They were kind, funny, even loving — when they wanted to be. They had big dreams and seemed to sweep you up in them. But things never, ever turned out the way they wanted them — nothing was ever good enough — and they would explode in confusing bouts of anger, blame, or self-loathing (which, of course, required you to soothe them).

Worse, if you brought any of this up and tried to address it, they couldn’t seem to see it, and only denied or rationalized what had happened. Your only option, it seemed, was to keep giving and giving until you were completely spent.

Sound familiar? If it does, you have probably had a narcissist in your life. Welcome to the club! (Unfortunately.)

And, sadly, for highly sensitive people (HSPs) it seems to be a pretty large club. Considering that less than one percent of people are pathological narcissists, you wouldn’t think HSPs are any more likely to run into them than anyone else. But what if sensitive people are particularly prone to a narcissist’s needy, controlling behavior?

Let’s explore what makes a narcissist a narcissist, why HSPs might be a natural target for them, and what you can do about it.

Narcissists Are a Highly Sensitive Person’s ‘Shadow Self’

Narcissists — people who live with narcissistic personality disorder — have an unconscious belief that they are superior to other people. With that comes a craving for attention, respect, and often wealth or fame, and an almost total lack of empathy for the needs of others. The result is an individual who will manipulate or use others in order to get what they want.

Being a highly sensitive person, on the other hand, is perfectly healthy, and has nothing to do with ego. Highly sensitive people have nervous systems that process all input very deeply, from sights and sounds to thoughts and emotions. They tend to be creative, thoughtful, and caring. They can also get overwhelmed easily, because all that processing leads to overstimulation.

So what do these two have in common? Well, almost nothing. And, in one key way, they’re almost perfect opposites: empathy.

You see, even though high sensitivity is primarily about how you process information, the reality is that most HSPs are extremely empathetic. In fact, the brain regions associated with empathy are much more active in HSPs than in non-HSPs, and HSPs in general tend to be giving, altruistic nurturers.

That makes the narcissist, who has almost no empathy, essentially the HSP’s “shadow self.”

Why Do Highly Sensitive People ‘Attract’ Narcissists?

Why would someone who is caring and empathetic want to be around someone who has no empathy at all? On the surface, they wouldn’t — but then, narcissists don’t exactly walk around holding a sign that says, “I Want to Use You.”

In fact, they do the opposite: Many narcissists learn to act charming, friendly, and flattering in order to mask their tendencies. (Importantly, this is mostly unconscious — like almost everything that makes someone a narcissist. Typically, they don’t know they’re doing it.) Many will even “love bomb” the people they want to get close to, building them up to feel good around the narcissist and, therefore, not run away. Like an addictive substance.

And anyone, HSP or not, can get hooked.

What makes HSPs different is that their own high level of empathy means they are drawn to helping and caring for others. And the narcissist has an endless need to be cared for: a need for attention, compliments, special favors, and — above all — constant reassurance. Plus, although they have very lofty dreams, nothing they do or achieve is ever good enough, so they’re frequently upset, disappointed, or even wildly angry. Isn’t there anyone who can treat them the way they deserve?

Yes, unfortunately; and all too often it’s an HSP, the person who keenly feels the pain of others and takes a true sense of satisfaction from helping. HSPs are often the first to try to console and comfort someone in need, and that puts them at risk of getting pulled into a narcissist’s trap.

This can quickly lead to a one-sided relationship where the narcissist gets all the benefits of an HSP’s patience, compassion, caring, and love — and often, countless hours of their time. The HSP, on the other hand, gets only more and more exhausted. They may face a barrage of freak-outs, pity parties, verbal abuse, and anger.

And, no matter how much they do, they will find out it’s not enough.

7 Ways to Protect Yourself from Narcissists

If you’ve found yourself pulled into this trap before — or if you’re recognizing a current relationship in this article — don’t blame yourself. The reason you got drawn in is because you’re a caring and giving person, not because you did anything wrong.

Blaming you and emotionally beating you down is the narcissist’s tool, and it’s one you have the power to give up by no longer accepting that blame.

You can, however, make changes in your own patterns to avoid narcissists in the future, or minimize the damage they can do. Here are seven tips to do just that.

1. Question volatile or troubling relationships.

One telltale feature of narcissists is that all of their relationships are troubled relationships. They will have a shaky time in friendships, romance, and any career or school situation where they need to work cooperatively with others.

Which means it’s a good idea to really examine any relationship in your life that seems volatile. You may not know if someone’s a narcissist, but you know if you have a fight with them every single week, or if you always feel stressed out after seeing them. Make it a habit to simply notice these relationships, label them for what they are, and ask yourself what you get out of them.

2. Ask your friends for perspective.

It can be hard to see through the charm of a narcissist who’s buttering you up, and surprisingly easy to make excuses for their outbursts or bad behavior. However, while you may have a hard time seeing it objectively, to your friends, it’s often plain as day.

There are caveats here, of course. Your friend might not have any meaningful insight if they haven’t seen you with the person firsthand, and of course, only friends whose judgment you trust will really be useful here. But, in general, getting an outside opinion (and listening to it, even if it’s hard to hear) can be a good way to check your own instincts about a person.

3. Expect the worst.

It may seem totally contrary to an HSP’s natural idealism, but one useful mental practice if you think someone’s a narcissist is to expect the worst.

It goes like this:

If this person is a narcissist, they don’t believe they’re doing anything wrong, and they’ll never change. So, what if their current behavior continues forever? Would I be okay with that? Would the relationship be worth it?

Seeing the worst-case future is often enough of a slap in the face to make it much, much easier to pull back from the relationship.

4. Pull away from narcissists as early on as possible.

Generally speaking, the right time to disconnect from a toxic person is as early on as possible. That’s especially true with a narcissist.

Why? At the start of a relationship, there’s little at stake, and it’s only a small part of your life. But narcissists demand all the attention you can give them. Within months or a year, they could be a main focus of your life — especially if they’re your partner.

It’s much, much easier to back away at the start than it is to disentangle later (although it’s never too late).

5. Practice setting clear, firm boundaries.

Narcissists hate boundaries, because the world is supposed to be about them, not anyone else — and boundaries force them to confront that it’s not. At the same time, firm boundaries allow you the space and emotional clarity you need to take care of your own needs.

The best way to set a boundary to say it clearly, directly, and as a fact, not a request. For example:

Not clear: “I’m really tired tonight. Is it okay if we do this a different time?”

Clear: “I’m not going to come over after 8 p.m. anymore, even if you’re stressed out. If you need to talk, we can set up a time on the weekend.”

Just be ready, because narcissists believe that every “no” can become a “yes” if they push hard enough. Don’t treat your boundary as something you’re willing to argue, and don’t make an exception. You can read more about setting boundaries here.

6. Get some emotional distance.

Narcissists can be infuriating, and they will bait you to argue with them, feel sorry for them, or try to help them. All of this just pulls you in further.

Simply learning about how narcissism works can help create distance (and make it easier to resist engaging). For example:

• Narcissists don’t actually realize what they’re doing, so there is no point in arguing with them — you will never win.
• They’re incapable of seeing their own flaws, so there is no way for you to help them or “fix” them. It’s something they have to come to on their own.
• Narcissistic personality disorder is an illness, and it’s likely been with them since adolescence. They aren’t going to change unless they get professional help.

7. Practice a different kind of compassion.

Something I find oddly comforting is that a narcissist’s behavior is motivated by — wait for it — extremely fragile self-esteem. Yep, all that self-aggrandizing is because they don’t love themselves.

And that makes them seem a lot less intimidating.

It’s also a way to feel compassion toward them without engaging. It must be tragically hard to go through life not loving oneself, and it means that nothing will ever truly bring them happiness. Understanding that can soften your heart, even as you pull back from them.

Disconnecting from a Narcissist May Be the Kindest Thing You Can Do

Ultimately, it’s rare for narcissists to admit they have a problem. But, when even the most caring people pull away from them, it can be a wake-up call. And, in rare cases, it may even be the push they need to finally seek help.

Back away from these people, HSPs. It might be the kindest thing you ever do — for you, and for the narcissist.

You might like:

• 7 ‘Rules’ for Highly Sensitive People to Protect Their Energy
• What Happens When an HSP Grows Up With Emotional Neglect?
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

The post Do Highly Sensitive People Attract Narcissists? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

You could be in a relationship with a highly sensitive person and not even know it — but you’ll definitely recognize some of the signs. Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are deeply thoughtful, often creative individuals who feel their emotions deeply. Roughly 30% of all people are highly sensitive, meaning they are wired at a brain level to process information deeply and respond more to their environment. That’s why they tend to be very attuned both to physical sensations (like textures and sounds) as well as the emotions and moods of others. You can think of HSPs as being more attuned to everything around them. They think deeply, feel strongly, and notice things that others miss.

(Read more about what it means to be a highly sensitive person.)

Loving an HSP can be breathtaking, but it’s also somewhat different from other types of relationships. So what does a highly sensitive person need in order to trust and love their partner? Here are 12 secrets that real HSPs wish their partner knew.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

What You Need to Know About Being in a Relationship With an HSP

1. Your HSP will notice (and feel) what you feel.

Sometimes people navigate life by telling white lies about their feelings. For example: “What’s wrong?” “Nothing, I’m fine.” These little fibs are meant to lubricate relationships by smoothing over the uncomfortable bits.

Highly sensitive people, however, can’t help but pick up on the subtle emotional cues that are often left unspoken — the tension in your voice, the slump in your shoulders, or your sudden avoidance of eye contact. HSPs don’t even do this consciously; they just process the signals and “absorb” what you’re feeling — and that means they feel it in their bodies, too. Your stress is their stress, and your suppressed anger can become their all-night worry session.

This can be hard, but it helps if you’re willing to talk openly about your emotions and, most of all, if you have (or teach yourself) good listening skills. When the HSP can talk about what they feel, and they know that it’s being heard and accepted, they’ll know they’ve got a keeper.

2. Give your HSP a little more time to adjust to changes.

Change can be hard for anyone, but HSPs process things more deeply than others do. That means that even positive changes, like starting a new relationship, can be really overwhelming. (If you’ve ever seen someone cry because of good news, they may have been highly sensitive.) As a result, HSPs take relationships slowly, especially at the beginning. Don’t be surprised if your HSP needs time to themselves or seems “lukewarm” at first. They’re doing what they’ve learned they need to do to protect their heart (and their stress level).

3. Choose your first movie carefully.

I think we all know that a slasher horror film isn’t a great first date movie unless you know the other person’s tastes well. But even with more mainstream movies, avoid anything likely to be super violent or gory (like most action films), because HSPs tend to “feel” the pain and emotions of those on the big screen. Some tasteful suspense is fine, but violence and cruelty often leave HSPs somewhere between upset and overwhelmed.

4. No more sneaking up!

It’s not cute to sneak up on an HSP and scare them — they have a high startle reflex. And no, they won’t laugh afterward. They’ll need minutes (or longer) to recover.

5. There will be times when you’re amazed.

All this talk about processing and stress — it has an upside. The same qualities that make it so hard to be an HSP translate to a rare gift that gets even stronger as life goes on. Dating an HSP means that every so often you’re just going to be blown away by the insights they come up with, or the beauty of something they create — seemingly out of nowhere. This is “the deal” with dating an HSP: Once they truly trust you, they share their brilliance as well as their vulnerability.

6. Sometimes they need time alone.

Some highly sensitive people are introverts. Some are extroverts. But all of them, even the most social and chatty, sometimes need to disappear on their own and be left alone. This is because stimulation of all kinds — social or otherwise — can quickly overwhelm an HSP’s senses, and they need time without stimulation to “come down.”

If you’re living together, your HSP may have a room that’s just theirs and ask you never to enter. If you live separately, they may seem to vanish for a few days (or an afternoon) to process. If you want your HSP to alert you when they have to do this, so you know what’s going on, you’ll have to be willing to respect them and not disrupt their alone time when they say they need it.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

7. They love being engaged on a deeper level.

Highly sensitive people process things deeply, so they’re usually thinking about the big things in life. That could be as personal as how a friendship is going to work out, or as cosmic as the future of humankind. Either way, HSPs want to move quickly beyond surface-level chitchat. Come with an open mind and willingness to talk big topics.

8. They know that most people don’t understand them.

Only about 15-20 percent of the population are HSPs. And much of the remaining 80+ percent has never even heard of high sensitivity. As a result, HSPs don’t just feel misunderstood — they are misunderstood. And they’re used to how most people handle it: by trying to pigeonhole them, stick a stereotype on them, or simply tell them there’s something wrong with them. If you take a different approach, like listening openly and trying to understand their experiences, you will stand out. And they’ll love you for it.

9. Never use these two labels.

HSPs are sick of being told that they’re “too sensitive” or even “shy.”

If you’re about to use these words, don’t. Give them time or let them tell you how they feel. Your highly sensitive person will appreciate you taking the time to understand.

10. Their environment affects them.

We all like some types of environments better than others. But an HSP’s system puts a lot more energy into processing the signals around them — be that noise, light, activity, or the presence of other people. That means that even a moderately “busy” space can quickly become all-consuming for an HSP’s system, and they may have to leave or face overwhelm and collapse.

For an HSP’s partner, that means three simple rules: Think about whether your HSP will enjoy a setting before you make a plan; give them plenty of advance warning if a venue is going to be loud, crowded, or busy; and be understanding and supportive if they say they have to leave — even if they were having fun just minutes ago.

11. Nothing takes a bigger toll than conflict.

Lots of people don’t like conflict. For an HSP, however, it’s more than that: Conflict is a major source of overwhelm. It’s a situation that demands fast, firm responses (sensory overload) while dumping emotional signals on them (emotional overload). Basically a one-two punch for high sensitivity. (This is related to why HSPs have a hard time dealing with criticism, which comes loaded with the potential for conflict.)

For better or for worse, many HSPs deal with this by going out of their way to keep their partner happy. This can become a problem, particularly when they don’t speak up for their own needs. If you’re dating an HSP, be aware of this tendency; help your partner feel safe to speak their mind, and look together for ways to manage conflict gently. Again, listening skills and creating safe space for honest, no-yelling discussion go a long way.

12. Nothing is sexier to an HSP than being accepted.

Let’s be real for a second. Most HSPs have had a long list of suitors who took zero minutes to understand them. These are people who saw the HSP’s creativity, their sensitivity, or their quirky personality and said, “I love that. That’s charming.” But these same people never took the time to say, “I also accept and love the side that has needs, the side that has to process, the side that feels things so deeply, the side that’s inconvenient when it gets overwhelmed.”

Those two sides are part of a single package. No HSP can have one without the other. And every HSP learns to avoid people who only want half of them.

If you can take the time to listen and accept your HSP — for their whole being — they will love you more deeply than you have ever been loved before. And if they can trust you when they’re overwhelmed, they will know they’ve found a soul mate.

You might like:

• 12 Reasons You Should Date a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships — And How to Stop
• 27 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re an HSP

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The post 12 Secrets About Being in a Relationship With a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

“Mom, my pajamas are uncomfortable, I can’t sleep.” This was the third time my nine-year-old had been back out of bed. “Mom, the television is toooooo loud, I can’t sleep,” was her earlier complaint. “Moooooom, tell her to be quiet,” she pleads with me about her 4-year-old sister who is throwing a tantrum.

She is wild. She is beautiful. She is sensitive. She is my daughter. And I’ve only just recently realized she’s exactly like me, a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Because I’m an HSP, you’d logically assume that I’m in tune with my family, their emotions, and their personalities. And many times I am. I often feel other people’s emotions, particularly those of the young and vulnerable.

But I’m ashamed to say, it took me quite a long time to realize that my daughter is also highly sensitive.

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How to Recognize a Highly Sensitive Child

Dr. Elaine Aron, author of the book, The Highly Sensitive Person, explains the HSP like this:

• You easily get overwhelmed by sensory stimuli like bright lights, loud noises, coarse fabrics, or strong smells.
• You have a rich and complex inner life.
• You’ve been referred to as sensitive or even shy.
• You arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.

These traits are the same in children and adults, although they’re often harder to spot in kids, because all children get overwhelmed at times. It’s the other traits — especially how much effort a child puts into avoiding stimuli or upsetting situations — that are key to spotting a sensitive child.

But here is the most important thing Aron writes about HSPs: High sensitivity occurs in about 20 percent of the population, making it a perfectly normal personality trait.

Let me repeat that.

Being a highly sensitive person is completely normal.

Not All HSP Children Are Shy or Quiet

Despite my emphatic belief that we HSPs are normal, I do like to refer to our sensitivities as quirks. This is because, as HSPs, we’re all unique. Sure, there are common characteristics, as with any personality. But we each have our own flavor. Our own HSP quirks.

Like any other HSP, my daughter and I don’t tick all the boxes on the HSP checklist. For example, I happen to like violent movies, even though it’s listed as being a no-go for most HSPs. But both my daughter and I are particularly sensitive to textures. The pajama problem isn’t just hers! We also both have an aversion to very loud noises, and we both get completely overwhelmed by change, particularly unexpected changes that we can’t prepare for.

It’s true that HSPs are often wrongly labeled as “shy” or “quiet.” But it doesn’t always look that way. My daughter is anything but shy and quiet. If you heard her playing, you might not think she’s an HSP at all.

Here’s the thing about HSPs and noise. It’s often the unpredictable noises that are the most difficult. It’s the loud siren, the screaming sibling, the neighbor’s dogs. If it’s her noise, it’s a different story!

Highly Sensitive Children Need Routine to Thrive

I’ll be honest. Before I realized that my daughter is an HSP, her quirks annoyed me. She often needs to have everything just right. It’s not that she’s a neat freak, but rather there are a set of rules that need to be adhered to for things to be okay for her.

Take, for example, our bedtime routine. It’s remained fairly consistent since she was young — and boy, am I in trouble if I try to change things up! We read together, we snuggle down at lights out, and I tickle her arms, hands and back (we call it “tickle,” but really it’s a very light massage). Then I cuddle in for a couple more moments, before she asks, every night, without fail, “What are we doing tomorrow?”

This routine, it’s got to be done correctly, and in the right order! And if for some reason it’s not, it would be safe to add at least 10 minutes to the routine. If a hand is missed, I have to go back. If I haven’t laid out the plans for tomorrow (often made up in the moment), she’s unsettled. If I don’t wait for her to be perfectly comfortable before the final goodnight hug…

You get the picture. And yes, some nights, it’s every bit as exhausting as it sounds. But actually, I love it. It’s our routine, and most nights I’m happy to let her get things just right.

Embracing Your Highly Sensitive Child

Now that I know she’s an HSP, I don’t get annoyed by these little quirks. I no longer get as frustrated with her particular ways. I’m not surprised at these sensitivities. I’m learning to understand her and the way she’s making sense of the world, through the lens of her sensitive soul.

As a parent, it’s my job to embrace whoever my child is — and whoever she becomes. I have to accept and embrace all of it. Even the bits that I don’t like, or that don’t fit it with how I would prefer things done.

Truth-telling time. On more than one occasion, I’ve told both my daughters, “Don’t be so sensitive.” Really? This, coming from a woman who claims to be an HSP herself!? (Thinking before I speak is not one of my strongest HSP characteristics.)

This is not something our HSP children need to hear. They do not need to be told to “harden up.” When we tell them this, we’re telling them it’s not okay to be themselves. We’re introducing shame and guilt.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

What Sensitive Children Need More Than Anything Else

Highly sensitive children need to be accepted as they are. They need our love. And they need to be told that it’s okay to be sensitive. They need to know, in fact, that sensitivity is a gift.

Tell them that some of the most talented people ever to walk the earth were HSPs. Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and Jim Carrey are some examples. They’ll need to draw on these stories when times are tough in their journey through life.

Tell them about your own journey as an HSP, if you are one. Let them know they aren’t alone, and that the way they feel is normal. Let them see you, the real you.

Tell them that it’s okay to need quiet, or to not like the way their pajamas feel against their skin. Help them find solutions for their sensitivities, but ensure they know that they aren’t a problem.

But most of all, tell them that they are extraordinary.

You might like:

• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• 7 Things Your Highly Sensitive Child Needs to Hear
• 12 Secrets About Dating a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Beat Themselves Up So Much?

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The post Your Highly Sensitive Child Is Normal. No Wait, She’s Extraordinary. appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

The first inklings that I was different became apparent to me as a small girl. Of course, a young child can’t put into words — nor even understand — their own inner workings. But those formative years hinted at what life would be like as a highly sensitive person: constantly misunderstood.

Extraordinarily sensitive, constantly assessing, quietly observing, and absorbing emotions that weren’t mine to carry. Those are pretty much the definition of what a highly sensitive person is.

Highly sensitive people are finally coming out into the open and sharing what makes them tick in a very public setting — the internet. Their courage inspires me, because frankly, it’s really scary to be transparent about the very things that others often use against you:

Stop being so sensitive.

Suck it up.

Why can’t you just let it go?

Ugh, you’re so emotional!

Who cares about that?

Quit whining.

You can see the conflict for a child who grows up feeling everything in a very deep way. A “more” child. A child who thinks there’s something “wrong” with her. Why isn’t she like everyone else? Why is she so emotional?

Turns out, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, and there was nothing wrong with me. I just didn’t know yet what it means to be highly sensitive.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Highly Sensitive People Are Misunderstood

Do you love a highly sensitive person? Let’s clarify a few things about HSPs so we can see them with fresh eyes.

Highly sensitive people are not the same as emotionally needy, whiny, complainers. They aren’t victims, and they’re not making up problems just to get attention. We all know people like that, but there are key differences:

• Victims are focused on themselves, while HSPs are often focused on others.
• Whiners want all the attention, but HSPs don’t.
• Complainers want to vent, but HSPs want to fix (although it might not seem that way at first, because we may be externally processing, but we are looking to find — and be — a solution).

Chances are you fall into one of two camps: Either you are a highly sensitive person, and you’re astounded to know that you aren’t the only one, you aren’t abnormal, and your “curse” is actually a gift.

Or, you love someone who is an HSP, and you’d like to better understand these complex, amazing humans. Let’s dive in!

What You Should Know About Highly Sensitive People

1. Our feelings really are that intense.

HSPs don’t get to choose how strong their emotions are. Trust me, if they could, they would. They’re often fighting an internal battle to discern if their feelings are accurate or flawed. Highly sensitive people feel things with wild depth, both the good and the bad.

2. We need plenty of downtime to function at our best.

Similar to introverts (although HSPs can be either introverted or extroverted), highly sensitive people get tapped out quicker than others. A weekend away with the girls? Woohoo, we might think — until 8 p.m. Then, we are d.o.n.e. Don’t take it personally if we need time alone to recharge our energy. Our brains fight to ever stop thinking, and our emotions are often on high alert (even in great times). Time to decompress allows us to be all-in with full enthusiasm for the next event. In other words, we need quiet to be able to cope tomorrow.

3. Feel free to be more vulnerable, because we see through you anyway.

I almost hesitate to share this one, but I feel it’s very important. HSPs see through deception, even if it isn’t meant to harm anyone. Sometimes we struggle to learn to temper this sensitivity; not making you feel too exposed, but letting you know that we know when you’re not okay. And if something is meant to scam us? HSPs probably aren’t your best target audience!

4. We’re fighting not to absorb your bad mood.

When people around us are grumpy, abusive, or just plain jerks, we’re like, “Wonder twin powers, activate — form a protective barrier!” If you treat us poorly with your mood, we’ll forgive you, but give us some time. You might shake off the tension quickly, but remember that it has jumped onto us, like an uninvited virus, and we need extra time to regain calm.

5. Sometimes we feel like we’re drowning in other people’s problems.

HSPs battle to let go of things they can’t fix, especially when it comes to other people’s problems. Logically, we know that it’s not our burden, but because we love so deeply, we struggle. If you have a deep burden, an addiction, or loss, we’re trying to love you through it without drowning under it.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. We absorb the emotional states of others.

Similar to the last point, what often isn’t talked about is how HSPs feel the people around us — even strangers. For example, to say that I’m highly attuned to others is an understatement. When I walk by people, sometimes I can just “feel” them. While I can’t explain this, I can tell you that it freaks me out. This is the life of an HSP. We feel not only our own stuff, but many, many other people’s stuff too. Even when it’s unwanted, we still receive it as input.

7. We don’t just feel and forget.

Feeling other people’s pain is a mixed blessing. While it can be devastating, it is that same perception that helps us to love others so well. And for that alone, most HSPs gladly accept the whole package.

8. Overwhelm is a big deal.

We might not enjoy large crowds, loud experiences (everything is “more” to us, even sound), or other events that feel stressful. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to enjoy them with you, but please, don’t mock us for needing to step back. We aren’t crazy/nuts/weird/too sensitive. We absorb the world around us in high-def, all the time, and it can make us very anxious if we don’t have a cushion of peace.

9. Highly sensitive people are amazing.

These unique characteristics are a gift if you’re willing to take a step back and observe. HSPs tend to be loyal to a fault, compassionate, generous, selfless, tenacious for the underdog, highly imaginative, and enthusiastic. We experience the world in full color, with vivid sound and glorious detail.

Sometimes highly sensitive people can be a little confusing, but if you’ll compromise and help us maintain our necessary boundaries, you’re in for a treat. You’re in for an adventure with a life enthusiast. And it will be a delightful ride.

You might like:

• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• 12 Secrets About Dating a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Beat Themselves Up So Much?
• 7 Secret Benefits of Being an HSP

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The post 9 Things You Should Know About Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Are you dating a highly sensitive person (HSP)? Or do you identify as an HSP? Dating can be awkward, uncomfortable and downright worrisome, no matter who you are. If you’re a highly sensitive person, it’s tricky enough to navigate an overstimulating world, but adding another person to the mix is a whole new level. 

If this feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. It’s complicated, but it can be easily done and also be extremely rewarding. There’s a lot you can try in order to make dating as comfortable and fun as possible. The more prepared you are, the better. Here are some things to keep in mind when dating a highly sensitive person.

10 Things to Keep in Mind When Dating an HSP 

1. They will notice if you’re not being genuine.

HSPs have great intuition and can get a read on your vibe through tiny details, such as your body language and facial expressions. They just know. Something between the two of you will probably feel off if you try to get away with a lie or hide something from them. So being authentic, and honest, is always the best policy.

2. Communication is key — they value deep connections and conversations.

Does your HSP partner have any specific triggers you’re aware of? Do you have some, too? Letting each other know about them helps increase understanding. The more you know and communicate, the more you can be there for one another in any situation. 

This can also help you avoid unnecessary stress. For example, a moderately crowded café is probably relaxing for a lot of people, but some HSPs may be overstimulated by all the voices and noise in the room. After all, they’re sensitive to their environments, so plan accordingly. 

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3. Know that external stimuli greatly affects them.

HSPs will hone in on even the slightest sounds, smells, movements, and tastes that others don’t notice. This can be really overwhelming at times, especially when trying to focus on another person. But if things get overstimulating, a little support — and a lot of patience — can work wonders. If you’re not sure about a certain place and how it will impact the HSP you’re dating, just ask!

4. Remember that they feel emotions intensely, their own as well as yours.

One major highlight of being an HSP is the feature of being highly perceptive of emotion. An HSP might be moved to tears by a sad song, a TV commercial, or something sweet you say to them. So keep this in mind when picking your next date — or date night movie. 

However, this doesn’t mean you have to avoid any potentially emotional situations. Just as with any sensitivity, it can be just as beautiful as it is frustrating. Handling these feelings in productive ways can help bring the two of you closer together. 

5. It’s usually best to plan dates ahead. 

If you took your date ice skating as a surprise, you’d probably let them know to bring a jacket, right? You can think about sensitivities the same way. A little communication and preparation will help the date run a lot smoother. 

For example, if you’re going someplace loud, bring headphones along. If there will be a long car ride involved, maybe a fidget spinner or object can help, as well as listening to their favorite podcast. Resources such as social media and good old Google can help you think of the evening of your dreams, too. And, then, plan accordingly!

6. Give them time to adjust to the location or event.

For highly sensitive people, nearly any (and every) change can feel disruptive and scary. Even the change of seasons affect some HSPs more so than non-HSPs. So you can imagine how jarring sudden changes can be. If your partner doesn’t seem relaxed in a new place, or even in a new relationship, they are likely still feeling things out. Just give them time… 

7. You will probably learn a lot of new things (if you listen closely).

Does your HSP partner tend to notice new and interesting things throughout the day? Do they remember things that others don’t because they are so detail-oriented? 

Highly sensitive people take in a lot of information on a nearly-constant basis. It can definitely be overwhelming (to them), but it can also be pretty useful. Talking to an HSP will likely keep you engaged. Plus, they value deep talk much more than small talk, so you can finally have those meaningful conversations you’ve been craving. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

8. Don’t ignore their discomfort; instead, imagine yourself in their shoes. 

If your HSP seems uncomfortable, or says they do, pay attention. Think about how you would want someone you’re with to react if you told them something was bothering you? It can be hard to know what to say or do when something comes up, especially when it’s sudden, but it’s more about how you say it than the actual words you utter. 

Ignoring their feelings certainly won’t help the situation, even if you’re just trying to distract them with a joke. Odds are, not many people will be able to take their attention away from their surroundings. So a simple suggestion like, “Should we step outside for a minute?” or a straightforward question like, “What would you like to do?” should help a lot.

9. Choose surprises carefully.

On a scale from one to 10, how difficult is it to plan a surprise date night for an HSP? Chances are, you won’t be able to keep it a surprise for long since highly sensitive people are so perceptive. They will probably intuitively feel that you are hiding something, which might prompt them to ask. 

On the other hand, surprising an HSP with a hug from behind can be so startling that it takes more than a few seconds for them to recover from it. Even the dreaded, “I have to tell you something” sets an HSP’s heart pounding. So it helps if the suspense element is kept to a minimum when dating an HSP. 

10. Stop using phrases like “too sensitive” and “too much.”

You want to date someone who makes you feel good, right? For an HSP, this might translate into looking for someone who accepts their sensitivities — without judgment. It’s already emotionally draining to deal with constant overstimulation, so it can be truly disheartening to feel like someone is simply tolerating you rather than choosing to be with you. (Plus, HSPs tend to have relationship anxiety as it is, and you don’t want to add to it!)

Simple sentences like “You’re being too sensitive” or “It’s too much” carry more weight than you may think. So it’s important to choose your words carefully and listen to your HSP partner — through their verbal and non-verbal cues — with an open, loving mind. After all, you want to make them happy, right?

Are you dating an HSP or are you an HSP yourself? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

You might like:

• 12 Reasons You Should Date a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Are More Prone to Relationship Anxiety
• 7 Little Things That Make Highly Sensitive People Happy

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 10 Secrets About Dating an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Chocolate milk splattered all over the kitchen, reaching nooks and crannies that defied physics. How did something so small create such a catastrophic mess? That question sums up having young kids most days. 

I could feel the self-control drain out of me as pure rage took its place. Somehow, I still had the wherewithal to think, “This mess should not be causing me to spin out like this. Why am I freaking out?”    

All parents have moments like this, right? I’m just convinced I am more susceptible to them, and therefore, find myself in them more frequently. 

Why? Because I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP). I notice more, process more, and, as a result, get overwhelmed more quickly and easily than less-sensitive people. Apply this equation to parenting, and the math isn’t good.

I sum up parenting while highly sensitive with one word: Intense. Parenting feels relentless — it never stops or slows or subsides. HSPs tend to throw all of themselves into parenting, leaving nothing behind for their own well-being.

What Makes Parenting While Highly Sensitive So Hard?

Learning about my sensitivity has helped me realize my parenting challenges aren’t due to weakness, but to having more to process while doing the same tasks others can float through. So I’ve conceded any hopes of being anything other than I am: a highly sensitive parent just trying to survive.

A lead researcher on high sensitivity, Dr. Elaine Aron — who coined the term “highly sensitive person” — uses the acronym DOES to outline the trait in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person. It’s easy to see how parenting magnifies each characteristic… with exhausting consequences.

• Depth of Processing. From pregnancy through cohabitating with your grown child, the decisions are endless and HSPs can’t help but analyze all available information and see the seemingly limitless possible outcomes of any given choice. Not only that, our busy brains need more downtime to recover from constantly processing in overdrive — and finding enough downtime as a parent is near impossible.
• Overstimulation. Parenting brings anyone to the outermost limits of their stimulation tolerance, and we HSPs start with a shorter range, due to how much we process and take in. This means that even the most basic parenting tasks can overwhelm us. 
• Emotional Reactivity and Empathy. Not only do we react stronger to our kids’ emotions, we also experience deeper empathy with every scraped knee, embarrassing moment, and challenging situation. 
• Sensitivity to subtle stimuli. Take your pick! The sight of clutter in the living room, the sounds of annoying toys, music, and video games, and the smells, all the smells! Even if the sensory input is objectively subtle, HSPs’ sensitivity to them makes them anything but.

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So What’s a Highly Sensitive Parent to Do?

HSPs move through the world differently — and parenting is no exception. In her book, The Highly Sensitive Parent, Dr. Aron says that admitting, accepting, and embracing the state of things as a highly sensitive parent is key to coping and, dare I say it, thriving, in parenting.

The good news is, Dr. Aron also found in her research that HSPs are often doing a much better job parenting than they perceive. While our sensitivity can cause us to feel more overwhelmed by parenting, and like we fall short of less-sensitive parents, it also equips us with highly-attuned parenting instincts.

Still, it’s always important to distinguish between simply finding parenting hard, and whether depression or anxiety are part of the equation. Parenting while highly sensitive is sure to exasperate life circumstances that can contribute to both.

So the million-dollar question is: How do you thrive as a highly sensitive parent?

And my answer is: Oh, good gracious, I have no idea.

I’m just striving for survival at this point. Surviving parenting as an HSP is equal parts accepting what is and doing our best to take care of ourselves (given the circumstances).

While I’ll never be an expert by any means, I have picked up a few tips that are helping me survive — and even enjoy parenting amidst the chaos, mess, and stress.

7 Survival Hacks for Highly Sensitive Parents

1. Let your sensitivity redefine what “thriving” in parenthood means.

Parenting must be seen through the lens of your sensitivity. Dr. Aron cautions that parenting is so all-consuming that HSPs may be able to prioritize little else, at least for a time. It can be frustrating when comparing ourselves to peers or colleagues who seem to be thriving professionally, socially, and being a super-parent all at once. 

We, as highly sensitive people, must redefine what “thriving” means for us. Perhaps it’s not mastering every aspect of life simultaneously, but experiencing a singular aspect of life immensely, such as soaking up every last drop parenting has to offer. 

2. Customize your unique parenting philosophy. 

Highly sensitive people tend to be information-seekers. It’s part of our deep processing to want all the facts before making our careful decisions, everything from what parenting style to practice or just what to pick up for dinner. 

As a chronic consumer of parenting advice, I realized quickly that no one style, trend, or philosophy spoke fully to my experience as a parent. I eventually gave up trying to master a single parenting philosophy and gave into the common HSP experience of forging my own path.

HSP parents can — and should — trust their intuition, because our sensitivity informs it. This same trait that has helped our species survive can be trusted to inform your decision-making as a parent.

It also helps to seek advice from HSP parenting experts and share your experiences with fellow HSP parents just trying to figure it out day by day. 

3. Make “treat yo self” your mantra.

Weekend getaways, a day of spa treatments, or even just a good night’s sleep might not be in the cards for most parents in their foreseeable futures. So why not indulge in treating yourself where you can, when you can? 

This hack is backed by research. The modern classic parenting book, Mother Nurture, puts it this way:

“…We recommend that you try to feel good as often as you can, at least several times a day. These experiences are more than enjoyable: they help protect your body against future stresses, improve problem-solving, and stop downward spirals. The occasional getaway for a weekend is great but regular, daily positive experiences will make much more difference for you over the long run.” (Hanson et al., p. 34)

While the phrase “Treat Yo Self” was coined by the luxury-loving Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford characters on the show Parks and Recreation, it need not be a call to lavish extravagances. It’s more about inherent worth — valuing your wants and needs just because you exist. This can be a real challenge for HSPs, especially those engaged in caretaking roles.

It took me way too long to realize how unsustainable it was to live in a constant state of depletion while another being was entirely dependent on my care. Now, I take my wants and needs seriously. 

So what’s a teeny, tiny way you can treat yourself today?

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Let the sweet moments linger as long as you can.

You are at your wit’s end being up with the baby all night… again. Your kid is refusing to eat the dinner you prepared… again. Your teenager promises they’ll never speak to you… again… and again. These moments can be excruciating and can consume our waking thoughts.

In Mother Nurture, Dr. Rick Hanson explains that we are biologically wired to dwell on the negative, so we have to practice spending as much time dwelling on the sweet moments. 

When your baby finally falls back asleep in your arms, drink in their peaceful rest and the feel of their relaxed body against yours. When your kid scarfs down their dinner without batting an eye, bask in the glory of a clean plate and a full belly. When your teen spills every single detail of their night, savor their funny and insightful commentary on their friendships. 

Put your deep processing to work for you in noticing every little good thing about these moments. Let the sweetness linger in your mind. 

5. Try an “Ask for Help” challenge.

In The Highly Sensitive Parent, Dr. Aron says, “If you need help, you just need it. That doesn’t make you a less capable or worse parent.” 

That simple acknowledgment was revelatory for me.

I didn’t want to admit that I desperately needed help. HSPs tend to be people-pleasers, and therefore tend to seek help only as a last resort. Our perfectionism chimes in with its ever-so-unhelpful insistence that no one else can do it like you, so getting help is pointless anyway.

But of course, it’s not a great plan to only seek help once you are at the very, very, very end of your rope. Instead, why not practice asking for help in low-pressure situations, so it can become more natural for you?

Make asking for help your go-to move for a while until it becomes second nature. 

Is there one thing you could get help with this week? Next week, could you get help with two things? 

6. Always ask yourself, “Is this worth my energy?” 

As HSPs, we have to be extremely protective of our energy — the DOES characteristics of the trait require a lot of it. We simply cannot afford to spend our energy on just anything. Parenting only makes this more pronounced. 

Since we can’t control how our sensitivity uses our energy, conservation and recovery are the name of the game. Recovery time is usually in short supply for parents, so energy conservation becomes paramount. 

The reality is, you don’t have the same time for all the things as other parents because you require time to recover from overwhelm in ways less-sensitive parents don’t. So everything, from work opportunities to kids’ activities to household chores, needs to be evaluated for its energy-input-to-outcome ratio. If the math doesn’t come out in your favor, it’s not worth your energy.

Of course, we can’t disavow everything that drains us with minimal benefit, but as sensitive folks, we must do what we can, when we can, to spend our precious energy on what matters most.

7. Always be kind to your sensitive self.

The best way I’ve found to be a better parent is by being kinder to myself. As Dr. Aron succinctly says in The Highly Sensitive Parent, “Self-criticism is exhausting.” 

As HSPs, it’s simply not worth our energy to berate ourselves or to have unreasonable expectations. Instead, treating our sensitivity with gentleness helps it be a source, rather than a drain, in our lives.

Plus, being kind to yourself helps you be kinder to your kids while also preserving your energy. There is truly no downside! 

Tune in to your intuition for ways you can survive another chaotic day of parenting while highly sensitive. If we can care for our sensitivity just a little more day-by-day, maybe we’ll figure out how to thrive a little, too. 

You might like:

• 5 Things I Teach My Kids as a Highly Sensitive Parent
• HSP Brains Process Everything Deeply, Even at Rest, Study Finds
• What to Do When Your Highly Sensitive Soul Is in Overdrive

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post A Survival Guide for Highly Sensitive Parents appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I arrive with a crying 4-year-old attached to my leg — stressed, exhausted, and feeling like I’m the worst parent in the world. Everyone else’s children are already at preschool. Not crying. Not clinging to a leg.

“She doesn’t want to come,” I say to a teacher, desperately hoping she has a magic pill that makes my child turn into one of the other happily playing, well-adjusted children around me.

“Yes. We could hear her screaming in the parking lot.” She gives me a look. I feel like she’s just handed me my parenting grade, and it’s an F.

Hmm. Can I crawl into a hole now?

Your Crying, Clingy Highly Sensitive Child Is Normal

I know now (I wish someone had told me then!) that I’m not the only parent who has experienced this. Separation anxiety is incredibly normal and healthy in children, even up to the age of 7. Our children are attached to us. They rely on us. So for them to get upset when we leave is very normal.

But at the time, it felt terrible. It felt like I was causing my child very real emotional harm.

But, in fact, if we deal with it well, it can do the opposite.

Instead of causing them harm, separation anxiety can help kids. It can develop resilience, self-esteem, and coping skills. Times of separation give them a chance to practice dealing with stress and anxiety. It teaches them, “I can cope with this!”

That screaming, crying, highly sensitive child attached to our ankles is learning that they are a person who can handle what life throws at them. That you trust them to cope.

Why Many Highly Sensitive Children Have Separation Anxiety

Both of my youngest children hated leaving my side (my 8-year-old still has a little bit of trouble). The screaming lessened to complaining as they got older, but they definitely struggled a lot with separation anxiety. Once, my Lula hid under a desk crying at preschool for over 30 minutes after I left.

I almost gave up on preschool a number of times. My kids weren’t even going that often. Three half-days a week maximum! I persevered because I needed the time out, I wanted them to have social interaction and make friends, and because they always loved it afterwards. When I picked them up, they never wanted to leave!

So why all the fuss at the start?

My kids are older now, and I’ve learned a few things about them. One of those is that both of my youngest daughters are in the 15-20 percent of the population who are considered highly sensitive.

High sensitivity is not a negative thing. It’s a normal personality trait.

Highly sensitive people feel their emotions very strongly. They have a bit more difficulty dealing with change and loud, busy environments. And they are very affected by things others might not be bothered by. Movies or TV shows can be difficult for them. Even the slightest scary or violent scene — even in G-rated movies — can start my girls screaming, “Turn it off!”

Highly sensitive children are in tune with others’ feelings and can be very observant. They’ll be the ones that notice when you’re sad and give you a hug. They get really upset by kids being mean to each other. My daughter, Little, talked for months about some boys at preschool that called another child names. She was highly offended.

Highly sensitive children are the ones that grow up to defend the weak and point out the injustices in the world. They are the ones that notice beauty in things and think deeply.

They are pretty amazing people.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4 Steps to Help Your Sensitive Child at Drop-Off

So what can we do to help our sensitive kids settle in better?

1. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t let them control your behavior. “You’re sad because you want me to stay. I’ll be back in two hours. I can’t wait to hear what you did today.” You are the adult. You control what happens, not them. Kids will try to keep you there and control you by crying, screaming, begging, and clinging. However, they actually feel safer when we are in control.
2. Make it normal. “I know you have a hard time with goodbyes. I love that you’re such a cuddly boy. I can’t wait to see you again when I pick you up.” (Smile and give your child a quick hug.)
3. Leave quickly and confidently. Ignore their pleas to keep you there and trust that they will be okay.
4. Don’t sneak away. Always say, “Bye, see you soon!” Sneaking away can make kids more clingy next time.

4 Stages Your Child Will Move Through

So that you can be confident that they are okay, there are four stages of separation anxiety for you to be aware of. If your child is happy when you pick them up, then you know they have moved through these stages.

• Protest stage — screaming, crying, and complaining to try to keep you there.
• Despair — usually after you leave. They might drop to the floor, hide, or cry.
• Adjustment — they calm down.
• Emotional detachment — they get engaged in a game, toy, or talking with someone.

When I picked up my girls, they were happy to see me. They’d race around telling and showing me what they’d been up to. They were fine — no emotional damage done.

By trusting our children to move through these stages, we allow them to learn to cope with stress well and to head towards becoming the resilient, confident adults we want them to eventually be.

And we get an “A” in parenting! Well done, us!

So the next time they make a fuss, cling, and cry, have a quiet smile to yourself. Here’s a chance for your wonderful, highly sensitive child to learn and grow. Acknowledge their feelings, say goodbye, and then get out of there fast!

You might like:

• 6 Critical Self-Care Tips for Highly Sensitive New Moms
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Absorb Other People’s Emotions?

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The post 4 Steps to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Separation Anxiety appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Growing up, I loved fairy tales. There was just something special about hearing “and they lived happily ever after” that always put a huge smile on my face. When I got married, there was a little girl in me still wishing for that “happily ever after.” I mean, being happily married is the ultimate goal in marriage… right?

During my 15-year marriage, my goal has shifted from solely happiness in marriage to actual healthiness in marriage. Such a large emphasis is placed on the various social benefits of marriage — comradery, companionship, and coupling, for example — that sometimes the health benefits of marriage are overlooked. In fact, according to WebMD, marriage is not only good for your emotional health, but for your physical health, as well. Although I wish I could just wriggle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and magically source my marriage into health and happiness, that is just not possible.

Fifteen years of mountaintops, valleys, and plateaus have all taught me that maintaining a balanced homeostasis within marriage is a goal my husband and I must continuously work toward. There have been times where our marriage has felt much more like a battlefield than an oasis, and it is in these times that my highly sensitive mind and heart have earned their “battle-tested” accolades. It’s been in these times that our marriage has tested the bounds of both happiness and health.

Before we can understand how to improve a marriage — or any type of romantic partnership — as a highly sensitive person (HSP), it’s important to understand what being highly sensitive even means in the first place.

What Is Sensitivity?

If you’re “sensitive,” it’s not what most people think it is. Instead of being seen as a weakness — which is a falsehood — being sensitive is a healthy personality trait, a core part of our being. We can’t change it even if we tried. This means that everyone is sensitive to some level, yet some people are more sensitive than others. In fact, highly sensitive people make up nearly 30 percent of the population, which means almost 1 in 3 people are more sensitive. By this, we mean both physically (to stimuli such as lights, textures, sounds, and temperature) and emotionally (to the words, feelings, facial expressions, and social cues of those around them). 

The sensitivity trait is associated with many strengths and superpowers: we all know a sensitive artist (highly sensitive types tend to be creative) and those who are empathic more than most (they feel your pain as much as you do). Plus, sensitive souls tend to be deep thinkers, have a lot of emotional depth, pay much attention to detail, and an intuitive gift for making connections and witnessing moments that other people miss. Collectively, all these qualities make up a different definition of “sensitive” than you may be used to. Sensitives are anything but weak; they’re strong, gifted, and thoughtful.

Within a marriage, highly sensitive people bring a lot of positive qualities to the relationship. But how, exactly, does sensitivity apply in a marriage? Read on to find out.

Understanding My Sensitivity and How It Can Benefit My Marriage

As a highly sensitive person, I’ve always taken my marriage very seriously and have actively sought to improve the quality of it. I’ve spent hours researching resources available to HSPs to aid in understanding how to improve the quality of our marriages and to be better spouses. I’ve literally studied how to be married.

Due in large part to our love of deep connections, our empathetic nature, and our pervasive conscientiousness, HSPs inherently demonstrate key characteristics vital to maintaining successful relationships, especially long-term ones, such as marriage. Sometimes, however, these same attributes can overwhelm a person who doesn’t identify as highly sensitive (like my husband). This is why it is important for both parties to take proper care to understand and accept their partner and their needs. A collective effort is necessary to provide a fertile environment in order for marriages to flourish.

Yes, sensitive types have a tendency to place the needs and comfort of others before our own. Though I have come to embrace this sensitivity personality trait as a superpower, like most superpowers, there is a catch: putting others before myself can act as my kryptonite, becoming a source of angst and/or resentment. 

Being highly sensitive, I am constantly prioritizing my spouse’s needs at the expense of neglecting my own. This sometimes causes me to miss some of the classic signals of HSP burnout. There are times when I have begun to feel overlooked, neglected, and taken for granted, pouring out of my highly sensitive love bucket without feeling as though I was receiving a reciprocal effort. Without addressing these feelings, my husband and I have found ourselves in a vicious cycle that in no way benefits our marriage. 

In order to aid in building strong and long-standing marriages — and to help us to avoid experiencing burnout — HSPs must enlist the use of various tools and strategies (especially if you are in a relationship with a non-HSP). We must actively identify areas that need individual attention, and also those areas that we must enlist the help of our partners to improve. 

I’ve discovered four key strategies that have served as “relationship fertilizer,” adding tremendously to the continued growth and strength of my marriage. Whether you are a highly sensitive person, or you are married to one, perhaps you will find these tips beneficial as you seek to improve your marriage. It is my fervent hope that you will be able to implement some — or all — of them as you seek to strengthen, grow, and fortify your marriage relationship, as well. 

4 Ways to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

1. You must have honest and open communication 

Honesty provides a solid and reliable foundation for successful relationships. Highly sensitive types need to be in relationships in which honesty is the rule, not the exception. HSPs crave honest and heartfelt conversations. To that end, it is vital that we are safe to communicate things that we like and dislike, as well as those things that trigger certain emotions and responses in our partners. 

I recognize that being married to a highly sensitive person can, at times, be delicate for a non-sensitive person. Unaware of what to say, how to say it, or even when to broach certain conversations can add to tension and strife within marriages. The dynamic between the HSP, who wants nothing more than to connect with their partner by expressing their deepest selves, and the non-HSP partner, who is unaware of exactly how to broach certain conversations, can be somewhat tricky. However, navigating this dynamic is not impossible.

We sensitive people need to be heard, but, more importantly, understood. Here are a few strategies that can be employed to further fruitful dialogue between HSP and their spouses:

• Respect that both parties have different opinions, and that the goal is not necessarily agreement, but understanding 
• Read the body language of one another so you can gauge the temperature of the exchange and determine how to best proceed
• Avoid invalidating one another’s emotions
• Schedule time to talk about hard conversations; sometimes we must respect the idea that “now is not a good time”

These four strategies can help create an environment that will benefit both of you, and may offer the opportunity to delve into more difficult, but necessary, conversations. Remember: Marriage is a team endeavor — you are both working toward the same goals with one another, and not against one another.

2. Be willing to enlist the help of a professional

There may be times that the previously discussed strategies will not work. Perhaps the more sensitive partner is still unable or uncomfortable tackling the tough issues with their spouses. Or maybe they have difficulty pinpointing the exact issues that need to be addressed (an already frustrating event in our highly sensitive minds, as we have likely spent endless hours overthinking the situation). In moments like this, it is sometimes beneficial to enlist the help of a professional: a therapist or trained marriage counselor. They can:

• Act as an unbiased third party, giving honest feedback to both spouses
• Identify relationship roadblocks before they become too daunting to effectively maneuver
• Help find ways to increase the intimate connection between you and your partner
• Offer a safe space for spouses to further educate themselves about one another in a judgment-free zone

I sometimes make the unfair assumption that my husband automatically understands how my highly sensitive mind and heart work, since we have been married for so long. I’ve been guilty of placing unfair expectations on him, tasking him with reading my mind and understanding the meanings behind my words, rather than the words themselves. 

When we have found ourselves unable to communicate our truest feelings to one another, we have turned to the professional guidance of our marriage counselor. Something that we have found to be key in counseling has been the education we have both gained surrounding highly sensitive people in marriage. Even identifying as an HSP, there are still those critical moments when I cannot fully conceptualize or explain the “me” of things. Counseling not only offers me the opportunity to dig deeper into this understanding, but to do so with my husband by my side gaining understanding, as well. 

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3. Be willing to continue to educate yourself

Marriage counseling provides an invaluable educational opportunity for couples. Even still, in order to continue to improve our marriages, sensitive people must be willing to enroll in “Maintaining Marriage 101: a life-long continuing education course in marriage.” (Yes, I made that up). Spouses who love their highly sensitive partners invest time and effort into understanding our needs. HSPs think deeply, feel intuitively, and are highly observant, and we are willing to do the work to help to insure the longevity of our marriages and to meet our partners where they are, as well. Learning about one another is vital. The more we know together, the more we are able to grow together.

As a sensitive person, I am always seeking to connect deeper with my husband. Some things that have proven valuable in intensifying our connection have been:  

• Carving out date nights for just the two of us to disconnect from everything except one another 
• Celebrating and respecting one another’s individuality by embracing the differences each of our personalities brings to the marriage
• Identifying mutual interests that we can enjoy as a married couple
• Honoring one another’s space and autonomy by allowing for times to recharge so that time spent together can be fully enjoyed

Regularly incorporating these practices into our marriage has allowed me to view it as a safe and welcome space. An added bonus has been that this space contributes to my highly sensitive superpower of enjoying deep connections within my most intimate relationship. 

4. Establish both individual boundaries and marital boundaries

Boundaries are fundamental in allowing both parties in a marriage to thrive both as individuals and as a part of the marital team. HSPs sometimes find boundary-setting difficult, due to the importance we place on other people’s feelings and needs. 

As a sensitive soul, I often have to remind myself that boundaries are not negative. Let me say that again: boundaries are not negative. In fact, boundaries are necessary and take a lot of the guess-work out of relational expectations. Healthy boundaries aren’t set to benefit one person at the expense of another; rather, they consider each party’s rights and dignities. 

Once I had a better understanding of how boundaries could benefit my marriage, I became more aware of those areas around which I needed to set boundaries for myself, and those I felt were important to protect my marriage. Keep in mind: boundaries are not a one-size-fits-all idea. There are, however, some general considerations you can make when establishing personal and marital boundaries. For instance:

• Make sure each boundary’s purpose is to better the relationship
• Acknowledge that the boundaries aren’t being put in place to be rigid and harsh, but rather to protect and provide structure
• Respect both parties’ individual rights and needs — neither more than the other
• Embrace the differences in one another’s feelings, and aim to never, ever invalidate what is important to one another

I once read that, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” Writer Robert A. Heinlein is behind that quote and, as an HSP, this rings especially true. My goal within my marriage is to contribute to an environment that helps to plant seeds of happiness, love, and deep connection. By intentionally practicing behaviors aimed to improve our relationship, my goal is to harvest a marital garden that reaps good fruit, while tilling the soil and pulling out the bad weeds. It’s in this “garden of love” that I am sure “happily ever after” continues to grow, season after season. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 7 Keys to a Happy, Thriving Marriage with a Highly Sensitive Person
• The Challenges of Being an HSP in a Relationship With a Non-HSP
• My High Sensitivity Saved My Marriage. But First, It Almost Ruined It.

The post How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

You love your child with every ounce of your being. You put your child first, because that’s how our society says parents should be. But you’re starting to feel like your true self is slipping away.

What about your dreams, passions, goals? You’re craving some time for yourself, to relax, to hear yourself think, to have some peace and quiet. Then the guilt washes over you, mixing with resentment, and you feel like a crappy parent. You cry, you yell, and the cycle repeats itself.

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re a highly sensitive parent.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you have a unique trait, not a disorder. Scientifically called Sensory Processing Sensitivity, it means you process things deeply, are easily overstimulated, are very empathetic, and you can sense subtleties with amazing precision. These are great characteristics, but it’s daunting when your toddler or teenager is being difficult. Just another day in the life of a highly sensitive parent.

For HSPs, Alone Time Is Crucial

The truth is that carving out time for yourself is like oxygen to you. It’s not a luxury. Your psyche needs the time and space to figure out the daily jigsaw puzzle of your thoughts and emotions.

Most of your friends and family may not be like you. After all, HSPs make up only 15 to 20 percent of the population. Sure, every parent would benefit from having breaks. But you just might morph into the Incredible Hulk if you don’t nurture your soul.

Sometimes you will have to advocate for your alone time. Your spouse might not really get it.

You have to inform the people in your life about this HSP trait. If you can’t accept this as part of your body chemistry, how will they?

Acceptance may arrive in waves. Sometimes it’s easy and full of grace, other times you may wish you were like everyone else. Remember all the positive things about being highly sensitive. You are empathetic, conscientious, intuitive, perceptive, detail-oriented, polite, spiritual, and appreciate the arts.

And you are a damn good parent.

4 Ways to Combat Guilt

You may logically understand that alone time is crucial, however, something is holding you back. Guilt is your enemy. It’s reminding you of all the chores you have to do. All the busywork of being a parent. Laundry, cleaning, scheduling dentist appointments… the list goes on and on. If you relax now, you’ll still have to do it all later. Not to mention that relaxing is tough when all of this is on your mind. And your child is growing up before your eyes; you honestly don’t want to miss any milestones or important moments.

It’s understandable that many HSP parents put themselves last. And it’s no wonder that burnout becomes a problem.

HSP parents need to fight back against the guilt. Self-care is not a luxury or indulgence. It’s a necessity for being a better parent. Think of it as “recharge my parent batteries” time. You recharge your electronics every day. You need to recharge yourself, too. You will break down if you don’t. The resentment and anger of running on empty can easily morph into depression and anxiety. Your child deserves a healthy parent who takes care of his or her own needs.

Here are four practical steps to combat guilt:

1. Write about your guilt. Explore its origins. Just the act of writing can be freeing. Get your thoughts and feelings out of your head and into paper. Some people feel catharsis by shredding or ripping up the papers afterwards.
2. Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist about it. We think we’re alone and different, when in reality everyone has secrets. Nobody is perfect, and nobody has to be. Being open and vulnerable with someone you trust will lead to connection. Connection kills guilt.
3. Process and release your emotions through physical movement and exercise. Emotions can get stuck in our bodies, and it’s amazing how moving really helps. Go for a walk and clear the cobwebs from your mind. Research shows that exercise improves your mood. Let go of your guilt, step by step.
4. Practice self-compassion. HSPs have so much compassion for others but often struggle with turning their light inward. Sometimes imagining yourself as a child helps. If you believe in a higher power, that can help internalize compassion, too.

7 Ways to Recharge With Young Children at Home

Here are seven ways to recharge your parent batteries (even with young children at home):

1. If your child naps, use this time for self-care and solitude, not chores. Rest is so important when you’re taking care of demanding (yet lovable) babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. You’re probably stuck at home a lot. Listen to a guided meditation app on your phone. Sleep if you can.
2. With older children who don’t nap anymore, make “relaxation time” mandatory. Let your child know that he must stay in his room for at least an hour, looking at books or quietly playing.
3. Keep external stimuli to a minimum. Sure, mindless TV or social media is easy. There’s nothing wrong with that in small doses, but too much may make you numb to yourself. It’s fast food, when our souls crave something more substantial.
4. Meditate, exercise, read, journal, listen to music. Whatever feels right for you that day. Experiment and figure out which modalities are most soothing and meaningful.
5. If possible, take a class in something that interests you. Remember your hobbies and interests before you had kids? You’re still that person.
6. Ask for help. Be open to family members or friends babysitting, if possible. Or pay someone. Maybe it’s just once a month, but it will be worth it.
7. If insomnia is an issue, have a bedtime routine. Drink herbal tea, journal and/or meditate. Allow your nervous system time to slow down.

Picture your child. Now imagine her as a grown-up. You’d want her to do whatever it takes to be happy, right? Of course. She deserves solitude, too, especially if she’s an HSP. Treat yourself with the same love and respect that you show your kids. You — and your kids — will be grateful.

You might like:

• 7 Things Your Highly Sensitive Child Needs to Hear
• 14 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• 27 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re an HSP
• 7 Secret Benefits of Being a Highly Sensitive Person

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The post How HSP Parents Can Get Alone Time appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

The seven-year-old version of me once attended an event for homeschool families in my area. Over the course of the evening, I was persuaded to join a game of dodgeball, which I had never played before. Sounds fun, right? 

Well, after quickly being eliminated, the sting of the overinflated playground ball on my hand (and my newly-deflated ego) made me not so sure. I’m now 28 and haven’t played dodgeball since. Now, I don’t mean to imply that I was particularly traumatized by my brief “career” in dodgeball, but it was decidedly Not Fun. Having since identified myself as a highly sensitive person (HSP), I can see why I felt that way.

A few years later, I would reluctantly participate in group dances at Vacation Bible School — I mean, who wants to look like an old stick-in-the-mud at the tender age of 10? — while inwardly cringing at how silly I must look (even if all the other kids were dancing the same way). I’ve seen this phenomenon most recently with my own daughter at our Mommy and Me dance class. While she does enjoy the class and music, she doesn’t typically flock to the center of the room or display as much animation as some of the other kids. I also notice that the teacher’s well-intentioned attempts to get my child more engaged often backfire. 

It’s still too early to tell whether my child is an introvert, sensitive person, or any other such distinction, but the tendency to use high-energy enthusiasm to encourage children to participate in things starts young. But, before I continue, let’s talk about what it means to be a highly sensitive child.

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The Science Behind Highly Sensitive Children

While everyone is sensitive to a degree, some people are more sensitive than others. In fact, according to the latest research, nearly 30 percent of people are born more sensitive than average, both physically and emotionally. Researchers refer to this trait as environmental sensitivity or Sensory Processing Sensitivity. And don’t worry — all three levels of environmental sensitivity are considered healthy and normal.

In essence, as a personality trait, scientists define high sensitivity as taking in more information from your environment, processing it more deeply, and doing more with it, according to Jenn Granneman and Andre Sólo, coauthors of Sensitive. Sólo says that the sensitive brain is actually wired to process all information more deeply — effectively spending more time and mental resources on doing so.

So, children and adults who fall near the high end of the sensitivity continuum are called highly sensitive people, or HSPs. They will often be deeply attuned to their physical environment and to the emotions of others. They will pick up on subtle details, or make connections between ideas, that other people miss. They may be affected by textures, noises, and other things in the environment that others seem to shrug off. Often, sensitive children are highly creative and empathetic, and many are deep thinkers. Some researchers also believe high sensitivity is linked to giftedness.  

If your child is a highly sensitive person, they were likely born that way and will develop it further in childhood. They will remain sensitive for life — although as they develop, they can learn how to better regulate overstimulation, manage their strong emotions, and use their powerful sensitive mind to their advantage.

The best way to teach them that is to accept and validate their sensitivity, and help understand why they experience things — like dance class — so differently.

We Need to Better Understand Sensitive Children

I suspect that many highly sensitive people can relate to these childhood experiences. In churches, after-school programs, and summer camps across the nation, leaders design “fun” activities that all kids supposedly like. But… they fail to consider the sensitive ones who are fading into the background and wishing they were somewhere, anywhere, else. A lack of perceived enthusiasm in these children is seen as sullenness or sadness, and the solution is to redouble our efforts to get them excited about what’s happening. Instead, we should make an effort to understand them and their needs — like giving them alone time and not forcing them to participate.

The disconnect can leave highly sensitive kids like me feeling inadvertently gaslit, wondering, I’m supposed to be having fun. Is there something wrong with me? The consequences of this dynamic are not all fun and games, either. Pressuring kids to do things they don’t feel comfortable doing could be a recipe for embarrassment, resentment, and even poor boundary-setting skills later in life. 

I certainly don’t believe that the people who write curriculum and lead classes and events have anything against HSPs, but there seems to be a dearth of understanding of how they operate. This lack of awareness is compounded by the fact that children are lumped into a single category based on their age, even though every child truly is different. I feel that we, as a society, would do well to focus a bit more energy on connecting with sensitive kids — who will someday be sensitive adults — so that we don’t inadvertently drive anyone away.

So how can we minister to the needs of highly sensitive kids without losing the interest of the rest of the group? After all, it’s impossible to include and please everyone all of the time. However, there are several things adults can do to ensure that kids of all sorts at least get something valuable out of each class, event, or program. Here are some ideas.

6 Things Sensitive Kids Need to Thrive

1. Dial back the decibels, as they are sensitive to noise.

Something as simple as literally turning down the volume of music can make a significant difference to highly sensitive kids. Try setting the volume just loud enough that everyone can hear comfortably, in order to avoid overwhelming the sensitive types unnecessarily. Noise sensitivity is very real, especially for sensitive people.

2. Don’t insist on full participation; instead, base it on kids’ individual interests and learning styles.

In settings such as church activities or family events, chances are, kids do not have any grades riding on whether they play enough rounds of musical chairs or do all the hand motions to all the songs. There’s no true need to participate in these things — after all, they’re supposed to be fun! 

While it’s okay to invite a shy-looking child to join in if they want, don’t press the issue. The child may feel comfortable enough to participate more after a few weeks or class sessions, or they may prefer not to. Highly sensitive people have their own unique learning style, even when it comes to fun, and I think teachers and group leaders should pay more attention to this.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Curb the competition — a sensitive child should not be judged by “winning” or “losing.”

It especially pays to be mindful of competitive games. Sensitive kids tend to not like being in the spotlight, and this includes highly competitive activities. The pressure of winning and losing can very quickly outweigh any love of the game. So be aware of group games or contests that pit students against each other individually as others look on. Chances are, it’s doing more harm than good for a sensitive child’s confidence and self-esteem. 

4. Balance loud, high-energy activities with opportunities for quiet creativity.

There’s nothing innately “wrong” with dodgeball or dancing, but if “fun” is focused solely around these “louder” kinds of activities, some kids are sure to be left out. Consider interspersing them with other activities, like crafts that can be worked on individually (of course, the more active, less-sensitive kids shouldn’t be forced to participate in those, either!). 

If the environment is unstructured, like an after-school care program, provide equipment for a variety of independent activities (like paper and drawing pencils), as well as lively group games (like soccer ball and such).

5. Offer a listening ear — and truly listen to the feedback.

What kids really need is not the fanciest, flashiest programs, but rather, that adults simply be present and willing to listen. Observe how the kids in the group respond to certain activities, then tailor your plans accordingly. 

If you’re brave, you can even ask kids directly what their favorite — and least favorite — parts of the event were. Being in tune with the group members, and their preferences, goes a long way toward helping everyone have a good time, and thus, be more likely to come back next time. (Admittedly, this strategy works better the smaller the group is.) 

6. Allow for sensitive kids to play different roles.

In many group settings, there are several distinct roles — some people would rather be the frontman of the band while others would rather be the bass player. To prevent highly sensitive children from feeling separate from the rest of the group, look for multiple ways for kids to participate in the same activities for optimal inclusivity. Just like we each play different roles in our families, so, too, do we play different roles outside of our homes.

You may find that you have, for example, a Sunday school class of mostly extroverts who enjoy acting out stories… plus one highly sensitive person who enjoys writing. Perhaps that child would like to write the script for the others to act out. 

Another idea is to let kids take turns completing each step in a science experiment or recipe. Being able to carry out different functions toward a common goal is also helpful for learning teamwork skills, which will serve your young charges well later in life.

Kids are by no means a homogeneous category, and neither are their senses of “fun.” If leaders implement these strategies when designing “fun,” I believe they will find that each highly sensitive child has a greater chance of feeling seen, secure, and free to pursue their imagination, no matter what that looks like.

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• Sensitive People Learn Differently. Here’s What They Need to Succeed
• These Are the Roles HSPs End Up Playing in Their Families — And How to Change Them

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Sensitive Kids Play Differently Than Other Kids. Here’s What They Need to Thrive. appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Most people can agree: Breakups are hard, especially if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP). The process of ending a relationship, even for the right reasons, can feel impossibly difficult. Research has found this to be true, too. Among divorced couples in Britain, one study found that the stress leading up to a breakup — and the feelings immediately following — are subjectively similar. The researchers also found that mental health, and life satisfaction, improved significantly within the first year after the breakup.

While there is an end to the pain after a breakup, a year may feel like an eternity, especially if you are a highly sensitive person (HSP), which accounts for nearly 30 percent of the human population. HSPs are already more sensitive to pain than most, but the growing pains after a breakup can completely overwhelm one’s sensitive nervous system. The intensity is so strong that it feels like they will never recover. 

However, as a therapist who has helped many of my clients go through a breakup, I’m here to tell you that there are ways to recover.

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5 Ways to Recover From a Breakup as an HSP 

1. Ride the “breakup wave” and find comfort in self-soothing activities.

For HSPs, the emotional toll of a breakup can feel like riding a vicious wave where the nervous system cannot “right” itself. Research shows that any reminder of the other person can cause bodily responses, such as knots in the stomach, a racing heart, a sense of panic, or feeling completely shut down. 

To this end, further research has found that a breakup can actually weaken the immune system and trigger the onset of illness. The term heart ache is not too far from the truth — and, for HSPs, there is an even greater experience of pain. That’s right, HSPs can feel physical pain longer and more intensely — and the same goes for the pain of emotional heartache. 

So to combat an aching heart, it’s important to engage in self-soothing strategies. Taking time to rest, process, and find healthy ways to metabolize the pain are all important when healing from a breakup. According to HSP Psychotherapist Julie Bjelland, highly sensitive people benefit from at least two hours of unstructured alone time per day to help regulate their nervous system — and this is especially true when navigating a break up. 

Alone time — and simply “doing nothing” — allows HSPs space to understand their experience and reflect on any lessons learned from the end of the relationship. Because HSPs readily seek depth and closeness in their relationships, even failed relationships can feel like an immense loss. 

While it may be tempting to seek out comfort from one’s ex during the early stages after a breakup, don’t do it. Doing so can be detrimental to your healing, as HSPs readily absorb the emotions and energy of those around them, including those of their ex. This may result in a cyclical reentry into a relationship that was not healthy to begin with. In this way, the relationship, or ex, becomes a form of addiction the HSP fails to wean from.

So focus on you and your interests as best you can.

2. Be open to getting support from others, whether it’s a close friend or therapist.

For some HSPs, it may feel comforting to completely isolate after a breakup (and I know I suggested alone time above). However, it is important to choose at least one person to spend time with, allowing for opportunities to process the breakup, which will help speed up the process of moving through your heartache. 

Spending time with others that provide comfort is not only helpful for anyone going through a breakup, but it is even more beneficial for an HSP. According to research done by Dr. Thomas Boyce, non-HSPs are less impacted by stressors in their environment as compared to HSPs, who are more negatively impacted by stressful environments, yet are also more influenced by positive ones. What this means is that the more positive people the HSP surrounds themselves with — and the more they engage in activities they love (such as hobbies, work, or other interests) — the sooner they will recover from the heartache of the breakup.

And if you don’t already have a therapist, you may want to seek one out, as they can help you create healthy coping mechanisms, as well as identify recurrent patterns in your romantic relationships. For instance, HSPs tend to fall for toxic relationships, and a therapist can help you uncover why.

3. Remove the relationship’s effect on you with radio silence.

It can be difficult to end the cycle of reconnection (whether it be directly with the ex, or through reading old texts, emails, or staying connected on social media). For this reason, it is helpful to have someone to be accountable to when trying to sustain a breakup. The better someone feels as a result of distancing themselves from their ex, the less likely they will feel dependent on the other person or the failed relationship. Essentially, the longer an HSP goes without having contact with their ex, the better they will feel. 

Practicing “radio silence” is an important step in helping many HSPs heal their nervous system after a breakup. A benefit of not contacting the other person is that it helps reduce obsessive thought patterns. According to the book, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, by Shahida Arabi, M.A., an intermittent “reward,” like unexpectedly seeing an ex or hearing about them, creates a surge of reward chemicals in the brain. This does not mean the relationship should be rekindled; rather, it is a natural response from the nervous system when seeing an ex, which is even more intense for HSPs. 

At times where the temptation to reach out becomes overwhelming, it can help to crowd in self-care practices that reinforce healthier ways to feel joy and comfort. Many refer to these practices as “dating oneself” as a means to redirect positive love and energy inward. Some ideas include:

• Grounding techniques, like breath practices, yoga, and meditation
• Rest
• Exercise
• Writing (perhaps a goodbye letter to the ex — that you do not send — or a love letter to yourself ) or journaling about your emotions
• Drawing, painting, or other forms of art and creativity 
• Getting out in nature, which helps reduce overstimulation for HSPs
• Volunteering 
• Reengaging in groups you may have been a part of before the breakup 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. If you need to still be in contact with the ex — if you have a child together, for instance — be sure to enact boundaries.

Sometimes there are instances where radio silence or cutting someone off cold turkey is not an option, such as if you share a child together. In those instances, it is helpful to continue implementing the idea of “crowding in” positive relationships and meaning and purpose into your life. In this way, you can do your best to experience emotional health and wellness. 

Furthermore, by establishing limited contact while employing all potential boundaries (i.e., only communicating via email or text if necessary), it’ll help increase a sense of safety and control. This allows for your HSP nervous system to better regulate when contact with an ex occurs.

5. Finally, give yourself time and compassion.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that getting over someone will take time, so have a lot of compassion and love for yourself. Plus, understanding that it is normal for HSPs to experience more intense, lengthier pain as a result of a breakup is an important step in healing. 

Similarly, removing self-criticism offers more room for growth, and wisdom that conscientious HSPs are likely to experience as a result of a breakup. Compassion, patience, and seeking outward positive input will help empower you. Although friends and family may say, “You should get back out there!” only you will know when you’re ready — and there really is no rush.

You might like:

• 8 Ways to Survive a Breakup as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships — And How to Stop
• How ‘Doing Nothing’ Does Something Big for HSPs

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Recover From a Breakup as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Before I met my now-husband, I had never heard of the terms “highly sensitive person” or “HSP.” I learned about HSPs after we were already married, and when I did, so much of my life clicked into place.

I am an HSP married to a man who I would categorize as sensitive, but not highly sensitive. And as we’ve been together for many years, we’ve learned a lot about each other. We know what we each need to feel happy and safe, and a lot of my needs have to do with my being highly sensitive. 

My marriage has made me step back and think about what HSPs tend to need more of in committed relationships. Here are some of those things — a few tips for non-HSP partners.

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9 Things HSPs Need Their Partners to Understand           

1. It helps if you know what “highly sensitive” means.

Your partner is the person you’ll be spending more time with than anyone else. HSPs need someone in their corner who can:

• Understand the definition of a highly sensitive person
• Have an understanding of how being highly sensitive affects daily life

Personality traits don’t exist in a vacuum. Being highly sensitive will impact how you handle work and life stress, your social interactions, how you decompress at the end of the day, and what you need to feel mentally sound. 

When someone isn’t an HSP, it can be hard to understand how being highly sensitive feels. Thankfully, partners can learn a lot from a simple Google search, online articles like these, and asking their HSP significant other about their experiences.

I often like to equate my high sensitivity to my attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Although being an HSP is not a mental disorder like ADHD, it is forever a part of me and how I move through this world. While I can adapt habits, routines, and thought processes that work with my brain, some things will still be harder or more overwhelming for me than for those with neurotypical brains or non-HSPs.

HSPs need their partners to understand their natural limits so that the HSP is not constantly overstimulated, leading to anxiety, depression, obsessive worrying, insomnia, and more. When the other person “gets” it as much as they can, the relationship can be a safe place to land in a world that is often too loud.

2. If they appear to be moody, irritable, or rude, they’re just overstimulated.

High sensitivity means that you are very often overwhelmed by life. Getting snappy in response to a simple question or having a negative attitude is often the result of sensory overload for HSPs. 

When I have my mind on my to-do list, there are dishes in the sink, I’m nursing a headache that’s come on suddenly, and my husband comes in and starts talking to me or starts playing music, I’ve been known to lash out or to get teary-eyed because it all feels like too much. And, after I’ve withdrawn to mull over my emotions, I’ll apologize and wish I hadn’t reacted that way.

I have learned to speak up when I’m feeling this way, and my husband has learned to recognize the signs of me being overstimulated. Often, I’ll just say something like, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and just need to sit quietly for a bit” or that I need to shut myself in my office for a while to get things done. My husband knows that it’s nothing personal, just my way of regulating my emotions. After all, we HSPs need alone time to reset and recharge.

If an HSP is overly upset or irritable, they could be deficient in alone time and overstimulated. Even if they’re brief, honest conversations can help both parties better understand what’s going on. 

3. They’ll often absorb your emotions, sometimes before you even recognize them.

HSPs pick up on the smallest of facial movements, voice tone changes, or shifts in body language. The minutest change can sometimes alert me that something is off, leading me to ask my husband if he’s okay.

HSPs will also soak up others’ emotions. I often find myself mirroring my husband’s mood. If he starts talking passionately about a social or political topic, I feel my blood pressure rising, my heart rate increasing, and my whole body feels amped up. When I’m not as passionate about that topic, or I don’t want to get worked up, it actually starts to feel emotionally painful. 

The same goes for when he’s had a hard day at work, is feeling down, or has any other strong or subtle emotion. Ever since we’ve been together, I’ve had to regulate my responses to support him and try not to let the emotions get to me too much. (And this is easier said than done.)

4. A good set of headphones goes a long way.

This one has seriously made such a huge difference in my marriage. 

When we’re doing things separately throughout the day, we each use our own pair of headphones. He can blast whatever he wants into his earbuds while I enjoy the quiet or play something soothing in mine. (On that note, noise-canceling headphones are a fantastic gift for HSPs who need to block out all sounds and noise while getting things done.)

He can have music, podcasts, or TV shows going in the background all day long, but just the thought of that makes me batty. Constant auditory stimulation prevents me from getting anything done, and it often leaves me emotional and stuck in “fight-or-flight” mode. When I have something playing, it’s usually something I’ve listened to or seen a million times before and that I can pause or mute as needed.

Headphones let us be in the same room without forcing certain stimuli on the other person. Then, we can watch or listen to things together when we’re both ready.

5. Getting alone time, separately, makes time together even better.

It’s honestly nothing personal — HSPs just need a lot of alone time to process the world; it’s a little (yet big) thing that makes us happy.

When I’m deficient in alone time — which is when HSPs process the world and recharge — it’s hard for me to be present with my husband during our time together. My brain wants to shift into daydreaming mode and process my day, which just leaves me frustrated.

But when I have regular time to myself each day, I can bring the best energy to our relationship when we are spending time together. Hopefully your partner will not take it personally when you need time alone. When they see how present and recharged you are afterwards, they’ll see how beneficial it is.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. Their definition of “intimacy” might look a little different.

Sex is different for HSPs, and so is any form of intimacy. For example, HSPs are often prone to overarousal and might need more transitions into intimacy. Also, HSPs often appreciate more low-key moments together, such as reading beside each other in bed versus going out to a crowded bar or restaurant.

HSPs are also people-pleasers, so they might not speak up about their preferences in the early stages of a relationship. Open communication can help the couple find a balance when doing things together.

7. For social commitments, they do best with a game plan.

We’ll go to the party with you, but we’d prefer to leave early.

HSPs enjoy relationships with other humans; we just have a hard time with overstimulation, especially if we’re feeling tired or stressed. We can have a better time during social engagements if we know how long we’ll need to socialize. That way, we can better manage our energy.

I’ve found a successful strategy to be RSVPing “yes” to that party, having a nice time while you’re there, and setting a “hard out” time for when you’ll head home. Then you can prevent yourself from getting an “HSP hangover,” which happens after too much overstimulation.

8. They need time to mull over important or complex conversations.

If the couple needs to figure out a problem, talk about any upcoming vacation, or have some other meaningful conversation, it’s difficult for HSPs to jump right into it — they need time to process the details first. Instead of talking about these things impromptu, it’s best to schedule a time to talk about them at a later time.

Chances are good that the HSP partner is already having many conversations with themselves throughout the day. When a conversation requiring a lot of processing is sprung on an HSP, it’s jarring and hard to shift their current mental processes to something new.

Most of the time, my husband and I will make a plan to talk about complex things later in the day. Then, I can bring my full attention to it after mulling over specific details beforehand.

9. They might need extra reassurance from their partner.

Most HSPs have spent a lifetime being told they were “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” Over time, that can start to make anyone feel a little broken. HSPs actually hate inconveniencing others or making them uncomfortable, so we are overly worried about doing something wrong.

We might need extra reminders that there’s nothing wrong with us — being sensitive is just a part of who we are. And we are really doing the best we can, whether that’s in life or within our relationship. A supportive non-HSP partner means everything to us, and a little understanding goes a long way from both sides of the relationship.

You might like:

• 7 Keys to a Happy, Thriving Marriage with a Highly Sensitive Person
• How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner

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