You could be in a relationship with a highly sensitive person and not even know it — but you’ll definitely recognize some of the signs. Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are deeply thoughtful, often creative individuals who feel their emotions deeply. Roughly 30% of all people are highly sensitive, meaning they are wired at a brain level to process information deeply and respond more to their environment. That’s why they tend to be very attuned both to physical sensations (like textures and sounds) as well as the emotions and moods of others. You can think of HSPs as being more attuned to everything around them. They think deeply, feel strongly, and notice things that others miss.

(Read more about what it means to be a highly sensitive person.)

Loving an HSP can be breathtaking, but it’s also somewhat different from other types of relationships. So what does a highly sensitive person need in order to trust and love their partner? Here are 12 secrets that real HSPs wish their partner knew.

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What You Need to Know About Being in a Relationship With an HSP

1. Your HSP will notice (and feel) what you feel.

Sometimes people navigate life by telling white lies about their feelings. For example: “What’s wrong?” “Nothing, I’m fine.” These little fibs are meant to lubricate relationships by smoothing over the uncomfortable bits.

Highly sensitive people, however, can’t help but pick up on the subtle emotional cues that are often left unspoken — the tension in your voice, the slump in your shoulders, or your sudden avoidance of eye contact. HSPs don’t even do this consciously; they just process the signals and “absorb” what you’re feeling — and that means they feel it in their bodies, too. Your stress is their stress, and your suppressed anger can become their all-night worry session.

This can be hard, but it helps if you’re willing to talk openly about your emotions and, most of all, if you have (or teach yourself) good listening skills. When the HSP can talk about what they feel, and they know that it’s being heard and accepted, they’ll know they’ve got a keeper.

2. Give your HSP a little more time to adjust to changes.

Change can be hard for anyone, but HSPs process things more deeply than others do. That means that even positive changes, like starting a new relationship, can be really overwhelming. (If you’ve ever seen someone cry because of good news, they may have been highly sensitive.) As a result, HSPs take relationships slowly, especially at the beginning. Don’t be surprised if your HSP needs time to themselves or seems “lukewarm” at first. They’re doing what they’ve learned they need to do to protect their heart (and their stress level).

3. Choose your first movie carefully.

I think we all know that a slasher horror film isn’t a great first date movie unless you know the other person’s tastes well. But even with more mainstream movies, avoid anything likely to be super violent or gory (like most action films), because HSPs tend to “feel” the pain and emotions of those on the big screen. Some tasteful suspense is fine, but violence and cruelty often leave HSPs somewhere between upset and overwhelmed.

4. No more sneaking up!

It’s not cute to sneak up on an HSP and scare them — they have a high startle reflex. And no, they won’t laugh afterward. They’ll need minutes (or longer) to recover.

5. There will be times when you’re amazed.

All this talk about processing and stress — it has an upside. The same qualities that make it so hard to be an HSP translate to a rare gift that gets even stronger as life goes on. Dating an HSP means that every so often you’re just going to be blown away by the insights they come up with, or the beauty of something they create — seemingly out of nowhere. This is “the deal” with dating an HSP: Once they truly trust you, they share their brilliance as well as their vulnerability.

6. Sometimes they need time alone.

Some highly sensitive people are introverts. Some are extroverts. But all of them, even the most social and chatty, sometimes need to disappear on their own and be left alone. This is because stimulation of all kinds — social or otherwise — can quickly overwhelm an HSP’s senses, and they need time without stimulation to “come down.”

If you’re living together, your HSP may have a room that’s just theirs and ask you never to enter. If you live separately, they may seem to vanish for a few days (or an afternoon) to process. If you want your HSP to alert you when they have to do this, so you know what’s going on, you’ll have to be willing to respect them and not disrupt their alone time when they say they need it.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

7. They love being engaged on a deeper level.

Highly sensitive people process things deeply, so they’re usually thinking about the big things in life. That could be as personal as how a friendship is going to work out, or as cosmic as the future of humankind. Either way, HSPs want to move quickly beyond surface-level chitchat. Come with an open mind and willingness to talk big topics.

8. They know that most people don’t understand them.

Only about 15-20 percent of the population are HSPs. And much of the remaining 80+ percent has never even heard of high sensitivity. As a result, HSPs don’t just feel misunderstood — they are misunderstood. And they’re used to how most people handle it: by trying to pigeonhole them, stick a stereotype on them, or simply tell them there’s something wrong with them. If you take a different approach, like listening openly and trying to understand their experiences, you will stand out. And they’ll love you for it.

9. Never use these two labels.

HSPs are sick of being told that they’re “too sensitive” or even “shy.”

If you’re about to use these words, don’t. Give them time or let them tell you how they feel. Your highly sensitive person will appreciate you taking the time to understand.

10. Their environment affects them.

We all like some types of environments better than others. But an HSP’s system puts a lot more energy into processing the signals around them — be that noise, light, activity, or the presence of other people. That means that even a moderately “busy” space can quickly become all-consuming for an HSP’s system, and they may have to leave or face overwhelm and collapse.

For an HSP’s partner, that means three simple rules: Think about whether your HSP will enjoy a setting before you make a plan; give them plenty of advance warning if a venue is going to be loud, crowded, or busy; and be understanding and supportive if they say they have to leave — even if they were having fun just minutes ago.

11. Nothing takes a bigger toll than conflict.

Lots of people don’t like conflict. For an HSP, however, it’s more than that: Conflict is a major source of overwhelm. It’s a situation that demands fast, firm responses (sensory overload) while dumping emotional signals on them (emotional overload). Basically a one-two punch for high sensitivity. (This is related to why HSPs have a hard time dealing with criticism, which comes loaded with the potential for conflict.)

For better or for worse, many HSPs deal with this by going out of their way to keep their partner happy. This can become a problem, particularly when they don’t speak up for their own needs. If you’re dating an HSP, be aware of this tendency; help your partner feel safe to speak their mind, and look together for ways to manage conflict gently. Again, listening skills and creating safe space for honest, no-yelling discussion go a long way.

12. Nothing is sexier to an HSP than being accepted.

Let’s be real for a second. Most HSPs have had a long list of suitors who took zero minutes to understand them. These are people who saw the HSP’s creativity, their sensitivity, or their quirky personality and said, “I love that. That’s charming.” But these same people never took the time to say, “I also accept and love the side that has needs, the side that has to process, the side that feels things so deeply, the side that’s inconvenient when it gets overwhelmed.”

Those two sides are part of a single package. No HSP can have one without the other. And every HSP learns to avoid people who only want half of them.

If you can take the time to listen and accept your HSP — for their whole being — they will love you more deeply than you have ever been loved before. And if they can trust you when they’re overwhelmed, they will know they’ve found a soul mate.

You might like:

• 12 Reasons You Should Date a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships — And How to Stop
• 27 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re an HSP

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 12 Secrets About Being in a Relationship With a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Are you dating a highly sensitive person (HSP)? Or do you identify as an HSP? Dating can be awkward, uncomfortable and downright worrisome, no matter who you are. If you’re a highly sensitive person, it’s tricky enough to navigate an overstimulating world, but adding another person to the mix is a whole new level. 

If this feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. It’s complicated, but it can be easily done and also be extremely rewarding. There’s a lot you can try in order to make dating as comfortable and fun as possible. The more prepared you are, the better. Here are some things to keep in mind when dating a highly sensitive person.

10 Things to Keep in Mind When Dating an HSP 

1. They will notice if you’re not being genuine.

HSPs have great intuition and can get a read on your vibe through tiny details, such as your body language and facial expressions. They just know. Something between the two of you will probably feel off if you try to get away with a lie or hide something from them. So being authentic, and honest, is always the best policy.

2. Communication is key — they value deep connections and conversations.

Does your HSP partner have any specific triggers you’re aware of? Do you have some, too? Letting each other know about them helps increase understanding. The more you know and communicate, the more you can be there for one another in any situation. 

This can also help you avoid unnecessary stress. For example, a moderately crowded café is probably relaxing for a lot of people, but some HSPs may be overstimulated by all the voices and noise in the room. After all, they’re sensitive to their environments, so plan accordingly. 

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3. Know that external stimuli greatly affects them.

HSPs will hone in on even the slightest sounds, smells, movements, and tastes that others don’t notice. This can be really overwhelming at times, especially when trying to focus on another person. But if things get overstimulating, a little support — and a lot of patience — can work wonders. If you’re not sure about a certain place and how it will impact the HSP you’re dating, just ask!

4. Remember that they feel emotions intensely, their own as well as yours.

One major highlight of being an HSP is the feature of being highly perceptive of emotion. An HSP might be moved to tears by a sad song, a TV commercial, or something sweet you say to them. So keep this in mind when picking your next date — or date night movie. 

However, this doesn’t mean you have to avoid any potentially emotional situations. Just as with any sensitivity, it can be just as beautiful as it is frustrating. Handling these feelings in productive ways can help bring the two of you closer together. 

5. It’s usually best to plan dates ahead. 

If you took your date ice skating as a surprise, you’d probably let them know to bring a jacket, right? You can think about sensitivities the same way. A little communication and preparation will help the date run a lot smoother. 

For example, if you’re going someplace loud, bring headphones along. If there will be a long car ride involved, maybe a fidget spinner or object can help, as well as listening to their favorite podcast. Resources such as social media and good old Google can help you think of the evening of your dreams, too. And, then, plan accordingly!

6. Give them time to adjust to the location or event.

For highly sensitive people, nearly any (and every) change can feel disruptive and scary. Even the change of seasons affect some HSPs more so than non-HSPs. So you can imagine how jarring sudden changes can be. If your partner doesn’t seem relaxed in a new place, or even in a new relationship, they are likely still feeling things out. Just give them time… 

7. You will probably learn a lot of new things (if you listen closely).

Does your HSP partner tend to notice new and interesting things throughout the day? Do they remember things that others don’t because they are so detail-oriented? 

Highly sensitive people take in a lot of information on a nearly-constant basis. It can definitely be overwhelming (to them), but it can also be pretty useful. Talking to an HSP will likely keep you engaged. Plus, they value deep talk much more than small talk, so you can finally have those meaningful conversations you’ve been craving. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

8. Don’t ignore their discomfort; instead, imagine yourself in their shoes. 

If your HSP seems uncomfortable, or says they do, pay attention. Think about how you would want someone you’re with to react if you told them something was bothering you? It can be hard to know what to say or do when something comes up, especially when it’s sudden, but it’s more about how you say it than the actual words you utter. 

Ignoring their feelings certainly won’t help the situation, even if you’re just trying to distract them with a joke. Odds are, not many people will be able to take their attention away from their surroundings. So a simple suggestion like, “Should we step outside for a minute?” or a straightforward question like, “What would you like to do?” should help a lot.

9. Choose surprises carefully.

On a scale from one to 10, how difficult is it to plan a surprise date night for an HSP? Chances are, you won’t be able to keep it a surprise for long since highly sensitive people are so perceptive. They will probably intuitively feel that you are hiding something, which might prompt them to ask. 

On the other hand, surprising an HSP with a hug from behind can be so startling that it takes more than a few seconds for them to recover from it. Even the dreaded, “I have to tell you something” sets an HSP’s heart pounding. So it helps if the suspense element is kept to a minimum when dating an HSP. 

10. Stop using phrases like “too sensitive” and “too much.”

You want to date someone who makes you feel good, right? For an HSP, this might translate into looking for someone who accepts their sensitivities — without judgment. It’s already emotionally draining to deal with constant overstimulation, so it can be truly disheartening to feel like someone is simply tolerating you rather than choosing to be with you. (Plus, HSPs tend to have relationship anxiety as it is, and you don’t want to add to it!)

Simple sentences like “You’re being too sensitive” or “It’s too much” carry more weight than you may think. So it’s important to choose your words carefully and listen to your HSP partner — through their verbal and non-verbal cues — with an open, loving mind. After all, you want to make them happy, right?

Are you dating an HSP or are you an HSP yourself? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

You might like:

• 12 Reasons You Should Date a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Are More Prone to Relationship Anxiety
• 7 Little Things That Make Highly Sensitive People Happy

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 10 Secrets About Dating an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Growing up, I loved fairy tales. There was just something special about hearing “and they lived happily ever after” that always put a huge smile on my face. When I got married, there was a little girl in me still wishing for that “happily ever after.” I mean, being happily married is the ultimate goal in marriage… right?

During my 15-year marriage, my goal has shifted from solely happiness in marriage to actual healthiness in marriage. Such a large emphasis is placed on the various social benefits of marriage — comradery, companionship, and coupling, for example — that sometimes the health benefits of marriage are overlooked. In fact, according to WebMD, marriage is not only good for your emotional health, but for your physical health, as well. Although I wish I could just wriggle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and magically source my marriage into health and happiness, that is just not possible.

Fifteen years of mountaintops, valleys, and plateaus have all taught me that maintaining a balanced homeostasis within marriage is a goal my husband and I must continuously work toward. There have been times where our marriage has felt much more like a battlefield than an oasis, and it is in these times that my highly sensitive mind and heart have earned their “battle-tested” accolades. It’s been in these times that our marriage has tested the bounds of both happiness and health.

Before we can understand how to improve a marriage — or any type of romantic partnership — as a highly sensitive person (HSP), it’s important to understand what being highly sensitive even means in the first place.

What Is Sensitivity?

If you’re “sensitive,” it’s not what most people think it is. Instead of being seen as a weakness — which is a falsehood — being sensitive is a healthy personality trait, a core part of our being. We can’t change it even if we tried. This means that everyone is sensitive to some level, yet some people are more sensitive than others. In fact, highly sensitive people make up nearly 30 percent of the population, which means almost 1 in 3 people are more sensitive. By this, we mean both physically (to stimuli such as lights, textures, sounds, and temperature) and emotionally (to the words, feelings, facial expressions, and social cues of those around them). 

The sensitivity trait is associated with many strengths and superpowers: we all know a sensitive artist (highly sensitive types tend to be creative) and those who are empathic more than most (they feel your pain as much as you do). Plus, sensitive souls tend to be deep thinkers, have a lot of emotional depth, pay much attention to detail, and an intuitive gift for making connections and witnessing moments that other people miss. Collectively, all these qualities make up a different definition of “sensitive” than you may be used to. Sensitives are anything but weak; they’re strong, gifted, and thoughtful.

Within a marriage, highly sensitive people bring a lot of positive qualities to the relationship. But how, exactly, does sensitivity apply in a marriage? Read on to find out.

Understanding My Sensitivity and How It Can Benefit My Marriage

As a highly sensitive person, I’ve always taken my marriage very seriously and have actively sought to improve the quality of it. I’ve spent hours researching resources available to HSPs to aid in understanding how to improve the quality of our marriages and to be better spouses. I’ve literally studied how to be married.

Due in large part to our love of deep connections, our empathetic nature, and our pervasive conscientiousness, HSPs inherently demonstrate key characteristics vital to maintaining successful relationships, especially long-term ones, such as marriage. Sometimes, however, these same attributes can overwhelm a person who doesn’t identify as highly sensitive (like my husband). This is why it is important for both parties to take proper care to understand and accept their partner and their needs. A collective effort is necessary to provide a fertile environment in order for marriages to flourish.

Yes, sensitive types have a tendency to place the needs and comfort of others before our own. Though I have come to embrace this sensitivity personality trait as a superpower, like most superpowers, there is a catch: putting others before myself can act as my kryptonite, becoming a source of angst and/or resentment. 

Being highly sensitive, I am constantly prioritizing my spouse’s needs at the expense of neglecting my own. This sometimes causes me to miss some of the classic signals of HSP burnout. There are times when I have begun to feel overlooked, neglected, and taken for granted, pouring out of my highly sensitive love bucket without feeling as though I was receiving a reciprocal effort. Without addressing these feelings, my husband and I have found ourselves in a vicious cycle that in no way benefits our marriage. 

In order to aid in building strong and long-standing marriages — and to help us to avoid experiencing burnout — HSPs must enlist the use of various tools and strategies (especially if you are in a relationship with a non-HSP). We must actively identify areas that need individual attention, and also those areas that we must enlist the help of our partners to improve. 

I’ve discovered four key strategies that have served as “relationship fertilizer,” adding tremendously to the continued growth and strength of my marriage. Whether you are a highly sensitive person, or you are married to one, perhaps you will find these tips beneficial as you seek to improve your marriage. It is my fervent hope that you will be able to implement some — or all — of them as you seek to strengthen, grow, and fortify your marriage relationship, as well. 

4 Ways to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

1. You must have honest and open communication 

Honesty provides a solid and reliable foundation for successful relationships. Highly sensitive types need to be in relationships in which honesty is the rule, not the exception. HSPs crave honest and heartfelt conversations. To that end, it is vital that we are safe to communicate things that we like and dislike, as well as those things that trigger certain emotions and responses in our partners. 

I recognize that being married to a highly sensitive person can, at times, be delicate for a non-sensitive person. Unaware of what to say, how to say it, or even when to broach certain conversations can add to tension and strife within marriages. The dynamic between the HSP, who wants nothing more than to connect with their partner by expressing their deepest selves, and the non-HSP partner, who is unaware of exactly how to broach certain conversations, can be somewhat tricky. However, navigating this dynamic is not impossible.

We sensitive people need to be heard, but, more importantly, understood. Here are a few strategies that can be employed to further fruitful dialogue between HSP and their spouses:

• Respect that both parties have different opinions, and that the goal is not necessarily agreement, but understanding 
• Read the body language of one another so you can gauge the temperature of the exchange and determine how to best proceed
• Avoid invalidating one another’s emotions
• Schedule time to talk about hard conversations; sometimes we must respect the idea that “now is not a good time”

These four strategies can help create an environment that will benefit both of you, and may offer the opportunity to delve into more difficult, but necessary, conversations. Remember: Marriage is a team endeavor — you are both working toward the same goals with one another, and not against one another.

2. Be willing to enlist the help of a professional

There may be times that the previously discussed strategies will not work. Perhaps the more sensitive partner is still unable or uncomfortable tackling the tough issues with their spouses. Or maybe they have difficulty pinpointing the exact issues that need to be addressed (an already frustrating event in our highly sensitive minds, as we have likely spent endless hours overthinking the situation). In moments like this, it is sometimes beneficial to enlist the help of a professional: a therapist or trained marriage counselor. They can:

• Act as an unbiased third party, giving honest feedback to both spouses
• Identify relationship roadblocks before they become too daunting to effectively maneuver
• Help find ways to increase the intimate connection between you and your partner
• Offer a safe space for spouses to further educate themselves about one another in a judgment-free zone

I sometimes make the unfair assumption that my husband automatically understands how my highly sensitive mind and heart work, since we have been married for so long. I’ve been guilty of placing unfair expectations on him, tasking him with reading my mind and understanding the meanings behind my words, rather than the words themselves. 

When we have found ourselves unable to communicate our truest feelings to one another, we have turned to the professional guidance of our marriage counselor. Something that we have found to be key in counseling has been the education we have both gained surrounding highly sensitive people in marriage. Even identifying as an HSP, there are still those critical moments when I cannot fully conceptualize or explain the “me” of things. Counseling not only offers me the opportunity to dig deeper into this understanding, but to do so with my husband by my side gaining understanding, as well. 

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3. Be willing to continue to educate yourself

Marriage counseling provides an invaluable educational opportunity for couples. Even still, in order to continue to improve our marriages, sensitive people must be willing to enroll in “Maintaining Marriage 101: a life-long continuing education course in marriage.” (Yes, I made that up). Spouses who love their highly sensitive partners invest time and effort into understanding our needs. HSPs think deeply, feel intuitively, and are highly observant, and we are willing to do the work to help to insure the longevity of our marriages and to meet our partners where they are, as well. Learning about one another is vital. The more we know together, the more we are able to grow together.

As a sensitive person, I am always seeking to connect deeper with my husband. Some things that have proven valuable in intensifying our connection have been:  

• Carving out date nights for just the two of us to disconnect from everything except one another 
• Celebrating and respecting one another’s individuality by embracing the differences each of our personalities brings to the marriage
• Identifying mutual interests that we can enjoy as a married couple
• Honoring one another’s space and autonomy by allowing for times to recharge so that time spent together can be fully enjoyed

Regularly incorporating these practices into our marriage has allowed me to view it as a safe and welcome space. An added bonus has been that this space contributes to my highly sensitive superpower of enjoying deep connections within my most intimate relationship. 

4. Establish both individual boundaries and marital boundaries

Boundaries are fundamental in allowing both parties in a marriage to thrive both as individuals and as a part of the marital team. HSPs sometimes find boundary-setting difficult, due to the importance we place on other people’s feelings and needs. 

As a sensitive soul, I often have to remind myself that boundaries are not negative. Let me say that again: boundaries are not negative. In fact, boundaries are necessary and take a lot of the guess-work out of relational expectations. Healthy boundaries aren’t set to benefit one person at the expense of another; rather, they consider each party’s rights and dignities. 

Once I had a better understanding of how boundaries could benefit my marriage, I became more aware of those areas around which I needed to set boundaries for myself, and those I felt were important to protect my marriage. Keep in mind: boundaries are not a one-size-fits-all idea. There are, however, some general considerations you can make when establishing personal and marital boundaries. For instance:

• Make sure each boundary’s purpose is to better the relationship
• Acknowledge that the boundaries aren’t being put in place to be rigid and harsh, but rather to protect and provide structure
• Respect both parties’ individual rights and needs — neither more than the other
• Embrace the differences in one another’s feelings, and aim to never, ever invalidate what is important to one another

I once read that, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” Writer Robert A. Heinlein is behind that quote and, as an HSP, this rings especially true. My goal within my marriage is to contribute to an environment that helps to plant seeds of happiness, love, and deep connection. By intentionally practicing behaviors aimed to improve our relationship, my goal is to harvest a marital garden that reaps good fruit, while tilling the soil and pulling out the bad weeds. It’s in this “garden of love” that I am sure “happily ever after” continues to grow, season after season. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 7 Keys to a Happy, Thriving Marriage with a Highly Sensitive Person
• The Challenges of Being an HSP in a Relationship With a Non-HSP
• My High Sensitivity Saved My Marriage. But First, It Almost Ruined It.

The post How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Most people can agree: Breakups are hard, especially if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP). The process of ending a relationship, even for the right reasons, can feel impossibly difficult. Research has found this to be true, too. Among divorced couples in Britain, one study found that the stress leading up to a breakup — and the feelings immediately following — are subjectively similar. The researchers also found that mental health, and life satisfaction, improved significantly within the first year after the breakup.

While there is an end to the pain after a breakup, a year may feel like an eternity, especially if you are a highly sensitive person (HSP), which accounts for nearly 30 percent of the human population. HSPs are already more sensitive to pain than most, but the growing pains after a breakup can completely overwhelm one’s sensitive nervous system. The intensity is so strong that it feels like they will never recover. 

However, as a therapist who has helped many of my clients go through a breakup, I’m here to tell you that there are ways to recover.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

5 Ways to Recover From a Breakup as an HSP 

1. Ride the “breakup wave” and find comfort in self-soothing activities.

For HSPs, the emotional toll of a breakup can feel like riding a vicious wave where the nervous system cannot “right” itself. Research shows that any reminder of the other person can cause bodily responses, such as knots in the stomach, a racing heart, a sense of panic, or feeling completely shut down. 

To this end, further research has found that a breakup can actually weaken the immune system and trigger the onset of illness. The term heart ache is not too far from the truth — and, for HSPs, there is an even greater experience of pain. That’s right, HSPs can feel physical pain longer and more intensely — and the same goes for the pain of emotional heartache. 

So to combat an aching heart, it’s important to engage in self-soothing strategies. Taking time to rest, process, and find healthy ways to metabolize the pain are all important when healing from a breakup. According to HSP Psychotherapist Julie Bjelland, highly sensitive people benefit from at least two hours of unstructured alone time per day to help regulate their nervous system — and this is especially true when navigating a break up. 

Alone time — and simply “doing nothing” — allows HSPs space to understand their experience and reflect on any lessons learned from the end of the relationship. Because HSPs readily seek depth and closeness in their relationships, even failed relationships can feel like an immense loss. 

While it may be tempting to seek out comfort from one’s ex during the early stages after a breakup, don’t do it. Doing so can be detrimental to your healing, as HSPs readily absorb the emotions and energy of those around them, including those of their ex. This may result in a cyclical reentry into a relationship that was not healthy to begin with. In this way, the relationship, or ex, becomes a form of addiction the HSP fails to wean from.

So focus on you and your interests as best you can.

2. Be open to getting support from others, whether it’s a close friend or therapist.

For some HSPs, it may feel comforting to completely isolate after a breakup (and I know I suggested alone time above). However, it is important to choose at least one person to spend time with, allowing for opportunities to process the breakup, which will help speed up the process of moving through your heartache. 

Spending time with others that provide comfort is not only helpful for anyone going through a breakup, but it is even more beneficial for an HSP. According to research done by Dr. Thomas Boyce, non-HSPs are less impacted by stressors in their environment as compared to HSPs, who are more negatively impacted by stressful environments, yet are also more influenced by positive ones. What this means is that the more positive people the HSP surrounds themselves with — and the more they engage in activities they love (such as hobbies, work, or other interests) — the sooner they will recover from the heartache of the breakup.

And if you don’t already have a therapist, you may want to seek one out, as they can help you create healthy coping mechanisms, as well as identify recurrent patterns in your romantic relationships. For instance, HSPs tend to fall for toxic relationships, and a therapist can help you uncover why.

3. Remove the relationship’s effect on you with radio silence.

It can be difficult to end the cycle of reconnection (whether it be directly with the ex, or through reading old texts, emails, or staying connected on social media). For this reason, it is helpful to have someone to be accountable to when trying to sustain a breakup. The better someone feels as a result of distancing themselves from their ex, the less likely they will feel dependent on the other person or the failed relationship. Essentially, the longer an HSP goes without having contact with their ex, the better they will feel. 

Practicing “radio silence” is an important step in helping many HSPs heal their nervous system after a breakup. A benefit of not contacting the other person is that it helps reduce obsessive thought patterns. According to the book, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, by Shahida Arabi, M.A., an intermittent “reward,” like unexpectedly seeing an ex or hearing about them, creates a surge of reward chemicals in the brain. This does not mean the relationship should be rekindled; rather, it is a natural response from the nervous system when seeing an ex, which is even more intense for HSPs. 

At times where the temptation to reach out becomes overwhelming, it can help to crowd in self-care practices that reinforce healthier ways to feel joy and comfort. Many refer to these practices as “dating oneself” as a means to redirect positive love and energy inward. Some ideas include:

• Grounding techniques, like breath practices, yoga, and meditation
• Rest
• Exercise
• Writing (perhaps a goodbye letter to the ex — that you do not send — or a love letter to yourself ) or journaling about your emotions
• Drawing, painting, or other forms of art and creativity 
• Getting out in nature, which helps reduce overstimulation for HSPs
• Volunteering 
• Reengaging in groups you may have been a part of before the breakup 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. If you need to still be in contact with the ex — if you have a child together, for instance — be sure to enact boundaries.

Sometimes there are instances where radio silence or cutting someone off cold turkey is not an option, such as if you share a child together. In those instances, it is helpful to continue implementing the idea of “crowding in” positive relationships and meaning and purpose into your life. In this way, you can do your best to experience emotional health and wellness. 

Furthermore, by establishing limited contact while employing all potential boundaries (i.e., only communicating via email or text if necessary), it’ll help increase a sense of safety and control. This allows for your HSP nervous system to better regulate when contact with an ex occurs.

5. Finally, give yourself time and compassion.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that getting over someone will take time, so have a lot of compassion and love for yourself. Plus, understanding that it is normal for HSPs to experience more intense, lengthier pain as a result of a breakup is an important step in healing. 

Similarly, removing self-criticism offers more room for growth, and wisdom that conscientious HSPs are likely to experience as a result of a breakup. Compassion, patience, and seeking outward positive input will help empower you. Although friends and family may say, “You should get back out there!” only you will know when you’re ready — and there really is no rush.

You might like:

• 8 Ways to Survive a Breakup as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships — And How to Stop
• How ‘Doing Nothing’ Does Something Big for HSPs

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Recover From a Breakup as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Before I met my now-husband, I had never heard of the terms “highly sensitive person” or “HSP.” I learned about HSPs after we were already married, and when I did, so much of my life clicked into place.

I am an HSP married to a man who I would categorize as sensitive, but not highly sensitive. And as we’ve been together for many years, we’ve learned a lot about each other. We know what we each need to feel happy and safe, and a lot of my needs have to do with my being highly sensitive. 

My marriage has made me step back and think about what HSPs tend to need more of in committed relationships. Here are some of those things — a few tips for non-HSP partners.

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9 Things HSPs Need Their Partners to Understand           

1. It helps if you know what “highly sensitive” means.

Your partner is the person you’ll be spending more time with than anyone else. HSPs need someone in their corner who can:

• Understand the definition of a highly sensitive person
• Have an understanding of how being highly sensitive affects daily life

Personality traits don’t exist in a vacuum. Being highly sensitive will impact how you handle work and life stress, your social interactions, how you decompress at the end of the day, and what you need to feel mentally sound. 

When someone isn’t an HSP, it can be hard to understand how being highly sensitive feels. Thankfully, partners can learn a lot from a simple Google search, online articles like these, and asking their HSP significant other about their experiences.

I often like to equate my high sensitivity to my attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Although being an HSP is not a mental disorder like ADHD, it is forever a part of me and how I move through this world. While I can adapt habits, routines, and thought processes that work with my brain, some things will still be harder or more overwhelming for me than for those with neurotypical brains or non-HSPs.

HSPs need their partners to understand their natural limits so that the HSP is not constantly overstimulated, leading to anxiety, depression, obsessive worrying, insomnia, and more. When the other person “gets” it as much as they can, the relationship can be a safe place to land in a world that is often too loud.

2. If they appear to be moody, irritable, or rude, they’re just overstimulated.

High sensitivity means that you are very often overwhelmed by life. Getting snappy in response to a simple question or having a negative attitude is often the result of sensory overload for HSPs. 

When I have my mind on my to-do list, there are dishes in the sink, I’m nursing a headache that’s come on suddenly, and my husband comes in and starts talking to me or starts playing music, I’ve been known to lash out or to get teary-eyed because it all feels like too much. And, after I’ve withdrawn to mull over my emotions, I’ll apologize and wish I hadn’t reacted that way.

I have learned to speak up when I’m feeling this way, and my husband has learned to recognize the signs of me being overstimulated. Often, I’ll just say something like, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and just need to sit quietly for a bit” or that I need to shut myself in my office for a while to get things done. My husband knows that it’s nothing personal, just my way of regulating my emotions. After all, we HSPs need alone time to reset and recharge.

If an HSP is overly upset or irritable, they could be deficient in alone time and overstimulated. Even if they’re brief, honest conversations can help both parties better understand what’s going on. 

3. They’ll often absorb your emotions, sometimes before you even recognize them.

HSPs pick up on the smallest of facial movements, voice tone changes, or shifts in body language. The minutest change can sometimes alert me that something is off, leading me to ask my husband if he’s okay.

HSPs will also soak up others’ emotions. I often find myself mirroring my husband’s mood. If he starts talking passionately about a social or political topic, I feel my blood pressure rising, my heart rate increasing, and my whole body feels amped up. When I’m not as passionate about that topic, or I don’t want to get worked up, it actually starts to feel emotionally painful. 

The same goes for when he’s had a hard day at work, is feeling down, or has any other strong or subtle emotion. Ever since we’ve been together, I’ve had to regulate my responses to support him and try not to let the emotions get to me too much. (And this is easier said than done.)

4. A good set of headphones goes a long way.

This one has seriously made such a huge difference in my marriage. 

When we’re doing things separately throughout the day, we each use our own pair of headphones. He can blast whatever he wants into his earbuds while I enjoy the quiet or play something soothing in mine. (On that note, noise-canceling headphones are a fantastic gift for HSPs who need to block out all sounds and noise while getting things done.)

He can have music, podcasts, or TV shows going in the background all day long, but just the thought of that makes me batty. Constant auditory stimulation prevents me from getting anything done, and it often leaves me emotional and stuck in “fight-or-flight” mode. When I have something playing, it’s usually something I’ve listened to or seen a million times before and that I can pause or mute as needed.

Headphones let us be in the same room without forcing certain stimuli on the other person. Then, we can watch or listen to things together when we’re both ready.

5. Getting alone time, separately, makes time together even better.

It’s honestly nothing personal — HSPs just need a lot of alone time to process the world; it’s a little (yet big) thing that makes us happy.

When I’m deficient in alone time — which is when HSPs process the world and recharge — it’s hard for me to be present with my husband during our time together. My brain wants to shift into daydreaming mode and process my day, which just leaves me frustrated.

But when I have regular time to myself each day, I can bring the best energy to our relationship when we are spending time together. Hopefully your partner will not take it personally when you need time alone. When they see how present and recharged you are afterwards, they’ll see how beneficial it is.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. Their definition of “intimacy” might look a little different.

Sex is different for HSPs, and so is any form of intimacy. For example, HSPs are often prone to overarousal and might need more transitions into intimacy. Also, HSPs often appreciate more low-key moments together, such as reading beside each other in bed versus going out to a crowded bar or restaurant.

HSPs are also people-pleasers, so they might not speak up about their preferences in the early stages of a relationship. Open communication can help the couple find a balance when doing things together.

7. For social commitments, they do best with a game plan.

We’ll go to the party with you, but we’d prefer to leave early.

HSPs enjoy relationships with other humans; we just have a hard time with overstimulation, especially if we’re feeling tired or stressed. We can have a better time during social engagements if we know how long we’ll need to socialize. That way, we can better manage our energy.

I’ve found a successful strategy to be RSVPing “yes” to that party, having a nice time while you’re there, and setting a “hard out” time for when you’ll head home. Then you can prevent yourself from getting an “HSP hangover,” which happens after too much overstimulation.

8. They need time to mull over important or complex conversations.

If the couple needs to figure out a problem, talk about any upcoming vacation, or have some other meaningful conversation, it’s difficult for HSPs to jump right into it — they need time to process the details first. Instead of talking about these things impromptu, it’s best to schedule a time to talk about them at a later time.

Chances are good that the HSP partner is already having many conversations with themselves throughout the day. When a conversation requiring a lot of processing is sprung on an HSP, it’s jarring and hard to shift their current mental processes to something new.

Most of the time, my husband and I will make a plan to talk about complex things later in the day. Then, I can bring my full attention to it after mulling over specific details beforehand.

9. They might need extra reassurance from their partner.

Most HSPs have spent a lifetime being told they were “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” Over time, that can start to make anyone feel a little broken. HSPs actually hate inconveniencing others or making them uncomfortable, so we are overly worried about doing something wrong.

We might need extra reminders that there’s nothing wrong with us — being sensitive is just a part of who we are. And we are really doing the best we can, whether that’s in life or within our relationship. A supportive non-HSP partner means everything to us, and a little understanding goes a long way from both sides of the relationship.

You might like:

• 7 Keys to a Happy, Thriving Marriage with a Highly Sensitive Person
• How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner

The post 9 Things HSPs Need Their Partners to Understand appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Healthy relationships are crucial to our well-being. In fact, research suggests that meaningful relationships are one of the most significant contributors to our overall happiness. Relationships are arguably even more important for those of us who are highly sensitive people (HSPs). In part, this is because we feel things more deeply, including our connection with others, and feeling supported and understood by others is invaluable to the human experience. As a psychotherapist, I know this can make a big impact for my clients.   

However, it is also necessary to note that the health of our relationships determines whether or not we will experience the benefits described above. Just as healthy relationships can add to our contentment, unhealthy relationships can promote stress, low self-esteem, and even depression. 

Therefore, it is important to know the signs of being in a healthy relationship, especially as a sensitive person. Although society tends to prioritize (heteronormative) romantic relationships, the following list can be used for any sort of relationship: family, chosen family, friendships, and even professional ones. As a psychotherapist, here are the 10 signs of a healthy relationship that I look for and you can apply to your life, too.

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10 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship as an HSP

1. You truly listen to and hear each other.

You’ve probably heard before the importance of communication in relationships. This is because communication really is the foundation of any healthy relationship. After all, how can we meet each other’s needs if we do not know what is going on? Knowing that someone is actively listening to us and really hears what we have to say is essential for an HSP. Since we are a minority of the population — up to 30 percent of people are likely HSPs — we are already prone to feeling misunderstood by society. Therefore, it is imperative that those closest to us are willing to understand, instead of assuming, our reality for us.

2. You are compassionate and supportive.

HSPs are compassionate by nature. In order to thrive, we need others to show us that same compassion in return. Sensitive people tend to shut down when others have cold and harsh attitudes that are lacking in empathy and caring. Compassion also holds that relationships are a two-way street. HSPs are naturally caring, and therefore run the risk of giving much more than taking.   

Plus, sensitive types can often be hesitant to talk about ourselves, as we do not want to burden or trouble others. This means that it is essential for others to invite us in, check on us, and ask us how we are doing. Indeed, HSPs require this emotional support in any relationship. Although this balance can fluctuate periodically depending on circumstances, overall, there should be that mutual support in which all people are there for each other.

3. You experience “sympathetic joy” — you find happiness in each other’s happiness.

Most of us are familiar with this experience: We finally achieve that huge accomplishment we’ve been working so hard for. However, instead of celebrating with us, we can tell that the other person is resentful. This is the opposite of sympathetic joy. 

“Sympathetic joy” is a Buddhist term, which is essentially when we find happiness in each other’s happiness. This is especially important for HSPs. Since we absorb other people’s emotions, our joyous experiences can quickly be brought down by others’ negativity. Conversely, our happiness can be heightened when others celebrate with us. Sympathetic joy is also a good indicator of support within the relationship.

4. You respect one another’s boundaries.

Boundaries have become a popular topic of discussion recently, and for good reason — they help to stabilize us and prevent us from becoming burnt out. Because our sensitive nervous systems are more susceptible to overwhelm, HSPs in particular can benefit from setting boundaries. Unfortunately, however, setting boundaries is difficult for most of us, since HSPs are prone to people-pleasing. We are more likely to feel guilt or shame for setting boundaries, and the slightest hint of disappointment or pushback from others can trigger those feelings. 

Therefore, it is vital to have others in our life who are understanding and will respect our boundaries. When we are feeling overwhelmed, frazzled, or depleted and need to recuperate, we need for those close to us to honor and encourage us to listen to our intuition. Likewise, if there is a line we are not willing to cross, such as not wanting to watch horror movies, needing to go to bed by a certain time to ensure adequate sleep for our overstimulated selves, or not overworking, it is critical that others don’t pressure us to abandon our needs.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5. You make room for emotional experiences.

It’s no secret that we HSPs feel our emotions deeply. Unfortunately, this may result in those who do not understand this tendency to accuse us of being “too emotional” or of “overreacting.” Needless to say, this does not feel good. Sensitive people crave deep, meaningful connections, in which our emotional experience(s) will be validated, not criticized. It is important that others in our lives understand that, as an HSP, we are likely to feel our emotions more frequently and more deeply. 

During these vulnerable moments, instead of trying to change our emotional experience (i.e., “It really isn’t that bad! Look on the bright side!”), HSPs need to be supported and affirmed while still having space to feel our feelings (i.e., “I’m so sorry, that sounds really difficult. No wonder why you’re feeling upset. I’m here for you.”).

6. You do nourishing activities together.

Spending quality time together is one of the five love languages. When we spend quality time with someone, we deepen our connection through that shared activity. The key word here is “quality” — staring at your phone isn’t going to cut it. For HSPs, we are geared toward activities that nourish our souls instead of ones that overwhelm our sensitive nervous systems. Therefore, it is essential that others in our life understand this and are willing to go at our pace. 

For instance, most sensitive people would feel overstimulated doing activities such as going to a club or attending a crowded event. Instead, most of us would rather connect by grabbing a beverage at a cute coffee shop, watching a favorite movie together, observing artwork at a quiet museum, or getting out into nature and hiking. Such activities allow us to better be in the moment, rather than becoming frazzled by our environment and the noises and people in it. For HSPs, this also helps promote meaning in our relationships.

7. You fight fairly.

No matter the type of relationship, arguments are bound to occur from time to time. This is not inherently unhealthy; rather, it’s how you argue that matters. HSPs in particular hate conflict, so it’s critical that when arguments do arise, they are handled in a healthy way. 

First, it’s crucial to stay as far away as possible from “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” aptly named to signify the likelihood of relationships ending. The Gottman Institute, prominent experts in relationship dynamics, identifies the Four Horsemen as criticism (i.e., attacking the other person’s character), contempt (i.e., treating the other with spite, meanness, cruelty, and disrespect, all while assuming superiority), defensiveness (i.e., not taking responsibility, always blaming the other person), and stonewalling (i.e., not listening, not responding, and shutting down). 

Additionally, it is also important to use the “I feel” statement correctly. Although many people are familiar with the benefits of using “I feel” statements, they are often used incorrectly. Instead of “I feel [emotion] when you [action]…,” some use “I feel like you…” This puts the onus back on the other person, the opposite of what is recommended, rather than remaining in your own experience. There is a difference between: “I feel sad when you spend that extra time at work because then we don’t get to spend quality time together” versus “I feel like you don’t care about me. I feel like you only care about work.” If “I feel” is followed by “like,” it can be replaced by “I believe,” “I think,” or “it seems” — or it can be eliminated altogether and still leaves a complete sentence. That way, the “I feel” statement is not being used as intended. 

Finally, it is also crucial to remain honest while kind. Since HSPs are intuitive and process our surroundings deeply, we can often tell when someone is withholding information or not being fully honest.

8. You have the ability to compromise.

As much as we would love for everything to go our way all the time, that just isn’t possible. This is where compromise comes in. Compromise is especially helpful in HSP-non-HSP relationships, since the need to do so will likely come up more often. For instance, since HSPs are easily overstimulated, compromises will likely need to be made in terms of environment, such as lighting, temperature, cleanliness, and volume. 

Further, sensitive types will need time to destimulate and recharge our batteries more often than non-HSPs, so this means compromising in terms of the activities we do together, too. For example, we might compromise by agreeing to go to a certain event a non-HSP chooses, but then we’ll need to rest in our HSP sanctuaries the next day.

9. You have common goals.

In order for any relationship to be effective, there needs to be shared common goals. For HSPs, we need to be connected by our common goals to be secure in our relationship. For a romantic partner(s), this will likely include the topics of career, children, finances, and living situation. For friendships, this may look like ensuring you are on the same page of wanting someone to know on a deep level and support each other as opposed to a casual buddy to hang out with. Professionally, there is a reason “future career goals” is such a common job interview question! Aligned goals indicate a better fit, period.

10. You can be your authentic sensitive self.

As HSPs know, our society undervalues and misunderstands sensitivity, so it can be difficult for us to give ourselves permission to truly be ourselves. For our relationships — those we choose to invite in — it is vital that not only is our sensitivity understood, but also that we feel valued as a highly sensitive person. 

It is shaming to hear the message that we are being “too sensitive” and need to change, since this is at the core of who we are. Healthy relationships can be a safe haven for us to be our sensitive selves without inhibition. When we are valued for who we are, this promotes a sense of belonging, and ultimately, well-being and contentment.

My fellow HSPs, what would you add to the list? Feel free to share in the comments below.

You might like:

• 10 Things You Should Know About Being in a Relationship With an HSP
• How to Love a Highly Sensitive Person
• 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner

The post 10 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Sometimes, highly sensitive people (HSPs) don’t even realize they’re more sensitive than others. So when it comes to dating, they may react more strongly to things than their non-HSP partner. They can tear up at a movie (that’s not even a tear-jerker to the majority of others) or a beautiful song lyric just as easily as they can getting reprimanded at work. Or they may get triggered more easily, emotionally, than you do during a disagreement. 

As a result, they may be misunderstood or referred to as “too sensitive.”

But, the truth is, there are many amazing reasons why you should date a highly sensitive person.

Before we get into them, though, let’s first take a look at what it means to be a sensitive soul.

The Science Behind Highly Sensitive People

Although everyone is sensitive to a certain extent, some people are more sensitive than others. In fact, roughly 30 percent of people are born more sensitive than average, both emotionally and physically. (While about 40 percent of people are average in sensitivity, 20 percent are low in sensitivity.) Researchers call this trait environmental sensitivity, or Sensory Processing Sensitivity. And in case you’re wondering — all three levels of environmental sensitivity are considered perfectly healthy and normal.

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So highly sensitive people — also known as HSPs — are those who fall near the high end of the sensitivity continuum. Aside from picking up on subtleties others miss, they’re also very in tune with their environments and can pick up on chemical sensitivity, light sensitivity, you name it. Non-HSPs don’t tend to pick up on these factors as much as highly sensitive people do. 

HSPs also absorb others’ emotions as though they’re their own. If someone’s having a bad day, they’ll feel bad; if someone’s having a great day, they’ll feel great. HSPs are hardwired this way. They’re also known to be deep thinkers and have an amazing sense of intuition.

So you can start to get a sense of how having an HSP partner can be a great asset. Below, I’ll get into more specifics about some of the benefits of dating a highly sensitive person.

7 Benefits of Dating a Highly Sensitive Person

1. They’ll be very in touch with their own emotions, as well as yours.

Compatibility is a key component of dating, right? And doesn’t everyone want someone who’s “emotionally available”?   

Well, because highly sensitive people are very in touch with both their own emotions — as well as others’ — they’ll sense how you’re feeling before you even utter a word. They’ll not only sympathize with you, but empathize with you, which can be a big benefit.

So they’ll be able to comfort you — if you’re in a blah mood, for instance — or share in your joy.

2. They’ll listen to you — really listen — and help you come up with solutions.

You’ve never met as good a listener as the highly sensitive person you’re dating. In part, this is due to the fact that they excel at active listening — not just listening for the sake of listening. They also prefer deep conversations, so if it’s their advice you’re seeking, you’ve come to the right place.

But even if you just need a comforting ear, your HSP can be that, too. (Though their input is usually very thought-out, so you’ll likely want to take it.)

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3. They’re very intuitive and will notice every little detail. 

HSPs are incredibly adept at reading body language, including facial expressions and mannerisms. So even if you aren’t saying a word — like in the point I made above — a highly sensitive person will be able to sense what kind of mood you’re in based on what your body is telling them. 

Similarly, if you try to hide something from an HSP, good luck! Their strong sense of intuition will feel if something’s off. 

4. They’ll take their time getting to know the real you.

While some people may jump right into a relationship, a highly sensitive person will want to take time to get to know the real you. They won’t take any shortcuts.

Let’s say you met on a dating app, for example. Although people’s profiles are full of positive adjectives and accolades, you know there’s more to the person you’re dating than surface-level things. And because you’re a deep thinker, you’ll dig deep into really getting to know them: What makes them light up? What makes them tick? What are their life’s passions?

5. They’re good at talking out conflicts that come up.

Even though highly sensitive people don’t naturally love conflict or criticism — I mean, who does — they’ll do their best to work it out. So while some couples may be passive-aggressive or try to brush issues under the rug, not the HSP you’re dating!  

Plus, since they value deep conversations (see #2), they’ll want to make sure that you have a heart-to-heart about whatever’s going on. And since they are so self-aware, they’ll take accountability for whatever role they played in the matter, too.

6. They value consistency over change.

If you’re looking for a loyal, and consistent, partner, a highly sensitive person is it. Although they can roll with the punches if necessary, they generally don’t love change. Due to all the overstimulation that comes at them all day long — all the sights, sounds, smells, and so on, that impact them more than others — they like having stability in other facets of their life.

Like you. (And their HSP sanctuary when they’re not with you.)

7. They’ll give you time alone to be independent and do your own thing.

While some couples are together 24/7, it’s healthy for people to have interests (and a life) outside of the relationship, too. And highly sensitive people know all about the value of alone time. 

Even if you are under the same roof together hanging out, for instance, HSPs will encourage you to each spend some time on your own. This can mean reading, napping, going for a walk, you name it. 

They need this time to recharge, which will help them be even more present when you’re together again.

HSPs, what would you add to the list? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

You might like:

• Dating Tips for Highly Sensitive People
• 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner
• If You Do These 7 Things, You’re Probably an HSP

The post The 7 Best Things About Dating a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Arguing with your partner is the worst — whether you’re a sensitive person or not. But, for those of us who process emotions at a heightened level, feelings of anger and frustration can completely derail us. When my husband and I disagree, I can’t even focus on the actual topic we’re fighting about. Instead, I get swept away in my husband’s feelings — and my own — and it becomes so overwhelming that I either shut down or just start crying.

It’s not the healthiest form of communication, I know. For one thing, it means the actual topic of disagreement doesn’t get discussed — and even though it can be painful, open discussion about disagreement is absolutely vital to a good relationship. 

Plus, even though I don’t do it intentionally, shutting down or crying shifts the interaction to make it all about me. Instead of asserting his opinions, my husband now has to set his own experience on the back burner in order to find ways to comfort me. 

And let’s be honest, it just sucks to be drawn into the depths of despair any time you disagree with your partner. Disagreement and argument are natural parts of any long-term relationship, and it’s not possible (or advisable) to avoid them forever. But it’s hard to willingly enter into an argument when you know how awful it’s going to make you feel. This can increase anxiety around the argument and make things even worse for a highly sensitive person (HSP).

But here’s the thing: Even though being sensitive can make arguing more difficult, it doesn’t have to be a horrible experience. It is totally possible to survive arguments with your partner without sinking into an emotional pitfall. It just takes conscious effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. So, here are five ways I’ve learned to do just that.

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5 Ways to Fight Better When You’re Sensitive

1. Consider how your sensitivity affects arguments.

Being highly sensitive is a healthy, normal trait. But, the first step toward healthier arguments for an HSP is to consider how your sensitivity impacts the way you and your partner argue. If you grew up being told you were too sensitive — like many HSPs — you may be tempted to feel ashamed of your highly sensitive nature, but it’s important to resist this temptation. Shame leads us nowhere.

Instead, try to acknowledge your sensitivity’s role in your arguments in a non-judgmental way. High sensitivity is another human trait just like any other, and it has both positive and negative impacts on our lives. When it comes to arguing, it can often have a negative impact, and the sooner we understand that, the sooner we can start working with our HSP nature rather than against it.

2. Figure out exactly how your sensitivity affects your arguments.

Once you understand that your high sensitivity impacts the way you argue, take inventory of how. Do you get overwhelmed and lash out? Do you shut down completely? Does every small disagreement bring up intense fears of abandonment that linger with you for days? 

It might help to recall your last argument with your partner and replay it in your mind. Try to pinpoint exactly where your high sensitivity came into play and how it affected you/your partner/the discussion. Fair warning, reliving an argument can bring back some of those negative feelings for HSPs, so go into this with a patient and gentle mindset. You aren’t doing this to place blame on yourself, you’re doing this to improve your life. It may be helpful to write things down as you think, to help keep yourself on track. Maybe doodle a few hearts throughout the page to remind yourself that you are worthy of love.

Keep in mind that the differences in your argument style due to high sensitivity don’t have to be all negative. Personally, I’ve noticed that my high sensitivity makes it much easier for me to understand my partner’s point of view in a matter of minutes, whereas it often takes a full conversation for him to understand where I’m coming from. 

3. Give your partner a “user manual.”

Now you have all this great information about you and how your brain works, but it will only be helpful if your partner knows about it as well. In many ways, by sharing this information, you are giving your partner a “user manual” on how to resolve conflict more easily. 

For instance, if you’ve discovered that you tend to shut down in arguments because you can’t process all the emotional stimulation at once, the two of you can make a plan for what to do about those shutdowns. Maybe it would be helpful to take breaks during arguments to allow you to re-charge and process at your own pace.

Notice that this plan doesn’t require your partner to take responsibility for your emotions — it’s okay to ask your partner for help, of course, but you want to respect their emotional needs as well. Even if their emotions are not as “big” as yours, they’re still important. Perhaps after the break, you’ll both be better able to hear each others’ needs.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. In the heat of an argument, identify your emotions and where they are coming from.

This is incredibly tricky, at least for me. For a long time, I was taught to ignore my emotions, and not pay any extra attention to them, but one of the best ways to prevent your emotions from taking over your consciousness is to keep an eye on what they’re doing.

As an HSP, my emotions are rarely purely my own. I tend to absorb the emotions of those around me, and if I’m not careful, they can derail my own emotional experience. This can make arguments absolutely miserable because I’m juggling both my own frustration and my partner’s. 

One way to combat this is to sift through my emotions as I feel them. Sometimes this requires me to explain out loud what’s happening inside my head — but that can be a good thing. 

Imagine taking a moment to say something like, “I feel angry and upset, and I think some of that is coming from you rather than from me, and it’s making it hard for me to focus on what we’re actually talking about.” This lets your partner know where you are emotionally, and it might be a good signal that it’s time to take a break. It can feel a bit forced and awkward at first, but I have found that it makes my disagreements with my husband so much easier for me to handle. 

5. Ask for the support you need.

Okay, you’ve done all the personal work, and that’s absolutely amazing, but you don’t have to do this alone. After all, arguments are a two-way street, and chances are, your partner could benefit from some introspection about their own arguing habits as well. HSPs aren’t the only ones with communication quirks, after all. That’s just part of being human.

Ask your partner if they’re willing to discuss adjustments they could make to their argument style that would help you function better in an argument. Over the last 8 years, my husband and I have come up with several adjustments on my husband’s part that make the argument easier on my HSP heart — without repressing or invalidating his own emotions.

For one, my husband has become very good at noticing when I’m panicking and shutting down, and suggests we take a break when he sees this. This gives me time to settle down and take my body out of fight, flight, or freeze mode. 

Likewise, my husband frequently makes gentle physical contact throughout an argument, like reaching out for my hand or rubbing my back. These loving gestures are absolutely essential to reminding me that this argument is just that: an argument, not marriage-ending abandonment. 

He has also started sharing his thought processes about the argument as we argue, like I described in #4. As an HSP, it’s helpful for me to identify and share my emotions, but it’s also crucial for my husband to make those same insights into himself and share them with me. When both of us discuss our feelings about how the argument is going, we become more respectful and understanding of each other.

HSP, what is arguing like for you? How do you deal with it? Let me know in the comments below.

A version of this article has been previously published on the author’s blog, Megan Writes Everything.

You might like:

• How to Love a Highly Sensitive Person
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect?
• Do You Cry Easily? You Might Be a Highly Sensitive Person

The post How to Survive a Fight With Your Partner When You’re the Sensitive One appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Compassionate. Intense. Thoughtful. These are just some of the adjectives that describe highly sensitive people (HSPs), the 15-20 percent of the population who live with life turned up more than everyone else.

Why? According to Dr. Elaine Aron, researcher and author of The Highly Sensitive Person, HSPs are born with a unique, finely tuned nervous system that processes stimulation deeply. From sights to sounds to other people’s emotions, HSPs see, feel, and experience it all on a somewhat more intense level than others.

And if you’re like me, all that deep processing means you sometimes feel “crazy,” weird, or broken. For example, “little” things that don’t bother other people — like the repetitive ticking of a clock or a loud, crowded restaurant — can acutely irritate, frazzle, or even overwhelm you.

In a similar manner, other people’s words have a bigger impact. Some days, without meaning to, your significant other’s offhand comment becomes an EF5 tornado that ruins your afternoon. On the flip side, HSPs feel positive experiences deeply, so praise or words of affection can be a hot air balloon that lifts you to the sun.

It’s true: Being an HSP sometimes feels like a blessing, but other times, a curse. Thankfully, there are ways to manage the overwhelm you may feel, and tap into your HSP strengths.

If you’re in a relationship with one of the world’s deep feelers, thinkers, and processors, here’s what you should know — and how to show your love.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

How to Love a Highly Sensitive Person

1. Speak words that lift us up, not drag us down.

As I’ve already mentioned, words really matter to HSPs. We process them deeply, just like everything else. It’s no wonder many HSPs have a natural gift with language; they’re among the world’s most celebrated musicians, poets, and writers.

Take, for example, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand, Mozart, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Virginia Wolf, E.E. Cummings, Robert Frost, and many more. All are thought to be HSPs.

Nobody likes to be criticized, but it can be especially painful for HSPs. Even more so when they come from our partner, harsh words and negativity cut right to the heart and lodge there. Tone of voice matters. Connotation matters. Body posture matters.

Of course, I’m not suggesting you walk on eggshells around HSPs, nor am I saying you shouldn’t speak your mind. But please use loving words whenever possible, and avoid pointed teasing, anger as a weapon, and negativity.

Want to make us really feel loved? Speak the words that help us flourish: Praise us when we’ve done something great. Reminisce with us about a special time together. Describe how beautiful (handsome) we look today.

2. Check in on us.

HSPs may not always say when they’re hurting. Some of us have a tendency to bottle up our emotions, or turn the blame in on ourselves. It’s not something we’re proud of, and rest assured that we’re working on it. Other times, we just don’t want to spread the stress or drama around. After all, we know — from firsthand experience — that emotions can catch as easily as the common cold.

Plus, as HSPs tend to be highly conscientious, we’re acutely aware of inconveniencing or burdening others. So if we’re a little quieter or more distant than usual, don’t brush it off. Check in on us. Ask us how we’re doing. It will mean the world to us that you’ve noticed.

3. Indulge our senses.

No, we don’t posses supersonic hearing like Superman, but essentially, our five physical senses are “turned up.” That means we can get great enjoyment from physical pleasures. Each HSP will have their own tastes, so take the time to figure out what does it for yours. A fine meal, a love song from the soul, rich dark chocolate, anything of wonder or beauty or intellect — to us, these are meaning and love and all things good. Don’t get unnerved if there are tears.

4. Check your vibes.

Generally perceptive and observant, HSPs will notice little details about people. Sometimes we even feel what others feel, literally taking on other people’s moods or mental states as our own.

In other words, if you come home stressed, pacing and venting, slamming doors and sulking, we will soon feel stressed, too. If you are positive and resilient in the face of difficulty, we will feel braver ourselves. Almost everyone, HSP or not, experiences this on some level (remember how emotions catch?), but for HSPs, it can be even more intense. So be aware of your vibes.

5. Yes to hugs, kisses, and physical touch.

But do it gently and with consent! According to Dr. Aron, HSPs can feel physical sensations (including pain) deeper than others, so certain “typical” forms of affection or love-making may be too intense for us. (On the flip side, good touch may feel extra good).

And some HSPs just don’t feel comfortable being touched in certain places. For example, my partner often wants to rest his hand on my leg as he’s falling asleep, but for me, it’s too stimulating and distracting, barring me from sleep.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. Respect our limits.

There will be things that don’t make sense to you. You may not understand why we burst into tears while watching an ad or why we need to leave the loud, crowded party RIGHT NOW. Or why sleep is so damn important to our mental health and wellbeing (personally, I can’t even function without a full night of it), or why “little” things sometimes become such a big deal.

Do your best to not take it personally, and please try to understand that our limits may be very different from yours. That doesn’t make them wrong.

7. Show us that you notice us.

An HSP will notice when your mood suddenly changes, or if you just didn’t sleep well last night. An HSP will see that leg pain you’re trying to hide, or when stress is piling up. We may say something about it, or perhaps just silently try to make your load a little easier today (with the kids, with chores, or whatever).

But too often, HSPs feel like others don’t return the favor. We’re often left wishing that others could see our needs and emotions as easily as we see theirs.

No, I’m not asking you to be a mind-reader; that’s impossible. Ultimately, it’s our responsibility to speak up for ourselves. It’s on each of us to advocate for our own needs, HSP or not.

Many HSPs will tell you they simply desire to be seen and heard. We know you may never be as attuned to “little” things as we are. That’s okay, because we love you as you are — that’s why we chose you.

We just ask that you try. A little goes a long way. Try to notice your HSP the way he or she notices you.

HSPs, what would you add to this list? Let me know in the comments below.

You might like:

• Why My Marriage Ended: An HSP’s Story
• Why HSPs Hate Busy Schedules and Feeling Rushed
• For HSPs, Compassion Fatigue Is All Too Real

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The post How to Love a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Here are some of the challenges I’ve experienced as an HSP in a romantic relationship with a non-HSP, plus some tips I’ve learned about how to deal with these issues.

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The Challenges of the HSP and Non-HSP Relationship

First, it should be stated that my partner is not just any non-HSP. It seems as though I’ve found the man with the loudest voice and fiercest personality. We’ve been together many years, and it should have gotten easier over time. Yet it’s only been in recent months, upon my discovery of the HSP trait, that I’m beginning to get somewhere. Finally, I’m not putting the blame and unreasonable expectation for change on myself each time the nuances of my trait clash with the general expectations of society.

Perhaps any partner who isn’t an HSP may appear to have a fierce personality to the HSP in love with them. Voices are loud and yours is not, therefore you get spoken over thousands of times in the course of your relationship — during gatherings with mutual friends or even just in deep conversation with one another. You may avoid employing the boldness needed to object, so you come across as being someone with little to add, or at least fear such an assumption.

However, this tendency doesn’t equate to weakness. It’s merely a reflection of your innate (and completely understandable) desire to control the rate with which you exert your energy.

Your partner’s choice in music may seem abrasive to you, and you marvel at how they have zero qualms about putting it on — loudly — for the entire household to hear when there’s been no prior discussion or agreement. Conversely, when in your partner’s company, you yourself may neglect to put on the music that you really want to listen to. You may fear being a burden, or that their presence will detract from the pure bliss and auditory beauty you experience when indulging in “your” music alone.

Another thing — you feel the impact of words, whether brutally negative, amazingly positive, or anywhere in between. If you’re in love with a casually negative non-HSP, you may have no choice but to listen to flippant comments about their life and the people and events in it. You feel the effect of these words, even if they’re not directed at you, and your high empathy may cause you to flinch and wonder if the comment was really worth the energy it took to proclaim it.

This isn’t your battle, however, and often it does more harm than good calling the person out on it. It can help to try to let such comments roll off your back, disallowing them to penetrate your layers of emotion.

When the comments are directed at you, however, this may be a very different story indeed. This is when the HSP can get substantially hurt; when the relationship is forced to endure the unavoidable burden of conflict, the HSP’s system can cop a real beating. Whoever said, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me” was obviously not an HSP.

When it comes to socializing, the non-HSP may have difficulty understanding your reluctance. Your partner may push you into social interactions when you’d otherwise avoid them. But this often comes from a good place. They’re likely worried that you’ll become reclusive or isolated. For me, this push often results in a favorable outcome; enjoyable events, conversations, and encounters may be experienced as a direct result of their insistence — even if you do have to dedicate extra “me time” afterward to recuperate.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

How I’ve Learned to Thrive

Thankfully, there are ways around these dilemmas. If you’re reading this, and are aware of your HSP trait, you’ve already come so far by simply arming yourself with information. Trust me when I say you no longer need to ask yourself to “get a thicker skin” or force abrasiveness when you’d prefer subtlety.

How have I dealt with the challenges of the HSP/non-HSP relationship? Here are four tips:

1. It’s worth it to make the time and space for yourself to enjoy your music and other art forms.

If your partner simply can’t understand why you don’t want their music to be so loud, it’s time you carefully (and lovingly) explained your trait of high sensitivity, if you haven’t already. Here are some tips to help you do that.

2. During conflict, consider asking for a “time-out” to gather your thoughts.

If it’s an ongoing conflict, write a letter in your own time and space describing your thoughts and feelings.

3. Attend social gatherings when you can find the space in your soul.

We are social creatures (even us highly sensitive introverts!). We benefit greatly from creating meaningful bonds with others. But find balance. If your partner is coercing you to go out every other night, this will take a toll on your system, unless you can find substantial downtime in between to refill your cup.

4. Although you’ll have to make compromises, remember that there is much to enjoy about the HSP/non-HSP union.

In addition to having someone who can go inside the busy shopping center to pick up your dinner while you wait in the solitude of the car, you can also bring one another balance. And HSPs are graced with the gift of seeing the sheer beauty in everyday sights and experiences which may otherwise pass non-HSPs by. Conversely, your non-HSP partner can help expose you to a wider glimpse of the world through their unreservedness.

Your sensitivity truly is a superpower, one that your soul mate can also benefit from greatly. The first step is to educate your partner (and yourself!) about your trait. When you do that, and each of you approaches the relationship with mutual respect and understanding, your union can become a joy in both of your lives.

You might like:

• How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions
• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• How to Explain High Sensitivity to People Who Don’t ‘Get’ It

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The post Can an HSP Be Happy in a Relationship with a Non-HSP? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are greatly in tune with everything from their environments to their bodies. Compared to non-HSPs, they are acutely aware of things like how sugar affects them, their caffeine and alcohol limits, how much sleep they require (hint: more than non-HSPs), and when they need a break to destress. This sensitivity can make it difficult for others to understand us, especially if friends and loved ones are less aware of subtle shifts in their own bodies. 

And sex is no exception.

Sexual intimacy is an important part of connection for many HSPs. But it’s also different from those who are not highly sensitive. Here are some of the main distinctions to underline, whether you’re an HSP yourself or in a relationship with someone who is highly sensitive.

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10 Ways Sex Is Different for Highly Sensitive People

1. HSPs prefer love and commitment with their intimacy.

HSPs, especially highly sensitive women, often prefer a committed relationship before getting too physical. In many cases, they wait until they love their partner. 

A sensitive person might have trouble jumping into a sexual relationship that doesn’t have a strong emotional connection. According to the results of a survey done by Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, HSP women said they didn’t enjoy sex as much with someone unless they loved them. 

Of course, everyone is different, and that doesn’t mean highly sensitive people can’t have casual sex. But what we know so far has shown us that HSPs tend to need an emotional bond with their partners to truly relax and feel safe in the experience.

2. We might avoid sex due to overarousal.

Even if an HSP enjoys sex, they often need to be in the right headspace to initiate or agree to it. 

Highly sensitive humans are overstimulated in many ways throughout the day. By the time we’ve handled work stress, dealt with work traffic, done household chores, planned out dinner, and been exposed to tons of daily life stimuli, engaging in sexual activities might feel like way too much. 

If you’re an HSP who has had a particularly stressful or busy day, the act of making love might not seem appealing. HSPs might prefer cuddling or watching a good Netflix show (actual “Netflix-and-chilling”) over sex, the latter of which can feel like a rollercoaster on a busy or emotional day.

And the day might not seem “busy” compared to normal standards. HSPs have overactive minds, and we can become exhausted just from processing social interactions or being around too much noise. Many HSPs view sex as wonderful and even magical — we just need time and space to get in the right mood.

3. When HSPs are in the mood, subtle cues are best.

Research shows HSPs have higher positive emotional reactivity than non-HSPs. We experience positive emotions intensely, including the feelings and emotions associated with arousal. 

If touch is too rough or their partner comes on too strong, HSPs may shut down rather than stay engaged. The sudden flip can be frustrating until both parties learn that more is not always better. (Communication is key!)

Small suggestions (rather than strong, explicit cues) turn an HSP on — such as from a gentle touch, a compliment, or a smile from across the room. When a partner knows this, it can make sex — and the moments leading up to it — incredible for both the sensitive person and their partner.

4. The difference between pleasure and pain is a fine line.

HSPs experience everything more intensely than non-HSPs. If something doesn’t feel quite right, it can become painful or uncomfortable. Sensitive people might need to be more communicative with their partners to note sudden or overwhelming feelings. This is just another reason that HSPs might prefer sex with someone they love — because love (hopefully) comes with trust and being comfortable enough to share openly.

HSPs might also worry about expressing when something becomes painful. Maybe they think they shouldn’t be overwhelmed or can tell their partner is enjoying the experience and don’t want to interrupt it. However, this is also why HSPs need partners who listen and can be sensitive to their unique needs.

5. Transitions are so important.

A recent study suggested HSP brains feel things deeply, even “at rest,” after emotionally stimulating experiences. It takes us more time to get back into normal life after something that has us feeling all sorts of ways. 

In the same way, after sex, we might need time to appreciate the moment before we move into the rest of the day (or night). For some, that might mean cuddling or speaking softly with your partner, or just lying quietly.

And that goes the other way, too. HSPs can rarely jump right into something stimulating without proper transitions. Sex might feel like a mountain to climb unless there is a buildup — like time to get in the mood. Telling your partner this can help, as well. For some people, that might mean planning for sex on a specific day or time when you don’t have too much going on before or after. While it might not sound that sexy, the waiting can actually be exciting for both parties! (Plus, it can help reduce overwhelm for us HSPs.)

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. HSPs are sensitive to their partner’s sexual needs.

Research shows that HSPs are often very empathetic because they’re highly in tune with others’ emotions, and that extends to the bedroom. A sensitive person wants their partner to have a good time, and they might avoid sharing their own needs — or discomfort — to make the other person happy.

HSPs pick up on subtleties, like body language, even in bed, and they often know if someone is uncomfortable or not feeling the situation. They might even pick up on cues before their partner is sure what they need. This can make sensitive people very attentive and caring lovers. At the same time, sensitive souls might need to voice their own needs more, especially at the beginning of a relationship, if their partner is less intuitive.

“For HSPs, communication becomes a big part of the emotional connection and intimacy with enjoyable sex,” Dr. Aprile Andelle, a licensed marriage and family therapist who has worked with HSP clients, tells me. “So, sexy talk with a partner, and being open and honest about what you do or do not enjoy, will be a plus.”

7. Variety is not always necessary.

According to Dr. Aron, HSPs “find sex to be more mysterious and powerful than non-HSPs.” At the same time, they prefer routine when it comes to their sex lives. They’re already enchanted enough by the sexual connection and might not feel the need to “complicate” things.

Also, sensitive souls often prefer to take it slow and build up to pleasure. While media might portray great sex as intense with over-the-top orgasms, HSPs may get more fulfillment from subtle movements and slow and steady paces. Too much, too fast can even hurt or have the opposite effect.

8. Distraction might derail things.

Sounds, sights, or even thoughts that creep into the situation might distract an HSP from sex.

If they’re worried about a social interaction earlier in the day, they hear the neighbor mowing the lawn outside, the sheets are too scratchy, there’s too much light (or not enough), etc., it can make it difficult to stay in the mood and enjoy the moment. 

“As an HSP, it’s 100 percent okay to take initiative with sex and ‘set the scene’ of the environment, such as lighting, music, and aesthetics, to manage stimuli,” says Dr. Andelle. 

Partners of HSPs might also use this fact to help set the mood! Ask the HSP what they like (and don’t like), and have fun preparing the perfect conditions. After all, environment is so important to HSPs and can really have an impact on their mood and comfort levels.

9. Overstimulation? No, thanks. Slow and steady is best.

Sensitive people of any gender, including HSP men, can easily become overstimulated. As a result, highly sensitive people might need to stop if they become overly overstimulated during sex and can’t enjoy the moment. 

“HSPs are more likely to focus better on arousal with ‘slow down sex’ rather than quickies, where each party takes their time with touch and sensation,” says Dr. Andelle. So, HSPs, slow and steady is often the place to start.

10. That post-sex emotional hangover…

Even good experiences can feel like a lot for HSPs.

Studies have shown that both males and females experience what’s known as postcoital dysphoria (PCD), or crying, after sex. HSPs tend to cry more easily in general, so if they have intense emotions after a lovemaking session, the experience is completely normal. They might have a strong emotional reaction because they’re happy, satisfied, or just overwhelmed with the whole thing. (This is just another reason we sensitive types need time to decompress from the experience before getting back to life.)

HSPs’ Empathetic Natures Can Make Them Great Sexual Partners

Sex can still feel like a taboo topic, but it’s an important one to talk about, especially concerning HSPs, because our experiences can be different from the norm. Pleasure, preferences, and desires can be complex and exciting for everyone. And for sensitive people, there can be even more layers to what works best. 

But HSPs can (and deserve to!) enjoy sex just like everyone else, and our empathetic natures can make us great lovers. We often just need partners who understand our needs, our concerns, and the need for communication about our differences. 

You might like:

• 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner
• How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 19 Ways Being a Highly Sensitive Person Affects Your Love Life

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 10 Ways Sex Is Different for Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Growing up as a highly sensitive person (HSP) was never easy. Overstimulated, overthinking, an overdose of feelings — I was used to feeling like I was “too much.” And I started to notice that these patterns would sneak into my relationships, especially romantic ones. 

I always felt like I needed to be someone else in order to be loved and accepted by my partner. Despite being with a loving and supportive partner for three years now, I am still struggling with intrusive and obsessive thoughts, moments of overwhelming doubts, and a hyper-awareness of everything he does and everything I feel.

I used to believe that there was something deeply wrong with me… until I stumbled upon the term “relationship anxiety.”

Wait… What Is ‘Relationship Anxiety’?

Every single one of us, HSP or not, experiences doubts, boredom, or moments of anxiety in our relationships. Romantic partnerships are not like the ones Hollywood had fed us, and it is totally normal to not always feel in love, not always want to have sex, or to question our relationships. It is actually good to have these moments — to grow together, learn about ourselves and our other half, and deepen the relationship.

But relationship anxiety is about a disordered way of experiencing these moments. It is a coping mechanism, like anxiety, aiming to protect us. However, it translates into constantly obsessing about our relationship and/or falling into compulsions (like seeking reassurance every day or googling things like, “Is he ‘The One?’”).

It is about asking our loved ones if our partner is good for us or nitpicking every little detail about our relationship. It is doubting ourselves first, and our relationship second, despite being in a healthy, supportive, accepting, and loving partnership. And, as highly sensitive souls, we can be more vulnerable to relationship anxiety since we feel things so deeply and tend to overthink things, too. Here are some reasons as to why I think this is the case.

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5 Reasons Why Highly Sensitive People Are More Prone to Relationship Anxiety

1. They’re afraid of being rejected. 

HSPs often grow up feeling different, as though they have a disorder (which they don’t). “I am not normal” and “There is something wrong with me” are both recurrent thoughts for a highly sensitive person. We often feel disconnected to others, especially when we are young and grow up being told we need to “toughen up” instead of learning to embrace our sensitivity. 

As adults, as relationship anxiety finds its roots in the fear of being abandoned, we want to be certain that our partner will not leave us. Therefore, we want to constantly make sure that everything is perfect, from our feelings to the way our partner acts. Because perfection means happiness, and happiness means our partner will not abandon us. (That’s how the mind of someone with relationship anxiety thinks.)  

2. They are very in touch with their feelings — and it gets overwhelming.

HSPs feel everything, all the time, from excitement to boredom to nostalgia. And we all know that relationships are a roller coaster of emotions. When we feel happy and excited, we associate it with the relationship being “good.” But when we feel sad, anxious, or unsure, we automatically think that there is no love anymore. And it makes us even more sad, anxious, or unsure.

3. They are dreamers and idealists.

We have been raised in a culture where Hollywood’s happy endings and Disney’s fairy tales were often our first exposure to romantic relationships. As an HSP, we are more prone to have big expectations — because we want the reality to match our beliefs. 

But the thing is, big expectations lead to big disappointments. And big disappointments lead to even bigger anxious thoughts, like “This must mean that this relationship is wrong” or “If I do not reenact The Notebook on a daily basis, I am not in love with my partner.”

4. They are all-or-nothing people.

When you have relationship anxiety as an HSP, it is either, “ love you and you are my soulmate” or “I feel nothing when looking at you; it must mean that we are not meant for each other.” And this black-or-white thinking can cause a lot of anxiety.

5. They need more time alone.

Romantic relationships are often associated with connection, intimacy, and intense passion. However, as an HSP, we get overwhelmed easily and need more alone time and space to charge our batteries. 

But it can feel awkward to feel that — is there something “wrong” with us (or the relationship) just because we need alone time? Other couples seem to spend all their time together… So it can bring up feelings of guilt and the usual heart-breaking question, “Am I normal?” (Yes, you are, by the way!)

If you recognize yourself in any of the above points: Don’t worry! Relationship anxiety is a way to (subconsciously) protect yourself from past traumas, attachments, wounds ,and/or childhood pain. It can be helpful to seek therapy or talk to someone who understands and loves you.

If you are not a fan of therapy, or can’t afford it, but also want to do some things on your own, here are some tips to help you deal — and heal — from your relationship anxiety.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6 Ways to Deal With Relationship Anxiety

1. Talk to your partner.

I get it. Communicating your feelings and being vulnerable can be hard, especially when you have been used to people judging you or making you feel lonely. But your partner is your teammate, and if you want it to work, explaining to them what you need, want, and have been through can be really relieving.

If it is hard for you to talk face-to-face, why not write them a letter? A song? A poem? Basically, express yourself with your preferred creative form to make them listen and understand — or at least to open the dialogue for you to then talk about it in person. Plus, that way, you can see each other’s body language, too, which is equally as important as verbal communication.

2. Practice self-compassion.

The thing is, the most important loving relationship you can build is with yourself. That does not mean that you need to be alone until you fully love yourself. Being in a relationship can be a great way to learn about your needs, your wounds, and your qualities. But practicing self-love and self-compassion can help you deconstruct the false beliefs about yourself — that you are not normal or that you do not deserve to be loved; you do.

To connect with yourself in a loving manner, you can practice mindfulness, reciting daily positive affirmations, journaling, spending time in nature, and doing things you love.

3. Surround yourself with people who make you feel loved.

Relationship anxiety is rooted in the fear of rejection and abandonment. And as much as your partner can make you feel understood, loved, and accepted, you also need a fulfilling ecosystem around you, with friends, colleagues, and family members who make you feel as though you are deserving of this unconditional love.

Also, remember that your partner cannot fulfill all your needs, so having a night in with your best friend(s) is totally recommended! 

4. Remember that relationships are a great means to learn and grow.

Romantic relationships can be hard, but when they are healthy, loving, and accepting, they can make us learn about our patterns and grow into a better version of ourselves. This means accepting that your partner will sometimes push your buttons and you will feel hurt — but see it as an opportunity to understand why you are reacting a certain way; it will make you grow. 

By the way, I am not talking about abusive relationships here, including with someone who is a narcissist or is gaslighting you.

5. Try leaning into the gray area of things. 

Remember when I mentioned black-and-white thinking? Well, the best way to change this pattern of all-or-nothing thinking is to notice that, sometimes, two things can coexist. You can feel both bored with and love your partner. You can want to spend time alone and miss your partner. Your partner can be not as sensitive as you are and still be a good match for you. And so on… 

6. Practice being okay with spending time alone.

There is nothing wrong with needing to unwind and disconnecting from your partner for a few days and spending time with yourself instead. In fact, it’s healthy! It will also help you two reconnect more afterward. Just remember to talk to your partner, so that they do not freak out about you going MIA!

And remember that there is nothing wrong with having our own space, our own hobbies, and our own interpersonal relationships outside our partnership. On the contrary, this is more than healthy!

Being a highly sensitive person is a gift, and being with a partner who tries their best to learn and grow by your side is sometimes all we need. Relationship anxiety can be healed. But in the meantime, the important thing to remember is to be patient with yourself. After all, you are your biggest ally.

You might like:

• 10 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship as an HSP
• 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner
• These 2 Traits Can Make HSPs (Almost) Immune to Narcissists

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