Growing up, I loved fairy tales. There was just something special about hearing “and they lived happily ever after” that always put a huge smile on my face. When I got married, there was a little girl in me still wishing for that “happily ever after.” I mean, being happily married is the ultimate goal in marriage… right?

During my 15-year marriage, my goal has shifted from solely happiness in marriage to actual healthiness in marriage. Such a large emphasis is placed on the various social benefits of marriage — comradery, companionship, and coupling, for example — that sometimes the health benefits of marriage are overlooked. In fact, according to WebMD, marriage is not only good for your emotional health, but for your physical health, as well. Although I wish I could just wriggle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and magically source my marriage into health and happiness, that is just not possible.

Fifteen years of mountaintops, valleys, and plateaus have all taught me that maintaining a balanced homeostasis within marriage is a goal my husband and I must continuously work toward. There have been times where our marriage has felt much more like a battlefield than an oasis, and it is in these times that my highly sensitive mind and heart have earned their “battle-tested” accolades. It’s been in these times that our marriage has tested the bounds of both happiness and health.

Before we can understand how to improve a marriage — or any type of romantic partnership — as a highly sensitive person (HSP), it’s important to understand what being highly sensitive even means in the first place.

What Is Sensitivity?

If you’re “sensitive,” it’s not what most people think it is. Instead of being seen as a weakness — which is a falsehood — being sensitive is a healthy personality trait, a core part of our being. We can’t change it even if we tried. This means that everyone is sensitive to some level, yet some people are more sensitive than others. In fact, highly sensitive people make up nearly 30 percent of the population, which means almost 1 in 3 people are more sensitive. By this, we mean both physically (to stimuli such as lights, textures, sounds, and temperature) and emotionally (to the words, feelings, facial expressions, and social cues of those around them). 

The sensitivity trait is associated with many strengths and superpowers: we all know a sensitive artist (highly sensitive types tend to be creative) and those who are empathic more than most (they feel your pain as much as you do). Plus, sensitive souls tend to be deep thinkers, have a lot of emotional depth, pay much attention to detail, and an intuitive gift for making connections and witnessing moments that other people miss. Collectively, all these qualities make up a different definition of “sensitive” than you may be used to. Sensitives are anything but weak; they’re strong, gifted, and thoughtful.

Within a marriage, highly sensitive people bring a lot of positive qualities to the relationship. But how, exactly, does sensitivity apply in a marriage? Read on to find out.

Understanding My Sensitivity and How It Can Benefit My Marriage

As a highly sensitive person, I’ve always taken my marriage very seriously and have actively sought to improve the quality of it. I’ve spent hours researching resources available to HSPs to aid in understanding how to improve the quality of our marriages and to be better spouses. I’ve literally studied how to be married.

Due in large part to our love of deep connections, our empathetic nature, and our pervasive conscientiousness, HSPs inherently demonstrate key characteristics vital to maintaining successful relationships, especially long-term ones, such as marriage. Sometimes, however, these same attributes can overwhelm a person who doesn’t identify as highly sensitive (like my husband). This is why it is important for both parties to take proper care to understand and accept their partner and their needs. A collective effort is necessary to provide a fertile environment in order for marriages to flourish.

Yes, sensitive types have a tendency to place the needs and comfort of others before our own. Though I have come to embrace this sensitivity personality trait as a superpower, like most superpowers, there is a catch: putting others before myself can act as my kryptonite, becoming a source of angst and/or resentment. 

Being highly sensitive, I am constantly prioritizing my spouse’s needs at the expense of neglecting my own. This sometimes causes me to miss some of the classic signals of HSP burnout. There are times when I have begun to feel overlooked, neglected, and taken for granted, pouring out of my highly sensitive love bucket without feeling as though I was receiving a reciprocal effort. Without addressing these feelings, my husband and I have found ourselves in a vicious cycle that in no way benefits our marriage. 

In order to aid in building strong and long-standing marriages — and to help us to avoid experiencing burnout — HSPs must enlist the use of various tools and strategies (especially if you are in a relationship with a non-HSP). We must actively identify areas that need individual attention, and also those areas that we must enlist the help of our partners to improve. 

I’ve discovered four key strategies that have served as “relationship fertilizer,” adding tremendously to the continued growth and strength of my marriage. Whether you are a highly sensitive person, or you are married to one, perhaps you will find these tips beneficial as you seek to improve your marriage. It is my fervent hope that you will be able to implement some — or all — of them as you seek to strengthen, grow, and fortify your marriage relationship, as well. 

4 Ways to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

1. You must have honest and open communication 

Honesty provides a solid and reliable foundation for successful relationships. Highly sensitive types need to be in relationships in which honesty is the rule, not the exception. HSPs crave honest and heartfelt conversations. To that end, it is vital that we are safe to communicate things that we like and dislike, as well as those things that trigger certain emotions and responses in our partners. 

I recognize that being married to a highly sensitive person can, at times, be delicate for a non-sensitive person. Unaware of what to say, how to say it, or even when to broach certain conversations can add to tension and strife within marriages. The dynamic between the HSP, who wants nothing more than to connect with their partner by expressing their deepest selves, and the non-HSP partner, who is unaware of exactly how to broach certain conversations, can be somewhat tricky. However, navigating this dynamic is not impossible.

We sensitive people need to be heard, but, more importantly, understood. Here are a few strategies that can be employed to further fruitful dialogue between HSP and their spouses:

• Respect that both parties have different opinions, and that the goal is not necessarily agreement, but understanding 
• Read the body language of one another so you can gauge the temperature of the exchange and determine how to best proceed
• Avoid invalidating one another’s emotions
• Schedule time to talk about hard conversations; sometimes we must respect the idea that “now is not a good time”

These four strategies can help create an environment that will benefit both of you, and may offer the opportunity to delve into more difficult, but necessary, conversations. Remember: Marriage is a team endeavor — you are both working toward the same goals with one another, and not against one another.

2. Be willing to enlist the help of a professional

There may be times that the previously discussed strategies will not work. Perhaps the more sensitive partner is still unable or uncomfortable tackling the tough issues with their spouses. Or maybe they have difficulty pinpointing the exact issues that need to be addressed (an already frustrating event in our highly sensitive minds, as we have likely spent endless hours overthinking the situation). In moments like this, it is sometimes beneficial to enlist the help of a professional: a therapist or trained marriage counselor. They can:

• Act as an unbiased third party, giving honest feedback to both spouses
• Identify relationship roadblocks before they become too daunting to effectively maneuver
• Help find ways to increase the intimate connection between you and your partner
• Offer a safe space for spouses to further educate themselves about one another in a judgment-free zone

I sometimes make the unfair assumption that my husband automatically understands how my highly sensitive mind and heart work, since we have been married for so long. I’ve been guilty of placing unfair expectations on him, tasking him with reading my mind and understanding the meanings behind my words, rather than the words themselves. 

When we have found ourselves unable to communicate our truest feelings to one another, we have turned to the professional guidance of our marriage counselor. Something that we have found to be key in counseling has been the education we have both gained surrounding highly sensitive people in marriage. Even identifying as an HSP, there are still those critical moments when I cannot fully conceptualize or explain the “me” of things. Counseling not only offers me the opportunity to dig deeper into this understanding, but to do so with my husband by my side gaining understanding, as well. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

3. Be willing to continue to educate yourself

Marriage counseling provides an invaluable educational opportunity for couples. Even still, in order to continue to improve our marriages, sensitive people must be willing to enroll in “Maintaining Marriage 101: a life-long continuing education course in marriage.” (Yes, I made that up). Spouses who love their highly sensitive partners invest time and effort into understanding our needs. HSPs think deeply, feel intuitively, and are highly observant, and we are willing to do the work to help to insure the longevity of our marriages and to meet our partners where they are, as well. Learning about one another is vital. The more we know together, the more we are able to grow together.

As a sensitive person, I am always seeking to connect deeper with my husband. Some things that have proven valuable in intensifying our connection have been:  

• Carving out date nights for just the two of us to disconnect from everything except one another 
• Celebrating and respecting one another’s individuality by embracing the differences each of our personalities brings to the marriage
• Identifying mutual interests that we can enjoy as a married couple
• Honoring one another’s space and autonomy by allowing for times to recharge so that time spent together can be fully enjoyed

Regularly incorporating these practices into our marriage has allowed me to view it as a safe and welcome space. An added bonus has been that this space contributes to my highly sensitive superpower of enjoying deep connections within my most intimate relationship. 

4. Establish both individual boundaries and marital boundaries

Boundaries are fundamental in allowing both parties in a marriage to thrive both as individuals and as a part of the marital team. HSPs sometimes find boundary-setting difficult, due to the importance we place on other people’s feelings and needs. 

As a sensitive soul, I often have to remind myself that boundaries are not negative. Let me say that again: boundaries are not negative. In fact, boundaries are necessary and take a lot of the guess-work out of relational expectations. Healthy boundaries aren’t set to benefit one person at the expense of another; rather, they consider each party’s rights and dignities. 

Once I had a better understanding of how boundaries could benefit my marriage, I became more aware of those areas around which I needed to set boundaries for myself, and those I felt were important to protect my marriage. Keep in mind: boundaries are not a one-size-fits-all idea. There are, however, some general considerations you can make when establishing personal and marital boundaries. For instance:

• Make sure each boundary’s purpose is to better the relationship
• Acknowledge that the boundaries aren’t being put in place to be rigid and harsh, but rather to protect and provide structure
• Respect both parties’ individual rights and needs — neither more than the other
• Embrace the differences in one another’s feelings, and aim to never, ever invalidate what is important to one another

I once read that, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” Writer Robert A. Heinlein is behind that quote and, as an HSP, this rings especially true. My goal within my marriage is to contribute to an environment that helps to plant seeds of happiness, love, and deep connection. By intentionally practicing behaviors aimed to improve our relationship, my goal is to harvest a marital garden that reaps good fruit, while tilling the soil and pulling out the bad weeds. It’s in this “garden of love” that I am sure “happily ever after” continues to grow, season after season. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 7 Keys to a Happy, Thriving Marriage with a Highly Sensitive Person
• The Challenges of Being an HSP in a Relationship With a Non-HSP
• My High Sensitivity Saved My Marriage. But First, It Almost Ruined It.

The post How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

For a lot of people, the idea of moving brings with it promises of new beginnings, new adventures, and new opportunities. And while all of these are arguably true, for the nearly 30 percent of the population who identify as highly sensitive, moving can evoke a host of other, not- so-pleasant emotions. The fear of the unknown, the trepidation of having to acclimate to a new environment, and the overwhelming anxiety that results from heightened stress are often all a part of a highly sensitive person’s preparation for a move. 

While in the bookstore the other day, I found myself picking up Baseball for Dummies. My idea was that in choosing a topic I was completely unfamiliar with, it would help me to ascertain the effectiveness of the book. I was pleasantly shocked at how easily I was able to understand the verbiage. While I can’t say I’ll be tuning in to a baseball game any time soon, I’ll admit that it is remarkable what we can learn when concepts are broken down and explained in an easy, digestible way!

We Need More ‘Manuals’ for Highly Sensitive People

With that book fresh on my mind, something struck me: What if there were manuals that helped highly sensitive people maneuver our way through various life experiences? What if we had a selection of “how to” guides to help us navigate and course our paths through those overwhelming situations in life? 

The brainstorming began. I began ruminating on some of the more difficult situations I have faced as a highly sensitive person. As I mentally sifted through my mental catalog, one event kept jumping out at me: Moving.

Having just experienced one of the most intense, anxiety-filled, and time cramped moves I’ve ever gone through, I wanted to offer all of you — my highly sensitive friends — a few pointers. I believe they’ll be helpful toward easing the discomforts of a move. I may not be able to quell all of your trepidation, but  hopefully applying some of these tips will help your next move to be a bit smoother.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

7 Ways to Survive a Move as a Highly Sensitive Person

1. Make sure you have secured a new place to move into.

Back in February, a family driving by our home contacted the realtor who had sold us the house and expressed interest. Our house was not on the market. Two days after that initial call, a showing was set up, the family made a cash offer, and the rest is history. 

Cool story, right? 

Sure. 

Right up until two weeks before the movers were set to come, and we still hadn’t found anywhere to live. Imagine trying to convince two extremely intuitive, highly sensitive children that everything would be okay as you encourage them to pack up their rooms to go… God knows where. 

Luckily, we were able to locate a rental and signed our lease exactly one week before the movers came. My highly sensitive mind was in high sensory overload, feeling out of control, having chaotic thoughts, and feeling depleted, both mentally and physically. My empathetic, highly sensitive self combatted my own emotions while also soaking up the fear and anxiety of my husband and children’s. I was in an emotional tailspin, but it was vital for me to portray the image of “having it all together” to my family members. Sacrificing my internal peace seemed a small price to pay to insure that my state of mind wouldn’t have an adverse affect on my family members. We were in the middle of a move, yet I felt stuck in a mental storage unit. 

HSPs do not fare well in high-stress, unpredictable situations. Uncertainty causes anxiety, and this can contribute to a spiral down the rabbit hole of overwhelm. Not knowing where we were moving had triggered my high stress response, and I wasn’t able to decompress and hop out of that rabbit hole until we figured out where we were going. 

2. Use labels to increase organization (something HSPs love). 

HSPs function best in an organized environment, even if only they understand that organizational system. Knowing the “whats” and “hows” enable us to have a sense of control, as losing control causes our anxiety to soar. 

To help maintain a positive environment when moving with an HSP, develop a system for packing and clearly labeling boxes to be moved. For example, writing “kitchen” on the boxes to be moved into the kitchen helps movers, friends who help you move, and you to better identify where items should be placed. I know this may be a given, but it may be tempting for some people to just hurriedly pack things in any box if it’s getting down to the wire… but trust me, labeling will save you more time in the long run. And the more specific your labels, the better.

Although we didn’t initially have a physical address to move to, I was committed to packing up our home in an organized way. Everyone in our house was tasked with packing up their bedroom and helping to pack up common areas in the house. Each room and its contents were clearly labeled, as to take out the guesswork for both us and the movers. Keeping things organized makes for a smoother moving experience and helps to keep our highly sensitive emotions in a balanced state.

3. Hire professional movers if you can.

Once you’ve packed and labeled everything, the next step is actually preparing to transport your belongings to your new residence. Hiring professional movers helps to alleviate a lot of stress during a move, especially from the physical standpoint. Movers are more skilled in transporting items most people are not, know how to load and unload boxes safely, and are beneficial to people who — for whatever reasons — are unable to handle a move on their own. Plus, there are all kinds of moving companies out there and you can probably find a good deal if you shop around.

While renting a truck and doing it yourself may seem more cost-effective, many charge by the mile (which quickly adds up), and you may need to make multiple trips, too (which won’t save you time — and time is money). So investing in movers will likely be more worthwhile.

4. Make a moving checklist that’s as detailed as possible.

Sensitive people don’t like feeling rushed. In fact, time pressure can cause an HSP’s anxiety to rise. Overstimulation affects HSPs differently than it does those who don’t identify as highly sensitive, and operating under cramped time restraints can greatly overwhelm highly sensitive people.

To combat this, a great tool for HSPs to use is a moving checklist. It contributes to organization and offers a visual tool to ensure that all components of a move are taken care of, from making sure you check those tiny cabinets you rarely used to remembering to forward your mail. When your brain is busy trying to process moving, parenting, working, and life in general, having a list helps to save time from trying to recall items from memory.

5. Eat! No one wants to get “hangry” (hungry + angry).

When a highly sensitive person is in pain, or is anxious, confused, or overstimulated, it is difficult to concentrate on anything outside of those feelings. That same difficulty to concentrate applies to hunger. 

For HSPs, there is a fine line between feeling a bit hungry and then waiting too long and crossing over into being hangry (hungry + angry). An empty stomach affects everything from your mood to your ability to physically function. During a move, when an HSP neglects their need to eat and becomes hangry, it is nearly impossible to focus on the things that need to be taken care of to insure a successful move until that hangriness is satiated. (I speak from experience here.)

To prevent this, make sure to have snacks and water on hand during the move. Leave bottles of water, bags of nuts, or pieces of whole fruit on the counter or in the refrigerator (if it hasn’t been moved) so that when hunger pangs strike, you can quickly resolve them. While some disasters are unavoidable, dealing with a hangry and overwhelmed HSP can be curtailed.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. Schedule breaks, which are essential for HSPs anytime, but especially during a move.

Moving can be overwhelming for anyone, but especially for HSPs: emotions rise, time flies by, and there is just so… much… to… do. Yet, in the midst of all of the “stuff,” it’s paramount that we schedule time to breathe. HSPs require time to recharge: interaction with family, movers, and delivery people can take its toll on us. It’s vital to make sure to schedule a moment here and there to steal away and regroup so that your mental and physical health aren’t compromised. 

That moment may be five minutes in an empty closet, just breathing. Or it may be 10 minutes outside in the grass, grounding yourself and decompressing. But whatever a break looks like for you, make sure you are allowing yourself that time. For me, I found that a 10-15 minute walk around the neighborhood with my dog worked wonders.

Also, please remember: Don’t beat yourself up for needing that break. You aren’t letting your family down by taking care of yourself. Your family knows and accepts you and your highly sensitive needs. When stressed or overwhelmed, communicate where you are and what you need to the people around you. Rely on your support system. They understand that you need time to recharge, and they love you enough to be patient with you. 

Allow yourself the permission to physically check out. Acknowledge that everything doesn’t have to go perfectly, and you are doing the very best you can. And that’s more than enough. 

7. Give yourself grace and practice self-care.

Along with taking breaks, it’s important to be kind to yourself and practice self-care. One of the most important and beautiful things HSP can offer themselves is grace, and this is of the utmost importance during a move. When things aren’t going as smoothly as you’d wished they were, remember — watch your thoughts, and choose gentler words to say to yourself.

As a gentle reminder, you don’t have to overlook your sanity to hold things together. That was my misguided plan during our most recent move. Looking back, I realize that I didn’t have to be the emotional sacrificial lamb for my family. In fact, it was during those tumultuous times that I could have better served both myself and them by turning toward them for support and being a kinder friend to myself, rather than pretending to be okay. But somewhere in the matrix of the unknown, I allowed myself to forget that. 

As a highly sensitive person, moving can be downright terrifying. Moving introduces many uncertain factors: unknown places and people, chaotic disorder, and that underlying nagging feeling of what could go wrong.

Thankfully, we have some tools at our disposal — not to mention our HSP resilience — to help ease the internal and external turmoil our highly sensitive minds experience during a move. Take a deep breath, make a plan, and take the advice of the late basketball coach Pat Summitt, “left foot, right foot, breathe, repeat.” And then get moving!

You might like:

• Why Is Moving to a New Home So Unsettling for Highly Sensitive People?
• How to Survive the Chaos of Selling Your House and Moving as an HSP
• 5 Ways Highly Sensitive People Show Resilience

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 7 Ways to Survive a Move as a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I have always been fascinated by individuality. We all have similar thought patterns, belief systems, habits, and ideas, yet every person is distinctly and intricately made. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I have a tendency to think more deeply about many ideas, and I am truly astounded at the complexity of our differences. I’ve grown to believe that our differences not only specially mark us, but they also magnify our undeniable greatness as superheroes whose strength is our sensitivity.

Though we may not be able to fly, scale skyscrapers, or bust through brick walls, there is some unique quality living within each of us that allows us to walk through life, heads held high, steeped in our superpowers. As part of the 20 percent of the population that identifies as being highly sensitive, I’ve spent quite a bit of time learning about, understanding, and embracing my own sensitivity superpowers.             

One such superpower is the ability to assess, understand, and read my environment by observing people’s body language. HSPs often pay less attention to the words that are spoken, and instead pay more attention to what is unspoken. An HSP easily picks up on the subtle twitch of an eye, the crossing of arms, and the ever-so-slight movements during conversations. Then, we take time and analyze what those movements actually mean in the given exchange. 

This is why HSPs are the ultimate body language experts. Our perceptive nature, tendency to absorb others’ emotions, and conscientiousness are just a few characteristics of ours that contribute to us being linguistic experts in unspoken cues.     

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

HSPs’ Perceptiveness Clue Us in to Subtle Nuances That Others May Miss

If I could only pick one acronym to describe many of my experiences as an HSP, it would be “IYKYK.”  This stands for “If You Know, You Know.” And HSPs know. Our highly sensitive brains pay attention to subtleties that others miss, and we are often far more ahead of the conversation than those relying solely on spoken words.

For HSPs, it really is all in the details. This attention to detail, in fact, can lead us down a rabbit hole of overthinking (which we are naturally predisposed to doing). It’s the attention to small, subtle things we notice that allow HSPs to use non-verbal cues and body language to decipher situations.  

Dr. Angela Wilson, of the Braselton Counseling Group, often looks to body language to determine whether her clients are being deceptive during sessions. Also an HSP, she pays special attention to her clients’ eye movements during sessions, she told Highly Sensitive Refuge. By noting whether a client is looking up, down, or away while talking, Dr. Wilson is able to ascertain a client’s interest in the conversation. Furthermore, a client’s eyes help to determine “whether they are bored or disinterested with a conversation, and — specifically — whether they [are] trying to avoid or run from the topic at hand,” she said. The ability to perceive these subtleties then enables Dr. Wilson to conduct the session in such a way as to achieve the maximum therapeutic benefit for the client.

As a fellow HSP, I also look at nonverbal cues to gauge the authenticity of people I am speaking with — even family members. I attended undergraduate school about an hour-and-a-half away from my hometown. I would often head home for a quick overnight stay when I needed to get away from the hustle and bustle of college life and rebalance my highly sensitive chi. During one of these unannounced, quick visits, I noticed that my mom wasn’t really “on.” Usually, she was very engaged in our conversations, and several times her body language signaled that she was hiding something or disinterested in what I was saying.  

After a bit of this empty back and forth, I stopped and asked her what was going on. She looked at me, perplexed. I told her that I felt something was off in my gut, and I invited her to share her thoughts with me. Her eyes glossed over, and she told me that she was going into the hospital the following morning to have some cysts removed from her breasts to be biopsied. She informed me that she had no intention of sharing this with me, prior to my pop-up visit.  

Thinking back, nothing my mother overtly said made me suspicious. Yet everything she did not say sent my antennae up. The tenseness of her posture, the rigidity of her demeanor, and her false “engagement” during our conversation all ignited an unnerving knowing inside of me. I now recognize that it was my high sensitivity that enabled me to perceive what I may have otherwise dismissed. Thankfully, my mother’s procedure was successful; and her cysts were benign. 

Body language has also benefited me as a mother, deciphering when my children are being less-than-truthful. Many times, asking “Did you finish your homework” is easily answered by the subtle shifting of eyes or a sly lean into a shoulder. Rather than wait for a lie, I’ll give my girls “the look” and they’ll return to their unfinished studies.

HSPs Absorb Others’ Emotions and Rely on Body Language to Determine How to Proceed in Conversations 

HSPs can experience the most amazing emotional highs, yet we also trudge through some emotional lows, too. This is because we tend to internalize the emotions of others, and experience both their joys and pains.

When HSPs seek to engage in conversation, the first thing we notice is a person’s body language. These nonverbal cues help to set the mood for the encounter. For example, hunched shoulders, heads held low, and forlorn-looking faces may indicate sadness or disappointment. Without exchanging a word, highly sensitive types ingest these cues, and oftentimes that “sad” energy seeps out and is transferred to the HSP, who’s empathetic by nature. 

The same transference of energy occurs with happy energy. Namely, smiling, more relaxed movements and postures that indicate openness let HSPs know that a person is willing and eager to communicate.

High school psychologist Emily Demo relies on her high sensitivity and ability to read body language when dealing with staff and students she encounters and works with, she told Highly Sensitive Refuge. Demo acknowledges that being an HSP enables her to connect and empathize with her students and coworkers at a deeper level. 

Demo depends on body language cues to assess how to proceed in conversations, especially ones that could prove less pleasant. “As a mental health professional, [body language] helps me determine how to start [a] conversation with someone,” she said. “For example, if their body language is communicating to me that they may be feeling less-than-excited about our conversation, I may start our time together with an activity instead of talking.”

It is important to read the room before beginning a conversation with someone whose body language is less-than-welcoming. By assessing whether the conversation can proceed positively, highly sensitive people can avoid becoming emotionally overwhelmed. When we recognize less-than-welcoming body language, Demo recommends beginning conversations with questions like, “I notice your head is down, and that makes me wonder if you would like to continue talking or if we should wait to schedule a different time?” This sets a tone for the conversation that communicates that both parties’ emotional needs are important, and dialogue can continue when/once both parties are comfortable. 

Being well-versed in interpreting body language allows HSPs to prepare themselves for conversations that could prove emotionally draining by offering us an opportunity to determine how — and if — to proceed. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

HSPs Are the Ultimate Body Language Shift Shapers, Exuding Positivity (Even When We’re Not Feeling It)

When Lady Gaga wrote Poker Face, her muse may have been an HSP. In an effort to present an aura that isn’t off-putting to others, highly sensitive folks dig deeper than what is always comfortably available to us. We know when to hold ‘em, and we rarely let people see us fold.

HSPs are able to read others’ body language easily, but the same cannot always be said for other people’s ability to read ours. We systematically consider the needs of others before considering our own. HSPs make being comfortably uncomfortable in our skin a habit, as long as no one else is inconvenienced. But this behavior can lead to burnout. 

However, since HSPs are meticulously conscientious, and we do our very best to project good energy and to infuse a positive spirit into the lives of those we come into contact with. We try to not let our exterior crack, and we aim to avoid mistakes that can affect other people. For HSPs, being criticized is as unpleasant as eating poison, and we will work tirelessly to avoid disappointing others. We would much rather demonstrate empathy toward others and place extreme demands on ourselves. This conscious disregard for our own well-being can be excessively draining for our sensitive minds, but we are often willing to make the sacrifice to benefit others.

There are moments when being an HSP can be exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally. When I find myself at the brink of exhaustion, I lose myself in the pages of a good book. One of my favorite books is Untamed by Glennon Doyle. In an exchange regarding the heaviness of “the stuff,” Doyle’s daughter, Tish, asks, “Mommy, why does it hurt so much?” Doyle writes:

“Tish is sensitive, and that is her superpower. The opposite of sensitive is not brave. It’s not brave to refuse to pay attention, to refuse to notice, to refuse to feel and know and imagine. The opposite of sensitive is insensitive, and that’s no badge of honor.” 

I have read this passage at least a hundred times. It is highlighted and underlined in my personal copy of the book. These words make me feel seen, heard, and understood as an HSP. They remind me of my superpowers. 

I’m proud when I walk into a room and immediately feel the energy. 

I’m confident when a person’s words say one thing, but their non-verbal communication says another, and I can read the truth through small subtleties to seek the truth. 

I’m reassured when I pick up on lies, secrets, and even unspoken pain. I am able to trust myself and my intuition.

The next time you find yourself reading, and fully comprehending, someone’s body language like the pages of a book, know that you’re not reading too much into things. You’re not thinking too much, and you’re not imagining what is not there. It’s your superpowers nudging you on. Your Spidey-senses have kicked it. Your intuition is on the right page of the right chapter of the best book — your highly sensitive book. Head held high, throw on your cape, and press on. After all, it’s the superheroes who save the world.

You might like: 

• 5 Simple Ways to Access Your Intuition as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Being an HSP Is a Superpower — But It’s Almost Impossible to Explain It
• 13 Signs You’re Secretly a Highly Sensitive Person

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Are HSPs the Ultimate Body Language Experts? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

One night as I was sleeping, my 20-year-old daughter came into my bedroom crying inconsolably. Instinctively, I jumped up and began doing all of the “mom” things: I searched her body for injuries, felt her head for a fever, and held her tight. I tried to console and comfort her, as she was unable to tell me what was wrong. It was terrifying.   

I was relieved when, finally, she said she’d had a nightmare. A nightmare, we could work through. We could use coping mechanisms such as meditation, breathing techniques, and prayer to combat the lingering effects of a bad dream.

However, my daughter’s nightmare didn’t end when she woke up. The true nightmare began once her eyes opened.

Most of the time after having a bad dream, you wake up. However, what happens when you awake from dreaming to find yourself unable to move? Unable to maneuver your legs, arms, and entire bodies? What happens when you are physically stuck? Terrified? Helpless? 

This phenomenon is known as sleep paralysis. And this is the conscious nightmare that my daughter — who’s also a highly sensitive person (HSP) — had experienced.

“I find that sleep paralysis sufferers are often highly sensitive creative individuals who need an outlet for their creativity.”

What Is Sleep Paralysis?

Sleep paralysis is a type of parasomnia; in other words, an abnormal sleep behavior. It occurs when our minds wake up from a sleeping state, but our bodies do not. So our minds are alert, yet there is an inability to speak or to move. Sleep paralysis is a terrifying experience in which you are aware of your cognitive functioning; you know that you can walk/run/turn over, but you cannot will your body to take action. You experience a brief loss of muscle control called atonia, and hallucinations are not uncommon either. 

If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you’re already more in tune with others’ emotions, have a heightened perception of your surroundings, and sometimes are more prone to certain occurrences. In fact, some experts think highly sensitive people are more likely than others to experience sleep paralysis.   

“I find that sufferers are often highly sensitive creative individuals who are imaginative and need an outlet for their creativity,” Dr. Nerina Ramlakhan, a physiologist and sleep therapist, has written. However, not enough research has been done to indicate how likely it would be for HSPs to experience it vs. non-HSPs. 

Overall, researchers say that sleep paralysis is quite common — studies have found that 7.6 percent of the general population have experienced it at least once. And students and psychiatric patients experience it even more, 28.3 percent and 31.9 percent, respectively. 

What Causes Sleep Paralysis?

Although the exact cause of sleep paralysis is unknown, some factors may trigger it more than others, like sleep deprivation and stress. Some other causes include: 

• insomnia
• post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• narcolepsy  
• changes in your sleep schedule 
• substance abuse

As HSPs, we often become easily stressed and overwhelmed by external stimuli. Having too many thoughts in our heads can impede our ability to fall asleep, which negatively influences the quality of our rest. Over time, lack of adequate sleep can cause sleep deprivation. (And, if anything, HSPs need more sleep, not less.) This extreme lack of sleep leads to a multitude of undesirable and uncomfortable outcomes, such as crankiness, inability to relax, loss of appetite, and — you guessed it: sleep paralysis.

Factors That Can Impact an HSP’s Sleep

Some factors that can contribute to an HSP’s ability to get enough sleep include:

• Being overwhelmed. Without adequate sleep, thoughts and events interwoven into our lives trigger us more easily, and we are more frequently overwhelmed. This overwhelm can trigger our highly sensitive minds into overthinking, which can, in turn, cause more difficulty in reaching the calm mental state necessary to achieve a peaceful night’s sleep. 

• Elevated anxiety can affect sleep patterns. Many HSPs regularly deal with anxiety. This anxiety can be caused by various factors, such as work, school, relationships, and even sleep. Research shows that sleep anxiety occurs when the stress of not getting enough sleep causes stress, and then — as a result of ruminating over how to fall asleep or whether you will get enough rest — your ability to fall asleep is inhibited. This increased stress and anxiety work counter to our bodies’ abilities to relax for bed and can result in sleep deprivation.

• Being overwhelmed + anxiety + overthinking can prohibit the mind from relaxing. It is notable that being overwhelmed and suffering from anxiety are not mutually exclusive, and they can often overlap with one another. This being overwhelmed/anxiety/overthinking combination can create a three-headed monster that can wreak havoc on our highly sensitive brain’s ability to relax and achieve restful slumber. And a sleep-deprived mind becomes even more susceptible to episodes of sleep paralysis.  

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Ways HSPs Can Avoid Sleep Paralysis

There is no guaranteed way to determine whether an HSP will (or will not) experience sleep paralysis. We can, however, attempt to manage triggers, such as our stress and anxiety levels.

Aside from being an HSP, my oldest daughter is also a collegiate student athlete and lives away from home — and all of these factors contribute to her elevated stress levels. And when she is highly stressed, she sometimes still suffers from sleep paralysis. We spoke to her physician, but because she doesn’t have any other underlying sleep conditions or triggers (substance abuse, prolonged trauma, narcolepsy), we were instructed to try to improve the quality of her sleep by forming solid nighttime routines. She’s also begun to work with a therapist for her anxiety, so that has helped minimize her sleep paralysis episodes, as well.

Since I am an HSP, too, I’ve started following these healthy sleep habits along with my daughter: 

• Avoid certain bedtime snacks. My daughter never fully outgrew the “bedtime snack” phase from childhood. We’ve learned, however, to be mindful of the food choices she makes closer to bedtime, as some foods serve as stimulants and make falling asleep more difficult. For example, chocolate, high-sugar snacks, and any food or beverage too high in caffeine are on the pre-bed “no-fly” list. Lower-sugar/higher-protein snacks, like natural nut butter with celery, oatmeal with cinnamon and almonds, or toast and natural peanut butter, keep her both satiated through the night and also don’t cause her to be unable to fall asleep. 

• Create and follow a bedtime routine. Each night before bed, my daughter and I follow similar bedtime routines. (Experts call it “sleep hygiene,” but it’s the same idea.) This includes a hot shower, lavender body lotion, journaling, meditation, prayer, and then bed. This routine sends our minds and bodies a signal that it is time to wind down and reset for the night. HSPs crave time to reset and rest, and bedtime is a prime opportunity to create a routine that promotes mindfulness to encourage sleep. Going to bed at the same time each night, and waking up at the same time the next day, is also important. 

• Cultivate a peaceful environment. HSPs can be extremely sensitive to excess noise and light, and I’ve found this to be especially true at bedtime. Each night before bed, I take the opportunity to unwind and unplug from the noise, lights, and distractions of the day (like no screens at least 30 minutes before bed). My bedroom — my HSP sanctuary — cannot be filled with too much sound or light. I aim to create an ambience of relaxation in my bedroom, which promotes sleep. 

• Set some boundaries centered around rest, and stick to them. One of the best tools I’ve found in developing and sticking to a solid nighttime routine is nocturnal boundaries. In the past, once I’d start settling in for bed, I would think (and overthink) about the endless list of things I didn’t get done, like an extra load of laundry or forgetting to send a certain email. Or perhaps my kids would need me to read over an assignment for them. I would stay up all night to get everything done for everyone else. But …

… the result was me waking up tired and irritated the next morning, while my family members awoke bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. (And HSPs are already exhausted enough all the time from our overstimulated minds.) To avoid forming resentment toward them, I established some nocturnal boundaries. 

For many years, the idea of boundaries caused me anxiety, especially as an HSP. “Boundaries” meant I would disappoint someone. “Boundaries” meant saying “no.” “Boundaries” meant putting my needs before other people’s needs. Guess what? Boundaries definitely meant all of those things, and they are all necessary to support our mental health (and to help us rest at night).

It wasn’t until I placed a solid boundary around when I would “log off” for the night — a time when work for the day was done — that I was able to emotionally detach from the things I felt I was “supposed” to be doing each night. Drawing that distinct line in the sand, denoting that my day had ended, has been key for me. It took a while, but I am now able to unplug once my day ends, realizing that anything I haven’t accomplished in one day would be there in the morning. 

Treatment for Sleep Paralysis 

Treatment of sleep paralysis involves targeting any underlying conditions that may be triggering episodes. Some treatment options include: 

• Seeing a sleep specialist to diagnose possible sleep disorders
• Improving sleep habits (the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends that adults get at least seven hours of sleep per night)
• Avoiding sleeping on your back; try out sleeping on your side or with more pillows elevating your upper body onto an incline. If you tend to roll onto your back in your sleep, try placing a pillow behind you so you can’t. 
• Reduce alcohol consumption, especially before bed. 
• Addressing any mental health conditions (like anxiety) which could be affecting sleep patterns. You can find therapists who understand and work well with HSPs via our partner, BetterHelp. 
• In some cases, certain antidepressant medication can be prescribed

If you are experiencing episodes of sleep paralysis, you may want to consult your doctor to go over a potential treatment plan. 

As HSPs, it is vital that we prioritize our rest and create environments beneficial to achieving optimal sleep. And, let’s be honest: we could all do with a few more Zzzzs.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People May Need More Sleep Than Others
• How to Stop Feeling Exhausted All the Time as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why I Decided to Give Up Alcohol as a Highly Sensitive Person

The post Are Highly Sensitive People More Likely to Have Sleep Paralysis? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

When I was 19 years old, my doctor told me that my chances of carrying children were extremely low. I was devastated. I’d dreamt of being a cookie-baking, tradition-making mommy like the ones on the Hallmark Channel. 

Low and behold, my dream came true. I had two, successful, full-term pregnancies. Two miracle pregnancies, two miracle babies. And, now, those babies are 14 and 20 years old.

And I’m not just a mom — I’m a highly sensitive mom. So this means I’m not only extra sensitive to external stimuli, but also really empathize with my children: their happiness is my happiness, their pain is my pain.

My therapist and I cover a plethora of topics, but motherhood is one of the most visited. Am I doing it right? Am I messing my kids up? Can I give them too many cookies? WHAT AM I EVEN DOING?!?!

Another popular topic is “guilt” and “shame,” and how to differentiate between the two. Guilt arises from something someone does wrong, while shame rests in the belief that you — as a person — are innately wrong. This distinction has allowed me to identify where I feel guilt as a mother, and where it is I carry shame regarding my parenting. It’s been a journey.

Often, we don’t disclose these feelings publicly, but I’d like to change that. Perhaps you’ll see yourself reflected in one (or some) of my confessions of a highly sensitive mom. Knowing you’re not alone, I’d extend yourself a bit more grace and be reminded of what a kick-ass mom (or dad) you really are.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

1. Mommy does not know best.

Asking a highly sensitive mom a question is complex. Trying to answer even “simple” questions, we often get caught up with overthinking — which easily becomes negative overthinking.  

At nine years old, my oldest daughter asked to spend the night with a friend for the first time. I went through every possible negative scenario trying to decide if I should allow her to go. I questioned everything from her becoming homesick to her getting hurt to her being kidnapped. 

In hindsight (and after allowing her to go), I could have changed my internal narrative by focusing on more positive questions, the most important one being, “What if this makes her heart happy?” 

And it did.

2. My children believe I have superpowers.

When chit-chatting with my girls, I can perceive when something is off. Not to say I’m psychic, but I can read the room, and the people in it, and pick up on things that others miss. We HSPs are highly perceptive of things going on around them. 

It’s this astute perception that has led both of my daughters to conclude that I have mind-reading abilities. Almost, but not quite…

…like the time I asked my oldest daughter about her prom night plans with friends and uncovered an unchaperoned party plan. There was something ominous in the way she answered a question I’d asked, and my HSP intuition and spidey senses were alerted. Hence, that dastardly plan was foiled. 

3. I bake to breathe and as a form of self-care.

Every year from December 1-25, I bake a different confection daily, from blueberry muffins to chewy chocolate chip cookies. It’s an annual tradition in our home that my family and I cherish and look forward to.

But as much as I love baking for other people, I need to bake for myself. And by baking for myself, I don’t mean I want to eat two dozen chocolate chip cookies (although they are delicious). For me, baking is a form of self-care, and it helps to provide me with a creative outlet.

HSPs need an outlet to release the creative fires inside of us. And I’ve found that putting together a dessert recipe that my family enjoys fulfills both my creative and nurturing psyches. 

4. Family vacations give me anxiety and I’ll hole up with a book for a while.

I look forward to making precious memories with my family on vacation, but I often get anxious both before and during a trip.

For one, we are together non-stop. As a highly sensitive soul, I need alone time to recharge. So sometimes I will appear irritated or frustrated, when in reality I am overwhelmed and overstimulated.

I feel so guilty for needing to escape during our family vacation time; feeling as though I cannot fulfill the “fun mom” role due to being overwhelmed weighs on me heavily.

What I have found helpful is escaping into the pages of a good book. Often when my family is splashing in the pool or snorkeling in the ocean, I’m in a lounge chair, happily reading. After a few chapters, I’m able to rejoin my family and genuinely enjoy our time together. 

HSP parents, it’s important to identify that thing that’ll serve as your magical elixir, too.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5) I have double standards, even while preaching equity.

I tell my daughters that perfection isn’t important — effort is. And looking at them, I sincerely mean that. Admittedly, though, I don’t apply that same standard to myself. 

I have been known to bake a cake, turn it out of the pan, and throw it immediately in the trash if I am unhappy with the bake. For me, an imperfect cake is a direct reflection of my imperfections as a mother. My family might not care about a lopsided cake, but the possibility of criticism shakes me to my sensitive core. I cannot give myself the grace I give to others.

Similar to throwing out a cake I’m unhappy with, I will also throw out parenting methods that I feel yield unsatisfactory results. I’ve tried a ton of “parenting recipes” in my efforts to discover the right mix of discipline and leniency as I attempt to raise my children in a way that honors both their individuality and their roles within our family. Sometimes in parenting, just as in baking, you have to be willing to scrap an entire method to uncover a delicious gem.

6) Rules can be hard to enforce (but it’s necessary).

Like many families, we have rules in our home. Our rules focus on respect and accountability.  I want my girls to value their contributions to the world and to respect the values of others.

When my daughters break a rule, like missing curfew or not checking in, it results in my having to take a privilege away from them. I try to maintain a poker face while being “parental,” but, inside, I am crushed.  

I recognize that I have to set and enforce boundaries with my children, but highly sensitive me is gutted when my girls are sad or upset that they have lost privileges. Oftentimes after playing the role of “enforcer,” I have to retreat to my bedroom to compose myself before my daughters see my “strict mom” exterior shatter.

7. Parties make me anxious (and I often skip them).

Both of my daughters play team sports. My least favorite part of the season is the end-of-season party. Team parties make me anxious. “Team party” means the team, parents, and coaches will be present. Too many people, too much conversation, and too much movement is extremely overwhelming for an HSP. 

I experienced similar anxiety during class parties for five years as “room mom” for my youngest daughter’s class. I enjoyed the planning and the behind-the-scenes coordination, but when it was “party day,” my anxiety took over. The noises in the classroom, the constant chatter, and the smells of the different party foods was sensory overload.

I could have easily not signed up to be a room mom. However, the joy I saw on my baby girl’s face when we would sit at home cutting stars and letters for her class was priceless. That joy — even with the personal discomfort I may have experienced during the party — made it all worth it. 

But team and classroom parties aren’t the only party environments that make me anxious. I’ve experienced anxiety attacks attempting to mentally prepare myself for social events with groups of friends, too (pre-pandemic, of course). Usually, all the external stimulation is far too overwhelming for my highly sensitive mind.

8. I cry — a lot — like when my daughters tell me they’re proud of me.

Before I knew what being highly sensitive meant, I didn’t understand why so many things in life moved me to tears. 

• When I saw beautiful flowers, I cried.  
• When a friend lost a child, I cried. 
• When I saw a homeless or less fortunate person on the street, I cried.
• When I smelled food that reminded me of my grandmother’s cooking, I cried.
• When a boyfriend told me I cried too much, I cried.  

I still cry a lot. But now it’s due to moments of beauty, sadness, grief, and joy involving my children that moves me to tears most.

• When I’m taken aback by my daughters’ beauty, I cry.
• When my oldest daughter texts me simply to say “Good morning!” I cry.
• When my daughters rave about something special I’ve cooked for them, I cry.
• When my daughters, who are six-and-a-half years apart in age, call each other their “best friend,” I cry.
• When my daughters say they are proud of me, I cry.

The number of tears hasn’t changed, but the motivation behind them has.

9. Opinions do matter, especially when they come from the people you love most.

I’ve spent my daughters’ lives telling them that it didn’t matter what other people thought of them. I’ve told them that as long as they know they’re trying their best to be decent and honest people, other people’s perception of them is not their responsibility.

But, I believe that’s only partially true. All opinions don’t matter, but the people you love most? Their opinions definitely matter. Theirs are the opinions that force you to to make better choices and to live with integrity. 

When I’m convinced I’m completely ruining this “momming” gig, one of my daughters will randomly look at me/call me/text me and say, “Mommie, you’re a good mommie” — and I’ll get the positive reinforcement I need to keep going. It’s opinions like those that I live for.

I’m not ashamed of the mother I’ve become; I make mistakes every day. And isn’t that what motherhood is? Apologizing and learning and growing and understanding? It’s firmly trying to hold onto something — all while keeping both feet on the ground.

If, at 19 years old, I knew what I now know about motherhood, I’d have the same dreams. I would choose to be this highly sensitive mom who is more self-aware than ever, who cries more than ever, and who constantly works toward improvement. I would pick motherhood, with all of the fragmented pieces and struggles that make it wholly worthwhile. I would choose this perfectly imperfect life. Every single time, I would take my low chances and accept my miracles. 

You might like:

• 6 Critical Self-Care Tips for Highly Sensitive New Moms
• 5 Things I Teach My Kids as a Highly Sensitive Parent
• How HSP Parents Can Get Alone Time Without Feeling Lousy About It

The post 9 Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Mom appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Quirks. Oddities. Idiosyncrasies. They’re the crux of characteristics that makes us uniquely who we are. They “set us off,” irritate us, and — for highly sensitive people (HSPs) — can completely overwhelm us.  

We HSPs experience overwhelm whenever we feel, think, or experience something we cannot seem to manage — and we can’t always explain why we feel this way. We may end up looking around awkwardly in social settings, sitting with our emotions, and trying (unsuccessfully) to unpack our feelings.  

(Are you an HSP? Here are 21 signs that you’re a highly sensitive person.)

And while sometimes there are no answers as to the why of overwhelming experiences —  aside from the fact that HSPs are affected by stimuli more than non-highly-sensitive types — it behooves HSPs to familiarize themselves with the what of them. In other words, identifying your triggers and realizing that your sensitive mind will always feel more deeply and process a bit differently than others is a huge step toward understanding your overwhelming experiences.

In reality, many situations that overwhelm HSPs may seem “small” to others, but they seem “big” to us. Here are 11 “little” things that might overwhelm highly sensitive people. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

11 ‘Little’ Things That Overwhelm Highly Sensitive People

1. Shallow or meaningless conversation topics

Sensitive people love deep, meaningful connections and conversations — they make us happy. Trying to make small talk about something random, like the weather, with an HSP can prove challenging. 

By nature, HSPs are analyzers and deep thinkers, and it is difficult to deeply analyze small talk. So, we may struggle to engage in the conversation or think of what to say — all the while trying not to appear rude to the other party. And because we read others so well, we can tell exactly when we’ve made the other person awkward or uncomfortable, which in turn, makes us feel uncomfortable, too! For the sensitive person, it can all combine into quickly feeling overwhelmed.

2. Too many people around at one time

Recently, I was at a birthday party. One moment, I was having a great time, but the next, I was standing in the bathroom mirror trying to recenter myself. Meanwhile, my friends were in the other room, laughing, singing, and having a blast! I, too, had been enjoying myself just moments before — yet it became too much. 

You see, highly sensitive minds are often unable to absorb too much conversation, movement, and stimuli all at once. The combination can cause feelings of overwhelm, and we are unable to ground ourselves until we are able to retreat — even if only momentarily — and regroup.

3. Textures of clothing, which can become all-consuming

For less-sensitive people, an uncomfortable tag in a shirt or an oddly placed appliqué on a sweater rubbing against an arm can be mildly irritating. But for HSPs, having a tag rubbing at your neck all day easily becomes the focus of the day.  

We can be extremely sensitive to certain textures, and it can become overwhelming when we are unable to address or correct the discomfort. (On more than one occasion, I have stopped whatever I’m doing to cut off a label from inside a shirt, and I’m sure many other HSPs have done the same.)

4. Noise — even just the sound of someone chewing

Misophonia is a condition in which certain sounds — or an excess of sound — can cause feelings of annoyance, anger, or panic. Many HSPs are very sensitive to noise, and some may even suffer from misophonia.  

And highly sensitive folks can not only become stressed by common noises, like loud music or an ambulance siren, but also by the slightest noises, like hearing someone chew too loudly.

5. Mental exhaustion from all the “overthinking” we do

Overthinking situations, seeking deep connection, and feeling more deeply than others are all characteristics of HSPs, which can contribute to mental exhaustion.  

It’s important to distinguish here between mental exhaustion and physical exhaustion. Symptoms of mental exhaustion include impaired judgment, an inability to focus, and being unable to complete tasks. These symptoms regularly add to an HSP’s feelings of overwhelm.   

Tools that aid in addressing mental exhaustion include breaking down tasks into smaller steps, rather than looking at projects or assignments as a whole. In this way, goals become more feasible. 

6. Physical exhaustion, such as exercise and lack of sleep

Unlike mental exhaustion, which brings about stress due to emotional events, physical exhaustion is primarily caused by external factors, such as exercise, strenuous labor, and a lack of sleep.  

Being physically tired hinders task completion and inhibits the ability to both plan and carry out duties. Getting enough physical rest is key in ensuring HSPs are able to perform optimally. (As it is, HSPs need more sleep than less-sensitive people.) 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

7. External emotional stimuli, like a sad TV commercial or disturbing social media post

Naturally caring, sensitive people are more inclined to be empaths, and this empathetic tendency extends both to loved ones and strangers. So whether you tear up hearing about a friend’s breakup or while watching a tragic news story, it can be very stressful to the highly sensitive mind.

When trying to contend with too much external stimuli, the highly sensitive brain can easily go into sensory overload. Observing the news cycle, for instance, can cause an HSP’s mind to figuratively crash, due to the amount of processing a sensitive mind must do. 

It is vital for HSPs to unplug from the news and social media — and often — in order to maintain a balanced mental homeostasis.  

8. Not having solid boundaries in place

Because HSPs are so sensitive to the needs of other people, we sometimes ignore our own needs in an effort to make sure others are cared for. But consistently ignoring what you need can take an emotional toll on you and become increasingly stressful.  

For this reason, it is important for HSPs to establish boundaries and to enforce these boundaries. But establishing boundaries as a highly sensitive person (especially if you’ve never had boundaries) can be difficult. 

However, honoring your needs, wants, and expectations does not make you selfish. Your sensitive mind and heart deserve to have your desires met, and creating boundaries will provide a long-term blueprint to help insure your happiness and wholeness in relationships. 

9. Anyone (ourselves or others) putting things off until the last minute

There are few people who would say they enjoy putting things off until the last moment and then must rush to get them done. And, for a sensitive person, procrastination can feel like a stop on the elevator to hell and can cause a strong sense of overwhelm.  

HSPs are better able to complete tasks when ample time has been allotted for the completion of said task, and when the “to-do” list is organized and structured in a way that alleviates too much last-minute production.  

10. The “locomotion of self” — also known as the never-ending cycle of overwhelm

Highly sensitive types often find ourselves on a figurative train that seems to run in a constant circle. Years ago, my therapist and I named it the “Locomotion of Self.”  

The “locomotion of self” happens when an HSP becomes overwhelmed, then grows increasingly stressed out from feeling overwhelmed, which causes more overwhelm, leading to more stress over being overwhelmed … you get the picture. It is a never-ending cycle of overwhelm, caused mainly by our inability to identify what began the cycle of to begin with. And it’s exhausting.

To avoid this cycle, it’s important for HSPs to try to remain present and in the “now,” focusing on the things and events within our immediate control. In this way, we can better handle situations and set ourselves up for continued success as we become the conductor of the “locomotive of self,” and not a caboose running off the tracks.

11. Feeling misunderstood

Sometimes, being sensitive can feel like a puzzle with a missing piece: You realize something is missing, but it’s hard to uncover exactly that missing thing is. 

Over time, I have worked hard to love and embrace my highly sensitive self — after all, it truly is a gift, from my ability to think deeply to my empathetic nature. However, not everyone I encounter understands my sensitivity. 

As an HSP, I don’t get to pick or choose what situations will overwhelm me. I just have to embrace stressful experiences and use coping mechanisms to sort through them as best as I can, giving myself grace along the way. (Perhaps you can relate?)So, not being understood by people who do not identify as sensitive can be daunting and can contribute to us HSPs becoming overwhelmed.

Every HSP Will Respond to Overwhelm Differently — and That’s OK

As I’ve learned more about being an HSP, I’ve come to know that all HSPs do not experience overwhelm in the same way. Different situations affect HSPs differently, and our levels of — and responses to — being overwhelmed vary. While I may tear up at a Humane Society commercial, an HSP friend of mine may full-on cry. But no reaction is “wrong.” 

What remains consistent, however, is that HSPs find certain experiences stressful that don’t affect less-sensitive people in the same way. This overwhelms us, as we are constantly trying to help people understand that we are not weird or outliers — we are simply sensitive. And though getting overwhelmed isn’t fun, it’s just a side effect of our beautiful, sensitive souls. 

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Overwhelmed Easily (And How to Fix It)
• 10 Things That Just Don’t Make Sense to HSPs
• These 2 Traits Can Make HSPs (Almost) Immune to Narcissists

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 11 ‘Little’ Things That Overwhelm Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

My days of nervously walking into a classroom for the first day of school passed many moons ago. Yet every year at the start of a new school year for my daughters, I experience those same first-day jitters I felt so long ago. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I feel such empathy for my children’s anxiety that it often triggers anxious feelings of my own.

Both of my daughters are sensitive students who face many of the same struggles that other sensitive students face inside the classroom. Events such as making new friends, adapting to new environments, and marrying their learning styles to the teaching methods of new teachers are just a few examples of anxiety-inducing situations for students. 

As sensitive children, the heaviness of these events is increased as they set forth to navigate new, unknown territory while simultaneously trying to please everyone, do everything perfectly, help people understand that their quiet nature does not mean they lack intelligence, and still find time to regroup and recharge from all of the school day stimuli. 

Teachers can be extremely instrumental in helping sensitive students deal with these anxiety-filled situations. Teachers are tasked with helping to contribute to the overall learning experience of children. Sensitive students rely on their teachers to help provide them with an environment conducive to success. Sensitive students thrive under the tutelage of teachers who vary their critiquing methods, understand their “people-pleasing” nature, demonstrate their humanity, and exhibit grace.

While all students need certain things from their teachers, sensitive students need certain things in particular — here are four of them. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

4 Things Sensitive Students Need From Teachers

1. They need teachers to help them discover how they best receive feedback and critique.

During my freshman year of high school, I was selected to participate in a program for gifted students. The class was unlike any class I’d ever taken before. Each student was encouraged to curate their own learning experience and to share their creativity and learning styles with their peers. 

During this time, I learned the value of a teacher understanding the individuality of students. I grew to value teachers who deliberately worked to provide a safe and effective learning space for sensitive students like myself. I discovered that my sensitive mind received feedback or critique best through gentle redirection, which encouraged me to continue to explore creative and ingenuitive learning opportunities.  

To encourage continued creativity and exploration, Sari O’Bryan, an orchestra teacher in Maryland, utilizes a “criticism sandwich” when critiquing sensitive students. O’Bryan, who also identifies as an HSP, has found that when dealing with her sensitive students, offering a compliment before a critique works best, as sensitive students are extremely affected by criticism. She “sandwiches” negative comments between positive reinforcers in order to redirect sensitive students away from the negative and toward what makes them feel better about their performance.

Sensitive students need teachers to utilize critiquing methods in which the correction is focused on a sensitive child’s work and not on the child. Taking the time to understand an individual’s needs enhances the student/teacher relationship and enables a teacher to more effectively help the lives of their sensitive students. 

2. They need teachers to understand that they are people-pleasers and perfectionists.

As a teacher explores the best way to critique sensitive learners, they may discover another characteristic of sensitive students: that they are people-pleasers. Sensitive students are driven by the need to be appreciated and are focused on other people and their needs. They seek good grades, and will attempt to adapt to a teacher’s preferences, even if it means deserting their own needs. Essentially, they aspire to be the perfect student.   

My youngest daughter is very smart, extremely modest, and does not recognize her talent. Also a sensitive student, she is very analytical. Some of her former teachers have commented on her detailed classroom performance and her need for perfection. In fact, a past math teacher was hesitant to recommend her for an honors level course, fearing that her quest for perfectionism would cause her too much stress. 

My husband and I have become her advocates, and we continue to teach her how to advocate for herself. We gently guide her as we explain how her people-pleasing nature is a part of her sensitive makeup. For us, it is important that she knows that she is not flawed in her makeup and that her sensitivity is a superpower.

Sensitive children need teachers who encourage them to embrace their phenomenal makeup. They need teachers to understand that the extra three pages of work were done to make sure they completed each detail of a rubric, not to cause additional work to grade for the teacher. They need their teachers to understand that when they ask an abundance of questions, they are not trying to be annoying, but rather, trying to ensure that they don’t make a mistake. 

Teachers who learn to attribute a sensitive student’s behavior to their desire to please them — and who don’t make them feel small or insignificant — encourage the sensitive student’s intellectual and social growth both in and out of the classroom. These teachers allow sensitive students the opportunity to celebrate themselves in lieu of lamenting over their intrinsic makeup. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. They need to see that teachers are perfectly imperfect human beings, too. 

Albert Einstein said, “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” For sensitive students, the issue is not one of effort. In fact, they often try too hard. Striving for perfection, sensitive students are harder on themselves than they are on others, and they often don’t realize that people around them are making mistakes, too, according to Amanda van Mulligen, who has sensitive children herself. She says a sensitive child who is afraid to fail may doubt their abilities, take longer to complete assignments, or even experience tears or meltdowns. These behaviors can be detrimental to classroom performance.

One way a teacher can make a child feel safe to fail is by embracing their own mistakes, van Mulligen says. A teacher’s willingness to share mistakes that they’ve made, to laugh about those mistakes, and to demonstrate how those mistakes did not define who they were provides a safe space for navigating through mishaps. 

According to Megan Wilson, an AP Math teacher from Atlanta, Georgia, one of the most important tools she uses to connect to her students is allowing them the opportunity to see her as more than just their teacher. Wilson has found that when dealing with her sensitive students, her “big three” are consistency, communication, and intentional interaction. Wilson takes a genuine interest in her students outside of the classroom by attending their sporting events, drama performances, and various competitions. She often attends these events with her husband and triplets so that students are able to see the human side of her, away from the whiteboards in the classroom.

A sensitive learner herself, Wilson understands the importance of feeling supported by teachers. Attending extracurricular events, volunteering for opportunities outside of the classroom to work with sensitive children, and continuing to develop and evolve her teaching strategies to fit a broad spectrum of learners allows her students to recognize that her dedication to their success extends beyond the walls of the classroom. Sensitive learners need teachers who are willing to remove their “teacher” hat and allow them to view them as supporters and life coaches outside of the school building.

4. They need teachers to understand that they help to determine whether a learning experience is positive or negative. 

The time teachers spend in, and out, of the classroom preparing lessons proves their dedication to their students. Tailoring lessons to 25-30 different personalities is a challenge, yet they work incessantly to succeed. Teachers like Ronald Blair, Jr., Ed.D, who teaches Special Education in Virginia, recognizes the complexity of considering the personalities and learning styles of sensitive students when crafting lesson plans.   

Recognizing that teachers are one of the biggest influences in a child’s life, Blair has seen firsthand how interactions with educators help to determine whether an educational experience is positive or negative. He’s seen instances where an amazing science teacher lights the fire in a student to pursue a career in chemistry as an adult, or where an outstanding art teacher helps a student learn to appreciate the beauty of art and ignites their creative fire.

Conversely, a teacher who is unavailable, unwilling to hear students out, and unwilling to extend any grace toward students can have a negative impact on a student — especially more sensitive ones.

As was the case with my oldest daughter’s high school biology teacher. 

My sensitive daughter had always taken a keen interest in science, so she (and I) thought biology would be a pleasant experience. We were wrong. Instead of feeling as though her course questions were welcome and her confusion on certain topics was typical, she began to feel as though she was a hindrance to the teacher’s time. Often, when she would ask questions about assignments in class, she would be called out or embarrassed in front of her classmates. In time, this caused her to feel less than competent in the class. She began to doubt her abilities, and she lost trust in her teacher. Her interest in science, as a whole, began to wane. 

The following year, she entered chemistry with a dismal outlook. After a few months, however, this view began to change. Her chemistry teacher took time with her when she had questions, explaining atoms and elements using something that interested her: soccer balls and soccer terms. This teacher’s demonstration of patience and extensions of grace gained her trust and allowed her to know that her sensitive needs were important. She began to thrive in the classroom. Teachers who are patient, kind, and enthusiastic about helping a student learn are vital to a sensitive student’s success.

On average, about 15 percent of a person’s life is spent in school. Teachers are one of the world’s most formidable influences in the lives of the children they teach. Understanding the needs of sensitive students helps to enhance the teacher/student relationship and enables the sensitive student the chance to thrive both in and out of the classroom. Working together with their sensitive students to understand their needs, teachers can help to provide a positive educational experience to be enjoyed by the student and teacher alike. 

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• 7 Things All Highly Sensitive Children Need to Hear
• How to Survive College as a Highly Sensitive Person

The post What Do Sensitive Kids Need from Their Teachers to Succeed? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

The melody of a beautiful song.
The coo of a baby.
The lulling calm of ocean waves.

Many people enjoy these sounds, yet research shows that the sensory processing sensitivity of highly sensitive people (HSPs) often allows beautiful and calming sounds to be appreciated more deeply. An intensified sense of sound is just one of the many amplified sensory experiences HSPs are familiar with. But just as highly sensitive types are able to enjoy deeply soothing sounds more so, we are oftentimes overwhelmed by loud and menacing ones. 

When a person recognizes that they are among the 20 percent (or more) of the population who identify as highly sensitive, they often experience feeling heard, seen, and validated. Learning about being highly sensitive and acknowledging the beauty of our high sensitivity allows us the opportunity to embrace, rather than to reject, the many beautiful things that uniquely make us who we are. And just as we HSPs feel our feelings, we also hear them.      

Yet startling and excessively loud sounds deeply frighten many HSPs. A balloon popping, a car back-firing, fireworks, and a tree falling are all noises that may cause a number of people to startle a bit. But these noises can be especially debilitating for highly sensitive types.

In fact, many HSPs are not only overwhelmed by loud noises, but we are actually frightened by them. When an HSP is regularly frightened by both loud sounds and the possibility of hearing loud noises, they may suffer from a condition known as phonophobia. Phonophobia is a fear of, or aversion to, loud sounds that is classified as a treatable anxiety disorder. 

It is important for highly sensitive people dealing with phonophobia to distinguish it from other hearing disorders, to understand exactly what phonophobia is, to comprehend why it affects them in the way that it does. It’s also necessary to examine what treatment options are available to help manage the condition.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Phonophobia Is Not Tinnitus or Misophonia

While phonophobia is considered a treatable anxiety disorder, it is not a hearing disorder like tinnitus or misophonia. People with tinnitus experience ringing (or other sounds) in one or both ears. And it’s not caused by an external sound, but by an underlying condition, such as hearing loss or issue with their circulatory system.

Misophonia, on the other hand, has to do with noises that are considered “softer sounds”: people chewing, feet tapping, heavy breathing, and the alarm clock buzzing, for example. As a result of their sensory sensitivity, it is not uncommon for HSPs to experience misophonia.

One of the main distinguishing traits between misophonia and phonophobia is the source of the noise. Researchers say that those who struggle with misophonia typically deal with a dislike or intolerance of a specific kind of noise, while those with phonophobia deal with a fear of loud sounds. They may be aware it is coming — or not.  

Although misophonia and phonophobia are classified as two separate ailments, there are rare instances where phonophobia will present as an extreme case of misophonia. This could happen when the anticipation of certain noises (like nails on a chalkboard) causes extreme anxiety or fear. Typically, however, the two are distinguishable.

What Makes Phonophobia Different         

So what, exactly, is phonophobia? Defined, phonophobia is “an intolerance or hypersensitivity to sound; [or]fear of sounds, especially loud, sudden sounds.” According to the fifth Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental DIsorders (DSM-5), the diagnosis of phonophobia includes:

• immediate anxiety that is always caused by the fearful situation
• persistent fear or anxiety surrounding the situation
• fear or anxiety considered disproportionate to the situation
• an interruption of everyday functioning 

A person suffering from phonophobia experiences intense reactions to any type of loud noise, regardless of the cause. Some of the symptoms a person with phonophobia may display include:

• profuse sweating
• panic attacks
• mood swings
• irregular heartbeat

How Does Phonophobia Affect HSPs?

As an HSP, excessive noise can be distressing and overwhelming. When that overwhelm is compounded with fear and anxiety, it can feel like constantly walking around with a vicious animal waiting to pounce on you. You’re never quite sure when you’ll be attacked, but you realize that the possibility is there. Always there. Always lurking.   

For HSPs suffering from phonophobia, this fear is equally as present, and equally as frightening. Two key factors in explaining why HSPs struggle with phonophobia are due to HSPs’ heightened awareness of external stimuli and their tendency to get overwhelmed by conflict and confusion. For example, due to our heightened sense of hearing, we HSPs have an uncanny ability to hear background “noise” that others cannot — like that ticking of a clock, buzzing of an air conditioner, or that person whispering across the room. These may all be overlooked by non-sensitive people, but these noises can cause HSPs to become agitated and aggravated. And, of course, loud noises overwhelm and stress out HSPs more so than non-sensitive types, everything from an explosion on TV to the anticipation of loud sounds, like fireworks.   

In addition to causing anxiety, overstimulation caused by phonophobia can affect HSPs’ moods in other ways, too. When an HSP becomes overwhelmed due to sensory overload, it can lead to overstimulation. This overstimulation can affect our moods, causing irritability and frustration. This frustration and irritability can be misinterpreted by our friends and family as anger, or a similar negative emotion. Since HSPs crave connection and try, at best, to avoid conflict, these misunderstandings can contribute to an already frustrating experience. When this happens, the noise around us is amplified by the noise in our heads. Thus, the conflict caused by misunderstanding turns up the volume — both internally and externally. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Treatment for Phonophobia

The good news is that phonophobia is considered a treatable anxiety disorder. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy are two treatment options available to help those suffering with phonophobia to be able to overcome and possibly conquer their fears.

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): In CBT, the focus is on changing the negative thoughts contributing to the anxiety surrounding the phobia. CBT focuses on changing thought patterns and enlists a multitude of strategies, from having someone become aware of their mental distortions to journaling to using relaxation techniques. These all attempt to shift the overall mindset surrounding fear.

• Exposure therapy: During exposure therapy, an individual — with the guidance of a therapist/counselor — faces their fears and anxieties in a safe and controlled environment. This exposure can be done in both imaginary or real-life scenarios. This type of treatment reduces the feelings of fear and anxiety by slowly introducing triggers that typically would escalate a phobic episode.

What Steps Can an HSP Take to Self-Manage Phonophobia?

There are also options available for HSPs who would like to try to self-manage phonophobia. It is important to note that these methods do not take the place of therapeutic treatments, but they can be effective along with these treatments. This way, HSPs can use these tools to identify phonophobia triggers and the factors contributing to their increased anxiety. 

• White noise machines project frequencies at equal intensities and are able to mask loud sounds that stimulate the brain and add to anxiety. The sound is given off at a level that helps block out loud noises and quiet the mind. Quieting environmental noise could benefit a person with phonophobia by dimming the volume of the sounds around them. For instance, the Relax Melodies app has everything from piano music to the sound of rain.

• Noise-cancelling earbuds or headphones can help to drown out the ambient noise of the outside world that can overwhelm HSPs and be a trigger for phonophobia. Be mindful of using earbuds or headphones when in busy areas, though, so that you do not compromise your personal safety.  

• HSPs long for connection and thrive when we are able to have open, honest, and deep conversations with our family and friends. An HSP dealing with phonophobia is presented with an opportunity to connect with their support systems, by communicating with them about their struggle, what their triggers are, and how they could best be supported. Living in constant fear of loud noises can be exhausting, and it helps when we are able to discuss our fears with those in our trusted inner circle who are willing to try to help us find solutions.

• Relaxation techniques, such as mindfulness and meditation, can also be helpful when combined with other courses of treatment. Employing breathing techniques, body scans, and mindset meditations can help reduce an HSP’s anxious mind. These tactics enable us to make a roadmap to aid us in calming down and working through our fears.

HSPs’ senses are more astute than those of their non-sensitive friends. Smells affect us more strongly, we can see and appreciate beauty on a deeper level, and we are able to hear things that others sometimes cannot. An intensified sense of hearing can oftentimes be beneficial — like when it comes to hearing a child crying or calling for their parent, or when an animal is in pain and others cannot hear its cries. 

There are, however, instances in which too many sounds can be too much for HSPs. For some sensitive folks, it is not just the ability to hear more, but the unfortunate instance in which we fear certain loud sounds. If you feel as though you may be suffering from phonophobia and have tried unsuccessfully to address it, it may be time to reach out to a medical professional. Help is available for you to live a more balanced and fearless life, and for you to begin enjoying the sound(s) of beauty once again.

You might like:

• 7 Ordinary Sounds That Overwhelm Me as an HSP
• These 21 Things Stress Out Highly Sensitive People the Most
• 16 Ways to Calm the Heck Down When You’re a Highly Sensitive Overthinker

The post Phonophobia Is the Intense Fear of Loud Noises, and It’s Real — Especially for HSPs appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Throughout the pandemic, my highly sensitive friends and I have communicated regularly to maintain our connections, as well as our sanity. 

Lately, we’ve been discussing the things about our partners that we feel add depth and longevity to our relationships — especially because some of us are spending a lot of time with our significant others these days.

It got me thinking, and I compiled a list of top things we highly sensitive people (HSPs) love in a partner. Whether you’re highly sensitive, or you’re in a relationship with a highly sensitive person, check it out and see how many hit home. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner

1. Honesty (really is) the best policy — always.

For a relationship with an HSP to be successful, it is important that honesty be a cornerstone of the relationship. 

Lies, in general, are damaging. But when a highly sensitive person finds out they have been lied to or deceived, the results can be even more devastating. Already prone to overthinking, an HSP can ruminate endlessly over a lie they’ve been told (big or small), mentally trying to decipher their role in causing their partner to bend the truth. 

2. Steady does it — HSPs like stability; they’re not great in relationship situations where the dynamics are constantly changing.

HSPs do not fare well in toxic relationships or in situations where the dynamics are constantly changing (especially too quickly). Teeter-tottering on a relational see-saw is not appealing. 

When we become accustomed to seeing consistent and steady growth and development within a relationship, and then suddenly that growth is halted, our spidey-senses are alerted.  

We need to be able to think through, understand, and digest any changes within the dynamics of our relationship. For an HSP, stability doesn’t equal boredom — stability equals the homeostasis our sensitive minds need.  

3. Laughter is the best medicine — it can help calm an HSP’s overwhelmed mood.

HSPs become overwhelmed easily, which leads to becoming emotional. 

But this is where laughter comes in. It can help ground an HSP and lighten their dismal moods. Partners who can wriggle a smile out of their HSP significant other — particularly during an especially stressful situation — charge their lives with a bolt of joy, and this joy is an emotional gift. 

When I’m extremely overwhelmed, I bake as a coping mechanism. So, when my husband comes home and I’ve made chocolate chip cookies, a pound cake, and a pie, he immediately knows why. 

He will then look at me and begin rolling his eyes while rubbing his stomach, like Chrissy from Three’s Company. Every time, it causes me to forget my stressors and smile.  

4. Since HSPs tend to get hangry, it helps when their partners are aware of this (and they may even have a snack at the ready).

A humorous depiction of a hangry (hungry + angry) highly sensitive person can be found in a series of commercials advertising a Snickers candy bar. The commercials show an actor portraying a hungry person behaving badly, and then eating the candy bar. Miraculously, after eating it, the actor morphs back into their “regular” self and is reminded that “they’re not themselves when they’re hungry.” 

This commercial could be the introduction to a Hangry HSPs for Dummies book. HSPs become hangry easily. When an HSP misses a meal, our mood, behavior, decision-making ability, and comprehension are affected.  

So HSPs love partners who can sense when they’re on the verge of becoming hangry.

My husband keeps a bag of almonds in his car and also in his backpack. He will gently offer them to me when he sees “Hangry Neisha” rearing her head; even more than fill my stomach, this fills my heart.

5. A verbal safe haven: HSPs thrive in relationships where they feel seen, heard, and valued.

Since highly sensitive people feel things more deeply than most, their feelings often get hurt more quickly than others’.   

HSPs thrive in relationships where they feel seen, heard, and valued. When a partner validates an HSP’s words and feelings — and without judgment or condescension — it’s very gratifying. When I am able to tell my husband that he has hurt my feelings, and he seeks to understand how I was hurt and how we can avoid this in the future, I feel seen and cherished.

Open and honest communication serves as a catalyst for growth within a relationship, and HSPs find a safe haven with partners who encourage such communication.  

6. Listening for comprehension, not just for the sake of listening.

We HSPs also love when our partners actively listen to our words.  

To have someone listen to what you’re saying — with a focus on understanding and not just on replying — is golden. Seeing your partner’s responsive body language, noticing that they are paying attention to you, and not being interrupted by them are all indicators that they are indeed listening to truly comprehend what you are saying. 

To an HSP, this type of listening says, “I fully acknowledge you and what you’re saying.  I understand that what you’re saying is important.You are important to me, and I want to comprehend what you are saying so that I can help meet your emotional needs.”

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

7. Understanding the need for clear, distinct boundaries — both as a couple and individually.

If our relationships are to thrive, it is important that we have discussions that establish boundaries relating to us personally, as well as to our relationships. This is particularly important since some HSPs struggle with codependency. 

When both partners express their needs, wants, and feelings — and agree to respect personal and relational boundaries — it adds to the continued success of the relationship. 

For instance, my husband understands that I grew up in a home where arguments escalated into shouting matches, and I don’t respond well when he raises his voice. So he tries to make sure our conversations are conducted in a mutually respectful manner.

8. Someone who knows how to have an authentic connection — they like deep conversations about feelings, emotions, and aspirations.

Superficial relationships made up of small talk hold no value to highly sensitive people. 

Instead, we love for our partners to be able to talk about feelings, emotions, dreams, and aspirations. I remember my husband telling me about the dream home he wished to build for our family, and I vividly remember seeing the passion and vigor in his eyes. Understanding how vulnerable he allowed himself to be was a very intimate moment for the two of us. 

Intimacy for a highly sensitive person is often far more emotional than it is physical. And, in order to form meaningful, lasting connections with an HSP, it is imperative to be willing to explore areas of conversation which lead to a lasting bond. 

9. They understand that HSPs need time alone to recharge (and they don’t take it personally).

Since HSPs get mentally and emotionally flooded from the constant stimuli around them, it’s important for them to have the ability to seek solitude to recharge, whether that means reading a book or taking a nap. (This is where an HSP sanctuary can come in handy!)

Partners of HSPs understand that their need for solitude is not a rejection of the time and affection they may offer. Instead, it’s what HSPs must do so they can fully receive and enjoy the time and affection their partners want to give them … later.

We enjoy giving and receiving love once we are recharged, and we need a partner who is able to not only understand our need for quiet time, but who encourages us to seek this solace. 

10. The willingness to seek help: they are open to resolving issues that come up.

Being highly sensitive allows me to not only be more in tune with my surroundings, but also absorb others’ emotions as though they’re my own (for better or worse). I also love that I can gauge temperature shifts within my close relationships, especially my marriage.  

Whether a shift is due to something my husband is experiencing, or whether it’s due to something with me — such as my anxiety — noting that something had changed has allowed us to seek counseling, research solutions, and work through issues together. 

His willingness to work with me to find solutions has been key to demonstrating his support for both me and our relationship.

11. Patience — since an HSP’s partner may not be an HSP themselves.

Most non-sensitive people don’t go into relationships with HSPs understanding what it means to be highly sensitive, so a key component in a healthy relationship with an HSP is patience.

In the beginning of our dating relationship, my husband would get frustrated with my inability to “relax and enjoy our relationship” (true story, his words). He had to be patient and learn that, as an HSP, I analyze — and overanalyze — everything. It wasn’t until I was (sort of) satisfied with my analysis (so to speak) that I felt safe enough to go all-in with our relationship. 

We must practice the patience it takes to learn triggers, understand each others’ reactions to things, and how to operate in a way that more positively affects our relationship.

12. They embrace the differences and see the beauty in them.

My husband and I are quite different. He is an extrovert, and I am not. He thrives with crowds and noise, and I do not. He is not highly sensitive, and I am. 

What almost 15 years of marriage has shown us, however, is that rejecting our differences could eventually destroy our relationship. Instead, accepting that we are wired differently has made a huge difference in the way we operate within our marriage. 

Sometimes that looks like just the two of us going out to dinner together (he gets to have the social aspect of being out, and I get to have the benefit of an intimate dinner). Other times, that compromise looks like him going to meet a group of friends while I happily stay at home to read or write.       

Rather than expect him to be more like me or me to be more like him, we accept one another as we are. We have learned to celebrate the beauty in our differences, and the face of our marriage continues to adapt to this acceptance. 

Highly sensitive people want our partners to love us because of our high sensitivity, not in spite of it — it is an opportunity to amplify the uniqueness of our love. Allow your (or your partner’s) high sensitivity to add substance to your relationship and build upon what you have established.

You might like:

• How to Love a Highly Sensitive Person
• 10 Things You Should Know About Being in a Relationship With an HSP
• 7 Ways to Turn Your High Sensitivity Into the Advantage It Is

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

The first encounter most people have with my daughters is watching them run up and down the soccer field or basketball court. Seeing them playing their respective sports with such confidence and self-assurance may cause some to question how they could possibly identify as part of the nearly 30 percent of the population who consider themselves highly sensitive. But, they do. And I believe that their sensitivity is one of their superpowers.

While there are trademark characteristics of being an HSP — from the way they empathize with others to the way they pick up on subtle nuances — not every HSP demonstrates their sensitivity in the exact same way. Trust me, as a sensitive person myself, I know!

Sensitivity Looks Different From Child to Child

For my 20-year-old collegiate soccer player, a part of being highly sensitive looks like putting her game face on and competing against high-level opposition, then retreating to her room to recharge from the mental energy expended from being around so many people.  

Being highly sensitive for my 14-year-daughter, on the other hand, means playing point guard on her basketball team, then spending hours post game ruminating over whether her tone in speaking to her teammates was perceived as disrespectful. Although able to compete at a high level, she cannot turn off her need to please those around her and to preserve and care for their feelings.

Being able to perform at a high level is extremely important to both of my daughters, and this desire carries through to every area of their lives. Though their personalities are markedly different, they both strive to succeed in all aspects of life: in the classroom, in sports, and in friendships, for example. 

As a parent, it has been thrilling to watch as my daughters explore, and continue to discover, tools that enhance their journeys in life. My highly sensitive children have found ways to not only survive in life, but to live fulfilling lives in which they are able to thrive.  As a highly sensitive mother, I’m happy to share some of these tools with you.

3 Ways Highly Sensitive Children Can Thrive in Life

1. HSP children thrive when offered creative outlets to enhance their experiences and to help temper their feelings.

Many HSPs are creatives. And while many would attribute the word “creative” to primarily art or musical talents, creativity is not limited solely to these arenas. In fact, creativity can be demonstrated in so many other ways.

For my daughters, creativity is expressed on the basketball court and soccer field.

Both of my girls were gifted with my husband’s athletic ability and build, and they have both used those characteristics to their benefit. As I mentioned, my oldest daughter is a Division I college soccer player, and my youngest is on Elite Level teams in both basketball and soccer. While their sports acumen is unattainable to me from a physical standpoint, it is equally as remarkable from a mental standpoint.

A high-level athlete’s ability to be creative within their sport is comparable to a high-level musician’s ability to compose a beautiful musical piece. In order for high-level athletes to perform optimally, it is vital that they possess both game intelligence and tactical creativity. Something that differentiates artistic/musical creativity from athletic creativity is timing. While a musician or artist typically searches for — and creates — new ideas, athletes often find themselves in positions in which they must develop opportunities from already existing options depending on current conditions. Athletic creativity often happens on a dime, in the blink of an eye.

Highly sensitive athletes, such as my daughters, are extremely creative in their sports and are great teammates. Highly sensitive people make exceptional leaders and team members, due in large part to their consideration of the team as a whole and not just their individual success. HSP are the true embodiment of the statement “There is no ‘I’ in team,” and they are eager to utilize crafty and creative methods within the framework of a game or match to contribute to the ultimate goal of the team: Victory.

2. HSP children thrive when given the freedom to determine the direction of their own social experience in school environments.

Being highly sensitive is not a “one-size-fits-all” type of situation. Not all HSPs will experience or display sensitivity in the same manner. Some will demonstrate certain characteristics of being highly sensitive while not displaying others. It is important to allow each highly sensitive child to feel their own way through life experiences to figure out what feels best for them. (And if HSPs know how to do one thing, it’s feel all the feelings!)

There are few areas of life that speak more clearly to this point than an HSP’s experiences in school.

Of course, there are areas that sensitive students behave similarly regarding school. For instance, most HSPs aren’t huge fans of group projects, preferring, instead, to work alone. Additionally, sometimes the slower pace of school can be boring to an HSP, as their creativity and intuitiveness may cause them to crave deeper content than what is being offered in the classroom.

I made the mistake of assuming that the educational experience for both of my daughters would be exactly the same, and that I could just follow the blueprint I’d developed for my first daughter with my second. Let me just tell you: I was sadly mistaken. 

My oldest daughter found the deep connections HSPs seek within the walls of the school building. These friendships were often formed after she would quickly complete her assignments and begin talking to her friends, not understanding that her classmates had not yet completed their assignments. Because she was in a smaller school, she was very familiar with her classmates and extremely comfortable during small-group or one-on-one conversations with them. Teachers tried, repeatedly, to move her desk to a different area, thinking she would be moved “away from her friends”; however, that didn’t work. Relocating her desk next to a new person only caused her to seek deep friendship with the new neighbor. 

My youngest daughter, on the other hand, is content to maintain one or two friendships throughout the entire school. To be clear, she’s friendly and kind to everyone — but while her big sister easily talks with her close-knit, small group of classmates regularly, she was busy being intentional with her very best friends.

So, while most highly sensitive children’s school experience in the social realm would be more like my youngest daughter, it is possible for some HSPs to thrive in environments where they are friendly and communicate more freely, like my older daughter. Again, there is no one-size-fits-all method. 

3. HSP children thrive when given the freedom to try on different coping mechanisms to find their best fit. 

It took me 40 years of living as an HSP to figure out what helped me to most effectively cope with symptoms of overwhelm, stress, anxiety, and stimulus overload. There are so many different mechanisms available to help deal with negative emotions and experiences, including journaling, meditation, grounding, therapy, music, and exercise, to name a few. Sometimes, one method will work, but then there are times when it takes a certain “coping cocktail” in order to bring a highly sensitive mind back into a state of homeostasis.  

My cocktail of choice consists of a mixture of exercise, meditation, journaling, and talk therapy. But in the same way my perfume smells differently on my daughters than it does on me, my coping mechanisms fit them differently — and sometimes not at all.

At a young 20 years old, my oldest daughter has discovered that when she is feeling especially overwhelmed, some combination of talk therapy, music therapy, and meditation help to bring her back to a calm and functional state. When she was growing up, I used to think she was putting on loud music just to drown me out… when, in fact, she was using music to help change, amplify, or moderate her mood. She has discovered that music helps her create space for expression and emotion, especially when she lacks the words to share her feelings.

Conversely, after three different talk therapists, my 14-year-old let me know that she was simply not a fan of talk therapy. Her highly sensitive mind will not allow her to open up to who she considers a “stranger,” so she does not reap the same benefits as her older sister. This is very similar to their interactions with classmates in school.

What we have found to work, however, is exercise therapy. Our family has an amazing physical therapist who has worked with both of my daughters through injuries, as well as for preventative measures. My youngest daughter has an easy-going rapport with her and willingly talks to her about life “stuff” during their sessions. So, rather than spend money on a talk therapist every two weeks, we allow her to meet with her physical therapist every two weeks to clear her mind, as well as work on strengthening her body. 

What works for one HSP child may not work for all, so be mindful of finding the path that fits best with each of your children individually.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Encourage Your Children to Use Their Sensitivity as a Guiding Force, Not a Roadblock

HSPs are tasked with both learning about how our sensitivities present, and also figuring out  how to traverse the world of high sensitivity. It has been an honor watching as my daughters have made the decision to not allow being highly sensitive control their abilities to excel in life. But, rather, use their highly sensitive qualities to their benefit and allow those qualities to be more guiding forces — vs. roadblocks — to their success. 

It has always been interesting to me knowing that both of my children are sensitive, but seeing how the sensitivity presents differently. For instance, in sports, my oldest daughter is extremely aggressive, very confident in her abilities, and extremely self-assured. Meanwhile, my youngest daughter does not take compliments easily, is often embarrassed when she’s put in the spotlight, and would much rather her team receive positive accolades than her personally. She is the picture of humility. 

Still, they both have figured out how to work with their sensitivity and to excel. 

• They have figured out how to cope in a world that can be too fast and too loud.
• They have discovered how to find a balance between allowing themselves to succeed and not consider that success as being a competition with anyone except for themselves.
• They have accepted that being highly sensitive contributes to, and enhances, their lives and life experiences in every arena, from sports teams to friendships to academics.

And they excel…

And they fail…

And they pick themselves up and offer their best the very next time… again and again and again.

They are highly sensitive, and they are superheroes — and they will always be my superwomen.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• 7 Things All Highly Sensitive Children Need to Hear
• What Sensitive Students Need From Their Teachers

The post How Highly Sensitive Children Can Thrive in Life appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I love deeply, thrive in and yearn for meaningful connections in relationships, and often put caring for others before caring for myself. 

But, when I do make time for myself — something I’ve gotten better at lately — one thing I have introduced, consistently, into my self-care practice is journaling. And it has made a huge difference. 

Journaling drastically changed my life and the way I approach challenging situations. Through journaling, I am able to pour out my emotions, thoughts, and fears without judgment or condemnation. When reflecting back on old journal entries, I am able to see how I’ve grown emotionally and how my ability to handle situations has evolved. Additionally, my journal offers me a tangible resource, dedicated solely to what I’m feeling, to consult as I navigate this world as a highly sensitive person. 

When I first began journaling, I would just pick up a pen and paper and write. I had no topic or direction, just me and the words. I was convinced I was doing it “wrong”: This is too simplistic, I would tell myself. I’ve got to be missing something, I would muse. 

But I’ve learned that there isn’t a wrong way to journal. One reason journaling is considered self-care is that you get to “self-choose” which method you’d like to employ. Here are nine you can choose from.

9 Types of Journaling Perfect for Highly Sensitive People

1. Gratitude journals

Gratitude journals are journals that chronicle what you are grateful for — they help us focus on the positive aspects of our lives, both big and small (which comes naturally to us HSPs already!). 

Easily overwhelmed by external and internal stressors, HSPs can greatly benefit from having an outlet to aid us in shifting our perspectives and accentuating the good in our lives. In doing so, our mood and emotions will shift toward positivity. We can be grateful for anything from our morning cup of coffee to the bright, sunny day to having a job that we love.

Research has found that there are also health benefits of keeping a gratitude journal, from increased happiness to being less likely to experience burnout.

2. Prayer/devotional journals

Prayer and devotional journals are intended to increase one’s spiritual awareness and deepen their spiritual journey. Typically, they follow the same format, regardless of what religion the journal is based in: there is a scripture, passage, or quote for the day, and then the reader is given the opportunity to reflect and write in the pages of the journal. 

Prayer journaling can also be done by writing out daily prayers. This allows you to transcribe concerns and worries onto paper, and begin formulating a plan to work through them.  

At the beginning of the year, I began using a prayer journal, My Prayer Journey, that was gifted to me. The first prayer I wrote was “Lord, help me to live more intentionally in thought and in action.” Reading back over this prayer reminds me to act and speak with purpose. 

Prayer and devotional journals allow the writer to delve deeper into their religious teachings, and provide an opportunity for a person to see how much they have learned and how far they have come in their religious journey and growth.

3. Free writing journaling

Free writing journaling (FWJ) is a very popular form of journaling. In this style, you set a period of time (like 15 minutes) and you spend that designated time writing down your thoughts. 

One main draw to free writing journaling is its uncensored nature. There is no right or wrong way to write and no specified topics on which to write. The goal is not to follow a prescribed set of “dos” or “don’ts.” When free writing, you are not editing the words you put down — you are just allowing them to flow. It can be a great way to declutter the mind.

4. Vision journals

Many highly sensitive people are also creatives. We see beauty where others may not, and we need a safe space to create. We yearn to shift vision into action.

Vision journaling can help you plan out your overarching goals — similar to how dream/vision boards can. For example, last year I set a goal to begin writing down and collecting my personal recipes so that I can eventually write a cookbook. Using a vision journal, I wrote the goal down, then I wrote out small steps (such as “Write out one recipe per week”) toward completion of my goal. As an added incentive, I included titles of some of my favorite cookbooks for inspiration. 

It is fulfilling to watch my journal pages fill up with notecards of my recipes as I work toward my ultimate goal.  

5. Dream journals

HSPs have vivid imaginations, which leads to vivid dreams. Dream journals allow you to record your dreams by writing them down — or even recording them onto your phone. This offers you the opportunity to analyze your dreams, attempt to work through some unresolved issues, and then put effort into resolving them during waking hours.

Those who utilize dream journaling report having the ability to, over time, give insight into their minds during sleep. In this way, people are able to have some control over the “story” (or fears, or realizations) told to them in their dreams. 

Dream journals have many other benefits, too, from helping you reduce stress to helping you problem-solve.

6. Morning Pages

The concept of Morning Pages originates from The Artist’s Way by Julian Cameron. In her book, she describes Morning Pages as “three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning.” 

Morning Pages include anything that comes to mind, from what you’re going to have for breakfast to how you’re feeling about the important conversation you and your significant other are having later. Morning Pages “provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize, and synchronize the day at hand,” Cameron says in her book. 

This type of journaling can be especially helpful for HSPs, as decompressing first thing in the morning is a great healing practice for the highly sensitive mind and can help us prepare for all the stimuli we’ll encounter in the day ahead.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

7. Line-a-day/five-year journals

For a more time-efficient style of journaling, line-a-day journals are an ideal practice: you literally write down just one line per day about a significant occurrence or thought, such as: “Today was the day I decided to believe I AM enough” or “Finally got my dream job as a (paid) writer!”

I spoke to certified counselor Betsey McGuire and she said she’s a fan of line-a-day journaling due to its ease and efficacy. “This type of journaling doesn’t lend itself to drifting into novel-like entries where the writer places emphasis on style rather than substance,” she told me. 

What’s more, line-a-day journaling helps people process complicated thoughts and emotions succinctly, which can greatly benefit us HSPs. Line-a-day journals are also commonly referred to as five-year journals. This offers us the opportunity to read over our entries and reflect back on our thoughts and emotions from years’ past. Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project One-Sentence Journal: A Five-Year Record, is a popular example of this type of journal. 

8. Bullet journaling

Bullet journaling is an organized way to combine artistic expression, planning, and journaling.  Done by ways of “to-do” or “tasks” lists, bullet journaling is great for individuals who are results-oriented and who thrive when they are checking things off of their “to-do” lists, such as “Do new workout,” “Complete homework,” or “Meditate for at least 10 minutes.”

Bullet journaling is a more structured style of journaling in which the writer can create different sections for different things, like tasks, goals, notes, and events in a grid notebook. Each entry can be done in short sentence or list form, then checked off the list.

9. Video journaling

Social media influencers have increased the popularity of video journaling over the last few years, as they openly share their lives and experiences on their video journal or vlogs.

Video journaling can, however, be introduced into a self-care practice without welcoming the world’s critiques: it can be for your eyes only. It is beneficial to individuals who would like to journal, but who are disinterested in writing down their thoughts. For some, it is easier to grab a phone or camera and record the expression of thoughts and experiences.

Video journaling presents a paperless option with the same cathartic release and benefits that more traditional journaling methods offer.  

Getting Started Journaling: Figure Out Which Method Works Best for You

Journaling is one of the best ways to practice self-care — it prioritizes you, your goals, and your accomplishments. It allows you to celebrate the big and small triumphs, and to lament when needed. According to McGuire, it’s not the how of journaling that matters, but the act of doing it at all.  

“Journaling is helpful in just getting out the ‘stuff’ that must get out. [It] is a fairly painless, cheap way to address your feelings … wade through them, and come out of the other side better for it.  If the “stuff” doesn’t come out in a healthy manner, it threatens to manifest in unhealthy ways, such as anger, overeating, or toxic self-medicating.”

Journaling is an inexpensive investment into yourself which positively affects your mindset, habits, level of self-esteem, and productivity. And, as an HSP, staying grounded through journaling is more important than ever — and such an easy way to do so! It is well worth looking into which method works best for you. Your mind, body, and soul will thank you!

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• How Journaling Helps You Make Sense of Your Emotions as an HSP
• Why HSPs Should Journal Their Way Through Difficult Times
• The Difference Between the Highly Sensitive Brain and the ‘Typical’ Brain

The post 9 Types of Journaling Perfect for Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Being a parent means answering questions all day, every day. All the questions, all the time. When my daughters were little: Mommy, where do babies come from? Mommy, back in your day, did they have multiple TV channels? Now that they’re ages 13 and 20, the questions no longer live in the land of cute and funny. As a mother of brown girls, here’s my reality: my daughters’ questions are less about what it’s like when you grow up, and more about whether they will survive to grow up at all:

Mommy, why do you get so nervous when Daddy gets pulled over by the police?

There is nothing about my daughters that I find threatening. I don’t worry about them committing violent crimes. I don’t worry about them hurting other people. When I look at my babies, I see women who may surely get into trouble, but it will be “good trouble,” to quote the late Rep. John Lewis. I see two people who are destined to have a positive impact on the world.

Unfortunately, America doesn’t always see my babies in the same way. When these two young women come to me — their highly sensitive parent — with questions about race, systemic racism, inequality, and social injustice, I often fall short. Or at least I feel like I do. You see, like most mothers, when my children hurt, I hurt. But as a highly sensitive woman, that hurt cuts a little deeper.

If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you already know that we tend to feel things deeply; very deeply. We also have a knack for absorbing others’ emotions as though they’re our own, which is exactly what I do when it comes to my daughters.

Being a highly sensitive Black woman is a journey in and of itself. Being a highly sensitive Black woman who is also a mother? Welcome aboard the ride! In my efforts to answer their tough questions, I reopen wounds of my own. I choose to get on the proverbial hamster wheel knowing full well how the ride ends — with me feeling mentally and emotionally flooded, utterly exhausted, and in dire need of solitary quiet time to recharge. 

Just in time for the next round of questions.

It can be tough helping my kids muck through this world that they love, but that the nightly news regularly causes them to believe doesn’t love them back. There is no handbook that tells you how to go about answering tough questions dealing with racial issues. But through trial and error, I’ve found a few tools that work for me.

4 Tips On How to Answer Your Children’s Tough Questions Dealing With Racial Issues

1. Answer questions age-appropriately, but honestly — even if it stings.

My girls and I have an understanding: Honesty always. If I ask them a question, I expect an honest answer, even if it stings a bit. Likewise, if they ask me a question, they should be able to receive an honest, though age-appropriate, answer back. 

When my 20-year-old asks a question, I try to meet her where she’s at emotionally, so as not to force her to confront issues that she may not be ready for. I use a 13-year-old measuring stick, on the other hand, when discussing issues with my youngest daughter. 

I place emphasis on the fact that no question is more or less important than another. Plus, you know how HSPs tend to be introspective; it’s one of our many strengths. If there is uncertainty, there is room for growth. And in our home, growth is encouraged. I view answering questions as an opportunity on many levels:  

• An opportunity to give my children an answer that hasn’t been clouded by the opinions of the world. I know how receiving false information (and then finding out the truth of it later) can cut sensitive me to the core, so I am unwilling to place my kids in that situation. 

• An opportunity to further bond. There is something to be said about knowing you can rely on your people, and our honest discussions continue to develop trust and grow our relationship.  

• An opportunity to be a living demonstration of positive possibilities, even after discussing some of the more negative options. No matter what is going on in the world out there, in the space that we are cultivating, I have a window of time to offer peace, comfort, acceptance, understanding, hope, and empowerment. 

2. Look at “the talk” as an ongoing conversation.

In most brown and Black households, I think there is a point in time that “the talk” takes place. While in the past, “the talk” was a rite of passage of Black and brown boys, it has become increasingly necessary to have “the talk” with brown and Black girls. 

“The talk” is a laundry list of information to help our children not be viewed as threats, unjustly accused of crimes, or coined as troublemakers. A few examples of what “the talk” covers: what to do when/if you’re pulled over by the police, how to carry yourself in public places, and how to answer questions from “authority figures” so you don’t seem argumentative or confrontational. 

“The talk” is not bulletproof and does not guarantee the safety or well-being of my children, but it is one of the only instruments I have to equip them with basic survival skills to help them make it home at the end of the night. 

Because times change, in our home, “the talk” isn’t a one-time thing. It is better described as “the conversation.” We are committed to having ongoing dialogue so that as questions arise, my daughters are comfortable asking them. 

• When they want to ask how a man can go for a jog and be shot, it is discussed.  
• When they want to ask how a police officer can burst into your home unannounced and kill you as you sleep in your bed, it is discussed. 
• When they want to understand how a man could lay on the ground for 8 minutes and 46 seconds while saying “I can’t breathe,” — or how Black protesters are treated differently than white protesters — it is discussed. 

We keep talking, and we will talk until there is nothing left to discuss.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

3. Normalize their feelings and offer a sense of control.

As an HSP who has personal experience with anxiety, I’ve learned that the situations I operate best in are those in which I feel I have some semblance of control. It took many years to learn that, while I cannot control others, I can focus on controlling my responses to my environments, on identifying my triggers, and on making a personal plan to move forward. I’ve tried to save my girls some of the agony I’ve experienced and pass on that understanding so that they are emotionally equipped from a young age to handle difficult situations.  

My goal is to validate their feelings and foster a feeling of agency. I strive to allow them the space to feel what they feel, and when they are unsure about what they’re feeling, I hold space for them until they figure it out. Instead of taking on the role of “fixer,” I allow them to tell me what they need from me, so that they can feel in control of themselves. 

My oldest daughter plays collegiate soccer, and this season she decided to kneel during the national anthem in solidarity with Black men and women who have been — and continue to be — affected by police brutality. As we talked through her decision, she felt anxiety wondering how she would be perceived by her coaches and teammates. She did not want to be labeled as “un-American” or as a troublemaker, yet she wanted to use her platform. 

More than anything, I wanted to tell her what to do: to fix it. Instead, I emphasized how normal it was for her to not know what to do. We talked about her fears, her motivations, and her goal in kneeling. By allowing herself to stay present and to feel her feelings, she was able to stay true to herself. And while the decision may have been unpopular among some, she was secure enough in her feelings and in her decision to stand by it.  

4. Partner up to target solutions, not just problems.

Something I’ve learned as a parent, especially as a highly sensitive parent, is that we can discuss problems for hours on end, but until we discuss solutions, we remain stagnant. And as any HSP probably knows, stagnancy is a house we cannot stand to live in. Still, I always make sure my girls understand that discussing solutions does not mean we are going to be able to fix a problem completely. It does mean, however, that we use what we have to try to effect change.  

I’m clear with my daughters that they cannot end racism by themselves. I encourage them to use their resources — their minds, their time, their individual platforms — to educate themselves and those they encounter about the racism that still exists. Rather than sit by and wait for the change, they can actively choose to BE the change. As their HSP mother, I feel compelled to not just support them, but to get in the trenches with them and DO. THE. WORK. My girls and I have protested together, we’ve read together, we’ve posted social media messages together, we’ve talked to friends — both white and non-white — about the state of our nation. All together.

We will continue to put in the time. 

We will continue to get in “good trouble.” 

And always, always, we will continue to be open to hard conversations and tackle all the questions, all the time. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 5 Things I Teach My Kids as a Highly Sensitive Parent
• Sensitive Black Women Are Strong Black Women
• Here’s What No One Tells You About Being a Highly Sensitive Black Woman

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Answer Your Children’s Tough Questions About Race as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.