When you search “peace” on Google images, you see gorgeous sunsets, beautiful beaches, flying doves, and people with their arms spread wide in joy. 

Those images are lovely, and viewing them might promote calmness — but to me, they’re a bit of an illusion. I know this because I’ve been in picture-perfect environments while still feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or discontent. 

In real life, I see peace as an inner state. It’s being able to breathe without tightness in your chest, to let the day go — to see the good in the moment and just exist for a while. That might sound simple, but too few of us feel true contentment. Modern life can make it really hard sometimes. 

And if you’re a fellow highly sensitive person (HSP), you probably understand the struggle well. Because HSPs are so perceptive to the world, it can feel overwhelming in endless ways. We absorb the devastation of a grieving family on the news or the anger of someone’s passionate social media post. At the same time, we can’t ignore that scratchy tag on a new shirt or stop ruminating about a critical comment from a coworker that happened yesterday. When you’re sensitive to any stimuli, peace and calm can feel just out of reach. 

(Are you an HSP? Here are 21 signs that you’re a highly sensitive person.)

I’ve spent a lot of my life seeking calm. Thankfully, I now know what it feels like on a (mostly) daily basis. Here are some of the ways I maintain peace in this world (and hopefully you can, too) as an HSP.

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6 Ways to Feel More at Peace in the World as an HSP

1. Learn what it means to be an HSP and embrace it.

The more you read about HSPs, the better you’ll understand yourself and your needs. Learning from others’ experiences also reminds you that you’re not alone. Many HSPs — before realizing they’re HSPs — spend a long time feeling different from everyone else. But recognizing you’re part of a fantastic community — and among the 20 percent of the population who are HSPs — can bring a lot of peace.

According to a study in the Journal of Research in Personality, lonely young adults had more anxiety, fear of judgment, and other negative moods compared to non-lonely adults.

Basically, we feel more anxiety when we think we’re alone in our feelings. And anxiety equals a lack of peace. 

So, surround yourself with information that normalizes your sensitivity. Read up on the signs of being an HSP, common HSP problems, and things that bring HSPs joy. Dr. Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, is also a great place to start.

2. Prioritize calming activities you enjoy, like listening to soothing music or taking a walk.

It might seem obvious that you should do things you enjoy, but there’s a reason I mention it. Too many of us put off doing what brings us peace and calm. Whether we feel obligated to complete chores, work longer hours, or forgo our downtime for others’ needs (which is common among HSPs), it’s easy to put our own requirements on the backburner. And, over time, that takes a toll.   

For HSPs, putting off hobbies is costly to our mental health. Since we are natural people-pleasers, we can quickly become flustered, anxious, and stressed from overbooking. And for an HSP, “overbooking” might involve much less than non-HSPs. For example, I need regular free time each day or else I stay in a heightened state of anxiety.

For me, calming activities are reading and playing video games. Quiet mornings or evenings with a good book tell my HSP brain that everything’s okay and make life’s stressors easier. I used to feel as if I didn’t deserve to take time for these things because they weren’t “productive.” But, now, I realize that rest is productive because it’s crucial for overall health. And since HSP brains rarely rest — even when we’re resting — it’s even more important for us to make time for ourselves.

All that to say, make time for the things you enjoy. Perhaps make a list of three things that bring you peace. What turns off your mind or feels like a secure refuge from the world? What makes you happy? (And it’s okay if these things seem small to others. HSPs tend to favor low-key activities, like listening to soothing music, being in nature, chilling with pets, sewing, scrapbooking, and so on).  

Now, how can you fit more of what you enjoy into your daily or weekly schedule? And what can you stop doing or remove to make room for these?

3. Allow “nothing” to be part of your schedule.

Did you know that you can be “busy” while doing nothing at all? If you say “no” to an invitation because you want to stay home and binge Netflix, read, or take a bubble bath, that is more than valid. 

To bring more peace into your life, make downtime non-negotiable. You don’t even have to give a reason for declining. If you need time at home to recharge, then that’s what you’re busy doing!

Now, I’m not saying this is always easy. Saying “no” is hard for highly sensitive people. We worry about letting others down, being a lousy friend, partner, or family member. Everyone talks about the need to set boundaries — which is so true! — but it might take time to feel peace about it.

If you’re struggling with saying no, here’s a reminder that you can find peace by prioritizing your own needs first. I find that it gets easier with practice and spending time with the right people. Those who matter should understand that you need time to yourself. You deserve time to rest, recover, daydream, and do whatever else is good for you.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Set limits on your “digital input” time.

HSPs care about other people… a lot. When we see suffering of any kind, it sticks with us. That’s rough when you live in a world with instant live news updates and 24/7 Twitter feeds. 

I find that limiting my phone time has increased the calm in my life tremendously. When I’m overwhelmed, I’ll delete all social media apps from my phone and only check the news once a day (sometimes less).

5. As much as possible, steer clear of your stressors.

I used to think that constant stress was necessary for growth. And while there is significance in challenging yourself or setting goals, HSPs should proceed with caution. There’s a difference between challenging yourself and putting yourself in situations that don’t fit your nature.

For example, someone with social anxiety might need to work with a therapist to gradually put themselves in people-focused situations. By exposing themselves to their triggers, they can become more comfortable speaking in front of people. 

But, unlike social anxiety, depression, or anxiety, high sensitivity is not a disorder; it’s a personality trait that affects 20 percent (or more) of the population. So we HSPs can bring more peace into our lives by avoiding things that aren’t compatible with our personalities.

Many HSPs become overwhelmed in situations with:

• large crowds
• noisy environments
• violent movies
• grating background noise
• too much physical touch
• arguments or conflict
• uncomfortable clothing

When you’re highly sensitive, managing your energy is vital. That means avoiding things that are too draining or emotionally taxing so that you can spend energy on more things that matter to you. 

For example, my home workplace is in the corner of my home where I can’t hear my husband’s guitar practice. I also set limits on social media time because I find it very overwhelming and don’t watch scary movies because they increase my anxiety. Even my clothing matters, as I wear cozy, soft material most days.

Once you identify what causes you stress, eliminate as many of those things as you can. You’ll be surprised with how much small changes can make a difference!

6. Remember that you’re doing the best you can.

I can spend hours overthinking about a phone call or in-person conversation where I felt less-than-sure about myself:

• Did I say the right thing?
• Did I make them feel uncomfortable?
• Do they think I’m dumb or incompetent? 
• Why did they move their eyes/twitch their lips that way? (After all, we HSPs are great at reading body language!) 

HSPs want to make others happy and comfortable. If there’s discomfort in the air, we’ll feel it. Not only that, we’ll take on the feelings as our own. We’re also hypersensitive to subtle face movements, changes in speech patterns, and awkward silences. This can make interactions exhausting and cause us to question ourselves.

But as I’ve learned from therapy: You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You’re also not accountable for how other people react to you. The best you can do is your best, and that means being yourself. As an HSP, that probably means you’re sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and compassionate. 

Whenever I feel uneasy about my place in the world, I remember that I’m doing the best I can. I also remind myself that character matters way more to me than awkwardness or perfection.

Create the Type of Life That Suits You as an HSP

HSPs may struggle to feel like they have a place in the world, making it challenging to feel at peace. But let me assure you that you’re welcome on this planet just as much as any human. You’re also allowed to live in a way that is authentic to you.

Spend your weekends inside with a book. Take extra rest breaks to reset your energy. Find what makes you happy to do, and thrive in it. Invest in the positive people and things in your life while forgoing what overwhelms you. It’s not selfishness — it’s your personal path to more peace. And, remember: You deserve it, HSP.

What are things that bring you peace? Feel free to share in the comments below!

You might like:

• These 8 Things Bring Peace to Highly Sensitive People
• 18 Things That Fill Highly Sensitive People With Joy
• 3 Things HSPs Can Learn From Artist Frida Kahlo

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The post How to Feel More at Peace in the World as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve enjoyed being creative. I was fortunate to have family and teachers who encouraged my creative writing starting in grade school, which has led to my career as a freelance writer. And when I learned that I was a highly sensitive person (HSP), I could clearly see the connection between my high sensitivity and artistic expression.

But although I write for a living, I still struggle to maximize the natural-born creativity that resides inside my HSP self. Ever since “graduating” to adulthood — with all of its glorious distractions and responsibilities — I’ve had to make more of an effort to nurture my creative work and prioritize it over other things in my life.  

This seems to be a typical pattern for HSPs. Some of the most creative people are highly sensitive, but that creativity gets squashed by others, our own self-esteem issues, or the distracting sensory overload that comes from the many people and stimuli in our lives. 

So how do you maximize your creativity when you’re an HSP in an often non-HSP-friendly world? I am still figuring it out, but here are some things that have been working for me.

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6 Ways to Maximize Your Creativity as an HSP

1. Understand the power of “doing nothing” for creativity.

Highly sensitive brains are constantly working overtime — even when they’re “at rest.” HSPs love being alone because it’s our time to process the world, free of distractions. (If you’re an HSP who’s ever gotten a rush from canceling plans just to stay home and “do nothing,” you know what I mean!)

In our culture, productivity and busyness are lauded as the definitions of success, but many people don’t realize that constantly being “on” can kill creativity. HSPs — the daydreamers who need extra time to process and take breaks — have it right. 

Research shows our brains need downtime time to do their best work. A study on brain activity while solving problems found that:

• When the people focused just on a puzzle presented to them, they often failed, but…
• When the subjects let their minds wander and started thinking of something else, they would have an “Aha!” moment and suddenly think of the solution

Entering daydreaming mode is essential for any type of meaningful work, and it can help those of us who struggle with a blank canvas or an empty, blinking line in a Google Doc when we sit down to be creative. In his book The Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the World of Information Overload, Daniel Levitin writes that concentration is most effective in “big focused chunks separated by leisure, exercise, or other mentally restorative activities.”

If you’ve ever had a brilliant idea while in the shower or driving to the grocery store, you’ve experienced the power of insight from a relaxed mind. Experts often refer to this as a “flow state” — where you get lost in what you’re doing, lose track of time, and forget about the outside world. 

You also stop worrying about failure or judging your work. Research shows that when artistic people are in a flow state, their brains temporarily “turn off” areas responsible for fear and self-criticism.

So, why am I mentioning all of this? To remind you that daydreaming and rest are crucial for creativity. And also, as an HSP, you can maximize your creativity by allowing your brain to enter the deep processing state it naturally falls into.

And because HSPs need plenty of alone time, you can take advantage of that…

2. Designate creative time during your alone time.

One of my biggest struggles as a creative HSP is juggling free time with creative time. I’ve had to learn that part of my self-care is not feeling like I have to be doing something all of the time; I need time to do “nothing” and recharge my batteries.

But I also have to make time for creativity; otherwise, I’ll never work on the creative ideas that come to me throughout the day when I’m doing other things. 

What helps is not overlapping “recharge” time with creative time.

Here’s what I mean. There are three main ways I use alone time:

1. Getting job-related work done
2. Working on creative outlets
3. Doing activities that are for enjoyment and recharging, such as reading, playing video games, or daydreaming

Job-related work is necessary for me to make a living, so it often gets priority throughout the week. I’m also pretty great at making time for self-care activities because I need them to recharge. But the creative time is something I have to assign somehow, or I’ll never actually get to it.

Creative HSPs must have both recharge and creative alone time while also remembering that they are distinct. Creativity still requires mental energy, so it might feel heavy if you try to cram it into your “nothing” time.

One thing that makes a huge difference is setting metrics for creative time. For example, my most significant chunk of alone time happens on Sundays. I spend most of the day recharging with enjoyable activities or housework, but I’ll set aside creative time for something for one hour. Another method is to say you’re going to complete a certain amount of creative work during your creative time, such as writing X number of pages.

It’s also a good idea to schedule creative time when your mind tends to be most fresh, if possible. For me, that’s the time before I start my freelance work or in the evening before dinner.

And, this is very important: I treat my creative time as different from “work” work. Instead of thinking of it as being on the clock, I allow for the daydreaming time I talked about above during this creative time. Otherwise, I put too much pressure on myself, which causes me to feel anxious.

3. Minimize distractions as much as you can.

Because HSPs are so sensitive to everything around them, the slightest distractions can make staying in a creative flow difficult. But research shows that multitasking is inefficient, leading to not only less work, but sloppier work! There’s no room for the type of deep insights that come with being creative. Instead, “single-tasking” is better-suited for highly sensitive types.

Of course, you can’t always avoid distractions. Life is chaotic at times, especially if you live with other people, have kids, or take care of pets. This is where it’s important to communicate with those around you and set boundaries:

• Treat your creative time as just as necessary as other engagements (because it is!)
• Let those you live with know when you need some uninterrupted time
• Find opportunities for quiet, alone time — if you work in an office, that might mean coming in early or staying late

For example, my husband knows that even minor distractions rattle me and make it hard to get back on track. I can’t get caught up in a random conversation or have something playing loudly on the TV. When I need to work on a creative project, I set myself up in a room of our home where I can close the door and sit quietly. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Make little notes when inspiration strikes.

I have written the most beautiful poems and short stories in my head while going for a drive or taking a walk. But by the time I get home and sit in front of my computer, it feels like I’m drawing blanks.

What helps me hold onto inspiration is taking notes as often as I can. My smartphone is my best friend for this. For example, if I’m taking a walk, I’ll briefly stop and type out a very rough version of what I’m thinking into my phone’s Notes app. If I’m driving, I’ll use the hands-free function of my phone to speak my thoughts out loud into the same app, or even pull over to a safe area and jot down my thoughts. 

There are a lot of distractions throughout the day. Don’t be afraid to use technology (safely) and tools to bookmark inspiration as it comes to you.

5. Expose yourself to things that trigger your creativity.

As an HSP with anxiety and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), getting into a creative zone on cue often feels impossible — or stressful! Instead of making it feel like a chore, I set up my environment for creativity. I’ll put on lyrics-free music that makes me feel inspired, go for a walk (we HSPs love nature!), or look up quotes about creativity.

Think about what conditions are present when you feel most inspired and how you can mimic them during creative time. Maybe inspiration strikes most when you’re listening to your favorite artist, daydreaming while walking your dog, or sitting in a calming environment with comfy clothes. Or maybe your creative “triggers” are completely different! Recognize what leads you to want to create, then try to give yourself more of it.

6. Start with the first step.

HSPs are big-picture thinkers. We’re often anticipating the outcome of a decision before it’s even been executed. We’re picturing the entire project before we’ve even started. While there are many advantages to this, it can also lead to massive amounts of overthinking, leading to perfectionism and procrastination. We might begin with an incredible idea, but never follow through because we can’t connect step one with step 452. 

In his book How to Be Here: A Guide to Creating a Life Worth Living, Rob Bell reminds us to start with the first step and worry about the rest later. “You start with your 1, and then you suspend judgment on what you’re doing because you don’t know what you have when you start.” That’s the thing about creativity — it morphs and changes, and what you end up with might be very different, yet even better, than what you pictured at the beginning.

Just start. Worry about the outcome later. Creativity isn’t linear, so your draft (whether it’s a book, an art project, or what have you) might look entirely different from your end result — and that’s part of the process. 

When starting and working on a creative project, it helps me to remember that:

• Failure is often part of the process. Things might not go how I expect, or I might not like the outcome of my work at first, but that discomfort is often necessary to get through to the end.
• Focus on the skills you have, not what you don’t have or who you aren’t. You can’t — and don’t need to be — good at everything. Comparing ourselves to others, or worrying about not being good enough, uses precious energy that we can put toward creative endeavors.
• Art is subjective. I love The Beatles, but several of my friends hate them. I also have friends who have called their own work “trash” when I could clearly see that it was amazing! If you’re feeling self-doubt about what you create, keep creating anyway. The wonderful thing about art is that there is always something to appreciate. Plus, artists tend to be their own worst critics, so you might not realize what you have until you’ve shown others or taken a step back from it.

Fellow creative HSP, I hope these tips can help you on your artistic journey. Don’t forget to make time for the creative endeavors that call to you and allow you to express your rich inner world.

You might like:

• Are Highly Sensitive People Natural Born Creatives?
• 5 Reasons HSPs Make the Greatest Writers
• How Practicing a ‘Flow State’ Is Revolutionary for HSPs

The post How to Maximize Your Creativity as a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Before I met my now-husband, I had never heard of the terms “highly sensitive person” or “HSP.” I learned about HSPs after we were already married, and when I did, so much of my life clicked into place.

I am an HSP married to a man who I would categorize as sensitive, but not highly sensitive. And as we’ve been together for many years, we’ve learned a lot about each other. We know what we each need to feel happy and safe, and a lot of my needs have to do with my being highly sensitive. 

My marriage has made me step back and think about what HSPs tend to need more of in committed relationships. Here are some of those things — a few tips for non-HSP partners.

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9 Things HSPs Need Their Partners to Understand           

1. It helps if you know what “highly sensitive” means.

Your partner is the person you’ll be spending more time with than anyone else. HSPs need someone in their corner who can:

• Understand the definition of a highly sensitive person
• Have an understanding of how being highly sensitive affects daily life

Personality traits don’t exist in a vacuum. Being highly sensitive will impact how you handle work and life stress, your social interactions, how you decompress at the end of the day, and what you need to feel mentally sound. 

When someone isn’t an HSP, it can be hard to understand how being highly sensitive feels. Thankfully, partners can learn a lot from a simple Google search, online articles like these, and asking their HSP significant other about their experiences.

I often like to equate my high sensitivity to my attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Although being an HSP is not a mental disorder like ADHD, it is forever a part of me and how I move through this world. While I can adapt habits, routines, and thought processes that work with my brain, some things will still be harder or more overwhelming for me than for those with neurotypical brains or non-HSPs.

HSPs need their partners to understand their natural limits so that the HSP is not constantly overstimulated, leading to anxiety, depression, obsessive worrying, insomnia, and more. When the other person “gets” it as much as they can, the relationship can be a safe place to land in a world that is often too loud.

2. If they appear to be moody, irritable, or rude, they’re just overstimulated.

High sensitivity means that you are very often overwhelmed by life. Getting snappy in response to a simple question or having a negative attitude is often the result of sensory overload for HSPs. 

When I have my mind on my to-do list, there are dishes in the sink, I’m nursing a headache that’s come on suddenly, and my husband comes in and starts talking to me or starts playing music, I’ve been known to lash out or to get teary-eyed because it all feels like too much. And, after I’ve withdrawn to mull over my emotions, I’ll apologize and wish I hadn’t reacted that way.

I have learned to speak up when I’m feeling this way, and my husband has learned to recognize the signs of me being overstimulated. Often, I’ll just say something like, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and just need to sit quietly for a bit” or that I need to shut myself in my office for a while to get things done. My husband knows that it’s nothing personal, just my way of regulating my emotions. After all, we HSPs need alone time to reset and recharge.

If an HSP is overly upset or irritable, they could be deficient in alone time and overstimulated. Even if they’re brief, honest conversations can help both parties better understand what’s going on. 

3. They’ll often absorb your emotions, sometimes before you even recognize them.

HSPs pick up on the smallest of facial movements, voice tone changes, or shifts in body language. The minutest change can sometimes alert me that something is off, leading me to ask my husband if he’s okay.

HSPs will also soak up others’ emotions. I often find myself mirroring my husband’s mood. If he starts talking passionately about a social or political topic, I feel my blood pressure rising, my heart rate increasing, and my whole body feels amped up. When I’m not as passionate about that topic, or I don’t want to get worked up, it actually starts to feel emotionally painful. 

The same goes for when he’s had a hard day at work, is feeling down, or has any other strong or subtle emotion. Ever since we’ve been together, I’ve had to regulate my responses to support him and try not to let the emotions get to me too much. (And this is easier said than done.)

4. A good set of headphones goes a long way.

This one has seriously made such a huge difference in my marriage. 

When we’re doing things separately throughout the day, we each use our own pair of headphones. He can blast whatever he wants into his earbuds while I enjoy the quiet or play something soothing in mine. (On that note, noise-canceling headphones are a fantastic gift for HSPs who need to block out all sounds and noise while getting things done.)

He can have music, podcasts, or TV shows going in the background all day long, but just the thought of that makes me batty. Constant auditory stimulation prevents me from getting anything done, and it often leaves me emotional and stuck in “fight-or-flight” mode. When I have something playing, it’s usually something I’ve listened to or seen a million times before and that I can pause or mute as needed.

Headphones let us be in the same room without forcing certain stimuli on the other person. Then, we can watch or listen to things together when we’re both ready.

5. Getting alone time, separately, makes time together even better.

It’s honestly nothing personal — HSPs just need a lot of alone time to process the world; it’s a little (yet big) thing that makes us happy.

When I’m deficient in alone time — which is when HSPs process the world and recharge — it’s hard for me to be present with my husband during our time together. My brain wants to shift into daydreaming mode and process my day, which just leaves me frustrated.

But when I have regular time to myself each day, I can bring the best energy to our relationship when we are spending time together. Hopefully your partner will not take it personally when you need time alone. When they see how present and recharged you are afterwards, they’ll see how beneficial it is.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. Their definition of “intimacy” might look a little different.

Sex is different for HSPs, and so is any form of intimacy. For example, HSPs are often prone to overarousal and might need more transitions into intimacy. Also, HSPs often appreciate more low-key moments together, such as reading beside each other in bed versus going out to a crowded bar or restaurant.

HSPs are also people-pleasers, so they might not speak up about their preferences in the early stages of a relationship. Open communication can help the couple find a balance when doing things together.

7. For social commitments, they do best with a game plan.

We’ll go to the party with you, but we’d prefer to leave early.

HSPs enjoy relationships with other humans; we just have a hard time with overstimulation, especially if we’re feeling tired or stressed. We can have a better time during social engagements if we know how long we’ll need to socialize. That way, we can better manage our energy.

I’ve found a successful strategy to be RSVPing “yes” to that party, having a nice time while you’re there, and setting a “hard out” time for when you’ll head home. Then you can prevent yourself from getting an “HSP hangover,” which happens after too much overstimulation.

8. They need time to mull over important or complex conversations.

If the couple needs to figure out a problem, talk about any upcoming vacation, or have some other meaningful conversation, it’s difficult for HSPs to jump right into it — they need time to process the details first. Instead of talking about these things impromptu, it’s best to schedule a time to talk about them at a later time.

Chances are good that the HSP partner is already having many conversations with themselves throughout the day. When a conversation requiring a lot of processing is sprung on an HSP, it’s jarring and hard to shift their current mental processes to something new.

Most of the time, my husband and I will make a plan to talk about complex things later in the day. Then, I can bring my full attention to it after mulling over specific details beforehand.

9. They might need extra reassurance from their partner.

Most HSPs have spent a lifetime being told they were “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” Over time, that can start to make anyone feel a little broken. HSPs actually hate inconveniencing others or making them uncomfortable, so we are overly worried about doing something wrong.

We might need extra reminders that there’s nothing wrong with us — being sensitive is just a part of who we are. And we are really doing the best we can, whether that’s in life or within our relationship. A supportive non-HSP partner means everything to us, and a little understanding goes a long way from both sides of the relationship.

You might like:

• 7 Keys to a Happy, Thriving Marriage with a Highly Sensitive Person
• How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner

The post 9 Things HSPs Need Their Partners to Understand appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I recently moved across the country — new city, state, and time zone. It’s been an exciting time filled with new plans, a lot of help from family, and a new home to decorate. 

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), it’s also reminded me of how important it is for HSPs to have alone time, especially during significant life changes.  

In the transition before my husband and I moved, we briefly lived with my parents. It was delightful in many ways — we all got along well, were still able to continue life and work as usual, and did some fun things together. 

But, many evenings, I would feel overwhelmed and on the verge of tears about the smallest of things. 

One night, after an emotional workday, I couldn’t bring myself to sit down to dinner with everyone. As I heard everyone down the hall laughing and chatting about the day, I closed my laptop and quietly crossed from my makeshift home office space to the bedroom. Sitting back on the bed, I wrung my hands together and stared into space, replaying and overthinking a client conversation in my head while thinking about how the week had gone.

I knew that if I’d gone into the kitchen, I wouldn’t be able to carry on a conversation or answer a question about how my day went. I didn’t want to talk about my day, but I did need to process it without any external stimuli or distractions.

Younger me would have been confused as to why everything was upsetting me more than usual during this time, why I felt so anti-people, and why I was so tired. But because I’m very familiar with what being a highly sensitive person means by now, I soon realized what was going on: I was deficient in alone time.

For HSPs, Solitude Equals a Healthy Mind

Interacting with others when my brain is trying to work through something feels like I’m short-circuiting — all my energy is tied up in that one thing I need to process. And until I can quietly go over the scenario, what I’m feeling — and what has happened or is happening in my head — everything else is too much.

Everyone can relate to the challenges that come with change, work stress, or sharing a living space with others. It’s normal to be more emotional or stressed during a big transition. 

But I couldn’t help but notice that my husband didn’t seem to struggle in the same way. And I’ve lived with other people before who always seemed more “on” socially, able to come home from work or school and have a chat or hang out in the living room all evening.

I’ve noticed that other people can become tired, stressed, or overwhelmed with life, but they’re able to process their day while around others. 

But in the context of being an HSP, needing alone time to think deeply is so normal. Without proper processing time — alone — it’s like my brain can’t move forward with my day-to-day.

And here’s why.

Alone Time Helps HSPs Process Life

Highly sensitive people process everything more deeply than other humans — they experience everything from sights and sounds to social interactions and emotional reactions more intensely. And nearly 30 percent of the population is highly sensitive, so it’s not as uncommon as people think.

When you’re highly in tune with everything (and everyone) around you, it’s natural to become overstimulated — and easily overwhelmed. Something that is par for the course, like daily conversations with coworkers, can quickly become draining for an HSP.

We need downtime to recover from the constant overstimulation. Science shows that HSP brains are more active in areas that involve deeper information processing. So add in a significant life change or something emotional an HSP needs to work through, and the need for alone time to process is even greater. 

Here are four main reasons why highly sensitive people need more alone time.         

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4 Reasons Why HSPs Need More Alone Time

1. HSP brains don’t take vacations.

HSPs are constantly processing the world around them, even when their brains are “at rest” and not focusing on anything specifically. 

I remember someone once telling me how they practice clearing their mind regularly, and my HSP self was thinking, “Say what?! You can do that?” It feels like my mind is always going on some sort of tangent about life, what’s happening in my environment, a conversation I had earlier in the week, or where I see myself in five years. 

We sensitive people might feel like our minds rarely take a break because we have rich inner lives. If you’ve ever had trouble “getting out of your own head,” you might get what I’m talking about. When something out of the norm happens, or an HSP is going through a challenging time in life — or just a big change, even if it’s positive! — they often need extra time and space to mentally work through it. 

2. Humans are distracting.

Simply being in the same room as other people means there will be more stimuli. You’re aware of others’ movements, the possibility of them needing something from you, and the knowledge that a conversation could break out at any time. 

HSPs also tend to be sensitive to senses like smell, touch, sight, and sound. When my mind is working through something, I can get rattled by someone lightly touching my arm, chewing food, walking around the room, or making a quick comment. It breaks my train of thought, and I often feel bad about this because I know it can seem persnickety to others. (Thankfully, understanding what it is to be highly sensitive has helped me recognize why this can make me so irritable and that escaping for some alone time is often the solution!)

When HSPs are alone, we don’t have to hold space for other people as we evaluate our current thoughts and feelings. And then, when we do spend time around loved ones, we can jump in more refreshed and present.

3. HSPs like to handle their emotions in silence.

Highly sensitive people don’t like the thought of burdening others with their problems. Because we can feel others’ emotions and pain, we know how heavy it can feel. We often prefer to handle things alone because we must process them before verbalizing them.

I once waited weeks to tell my family that I broke up with a boyfriend of several years because I just needed to think through the situation first. I wasn’t ready to share those emotions with others and open myself to their thoughts and opinions. 

Honestly, the process of sharing what happened and explaining it to others felt more exhausting than the breakup itself: It’s like I was having an “emotional hangover.” I needed to decide how I felt about it first, so I would lock myself in my room or go for a drive and spend hours going over the situation in my head, again and again.

Solitary time lets us cry, journal, listen to the right music, and remove distracting stimuli — whatever we need to process and think deeply.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Unstructured thinking time is self-care for HSPs.

In her book The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person, Julie Bjelland recommends the following amount of downtime for HSPs:

• Eight to 10 hours in bed daily
• Two hours per day of unstructured alone time (meditating, reading, outside in nature, etc.)
• One complete day off per week
• One week off for each season

I love the emphasis on daily alone time. I think we can often feel guilty for needing so much time to ourselves. I’ve certainly felt like there was something wrong with me before — worried that I was anti-people or just not “tough” enough to handle my emotions in front of others. 

But now, I recognize that alone time is essential when you’re an HSP, particularly when there’s a lot on your mind. In fact, deep thinking is one of the most becoming traits about highly sensitive people because it can lead to life-changing ideas, thought-provoking conversations, well-thought-out life decisions, and beautiful art. Alone time to process is like self-therapy for HSPs, keeping us grounded and at peace — and, when we’re not alone, being the most present and stable when we show up in the world.

You might like:

• The Science Behind Why Highly Sensitive People Need Alone Time
• 4 Common Ways Highly Sensitive People Are Misunderstood
• These 8 Things Bring Peace to Highly Sensitive People

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Why HSPs Need More Alone Time Than Others appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Books have been around since humans started printing words on pages, around the 4th millennium BCE. Before that, thoughts and ideas were hand-scratched on clay tablets, and “reading” was more of a social activity where one person read aloud from a scroll of papyrus or hand-written manuscript.

Thankfully, books are now personal objects that anyone can own — and they can even read from a digital tablet, phone, or computer if they please. (My how far we’ve come!) We highly sensitive people (HSPs) especially benefit from the quiet reflection books bring, and that’s why many of us cherish our reading time. 

For me, reading is a non-negotiable part of my self-care as an HSP, and I don’t think I’m alone — it seems that many sensitive types genuinely love their reading time. Let’s look at some reasons why.

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5 Reasons Why HSPs Love Reading

1. Reading is a doorway to the deep thinking HSPs do best.

There’s no doubt about it: HSPs are deep thinkers. We love to spend time pondering life or working through the complexities of the human condition in our minds. 

And reading is the ideal vessel for “going deeper.”

Both fiction and nonfiction books can challenge our ways of thinking. Stories put us inside other people’s heads, often allowing us to explore the thoughts of those very different from us. 

HSPs adore all of the subtleties and details of a great book — and there are certain literary characters you’ll relate to as a highly sensitive person, too. (Sherlock Holmes or Emily Dickinson, anyone?) Many of them have us thinking about what we read for hours or days.

2. Books are stimulating… but in all the right ways.

Most of the time, HSPs seek ways to reduce stimulation in their lives. Even before I knew what an HSP was (or that I was one), I would instinctually be the one quietly hiding in my room — also known as my HSP sanctuary — or choosing activities that allowed me to be alone. I was trying to recover from too much stimulation and just “recharge.”

So how do books fit into all of this? Well, reading can be stimulating in a more comfortable way for HSPs. We can journey with a complex character, their life teeming with challenges, and explore difficult situations and emotions that would be too much in real life. Plus, there are several thought-provoking books that resonate with HSPs, like Quiet by Susan Cain.

Reading books might also help HSPs deal with the challenges of the real world, too. In one study, researchers had 100 participants read either a fictional short story or nonfictional essay.  After the participants read their assigned pieces, they were assessed on their “need for cognitive closure.” (The need for cognitive closure means someone desires definitive knowledge on an issue without leaving room for ambiguity or complexity.) When compared with those who read the essays, participants who read the fictional stories reported a significant decrease in the need for cognitive closure.

In other words, reading fiction might help HSPs open their minds further and move away from rigid ways of thinking. These ways of thinking could include strict thought processes HSPs might have about how they “should” behave (such as thinking they should be more social versus enjoying alone time).

3. HSPs can control the pace while reading books.

Some fiction stories can still be intense (read: extra stimulating), and an HSP might need to take breaks before diving back into the action. A stressful, tragic, or emotional story can be very stimulating to an HSP, and overstimulation is what we struggle with most.

But that’s what makes reading so great. If you need a break, you can put the book down and walk away or switch to something lighter. It’s also a lot easier to pause in the middle of a book versus a TV show or movie that you might be watching with others.

Reading is an activity you can do at your own pace — which is a relief for HSPs, who absorb so much external stimuli that they often find themselves drained.

When I’m particularly stressed or overwhelmed by something going on in the world, I’ll seek out lighthearted stories that are easy, yet entertaining, reads — like fun mysteries, dramas, or celebrity memoirs.

Additionally, books don’t present a clear image of how you’re expected to view a character, setting, or occurrence the way video-based stories do. Instead, you get to be the artist in your own mind, and I like the control (and imagination) that encourages.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. A book is a solo social adventure — without ever leaving home.

Through reading, you can experience thrilling new worlds, both semi-realistic and entirely made up. You get to know the characters of the story and see the world through their eyes. 

So, even though you’re reading a story on your couch at home, you’re exploring the human experience without direct contact with other humans. Isn’t that an HSP’s dream?

Plus, we can tap into our need for nostalgia or time-travel to another era. HSPs spend a lot of time processing their feelings and thinking (or overthinking) about the past. Many of us love to return to things that remind us of happy times in our childhood or adolescent years — and that often includes books. 

For me, that’s the Harry Potter series. I reread them every year because I loved them as a child and have many happy memories associated with them. Plus, the characters and plots feel like returning to a simpler time, which helps with stress relief and anxiety as an adult (and HSP).

Books can also take us way, way back — beyond the years that any of us would have been alive. The same can be said about stories of a science-fiction-based future. Time travel is real — it’s just enclosed in book-bound pages.

5. A good book can provide a much-needed refuge.

Although highly sensitive people are not rare — we may make up as much as 30% of the population — we can often feel like outsiders. Our society still favors the loud and proud in many ways, and that can leave an HSP exhausted. But books can provide just the escape we need.

As a sensitive person, I make time to sit down and read almost every day. Reading is my happy place — my sanctuary from the outside. I can dive into another world with rich character plots and unique conundrums. 

I also think books are a powerful form of self-care. When I know I’ll have my daily reading time, it makes anything that happens during the day that much easier. I know I can look forward to relaxing with a story (often with a cup of coffee, tea, or hot cocoa in hand and a fluffy blanket).

So, my fellow HSPs — what is your relationship to reading? Which books speak to you the most? Feel free to share in the comments below!

You might like:

• 5 Literary Characters You’ll Relate to as a Highly Sensitive Person
• 6 Thought-Provoking Books That Will Resonate With HSPs
• 11 ‘Little’ Things That Overwhelm Highly Sensitive People

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Why Highly Sensitive People Love to Read appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Developing meaningful, lasting friendships as a highly sensitive person (HSP) can be challenging. HSPs need many breaks from social interaction, they are easily frazzled by last-minute plans, and they rarely care about shallow meet-ups or canned conversations. Plus, the settings that others might enjoy, such as clubs, bars, or loud concerts, can be a sensory nightmare when you’re highly sensitive. 

Connecting with other people who get or share these needs might feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. (Or perhaps something more pleasant than a needle because, as an HSP myself, I know HSPs are more sensitive to pain, too. Perhaps a feather? A puppy? Anyway, you get the idea.) Point being, sensitive people crave deep social connections, and we get a lot of fulfillment from supporting other humans. But, at the same time, we’re easily overwhelmed by social activities and drained by those who don’t require the amount of alone time we do.

If you’re an HSP who has struggled to make friends you feel comfortable around, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can develop friendships with like-minded people that feel right; it just might take some time. It also helps to know what you value most in someone you call a friend. And those who are friends with an HSP can provide the most support by understanding what sensitive people need most from a friendly relationship.

With that in mind, let’s look at some of the friend qualities that mean the most to HSPs.

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6 Qualities HSPs Value Most in a Friend

1. They feel most comfortable with friends who respect their boundaries.

One thing I value about my best friendships is the mutual respect for space and boundaries. We often plan get-togethers well ahead of time, and plans are low-pressure, perfect for my HSP brain. Spur-of-the-moment or last-minute plans leave me anxious and frazzled, mainly because I do best when my day (and week) is planned out early. 

A good friend also gets the importance of mental health. If someone needs to cancel and spend time cuddling with their pets for the evening instead of being social, that’s understood and encouraged. Demanding that the friend get out — no matter what — is a recipe for burnout and distrust. HSPs value people who recognize the need for downtime as much as they do.

2. Mutual sharing is also crucial (no energy vampires allowed!).

Sensitive people appreciate friendships that feel respectful and laid-back, listening to each other’s needs. Respect is also about giving as much as you get. HSPs tend to be exceptional listeners; we like to help others work through things they’re struggling with. If the relationship is imbalanced, the HSP might become an off-the-clock therapist, meeting the friend’s needs but feeling drained in return. These are known as energy vampires, and HSPs are especially vulnerable to them.

Healthy HSP friendships deeply support each other, using listening as a two-way street. HSPs often put others’ needs above their own, doing whatever they can to help a friend feel better. A highly sensitive person needs friends who appreciate their care, won’t abuse it, and are happy to reciprocate.

3. Listening without judgment lets HSPs be themselves in a friendship.

HSPs care a lot about what other people think of them. It’s because we care deeply about others’ emotions and feelings, and we don’t like upsetting anyone. Therefore, an HSP might hide their actual emotions and feelings if they feel the other person will judge them.

HSPs tend to have non-traditional jobs, passion projects, and alternate ways of looking at the world. They’re also (obviously) more sensitive than the average person and need space to express if something upsets them or they need to vent. 

A true friend will listen and encourage their sensitive friend to do what makes them happy, even if they don’t fully understand it. Basically, HSPs need a friend who will let them be themselves — because that’s what the friend will get in return!

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Deep convos are always better than casual chit-chat.

Superficial relationships are surface-level, ripe with polite “how are yous” or uncomfy workplace gossip. While every relationship will have a bit of that, HSPs often find shallow interactions draining and unfulfilling. 

Instead, sensitive people tend to value friendships that aren’t afraid to go deeper, covering profound topics like: 

• What matters most to us during this short stint we call life
• What makes us most excited each day
• Traumas we’ve experienced (and how they’ve shaped us)
• What we’re reading right now (and what it’s teaching us)
• Our favorite childhood memories
• Belief systems or philosophies we subscribe to
• What needs to change about mental health awareness
• What the world needs to be more compassionate

HSPs spend a lot of time thinking about things they might not feel comfortable voicing to loved ones. Friends who will have those deep, often tough, conversations are precious in an HSP’s life.

5. We appreciate friends who notice when we’re MIA.

Sensitive people often retreat into their own minds (and homes) when they’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed. When I’m going through a lot, I know that it feels like I only have energy for work, quick meals, and caring for my dogs. 

Even if I truly need someone to talk to, the process of reaching out feels heavy, and I worry about burdening other people with my problems. Plus, the act of actually opening up can be tough in its own right. Some HSPs struggle with anxiety or depression, but they might struggle to voice it to anyone.

Sensitive people know that everyone is preoccupied with their own lives, which is often why we don’t talk to others when we’re feeling too much. So, it means a lot when someone takes the time to simply reach out and check on us if they haven’t heard from us in a while. 

A simple text or message saying, “Hey, just thinking of you! How have you been feeling?” can mean the world and help the HSP get out of their shell. (And just know that we sensitive types value the message sincerely even if we don’t answer right away — because, for me, even answering a text or an email when my energy is drained feels like a monumental task, and it can take some time.)

It’s always a good rule of thumb to check on your friends if they’ve been absent from social media or haven’t contacted anyone. And this is especially valuable for HSPs. Friends can check in and then ask about scheduling a social activity at a later date, even if it’s a video call. Any amount of contact shows the friend cares, encouraging the HSP to feel comfortable enough to reciprocate.

6. Like-minded friends feel like home for HSPs.

Highly sensitive people value friends who “get” them — and what better situation for that than a friendship between HSPs?

When I connect with other HSPs (online or in-person), I can often sense they’re one before they even say so. It’s probably because HSPs are highly in tune with their environments, picking up on other people’s subtleties and reactions. 

Connecting with other HSPs often feels like a sigh of relief or a warm hug at the end of a long day. It’s easier for us to open up and relax around those who understand (and also experience) our high sensitivity. There’s less pressure to explain what makes us tick or apologize for “being too sensitive” because the other person knows what it’s like! 

Now, of course, no friendship is perfect. We’re all human, including HSPs and non-HSPs. And because we’re imperfect humans, it can take time for sensitive people to find like-minded friends and develop the types of friendships we value most. But knowing what matters to us in a relationship helps us seek out others who are probably looking for the same thing — which seems an excellent path to healthy, mutually fulfilling friendships. 

You might like:

• How to Be a Good Friend to a Highly Sensitive Person
• Do You Crave Deeper, More Meaningful Friendships? You’re Not Alone
• How to Explain High Sensitivity to People Who Don’t ‘Get’ It

The post What Highly Sensitive People Value Most in a Friend appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Sitting quietly in the waiting room, I probably seemed calm and collected. But no one else could feel my heartbeat drumming against my chest or see the sweaty palms I was sitting on to keep them from shaking. Taking deep breaths in and out didn’t seem to help much. The anxiety washed over me as I waited for the unknown.

It was my very first therapy appointment, and I felt terrified. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), and someone with social anxiety, scheduling this first meeting was a considerable feat — and I wasn’t yet convinced it was worth it. 

Thankfully, I’m writing this about a year-and-a-half later, and I can conclusively say therapy was a good idea. Actually, it was a huge stepping stone toward improving my mental health. But I did (and sometimes still do) have challenges related to my being highly sensitive, which I’ll get into below.

If you are a fellow HSP curious about going to therapy, here are some insights I’d like to share. And if you already go to therapy, perhaps you’ll be able to relate!

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

9 Things Highly Sensitive People Should Know About Going to Therapy

1. Therapy might be harder than you’re expecting, and you could feel worse at first.

This is the number-one fact that I wasn’t ready for about therapy: It may be hard. At my first appointment, I started crying within minutes and was a sobbing mess until I left. There was a lot to unload, and I felt exhausted when it was over. It was different than venting to a friend or crying to my husband. It was work. 

I went home wondering if therapy was for me because so many things still felt unresolved. I think this is common for those of us who feel a lot. HSPs can carry significant emotional weight since we process so deeply and hold onto others’ emotions. We might not realize how much we have to release — until someone gives us the opportunity.

However, the work from therapy was what I needed to start feeling better. 

As I went to more sessions, my therapist and I started breaking things down and slowly working through issues I had never verbalized before. For example, I would hold onto critical comments from someone at work or beliefs about myself that I was used to “powering through” instead of addressing. Talking through these things was so uncomfortable, but it got easier overall. 

So if therapy is a lot at first, just know that your feelings are normal and valid. Therapy is not easy. But once you find a good therapist, they get to know your needs and you develop a beneficial therapist-client relationship. And then you’ll start to experience the benefits you might be looking for.

2. The first therapist could be wrong for you (and that’s OK).

Speaking of the “right” therapist, it might take time to find that person. 

I got pretty lucky — the first person I met with was a nice fit, and we had a lot in common. But I know it’s standard to go through one or more therapists before you find synchronicity. Having a bad therapy experience can be especially tough for HSPs because of how much we fear judgment and criticism. A session with the wrong therapist can feel like a personal failure, rather than simply having a bad match.

If your therapist makes you feel bad about yourself or doesn’t seem to understand your needs, it’s OK to look elsewhere. (Here’s how to recognize when a therapist isn’t right for you.) And if you need to take some time between finding a new one, please do. Just remember that therapy is a process, and a bad experience doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a bad idea or not for you. 

If you have a doctor you trust, you might ask for recommendations based on what you need help with. This is what helped me: I found my therapist through the psychiatrist I’d been going to for a while.

3. You’ll probably feel inclined to hide your sensitivity.

Every HSP has heard the phrase in some variation: “You’re too sensitive!” or “Stop being so sensitive!” In a world that praises boldness and brashness, I’m so used to hiding my sensitive side and pretending to be OK when I’m not. This didn’t change just because I was sitting on a cozy couch in front of a kind professional.

I would end one session talking about all of the good things happening in my life, then come back next week in tears. I remember my therapist asking what changed so quickly as I sobbed through an answer like, “I just try to stay positive and wasn’t aware of everything that was wrong.” 

As an HSP, I wasn’t used to vocalizing issues that seem to not bother other people as much — because I felt like it shouldn’t be a problem for me. So while I might have seemed great a week ago, in reality, everything I hadn’t said had built up and boiled over: I’d been mentally and emotionally flooded. Like many HSPs, I’m also a people-pleaser, so my nature makes my therapist feel like my progress is good — even if it’s not. 

I’ve had to learn that my therapist is the person to bring up these concerns with. Being honest about anything that’s bothering me means I can start working through it in a safe space. Your therapist won’t get upset or offended by anything you say. (If they do, that’s a sign that it’s not a good fit.) They are there to help you with any concerns you have. 

To that end, it’s important to let your therapist know that you’re highly sensitive (although they may also figure it out for themselves, like my crying-so-easily example above). That way, they can better help you according to your HSP needs. 

And if you’re not sure how to bring something up, you might say something like, “I want to talk about something, but I feel embarrassed/scared/uncomfortable.” That can act as a stepping stone to the topic, helping you and your therapist gently work through it.

4. If you can, schedule therapy on your less busy days.

Therapy can be draining, especially for HSPs who hold onto so many emotions. After a day of too much human interaction, we need quiet alone time to recoup. 

If your schedule allows, plan for therapy on days when you can do less. If you can’t do that, plan at least one act of self-care for yourself, like meditating or taking a walk in your favorite park. And tell those you live with that you’ll need some extra space, too, since you’ll need time to process the therapy appointment once you get home.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5. Keep your appointment even if you feel there’s nothing to talk about.

HSPs process their feelings and emotions more intensely than others. I often need a lot of time to work through how I’m feeling before vocalizing it. (For example, I waited weeks before telling anyone about a massive breakup I’d had with a long-term boyfriend in college. I just needed to process it first.)

This can make therapy difficult because I often feel like I don’t have the energy to share. But when I go anyway, I’m usually glad that I did, and simply being there helps me think of things I need to talk about.

My therapist has also encouraged me to write down things that are bothering me as I think of them. I’m still not the best at this, but even jotting down a few words or sentences in the middle of the day helps. I’ll bring that list to my appointment, and my therapist can ask questions to help me open up.

6. There could be homework (dun, dun, duuuun).

The word “homework” might take you back to high school, which most of us don’t appreciate. And the homework I get for therapy isn’t exactly fun either. That’s because it encourages me to take action outside of a 50-minute session, and, as I’ve covered above, working on yourself is no joke. At the same time, I know therapy work is setting me up to move more easily through the world and find more peace. That’s often incentive enough to follow through.

Examples of “homework” I’ve gotten include:

• Making time for one-minute meditations three times a day (you can do ones you know or use an app, like Insight Timer)
• Completing a “negative thoughts” worksheet (yep, what it sounds like!)
• Saying “hi” to three people per day (to slowly address social anxiety)

These assignments will vary a lot depending on your needs, your therapist, and other factors.

7. Therapists are people, too, and they might not get it right every time.

Even professional relationships aren’t perfect. I’ve often expected my therapist to know every fix for my issues or respond in specific ways. When her reactions didn’t meet my expectations, I felt crushed at times. But as we had more appointments, I learned to give her grace just like any other human. And the longer we’ve met, the better we’ve developed a rapport that works for me.

8. It’s OK to pause or stop therapy — just be open with your therapist about it.

How long you go to therapy will depend on your situation. Some people see a therapist shorter-term, while others are in therapy for years or decades. I’m in a situation right now where I text my therapist when I need to talk, and we don’t set ongoing appointments. Try to be open with your therapist about your needs, including when you’re considering pausing or stopping altogether.

9. The work you do in therapy helps your present and future HSP self.

A lot of therapy is messy and uncomfortable and scary, but it also helps you address mental health conditions, trauma, self-worth issues, and more. HSPs are often more likely to silently suffer in our own minds without knowing how to feel better. Therapy chips away at walls we’ve built up and helps lighten the load — and also helps us accept ourselves just as we are. 

All in all, therapy just might change your life. (For the better, of course.)

You might like:

• Why Therapy Can Be a Nightmare for HSPs (But Doesn’t Have to Be)
• 5 Essential Things to Tell Your Therapist If You’re Highly Sensitive
• What Is Emotional Buffering, and Why Do HSPs Do It?

The post 9 Things I Wish I Had Known Before Going to Therapy as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

It was the summer of 2008. I was on a dream cruise in Mexico with my best friends: surf, sand, fruity drinks, and dressy dinners. I should have been soaking up the good times and making all the memories.

But instead, I was overwhelmed.

The weather was so hot and humid. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t ignore the sweat plastering hair to my neck, the headache from dehydration, and the abundance of sun shining in my eyes. That tag on my sundress was scratching me with each step. And then the constant activity left me fatigued, but unable to describe why to anyone around me. 

The rich food, alcohol, and sugary desserts tasted amazing, but they left me so cranky and tired. And despite my big smile in pictures from that time, being around so many other people was exhausting.

I remember such guilt because the sensory overload left me in a bad mood much of the trip. I just wanted to enjoy my vacation instead of it feeling like a burden. I’ve always been able to read others’ emotions well, too, so I was hyper aware of interfering with everyone else’s fun. 

And at the same time, the energy it took trying to “just ignore” everything made me want to hide away in my quiet room, alone. (I now realize that I was experiencing an “HSP hangover,” which left me feeling depleted and irritable. Instead of too much alcohol, I had had too much stimulation.)

What is wrong with me, why am I such a wimp, and why can’t I just enjoy this? I remember thinking.

It wasn’t until a decade later that I learned the meaning of a highly sensitive person (HSP). Within seconds, I understood myself better, and I realized that being an HSP is far more than just being “sensitive.” Knowing that difference helped me accept myself, and maybe it can be a comfort to you, too.

Here’s what I mean.

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“Sensitive” Is an Adjective While “Highly Sensitive” Is a Scientific Personality Trait

Anyone can be sensitive at times in their life — it’s part of being human. For instance, one person may be more receptive to comments about their body, certain foods, or scary or sad movies than others. Sensitivity is normal and, contrary to popular opinion, it’s not a weakness; it actually makes us stronger. 

“Sensitive” can describe many things. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), sensitive means the “awareness of and responsiveness to” others’ feelings. It also means more likely to be “easily hurt or offended.” Both definitions can describe a highly sensitive person, but being sensitive doesn’t always make one an HSP.

Someone might be empathetic to other people or sensitive to judgemental comments — but that doesn’t necessarily make them an HSP. Maybe a person can’t stand the feeling of certain clothing fabrics, but they aren’t as sensitive in other areas of their life. Or their feelings are hurt easily, but they don’t struggle with daily fatigue from too much social interaction. 

Now, “highly sensitive” is more than just a word — it’s a personality trait attributed to three sets of genes. 

Scientifically, it’s called sensory processing sensitivity (SPS). According to research, those with SPS process stimuli more deeply, and they have more positive and negative responses to their environment. 

HSPs have a rich inner life; they are easily overstimulated. For example, a person with SPS might be more reactive to things like:

• Physical and psychological pain
• Artistic expressions, such as paintings or emotional movies
• Loud noises
• Caffeine or alcohol
• Changes in other peoples’ moods
• Hunger (ever notice how easily we HSPs get hangry — hunger + angry?)

When you’re a highly sensitive person, your heightened consciousness can impact everything you do and experience. HSPs literally have differences in their brains compared to non-HSPs. Research shows that HSP brains have more reactive mirror neurons, meaning they are more in tune with “mirroring” others’ feelings.

So when you’re highly sensitive, you process emotions deeply — yours and others’. Not only do we easily absorb others’ emotions, but we HSPs tend to get mentally and emotionally flooded, too.

When anyone has an emotional moment, their senses are heightened and evidence shows that it’s a more vivid experience. This is why someone might say “it seems like just yesterday” or “I can still picture it clearly” when recalling an emotional memory. But since high sensitivity is linked to genes that increase emotional vividness, that’s like turning up the dial on how intensely they experience moving moments.

HSPs are also less impressed by external rewards. The neurotransmitter dopamine plays a role in how humans feel pleasure. And how our brains use dopamine might contribute to personality traits — like being highly sensitive. Compared to non-HSP brains, HSP ones tend to feel rewarded more by internal activities. For example, reading a book or valuing a close friend feels better for highly sensitive types than gaining tons of friends, money, or possessions.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

How to Know if You’re a Highly Sensitive Person, Not Just Sensitive

You might suspect you’re an HSP, but not know for sure. Here are some signs that you are highly sensitive. 

(And if you’re just sensitive but not an HSP, the points below probably won’t apply.)

• A lot of things are “too much.” If you’re an HSP, you’ve probably felt like other people don’t understand how deeply life affects you. Others might have called you “too sensitive” or even “weak” for various reasons. Criticism, violent movies, and even hot or cold temperatures take a lot out of you. When other people don’t feel the same way, they might assume you’re just too picky or complaining too much.
  
  Maybe you’ve noticed that even when someone describes themselves as “sensitive” or is bothered by something, such as a smell, they still seem more under control of their reactions than you. You might wonder, How can others ignore annoyances or distractions so well? What does that say about me? Well, it might be because you’re a highly sensitive person. And that doesn’t mean you have a disorder or are weird or “wrong.” In fact, HSPs make up around 20 percent of the population (if not more). (Dolly Parton may be a highly sensitive person, too!)

• Empathy comes easily — often too easily. HSPs are often good at observing other people; they notice the subtle details of someone’s movements, facial expressions, and reactions to things, leading to self-doubt: Did you say something wrong? Did your comment upset them? Are they judging you?
  
  Highly sensitive types are also pros at reading the room. You sense when a friend or family member is having a hard day. At the same time, you can absorb others’ emotions at the drop of a hat. You can enter a conversation feeling great and leave carrying the other person’s sorrow.
  
  As an HSP, this makes me acutely aware of others’ expressions as I’m talking to them. A single shift in eye contact or subtle mouth movement can tune me into the other person’s feelings. This makes me incredibly empathetic, but also overly anxious about saying or doing something wrong. Over time, I’ve learned that I’m not responsible for what other people think or do in response to me.

• You fall apart without “me” time. Being around a lot of stimuli is draining for an HSP. If you can’t spend too long in crowds, loud places, or areas that require a lot of your senses, you might be an HSP.
  
  As a result, HSPs need a lot of time alone. While HSPs can be introverted or extroverted, downtime is still crucial. You need time to recharge, often in a quiet location with an activity you enjoy. (This is when having an HSP sanctuary comes in handy!)

Why Knowing if You’re an HSP Matters

Sensitivity is a concept that our society is still learning to accept with open arms (and we have a long way to go). And being “sensitive” versus “highly sensitive” might seem like a small contrast for most people. But if you’re an HSP, knowing the difference is life-changing. 

Many HSPs have spent their lives feeling too sensitive for the world; they might think there’s something wrong with them. But, when you understand what being a “highly sensitive person” means and realize that other HSPs exist, it lifts the weights of comparison and shame. And you’ll learn a lot about yourself, too.

Being highly sensitive can make day-to-day interactions exhausting. In contrast with being just “sensitive” to one or two things, HSPs tend to become overwhelmed by any type of stimulation. For example, since HSPs take criticism hard, traditional work environments can be stressful. Crying easily, needing a lot of downtime, and getting drained by other people can interfere with relationships or other opportunities. 

But being an HSP is not doom and gloom. In fact, there are many wonderful benefits to being highly sensitive. HSPs have a keen sense of self-awareness, immense empathy for others, and special appreciation for the small things in life. HSPs also make amazing close friends, partners, and family members.

Understanding the meaning of “highly sensitive” is important for non-HSPs, too. Family members, friends, and coworkers can learn more about what makes someone an HSP and what they need to thrive. We can all understand each other better by talking about what being highly sensitive truly means.

While “sensitive” means being extra aware or responsive to something, “highly sensitive” is a specific personality trait. A highly sensitive person is more sensitive to just about everything in their environment. It’s like taking sensitivity and turning up the dial times a hundred. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You might like:

• 19 Habits of Highly Sensitive People
• How to Explain High Sensitivity to People Who Don’t ‘Get’ It
• Here’s Everything Researchers Know About High Sensitivity, As Of 2021

The post This Is the Difference Between “Sensitive” and “Highly Sensitive” — and Why it Matters appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), do you know what your brain is up to while you’re doing nothing? According to a recent study on HSP brains, the answer might be more than you realized.

So far, researchers have found that HSPs feel emotions more intensely, they’re more easily overwhelmed, and that there are specific genes responsible for making someone highly sensitive. We also know that HSPs process, well, just about everything more deeply than non-HSPs.

A new study published in the journal Neuropsychobiology uncovered some fascinating (and validating) findings about the HSP brain at rest. What we didn’t have before was research on the HSP brain simply existing — not responding to anything at the moment. (And, as an HSP, you probably know that our brains never seem to rest!) 

Bianca Acevedo, a researcher in UC Santa Barbara’s Department of Psychological & Brain Sciences, and author of The Highly Sensitive Brain, was one of the authors of the study. “One of the novel advancements of this research was that in most of the previous brain imaging studies of sensitivity, we’ve tended to look at responses to stimuli,” she said. “This was a study where we just examined what the brain at rest does and how being sensitive affects it.”

How the Study Was Conducted

So you may be wondering how such a study was conducted. Here’s the low-down:

• First, researchers showed a group of adult volunteers descriptions of happy, sad, or neutral events. 
• Then volunteers were shown pictures of the emotional faces of their partners and of complete strangers. The researchers referred to this as an “empathy task.”
• After viewing the descriptions and faces, researchers had the volunteers count backwards from a large number by seven. The point was to “reset” each person’s emotions after the empathy task.
• Participants were asked how they felt after seeing each face picture.
• Finally, researchers instructed the volunteers to relax while each person had their brain scanned.

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Study Results: How the HSP Brain Functions During Rest

The study uncovered various aspects of the highly sensitive brain at rest:

1. HSPs have “depth of processing” during rest.

The participants’ brain activity suggested “depth of processing” after an emotionally exciting event (like viewing the emotional face photos). This is known as “resting-state brain connectivity” — brain activity during a state of rest.

Even though the participants were no longer looking at pictures or emotional descriptions, their brains showed enhanced connectivity in several networks. The higher activity lines up with what we know about those with high sensitivity, also known as sensory processing sensitivity (SPS).

HSPs process everything deeply, and the study suggests the same goes for an HSP brain even when it’s not directly reacting to stimuli. An HSP could be processing something they saw an hour ago, heard days ago, or remembered last month. (So much for our HSP brains shutting off for a while!) 

“What we found was a pattern that suggested that during this rest, after doing something that was emotionally evocative, their brain showed activity that suggested depth of processing,” Acevdeo said of the findings, “and this depth of processing is a cardinal feature of high sensitivity.”

2. HSPs have greater memory connections.

Volunteers who scored high for SPS had significant interactions between two parts of the brain: the precuneus and the hippocampus. This connection has to do with consolidating and retrieving memories.

It makes sense that HSPs would spend more time processing memories; doing so helps us manage the world around us. Reflecting on past experiences can help us prepare for future events, feeling more confident in handling them. 

After an empathy-heavy event, an HSP may replay the person’s sad or happy face through their minds many times. HSPs care deeply about others and want to understand other peoples’ emotions. Because we take on others’ emotions as our own, we also spend time processing other people’s pain, excitement, or frustration (whether we want to or not).

3. Weaker connections were found for areas of the brain responsible for things such as pain and stress regulation.

While some brain areas had strong connections, the study showed weaker connections between:

• The amygdala and the periaqueductal gray, a circuit crucial for regulating anxiety and pain
• The insula and hippocampus, a connection involved in managing stress and processing emotions

According to Acevedo, these weaker links could explain why HSPs often struggle with more anxiety and overstimulation than non-HSPs. The more fragile connection also suggests memory consolidation was happening at a higher level than automatic responses, such as how the brain might react after something stressful.      

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

What These Findings Means for Highly Sensitive People

This new information is a further deep dive into the fascinating HSP brain. While previous research has focused on the response to stimuli, this study suggests that even the HSP brain at rest shows signs of deeper processing and greater connectivity in certain parts of the brain.

It’s exciting to see more research into how the HSP brain functions in any situation. But cool science aside, these studies are validating in meaningful ways. They remind us that:

• HSPs are more responsive in general (and that’s OK). Even though the study’s volunteers were given a counting activity to “reset” after the empathy exercise, their brains may have continued to process that information. The results validate that the HSP brain doesn’t necessarily need stimuli or a stressful event to feel overwhelmed and need more frequent breaks. “The study refreshingly supports exactly why HSPs require more mental health and ‘mental rest’ self-care than most,” Dr. Aprile Andelle, a psychotherapist and mental health advocate, told me. “They think deeply, period.”

• HSPs are more affected by emotional situations, events that involve empathy, and stress. However, we also experience the world’s beauty on a deep level. We could appreciate the beauty of a rose more so than a non-HSP yet also tear up at the slightest thing. The science supports what HSPs feel every day — that they do everything intensely: feeling, thinking, loving, and processing the life around them. And even resting.

• Since the HSP brain can be more active even at rest, HSPs can use this information to understand themselves better. For example, I feel less guilty about needing lots of quiet alone time after a social interaction, when something happens outside of my daily routine, or when I have an HSP hangover. I can rest easier (no pun intended) knowing it’s just a part of how my brain is wired. 

• High sensitivity is real and valid. Research like this highlights crucial brain differences in HSPs. It’s comforting to view scientific explanations for how we think and feel. Although society may not understand sensitivity as much as we’d like, studies like this help show that it is real and valid. And, as more studies about HSPs inevitably come out, we’ll further highlight that people process the world in various ways. Hopefully, growing research will foster continued empathy for alternate ways of being and the importance of mental health care.

• Self-care is critical for HSPs, even during “rest.” Speaking of mental health, as any HSP knows, deeper processing means needing more time to recoup and rest. “It’s why HSPs flourish best with regular therapy, daily meditation or quiet time, weekly time off, or even nightly ‘brain dump’ journaling before bed,” said Dr. Andelle. “I do guided meditations and ‘psychological spring cleaning’ with my HSP clients.”

Overall, this new study reminds HSPs that their brains are processing deeply, even at rest, which just underlines the need for regular breaks and self-care. “All intentional, ongoing mental health practices protect the ever-active and processing HSP mind to calm [down],” said Dr. Andelle. “Hopefully, this helps HSPs feel less struggle or shame — the complexities lie in the workings of the extraordinary HSP brain itself.”

You might like:

• The Difference Between the Highly Sensitive Brain and the ‘Typical’ Brain
• Why Highly Sensitive People May Need More Sleep Than Others
• Here’s Everything Researchers Know About High Sensitivity, As Of 2021

The post HSP Brains Process Everything Deeply, Even at Rest, Study Finds appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are greatly in tune with everything from their environments to their bodies. Compared to non-HSPs, they are acutely aware of things like how sugar affects them, their caffeine and alcohol limits, how much sleep they require (hint: more than non-HSPs), and when they need a break to destress. This sensitivity can make it difficult for others to understand us, especially if friends and loved ones are less aware of subtle shifts in their own bodies. 

And sex is no exception.

Sexual intimacy is an important part of connection for many HSPs. But it’s also different from those who are not highly sensitive. Here are some of the main distinctions to underline, whether you’re an HSP yourself or in a relationship with someone who is highly sensitive.

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10 Ways Sex Is Different for Highly Sensitive People

1. HSPs prefer love and commitment with their intimacy.

HSPs, especially highly sensitive women, often prefer a committed relationship before getting too physical. In many cases, they wait until they love their partner. 

A sensitive person might have trouble jumping into a sexual relationship that doesn’t have a strong emotional connection. According to the results of a survey done by Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, HSP women said they didn’t enjoy sex as much with someone unless they loved them. 

Of course, everyone is different, and that doesn’t mean highly sensitive people can’t have casual sex. But what we know so far has shown us that HSPs tend to need an emotional bond with their partners to truly relax and feel safe in the experience.

2. We might avoid sex due to overarousal.

Even if an HSP enjoys sex, they often need to be in the right headspace to initiate or agree to it. 

Highly sensitive humans are overstimulated in many ways throughout the day. By the time we’ve handled work stress, dealt with work traffic, done household chores, planned out dinner, and been exposed to tons of daily life stimuli, engaging in sexual activities might feel like way too much. 

If you’re an HSP who has had a particularly stressful or busy day, the act of making love might not seem appealing. HSPs might prefer cuddling or watching a good Netflix show (actual “Netflix-and-chilling”) over sex, the latter of which can feel like a rollercoaster on a busy or emotional day.

And the day might not seem “busy” compared to normal standards. HSPs have overactive minds, and we can become exhausted just from processing social interactions or being around too much noise. Many HSPs view sex as wonderful and even magical — we just need time and space to get in the right mood.

3. When HSPs are in the mood, subtle cues are best.

Research shows HSPs have higher positive emotional reactivity than non-HSPs. We experience positive emotions intensely, including the feelings and emotions associated with arousal. 

If touch is too rough or their partner comes on too strong, HSPs may shut down rather than stay engaged. The sudden flip can be frustrating until both parties learn that more is not always better. (Communication is key!)

Small suggestions (rather than strong, explicit cues) turn an HSP on — such as from a gentle touch, a compliment, or a smile from across the room. When a partner knows this, it can make sex — and the moments leading up to it — incredible for both the sensitive person and their partner.

4. The difference between pleasure and pain is a fine line.

HSPs experience everything more intensely than non-HSPs. If something doesn’t feel quite right, it can become painful or uncomfortable. Sensitive people might need to be more communicative with their partners to note sudden or overwhelming feelings. This is just another reason that HSPs might prefer sex with someone they love — because love (hopefully) comes with trust and being comfortable enough to share openly.

HSPs might also worry about expressing when something becomes painful. Maybe they think they shouldn’t be overwhelmed or can tell their partner is enjoying the experience and don’t want to interrupt it. However, this is also why HSPs need partners who listen and can be sensitive to their unique needs.

5. Transitions are so important.

A recent study suggested HSP brains feel things deeply, even “at rest,” after emotionally stimulating experiences. It takes us more time to get back into normal life after something that has us feeling all sorts of ways. 

In the same way, after sex, we might need time to appreciate the moment before we move into the rest of the day (or night). For some, that might mean cuddling or speaking softly with your partner, or just lying quietly.

And that goes the other way, too. HSPs can rarely jump right into something stimulating without proper transitions. Sex might feel like a mountain to climb unless there is a buildup — like time to get in the mood. Telling your partner this can help, as well. For some people, that might mean planning for sex on a specific day or time when you don’t have too much going on before or after. While it might not sound that sexy, the waiting can actually be exciting for both parties! (Plus, it can help reduce overwhelm for us HSPs.)

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. HSPs are sensitive to their partner’s sexual needs.

Research shows that HSPs are often very empathetic because they’re highly in tune with others’ emotions, and that extends to the bedroom. A sensitive person wants their partner to have a good time, and they might avoid sharing their own needs — or discomfort — to make the other person happy.

HSPs pick up on subtleties, like body language, even in bed, and they often know if someone is uncomfortable or not feeling the situation. They might even pick up on cues before their partner is sure what they need. This can make sensitive people very attentive and caring lovers. At the same time, sensitive souls might need to voice their own needs more, especially at the beginning of a relationship, if their partner is less intuitive.

“For HSPs, communication becomes a big part of the emotional connection and intimacy with enjoyable sex,” Dr. Aprile Andelle, a licensed marriage and family therapist who has worked with HSP clients, tells me. “So, sexy talk with a partner, and being open and honest about what you do or do not enjoy, will be a plus.”

7. Variety is not always necessary.

According to Dr. Aron, HSPs “find sex to be more mysterious and powerful than non-HSPs.” At the same time, they prefer routine when it comes to their sex lives. They’re already enchanted enough by the sexual connection and might not feel the need to “complicate” things.

Also, sensitive souls often prefer to take it slow and build up to pleasure. While media might portray great sex as intense with over-the-top orgasms, HSPs may get more fulfillment from subtle movements and slow and steady paces. Too much, too fast can even hurt or have the opposite effect.

8. Distraction might derail things.

Sounds, sights, or even thoughts that creep into the situation might distract an HSP from sex.

If they’re worried about a social interaction earlier in the day, they hear the neighbor mowing the lawn outside, the sheets are too scratchy, there’s too much light (or not enough), etc., it can make it difficult to stay in the mood and enjoy the moment. 

“As an HSP, it’s 100 percent okay to take initiative with sex and ‘set the scene’ of the environment, such as lighting, music, and aesthetics, to manage stimuli,” says Dr. Andelle. 

Partners of HSPs might also use this fact to help set the mood! Ask the HSP what they like (and don’t like), and have fun preparing the perfect conditions. After all, environment is so important to HSPs and can really have an impact on their mood and comfort levels.

9. Overstimulation? No, thanks. Slow and steady is best.

Sensitive people of any gender, including HSP men, can easily become overstimulated. As a result, highly sensitive people might need to stop if they become overly overstimulated during sex and can’t enjoy the moment. 

“HSPs are more likely to focus better on arousal with ‘slow down sex’ rather than quickies, where each party takes their time with touch and sensation,” says Dr. Andelle. So, HSPs, slow and steady is often the place to start.

10. That post-sex emotional hangover…

Even good experiences can feel like a lot for HSPs.

Studies have shown that both males and females experience what’s known as postcoital dysphoria (PCD), or crying, after sex. HSPs tend to cry more easily in general, so if they have intense emotions after a lovemaking session, the experience is completely normal. They might have a strong emotional reaction because they’re happy, satisfied, or just overwhelmed with the whole thing. (This is just another reason we sensitive types need time to decompress from the experience before getting back to life.)

HSPs’ Empathetic Natures Can Make Them Great Sexual Partners

Sex can still feel like a taboo topic, but it’s an important one to talk about, especially concerning HSPs, because our experiences can be different from the norm. Pleasure, preferences, and desires can be complex and exciting for everyone. And for sensitive people, there can be even more layers to what works best. 

But HSPs can (and deserve to!) enjoy sex just like everyone else, and our empathetic natures can make us great lovers. We often just need partners who understand our needs, our concerns, and the need for communication about our differences. 

You might like:

• 12 Things Highly Sensitive People Love in a Partner
• How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 19 Ways Being a Highly Sensitive Person Affects Your Love Life

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 10 Ways Sex Is Different for Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

A couple of years ago, I realized that too much internet is really bad for me. This realization came after months of checking the news first-thing upon waking. At the same time, I was in a few Facebook mental health support groups that I’d check multiple times a day, offering help to others. Although I thought I was doing things “right” by staying informed and being available to many other people for emotional support, underneath it all, I was not doing okay.

I would start my day already exhausted (despite a full night’s sleep), I was irritable, I was rarely doing things I enjoyed, and I began to isolate myself from the world. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was suffering from several common symptoms of compassion fatigue. This was nothing I would have even considered at the time, though, because I didn’t think I could have it.

As it turns out, none of us are immune to compassion fatigue, especially highly sensitive people — and it’s important we know how to recognize it.

What Is Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue is a preoccupation with the suffering of others that causes chronic stress and tension. In other words, it means caring so much that it creates secondary traumatic stress in the carer. Symptoms of compassion fatigue can include:

• Chronic exhaustion (both physical and emotional)
• Isolation
• Apathy
• Feelings of blame or resentment towards the sufferer
• Irritability 
• Headaches
• Trouble sleeping
• Depersonalization (feeling as if you’re observing your body from the outside or that your surroundings aren’t real)

Compassion fatigue originally applied to those in caring professions, such as caregivers, therapists, nurses, or veterinarians, who are around suffering — often, unspeakable suffering — on a daily basis. However, we now live in a world where pain and suffering are present on our TV and computer screens 24 hours a day. 

We can hear of a school shooting across the country within minutes of it happening. We can know about the conditions in other countries from a few taps on a smartphone. We’ve all seen the animal abuse videos or other well-meaning causes as we scroll through social media. It’s a lot for our brains to process — often too much. 

In our constantly-connected modern days, anyone can be at risk of compassion fatigue. However, highly sensitive people, or HSPs, may be especially vulnerable to it.

Are HSPs Prone to Compassion Fatigue?

HSPs have incredible empathy, and they have strong emotional reactions to things. They often feel exhausted after being around strong emotions — or, in this case, pain or suffering — in others. HSPs can actually absorb others’ emotions as their own. While this is a wonderfully empathic quality, it can be dangerous from a mental health standpoint. If HSPs are not careful, they can collapse under the weight of others’ experiences. 

Interestingly, emerging research has suggested the term “compassion fatigue” be replaced with  “empathic distress fatigue” because it may be based on high levels of empathy more than anything else. Empathy is an HSP’s second language, which would explain why HSPs are probably more likely to experience compassion fatigue than others. 

Because of their high empathy and sensitivity to others’ needs, HSPs are often drawn to caring professions — the ones where compassion fatigue rates are high. This means HSPs especially should be mindful of signs of compassion fatigue and burnout.

If you’re worried about suffering from compassion fatigue, it’s likely you already are. The first step toward remedying it is developing that awareness so you can move forward. There are also things you can do to prevent compassion fatigue from happening or worsening.

6 Ways to Prevent Compassion Fatigue

1. Limit your news and social media consumption.

Make a habit of noticing how you feel when watching the news or scrolling through social media. For me, I know I’ve “consumed” too much when I start to feel anxious, mad, or completely overwhelmed. My HSP brain tells me I need to watch or read these things to stay informed. But I’ve recognized that it’s not actually helping anyone if I’m too overwhelmed to function. 

Track how much time you’re spending on your phone and watching the news, then compare it to when you notice the information starts to affect your mood. Try setting a daily limit for how long you will do these activities, after which you’ll turn them off and be more present with life in front of you. 

2. Recognize what you can’t control.

Pain and suffering are part of life. HSPs really feel what others are going through, and they want to help, which can make it feel like we must fix everything and everyone. (I know because I’ve been there — many times!) However, it’s important to recognize that we cannot control a lot of the suffering that happens in the world. We can do the most good by being kind, listening carefully, and helping within our limits.

3. Identify inappropriate guilt.

It’s easy to spiral when experiencing compassion fatigue. Feelings of resentment or blame may turn into guilt at what you’re feeling, which pulls you further into darkness. It’s important to notice when you have what my therapist calls “inappropriate guilt.” These are thoughts that don’t actually hurt anyone else unless you act on them. 

Recognize that, if you are experiencing compassion fatigue, you might have feelings of resentment toward those in your care or those you see suffering (as strange as that may sound). While you might feel guilty about these thoughts, they are a completely normal part of compassion fatigue. They don’t make you a bad person, and since they are simply thoughts, the only person they can hurt is you. Resentment, judgment, or other negative thoughts act as a sign that you need more time to focus on yourself and work through your emotions — which ultimately helps both you and those in your care.

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4. Remember, everyone is their own person.

It’s often hard for HSPs to separate their experiences from those of other people. Boundaries are difficult when you can deeply empathize with what someone is going through and feel like you are in their shoes. However, it’s vital to remember that each person is different and their own separate person. 

Everyone deserves the space to walk in their own journey. It’s okay to put yourself in their shoes long enough to understand and empathize, but it is not healthy for either party to hold the sufferer’s pain as your own identity.

5. Have hobbies and self-care practices that are just for you. 

Many people who suffer from compassion fatigue were taught early on to care for others before themselves. They may struggle with self-care because they feel it’s a waste of time or selfish. Gradually incorporating self-care practices can help you get more comfortable with having compassion for yourself as well as others. 

For me, self-care looks like making time for activities I love: quiet reading, cooking healthy meals, home workouts, and practicing piano (a new hobby I’ve recently picked up). It includes saying no more to things that drain me, getting more sleep, and taking regular breaks.

Doing things you enjoy — for the simple reason that you enjoy them, outside of your work — takes your mind off the rest of the world and re-connects you with yourself. It reminds you that your inner world is just as deserving of compassion as other people.

6. Practice self-compassion.

HSPs are fantastic at recognizing suffering in others — but they tend to overlook it in themselves. You can practice self-compassion by recognizing that: 

1. You are suffering (rather than ignoring it).
2. Suffering is a part of the shared human experience.
3. You can hold your negative thoughts and emotions in mindful awareness (rather than getting swept away with them).

Self-compassion can be a helpful practice for anyone prone to compassionate fatigue. In acute medical care nurses, for example, self-compassion has been shown to have a “moderating effect on compassion fatigue” and even help predict which individuals will suffer from it. Self-compassion can be grounding and prevent you from neglecting your own needs when overwhelmed by the suffering of others.

We live in a loud, digitally-connected, and information-overloaded world. Compassion fatigue is very real and especially common when you’re very sensitive to the pain of others. Thankfully, there are ways to gain perspective and develop a balance that keeps you not only afloat but thriving.

Do you suffer from compassion fatigue? How do you deal with it? Let me know in the comments below.

You might like:

• 13 Problems Only HSPs Will Understand
• Do You Cry Easily? You Might Be a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Be Happy

The post For HSPs, ‘Compassion Fatigue’ Is All Too Real appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

My husband walked in the door, and I could instantly feel it. Sadness. Exhaustion. He had had a long, hard day at work. And while I tried to put on a smile and be uplifting for him, I could feel my emotional state slipping too. Swiftly and uninvited, I felt despair — even though I’d actually had a good day.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I’ve felt others’ emotions deeply for as long as I can remember. As a teenager, I’d come home worked up and angry after hanging with a friend who was mad at their parents. Or I could tell when a loved one was having a hard time, even if they didn’t say a thing. I can often walk into a room/office/store and pick up on the emotions of those in it.

And it happens whether I want it or not. 

I can’t “not feel” people’s emotions as an HSP.

People want me to be able to. They tell me to control my emotions. They say I’m overreacting. And, yes, sometimes it’s inconvenient. But when you’re highly sensitive to your environment, it’s not as simple as flipping a switch and silencing everything. As an HSP, I’m wired a little differently — and that comes with unique challenges (as well as strengths).

Here’s a look at what it’s like to sense emotions, why it happens, and how to stop it from overwhelming you.

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What It Feels Like to ‘Feel’ Everything

HSPs are more in tune with the subtleties in other people. We’re highly receptive to tones of voice, hand gestures, facial expressions, or even how someone moves differently based on their mental state. And we can soak up others’ emotions like a sponge. 

This can be tiring. I tend to prefer a night in versus parties, and I think it’s mainly because I know I can’t avoid others’ emotions when I’m out. When someone is sad, I often feel like I’ve climbed into their head and grasped the core of their suffering. I don’t know the story, but I know something is “off” — and I begin to feel uneasy. Sometimes I won’t realize that uneasiness comes from someone else instead of my own experience. 

Of course, there’s a tempting solution: I could simply avoid being around other people (or going on the internet, or texting, or taking phone calls). But that’s obviously not healthy or realistic all the time. So, it’s better for me to accept that I will likely feel a lot when I see friends or family. It’s just part of my experience.

Yes, Absorbing Emotions Is in Your Genes

Many highly sensitive people and empaths describe their experience in almost spiritual terms. This is validating because it’s often true to our experience; it feels like something intangible is happening to us. 

At the same time, make no mistake: There’s also a scientific basis for it. 

There are at least three sets of genes that can contribute to being a highly sensitive person. One of those genes basically enhances emotional responses to what we sense and experience — in ourselves and from others.

Even the formal name for high sensitivity — sensory processing sensitivity or SPS — refers in part to this. SPS means someone’s brain processes physical and emotional stimuli more deeply. We look at the same amount of social and emotional “data” that’s out there for everyone else to see, but we process every bit of it. 

In other words, sensing others’ emotions is a part of being highly sensitive, which means it’s a part of me. If I could completely “turn off” sensing those emotions, I’d have to turn off a core part of who I am.

Sensing Emotions Is Hard, But It’s Something to Be Proud Of

As much as feeling other people’s emotions can be exhausting, I wouldn’t change it for two main reasons:

• It’s made me more empathetic to what other people go through, and
• It’s given me an open-minded view of the world.

Being empathetic has allowed me to deeply connect with loved ones who needed someone to listen to them. People have generally felt comfortable opening up to me, and I think it’s because I pick up on their joy or suffering easily.

But I wasn’t always proud of it. For the first 20+ years of my life, I struggled with how much I would feel. I thought not being able to turn it off was a weakness to be fixed. And it took me a long time to learn how to mange it without getting overwhelmed. 

Here are five ways I’ve learned to manage it — and even, at times, control it.

5 Ways to Not Collapse Under Other People’s Emotions

1. Acknowledge your sensitivity is part of you.

Since I can’t “turn off” sensing what others are feeling, I begin with acceptance instead. I’ve spent many years of my life trying to grow a tougher skin and blaming myself for being so sensitive. Today, I realize that isn’t the answer. 

I am highly sensitive, I always have been, and that part of me isn’t changing. It’s a part of who you are too, and it allows you and me to interact with this world in a very unique way.

Instead of trying to fight it, I can live my life in a way that fits my sensitive nature. And I can use that as a way to better care for myself.

2. Explain the emotional connection to loved ones.

My husband knows that I am sensitive to the smallest things. Since we’ve had many conversations about this, he knows not to take it personally if I absorb tough emotions he’s experiencing. (I’ve also made it clear that I do still want him to come to me with his feelings; I just might need some extra time to process them.)

But communication is two-directional, and I have learned not to take how he’s feeling personally either. That’s not always easy, but it helps to remind myself that it’s not about me. If he’s feeling sad and I sense it, for example, I remind myself it could be something he’s going through at work or with a friend or family member. I can feel the sadness with him, but I don’t have to act.

Another technique that helps it to imagine myself mentally “zooming out” from the experience. I pretend I’m viewing the situation as a casual (yet very kind) third observer. It allows me to look at what’s happening without making it too personal. 

Then, I can think about what that observer would say about the situation and words of advice they would give. Most of the time, it helps me to recognize the moment isn’t as hard or intense as it feels.

Want to reduce stress and thrive as an empath? We recommend these online courses from psychotherapist and sensitivity expert Julie Bjelland. Click here to learn more.

3. Be mindful of emotions that are not yours.

Mindfulness has been incredibly helpful for nurturing my highly sensitive nature. When I feel powerful emotions, from myself or others, I’m prone to reacting immediately. I call this “damage control” because it’s like my mind is trying to fix whatever is making me feel bad — right now!

Instead of reacting to or avoiding how I feel right away, I try to do the following:

• Give the emotions space, letting myself feel them without judgment or shame.
• Remind myself that no emotion lasts forever.
• Ask, “Is this coming from me or from someone else?”

If I realize an emotion has come from someone else, it helps to separate from it and not absorb it as my own.

Mindfulness can be so powerful for HSPs. It takes some practice, but if you can accept what you’re feeling without trying to push it away — just observe it — it’s easier to handle.

4. Have compassion for your sensitive self.

When you absorb others’ emotions, self-compassion is a must. It’s tough carrying the weight of other people’s feelings on top of what’s happening in your own life.

Practice being the most loving, unconditional friend to yourself. Accept that you can’t completely avoid picking up other people’s emotions — but you can recognize that it’s hard sometimes and do what’s necessary to care for yourself.

Here are three ideas to help you practice self-compassion:

• Tell yourself, “Hey, this is hard for me right now.” All humans deal with suffering, so it’s normal if you’re having a hard time processing everything. You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do.
• Give yourself comfort. It might sound silly, but simply giving yourself a gentle hug or stroking your arms can release the same chemicals as when someone else is hugging you. (Asking a friend for a hug, of course, is a darn fine idea, too.)
• Ask yourself what you need. What will help you move through the emotions you’re feeling? Is it something you can give yourself, or do you need to ask something of a friend or loved one? 

Even if you can’t give yourself what you need right in the moment, acknowledging that your emotions are hard — and that it’s part of being human — can help reduce suffering.

5. Prioritize your emotional needs.

Because sensitive people are more tuned in to emotions, we can use that heightened awareness to recognize our own emotional needs. Personal needs must come first if we want to show up for others. For me, that often looks like: 

• Having some quiet time every day, such as reading a book with a good cup of coffee.
• Talking my feelings out loud to someone I trust or just to myself!
• Saying no to things when I need a break. I’ve learned there’s no shame in declining an invite just because I need time to sit alone on my couch, cuddle with my dogs, and watch a movie.

Sensing Emotions Makes You Valuable

Truthfully, even if I could “turn off” the way I sense other people’s emotions, I wouldn’t do it. Now that I better understand my high sensitivity, I see it as is a gift (albeit sometimes in disguise). 

Being an HSP has allowed me to understand others’ views of the world better. And I’m able to be there for loved ones when they need empathy and kindness. I view my dialed-up emotional receptor as a real-world superpower — and if you’re a fellow HSP reading this, I hope you can see it that way too.

You might like:

• 13 Signs That You’re an Empath
• How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect?

The post This Is Why HSPs Can’t ‘Turn Off’ Sensing Other People’s Emotions appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.