Developing meaningful, lasting friendships as a highly sensitive person (HSP) can be challenging. HSPs need many breaks from social interaction, they are easily frazzled by last-minute plans, and they rarely care about shallow meet-ups or canned conversations. Plus, the settings that others might enjoy, such as clubs, bars, or loud concerts, can be a sensory nightmare when you’re highly sensitive. 

Connecting with other people who get or share these needs might feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. (Or perhaps something more pleasant than a needle because, as an HSP myself, I know HSPs are more sensitive to pain, too. Perhaps a feather? A puppy? Anyway, you get the idea.) Point being, sensitive people crave deep social connections, and we get a lot of fulfillment from supporting other humans. But, at the same time, we’re easily overwhelmed by social activities and drained by those who don’t require the amount of alone time we do.

If you’re an HSP who has struggled to make friends you feel comfortable around, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can develop friendships with like-minded people that feel right; it just might take some time. It also helps to know what you value most in someone you call a friend. And those who are friends with an HSP can provide the most support by understanding what sensitive people need most from a friendly relationship.

With that in mind, let’s look at some of the friend qualities that mean the most to HSPs.

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6 Qualities HSPs Value Most in a Friend

1. They feel most comfortable with friends who respect their boundaries.

One thing I value about my best friendships is the mutual respect for space and boundaries. We often plan get-togethers well ahead of time, and plans are low-pressure, perfect for my HSP brain. Spur-of-the-moment or last-minute plans leave me anxious and frazzled, mainly because I do best when my day (and week) is planned out early. 

A good friend also gets the importance of mental health. If someone needs to cancel and spend time cuddling with their pets for the evening instead of being social, that’s understood and encouraged. Demanding that the friend get out — no matter what — is a recipe for burnout and distrust. HSPs value people who recognize the need for downtime as much as they do.

2. Mutual sharing is also crucial (no energy vampires allowed!).

Sensitive people appreciate friendships that feel respectful and laid-back, listening to each other’s needs. Respect is also about giving as much as you get. HSPs tend to be exceptional listeners; we like to help others work through things they’re struggling with. If the relationship is imbalanced, the HSP might become an off-the-clock therapist, meeting the friend’s needs but feeling drained in return. These are known as energy vampires, and HSPs are especially vulnerable to them.

Healthy HSP friendships deeply support each other, using listening as a two-way street. HSPs often put others’ needs above their own, doing whatever they can to help a friend feel better. A highly sensitive person needs friends who appreciate their care, won’t abuse it, and are happy to reciprocate.

3. Listening without judgment lets HSPs be themselves in a friendship.

HSPs care a lot about what other people think of them. It’s because we care deeply about others’ emotions and feelings, and we don’t like upsetting anyone. Therefore, an HSP might hide their actual emotions and feelings if they feel the other person will judge them.

HSPs tend to have non-traditional jobs, passion projects, and alternate ways of looking at the world. They’re also (obviously) more sensitive than the average person and need space to express if something upsets them or they need to vent. 

A true friend will listen and encourage their sensitive friend to do what makes them happy, even if they don’t fully understand it. Basically, HSPs need a friend who will let them be themselves — because that’s what the friend will get in return!

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Deep convos are always better than casual chit-chat.

Superficial relationships are surface-level, ripe with polite “how are yous” or uncomfy workplace gossip. While every relationship will have a bit of that, HSPs often find shallow interactions draining and unfulfilling. 

Instead, sensitive people tend to value friendships that aren’t afraid to go deeper, covering profound topics like: 

• What matters most to us during this short stint we call life
• What makes us most excited each day
• Traumas we’ve experienced (and how they’ve shaped us)
• What we’re reading right now (and what it’s teaching us)
• Our favorite childhood memories
• Belief systems or philosophies we subscribe to
• What needs to change about mental health awareness
• What the world needs to be more compassionate

HSPs spend a lot of time thinking about things they might not feel comfortable voicing to loved ones. Friends who will have those deep, often tough, conversations are precious in an HSP’s life.

5. We appreciate friends who notice when we’re MIA.

Sensitive people often retreat into their own minds (and homes) when they’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed. When I’m going through a lot, I know that it feels like I only have energy for work, quick meals, and caring for my dogs. 

Even if I truly need someone to talk to, the process of reaching out feels heavy, and I worry about burdening other people with my problems. Plus, the act of actually opening up can be tough in its own right. Some HSPs struggle with anxiety or depression, but they might struggle to voice it to anyone.

Sensitive people know that everyone is preoccupied with their own lives, which is often why we don’t talk to others when we’re feeling too much. So, it means a lot when someone takes the time to simply reach out and check on us if they haven’t heard from us in a while. 

A simple text or message saying, “Hey, just thinking of you! How have you been feeling?” can mean the world and help the HSP get out of their shell. (And just know that we sensitive types value the message sincerely even if we don’t answer right away — because, for me, even answering a text or an email when my energy is drained feels like a monumental task, and it can take some time.)

It’s always a good rule of thumb to check on your friends if they’ve been absent from social media or haven’t contacted anyone. And this is especially valuable for HSPs. Friends can check in and then ask about scheduling a social activity at a later date, even if it’s a video call. Any amount of contact shows the friend cares, encouraging the HSP to feel comfortable enough to reciprocate.

6. Like-minded friends feel like home for HSPs.

Highly sensitive people value friends who “get” them — and what better situation for that than a friendship between HSPs?

When I connect with other HSPs (online or in-person), I can often sense they’re one before they even say so. It’s probably because HSPs are highly in tune with their environments, picking up on other people’s subtleties and reactions. 

Connecting with other HSPs often feels like a sigh of relief or a warm hug at the end of a long day. It’s easier for us to open up and relax around those who understand (and also experience) our high sensitivity. There’s less pressure to explain what makes us tick or apologize for “being too sensitive” because the other person knows what it’s like! 

Now, of course, no friendship is perfect. We’re all human, including HSPs and non-HSPs. And because we’re imperfect humans, it can take time for sensitive people to find like-minded friends and develop the types of friendships we value most. But knowing what matters to us in a relationship helps us seek out others who are probably looking for the same thing — which seems an excellent path to healthy, mutually fulfilling friendships. 

You might like:

• How to Be a Good Friend to a Highly Sensitive Person
• Do You Crave Deeper, More Meaningful Friendships? You’re Not Alone
• How to Explain High Sensitivity to People Who Don’t ‘Get’ It

The post What Highly Sensitive People Value Most in a Friend appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Emily was a true friend — my best friend of two decades — who loved me from the heart, and our friendship had survived countless flaws, mistakes, and even difficult-but-honest conversations. 

Then Emily became someone I no longer wanted to be friends with. It was a highly sensitive person’s nightmare. 

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The Hard Feelings of a Changing Friendship

Emily’s friendship was one I never imagined walking away from, and I never expected her personality to begin to change. It all started when she fell into a friend group with a nihilistic worldview. Her perspective — and most importantly her attitude — changed dramatically under the influence of her new friends. 

Over a year’s time, she became fault-finding and reactive. She began to complain about everyone who didn’t share her recently developed perspective of life. She stopped being able to see me in a positive light, and she rejected the uplifting words I offered her. 

I really hoped, and even assumed, that she was just going through a phase. I decided I would do my best to just keep being there for her. After all, what were best friends for? But one year after her personality changes surfaced, I realized that it wasn’t a phase — it was something she was embracing intentionally. 

I had to face the very unpleasant reality that Emily was no longer treating me well and that our conversations were taking a toll on my mental health. I was absorbing her negative emotions, and it felt exhausting. This sudden realization was unexpected, even shocking, to me. I just hadn’t seen it coming. I hadn’t seen my own feelings coming.

Knowing When It’s Time to Walk Away

Two years before things started to change with Emily, I discovered that I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP). I am so glad I did because it helped me acknowledge and honor my sensitivity in this particular personal crisis. For me, it meant needing to avoid unnecessary pain and drama with Emily, which could have easily overwhelmed me and left me with a tormenting regret for years to come. 

But it also meant I shouldn’t be avoidant. Rather, I would need to do or say only what was necessary — not more — to cut ties with Emily. If I had listened to voices other than my own, I would have felt the pressure to sit down with Emily and formally end the friendship — in person, of course. After all, Emily and I had already weathered difficult, face-to-face conversations during our long-held friendship. So wasn’t it only right that I do that now?

No. I couldn’t — just couldn’t — “break up” with Emily. After all that we had been through together over a span of 20 years, there was something incredibly overwhelming to me about that prospect. The idea was so unthinkable to me that it was almost laughable. And given her personality changes, her reaction to such a conversation would be anything but understanding.

Meanwhile, Emily and I had plans to get together for a weekend. As I wrestled with what to do, the clock was ticking. Nothing in me wanted to spend any more time with her. But how in the world was I going to get out of our upcoming plans without either ghosting or “breaking up” with her? 

I had to figure out what was best for me. I had to get creative — fast.

One of the Most Difficult Things I’ve Ever Done

I decided to throw out the advice others had given me about having friendship-ending conversations in person. I also cast aside any pressure to tell Emily officially that the friendship was over. I questioned whether I really needed to be that confrontational — the key word there is “questioned.” As an HSP, I have often found it necessary to question the assumptions some people make about the right thing to do and say in a given situation. 

Although still very stressful, writing to Emily was something that I could handle. So I typed her an email. I needed to share with her what I was experiencing inwardly. I didn’t want to accuse her, but rather explain to her about the hardship I was having in our friendship. I also decided I needed to be specific about why: I needed to let her know that her personality changes were the reason. Finally, I needed to get out of our weekend plans. I couldn’t spend any more time with her at that point.

I typed it all out and pushed “Send.”

I know my email must have been hard for her to read, and her response was quite angry. She and I haven’t seen each other since she wrote me back. It was difficult to upset her, but I still feel that my message was as caring and considerate as possible under the troubling circumstances. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

The ‘Right’ Way to End a Friendship

If I hadn’t known I am an HSP, I might have succumbed to someone else’s opinion about how to end a friendship. Other people’s advice and opinions can pressure us into scenarios that result in more pain and stress than is actually necessary, overwhelming us and leading to regret. Those of us who are highly sensitive have a greater need to protect ourselves from such things. We know so well that we are more intensely impacted by psychological pain and often require more time to recover than less sensitive people do.

But since I do know and honor my sensitive nature, I came up with a way to walk away from Emily that kept me from being utterly overwhelmed for a long time to come. My story inspired me to write an entire book geared toward highly sensitive people about how to walk away from a friendship. One of the most important steps I write about is taking time to discern the specific issues in the friendship that impact you negatively. Often, once things have gotten bad, it’s hard to see the specific change or changes that caused it. But those are the things that will help you see through the confusion and anger.

Once you’ve done that, ending the friendship is more manageable. Choose a mode of communication that feels the least overwhelming to you, and share just three things with your friend:

• What you’re experiencing as an HSP in your friendship.
• The reasons behind your experience.
• Your present-time decision that establishes the distance you need from your friend. Avoid talking about the future; you don’t actually know what may or may not change, but you do know what you need to do now for your own wellbeing. 

Ending friendships overwhelms highly sensitive people, especially when voices all around offer advice that doesn’t match our experience of the world. Although HSPs are not all alike, I think we can agree with the strong need to listen to ourselves rather than to those who don’t understand the way we can become overwhelmed. 

This sometimes means we need to get creative. We don’t need to act or speak in a cookie-cutter manner. Rather, we can come up with words and actions that, while considerate of others, also honor our sensitivity. I look back on my email to Emily and know for sure that’s just what I did. And I am at peace.

Cara Menae Miller is the author of How to End a Friendship Nicely: An Approach for Highly Sensitive People. Click here to get your copy. You may also want to get a copy of her quote journal for HSPs.

You might like:

• It’s Okay to Disconnect From Toxic People to Protect Yourself
• 4 Types of Unhealthy Friendships for Highly Sensitive People
• My Life Changed When I Learned I was a Highly Sensitive Person

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Why Ending a Friendship Overwhelms Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Deep conversations feed my soul. Although I’m an introvert who recharges in solitude, I’ve found there are some people who give me energy. I’m invigorated by people who can talk to me about feelings, dreams, passions, or intentions. In short, anytime someone can hold a conversation that goes deep beneath the surface it gives me life. 

On the flip side, I hate small talk: The weather, how my weekend was, where I got my shoes. You know what I mean. Conversations that barely scratch the surface — because they’re trapped in the cycle of niceties and politeness — give me the same feeling as driving up to Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday. 

If you can relate, you might be a highly sensitive person (HSP) — someone who processes all information more deeply and, for that reason, often craves deeper connection. 

(Wondering if you’re a highly sensitive person? See if these signs sound like you.)

Why Sensitive People Crave Deeper Connection

As an HSP, I used to think something was wrong with me for dreading big social gatherings or networking events where I’d spend the entire night repeating the same introduction — and having the same small talk — over and over again. During those occasions, I’d also feel my body tense while sitting at the dinner table, trying to tune into just one of dozens of conversations happening around me. Because HSPs are more in tune to the subtle details of their surroundings, we often feel overstimulated in busy environments, especially when it means we have to engage in small talk.

Similarly, if I’m around a group of friends — acquaintances, more like — who can’t move beyond small talk to dive into bigger ideas and bigger feelings, I tend to feel exhausted. Research shows HSPs feel emotions more strongly than others because our brains are wired differently. As a result, the types of connections we make with other people can either feed us or drain us. And the more shallow the connection, the more draining it is. 

All of this can leave us feeling lonely — even if we have a lot of people in our life, or even when we’re with others. If you can relate, it might be time to reflect upon your friendships and the connections you’ve formed. Here are six ways you can create deeper, more meaningful relationships — with neighbors, co-workers, friends, and family.

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6 Ways to Create Deeper Connections

1. Deepen the questions you normally ask.

We’re taught that small talk is polite. But you can remove it from your vocabulary and change the way you interact with others. 

• Ask “How do you feel” instead of “How are you?” 
• Ask someone what they’ve struggled with lately
• Get to the root of an intention and ask why
• If you feel nervous about a lull in the conversation, invite the other person in and ask, “What do you think about that?” 

Often, we’ll wait for someone else to take the lead and deepen a moment. But HSPs: you have the power, too! When you ask deeper questions, you open yourself to learning more about the other person and forging a bigger connection. 

For instance, I was introduced to someone who met her boyfriend cycling across the country. My normal, socially anxious response would have been, “How tired were you at the end of the day?” (A fine question, but a surface one.) Instead, I challenged myself to go a little deeper and ask, “What did you find most challenging about cycling across the country?” She shared with me how monotonous waking up and doing the same thing (cycling for approximately 100 miles) for three months straight felt. 

2. Use your HSP superpower to sense what the other person needs.

Sometimes it may feel like a person isn’t interested in carrying on a conversation with you, which can affect us because we tend to absorb emotions more than others. But you can use your HSP superpower to be empathetic about how they might be feeling and take your connection to a new level by addressing it. 

Maybe they also find small talk challenging, in which case move to medium talk by asking the deeper questions mentioned above. Or maybe they’re going through something emotionally difficult — and you can offer to be that kind ear they need. 

Instead of assuming that people don’t want to have a conversation with you, direct the conversation in a meaningful way by using what your superpower has picked up on — or by asking them questions (if appropriate) to get a better sense of what they really need in the situation.

3. Use small talk to get deep — about yourself.

In The Secret Lives of Introverts, Jenn Granneman — the co-founder of this site — invites introverts to be comfortable sharing more about themselves. The same invitation can be extended to HSPs, who are also likely to withhold information when it comes to personal details and anecdotes. 

If your goal is to create deeper and more meaningful friendships, accept the fact that many people will want to learn more about you. Use small talk as an opportunity to share more about yourself, what you’re working on, and what you’re passionate about. This gives people who want to connect with you an invitation to dive deeper because you’re making it clear that’s who you are and what you value. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Practice radical honesty.

Speaking of personal information: The majority of the world doesn’t process emotions like HSPs, so you may have been told that talking about your feelings is not safe. Put simply, radical honesty is a practice by author Brad Blanton that involves being completely truthful, even when most people would tell a white lie instead. It’s based on the idea that we trap ourselves in a web of dishonesty, which actually prevents others from connecting with us on a deep level. 

Sharing honestly can deepen connections and friendships. Although our natural instinct is to withhold information about ourselves, sharing a true opinion — or how you’re feeling about something — can help two people understand each other much more authentically.

Here are examples of how to be radically honest:

• “I don’t feel ready to join you at a big party where I don’t know anyone.”
• “This is hard for me to admit, but…”
• “I’m having trouble concentrating on the conversation…”
• “In order to be comfortable, I need…”

We can often carry the weight of the world on our shoulders as HSPs, but it’s important we learn how to be true to ourselves and our own needs. And sometimes this means speaking up — honestly. 

5. Surround yourself with a safety net of people you trust.

While you’re growing your network of deep friendships, you might encounter people who criticize or trigger you. Because HSPs take on the emotions of others, it’s common for them to feel what others feel. For similar reasons, HSPs are affected by triggering remarks. 

Accept that you cannot please everyone — including family. So be selective with the relationships in your life; deep friendships often end up being a matter of quality over quantity. Surround yourself with people who lift you up versus toxic people who are prone to criticize. You can’t always control how other people treat you, but you can control whether or not you continue to make a place for them in your life. 

According to Dr. Elaine Aron, who first identified high sensitivity, studies show that HSPs react strongly to positive environments. Creating your own positive environment will allow your personality to shine — which could include holding small social intimate gatherings full of people who build you up rather than tear you down.  

6. Forgive yourself.

We’re prone to overanalyzing the way we act in situations. So next time you feel trapped in a cage of your thoughts during a new conversation or an uncomfortable one, remember to breathe. Most people don’t pay the same kind of attention to the small details you’re spinning your wheels about.

If you feel nervous or you make a misstep when interacting with someone new or someone you’re hoping to deepen a connection with, be easy on yourself. Friendships aren’t perfect and you won’t be either. Practice kindness — first and foremost with yourself — as you search for and develop greater meaning in your connections.

You might like: 

• 4 Types of Unsafe Friendships for Highly Sensitive People
• Why Ending a Friendship Overwhelms Highly Sensitive People
• 8 Things I Wish People Knew About Me as an HSP

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Do You Crave Deeper, More Meaningful Friendships? You’re Not Alone appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

My best friend at university was a crazymaker. Crazymakers, according to Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, are “those personalities that create storm centers. They are often charismatic, frequently charming… and for the creative person in their vicinity, they are enormously destructive.”

My friend fit this description perfectly. It took me some time to realize it, and I’ll never blame her or judge her for this, but I do know our friendship was a toxic one. She was the parent; I was the child. I did as she said, and often, as she did. I listened to her dramatic tales (and because I had no boundaries, I let them affect me much more than was good for me) and pandered to her — often irrational — demands.

While I occasionally stood my ground, this caused more trouble than I felt it was worth — she would be understandably shocked at this dramatic, often furious, switch — and over time, I learned to just do my best to obey.

It wasn’t until a couple of years after graduating that I had enough distance and security built up in my life that I took the plunge and “broke up” with my unsafe friend. 

If you identify as a highly sensitive person (or HSP), you might feel like it’s harder for you to make friends (and keep them) than it is for others. You might also have received the message from society that the more friends you have, the better. Or that you need to keep all of the friends you make for the entirety of your life.

But the truth is, you don’t. And not all friendships are good for you as an HSP. Let me explain.

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What HSPs Need From Their Friends

The truth is, friendships are not about quantity: they’re about quality. An HSP can be fulfilled in their relationships even if they have only a few close friends, so long as those friends are a good match for the HSP’s unique needs.

An ideal friendship for an HSP is a truly meaningful one. We thrive on strong, solid, and deep connections. It’s a bit like the HSP heart is always seeking a signal, like your phone does when searching for Wi-Fi. If that signal is weak, the connection is weak and not enough sustenance comes through — much like a slow-loading video on your phone. The HSP just can’t get what they need.

For an HSP, connection means being able to get vulnerable, yet still feel safe. To listen and to be heard. To have their inner depth reflected back to them. Anything less than this can feel superficial, and it isn’t going to feed a sensitive person. At its worst, a shallow friendship can be extremely draining for a highly sensitive person, who gives so much of themselves in each authentic connection. 

Holding onto unsafe friendships is going to have a dramatic impact on an HSP’s wellbeing, arguably more so than for others. For one, HSPs are much more prone to feeling overstimulated, from either their outer environment or their inner environment. Friends who demand an HSP hang out at busy, loud places are naturally going to trigger that overstimulation, as will a friend who burdens the HSP with emotional baggage, negativity, or chaos. 

So it’s not being “picky” or “unfriendly.” HSPs truly benefit from being careful with who they call a friend. And if you’re an HSP yourself, you may be relieved to know that some friends are best left out of your life. 

There are four types of friendships in particular that I believe are unsafe for highly sensitive people.

4 Types of ‘Unsafe’ Friends

1. The Shallow Friendship

Small talk is something most HSPs will firmly agree is not their favorite pastime. An HSP would much rather connect with a friend through profound conversation about the meaning of life, the origins of the universe, and other high-minded topics. A friendship based on superficial gossip or chitchat about the weather is unlikely to appeal for very long.

The problem with small talk is it doesn’t return the energy it requires for an HSP: You don’t get out what you put in. A deep and meaningful conversation might require more cognitive capacity but is much more rewarding for the sensitive mind. A friendship that allows for this is much more beneficial for an HSP.

2. The Judgmental Friendship

Owning their high sensitivity as a trait to be celebrated is key for the self-confidence and wellbeing of an HSP. We need our loved ones to be supportive, not judgmental — especially as we go through periods of self-discovery and self-understanding.

A judgmental friend will subtly (or not so subtly) suggest that there is something fundamentally wrong with being an HSP. “You’re too sensitive,” they might say. They may judge the choices the HSP makes, berating them for their preferences and behaviors. Or they may simply show impatience and annoyance every time the HSP needs a little extra time to process. 

A friend like this is no fun to be around, and not healthy in the long run. An HSP will do much better around people who love and accept them as they are — high sensitivity and all.

3. The Draining Friendship

Most HSPs are blessed with the skills of compassion and high empathy, which naturally attracts others who wish to make use of their listening skills. That on its own is healthy; it’s one of the gifts HSPs offer the world. A draining friend, however, will take advantage of the HSP by offloading any and all of their own emotional issues — without ever giving in return. 

While sharing burdens and helping each other is a vital part of a good friendship, there is a boundary that must be drawn especially for highly sensitive people. Without strong boundaries, an HSP can feel drained of their energy and personal resources. Many can “pick up” or “absorb” the energy of others, and if this is felt in a negative way, it can have some serious negative consequences for the HSP.

A reciprocal friendship is founded on respect. Both individuals are there to listen to each other and support each other through challenges. Both sides will also agree to respect each other’s energy needs, and give each other space without overly burdening the other.

4. The Straight-Up Demanding Friendship

The need for space is crucial for HSPs, whether they are introverts or extroverts. HSPs use quiet time to avoid overstimulation and process everything we’ve taken in. This doesn’t mean HSPs need to spend all their time alone, but it’s important to have some space in between events or interactions.

But some friends refuse to give that space. They may demand that the HSP stay out at the bar later than they would have liked. Worse still, they may even berate the HSP for leaving early or not attending an event. This kind of demanding behavior can become incredibly stressful, forcing the HSP to choose between two hurtful outcomes: letting someone down by leaving early or suffering overwhelm and burnout by staying out. This can build up as resentment — sometimes offloaded in an explosion of emotion at a later time.

For an HSP, a good friend respects their needs for space and alone time, and supports any decision they make to come or go to an event. Even a friend who likes a faster pace will accept a sensitive person’s need to take things slow — if they’re a good friend. 

Not every friendship is perfect, of course. But an HSP can save a lot of time and energy if they remember what behavior is and is not acceptable in the people they consider friends. It’s time for HSPs to stop worrying about the number of friends we have and the longevity of the friendship, and start looking for the people in our lives who are truly supportive of our personalities and all that makes an HSP shine.

You might like:

• It’s Okay to Disconnect From Toxic People to Protect Yourself
• The Science Behind Why Highly Sensitive People Need Alone Time
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy 

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 4 Types of Unsafe Friendships for Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Science backs up the importance of a friendship group for general health and longevity. 

For highly sensitive people (HSPs), friendships are experienced much more deeply than non-HSPs. 

In part, this is because HSPs experience emotion more strongly than others because their brains are wired differently. As a result of this, finding like-minded, positive friendships can be elusive for highly sensitive people as they wade through a sea of small talk — which is why they may struggle to make friends. 

For years, I felt frustrated by the surface-level interactions I had with friends, never fully feeling I’d connected at a deeper level. I realized I was craving deeper, more meaningful bonds in my friendships — and that I wanted my friendships to last.

Why HSPs Crave Long-Lasting Connections

In the past, my group of friends were often a source of stress, and they’d wax and wane like the moon, leaving me feeling lonely and questioning my value as a friend. 

In contrast, when I began writing this article, I’d just returned from a morning walk with a new friend. We met in a Facebook group for women who love the outdoors. For months, I watched in admiration as women posted photos of their high-energy adventures in far-flung places across the globe. 

But I also felt isolated. For various reasons, late afternoon and evening hikes aren’t suitable for me. So I posted about the types of hikes I was looking for and that’s when I met someone we’ll call “Jen.”

The two of us met up for local walks a couple of times and realized we had loads in common. Plus, we were both on the sensitive side. On our recent walk, we both agreed that our energies needed a low-key gentle amble instead of a heart-pounding hike. By honoring what I needed, I came away from our meeting feeling lighter, freer, and happier. Here was a friendship I could see lasting for years!

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What Unhealthy Friendships Look Like for HSPs

Before we explore ways to attract like-minded friendships, it’s helpful to understand what unhealthy friendship looks like, particularly if you’re an HSP. After all, highly sensitive people tend to fall for toxic relationships, and this can include friendships, too. 

Let me ask you something: How often have you convinced yourself that you are the problem, instead of realizing that your friendship isn’t thriving because you’re simply incompatible? I’ll admit to feeling like this and spending years agonizing over putting boundaries in place around the wrong people. Sound familiar?

There are a variety of reasons why HSPs are often drawn to unhealthy friendships, including the following:

• They’re naturally empathetic and have a caregiving nature. This means that HSPs can be drawn to those who take advantage of our caring personalities. 
• They process things more deeply. As a result, they react more intensely to emotions caused by the ups and downs of friendships, especially when conflict is at play.
• Their empathic nature often contributes to codependent tendencies. So this means their mood is often dependent on the behavior (and mood) of their close relationships.

So if you’d like to turn things around and attract more like-minded, positive friends, here’s how you can do so.

5 Ways to Attract Like-Minded, Positive Friendships

1. Review your mindset and what you’d like in a friend.

There might be a more fulfilling way to have friendships as an HSP, one that means you aim to attract like-minded people in the first place. 

A few months ago, I was feeling lost as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns — and how they’d impacted my social life. I knew my old way of making friends was too draining, so I wanted to try something new. 

So, rather than feel bad about your past friendship woes, use your experience to identify what you don’t want in your future friendships. See it as a road map leading you to your new friends.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• When have I felt a connection? 
• What contributed to this connection?
• How have I maintained my friendship bonds in the past? 
• When did I feel secure in my friendships?

And, chances are, these questions will inspire you to think of other ones, too. 

2. Be willing to be vulnerable by opening yourself up to others.

Vulnerability is the key to connection. I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I used to believe that vulnerability meant weakness… but only until I discovered the work of shame and empathy researcher Dr. Brené Brown.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brown gives us a much-needed exploration of vulnerability and its essential part in connecting, loving, and leading. Crucially, Brown states that there must be mutual vulnerability for there to be true connection between people. Brown explains that vulnerability equals feelings, and if we’re afraid of vulnerability, we’re scared of our feelings. (And if you’re an HSP, you know that we have plenty of emotions and feelings!) 

Her words changed how I approached all my social interactions. It was a relief to find out I didn’t need to be perfect, that humans bond over shared feelings and goals — and that’s what makes us human. 

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean showing all of our fears, but rather, feeling comfortable enough to share an insight into our feelings when attracting friends. For example, you might feel nervous when you attend a running event for the first time. By sharing a simple “I was so nervous about coming here today because I don’t know anybody,” it immediately puts you front-and-center for connection with another person. Likely, you’re not the only newbie, and you’re able to give that other person a chance to make you feel better. And, boom! We have connection.  

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Pay attention to how the person makes you feel.

Friendships are vital to our wellbeing. When we spend time with people who “get” us, and who share our understanding of the world, research shows that the hormone oxytocin is released in our bodies. Oxytocin is the love and connection hormone, and this plays a central role in our happiness. 

As our body is the house for all our emotions, it’s important to be aware of the messages it can send to us through somatic cues, too. “Somatic” means “about the body,” and if we tune in to it, we can learn so much about ourselves. This, in turn, can pave the way to bringing positive and like-minded people into your life.

When HSPs feel great, we feel everything deeply and intensely due to our increased emotional reactivity. Ever come away from spending time with a friend whose interests align with yours? How did it feel in your body? 

When I came home after a walk with Jen, I noticed the lack of tension in my body. Our conversation had had an ease to it, and this was reflected in feelings of calm and contentment. 

So use somatic cues like these as feedback following your interactions with friends and go from there.

4. Identify your values and see if they align with those of the new people you meet.

Finding others who share your values gives you a greater chance of attracting like-minded souls into your social circle for the long-term. How can you do this? Take time for self-reflection, which can really benefit your quest for attracting similar friends. 

Identifying, and understanding, your values is one way of doing this. To identify your values, ask yourself how you’d spend your time if you were financially stable enough to not need to work every day. 

• What would your days and weekends look like? 
• Would you offer your time to volunteer and help a charity in order to make others’ lives better? 
• Would you immerse yourself in creating art or study for a certain degree? 

If you’d offer your time to help others, your values might be generosity, caring, and altruism, while dedicating yourself to artistic pursuits shows values of intuition, curiosity, and creativity. If you want to study, this shows you value curiosity, advancement, growth, and knowledge. So let these values guide you when meeting new people and when choosing activities to pursue for your social life.

5. Be authentic and honest, and the “right” friends will come along as a result.

Highly sensitive people crave authenticity in every area of their lives, and especially with others. But this means little if you’re not willing to get honest with yourself and what you want in a friendship. 

You might decide that you’re done with following the crowd and seeking surface-level friendships, putting quantity over quality. For example, when you show up to a virtual reality game event and enjoy yourself, you’ll attract others like you. Or when you finally admit that you prefer low-energy activities, like walks (although walkers know there’s nothing low-energy about hiking!), art classes, or spending time with animals, you will naturally be among people who share your interests. So your opportunities and chances for connection with positive, like-minded people will only increase.

When you truly connect with others who share your interests and values, you’ll recognize how good it feels to be in tune with those who share your world view. Sharing common ground with people similar to ourselves means there’s a good chance of such friendships lasting and lasting. 

So be your awesome, sensitive self and see how others flock to you and want to spend time around you. You’ll be surprised at how effective these small changes above can be!

You might like:

• What Highly Sensitive People Value Most in a Friend
• Why Highly Sensitive People Struggle to Make Friends (and How to Change That)
• Why Highly Sensitive People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships — And How to Stop

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Attract Like-Minded, Positive Friends as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Do friendships look different for highly sensitive people (HSPs)? My own experience says they do, as I’ve had my share of toxic friendships. These “friends” were women with strong personalities who forged their way through life, like the proverbial bulls in China shops.

Even though commonalities usually brought us together in the first place — going to college together, working together — the friendships would then sour and become unhealthy. And, like most HSPs, I am very uncomfortable with conflict. 

Some recent events have got me thinking about what friendships look like, and how, decades later, I navigate friendships in order to avoid toxic ones. After all, HSPs are sometimes prone to attracting narcissists more so than non-HSPs.

If you find that you’re eliminating more unhealthy friendships lately, here are some strategies that can help you make new friends. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

4 Ways to Make Friends as a Highly Sensitive Person

1. Understand what an unhealthy friendship looks like.

 In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron, there’s a chapter on social relationships that helped me better understand why I was drawn to negative relationships. It also talked about how to develop better ones and overcome what may be holding people (like us sensitive types) back. 

According to Dr. Aron, about 70 percent of HSPs are also introverts and may have been told that we’re “quiet” or “shy” — or grew up seeing ourselves that way. I know I did. I mean, how often do you have to be told something by those around you until you embrace it as an identity? 

But it turns out that I wasn’t shy as much as I lacked social skills. And that lack of social skills led me to developing one friend at a time, someone whom I could glom onto and ride their social coattails. 

In addition, some toxic people may be drawn to us because of our empathy and people-pleasing tendencies. I once even had a man I was dating, who had an unsavory past, tell me he was hoping I could “fix” him. (I was 19 at the time, so you can guess how that turned out. Not well.)

2. Learn new social skills and join groups (which will also inadvertently introduce you to new people).

When I started my own business in my 30s, I knew learning some new social skills would be a necessity. After all, I’d have to go out and win business for myself. So I joined a local chapter of a national networking group, Business Networking International (BNI), that offered communication and networking skill-building. I also took every training opportunity I could.  

Another good organization for learning these skills is Toastmasters, where you develop public-speaking skills. Other organizations might be civic organizations, like Rotary International, Kiwanis, or Lions Club. Once you start looking for such groups, you’ll find many — trust me. Then it’s just a matter of choosing which are the best fit for you.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

3. Seek a variety of friends with different interests.  

I believe I have a “rainforest mind,” a term coined by therapist and author Paula Prober in her book, Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth. Many HSPs likely do, as we have varied interests and talents. (Prober’s even written pieces about this for Highly Sensitive Refuge, too.) As someone with a “rainforest mind,” I need my mind to be engaged, am avidly curious, and am a voracious learner and seeker. I also crave novelty in all things, from the gourmet meals I make to the books I read to the places I travel.  

Having this “rainforest” mindset has led me to develop friendships with several people rather than relying on only one friend to meet all my social needs. While I still have a few people I consider my closest friends, I have different friends for different purposes. Some, I go to plays and concerts with; some, I discuss politics and weighty world issues with; and, with others, they’re seekers interested in understanding human nature and exploring deeper meanings.  

As Prober writes in her book, don’t think that all your friends must be around the same age as you either. Several of my friends are decades older than I am, and I appreciate the wisdom they bring to the friendship table.

4.  Get involved in causes that speak to you.  

I’m passionate about depolarizing our politics, chiefly because my HSP senses tell me that we can’t hope to solve any of our national (or even local) problems if we don’t figure out how to speak to one another. So I’m involved with a few organizations doing just that.  

Whatever cause you’re passionate about, in addition to helping make your corner of the world better, you’ll make new social connections around an issue you all care about. Plus, it gives you a purpose, as well as a shared purpose. 

Once You’ve Made New Friends, Keep a Couple Things in Mind

Once we’ve been burned by friendships, we may be hesitant when it comes to befriending new people. So there are a couple of key things to keep in mind. 

• Set boundaries and enforce them. Being conscientious of how friendships have become toxic in my past — and the ways in which I allowed myself to be sucked into those relationships — helps. I don’t pretend it isn’t still a present threat, so I try to be present and aware, and  look for signs. I’ll sometimes check in with myself by asking if I’m giving in and agreeing to things I wouldn’t otherwise — just to avoid conflict. I’ll also ask: How much time am I devoting to any one person, particularly if I know they have the stronger personality? Is it excessive? Am I still maintaining my other friendships and interests? Am I giving myself permission to hold my own opinions?
• Some conflict is unavoidable, so don’t avoid it.  As part of a book club, I recently read the book Now What? How to Move Forward When We’re Divided by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers. While not specifically written for HSPs, these two authors (and unlikely friends) write about showing up as your authentic self and navigating both political (and other) conflicts in various aspects of our lives. (They also have a podcast Pantsuit Politics, that I recommend.) So, as much as you may opt to avoid conflict as an HSP, it’s good to have some conflict now and then — as long as it’s managed well and not constant. 

In any case, just know that there are healthy friendships out there, and your future friends are out there waiting to meet you. So go get ‘em!

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People Struggle to Make Friends (and How to Change That)
• 4 Types of Unsafe Friendships for Highly Sensitive People
• These 2 Traits Can Make HSPs (Almost) Immune to Narcissists

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Avoid Toxic Friendships as an HSP — And Make New Friends Instead appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

When it comes to friendships, we highly sensitive people (HSPs) are more about the quality than the quantity. A couple of good friends mean more than a full address book to us. We crave deep friendships, not a large social group to hang with. We don’t need any old social interaction; we need the right kind of social interaction, personalized to us HSPs.

And even though some people may have a hard time understanding our sensitivity — why we may cry at the drop of a hat or tear up when we see something beautiful in nature — our many, many HSP superpowers overshadow everything else. And for the right friend, we give our all. Here’s why you can count yourself lucky if your best friend is a highly sensitive person.

8 Reasons You’ll Be Glad to Have an HSP as Your Best Friend

1. They are mind readers extraordinaire.

HSPs know how you are feeling without you actually telling them. They see that dark cloud above your head or the beaming smile on your face. Think of us as emotional sponges; we soak up the emotions around us, whether we want to or not. And we don’t just see your emotion; we feel it, too. When you’re sad, we want to help. When you’re ecstatic, we want to share in your joy. No matter what, we want to be there for you, plain and simple. Speaking of which…

2. They’ll always provide you with a sympathetic (and empathetic) ear.

HSPs have buckets filled to the brim with empathy and they’re certainly not afraid to use it. We feel all the feels you have, so we know when to offer you a listening sympathetic — and empathetic — ear. Or a non-judgmental shoulder to lean on. Or a platform to rant from. Whichever you need most. 

But don’t worry, we can also sense when you really don’t want to talk about it. And we respect that, too. Just know that when you are friends with an HSP, you’ll feel that someone cares. It’s in our nature to want to help you. 

3. They’ll give you a carefully-weighed, thorough response.

HSPs like to weigh all the possibilities before responding so they can help you figure out an innovative solution. They reflect deeply on the problem or issue at hand, and their decisions are never taken lightly. They are contemplative and introspective — and they’ll probably think of things that you haven’t picked up on and help you see the whole picture. 

As your HSP best friend, we will remind you of the mistakes you have made in the past, too, so you can avoid making the same ones in the future. Actions, possible consequences — we’ve thought it all through.

Intuition plays a big role in our decision-making also — our instincts are usually spot on — so you get to enjoy the benefits of yet another one of our superpowers.

4. They’ll see through your, “I’m okay…”

An HSP can read you like a book. They’re excellent facial-expression-interpreters and can expertly read eyes and body language. They hear everything you don’t say. 

While you may be able to appease other friends with the line, “I’m okay,” it won’t work with us. We’ll see right through the dismissive “I’m okay”s.

The plus side of all this is that you don’t have to put on a brave face with us when life is getting you down. You can be yourself. In fact, we insist on it.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

5. They are people-pleasers and all about the details.

Your highly sensitive friend will follow up with you on the things that you have going on in your life: They’ll ask questions about your day; they’ll revisit that topic you two talked about last time you met up; and they’ll notice the nuances in what you say (and don’t).

We’ll also share in your experiences and remind you how important you are, because to us, you really are. We will remember your birthday, the anniversaries and the dates that matter — the positive and the negative. HSPs provide that special touch and remind you that you matter.

We HSPs are people-pleasers who put your happiness above our own (sometimes to a fault). We derive happiness from doing something that moves you, that makes you happy. Like throwing you that surprise birthday party — the joy and surprise on your face makes our week, probably our month. And to boot, we love getting bogged down in the details of planning such a party.

6. They will make you look at the world in a new way and have heartfelt conversations.

If there is something that HSPs don’t like, it’s small talk. Instead, they like to talk about deeper topics and the big topics of the day. They’re all about righting injustice and making the world around them better. 

Being friends with a HSP means having meaningful, heartfelt conversations. We’ll get you thinking about the big picture and how you really feel about the world around you. We live for hearing how something makes you feel and what you are passionate about — we are energized when you share your dreams and aspirations with us.          

7. They’d love to see you, but they need alone time, too.

Nobody understands more than an HSP when you call us to cancel a plan we’d made — you just can’t go out tonight. Your work day was more hectic than you expected and you can’t bear to go to a busy restaurant. We get you. Totally. And completely. Alone time is one of our things, and we won’t mind if we unexpectedly get more of it. No way will your HSP friend guilt you into going out when you don’t want to (just as we hope you won’t guilt us either when we need time to ourselves).

An experienced HSP guards their boundaries furiously — even though it’s not always easy — and we won’t judge you when you do the same. In fact, if anything, it will probably make us love and respect you more.

8. They’ll be your friend for life.

HSPs often find it hard to relate to people around them since many everyday activities overwhelm them. A busy restaurant, a crowded bar, a loud party — they’re sure to feel drained and would rather be home.

People often see us as “different.” As a result, we are selective with our relationships and those we let in. So if we’re good friends with you, it means we have found common ground, and an HSP doesn’t take that lightly.

So once you’re in with a highly sensitive person, you are in for life. Remember, we’re all about quality over quantity. There’s no reason for an HSP to go friend-hunting once we have found those who “get us.” And if that’s you, then count your blessings — you can truly rely on us. Through thick and thin. Through the highs and lows. The pits and the peaks. As long as the friendship is a two-way street, we’re in it for keeps. 

And, as a last word of advice for every HSP out there, learn to be as good a friend to yourself as you are to others: show yourself empathy, love, and compassion, too. Not only will it benefit you, but also those around you.

My fellow highly sensitive souls, is there anything you’d add to this list? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 11 Moments When You Really, Really Need an HSP
• How to Be a Good Friend to a Highly Sensitive Person
• 4 Reasons Why HSPs Are the Best at Reading Body Language

The post 8 Reasons You’ll Be Glad to Have an HSP as Your Best Friend appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

During these times of politics and pandemic, a lot of sad and disheartening news is making the rounds, and it’s impacting people’s mental health. It can push someone to suffer from anxiety, depression, or a myriad of other mental health-related issues, even if they never have before. 

While a non-HSP may watch the news and not be affected, if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP) like I am, you may find yourself overthinking, absorbing the suffering you see on social media, or even feeling traumatized; tragic stories may even bring you to tears.

And — because not everyone is as sensitive as we are — it may feel like no one understands. 

That’s where we really need to turn to our most trusted loved ones, and even more importantly, it’s when we need them to really hear us. 

If you think or know you have a friend who’s highly sensitive, we may not exactly be updating our Facebook status to reveal how we’re truly feeling for all to see. But highly sensitive people need certain things to be happy, including permission to get emotional and let all our feelings out, and close, meaningful relationships. That’s where you come in — it’s time to check on your HSP friends and give us the chance to open up.

How do you do that? Every sensitive person is different but, as an HSP, I know I’d appreciate a non-HSP friend considering these seven things.

How to Be the Friend Your HSP Really Needs Right Now

1. Don’t assume your highly sensitive friends are OK right now, even if they aren’t talking about it.

We all love to share amazing pictures on social media, but we are also aware of the truth that those photos are not the complete picture of our lives. There are happy, good times, and there are also not-so-happy, low times (which we usually don’t share online). 

So, just by looking at those pictures, don’t assume that all is well with someone. Instead, think about when you last spoke to your highly sensitive friend; if it’s been a while, it’s time to reach out.

Personally, I used to hesitate reaching out to friends and loved ones because I didn’t want to burden them with my problems. But then I realized keeping my issues to myself was doing more harm than good. Had I confided in them sooner, they could have helped me sooner. 

2. Be the first one to reach out to us — especially if you haven’t heard from us in a while.

Yes, it is that easy: text, message, or call your HSP friend who’s been MIA lately; don’t wait for something bad or good to happen first. Instead, contact them without any reason. 

Especially during the current times of social distancing when physical contact is much less common than before, it is more important to keep a check on your highly sensitive friends, particularly if they live alone. If you’re feeling mentally and emotionally flooded as a non-HSP, imagine how they must feel.

Though nothing can be as good as meeting someone in person, any contact is better than no contact — and you can always set up a video call or a socially distanced walk. I believe that every small step that we take toward kindness and compassion toward someone has a bigger impact than we think it does.

3. Be open and loving, and invite us to talk about deep topics.

Despite many people’s claims of being open-minded in our modern world, there are still many taboos in society. Depending on where you live, topics like sexuality, mental health, and domestic violence, among others, are still not talked about openly; your highly sensitive friend may not even be able to talk about being an HSP with their loved ones.

But friends like you can be a refuge for them. Make sure to make them feel safe, emotionally, confiding in you, that you are there for them unconditionally. Don’t just ask, “How are you?” but open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling lately?” or “How did ‘x’ make you feel?”

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

4. Help us see any stumbling blocks we’re not seeing on their own.

Some HSPs may show signs of depression and feeling low and some may not, just as some may express it in words and some may not. So, you have to be observant: Listen to your highly sensitive friend’s words, as well as their silences. 

Most HSPs value having close friends to confide in, which will encourage them to open up and be vulnerable. If you’re just as open and vulnerable, it will pave the way for them to be, too: Be the type of friend you wish you had.

5. Be an active listener and non-judgmental so we know we can trust you.

The more your HSP friend trusts you, the more likely they’ll be to open up to you. 

While it’s human nature for us to have opinions about things, that doesn’t mean we need to be judgmental, which may offend someone without our realizing it. The best thing we can do for our highly sensitive friend is not to speak, but to listen. 

Before telling them your opinion, ask them if they even want it; they may just want their problems to be heard with patience and compassion.

6. Maintain a supportive perspective — even about rough topics.

We all know those people who seem to complain 24/7; when you’re having a problem, would you reach out to them, or a friend who has a more positive outlook on life?

Chances are, your HSP friend will want to reach out to you if they appreciate your glass-half-full approach on life. That way, they’ll likely feel more comfortable confiding in you, knowing you’ll make them feel better by seeing the world through a more positive perspective.

7. Follow up occasionally about the “big” things on your HSP’s mind.

While it’s wonderful that you were there for your highly sensitive friend, don’t just disappear afterward. Instead, make sure to follow up and see how they resolved a problem they told you about or see how they’re feeling next week. 

And don’t wait for them to reach out to you; take initiative and reach out to them. It takes a lot of courage to open up and talk about your vulnerabilities and fears, and if you contact them first, they’ll likely know they can trust you as a friend who will be there for them. And that’s all any of us want, right, HSP or not.

You might like:

• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• Dear Friends, I Love You, But I Just Can’t Go Out Tonight. Sincerely, an HSP
• 21 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

The post How to Be a Good Friend to a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Bright lights. Laughter resonating in the air. My ears ringing from the aftershock. I rise from my chair and carefully examine the card, a six of hearts, in front of me. I hesitate before I proclaim with confidence, “Higher.”

The card on the top of the deck is flipped over. It’s a seven. I forget if it’s a spade, club, heart, or diamond because I’m so disoriented from the loud cheers that have erupted from the spectators. Because I know it will be a long time before my turn rolls around again, I decide that now would be the time to slip into the bathroom for a quick breather.

Tonight, I’m enjoying playing a friendly game of cards, but the volume of the group is too loud for me. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), high-volume sounds induce significant discomfort. It might seem like no big deal to most people, but what’s considered “loud” to someone is “very loud” or even “too loud” for me. I can tolerate it, but only in small doses.

Aside from the overstimulation from the noise, I am also bored. Incredibly bored. This group is fun to be around, but I don’t have a lot in common with them. To me, they come off as shallow, almost as if they are hollowed out versions of a more interesting persona. Like society came in and scooped out all the substance from their minds — from their conversations.

I sneak out of the room and immediately sense a presence behind me. My boyfriend has followed me, like an alert service dog who doesn’t want to interfere with my daily living but must stay present to make sure I don’t walk into a busy street. 

He asks that question that’s often exchanged between the two of us: “Are you okay?” 

“Yep.”

“Are you having fun?”

“I am,” I say. “But I just feel like I don’t know these people very well. They’re your friends, not mine.” Even though I have known them for over a year and share plenty of laughter and adventures with them.

“But you have fun with them, too. They’re not your friends?” he asks.

I shrug and pause to think about my response. “Well, I just feel like they’re surface-level friends.”

That’s all they are to me. They’re fun to be around, sure, but I don’t sense that I can go deeper with them than just casual enjoyment. I can’t grab their hand and wander into the caverns of their mind. I can’t meander down the rarely visited passageways of their thoughts and explore new ones, unearthing beliefs and feelings they never knew they had. I want to talk about the stars, and weird coincidences, and the arts, and social issues, and how I swear I only get this patch of eczema on my elbow when I’m stressed, and… and…

But when I’m with them, we talk about the weather. Or their plans for the weekend. Or how tired they are even though they had a shot of espresso in their caramel macchiato.

I don’t know about you, but I need more than that.

I Want Friends Who Dive Below the Surface

Though I only recently learned I am an HSP, I’ve always had the signs: I startle easily, feel uneasy with loud noises and unpleasant textures, and have discomfort in unfamiliar situations. My mom recently told me that she was concerned about my social abilities when I was in elementary school — around 1^st and 2^nd grade. Which, I feel for most children, is prime time for making friends. Not me. I was always cautious about who I let in, and I could sense who those people would be before I even fully got to know them.

Throughout my social life, I have always been drawn to people who come off as “quiet” or “soft-spoken.” My first friend in elementary school (the reason my mom stopped worrying about my social abilities) never spoke in class. I never even heard her voice until I had her star as a guest on my pretend talk show at recess.

She and others like her have always intrigued me. I don’t want to “coax them out of their shell,” but rather, I want to retreat into their intricate minds with them. They are content to observe the world around them. They can slink into the background of a crowded room without physically moving there and take on the role of observer.

And they think about what they see. Reflect on it. Take these formless findings and mold them into ideas, manipulate them into different shapes and forms until they draw a defined yet flexible conclusion about it. I am intrigued by their introspective abilities because they’re like mine.

And, I have thoughts of my own. Thoughts I want to share. How can I do that with someone who never dives below the surface?

These are the people in my life who I’m missing. These are the types of conversations I’ve been lacking — and it is taking a toll on my mind. Despite all outward appearances: adequate Instagram followers, numerous Snapstreaks, and regular invites to weekend outings, I’m starting to feel like that 1^st grader my mother worried about. I’m now concerned about myself socially because of the absence of substantial human interaction in my life.

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As an HSP, I Notice Everything

As an HSP, many social interactions are highly stimulating for me. I am extremely in tune with my surroundings, and I notice everything — from the slightest change in your tone to the way you cross your arms or lift the corner of your mouth in the subtlest smirk when I mention an attractive coworker.

Sometimes, I can even sense your feelings radiating from you in the same way you feel a light breeze, just potent enough to move the strands of hair at the top of your head. I can feel your stress from a hectic morning wafting toward me, brushing my senses in a way that is subtle, yet distinct at the same time.

Even though I can sense your mood, I don’t tell you that I already know how you’re feeling. I usually let you lead the way in these conversations because that’s how I show respect for your space. Then, simultaneously while I’m conversing with you, I’m off in my head reflecting:

Her torso is facing me, but her feet are not. Maybe she’s as bored with this conversation as I am. But then again, she did seem a little off this morning — not like her usual demeanor. Should I break off the conversation, so we can both have a productive day at work? That could help her regroup and gather herself. But I don’t want to be rude.

Her hair is lighter since the last time I saw her. It looks like she colored it…

Why do I have “Amish Paradise” by Weird Al Yankovic stuck in my head?

Here, Take My Energy. I Trust You.

For these reasons, any social interaction, but especially the first contact I have with someone, can be draining. As an HSP, I am retaining and interpreting so much stimulation from the outside, and it can be exhausting, both mentally and physically. I have had days where I come home from a day full of meeting new people or engaging in small talk, and I’m so tired that I can barely keep myself standing. My head feels heavy; my mind is shut off.

This has been happening more and more lately. I’ve grown weary of it. I need more, and as I am continuously learning about myself, I’m starting to understand why. There is a connection between these social desires — my urge for profound conversation and relationships, and my hypersensitivities.

I believe that, as an HSP, I desire friendships with people who are open-minded and can respect the energy I give them. They are perceptive and maybe can even empathize with the sensory overload I often experience.

We HSPs crave meaningful friendships because they help replenish our energy. Where shallow, surface-level exchanges leave us feeling drained and empty, meaningful conversations and interactions reignite that spark. They are that strong thrust in the ignition that gets our minds roaring with ideas. I feel it in my chest, a swell of excitement and passion that grows and spreads to the rest of my body — to my hands, my feet, my spine. My brain shakes the dust off old connections, expands on previously considered ideas, and even forms brand new connections. It’s energizing and inspiring, and it’s exactly what I need.

Where the world in which we live focuses heavily on the external, it is refreshing to retreat within ourselves and get back in touch with old ideas, feelings, theories, even our very selves. And when you stumble upon someone who understands that practice, who values that desire and maybe even practices it themselves, it’s unbelievably invigorating.

HSPs aren’t people-haters. We aren’t depressed. And no, we don’t think we’re better than you or that you aren’t good enough for our friendship. We are simply more intentional about how we spend our energy because, after all, there’s only so much to go around.

It’s a practice that I think the rest of the population could enjoy. If we all were intentional about our conversations, with whom we engage and for what length of time, we could all live more purposeful, passionate lives.

You might like:

• Get Overstimulated Easily? You Might Be a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• How Unhealed Trauma Affects HSPs

The post HSPs Aren’t Unsociable, We’re Just Cautious About Depleting Our Energy appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I love you but I just can’t go out tonight.

I love and appreciate you, truly. I know it may seem like I don’t like spending time with you or value your friendship, given how often I turn down invitations to “do my own thing.” It hurts me that I may have to hurt you in order to take care of myself.

See, it’s not that I’m afraid of meeting new people. And it’s not that I secretly don’t like you or don’t like having fun. I like the fond memories we make together that get captured in Polaroids that I string along the walls of my room. I love and crave that joy in my life as much as anyone else.

But the truth is…

…I’m a highly sensitive person.

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are the 20 percent of the population who process stimulation very deeply, from smells to sounds to emotions. There’s nothing wrong with being an HSP; according to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, this trait occurs naturally in over 100 different species. It comes with some incredible superpowers, such as strong intuition, heightened powers of perception, and increased empathy.

But all that deep processing means I also get overstimulated easily. It means I sometimes can’t handle the loud noises in the bar, the crowds of bodies stuffed together in one room, or the anxiety of having to sideline my sensitivity for the sake of social convention. It’s hard to act like I’m not bothered by all the stimulation — especially when other people don’t seem to experience what I do. Sometimes I feel like the only one who is completely overwhelmed by all the noise and activity.

And, when you invite me out in the evening — after a long day at work — I’m often already exhausted from processing my experiences and emotions from earlier in the day. I might be emotionally burned out from experiencing secondhand emotions from the people I saw today, emotions I had no business feeling. (We HSPs can be empaths, absorbing other people’s feelings as our own.) Yes, I’d love to spend time with you, but I’m emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.

I’m sorry, I just can’t go out tonight.

Love,

Your HSP friend

The Highly Sensitive Person’s Friendship Struggle

HSP, have you ever wanted to write a letter like that to your friends?

Guilt can be a common space holder in many friendships that HSPs have, especially if those friendships are with non-HSPs. Whenever I feel the need to turn down a friend’s invitation to go out on a Friday night, I find my mind automatically reciting some form of the aforementioned apology letter and later feeling intense waves of guilt at having to say no to them.

I even feel afraid I might lose friends if I continue to say no to all the invitations to go out to parties, bars, or whatever “fun” social outing they have planned. Sadly, I often have lost friends. People learned to not ask me if I wanted to go out because often the answer was no. Or just as likely, they didn’t feel like being continuously rejected, so they skipped the risk of asking me altogether. Honestly, I don’t blame them.

But it also sucks to feel isolated in this way.

Along with the isolation, there’s a sense of self-consciousness when establishing friendships. I never truly know how receptive a person will be to my highly sensitive proclivities — especially in social circumstances like group dinners after work at busy restaurants or bars where the overall mood isn’t primed for meaningful conversation.

For a long time, I was afraid of having people flat-out not understand my sensitivities to large groups, strong smells, and loud noises and dismiss me as “too sensitive” or “weird.” As a result, I wouldn’t reveal the real reason I couldn’t go out. In those cases, my rejections probably came off more harshly or emotionally removed than I would have liked. Often, no matter what story I used, my reason for staying in just felt like an excuse. Phrases like “Sorry, I have to work early tomorrow morning,” “No, I’m busy,” or even the ubiquitous one for students, “Sorry, I have homework” sounded like a weak get-out-of-jail excuse for attending an event I didn’t like.

What I Wish My Friends Knew About Me as an HSP

It’s hard to lose friends when there’s a misunderstanding about the reasons why I can’t go out. Here are three things I wish I could say to past and present friends about why I keep turning down their invitations.

1. Going out is not a matter of desire, but ability.

I want to go out with you. Seriously. I crave that sense of belonging and connection with you. I want to create fun, spontaneous, crazy memories with you. I just literally can’t bear to be bombarded with external stimuli like that for hours and not feel drained for days after. I want to go out and have fun with you, but doing so would mean incapacitating my senses and brain function and depleting my energy.

2. On the other hand, it’s likely I don’t have the mental energy prepared to endure the overstimulation.

I already spend most of my emotional and mental reserves just making it through my responsibilities during the day, and I need quiet downtime to recharge. Usually, this looks like staying home or in another safe space to let my senses settle (a.k.a. “doing my own thing”). Many common social outings include fast conversation and different things vying for attention all at once, especially if you’re in loud environments like dance clubs and restaurants — and HSPs wilt in those settings. Personally, it’s not that I don’t enjoy spending time there once in a while. It’s that I usually prefer to spend time doing leisurely activities and being in calmer environments if I want to feel happy and truly enjoy myself.

3. I feel guilty for needing to take so much time for myself just to be able to function.

I know it may appear selfish, because it means less time for other people. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t highly sensitive to things you’re not sensitive to, so that I could enjoy a regular night out with my friends like so many other people do. I know I’m missing out on a lot of bonding opportunities, but taking care of myself and my mental well-being is my top priority. I wish you could understand that it is not a reflection on you.

Fighting the Fear of Missing Out

Another thing HSPs may find themselves dealing with is FOMO (fear of missing out) when declining a social invitation. When I was a university student, self-care often meant staying in my dorm room on a Friday night while it seemed like every other student was out with their friends making crazy memories for their “responsible” adult selves to wistfully smile about. Because I wasn’t present for most of the crazy parties or adventures out on the town at 1 a.m., I found myself excluded from many of the conversations that would take place during Sunday brunch or Monday morning in class.

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As I got older, I found friends who were much more supportive and understanding of my boundaries. Saying the words, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t go out tonight” no longer comes with the guilt of taking time for myself or the urge to go out just to make others happy. It now comes with the assurance that my friends understand my boundaries — and the confidence that I’m doing what’s right for me.

These supportive friends are the ones an HSP really needs. Good friends will understand your needs and encourage you to do what’s best for your well-being — even if it means skipping the party.

For HSPs, the feeling of missing out might sometimes be inevitable. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the time and space you need to care for yourself. Yes, your needs as an HSP require a different, slower kind of attention, but learning to honor them is to love yourself.

Find friends who can and want to honor your needs in the same way — and you’ll find yourself mentally composing fewer apology letters.

You might like:

• The Sensitive Person’s Guide to Saying No
• When You’re Sensitive to Smells, You Really Do Get ‘Smangry’
• Why Do HSPs Hate Busy Schedules and Feeling Rushed?

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The post Dear Friends, I Love You, But I Just Can’t Go Out Tonight. Sincerely, an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.