If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you might know what it’s like to live with some level of anxiety.

For me, my anxiety started when I was young and couldn’t make sense of my strong emotions. Everything overwhelmed me. With noise and kids everywhere, school was basically a nightmare full of overstimulation. I could only cope when things were calm and quiet (which, let’s be honest, it’s never that way in school). I just wanted to go home where I felt safe and comfortable.

The strangest things set me off. Little did I know, somewhere along the line, I developed the phobia called emetophobia (fear of vomiting) with my anxiety. I remember watching the movie Matilda in school and starting to panic during that scene where they make that kid eat all the cake. I was sure they were going to show him throwing up, and I couldn’t handle it.

I started freaking out and was too embarrassed to say why, so I made up something about not liking the movie. I mean, what little kid can understand and verbalize that they have a phobia or anxiety? I just thought I was insane, and I didn’t want anyone else to know.

Let’s explore why highly sensitive people might struggle with anxiety, plus I’ll share the No. 1 thing that has helped me.

Why Do Some Highly Sensitive People Have Anxiety?

Not all highly sensitive people have an anxiety disorder or phobia like me. Nevertheless, it’s not uncommon for HSPs to experience some level of anxiety in day-to-day life because we process things deeply, from sights to sounds to emotional cues.

For instance, watching that kid in Matilda eat that cake, the other students didn’t thoroughly internalize what he was doing (as silly as that sounds). Nor did their minds spin off visualizing all the possibilities of an overstuffed tummy.

As adults, all kinds of things can make us anxious, from a deadline at work or school to not knowing what’s going to happen in a given scenario. And when you’re a highly sensitive person who process and feels experiences deeply, it’s no wonder anxious thoughts arise.

What Relieves My Anxiety

Fast forward to now, at 28 years old, and I’ve definitely had my share of ups and downs with anxiety. I’ve had times of stress, full of anxiety and panic attacks, and times of calm and minimal anxiety. Lately, I have experienced little to no anxiety, and I believe there is one thing in particular that helps me release anxiety when it creeps back up. It isn’t meditation or self-care or even mindfulness, although I know all of those things can be helpful.

For me — and for many others around me, I’ve noticed — the key to relieving anxiety in the moment is helping others.

Think about that for a second.

Think about how you feel when you do something for someone out of the goodness of your heart. If you’re a highly sensitive person, you’re likely a caregiver who loves helping others. Whether you work in a caregiver career or simply love to take care of your significant other, family, friends and kids, notice how you feel when you are helping out.

This can be a fine line, though. You don’t want to become so selfless and focused on others that you forget to take care of yourself. You absolutely have to put yourself first to thrive as a highly sensitive person and meet your own needs. If you are constantly helping others, saying yes to everything and taking care of everyone but yourself, anxiety will still creep in.

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But when you’re taking good care of yourself and also focused on loving and caring for the people around you, anxious feelings tend to disappear. This is especially helpful in moments when you first start to notice you are feeling anxious.

I’ve noticed when I have enough time to take care of my own needs and spend the rest of my time caring for my friends and helping others, my anxiety is super minimal and even non-existent, even in stressful times.

Find Your ‘Why,’ Then Reach Out

The next time anxiety arises, take a moment to try to figure out why it is happening. I like to call this “finding your why.” Anxiety can arise from simple things, like being hungry or thirsty, stressed about a deadline, or worried about a loved one. It can also strike for seemingly no reason. If you’ve taken care of yourself by making sure you’re well fed, hydrated, slept well, exercised, etc., go to the next step.

Reach out to someone to help. Ask your significant other what you can do to help around the house or give them a surprise backrub. Work on a homemade gift for a friend. Ask someone to hang out. Text a friend who is going through a tough time. Volunteer. Get out of your head and help someone else.

I guarantee you will start to feel better shortly. Not only will you get the feel-good emotions of helping others, but your brain will also be distracted from your worries. Often this is enough to help you feel better quickly. You can also use helping others as a distraction to calm yourself down enough so you can remember to eat, take a nap, take your medication, meditate, or anything else that truly helps ease anxiety.

However, remember that constantly distracting your brain from anxiety won’t help in the long run. Try to frequently journal your anxiety and worries to see where it is stemming from and what you can do in your daily life to help heal it. If you suffer from frequent anxiety, you may want to talk to a mental health specialist and/or seek treatment and medication.

You might like:

• 6 Lessons I Learned About Surviving Trauma as an HSP
• Why HSPs Burn Out So Quickly (and How to Get Relief)
• 27 Things You Do Because You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

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Remember when people used to say they were “high on life?” I’ve definitely felt that phenomenon, but I have also felt very low too. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I tend to feel all emotions to the extreme. For me, when dealing with any sort of big life change, my emotions feel like they’re on a rollercoaster. One minute, so excited — and the next panicked and tortured about dealing with it, even if it’s positive.

This happens to HSPs because the parts of our brains that process emotions are more active than they are in other people. We’re wired to experience the world with greater emotional “vividness,” almost like we’re seeing it in HD.

And, while that can be incredible with happy emotions, it makes negative emotions completely overwhelming. A single small source of anxiety can derail me for days. In fact, believe this is a common reason why many highly sensitive people feel like something is “wrong with them” or they wish to erase their high sensitivity for good.

Here’s why negative emotions hit HSPs hard — and what you can do to deal with them.

Why Negative Emotions Hit Hard for HSPs

Besides processing all emotions vividly, HSPs also deal with more emotions than the average person. This is because we tend to absorb emotions from other people (or just from the mood in the room). In other words, we don’t just deal with our own negative feelings, we have to deal with everyone else’s, too.

And we can easily get stuck in them. When you feel things so strongly and deeply, as HSPs do, and you’re picking them up everywhere you go, sometimes you have to take time to figure out what you’re even feeling and why. Are you anxious because of how that job interview went? Or is it just because the interviewer seemed distracted? Or, is it because the barista at the coffee shop was having a bad day and didn’t realize he was practically screaming it with his body language?

Sometimes, you end up harboring emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety for reasons that aren’t even yours to deal with. Other times, they’re definitely your own — but you’re feeling them so strongly that it’s hard to even visualize them ever getting better.

Either way, that’s when it’s time to step back and start to process them — in a way that will actually help you get “un-stuck.”

5 Steps to Deal with Negative Emotions (and Actually Feel Better)

I believe learning to manage your emotions in a healthy way is important, and I give it a whole chapter in my book about my journey as a highly sensitive person with anxiety. Here are five steps I’ve identified to processing and moving past negative emotions:

1. You’re going to have to feel those feelings.

I don’t know about others, but when I’m feeling anxious or hurt, I want to shove that icky, negative feeling as far away as possible. But here’s the trick: you need to feel those emotions before you can fully release them.

For some people, that may be as simple as sitting quietly somewhere safe (cozy blanket, anyone?) and thinking through them. For me, though, it takes more. Some effective ways to really get unblocked and process an emotion include journaling, talking it out with a trusted friend — someone who treats you with respect — or simply crying. (Yes, crying is nature’s way of truly feeling something and letting it out!)

If you’re in a safe space, you could even scream, punch a pillow, or tear up paper. All of these put the feeling into motion and help you get un-stuck.

2. Use positive physical cues to calm yourself down.

These cues can involve deep breathing, yoga, hot tea or coffee, or the aforementioned cozy blanket. Personally, I prefer hot showers, because they’re not just relaxing but also cleansing. You can even use a little visualization: as you shower, picture yourself scrubbing away the negativity and inviting in more positive vibes.

Think about the physical sensations or rituals that make you feel calm, centered, and more relaxed. If you make it a point to use them whenever you’re overwhelmed by a negative emotion, your body will start to associate the physical cue with the healing process, and you’ll begin to feel better almost immediately.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Avoid negative emotional triggers.

You know what doesn’t help negativity? More negativity. No matter where it comes from, or how well-intentioned it might be.

Think of healing from negative emotions like healing from a scrape. There’s going to be a scab and a sore spot for a while. If you rub that spot, even just a little, the scab is likely to break and you’ll have to start all over (usually with even more pain).

So you need to avoid stressors when you’re dealing with negative feelings.

Personally, I try to avoid the news because it’s always negative. I also try to avoid people who are always looking for something to complain about, or who focus on the negatives. Look at the people in your life and how you feel after you see them. You may need to make some adjustments.

And, if you can’t exactly avoid some people in your life, learn to set healthy boundaries.

4. Feed your basic needs, not just your heart.

I know I tend to feel more negative emotions when I’m too tired, haven’t eaten properly, or feel stressed out. Emotions can seem all-consuming, but they live in your body with you. Taking good care of that body and mind is the first step, and will often have surprising effects on your heart as well.

Try meditation to reduce stress, eat regular healthy meals, drink lots of water, and get enough sleep. These are basic, and chances are, one of them will be more of a keystone for you than the others. Notice which things actually make you feel positive or less worried, and make a routine that works for YOU.

5. Focus on what you can control.

Often, when we’re stuck in a negative emotion, it’s because it feels big and overwhelming — like we either have to take on the world or completely handle it, or like it will roll over us no matter what we do. Usually, the truth is somewhere in between.

So, when you’re completely overwhelmed: remind yourself that you can’t control exactly what happens, and take that burden off yourself. And then ask: what do I control?

This is usually when you stop feeling powerless and start to see a path forward.

Remember: life would be boring if we only felt positive and happy. Negative emotions are there to balance you out, teach you a lesson, and help you feel grateful for the happy times. But that doesn’t mean you need to stay stuck in them.

Do you struggle with anxiety or difficult emotions? Lauren Stewart’s book, My Journey as a Highly Sensitive Person with Anxiety: How I went from an Emotional Mess to Confident Woman and You Can Too, is designed to help. Get your copy here.

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• This Is the Difference Between a Highly Sensitive Brain and a ‘Typical’ Brain
• How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

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The post How to Deal with Negative Emotions as a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

And it’s something that not everyone understands. Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are not very common — only 15 to 20 percent of the population. Our nervous systems are wired to take in more detail and process everything a little more deeply, which means we tend to be very creative, empathetic, and tuned-in. But it also means we get worn out and overstimulated easily. That’s not always easy for other people to understand and accept.

It’s not always easy to explain, either. Unfortunately, some people don’t even believe that high sensitivity is a real thing — or they simply believe you’re being “dramatic” or “too sensitive.” Some people just won’t get it, and that sucks… but many people will.

If you’re reading this right now to better understand and care for an HSP in your life, believe me, it means the world to them. Here are 10 ways to care for the highly sensitive person in your life.

Not sure if you’re a highly sensitive person? These signs will help.

10 Ways to Care for an HSP

1. Ask them what helps when they’re overwhelmed… before they’re overwhelmed.

When I am too stressed out, overwhelmed, or in a state of panic, I can’t really effectively communicate my needs. And that used to mean that my fiancé didn’t know how to help me. The result was that my panic made him panic — which didn’t exactly make things easier for either of us.

So, I’ve had conversations with my fiancé about what to do when I get in that state. Often, I just need a hug and someone to listen or someone to be next to me. And, personally, I need to remember to drink water (the more you know!). Now, he’s really able to help me in the way I need, even if I can’t tell him in the moment.

Let me tell you, it makes a big difference.

2. Let the HSP handle the atmosphere.

Most people don’t really care about the lights, the music, or other external factors. They might have a preference, but generally, they roll with it. Highly sensitive people are different — our sensitive nervous systems are greatly affected by these things. Loud noises, bright lights, itchy clothing, and more can make us feel very stressed and overwhelmed. We generally can’t stay in these types of environments long without burning out, and if we stay longer, we really crash or get irritable.

The solution? If you don’t mind, just let your HSP handle the lighting and the music when you’re together, or come up with a compromise. Another option: If you’re out at a restaurant and the TVs are blaring, maybe you could ask the waitress to seat both of you somewhere that’s quieter, especially if you notice your HSP getting irritated or overwhelmed.

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3. Be their advocate.

There is nothing that will endear you more to an HSP than calmly, accurately, and wholeheartedly speaking up for their needs.

Many highly sensitive people, myself included, absolutely hate conflict or criticizing others and shut down at the thought. Yet we’re often in a position where, if we don’t speak up for our needs, those needs just aren’t going to get met — and people aren’t always understanding when we do so. It’s a recipe for anxiety.

If you can help your HSP out when dealing with healthy conflict, please do so. You don’t necessarily have to fight their battles for them, just be a stand-in to help ease the situation. It can be as simple as backing them up (“Yeah, it really is pretty loud in here, can you just turn it down a little?”) or being the first one to say something (“Pardon me, but it’s pretty cold in here. Is there a way to adjust the AC?”).

4. Speaking of helping…

As a highly sensitive introvert, phone calls stress me out. Sometimes I feel comfortable enough to call and make an appointment if I have to, but if my fiancé can do it, it really takes the pressure off. Maybe your HSP doesn’t mind phone calls, but something else causes them to panic. Help them out with that instead.

5. Learn their love language.

The five languages of love are an idea from author Gary Chapman. The basic idea is that there are five main ways you can express your love, and most people tend to prefer one or two of those “love languages” over the others. The five languages of love are gifts, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, and quality time.

I think knowing someone’s love language is helpful for any relationship. Their preferred love language tells you not only how they’re most likely to express love to others, but also what will feel most meaningful when it’s given to them. One person may be head over heels if you give them flowers or a book (“gifts”), while another person may be unimpressed but would really appreciate some help around the house (“acts of service”).

While it’s helpful for anyone, it’s especially useful for HSPs — both because we so often feel misunderstood, and because we value a deep connection with our loved ones more than almost anything else. You can take this simple quiz to find out your primary love language.

6. Don’t be annoyed if your HSP suddenly gets quiet or even “disappears” for a few days.

Highly sensitive people are often confused with introverts. They’re not the same thing, but they have something in common: both need a lot of quiet downtime. For HSPs, though, it’s because we need time to process things and avoid overstimulation from doing too much — even if we’re extroverts.

This is just part of the package deal, and the HSP in your life will be grateful if you’re cool with it. Don’t make us disappear unannounced to get our quiet time — give us our space.

7. Be honest with them.

Many HSPs can cut through the B.S. real fast. Because our brains are built to process social cues and we easily read people’s emotions, we’re sort of like a walking lie detector. And since it’s so obvious to us, dishonesty really rankles us. Do yourself a favor and just be honest from the start, okay?

8. Resist arguing about politics, religion, and other touchy topics, unless your HSP likes that sort of thing.

Remember what I said about hating conflict? Arguing about opinions is the worst kind, because it never gets anywhere — especially charged topics like politics and religion. (Also, showing compassion toward your HSP’s view is much more likely to bring them around than just arguing them into the ground.) I know I don’t mind talking about this stuff with a close friend, but arguing with someone who will just talk over me will make me leave the room very quickly.

9. Let them make the plans if possible.

HSPs can get overwhelmed easily and get anxious if we don’t know the plan — whether it’s for a night out or a whole travel plan. We generally aren’t fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants people, and that’s okay! On the other hand, we do tend to be very good at planning activities and trips that everyone will love, because we care so much about the needs of others. So, involve your HSP in making the plan or, if you’re not the planning sort, ask them if they’ll take the lead.

10. Just love and accept them.

That is really all we need. You don’t need to coddle us or treat us as if we’re different, just accept our quirks and love us for our sensitive, caring selves. I promise your HSP will love and accept you right back!

HSPs, are there any steps I left out? Let me know in the comments.

You might like:

• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• This Is the Difference Between a Highly Sensitive Brain and a ‘Typical’ Brain
• Why Travel Is Hard for HSPs (and How to Enjoy It More)

The post 10 Ways to Care for a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I’m a highly sensitive person, and I always take everything so personally — even little things. It’s starting to affect my relationships. How do I stop doing this?

This is a tough one. By definition, HSPs process information deeply and feel emotions intensely. Words really matter to us, both positive ones and negative ones. So when someone criticizes or insults us, of course we will feel wounded.

And it doesn’t even have to be words said out loud. Highly attuned to our environment, we notice small details that others miss. So even the slightest change in someone’s tone of voice or actions can send us into a tailspin of overthinking — especially when it involves people we are close to. We slip into frantic, worried thinking. Are they mad at me? What did I do? Why did they say that? Did they just slam that door on purpose or on accident?

Trust me, as an HSP myself, I’ve been there. It’s painful, it’s frustrating, and it wastes so much time and energy. If we let our overthinking spiral out of control, it can even damage our relationships.

So how do you stop taking little things so personally? It’s not an easy feat, but here’s what’s helped me — and what I tell my HSP clients.

8 Tips to Take Little Things Less Personally

1. Get a copy of my favorite book.

Get your hands on one of my favorite books (it’s a quick read!), The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. It’s really helpful to re-read often. The second agreement is to not take anything personally. On this topic, he writes:

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.

That’s great advice for anyone, but especially for us HSPs!

2. Get to the root of your reaction.

Get out your journal and do a brain dump. Writing about your feelings can help you understand them better, and help you get to the root of your reactions. Journal about this question: Why do I take things so personally? Write whatever comes to your mind. Be fully honest with yourself and write down everything you’re thinking and feeling. No one will see this unless you want them to.

You could also try writing about the last instance that you took something personally. Write down the whole story of what happened. How did it make you feel? How did you react? What would you like to change in the future if a similar situation arose again?

3. Remember that even the kindest people can be selfish sometimes.

When someone says or does something hurtful, it’s helpful to remember that even the kindest person can be selfish sometimes. We all are, to some degree, and we have to be in order to survive. It’s a basic human instinct. That doesn’t mean that what they did was right — or that you deserved it — but forgiveness can be a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to “little” slights.

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A caveat: If you are around someone who is consistently hurting you emotionally, is putting you in danger, or is hurting you physically, you need to stay away from that person.

4. Everyone has their triggers.

This is another important thing to keep in mind when someone hurts you. People tend to react based on past experiences, and sometimes even when something feels directed towards you, it isn’t. As don Miguel Ruiz so beautifully puts it, all people live “in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in.” For example, when your spouse comes home from work and snaps at you, it might not have anything to do with you — it might simply be because he or she just had a stressful day. Of course, as HSPs, it feels directed at us. But the person angry with you might not even realize the true triggers of their own feelings.

5. You can’t change someone else’s reactions.

But you can choose your own. You get to choose how you react to someone or something. You get to choose if you accept or deny negativity that is directed towards you. Try to come from a place of love, not fear. Trust me, you’ll sleep better at night. Basically, you get to choose if you start a screaming match with your spouse in the above example or let it go.

6. Take a step back and reassess.

It’s so easy to judge, to jump to conclusions, and to make up a whole huge drama in your head before anything bad even happens! I know I’ve done this — it’s so easy when your mind is prone to imagining all the possibilities of a given scenario. And, being an HSP, you might sense some energy that isn’t directed towards you. You might also be more sensitive to someone’s comment, even if this person doesn’t mean anything bad by it. Have you ever created an entire soap opera in your mind only to find out the situation isn’t that bad after all? It is human nature, so don’t judge yourself for that — we’ve all been there. Take a minute to breathe and step back from the situation to assess what is really going on. Getting some solitude (away from stimulation) can help, too.

7. If you never ask, the answer is always no.

I love this saying, and I remind myself of it often. If you feel a friend is mad at you, but never ask and just assume, chances are they probably weren’t mad at you at all. Always ask for clarification on a situation if you need it or if a bad feeling persists for a while. It may feel awkward in the moment to bring it up, but it’s worth it if it helps you find peace and closure.

8. Let it go.

When you’ve done all of the above, there is nothing left to do but let it go. Give yourself time because it won’t happen in a day. Self-care and journaling help!

HSP, you’ve got a lot to gain by not taking things so personally. As your relationships become less strained, you will discover a whole new level of peace, calm, and meaning. It’s not easy, but know that I am rooting for you.

You might like:

• 27 Things You Do Because You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 7 Self-Care Ideas for the Highly Sensitive Soul
• 6 Lessons I Learned About Surviving Trauma as an HSP

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