“Mom, my pajamas are uncomfortable, I can’t sleep.” This was the third time my nine-year-old had been back out of bed. “Mom, the television is toooooo loud, I can’t sleep,” was her earlier complaint. “Moooooom, tell her to be quiet,” she pleads with me about her 4-year-old sister who is throwing a tantrum.

She is wild. She is beautiful. She is sensitive. She is my daughter. And I’ve only just recently realized she’s exactly like me, a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Because I’m an HSP, you’d logically assume that I’m in tune with my family, their emotions, and their personalities. And many times I am. I often feel other people’s emotions, particularly those of the young and vulnerable.

But I’m ashamed to say, it took me quite a long time to realize that my daughter is also highly sensitive.

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How to Recognize a Highly Sensitive Child

Dr. Elaine Aron, author of the book, The Highly Sensitive Person, explains the HSP like this:

• You easily get overwhelmed by sensory stimuli like bright lights, loud noises, coarse fabrics, or strong smells.
• You have a rich and complex inner life.
• You’ve been referred to as sensitive or even shy.
• You arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.

These traits are the same in children and adults, although they’re often harder to spot in kids, because all children get overwhelmed at times. It’s the other traits — especially how much effort a child puts into avoiding stimuli or upsetting situations — that are key to spotting a sensitive child.

But here is the most important thing Aron writes about HSPs: High sensitivity occurs in about 20 percent of the population, making it a perfectly normal personality trait.

Let me repeat that.

Being a highly sensitive person is completely normal.

Not All HSP Children Are Shy or Quiet

Despite my emphatic belief that we HSPs are normal, I do like to refer to our sensitivities as quirks. This is because, as HSPs, we’re all unique. Sure, there are common characteristics, as with any personality. But we each have our own flavor. Our own HSP quirks.

Like any other HSP, my daughter and I don’t tick all the boxes on the HSP checklist. For example, I happen to like violent movies, even though it’s listed as being a no-go for most HSPs. But both my daughter and I are particularly sensitive to textures. The pajama problem isn’t just hers! We also both have an aversion to very loud noises, and we both get completely overwhelmed by change, particularly unexpected changes that we can’t prepare for.

It’s true that HSPs are often wrongly labeled as “shy” or “quiet.” But it doesn’t always look that way. My daughter is anything but shy and quiet. If you heard her playing, you might not think she’s an HSP at all.

Here’s the thing about HSPs and noise. It’s often the unpredictable noises that are the most difficult. It’s the loud siren, the screaming sibling, the neighbor’s dogs. If it’s her noise, it’s a different story!

Highly Sensitive Children Need Routine to Thrive

I’ll be honest. Before I realized that my daughter is an HSP, her quirks annoyed me. She often needs to have everything just right. It’s not that she’s a neat freak, but rather there are a set of rules that need to be adhered to for things to be okay for her.

Take, for example, our bedtime routine. It’s remained fairly consistent since she was young — and boy, am I in trouble if I try to change things up! We read together, we snuggle down at lights out, and I tickle her arms, hands and back (we call it “tickle,” but really it’s a very light massage). Then I cuddle in for a couple more moments, before she asks, every night, without fail, “What are we doing tomorrow?”

This routine, it’s got to be done correctly, and in the right order! And if for some reason it’s not, it would be safe to add at least 10 minutes to the routine. If a hand is missed, I have to go back. If I haven’t laid out the plans for tomorrow (often made up in the moment), she’s unsettled. If I don’t wait for her to be perfectly comfortable before the final goodnight hug…

You get the picture. And yes, some nights, it’s every bit as exhausting as it sounds. But actually, I love it. It’s our routine, and most nights I’m happy to let her get things just right.

Embracing Your Highly Sensitive Child

Now that I know she’s an HSP, I don’t get annoyed by these little quirks. I no longer get as frustrated with her particular ways. I’m not surprised at these sensitivities. I’m learning to understand her and the way she’s making sense of the world, through the lens of her sensitive soul.

As a parent, it’s my job to embrace whoever my child is — and whoever she becomes. I have to accept and embrace all of it. Even the bits that I don’t like, or that don’t fit it with how I would prefer things done.

Truth-telling time. On more than one occasion, I’ve told both my daughters, “Don’t be so sensitive.” Really? This, coming from a woman who claims to be an HSP herself!? (Thinking before I speak is not one of my strongest HSP characteristics.)

This is not something our HSP children need to hear. They do not need to be told to “harden up.” When we tell them this, we’re telling them it’s not okay to be themselves. We’re introducing shame and guilt.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

What Sensitive Children Need More Than Anything Else

Highly sensitive children need to be accepted as they are. They need our love. And they need to be told that it’s okay to be sensitive. They need to know, in fact, that sensitivity is a gift.

Tell them that some of the most talented people ever to walk the earth were HSPs. Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and Jim Carrey are some examples. They’ll need to draw on these stories when times are tough in their journey through life.

Tell them about your own journey as an HSP, if you are one. Let them know they aren’t alone, and that the way they feel is normal. Let them see you, the real you.

Tell them that it’s okay to need quiet, or to not like the way their pajamas feel against their skin. Help them find solutions for their sensitivities, but ensure they know that they aren’t a problem.

But most of all, tell them that they are extraordinary.

You might like:

• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• 7 Things Your Highly Sensitive Child Needs to Hear
• 12 Secrets About Dating a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Beat Themselves Up So Much?

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The post Your Highly Sensitive Child Is Normal. No Wait, She’s Extraordinary. appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Chocolate milk splattered all over the kitchen, reaching nooks and crannies that defied physics. How did something so small create such a catastrophic mess? That question sums up having young kids most days. 

I could feel the self-control drain out of me as pure rage took its place. Somehow, I still had the wherewithal to think, “This mess should not be causing me to spin out like this. Why am I freaking out?”    

All parents have moments like this, right? I’m just convinced I am more susceptible to them, and therefore, find myself in them more frequently. 

Why? Because I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP). I notice more, process more, and, as a result, get overwhelmed more quickly and easily than less-sensitive people. Apply this equation to parenting, and the math isn’t good.

I sum up parenting while highly sensitive with one word: Intense. Parenting feels relentless — it never stops or slows or subsides. HSPs tend to throw all of themselves into parenting, leaving nothing behind for their own well-being.

What Makes Parenting While Highly Sensitive So Hard?

Learning about my sensitivity has helped me realize my parenting challenges aren’t due to weakness, but to having more to process while doing the same tasks others can float through. So I’ve conceded any hopes of being anything other than I am: a highly sensitive parent just trying to survive.

A lead researcher on high sensitivity, Dr. Elaine Aron — who coined the term “highly sensitive person” — uses the acronym DOES to outline the trait in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person. It’s easy to see how parenting magnifies each characteristic… with exhausting consequences.

• Depth of Processing. From pregnancy through cohabitating with your grown child, the decisions are endless and HSPs can’t help but analyze all available information and see the seemingly limitless possible outcomes of any given choice. Not only that, our busy brains need more downtime to recover from constantly processing in overdrive — and finding enough downtime as a parent is near impossible.
• Overstimulation. Parenting brings anyone to the outermost limits of their stimulation tolerance, and we HSPs start with a shorter range, due to how much we process and take in. This means that even the most basic parenting tasks can overwhelm us. 
• Emotional Reactivity and Empathy. Not only do we react stronger to our kids’ emotions, we also experience deeper empathy with every scraped knee, embarrassing moment, and challenging situation. 
• Sensitivity to subtle stimuli. Take your pick! The sight of clutter in the living room, the sounds of annoying toys, music, and video games, and the smells, all the smells! Even if the sensory input is objectively subtle, HSPs’ sensitivity to them makes them anything but.

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So What’s a Highly Sensitive Parent to Do?

HSPs move through the world differently — and parenting is no exception. In her book, The Highly Sensitive Parent, Dr. Aron says that admitting, accepting, and embracing the state of things as a highly sensitive parent is key to coping and, dare I say it, thriving, in parenting.

The good news is, Dr. Aron also found in her research that HSPs are often doing a much better job parenting than they perceive. While our sensitivity can cause us to feel more overwhelmed by parenting, and like we fall short of less-sensitive parents, it also equips us with highly-attuned parenting instincts.

Still, it’s always important to distinguish between simply finding parenting hard, and whether depression or anxiety are part of the equation. Parenting while highly sensitive is sure to exasperate life circumstances that can contribute to both.

So the million-dollar question is: How do you thrive as a highly sensitive parent?

And my answer is: Oh, good gracious, I have no idea.

I’m just striving for survival at this point. Surviving parenting as an HSP is equal parts accepting what is and doing our best to take care of ourselves (given the circumstances).

While I’ll never be an expert by any means, I have picked up a few tips that are helping me survive — and even enjoy parenting amidst the chaos, mess, and stress.

7 Survival Hacks for Highly Sensitive Parents

1. Let your sensitivity redefine what “thriving” in parenthood means.

Parenting must be seen through the lens of your sensitivity. Dr. Aron cautions that parenting is so all-consuming that HSPs may be able to prioritize little else, at least for a time. It can be frustrating when comparing ourselves to peers or colleagues who seem to be thriving professionally, socially, and being a super-parent all at once. 

We, as highly sensitive people, must redefine what “thriving” means for us. Perhaps it’s not mastering every aspect of life simultaneously, but experiencing a singular aspect of life immensely, such as soaking up every last drop parenting has to offer. 

2. Customize your unique parenting philosophy. 

Highly sensitive people tend to be information-seekers. It’s part of our deep processing to want all the facts before making our careful decisions, everything from what parenting style to practice or just what to pick up for dinner. 

As a chronic consumer of parenting advice, I realized quickly that no one style, trend, or philosophy spoke fully to my experience as a parent. I eventually gave up trying to master a single parenting philosophy and gave into the common HSP experience of forging my own path.

HSP parents can — and should — trust their intuition, because our sensitivity informs it. This same trait that has helped our species survive can be trusted to inform your decision-making as a parent.

It also helps to seek advice from HSP parenting experts and share your experiences with fellow HSP parents just trying to figure it out day by day. 

3. Make “treat yo self” your mantra.

Weekend getaways, a day of spa treatments, or even just a good night’s sleep might not be in the cards for most parents in their foreseeable futures. So why not indulge in treating yourself where you can, when you can? 

This hack is backed by research. The modern classic parenting book, Mother Nurture, puts it this way:

“…We recommend that you try to feel good as often as you can, at least several times a day. These experiences are more than enjoyable: they help protect your body against future stresses, improve problem-solving, and stop downward spirals. The occasional getaway for a weekend is great but regular, daily positive experiences will make much more difference for you over the long run.” (Hanson et al., p. 34)

While the phrase “Treat Yo Self” was coined by the luxury-loving Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford characters on the show Parks and Recreation, it need not be a call to lavish extravagances. It’s more about inherent worth — valuing your wants and needs just because you exist. This can be a real challenge for HSPs, especially those engaged in caretaking roles.

It took me way too long to realize how unsustainable it was to live in a constant state of depletion while another being was entirely dependent on my care. Now, I take my wants and needs seriously. 

So what’s a teeny, tiny way you can treat yourself today?

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Let the sweet moments linger as long as you can.

You are at your wit’s end being up with the baby all night… again. Your kid is refusing to eat the dinner you prepared… again. Your teenager promises they’ll never speak to you… again… and again. These moments can be excruciating and can consume our waking thoughts.

In Mother Nurture, Dr. Rick Hanson explains that we are biologically wired to dwell on the negative, so we have to practice spending as much time dwelling on the sweet moments. 

When your baby finally falls back asleep in your arms, drink in their peaceful rest and the feel of their relaxed body against yours. When your kid scarfs down their dinner without batting an eye, bask in the glory of a clean plate and a full belly. When your teen spills every single detail of their night, savor their funny and insightful commentary on their friendships. 

Put your deep processing to work for you in noticing every little good thing about these moments. Let the sweetness linger in your mind. 

5. Try an “Ask for Help” challenge.

In The Highly Sensitive Parent, Dr. Aron says, “If you need help, you just need it. That doesn’t make you a less capable or worse parent.” 

That simple acknowledgment was revelatory for me.

I didn’t want to admit that I desperately needed help. HSPs tend to be people-pleasers, and therefore tend to seek help only as a last resort. Our perfectionism chimes in with its ever-so-unhelpful insistence that no one else can do it like you, so getting help is pointless anyway.

But of course, it’s not a great plan to only seek help once you are at the very, very, very end of your rope. Instead, why not practice asking for help in low-pressure situations, so it can become more natural for you?

Make asking for help your go-to move for a while until it becomes second nature. 

Is there one thing you could get help with this week? Next week, could you get help with two things? 

6. Always ask yourself, “Is this worth my energy?” 

As HSPs, we have to be extremely protective of our energy — the DOES characteristics of the trait require a lot of it. We simply cannot afford to spend our energy on just anything. Parenting only makes this more pronounced. 

Since we can’t control how our sensitivity uses our energy, conservation and recovery are the name of the game. Recovery time is usually in short supply for parents, so energy conservation becomes paramount. 

The reality is, you don’t have the same time for all the things as other parents because you require time to recover from overwhelm in ways less-sensitive parents don’t. So everything, from work opportunities to kids’ activities to household chores, needs to be evaluated for its energy-input-to-outcome ratio. If the math doesn’t come out in your favor, it’s not worth your energy.

Of course, we can’t disavow everything that drains us with minimal benefit, but as sensitive folks, we must do what we can, when we can, to spend our precious energy on what matters most.

7. Always be kind to your sensitive self.

The best way I’ve found to be a better parent is by being kinder to myself. As Dr. Aron succinctly says in The Highly Sensitive Parent, “Self-criticism is exhausting.” 

As HSPs, it’s simply not worth our energy to berate ourselves or to have unreasonable expectations. Instead, treating our sensitivity with gentleness helps it be a source, rather than a drain, in our lives.

Plus, being kind to yourself helps you be kinder to your kids while also preserving your energy. There is truly no downside! 

Tune in to your intuition for ways you can survive another chaotic day of parenting while highly sensitive. If we can care for our sensitivity just a little more day-by-day, maybe we’ll figure out how to thrive a little, too. 

You might like:

• 5 Things I Teach My Kids as a Highly Sensitive Parent
• HSP Brains Process Everything Deeply, Even at Rest, Study Finds
• What to Do When Your Highly Sensitive Soul Is in Overdrive

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The post A Survival Guide for Highly Sensitive Parents appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I arrive with a crying 4-year-old attached to my leg — stressed, exhausted, and feeling like I’m the worst parent in the world. Everyone else’s children are already at preschool. Not crying. Not clinging to a leg.

“She doesn’t want to come,” I say to a teacher, desperately hoping she has a magic pill that makes my child turn into one of the other happily playing, well-adjusted children around me.

“Yes. We could hear her screaming in the parking lot.” She gives me a look. I feel like she’s just handed me my parenting grade, and it’s an F.

Hmm. Can I crawl into a hole now?

Your Crying, Clingy Highly Sensitive Child Is Normal

I know now (I wish someone had told me then!) that I’m not the only parent who has experienced this. Separation anxiety is incredibly normal and healthy in children, even up to the age of 7. Our children are attached to us. They rely on us. So for them to get upset when we leave is very normal.

But at the time, it felt terrible. It felt like I was causing my child very real emotional harm.

But, in fact, if we deal with it well, it can do the opposite.

Instead of causing them harm, separation anxiety can help kids. It can develop resilience, self-esteem, and coping skills. Times of separation give them a chance to practice dealing with stress and anxiety. It teaches them, “I can cope with this!”

That screaming, crying, highly sensitive child attached to our ankles is learning that they are a person who can handle what life throws at them. That you trust them to cope.

Why Many Highly Sensitive Children Have Separation Anxiety

Both of my youngest children hated leaving my side (my 8-year-old still has a little bit of trouble). The screaming lessened to complaining as they got older, but they definitely struggled a lot with separation anxiety. Once, my Lula hid under a desk crying at preschool for over 30 minutes after I left.

I almost gave up on preschool a number of times. My kids weren’t even going that often. Three half-days a week maximum! I persevered because I needed the time out, I wanted them to have social interaction and make friends, and because they always loved it afterwards. When I picked them up, they never wanted to leave!

So why all the fuss at the start?

My kids are older now, and I’ve learned a few things about them. One of those is that both of my youngest daughters are in the 15-20 percent of the population who are considered highly sensitive.

High sensitivity is not a negative thing. It’s a normal personality trait.

Highly sensitive people feel their emotions very strongly. They have a bit more difficulty dealing with change and loud, busy environments. And they are very affected by things others might not be bothered by. Movies or TV shows can be difficult for them. Even the slightest scary or violent scene — even in G-rated movies — can start my girls screaming, “Turn it off!”

Highly sensitive children are in tune with others’ feelings and can be very observant. They’ll be the ones that notice when you’re sad and give you a hug. They get really upset by kids being mean to each other. My daughter, Little, talked for months about some boys at preschool that called another child names. She was highly offended.

Highly sensitive children are the ones that grow up to defend the weak and point out the injustices in the world. They are the ones that notice beauty in things and think deeply.

They are pretty amazing people.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4 Steps to Help Your Sensitive Child at Drop-Off

So what can we do to help our sensitive kids settle in better?

1. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t let them control your behavior. “You’re sad because you want me to stay. I’ll be back in two hours. I can’t wait to hear what you did today.” You are the adult. You control what happens, not them. Kids will try to keep you there and control you by crying, screaming, begging, and clinging. However, they actually feel safer when we are in control.
2. Make it normal. “I know you have a hard time with goodbyes. I love that you’re such a cuddly boy. I can’t wait to see you again when I pick you up.” (Smile and give your child a quick hug.)
3. Leave quickly and confidently. Ignore their pleas to keep you there and trust that they will be okay.
4. Don’t sneak away. Always say, “Bye, see you soon!” Sneaking away can make kids more clingy next time.

4 Stages Your Child Will Move Through

So that you can be confident that they are okay, there are four stages of separation anxiety for you to be aware of. If your child is happy when you pick them up, then you know they have moved through these stages.

• Protest stage — screaming, crying, and complaining to try to keep you there.
• Despair — usually after you leave. They might drop to the floor, hide, or cry.
• Adjustment — they calm down.
• Emotional detachment — they get engaged in a game, toy, or talking with someone.

When I picked up my girls, they were happy to see me. They’d race around telling and showing me what they’d been up to. They were fine — no emotional damage done.

By trusting our children to move through these stages, we allow them to learn to cope with stress well and to head towards becoming the resilient, confident adults we want them to eventually be.

And we get an “A” in parenting! Well done, us!

So the next time they make a fuss, cling, and cry, have a quiet smile to yourself. Here’s a chance for your wonderful, highly sensitive child to learn and grow. Acknowledge their feelings, say goodbye, and then get out of there fast!

You might like:

• 6 Critical Self-Care Tips for Highly Sensitive New Moms
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Absorb Other People’s Emotions?

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The post 4 Steps to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Separation Anxiety appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

You love your child with every ounce of your being. You put your child first, because that’s how our society says parents should be. But you’re starting to feel like your true self is slipping away.

What about your dreams, passions, goals? You’re craving some time for yourself, to relax, to hear yourself think, to have some peace and quiet. Then the guilt washes over you, mixing with resentment, and you feel like a crappy parent. You cry, you yell, and the cycle repeats itself.

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re a highly sensitive parent.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you have a unique trait, not a disorder. Scientifically called Sensory Processing Sensitivity, it means you process things deeply, are easily overstimulated, are very empathetic, and you can sense subtleties with amazing precision. These are great characteristics, but it’s daunting when your toddler or teenager is being difficult. Just another day in the life of a highly sensitive parent.

For HSPs, Alone Time Is Crucial

The truth is that carving out time for yourself is like oxygen to you. It’s not a luxury. Your psyche needs the time and space to figure out the daily jigsaw puzzle of your thoughts and emotions.

Most of your friends and family may not be like you. After all, HSPs make up only 15 to 20 percent of the population. Sure, every parent would benefit from having breaks. But you just might morph into the Incredible Hulk if you don’t nurture your soul.

Sometimes you will have to advocate for your alone time. Your spouse might not really get it.

You have to inform the people in your life about this HSP trait. If you can’t accept this as part of your body chemistry, how will they?

Acceptance may arrive in waves. Sometimes it’s easy and full of grace, other times you may wish you were like everyone else. Remember all the positive things about being highly sensitive. You are empathetic, conscientious, intuitive, perceptive, detail-oriented, polite, spiritual, and appreciate the arts.

And you are a damn good parent.

4 Ways to Combat Guilt

You may logically understand that alone time is crucial, however, something is holding you back. Guilt is your enemy. It’s reminding you of all the chores you have to do. All the busywork of being a parent. Laundry, cleaning, scheduling dentist appointments… the list goes on and on. If you relax now, you’ll still have to do it all later. Not to mention that relaxing is tough when all of this is on your mind. And your child is growing up before your eyes; you honestly don’t want to miss any milestones or important moments.

It’s understandable that many HSP parents put themselves last. And it’s no wonder that burnout becomes a problem.

HSP parents need to fight back against the guilt. Self-care is not a luxury or indulgence. It’s a necessity for being a better parent. Think of it as “recharge my parent batteries” time. You recharge your electronics every day. You need to recharge yourself, too. You will break down if you don’t. The resentment and anger of running on empty can easily morph into depression and anxiety. Your child deserves a healthy parent who takes care of his or her own needs.

Here are four practical steps to combat guilt:

1. Write about your guilt. Explore its origins. Just the act of writing can be freeing. Get your thoughts and feelings out of your head and into paper. Some people feel catharsis by shredding or ripping up the papers afterwards.
2. Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist about it. We think we’re alone and different, when in reality everyone has secrets. Nobody is perfect, and nobody has to be. Being open and vulnerable with someone you trust will lead to connection. Connection kills guilt.
3. Process and release your emotions through physical movement and exercise. Emotions can get stuck in our bodies, and it’s amazing how moving really helps. Go for a walk and clear the cobwebs from your mind. Research shows that exercise improves your mood. Let go of your guilt, step by step.
4. Practice self-compassion. HSPs have so much compassion for others but often struggle with turning their light inward. Sometimes imagining yourself as a child helps. If you believe in a higher power, that can help internalize compassion, too.

7 Ways to Recharge With Young Children at Home

Here are seven ways to recharge your parent batteries (even with young children at home):

1. If your child naps, use this time for self-care and solitude, not chores. Rest is so important when you’re taking care of demanding (yet lovable) babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. You’re probably stuck at home a lot. Listen to a guided meditation app on your phone. Sleep if you can.
2. With older children who don’t nap anymore, make “relaxation time” mandatory. Let your child know that he must stay in his room for at least an hour, looking at books or quietly playing.
3. Keep external stimuli to a minimum. Sure, mindless TV or social media is easy. There’s nothing wrong with that in small doses, but too much may make you numb to yourself. It’s fast food, when our souls crave something more substantial.
4. Meditate, exercise, read, journal, listen to music. Whatever feels right for you that day. Experiment and figure out which modalities are most soothing and meaningful.
5. If possible, take a class in something that interests you. Remember your hobbies and interests before you had kids? You’re still that person.
6. Ask for help. Be open to family members or friends babysitting, if possible. Or pay someone. Maybe it’s just once a month, but it will be worth it.
7. If insomnia is an issue, have a bedtime routine. Drink herbal tea, journal and/or meditate. Allow your nervous system time to slow down.

Picture your child. Now imagine her as a grown-up. You’d want her to do whatever it takes to be happy, right? Of course. She deserves solitude, too, especially if she’s an HSP. Treat yourself with the same love and respect that you show your kids. You — and your kids — will be grateful.

You might like:

• 7 Things Your Highly Sensitive Child Needs to Hear
• 14 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• 27 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re an HSP
• 7 Secret Benefits of Being a Highly Sensitive Person

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The post How HSP Parents Can Get Alone Time appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

The seven-year-old version of me once attended an event for homeschool families in my area. Over the course of the evening, I was persuaded to join a game of dodgeball, which I had never played before. Sounds fun, right? 

Well, after quickly being eliminated, the sting of the overinflated playground ball on my hand (and my newly-deflated ego) made me not so sure. I’m now 28 and haven’t played dodgeball since. Now, I don’t mean to imply that I was particularly traumatized by my brief “career” in dodgeball, but it was decidedly Not Fun. Having since identified myself as a highly sensitive person (HSP), I can see why I felt that way.

A few years later, I would reluctantly participate in group dances at Vacation Bible School — I mean, who wants to look like an old stick-in-the-mud at the tender age of 10? — while inwardly cringing at how silly I must look (even if all the other kids were dancing the same way). I’ve seen this phenomenon most recently with my own daughter at our Mommy and Me dance class. While she does enjoy the class and music, she doesn’t typically flock to the center of the room or display as much animation as some of the other kids. I also notice that the teacher’s well-intentioned attempts to get my child more engaged often backfire. 

It’s still too early to tell whether my child is an introvert, sensitive person, or any other such distinction, but the tendency to use high-energy enthusiasm to encourage children to participate in things starts young. But, before I continue, let’s talk about what it means to be a highly sensitive child.

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The Science Behind Highly Sensitive Children

While everyone is sensitive to a degree, some people are more sensitive than others. In fact, according to the latest research, nearly 30 percent of people are born more sensitive than average, both physically and emotionally. Researchers refer to this trait as environmental sensitivity or Sensory Processing Sensitivity. And don’t worry — all three levels of environmental sensitivity are considered healthy and normal.

In essence, as a personality trait, scientists define high sensitivity as taking in more information from your environment, processing it more deeply, and doing more with it, according to Jenn Granneman and Andre Sólo, coauthors of Sensitive. Sólo says that the sensitive brain is actually wired to process all information more deeply — effectively spending more time and mental resources on doing so.

So, children and adults who fall near the high end of the sensitivity continuum are called highly sensitive people, or HSPs. They will often be deeply attuned to their physical environment and to the emotions of others. They will pick up on subtle details, or make connections between ideas, that other people miss. They may be affected by textures, noises, and other things in the environment that others seem to shrug off. Often, sensitive children are highly creative and empathetic, and many are deep thinkers. Some researchers also believe high sensitivity is linked to giftedness.  

If your child is a highly sensitive person, they were likely born that way and will develop it further in childhood. They will remain sensitive for life — although as they develop, they can learn how to better regulate overstimulation, manage their strong emotions, and use their powerful sensitive mind to their advantage.

The best way to teach them that is to accept and validate their sensitivity, and help understand why they experience things — like dance class — so differently.

We Need to Better Understand Sensitive Children

I suspect that many highly sensitive people can relate to these childhood experiences. In churches, after-school programs, and summer camps across the nation, leaders design “fun” activities that all kids supposedly like. But… they fail to consider the sensitive ones who are fading into the background and wishing they were somewhere, anywhere, else. A lack of perceived enthusiasm in these children is seen as sullenness or sadness, and the solution is to redouble our efforts to get them excited about what’s happening. Instead, we should make an effort to understand them and their needs — like giving them alone time and not forcing them to participate.

The disconnect can leave highly sensitive kids like me feeling inadvertently gaslit, wondering, I’m supposed to be having fun. Is there something wrong with me? The consequences of this dynamic are not all fun and games, either. Pressuring kids to do things they don’t feel comfortable doing could be a recipe for embarrassment, resentment, and even poor boundary-setting skills later in life. 

I certainly don’t believe that the people who write curriculum and lead classes and events have anything against HSPs, but there seems to be a dearth of understanding of how they operate. This lack of awareness is compounded by the fact that children are lumped into a single category based on their age, even though every child truly is different. I feel that we, as a society, would do well to focus a bit more energy on connecting with sensitive kids — who will someday be sensitive adults — so that we don’t inadvertently drive anyone away.

So how can we minister to the needs of highly sensitive kids without losing the interest of the rest of the group? After all, it’s impossible to include and please everyone all of the time. However, there are several things adults can do to ensure that kids of all sorts at least get something valuable out of each class, event, or program. Here are some ideas.

6 Things Sensitive Kids Need to Thrive

1. Dial back the decibels, as they are sensitive to noise.

Something as simple as literally turning down the volume of music can make a significant difference to highly sensitive kids. Try setting the volume just loud enough that everyone can hear comfortably, in order to avoid overwhelming the sensitive types unnecessarily. Noise sensitivity is very real, especially for sensitive people.

2. Don’t insist on full participation; instead, base it on kids’ individual interests and learning styles.

In settings such as church activities or family events, chances are, kids do not have any grades riding on whether they play enough rounds of musical chairs or do all the hand motions to all the songs. There’s no true need to participate in these things — after all, they’re supposed to be fun! 

While it’s okay to invite a shy-looking child to join in if they want, don’t press the issue. The child may feel comfortable enough to participate more after a few weeks or class sessions, or they may prefer not to. Highly sensitive people have their own unique learning style, even when it comes to fun, and I think teachers and group leaders should pay more attention to this.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Curb the competition — a sensitive child should not be judged by “winning” or “losing.”

It especially pays to be mindful of competitive games. Sensitive kids tend to not like being in the spotlight, and this includes highly competitive activities. The pressure of winning and losing can very quickly outweigh any love of the game. So be aware of group games or contests that pit students against each other individually as others look on. Chances are, it’s doing more harm than good for a sensitive child’s confidence and self-esteem. 

4. Balance loud, high-energy activities with opportunities for quiet creativity.

There’s nothing innately “wrong” with dodgeball or dancing, but if “fun” is focused solely around these “louder” kinds of activities, some kids are sure to be left out. Consider interspersing them with other activities, like crafts that can be worked on individually (of course, the more active, less-sensitive kids shouldn’t be forced to participate in those, either!). 

If the environment is unstructured, like an after-school care program, provide equipment for a variety of independent activities (like paper and drawing pencils), as well as lively group games (like soccer ball and such).

5. Offer a listening ear — and truly listen to the feedback.

What kids really need is not the fanciest, flashiest programs, but rather, that adults simply be present and willing to listen. Observe how the kids in the group respond to certain activities, then tailor your plans accordingly. 

If you’re brave, you can even ask kids directly what their favorite — and least favorite — parts of the event were. Being in tune with the group members, and their preferences, goes a long way toward helping everyone have a good time, and thus, be more likely to come back next time. (Admittedly, this strategy works better the smaller the group is.) 

6. Allow for sensitive kids to play different roles.

In many group settings, there are several distinct roles — some people would rather be the frontman of the band while others would rather be the bass player. To prevent highly sensitive children from feeling separate from the rest of the group, look for multiple ways for kids to participate in the same activities for optimal inclusivity. Just like we each play different roles in our families, so, too, do we play different roles outside of our homes.

You may find that you have, for example, a Sunday school class of mostly extroverts who enjoy acting out stories… plus one highly sensitive person who enjoys writing. Perhaps that child would like to write the script for the others to act out. 

Another idea is to let kids take turns completing each step in a science experiment or recipe. Being able to carry out different functions toward a common goal is also helpful for learning teamwork skills, which will serve your young charges well later in life.

Kids are by no means a homogeneous category, and neither are their senses of “fun.” If leaders implement these strategies when designing “fun,” I believe they will find that each highly sensitive child has a greater chance of feeling seen, secure, and free to pursue their imagination, no matter what that looks like.

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• Sensitive People Learn Differently. Here’s What They Need to Succeed
• These Are the Roles HSPs End Up Playing in Their Families — And How to Change Them

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Sensitive Kids Play Differently Than Other Kids. Here’s What They Need to Thrive. appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

We all want our young children to mature into independent, self-sufficient teenagers, but while they’re young, they need us to give them a voice. They need us to stand up for them and communicate their needs. They need us to be their greatest advocate.

This is never more true than it is with a sensitive child — one who might be creative, thoughtful and caring but can also easily become overstimulated or have strong emotions.

Roughly 1 in 5 children are born as highly sensitive people (HSPs), which means they process everything in their environment very deeply. This trait can be a gift, making them extremely empathetic, intuitive, and creative, but it can also be overwhelming at times. It means they are more profoundly affected by their school environment than other children — including how teachers treat them.

Wondering if your child is highly sensitive? Here’s how to tell. 

Here’s what sensitive children need from parents and teachers, and seven tips to help you advocate for your highly sensitive child.

Why Your Highly Sensitive Child Needs You to Speak for Them

In many cases, your highly sensitive child will not show their true emotions in the classroom. They will wait until they get home and then melt down. A teacher can therefore be oblivious to the issues that your HSP child faces. It may take a long time for your child to build up the trust with a teacher that allows them to show their real selves — if ever.

All young children need a parent to help them communicate with other adults. They need help to feel listened to. They need us to help them put how they feel into language that others will act upon. But a sensitive child’s needs are even less obvious without an advocate.

Therefore, your voice speaking for them is vital if they are to flourish in any setting outside the home.

At the end of the day, you know your child better than any other person on the planet, and if you don’t advocate for them, who will?

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7 Tips to Advocate for Your Highly Sensitive Child

1. Be a messenger.

Really sit and listen to your child. If you’re going to speak for them, make sure it’s their message you are sharing. It’s easy as parents to fill in the gaps and make assumptions or jump to conclusions about why your child feels a certain way.

This goes both ways. Try to see the world through your child’s eyes, ensure that you translate those experiences for them. A sensitive child may take a flippant comment from a classmate to heart and tell you they are being bullied. Probe deeper before you charge into school and start an emotional dialogue with a teacher.

Help your child to see a situation through different eyes but, when necessary, advocate for them with their view of the world in mind.

2. Know how to work within the system.

If your child needs support in school, then you need to know where to go and how to get that assistance. Know what rights your child has to an evaluation or support services.

If your child is not eligible for support in the classroom, then your efforts can be better directed elsewhere, for your sake and your child’s. Fight for your child, but don’t drive yourself mad knocking your head against a brick wall. Remember: Being highly sensitive is not a disorder, and your school or district may focus resources on children with diagnosed conditions. 

Red tape is a fact of life, and resources in the education system are limited.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and challenge.

Being informed helps you advocate for your child. Ask the questions you need to ask in order to feel confident that you understand the situation your child is in. Prepare yourself for meeting with school heads or teachers, or with external support services.

Don’t be afraid to challenge assumptions. Being highly sensitive often overlaps with being gifted, but HSP children are often misread and misrepresented.

A great example is scoring low marks in a subject in school. As a parent you know your child is capable of more challenging work, but the teacher insists that your child needs to up their grades before that challenging work is given. (Ask me how I came up with this example!)

Sometimes you need to go above and beyond to get your point across for your child — and you sometimes have to be THAT parent.

4. Build partnerships with others — especially the teacher.

The best way to advocate for your child is to build partnerships with those who are involved in the care of your child. Partnership means offering them support and help where needed, and keeping an open line of communication.

A school usually wants the same outcome as you — but a teacher likely has responsibility for more students than they would like. The more you partner, the better you inform a teacher, the easier it is for a teacher to understand your child and their needs.

Not sure how to start? This will help. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5. Learn to be comfortable outside your comfort zone.

If you are highly sensitive yourself — or an introvert — you may find the role of advocate a weighty one. Being the advocate for your highly sensitive child may mean you need to step well outside the confines of your comfort zone.

You may need to respond on the spot, without processing and thinking about your answer. You may have to challenge and stand in the spotlight. You may have to fight your way through a maze of processes and people to get the outcome your child needs.

In other words: You need to get comfortable outside your comfort zone.

6. Offer solutions.

When you sit down at parent/teacher conferences, or sit in meetings with external support services, come armed with potential solutions — not just a list of problems.

This means doing your homework. Talk to your highly sensitive child and work out together what they need.

Even if you’re not sure how to implement those solutions, just coming to meetings with potential ideas means you’re halfway there. 

7. Educate others.

You may find yourself advocating for your child with teachers, coaches, child care providers, even family. They may misinterpret your highly sensitive child’s behavior, leaving you and your child upset and exasperated. Not everyone knows what a highly sensitive person is, or understands how a sensitive child feels and experiences the world.

And not every teacher has had experience with the idea of “highly sensitive.”

If you are lucky, the people around you will be open to learning more. These two books are excellent resources to help you on your mission to educate others about high sensitivity:

1. Elaine Aron’s The Highly Sensitive Child (which has an excellent section for teachers!).
2. James Williams’ Understanding the Highly Sensitive Child: Seeing an Overwhelming World through Their Eyes. This book is a brilliant read for extended family or teachers who don’t quite understand your sensitive child. It’s written to help them gain a view through the child’s eyes. If they don’t get it after reading this, then quite frankly, they never will!

Parents, have you had to advocate for your highly sensitive child? What worked and what didn’t? And, to the teachers reading this: What is the most effective way for parents to advocate (without being a nuisance)? 

A version of this article originally appeared at Happy Sensitive Kids. 

You might like:

• 7 Things All Highly Sensitive Children Need to Hear
• How to Give Your Highly Sensitive Child the Confidence They Need
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect?

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The post How to Advocate for Your Sensitive Child appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Although about 20 percent of the population is made up of highly sensitive people (HSPs), society still doesn’t tend to view sensitivity as a strength — even though there are so many hidden gifts that come with being an HSP. From the way they feel things more deeply to their intuitive thinking to their empathy for others, there are many pluses of being highly sensitive. 

Yet in a world where teaching boys to be “tough” and emotionally self-controlled is the norm, it can be hard to know how to effectively raise a sensitive boy. It requires a different parenting approach and the courage to challenge social norms placed on males.  

Luckily, however, there are several ways to raise a sensitive boy; instead of feeling weak, less- than, or ashamed of their feelings, they can grow up feeling strengthened and empowered by them. As the mother of two highly sensitive boys, here are some strategies I use.  

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

13 Tips for Raising a Sensitive Boy 

1. Accept them for who they are, no matter what.

Sensitivity can be a wonderful blessing when a child is raised in the right environment; however in an unsupportive family, a child’s sensitivity can become a source of stress and low self-confidence for them. 

Parents, especially fathers, need to take the time to understand and embrace their sensitive boys. For example, if their son cries when he gets hurt or while watching a movie, it’s important not to react negatively or make them feel bad about it. Mindset can be difficult to change, but acceptance and supportive parenting approaches are essential to your sensitive son’s happiness and self-esteem.  

2. Redefine masculinity: tell them that there is nothing wrong with showing emotion and being compassionate.

Have a discussion with your son about the meaning of masculinity and how it can take on many forms.  

Sensitive boys are up against years of societal conditioning that males are “supposed to” be tough, strong, athletic, and unemotional. They are sadly pushed toward fitting into this “masculine box” that harms their self-confidence and perception of self-worth.

Even though we, as a society, are slowly starting to shift this perspective, it is still very prevalent in the media, in schools, and on playgrounds everywhere. This makes it very easy for boys (and, sadly, sometimes parents) to begin internalizing that there is something “wrong” with them if they don’t fit this definition of masculinity.

Discuss the importance of sensitive men in the world, and that courage and strength come in many different forms. Showing emotion, being compassionate, and resisting the pressure to conform are important characteristics of men and are vital to our society and the world.    

3. Surround him with trustworthy male role models who are also sensitive. 

A supportive older male role model can do wonders to boost your son’s self-esteem. This is especially important if a son’s father has a different temperament than his own.

Seek out trustworthy male family members, a neighbor, coach, or teacher that have similar, or at least supportive and compatible, sensitive traits and temperaments. 

Share with him different leaders and celebrities who have made an impact on the world by embracing their sensitivity and being themselves. Some influential males considered to be highly sensitive include Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Spencer Tracy.

4. Avoid harsh discipline, such as criticizing, shaming, or screaming at your sensitive son.

Sons sometimes receive harsher punishments from parents than daughters do, as a result of that “tough” mindset, but sensitive children need a gentler approach. Avoid screaming at, shaming, and criticizing your sensitive son, because they will internalize this deeply. 

Children, especially sensitive ones, want and need limits, but gentle discipline will be much more effective with your highly sensitive child, such as getting down on their level and being firm without yelling. Be conscious of your tone and the volume of your voice.

Sensitive kids are usually rule followers who feel bad after doing something wrong, so make sure you take the time to reassure them of how much they are loved after disciplining them.  

5. Understand his limits and triggers, like loud birthday parties and crowded locations.

Highly sensitive children are easily overwhelmed by sensory stimuli in their environment, like loud noise, crowds, and visual stimulation. Birthday parties and special events, busy school days, and loud, crowded locations can be very challenging. 

Learning how to prepare your son for these situations is key. Provide him with adaptations, such as sunglasses for bright lights and noise-cancelling headphones for loud environments. If possible, offer a place for him to retreat to when he needs a break (like an HSP sanctuary) and be mindful of when he has had enough. 

6. Maintain a consistent routine with downtime built in, too.

As much as possible, you want to maintain a consistent routine when raising your son.  Sensitive children thrive on predictability and knowing what to expect. This helps them feel more in control in a world that often feels chaotic to them.

Changes and surprises that interrupt their routine can be very difficult for them. When possible, give him plenty of warning before any changes will be taking place.

Due to the fact that your sensitive boy feels and processes things more deeply, downtime is extremely important, too, such as on weekends and after school. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

7. Validate his feelings: what he is feeling is real to him (even if it’s not evident to you).

No matter how ridiculous or embarrassing you believe your son’s feelings to be in any given situation, it is very important to validate his feelings. What he is feeling is real to him. He needs to feel understood and comfortable expressing his emotions.

Boys are taught (consciously and subconsciously) from an early age to repress emotions of sadness, fear, and worry because they are seen as feminine. So avoid saying hurtful comments like, “Why are you being so sensitive?” or “That is such a silly thing to be upset about.”   

A positive response that validates feelings could be, “I see that you are really upset about (fill in the blank). I understand how it can make you feel (fill in the blank). What could we do next time to make the situation better?”

8. Teach him how to identify and accept his emotions, like crying.  

Unfortunately, in today’s society, expressing emotion is a much more acceptable behavior for a female than a male of any age. While very young, sensitive boys may cry or be scared more easily than others without thinking much of it. And, as they get older and more self-aware, they may tend to repress their feelings in order to fit in.  

Holding in their emotions can be very destructive, and often leads to anger/hostility, which, ironically, is the only emotion in the “boy code” that is OK to express. If anger goes unaddressed for too long, however, it can lead to more serious challenges in adulthood. It is important to prevent this by helping sensitive boys learn how to identify and express their feelings effectively.  

9. Help him make friends and navigate social situations. Hint: He’ll probably prefer one-on-one interactions versus group ones.

Sensitive boys make amazing friends; they are typically very respectful and caring toward their peers. Once they make a connection with another child, they usually develop a deep friendship with them. However, making these initial connections can be very difficult for them.

If your son is having trouble making friends, it is important to reevaluate the opportunities that they are being given to help them develop friendships. They often enjoy more quiet, predictable, one-on-one interaction (like playing a game) over joining in with a group of children (like a group sport). So try setting up or facilitating one-on-one playdates or research an activity that would connect them with like-minded peers.

10. Have a discussion about bullying and how to handle it. 

Sensitive or not, it is vital to discuss the different forms bullying can take with your son and how to best handle it.   

Sensitive boys tend to interact and react differently than their peers, which can make them more vulnerable to bullying. Boys need to know that it is not shameful to refuse to fight — whether that means physically or by raising their voice. It does not mean they are any less masculine.

Bullying can also be done very discreetly, so it’s key that your son is able to recognize bullying and report it when it is happening. Verbal abuse — via name-calling, shaming, or teasing — as well as cyberbullying, can be done over long periods of time, with teachers and parents being none the wiser. This abuse can be psychologically damaging if the child does not get help.

Unfortunately, boys are often taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness, so sensitive boys in particular might feel embarrassed or ashamed to seek it. Teach your sensitive son appropriate ways to respond by role-playing with him and communicating frequently that there is never shame in asking for help. Show him how to set those personal boundaries with others — by rehearsing clear and firm statements he can use  — and keep an open conversation going.

Also provide him with opportunities to build his self-esteem, so that he can be confident in himself and grow to realize that he doesn’t need approval of aggressive males or bullies. 

11. Help him explore his interests, such as art classes or music lessons.

Fathers often want their sons to follow in their athletic footsteps and there is a lot of societal pressure for boys to be athletic. Participating in sports can provide wonderful experiences, but they can also be very challenging for a sensitive child.  

Each sensitive boy is different, but many struggle with aggressive sports. Group sports, like football or soccer, that require a lot of aggression or fast movement and a lot of stimuli can be very unpleasant for them. Instead, they may enjoy a more predictable or individual sport, like martial arts, running, or golf.  

If your son is not interested in sports, take the time to figure out what activities he would be interested in. Many HSPs are drawn to creative activities, and your son may be, too. Check out your school, local libraries, and community centers for similar interest groups, including Lego clubs, Cub Scouts, art classes, and music lessons. Getting him involved in a group of like-minded peers will help him build friendships, confidence, and self-esteem.  

12. Celebrate his sensitivity and teach him that it is a blessing, not a curse.

It is easy to get caught up in the challenges and frustrations that come with parenting a sensitive boy; however with a shift in mindset, you can begin to appreciate what an asset sensitivity can be.

It is important for boys to see their sensitivity in a positive light. Teach your son that high sensitivity is a blessing, not a burden. Sensitive children are intellectual, creative, attentive, and thoughtful people with the potential to be great friends, creatives, and leaders.

13. Be their advocate and educate others, especially if they do not understand what being an HSP means.

Since only about 20 percent of the population are considered highly sensitive and even less truly understand it, a highly sensitive boy will often be misunderstood.

Advocating for your son by reaching out to his teacher or coach may take you way out of your comfort zone, especially if you are a highly sensitive parent, but it is essential to his happiness and well-being.

You might like:

• Sensitive Boys Can Be a Favorite Target of Bullies. Here’s How to Prevent It.
• 8 Things My Highly Sensitive Son Taught Me About Myself
• 9 Mistakes Parents Make With Highly Sensitive Boys — and What to Do Instead

The post 13 Tips for Raising a Sensitive Boy appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

When I was 19 years old, my doctor told me that my chances of carrying children were extremely low. I was devastated. I’d dreamt of being a cookie-baking, tradition-making mommy like the ones on the Hallmark Channel. 

Low and behold, my dream came true. I had two, successful, full-term pregnancies. Two miracle pregnancies, two miracle babies. And, now, those babies are 14 and 20 years old.

And I’m not just a mom — I’m a highly sensitive mom. So this means I’m not only extra sensitive to external stimuli, but also really empathize with my children: their happiness is my happiness, their pain is my pain.

My therapist and I cover a plethora of topics, but motherhood is one of the most visited. Am I doing it right? Am I messing my kids up? Can I give them too many cookies? WHAT AM I EVEN DOING?!?!

Another popular topic is “guilt” and “shame,” and how to differentiate between the two. Guilt arises from something someone does wrong, while shame rests in the belief that you — as a person — are innately wrong. This distinction has allowed me to identify where I feel guilt as a mother, and where it is I carry shame regarding my parenting. It’s been a journey.

Often, we don’t disclose these feelings publicly, but I’d like to change that. Perhaps you’ll see yourself reflected in one (or some) of my confessions of a highly sensitive mom. Knowing you’re not alone, I’d extend yourself a bit more grace and be reminded of what a kick-ass mom (or dad) you really are.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

1. Mommy does not know best.

Asking a highly sensitive mom a question is complex. Trying to answer even “simple” questions, we often get caught up with overthinking — which easily becomes negative overthinking.  

At nine years old, my oldest daughter asked to spend the night with a friend for the first time. I went through every possible negative scenario trying to decide if I should allow her to go. I questioned everything from her becoming homesick to her getting hurt to her being kidnapped. 

In hindsight (and after allowing her to go), I could have changed my internal narrative by focusing on more positive questions, the most important one being, “What if this makes her heart happy?” 

And it did.

2. My children believe I have superpowers.

When chit-chatting with my girls, I can perceive when something is off. Not to say I’m psychic, but I can read the room, and the people in it, and pick up on things that others miss. We HSPs are highly perceptive of things going on around them. 

It’s this astute perception that has led both of my daughters to conclude that I have mind-reading abilities. Almost, but not quite…

…like the time I asked my oldest daughter about her prom night plans with friends and uncovered an unchaperoned party plan. There was something ominous in the way she answered a question I’d asked, and my HSP intuition and spidey senses were alerted. Hence, that dastardly plan was foiled. 

3. I bake to breathe and as a form of self-care.

Every year from December 1-25, I bake a different confection daily, from blueberry muffins to chewy chocolate chip cookies. It’s an annual tradition in our home that my family and I cherish and look forward to.

But as much as I love baking for other people, I need to bake for myself. And by baking for myself, I don’t mean I want to eat two dozen chocolate chip cookies (although they are delicious). For me, baking is a form of self-care, and it helps to provide me with a creative outlet.

HSPs need an outlet to release the creative fires inside of us. And I’ve found that putting together a dessert recipe that my family enjoys fulfills both my creative and nurturing psyches. 

4. Family vacations give me anxiety and I’ll hole up with a book for a while.

I look forward to making precious memories with my family on vacation, but I often get anxious both before and during a trip.

For one, we are together non-stop. As a highly sensitive soul, I need alone time to recharge. So sometimes I will appear irritated or frustrated, when in reality I am overwhelmed and overstimulated.

I feel so guilty for needing to escape during our family vacation time; feeling as though I cannot fulfill the “fun mom” role due to being overwhelmed weighs on me heavily.

What I have found helpful is escaping into the pages of a good book. Often when my family is splashing in the pool or snorkeling in the ocean, I’m in a lounge chair, happily reading. After a few chapters, I’m able to rejoin my family and genuinely enjoy our time together. 

HSP parents, it’s important to identify that thing that’ll serve as your magical elixir, too.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5) I have double standards, even while preaching equity.

I tell my daughters that perfection isn’t important — effort is. And looking at them, I sincerely mean that. Admittedly, though, I don’t apply that same standard to myself. 

I have been known to bake a cake, turn it out of the pan, and throw it immediately in the trash if I am unhappy with the bake. For me, an imperfect cake is a direct reflection of my imperfections as a mother. My family might not care about a lopsided cake, but the possibility of criticism shakes me to my sensitive core. I cannot give myself the grace I give to others.

Similar to throwing out a cake I’m unhappy with, I will also throw out parenting methods that I feel yield unsatisfactory results. I’ve tried a ton of “parenting recipes” in my efforts to discover the right mix of discipline and leniency as I attempt to raise my children in a way that honors both their individuality and their roles within our family. Sometimes in parenting, just as in baking, you have to be willing to scrap an entire method to uncover a delicious gem.

6) Rules can be hard to enforce (but it’s necessary).

Like many families, we have rules in our home. Our rules focus on respect and accountability.  I want my girls to value their contributions to the world and to respect the values of others.

When my daughters break a rule, like missing curfew or not checking in, it results in my having to take a privilege away from them. I try to maintain a poker face while being “parental,” but, inside, I am crushed.  

I recognize that I have to set and enforce boundaries with my children, but highly sensitive me is gutted when my girls are sad or upset that they have lost privileges. Oftentimes after playing the role of “enforcer,” I have to retreat to my bedroom to compose myself before my daughters see my “strict mom” exterior shatter.

7. Parties make me anxious (and I often skip them).

Both of my daughters play team sports. My least favorite part of the season is the end-of-season party. Team parties make me anxious. “Team party” means the team, parents, and coaches will be present. Too many people, too much conversation, and too much movement is extremely overwhelming for an HSP. 

I experienced similar anxiety during class parties for five years as “room mom” for my youngest daughter’s class. I enjoyed the planning and the behind-the-scenes coordination, but when it was “party day,” my anxiety took over. The noises in the classroom, the constant chatter, and the smells of the different party foods was sensory overload.

I could have easily not signed up to be a room mom. However, the joy I saw on my baby girl’s face when we would sit at home cutting stars and letters for her class was priceless. That joy — even with the personal discomfort I may have experienced during the party — made it all worth it. 

But team and classroom parties aren’t the only party environments that make me anxious. I’ve experienced anxiety attacks attempting to mentally prepare myself for social events with groups of friends, too (pre-pandemic, of course). Usually, all the external stimulation is far too overwhelming for my highly sensitive mind.

8. I cry — a lot — like when my daughters tell me they’re proud of me.

Before I knew what being highly sensitive meant, I didn’t understand why so many things in life moved me to tears. 

• When I saw beautiful flowers, I cried.  
• When a friend lost a child, I cried. 
• When I saw a homeless or less fortunate person on the street, I cried.
• When I smelled food that reminded me of my grandmother’s cooking, I cried.
• When a boyfriend told me I cried too much, I cried.  

I still cry a lot. But now it’s due to moments of beauty, sadness, grief, and joy involving my children that moves me to tears most.

• When I’m taken aback by my daughters’ beauty, I cry.
• When my oldest daughter texts me simply to say “Good morning!” I cry.
• When my daughters rave about something special I’ve cooked for them, I cry.
• When my daughters, who are six-and-a-half years apart in age, call each other their “best friend,” I cry.
• When my daughters say they are proud of me, I cry.

The number of tears hasn’t changed, but the motivation behind them has.

9. Opinions do matter, especially when they come from the people you love most.

I’ve spent my daughters’ lives telling them that it didn’t matter what other people thought of them. I’ve told them that as long as they know they’re trying their best to be decent and honest people, other people’s perception of them is not their responsibility.

But, I believe that’s only partially true. All opinions don’t matter, but the people you love most? Their opinions definitely matter. Theirs are the opinions that force you to to make better choices and to live with integrity. 

When I’m convinced I’m completely ruining this “momming” gig, one of my daughters will randomly look at me/call me/text me and say, “Mommie, you’re a good mommie” — and I’ll get the positive reinforcement I need to keep going. It’s opinions like those that I live for.

I’m not ashamed of the mother I’ve become; I make mistakes every day. And isn’t that what motherhood is? Apologizing and learning and growing and understanding? It’s firmly trying to hold onto something — all while keeping both feet on the ground.

If, at 19 years old, I knew what I now know about motherhood, I’d have the same dreams. I would choose to be this highly sensitive mom who is more self-aware than ever, who cries more than ever, and who constantly works toward improvement. I would pick motherhood, with all of the fragmented pieces and struggles that make it wholly worthwhile. I would choose this perfectly imperfect life. Every single time, I would take my low chances and accept my miracles. 

You might like:

• 6 Critical Self-Care Tips for Highly Sensitive New Moms
• 5 Things I Teach My Kids as a Highly Sensitive Parent
• How HSP Parents Can Get Alone Time Without Feeling Lousy About It

The post 9 Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Mom appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Are you worried that your teen seems more anxious or withdrawn compared to her peers?

You might notice that she prefers time alone in her room, frequently gets irritable after a long day, or loses sleep worrying about a class presentation.

Reflecting back, you may even remember that she’s always been a bit more fussy, picky, quiet, or easily overwhelmed — and you hoped she would grow out of it.

If this sounds familiar, you might be worried that there’s something wrong with your teen. But many teens struggling with anxiety and fatigue actually have a highly researched, perfectly normal personality trait: something called Sensory Processing Sensitivity, also known as being a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Many highly sensitive teens who are unaware of this trait struggle to understand why they feel more overwhelmed — and different — than others their age. But they can easily thrive with a few lifestyle adjustments.

If you think your teen may be highly sensitive, the most important thing you can do is understand their trait, and help them understand it themselves. Below, I’ll cover all of the major questions that parents of sensitive teens have, and the answers based on current research in psychology.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

What Is High Sensitivity?

According to research by Dr. Elaine Aron and others, high sensitivity is a personality trait that allows the brain and nervous system to deeply process subtle cues and details that others miss. About 15-20 percent of the population are born with this trait, and it’s dispersed equally among all genders. It’s even found in other species besides humans — at least 100 species so far.

High sensitivity is often confused with introversion, but about a third of all HSPs are extroverts.

How Do I Know If My Teen Is a Highly Sensitive Person?

All highly sensitive people share four main characteristics (nicknamed D.O.E.S.):

1. Depth of Processing, meaning they reflect deeply on things and tend to take longer to think and reflect before acting.
2. Overstimulation, which happens because they are processing every little detail in their surroundings (as well as their own feelings). Teens may get overstimulated especially often, because they’re not yet used to managing their sensitivity.
3. Emotional Responsiveness (or Empathy), which is a key trait of HSPs. Most HSPs are extremely aware of their own feelings and the feelings of others. The part of an HSP’s brain that considers the feelings of others is actually more responsive than in the average person’s brain.
4. Sensitivity to Subtleties (and sensitivity to sensory stimuli), meaning they tend to notice things that others don’t, or make connections that others fail to see.

These characteristics can show up in many ways. For example:

• Complex thinking, asking lots of questions, or learning quickly
• Needing more time for transitions or getting distressed by sudden changes
• Getting easily flustered or worried, especially when trying something new or being watched
• Highly creative, or able to produce creative work that is distinctly different than that of their peers
• Difficulty falling asleep after a busy or exciting day
• Feeling all emotions deeply and showing empathy for others
• “Knowing” or guessing at someone’s feelings even if they haven’t expressed them
• A strong connection with animals or nature
• Having vivid dreams and an active imagination
• Being bothered by loud noises, bright lights, itchy fabrics, and/or strong smells
• Being bothered by minor noises/lights/smells that others don’t even seem to notice
• Perfectionistic or people-pleasing tendencies

If you’re not 100 percent sure, you (or your teen) can also take the Highly Sensitive Child Self-Test created by researcher Dr. Elaine Aron. Or, check out the 21 Signs of a Highly Sensitive Person.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Why Do Highly Sensitive Teens Get Overstimulated?

Due to the highly sensitive brain’s ability to deeply process information and notice subtleties, your teen is unconsciously taking in far more information than their non-HSP peers. That means taking in far more stimulation as well.

“Stimulation is everything you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste, plus all of your thoughts and emotions, plus whatever you are feeling in your body at the time — hunger, pain, cold, heat, or sore muscles,” Aron says. A highly sensitive teen’s brain processes much more of that than their peers do, and that means they will get mentally fatigued faster, too.

The result: Overstimulation occurs any time when we are “on” and receiving input for too long without rest. Think of it as an overheating computer that needs to be shut down.

And that means your teen will need more quiet alone time to recuperate than others their age.

Signs Your Highly Sensitive Teen May Be Overstimulated

For non-HSPs, overstimulation can seem like a mystery — it may seem to come out of nowhere, or in a context that wouldn’t be overstimulating to others. That often means parents miss the signs that their teen is overstimulated, even if it’s happening a lot.

Signs of overstimulation to pay attention to include:

• Your teen is anxious or worried often
• They have difficulty concentrating
• Your teen becomes hyperactive when excited or when there’s a lot going on
• They get angry or irritable when tired or under pressure
• It seems common that they experience headaches — especially when stressed
• They become withdrawn or exhausted
• Being nervous or upset gives them stomach aches/digestive issues
• Your teen has trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, especially after a long day or before an important event

7 Ways to Help Your Teen Minimize Overstimulation and Anxiety

Being highly sensitive doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Here are some ideas to help your highly sensitive teen thrive:

1. Advance preparation. Schools tend to be crowded and noisy, so it helps reduce stimulation if you can prepare for activities in advance, especially new activities. For instance, practice presentations well ahead of time, or visit a new classroom before school starts.
2. Avoid overscheduling. Moderate your teen’s after-school activities to avoid overscheduling and overstimulating them. The highly sensitive teen will enjoy quality over quantity — putting their focus on one activity rather than dividing it across several. (If they’re an extrovert or high sensation seeker, find activities that have more risk and novelty. On the other hand, if your teen is a quiet introvert, they may prefer a creative or more introspective activity.)
3. Ensure that your teen gets plenty of sleep and rest. Allow your teen to retreat to their room to have downtime immediately after school. On weekends, give them permission to catch up on sleep and take one “off” day to relax or do activities of their choosing. This is where many parents of HSP teens push too hard, wanting their teen to get up earlier and “do something,” but it’s worth it to give them this downtime. (In fact, if your teen does not have a private bedroom, you may even want to create an area of the house devoted to quiet time.)
4. Model self-care practices when you yourself are stressed or anxious, so your teen will learn how to prioritize their needs. Breathing exercises are an incredibly simple yet effective way to calm overstimulation and a tool your teen can use throughout their lifetime. Try this 3-minute Mindful Breathing Exercise or download the Buddhify app.
5. Reduce screen time and increase immersive experiences such as time outdoors, time with animals, reading, or engaging in creative activities.
6. Avoid pressuring your teen to make fast decisions. Remember, they are processing far more information than other people do in order to make a decision or take action on something. Nothing stresses out an HSP more than being pressured to make a decision without thinking everything through.
7. Structure and predictability are important for your quiet teen. As much as possible, have consistent times for homework, meals, family activities, bedtime and so forth. This even means avoiding surprises, which can increase overstimulation and anxiety.

Not every withdrawn or stressed-out teen is highly sensitive. But if your teen struggles with anxiety, constantly feels exhausted, and needs more alone time, they may be a highly sensitive person. This trait is a good thing, it’s normal, and it comes with many benefits.

With a few lifestyle adjustments, your teen can start to appreciate their nature and step into their many gifts as a highly sensitive person. And you, as a parent, can help your sensitive child do just that.

You might like:

• Sensitive Boys Can Be a Favorite Target of Bullies. Here’s How to Prevent It.
• 4 Steps to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Separation Anxiety
• Your Highly Sensitive Child Is Normal. No Wait, She’s Extraordinary.
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy

The post Anxious and Fatigued Teen? They Might Be Highly Sensitive appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

All the kids are backstage, made up and ready to go on. The director announces, “It’s a full house!” All the kids nervously groan — except mine.

My daughter is an extreme extrovert. She loves being on stage. She’s been on it since she was four, and she never gets nervous. In fact, when the director announced that it was a full house, she cheered. According to her, the more people watching, the better. Personally, I generally join the rest of the population who rank public speaking as their number one phobia. This is one of her superpowers.

My daughter is also a highly sensitive person. It’s a common misconception that highly sensitive people are shy or introverts. In her research, Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, found that 30 percent of HSPs are actually extroverts.

Could your child be one of them?

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Signs Your Child Is a Highly Sensitive Extrovert

Here are 12 signs that your child is a highly sensitive extrovert:

1. Despite being an “outward” personality, your child is a deep thinker. They have profound thoughts and big ideas, often surprising you with wisdom beyond their years.
2. Your child is very social. They rarely turn down a chance to be with friends.
3. They have a kind heart. Adults describe them as “gentle” and “empathetic to others.”
4. They’re extremely observant. They notice little details about people, art, music, or the world that others may miss.
5. They always want to go to social events. They seem to get energized while out and about with people.
6. Nevertheless, similar to introverts, they need solitude to recharge. After a busy day, your child needs alone time or a nap.
7. However, your child doesn’t prefer to be alone. They become bored, tired, or even feel a bit depressed if alone for long (even if they need that alone time to recharge!).
8. They’re often engaged in new, interesting, creative activities — especially when they take place outside the home and involve others.
9. When out, they often spark up conversations with others. They’ll even interact with strangers, and they’re happy, smiling, open, and engaging.
10. Your child easily makes new friends.
11. Your child loves working in a group or team.
12. Your child is emotional. They feel things deeply and care deeply about others and the world at large.

If your child fits a lot of these signs, they’re likely a highly sensitive extrovert.

The Superpowers of the Extroverted HSP

Being a highly sensitive person is a perfectly normal, healthy trait, and one that up to 20 percent of the population shares. Although it can be challenging at times to raise a child who feels and processes things deeply, this trait also comes with a lot of advantages. Here are four superpowers of the extroverted HSP:

Make Friends Easily

Wherever we go, my daughter makes friends in seconds. She makes each new friend feel special, and it’s not hard to see why they enjoy her company. Her bubbly, extroverted personality makes her great to be around, and her HSP awareness of feelings means she’s kind and shows empathy. Extroverted HSPs can build rapport quickly, tuning in to people and getting on with them at their level — easily adjusting the way they interact with others depending on their age, interests, personality, and mood.

And they make great friends too! Their HSP side is reflective and empathetic. And because they feel emotions so deeply, when you’re loved by an HSP, you really are loved! And an extroverted HSP will let you know it!

Talk with your child about their friends, as they will be a very valued part of their lives.

Compassionate Activists

Extroverted HSPs often get very passionate about a particular cause — they will think deeply about human rights or feel strongly about animal cruelty or damage to the environment. News items or documentaries about these types of issues tend to affect HSPs deeply. And with the outgoing nature of an extrovert — people are going to hear about it!

Encourage your child to think about a cause they want to support and help them come up with an action plan of how they can contribute or promote it.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Natural Ability to Perform Creatively

The highly sensitive person’s ability to notice things others don’t makes it easier for them to imitate others or develop characters. Being able to pick up on subtle body language, quirks, and mannerisms makes for effective acting (i.e., my daughter on stage before a packed house). Add to that the highly sensitive person’s extreme awareness of feelings, and you’ve got a powerful combination. HSPs who are introverted can obviously be actors, entertainers, and performers too (and many are), but the added extroversion brings a confidence that makes it very easy for these children to enjoy the stage.

If your child shows an interest, encourage drama classes or any opportunities to act, dance, perform, or sing.

Handle Crowds and Parties With a Little More Ease

In general, HSPs tend not to handle crowded spaces or parties all that well, but the more extroverted they are, the easier it is. Some even thrive on it! They might start planning their own parties and events, and with their tuned-in HSP side, they’re great at thinking about what their guests will enjoy and how to make them comfortable. My daughter started planning her own parties at age 11!

But remember, even if they really want to, planning a party will probably be overwhelming for an HSP at some point, and they’ll need your support to handle this — it’s a good opportunity to learn stress management. After any busy event, even extroverted HSP kids need quite a bit of downtime. But don’t expect them to go to bed easily that night — they might be far too overstimulated to sleep!

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• Highly Sensitive Extroverted Kids Need Alone Time Too
• The Special Connection Between Highly Sensitive Kids and Pets

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The post 12 Signs Your Child Is a Highly Sensitive Extrovert appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Growing up, my dad never said no to a pet. As a result, my sisters and I ended up with no less than 14 pets at one point. We had everything from rats to birds to frogs to lizards. Perhaps he was a bit nuts letting us have so many pets (sorry Dad), but perhaps — raising three highly sensitive girls on his own — he was on to something.

The research on the benefits of pets is overwhelmingly positive. Companion animals appear to add psychological and physical health benefits to owners, as well as help in many areas of a child’s development. In fact, there are so many positives to owning pets that it’s hard to cover them all in one blog post. Those benefits appear to be even stronger for highly sensitive people (HSPs).

Raising two highly sensitive children myself, I was very interested in how pets benefit this 15 to 20 percent of the population — and I wanted to see what would happen if I gave my girls some pets of their own.

Let’s explore the special connection that highly sensitive children have with animals, and how pets can affect all of us positively. And if you’re a parent considering getting a pet for your sensitive kid, I’ll give you some pointers, based on my own experiences.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Highly Sensitive Children Have a Special Connection to Animals

Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Child, writes that because of their strong empathy and emotional responsiveness, highly sensitive people often enjoy a special connection with animals.

“HSPs speak of having a special relationship with one domesticated species — dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, potbellied pigs — or with their own particular companion animal,” Aron explains. “Being sensitive to the animals around us can benefit them — not just their physical wellbeing but their mental health, too. And it benefits us by connecting us with individuals who are generally sensitive, subtle, discriminating, and loyal to their friends — like most [HSPs].”

In other words, HSPs aren’t just especially close with our pets. Those pets actually have a positive effect on us.

Certain animals are particularly easy to connect with. For example, horses can actually read human facial expressions. Not only that, they will remember your emotional state from earlier in the day and adapt their behavior based on it — you could almost say they have empathy. Meanwhile, research shows that looking into the eyes of a pet dog produces the same feelings of love, and same brain hormones, as feeling love for a human. And owners of cats, birds, and other types of pets know firsthand how each type of animal can bond with its owner in surprisingly deep ways.

This is meaningful for anybody, but it’s especially important for highly sensitive children. For them, the bond with a pet can be a source of support in a world that’s often quite overwhelming. Their pet may even understand them better than other people do!

Seriously? You Want a Pet?

Despite all the benefits, I was initially pretty reluctant to get pets for my girls. For starters, they take a lot of work (some pets more than others). I remember spending hours cleaning out animal cages, tanks, and bedding areas as a kid. All that poop! Ugh.

And then there’s the issue of good animal ownership. I hate seeing animals being mistreated and sometimes, little kids can be just plain nasty. Watching my friend’s preschooler dress her tiny dog in hundreds of plastic necklaces and princess frills and then cart it around making it “dance” is one of my most traumatic memories (at least as far as animals are concerned).

I was worried I’d spend my whole day telling my children off for not being careful enough with their pets. It was stressful enough getting the four year old to be careful with her baby sister, let alone a mouse she could potentially crush by accident.

So I let them get a snail. Actually, three snails.

These are much lower-maintenance creatures. But my daughters loved their snails. They played with them, raced them, fed them, helped clean out the cage, and learned about snails as animals.

And yes — one got squashed. And it was traumatic. But, it was just a snail — and the four year old learned a VERY unforgettable lesson about gentleness. Surprisingly, she also learned about the grieving process.

And that was the other reason I was reluctant to get pets.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Mummy, Do Pets Go to Heaven?

Pets don’t live that long — not even dogs. Inevitably, they die and it’s painful. Highly sensitive people are wired to feel emotions super strongly and so the (many) deaths of my (many) pets lingered as powerful, painful memories. Frankly, I wasn’t sure I could cope with taking my kids through that process.

But after the dropped-snail incident, the four year old seemed to show resilience in the grief process. She cried — loud, dramatic, rolling on the floor crying as only four year olds can, and then announced “I feel better now.” So we progressed from snails to rabbits.

When I discovered one morning before work that one (aptly named Angel) had died, I think I struggled with the idea of telling the kids more than was actually necessary. They were sad. They cried. We buried the rabbit. And they moved on.

As I discovered, if you help them through it, the passing of a pet can actually be a great opportunity for children to learn about the grief process — and that we can and do recover!

For HSPs, this is especially important, because an HSP’s strong emotions can be overwhelming. Highly sensitive children, in particular, need opportunities to learn to manage (but not suppress) their strong emotions and find ways to soothe themselves, like listening to an audiobook or wrapping up tight in a blanket.

Highly sensitive children need to know that grief looks different in different people and that there isn’t a right way to feel — that all feelings are totally normal and okay. And highly sensitive kids can sometimes be told they’re overreacting or being dramatic. When my daughter’s snail died, I could have said, “Get over it, it’s just a snail.” But by accepting their strong feelings, we’re telling our kids that they are okay and that we are there to support them in learning to manage their emotions.

What If You Can’t Get a Pet for Your Highly Sensitive Child?

I understand, though, that many living situations make pet ownership difficult. Luckily, there are other ways to include animals in your child’s world. For a whole year, my daughters and I volunteered as SPCA “kitten cuddlers.” It’s a real job! For an hour or two each week, we spent time petting and cuddling cats and kittens to socialize them, preparing them for their new families.

It was great for the cats — some of which came in fairly wild — but had many benefits for my children too. They got over their fear of cats (they had had a bad experience with a cat previously), developed deep compassion for them, and proved they could handle responsibility. In fact, as highly sensitive people tend to notice subtleties and tune in to others — including animals — my girls ended up being given the job of handling the very wild, difficult cats. The experience led to us adopting two cats of our own, who we adore.

Volunteering isn’t for everyone, and it’s not the only way. Dog walking, wild (safe) animals, the pet store, the zoo, and other people’s pets can all be alternative sources of animal contact.

Or there is one other option. Perhaps you could get your kids a snail?

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• Why Is Losing a Pet Especially Hard for Highly Sensitive People?
• Highly Sensitive Extroverted Kids Need Alone Time Too

The post The Special Connection Between Highly Sensitive Kids and Pets appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are wired to process stimuli very deeply. As a result, we can be easily overwhelmed. As an HSP myself, I often become overwhelmed in large groups (such as at loud, crowded concerts or parties), and I especially struggle in places with tons of stimuli — such as an amusement park.

But, while self-care is crucial for anyone who’s an HSP, I believe it’s even more imperative to practice as a new mother.

I’ve been highly sensitive all my life but have only been a mother for five months. It’s been the most intense five months of my life — both wonderful and very hard; joyful and yet exhausting; exciting at times but other times monotonous. Becoming a mother has changed me and challenged me to grow more than anything else I’ve experienced so far. I’ve learned everything from swaddling a baby to assembling a breast pump in the dark to how utterly unimportant baby apps are (more important: how to open a stroller without straining my back).

Yet the most important thing I’m learning is how to take care of myself.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Why Self-Care Is Crucial for Highly Sensitive New Moms

Change is hard for anyone, but I believe it’s particularly challenging for HSPs. Becoming a parent for the first time may be the biggest change that anyone can experience. HSPs need a lot of time to rest and recharge from external stimuli. Unfortunately, in the early days with a new baby, there isn’t much (if any) time to recharge. Rest is tricky to get — and support can be even harder to find.

Some new moms are better at handling sleep-deprivation than others. HSP moms generally won’t fall into this category; we’re already at risk of overwhelm or “running out of steam” in our daily lives, so dealing with the added stress of not getting enough sleep can be a tremendous challenge.

Some new moms will thrive on the lack of structure that comes during postpartum and will be more comfortable handling such drastic change. However, that lack of structure can be hard for HSPs, who thrive on routine and predictability.

Together, these factors mean that HSP moms will probably experience a hard transition and won’t have much time for their usual coping strategies. This is why it’s so important for new moms to build in extra time for self-care.

6 Self-Care Steps for Highly Sensitive New Mothers

To ease the change of becoming a new parent, I encourage all HSPs to prioritize their wellbeing. Here are six recommendations, based on my own experiences, on how to do just that:

1. Give yourself permission to stay in bed.

All day! Don’t even get dressed. Stay in pajamas. Have meals and snacks and water (SO MUCH WATER!) brought to you if possible. If you’re breastfeeding, you’ll be thirsty, so keep water bottles and snacks by your bed. Even though sugar can be tricky for HSPs, during the adjustment to new parenthood, I say eat what feels good. I had a strong chocolate supply at my fingertips. If you’re a new mama who’s recovering from childbirth (no matter how you delivered, you still need recovery time), you’re allowed to eat whatever you want. You birthed a human. So eat that slice of cake.

2. Rest whenever you get the opportunity.

Many doctors and well-intentioned relatives will say to “sleep when the baby sleeps.” I actually found that advice challenging because I was so desperate for normalcy that I wanted to check my email and social media or make a phone call — or even chat with visitors. But the truth is, I wish I had put my phone down more and just rested when I could. Infants need to eat every two to three hours, so your sleep will be very interrupted. A lot of couples take turns feeding the baby so each parent can get some rest, but nevertheless, the newborn time is not a restful one. I suggest that you make it one by making sleep/rest a priority. Friends and family will be delighted to hold your baby while you take a nap. Do it. It’s one of the best ways to accept help. Which leads me to…

3. Accept help.

I’m not sure if having a hard time saying yes (or no!) is part of being an HSP, but asking for help can be a humbling experience. Embrace help if it’s offered. People will often ask, “Is there anything I can do?” and usually most of us smile and say no thank you. This time, say yes. Have a list of tasks that friends and family can do, such as cooking a meal, taking out the trash, running a load of laundry, or heading to the store. Life gets messy (literally and figuratively!) and complicated taking care of a baby 24/7. You will need help. If it’s an option, hiring a postpartum doula really helps.

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4. Set boundaries and say no when you need to.

Because HSPs take on other people’s emotions and energy, it’s important for an HSP parent to protect oneself. Parenting is an act of giving, and when HSPs get depleted, we can’t function at our best. Honestly, I’ve struggled to honor this point myself, but it’s important not to get too drained, especially as a new parent when so much energy has to go into taking care of a tiny person. It might mean disappointing others and maybe even skipping something fun, but an HSP needs to practice saying no in an effort to say yes to self-care. For example, a postpartum doula suggested that I only do one activity a day with my baby — even if it’s just a walk around the block.

5. Practice gratitude.

When I feel tired or frustrated, I tend to focus on the negative — and then my mood spirals. It helps to simply practice saying thank you. Sometimes we easily forget how much there is to be grateful for — and having a healthy baby is an incredible blessing. In the fog of exhaustion, I’ve forgotten that, but when I take a moment to breathe and watch my daughter, I feel immense gratitude for her, for my partner, and for all who support me every day — and even for the nurses and doctors who safely ushered her into this life.

6. Remember: “this too shall pass.”

I keep being reminded, as a new parent, that the days may be long but the years are short. Soon my little girl will be talking and walking and dashing across the schoolyard. Although I may not enjoy every second of new motherhood, I take solace in the reminder that the sleepless nights and crying fits won’t last forever.

Being an HSP mom has it challenges, but it also has so much joy! To all the new parents out there who are highly sensitive, I send you strength and blessings on this new chapter of your life. May it be filled with wonder and laughter — and, of course, plenty of self-care.

You might like:

• 20 Self-Care Ideas for Highly Sensitive People
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Absorb Other People’s Emotions?
• 13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand

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The post 6 Make-or-Break Tips for New Moms Who Are HSPs appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.