Every day after getting back from middle school, I’d hurry to my room, open my notebook, and start writing. There were stories of things that happened which I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone about out loud. There were emotions that needed to be expressed, which others might have called “too much” or “inappropriate.” And there were thoughts that needed to be sorted through which weren’t clear enough to be a part of an actual conversation. 

I wrote to express these tales, feelings, and ideas. The page was my companion as I unburdened myself. It listened in silence without prejudice or judgment. It didn’t call me names. It just provided a safe space wherein I could dive deeper into myself. I felt my thoughts get clearer and my emotions ebb to calmness with every sentence. I felt heard and understood. And I found satisfaction in the process, as well as in the things I wrote.

If you have noticed that it’s easier and more enjoyable for you to write rather than speak out your emotions, thoughts, and experiences, you might be a highly sensitive person (HSP). Highly sensitive people are the roughly 30% of the population who are wired at a brain level to process all information more deeply. This makes them more sensitive to the world around them, both emotionally and physically.

In other words: if you’re a highly sensitive person, you’re experiencing the world very differently than others do. You think more deeply, feel more strongly, and have a lot going on in your head. That can make it hard to get your words out — unless you have the time to sort them out in writing. 

Sometimes, this can feel like a liability. After all, who doesn’t want to always have the perfect comeback, or know the perfect thing to say? But your preference for writing can actually give you an advantage. Here’s why — and how to get the most out of it. 

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Why Writing Helps Sensitive People

There are three main reasons why a preference for writing is actually an advantage for sensitive people: 

1. It streamlines your many, many thoughts.

In the book Sensitive by Jenn Granneman and Andre Sólo, co-founders of Sensitive Refuge, there’s a line that really resonated with me: “She has a lot of thoughts — libraries of them — and people rarely understand them.”

Because highly sensitive people are deep thinkers and process everything deeply, there tend to be scores of thoughts swirling around in our minds. It is wonderful that we are this way, but when there are too many things to think about, it can feel heavy and overwhelming. It’s often difficult to talk about these thoughts aloud because, although there’s a profound idea in there somewhere, it may not be formed enough to be shared.

Writing can really help with this. The process of holding a pen to paper and writing — or clicking on keys and typing — grounds us. Writing streamlines our thoughts. Our focus converges to one thought at a time. And things slowly get clearer. Thus, writing can be a wonderful way to listen to ourselves.

(Plus, personally, I think HSPs make the greatest writers!) 

2. It helps you release your feelings and emotions.

Sometimes, we experience overwhelming feelings that we can’t easily describe. Once, I felt an emotion that was like a mixture of sadness and excitement, as well as profundity and potential. It was very frustrating to know that I was going through something without knowing how to explain it to anyone else. 

At that point, the flowers on the trees outside my window caught my attention. I began to write a poem imagining myself as a bud, wondering whether it could bloom. By the end of the stanza, I had concluded that I might as well try. Through that poem, I felt like I could express all my complicated emotions. I also had something simple that I could show to my loved ones to let them know what I was experiencing.

Writing can help HSPs express feelings and emotions that are not straightforward. The process of doing so can reduce overwhelm while also creating something beautiful. Writing allows space and time for the expression of what is otherwise difficult to convey.  

3. It can be a judgment-free space for creativity.

We HSPs capture a lot of information from our environment and imbibe the emotions of the people around us. Then, we spend time reflecting on it… all of it. This tends to fill us with bustling ideas, and as a result, HSPs are often very creative. As Granneman and Sólo say, “sensory intelligence, depth of processing, and depth of emotion… together add up to a creative mind.”

However, we rarely express our ideas perfectly the first time around. Writing is great in this context, because it doesn’t put us on the spot with the requirement that we perform at 100 percent. Whether it’s planning a vacation or running a business, we can use the process of writing to better prepare ourselves. We can have secret notebooks and documents that are extensions of our minds. They can be judgment-free zones. 

Mine are full of scratches and scribbles, incomprehensible and disconnected. It’s okay, because they’re for my eyes only. We can then work on our “scribblings” more, test our ideas, reorder, polish, edit, and rewrite as much as we’d like. We can also familiarize ourselves with, and become comfortable with, its content — and share only what we want to (and when we feel it’s ready to be shown). 

So, if all this piques your interest, there are some writing techniques you might like to try.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4 Ways to Harness Your Knack for Writing

Here are four writing techniques that can help you get the most out of your preference for writing — and turn it into a major advantage. 

1. Morning pages

In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron says, “Write your morning pages. Three pages of whatever crosses your mind — that’s all there is to it. If you can’t think of anything to write, then write, ‘I can’t think of anything to write…’” 

In essence, morning pages are three pages of thoughts. You write whatever comes to your mind without censoring, correcting, or editing. Your writing doesn’t have to be artistic or beautiful. It’s just the conduit for you to listen to the creative part of you within.

The first time I tried morning pages, it felt awkward. However, as I persisted, it slowly became a practice I enjoyed and looked forward to. I’ve found morning pages to be particularly useful when I’m waking up from troubling dreams, when I’m disturbed by the things I’ve encountered, or when I’m overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. It has been very calming and has helped me understand myself better.    

2. Timed free-writing

I learned this from my teachers at the Creative Writing Programme, UK. It’s similar to morning pages in that we write whatever comes to us without censoring or editing it. However, instead of the three-page cut-off, an alarm goes off at the end of 10 minutes. Often, our teachers would couple timed free-writing with a prompt to help us get started. A prompt can be anything, such as, “Write about a time you felt free/scared/happy,” or what have you.

This method has been my go-to whenever I feel unmotivated to write. It tends to feel like a chore in the beginning. But I tell myself, “It’s just 10 minutes. I can do that.” Very often, I find that I enjoy what I’m writing and keep going even after the timer has gone off.

3. Writing with the senses

As mentioned in the point above, we can use prompts to help us get started. One type of prompt could be a sensory experience. A couple of years back, I was writing a short fictional piece about a butterfly, inspired by something I heard on the news. However, a paragraph in, I was stuck and couldn’t write anymore. After trying to get my mojo back for a couple of days, I decided to try sitting in a park to write. Nature stirred me. I imagined what the world would feel like from my hero’s (the butterfly’s) perspective. Ideas began coming together and I was able to complete the first draft of that story in a few hours. 

The prompt could be a piece of art, a song, or an object that you twirl between our fingers. Anything that teases the senses would work. These prompts can help kickstart a project, as well as enrich and deepen your writing.

4. Writing with questions

The final tool I’d like to share is writing with questions. We can use prompts that already exist (here’s an article on journaling that has a few to help you get started) or we could begin by first thinking of a few questions that we’d like to answer. 

Once we have the questions, we sit and write out the answers. It’s as if we’re interviewing ourselves. As we do, we’d see just how much wisdom exists within us. I’ve found this to be particularly helpful when working on bigger projects, like essays. It helps bring structure and keeps me focused on what I need to cover. It could also help you reflect on your personal growth, business, and goals.

What Should You Do With Your Writing?

We’ve considered how writing can help HSPs and looked at a few techniques to get started. You might now be wondering what to do with your writing. What happens to all those notebooks full of your inner thoughts and ideas? 

• It could be just for you. Writing is a very personal experience. We don’t need to share anything that we are not comfortable sharing. Our writing could be just for us. I save all my notebooks and look through them when I need inspiration. It’s often been very rewarding to read my ideas from years back. It could encourage you to see your growth. You might also find thoughts in there that were unformed when you jotted them down, which are now ready for further exploration.
• You could share it. While some writing may just be for us, we might find that there are other pieces of work that we want to show the world. We can develop it further, post it on social media, add it to our blog, send it out to magazines (including Highly Sensitive Refuge) or read it out and perform it for a group of friends and family.
• You could use it to inform your personal development. In many ways, writing can be a lifesaver. Personally, this practice has helped me get through anxiety and spells of having a low mood. It has also helped me rediscover who I am and give myself love and acceptance. In this way, the page has been my therapist. However, there are times when we need to reach out to someone else. A couple of good indicators are when successive pieces of writing seem to be obsessing over similarly distressing themes or when it feels like we cannot see solutions to our struggles. The process of writing itself provides a lot of insight and can help us identify when to reach out to another person.

So, Give It a Try 

As sensitive people, we can write to understand and express our emotions, thoughts, and ideas. If it’s not yet a part of your daily (or weekly) practice, give it a try. 

But as an HSP, also remember to be kind to yourself as you begin the process, and refrain from judging your words (or blank pages, for that matter). Happy writing! 

You might like:

• 9 Types of Journaling Perfect for Highly Sensitive People
• 8 Tips for HSPs to Take ‘Little’ Things Less Personally
• HSPs Often Crave Quiet. Can ‘Selective Noise’ Be Even Better?

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Do You Prefer Writing to Speaking? You Might Be a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Back when I was a doctor-in-training, there was one patient whose wounds we were not allowed to dress. She had ulcers on her leg that were extremely painful. We were, however, asked to observe how the surgeons bandaged the wounds.

I could see how careful the surgeons were — they’d apologize after every dab and tug. But the patient was still in distress.

Being a highly sensitive person (HSP), I found witnessing this incredibly uncomfortable. Her cries were haunting. My chest constricted in response and my eyes welled up with tears. So I excused myself from the room…

After they had completed their work, one of the surgeons found me and asked if I was okay. I explained all that I was feeling. I think he understood. He acknowledged that being “so sensitive” would make it difficult to do what a doctor does. Then he nodded as he said, “I think my role here is to help you toughen up.”

On the one hand, I was immensely grateful. Here was a surgeon who checked on me, asked how I was feeling, and genuinely wanted to ensure that I became a successful doctor. But, on the other hand, I felt a defiant unwillingness to let go of my high sensitivity.

I chose not to “toughen up” and to embrace my sensitivity instead.

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Here’s Why Sensitive People Don’t Need to ‘Toughen Up’

People (especially those who care about us) tell us that we need to become “less sensitive” and more “thick-skinned.” It might be our parents who are worried about how we’ll survive in an insensitive world. Or teachers whose job it is to equip us to function on our own. It could be bosses who feel that our sensitivity may hold us back. Or our communities that believe sensitivity is a sign of weakness and a trait that makes us vulnerable. Whatever it is, it’s usually well-intentioned. The people who want us to “toughen up” also want us to thrive.

However, this doesn’t mean we should “give up” our sensitivity. Research has found that high sensitivity has a genetic basis and influences the way our nervous systems work. It’s part of our nature. To fight that and become hardy alter-egos would take a significant amount of work. 

Secondly, there are many benefits to being an HSP. Our heightened awareness, introspective nature, and empathy contribute to our wellness, as well as to the health of those around us. Dispensing with these qualities would be a loss.

Below, I’ll elaborate on five aspects of the HSP experience that I have grown to love and explore ways in which each of these is a strength to cherish. Then, I’ll look at some potential challenges they present and how I deal with them.

So get ready to wear your sensitivity as a badge of honor, too!

5 Reasons to Wear Your Sensitivity as a Badge of Honor 

1. It’ll make you more aware of your body and its sensations.

Researchers have found that people who score high on the HSP scale (HSPs) are more sensitive than those who don’t (non-HSPs) to sensations within their bodies. (In fact, nearly 30 percent of the population is considered to be highly sensitive.)

Being more aware of internal prompts, such as hunger, thirst, and fatigue, means that we can meet our needs more quickly. And studies show that our sensitivity to bodily discomfort and pain, too, could also encourage us to notice symptoms and signs of illness and get help if, and when, necessary. This is highly beneficial, because it’s always best to notice, and treat, illnesses early.

The flip side of being acutely aware of our body is that we might get alarmed by internal cues that are not necessarily problematic. One study showed that sensory processing sensitivity (being an HSP) is associated with health anxiety. However, it’s not only HSPs who are at risk. The study also showed that being a health-conscious non-HSP increases health anxiety.

We are the primary caretakers of our own bodies and health, and being an HSP who is sensitive to the body’s signals makes the job easier. However, the cost of this heightened awareness is anxiety around health. A way to deal with health anxiety is to seek help as soon as possible, such as by seeing a therapist and primary care doctor. That way, once we’ve been examined and found well, our worries can be allayed.

2. It’ll help intensify experiences of the mind.

Our HSP minds carefully analyze everything, research has found. This could include external information (we’ll look at this in point 3), as well as our own thoughts and emotions. This makes us introspective and innovative. We enjoy thinking, learning new ideas, solving problems, connecting the dots, and creating things. We might even have mystical experiences, some researchers say. All of this enables us to keep growing.

The biggest challenge with feeling things deeply is that our thoughts and emotions can be so intense that they quickly spiral out of control. Research has found this to be true, too. We might plummet into sadness, anger, or fear when it shows up. Our sensitivity trait, when coupled with troubled childhoods, makes HSPs prone to developing anxiety or depression, studies show. 

Our awareness of ourselves, and our bodies, can help us notice when we begin to go down the rabbit hole. I have found that if someone says something that could bother me significantly, talking about it with my husband, friend, or therapist — as soon as it happens — can help me to avoid catastrophizing. Practicing mindfulness, through meditations and grounding techniques, can also help us stay rooted where we are instead of getting into an overthinking spiral.

3. It’ll help you be more aware of every facet of your environment.

Perhaps the best-described facet of the HSP experience is our sensitivity to environmental cues, as research shows. I can happily get lost in my senses, especially when in a forest. The buzz of a mosquito’s wing, the song of an unknown bird, the legs of a ladybug on my skin, the chill of the air as I breathe (and the taste of its freshness on my tongue), and on and on… Everything that we can sense — light, color, sound, taste, smell, touch — seems very vivid and magnified to our sensitive selves. 

Our heightened sensitivity makes the world an enchanting place to be, and our ability to notice our environment enhances our proficiency in capturing it. We make good writers and artists, for example. Our sensitivity also allows us to appreciate subtle changes (we might make excellent sleuths, too!).

The trouble, of course, is that when there is too much stimulation, we might experience sensory overload. The world can seem messy, distressing, and frustrating. To prevent this, I avoid events that could overstimulate me. Instead, I try to surround myself with nature and the things I love (whenever possible). 

But, in our technologically advanced and fast-paced world, this is not always possible. What helps me is to ensure that I take breaks and retreat to spaces where I can recharge and recuperate, which researchers have found to be important, too.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. It’ll increase your empathy skills (even more).

As sensitive types, we are known for our empathy. We are able to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and see things from their perspectives (whether we like it or not!). We can feel their emotions and relate to their pain. 

This makes us really good listeners and companions to those who are suffering. In addition, our ability to see the other person’s point of view makes it easier for us to see where they are coming from and accept them. As a writer of fiction, this has also helped me develop life-like, lovable characters.

However, feeling people’s pain puts us in a position where we are easily affected by what we witness. Even though, when we empathize, the pain is someone else’s, our brains process it as though the source of the pain is within our own bodies. Our emotional and physiological responses to the pain that we see in others are identical to what they would have been if the pain was wholly ours. 

Simply put, when we empathize, we hurt. Hence, we need to give ourselves time to recover from what comes up for us as we encounter another person’s suffering.

Studies have found that our empathy also allows us to be very perceptive to other people’s responses to us. As HSPs, we tend to avoid disapproval, and sometimes start people-pleasing instead. The best solution I have found is to give myself love and be surrounded by those who understand me.  

5. It’ll boost your desire to help others.

As HSPs, we are not just good at empathizing, but we are also very caring people: We can’t just see someone struggling and walk away. We feel the urge to help them. Highly sensitive people also feel the desire to leave the world a little better than it was before. Because of this, as HSPs, we often find ourselves drawn to professions in which we can help others, yet ones that also burn us out. Studies have found this to be true, too. 

What helps is to remember that we cannot, and need not, save the world on our own. We are a part of a large global community of people working toward making the world a better place. It also helps to remember to take time off and recover. After all, in order to help others, we need to care for ourselves and meet our own physical and psychological needs first. And alone time and “doing nothing” can work wonders for an HSP.

Why I Wear My Sensitivity as a Badge of Honor 

Remember: Although the world tells us that we must “toughen up,” we don’t necessarily have to. Not in the way they want us to anyway. Our attention to detail, ability to listen, and willingness to help those in need make us HSPs indispensable. 

And, contrary to popular opinion, we are not “weak” beings. Rather, we are resilient and able to take care of ourselves — and others. These are reasons why I wear my sensitivity with pride, why I embrace it, and I hope you do the same.

You might like:

• 8 Ways to Really Embrace Being a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Tend to Be People-Pleasers — and How to Stop
• How ‘Doing Nothing’ Does Something Big for HSPs

The post Why I Wear My Sensitivity as a Badge of Honor appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

As a 17-year-old, I wanted nothing more than to become a writer. Yet instead of pursuing it, I started Med School.

Eight years passed before I finally found my way back to writing. I carried tremendous guilt around this life – and career — detour… that is, until I learned that I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP). Understanding my sensitive nature helped me make sense of some of my choices. And, as a result, I was able to let go of any guilt I’d been hanging onto. In essence, I also learned to stop blaming myself for being sensitive. 

7 Ways to Stop Blaming Yourself for Being Sensitive 

1. Recognize that it’s okay not to succumb to pressure.

Sitting in an examination room back in college, I had a decision to make: I could either tank the medical entrance exam and fight my way into an arts college… or I could give the test my best shot and see the pride on my family’s face. 

No matter what I chose, I knew there would be challenges with either decision. The first route would disappoint my parents, but I would get to pursue my dream. If I walked the other path, my heart might sink, but I would not cause anyone else heartache. It took me over a decade to forgive myself for the choice I made — med school. We HSPs are people-pleasers, and this is a perfect example of that. I didn’t want to disappoint others, yet I ended up disappointing myself instead. 

Sensitive people hate conflict, and when the pressure gets too high to bear, they tend to cave. When I looked back at the decision I made with this information, I was able to cut myself some slack. It had not been an easy decision to make. I felt like a lot was riding on me. And I chose what I thought was best, given the circumstances.

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2. Taking up space does not mean being a burden to others; it is your right.

A month later, the results of that exam were announced — and the college accepted me. A family friend came over, congratulated me, and took me on a walk. “If you’re not really keen on doing medicine, don’t,” she said. “There are a lot of people who are desperate to get in. If you  accept, you’d be taking away their opportunity.”

In all fairness, when I entered the medical field, I wanted to give it a try. I figured that if my family was so sure of it, there had to be a possibility that I would fall in love with it, too. Plus, I thought I’d be able to bring my creativity into it. 

In all honesty, there were parts of studying medicine that I enjoyed. For instance, I couldn’t wait to become one of the people who shared medical knowledge with the world through research and the written word.

It was only after I started interacting with patients, and seeing their suffering firsthand, that I knew I really wasn’t cut out for being a physician. Eventually, I left clinical medicine to become a full-time writer. At this point, my friend’s words began to haunt me. If only I had made this decision as a 17-year-old, I thought, someone else could have gotten to study and practice medicine in my place.

Understanding that I am an HSP helped me appreciate why her comment affected me so much. HSPs are quick to internalize criticism. On top of that, when someone suggests that what we are doing is detrimental to someone else, it makes us feel bad. Really bad. My friend’s words made me think I was “stealing” what belonged to someone else, and the HSP in me couldn’t bear the thought of wronging another person. 

Thankfully, some of my other HSP traits, like deep thinking, empathy, and self-compassion, helped me through this. Seeing that I couldn’t just brush away her comment, I decided to lean into her statement and think it through carefully. I understood that she meant well, but didn’t really know how I was buckling under the pressure within. I also reminded myself that it wasn’t my intention to take anything away from anyone else. I’d meant well, too.

3. It’s alright to not “fit in,” and instead, appreciate your true (sensitive) nature.

By the time we started working with patients, I could tell that my classmates were enjoying the process more than I was. They were jumping at opportunities to work on cases and fighting for the chance to cut and stitch people up. Meanwhile, I was hiding in the corner, reading a well-worded textbook. I felt guilty that I was not a “good” doctor like the rest of my class.

Years later, the remorse shifted when I had an eye-opening conversation with an older couple. They, like many others, wanted to know why I left such a lucrative job behind. I didn’t know the term HSP then, so I explained how I felt: “I have this visceral reaction whenever I witness blood, injuries, or people in pain. I feel I’m so empathetic, it’s as if some of their pain is transferred onto me. It hurts me.” They then asked me why I didn’t just “get over” that feeling. I thought for a while and admitted that I actually didn’t want to.

I liked being observant, intuitive, and sensitive. I liked that when people were hurting, I could empathize. I loved the connectedness and camaraderie I felt. “Getting over” that would be changing who I inherently was. I did not want to do that. 

So I chose to be myself. I later realized that much of what I loved about myself were aspects of being a highly sensitive person. I stopped blaming myself for not fitting in and began savoring my individuality.

4. Remember that some things take time, like finding your true purpose in life.

Some people who knew that I wanted to be a writer, and follow my true purpose, asked me why I didn’t quit medicine sooner. And let me tell you, training to be a doctor was difficult — the long shifts, sleepless nights, unpredictable schedules, and skipped meals affected me physically. On top of which, the need to perform under pressure, and witnessing (and sometimes inflicting) pain, took a significant toll on my mental health. I felt guilty thinking that, by not continuing in the field, I would not be helping others. I felt as though I’d be a “bad” person for stopping.

I let go of guilt, and stopped blaming myself for feeling this way, once I understood that my HSP nature might have had something to do with why I stayed put for so long. Highly sensitive souls often feel responsible for others and tend to be very loyal. I stayed in medicine for as long as I did because I didn’t want to break a promise I made: when I joined med school, I agreed to work at a rural hospital for two years. From a batch of 60 students, I would be the only doctor to join that hospital’s team. I felt that if I’d quit halfway, the hospital (and its patients) would be at a loss. 

I stayed in medicine, and studied as hard as I could, in order to fulfill my obligation. Yes, I was thinking of others first. And this may not have been a good thing. But, as an HSP, breaking a promise seemed worse.

5. Think of yourself first instead of society at large and what others will think.

Ironically, I also blamed myself for not thinking of the larger good. When I completed my two-year obligation to that hospital, I decided that I would neither go back to clinical medicine nor do the exam to become a postgraduate student. People around me had a lot to say about this. The gist of their opinions was that, by quitting, I was letting all the patients in India who needed doctors suffer. All the patients! (Can you imagine the pressure?!) But I knew I needed to put myself, and my happiness, above anyone else’s.

Some of my mentors helped me change my false narrative. They helped me notice how, even as a writer, the themes I am drawn to and write about are related to suffering and healing. My work aims to help people heal, too, both physically and mentally. When I write, sharing my knowledge with the world, I am, in a way, working as a doctor. It’s just that the field of medicine that I am working in — the dissemination of medical understanding — is not yet fully developed in India. 

So, as an HSP, I often think about the bigger picture, and I’m pulled to do work that helps others. I have embraced my desire to help others, along with the awareness that I don’t do it the same way others do.   

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6. Nothing you’ve done is a waste of time — everything is a learning experience.

Switching from being a physician to becoming a full-time writer felt like going back to square one. I was 26 years old when I made the switch, but my intel on the literary field was based on what I had gathered at 17. I felt I was ill-equipped (and far behind) my writing peers. This led me to feeling guilty over having spent almost a decade away from writing. Of course, I blamed myself…

However, as I started writing, I noticed that things I had observed and experienced as a medical student — and later as a doctor — found their way into my stories, essays, and books. I realize now that no experience is wasted, especially for us HSPs. Because of my sensitivity, I paid attention to detail, noticed my surroundings, and engaged in deep conversations with people to help them find, and address, their worries. All this proved to be invaluable in my career as a writer. I now think of my time in medicine as a research expedition.

7. Accept, and embrace, any negative emotions that may come up.

I also used to blame myself for any negative emotions that would come up, like anger, sadness, and, interestingly, guilt. I felt that even though I had a difficult time finding my way in a profession I did not enjoy, I had “no right” to feel negative emotions because I had things that many others didn’t have. I had a loving family, great education, and all my basic needs were met. How could I complain, let alone be angry, upset, or ashamed? 

I also had a misconception that if I was really an HSP, I should only have gentle, benevolent thoughts toward others. Right?

Wrong.

Learning more about what it means to be a sensitive person helped. HSP or not, as humans, we all are bound to feel some negative emotions. For HSPs, those emotions — and the thoughts that go with them — can get quite intense. Aware of this, I decided that rather than tell myself that I should not have those emotions, I’d channel my feelings into my craft. This has been cathartic and has resulted in some beautiful, raw poetry and prose.

The More You Understand Your Sensitivity, the More You’ll Stop Blaming Yourself for Being ‘Too’ Sensitive

Understanding that I’m an HSP has helped me shed much of the self-blame. As HSPs, looking at the events of our lives can bring up feelings of remorse. Of course, sometimes we feel guilty because we made a mistake or hurt someone. If that’s the case, apologizing to the people we hurt, and forgiving ourselves for our faults, would do us good in the long run.

However, I’ve realized — both through my experience and the conversations I’ve had with others — that much of the guilt and self-blame we bear doesn’t mirror nasty behavior on our part. We often feel guilty about the way we innately are or about the benign choices that we make. We need not apologize for these. In fact, we will greatly benefit from accepting, and embracing, them — and ourselves — instead.

You might like:

• 8 Ways to Really Embrace Being a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Tend to Be People-Pleasers — and How to Stop
• How to (Actually) Find Your Purpose as a Highly Sensitive Person

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post It’s Time to Stop Blaming Yourself for Being Sensitive. Here’s How appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Some days, I find myself feeling sad without rhyme or reason. My day might have been fun, productive, or even filled with reasons to celebrate. Yet, I’d be sitting on my couch sulking, whining, even crying. It was confusing to say the least.

Once, a friend asked me where in my body I felt it most. “It’s all over,” I said. “Like how you feel after a long journey or strenuous exercise — almost like I’m tired.” That’s when it struck me: Perhaps I was tired. In retrospect, I realized that often what I called sadness referred to the exhaustion I experienced at the end of the day, the beginning of an illness or while burnt out with work. I mistook a physical sensation for an emotion.

Other times, the emotions I experience come from outside of me. I might have spoken to someone who was sad, and after listening and empathizing, I made their sadness my own. Or I might have watched a movie filled with loss and tragedy or listened to a song with minor chords. I might even be responding to the moodiness of the weather. In these cases, the melancholy I feel — which derails my day and sometimes spills over to the next — is not mine.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you might also absorb emotions. Maybe you soak up your partner’s stress. Maybe you cry when a friend suffers a loss. Maybe you’re bummed out by watching the news, or maybe thrillers and horror movies leave you scared and anxious for days. You’re experiencing this because of how empathetic you are.

Undoubtedly, our empathy is wonderful. It helps us understand others, moves us to action and enhances and deepens our interaction with people. However, sometimes the feelings we absorb can get overwhelming and distract us from our own experiences. That’s a problem, because your own emotions and thoughts as an HSP are just as important, if not more so, and they are getting lost. 

In this article, I’ll dig into the science behind how we come to embody emotions that aren’t ours, why we need to be careful when we do, and how to guard our mental health as empathetic HSPs.

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The Science of Empathy

The Link Between Empathy and HSPs

Research confirms that HSPs are highly empathetic — more so than the average person. And, although everyone mirrors the emotional states of those around them, it’s been shown that highly sensitive people do so to a much higher degree. 

Not surprisingly, there’s been curiosity around why HSPs are so empathetic. One explanation is that our empathy is linked to our perceptiveness and our ability to decipher body language, understand context, notice nuances and read between the lines. This is reflected in a study which looked at the functional MRI scans of the brains of HSPs. When HSPs in the study heard someone else’s story or witnessed their emotions, they showed far more activity than non-HSPs in the parts of the brain involved in processing information, detecting and interpreting emotions, sensing and understanding other people’s intentions, and preparing for action. 

The 3 Ways People Absorb Emotions

Scientists have actually identified three separate pathways by which we as human beings can be deeply affected by the emotional experiences of others. We’ll look at three of these to help us understand ourselves better and determine how we can safeguard our mental health:

1. Emotional Contagion

Emotional contagion means that feelings tend to spread from person to person as if they are infectious. It happens almost automatically, to the point that just being in someone’s company shifts your mood. Research on emotional contagion suggests that when we interact with people, we notice their body language and mirror it. For instance, if someone is pouting, you might reflexively make a pouting face too. Then, the muscles in your body that are now pouting send messages back to the brain, which interprets it as unhappiness. Importantly, this pathway does not require you to know the context behind the emotion — emotions are transferred to you just from seeing someone’s expression.

2. Perspective-Taking

The second pathway for absorbing emotions, known as perspective-taking, involves considering context. Whenever we hear or witness something, we imagine ourselves in that situation and, from our perspective, we think about how we would feel. Even though it’s only happening in our mind, it feels as if we’re living it. The specific emotions you experience from perspective-taking depend on who you are, what you believe and how you think — they stem from your own point of view. Because of this, the emotions you “absorb” may be different from those of the person you absorbed them from.

3. Cognitive Empathy

The third pathway is a bit more logical. Rather than putting ourselves in other people’s shoes and thinking about how we would feel, we understand their point of view and how they are feeling. We reason out what their thoughts, beliefs and emotions might be based on what they say and what we know about them and their situation. This process involves theory of mind and is sometimes called cognitive empathy. With this pathway, you understand the person’s emotions but you don’t necessarily internalize them. For example, you may empathize with a friend who wasn’t able to complete a marathon even if that goal means little to you. Since everyone’s values and interests are different, you might not feel the same way as your friend does — yet you understand how important completing the marathon is for them and you stand in solidarity.

Want to reduce stress and thrive as an empath? We recommend these online courses from psychotherapist and sensitivity expert Julie Bjelland. Click here to learn more.

Your Empathy Has No Failsafe

Your empathy, though beautiful, is not failsafe. The emotions you absorb may overwhelm you. You might get so upset or anxious imagining what it would be like to carry other people’s burdens that the weight of those emotions topples you. It might drain your energy and prevent you from moving on with your day. Yet carrying these emotions may not help the people you empathize with. In fact, the emotions you internalize may not even be the emotions that they feel. Have you ever had someone feel sorry for you when you didn’t feel that way about yourself? That person is empathizing with you. Only, they’re feeling emotions that are totally different from yours. You can imagine how unhelpful that can be. In fact, when we empathize this way, people might take offense at how we’re feeling or feel pressured to comfort us.

Some of the emotions we feel may not belong to other people either. If you’re like me, you might have spent a few sleepless nights worrying about the characters in the dramas you follow. It’s even possible that the emotions aren’t human. We sometimes anthropomorphize things, attributing feelings and thoughts to inanimate objects. I once cried looking at a boulder that seemed to be all by itself. It’s fascinating how moved and bothered we HSPs get by the things in our environment. It is profoundly imaginative and can be cathartic. However, it’s also possible that we are involuntarily weighed down by these emotions.

And while ruminating on all these emotions, there’s a good chance that we may leave our own thoughts and emotions around our ordeals and escapades neglected and unprocessed. We may not celebrate our wins, feel our true emotions, or think through our doubts. However, our experiences, thoughts and feelings are important. We need to be attentive to ourselves as well. We can do this by being a little more mindful of the emotions we feel.

5 Ways to Hear Your Own Emotions — Instead of Someone Else’s

1. Ask, “What do I really feel?”

As mentioned earlier, we sometimes mistake our physical sensations for emotions. Our minds and bodies are intricately connected. When one is affected, the other feels it too: physical experiences affect mental health and emotional states affect the body’s function. I like to think of it as us empathizing with our bodies. So, when we experience an emotion, it would be worth our while to check in with our bodies asking questions like “where is that feeling felt?” “Is it a sign of something else?” “Do we need anything — food, water, a few extra layers of clothes, the air-conditioner, or sleep?” and “How can I provide for myself?” 

2. Ask, “Why might I be feeling this?”

When we’re feeling a strong emotion, it helps to ask ourselves what’s making us feel that way. The answer might jump out at us. The emotion might be tied to a recent incident. Knowing what’s caused it can help us process our thoughts around it. Other times, we may not be able to figure out why we’re feeling the way we are. This could be an indication that the emotion is not ours.

I occasionally catch myself making up reasons for my emotions. For instance, when I’m feeling angry without anything upsetting having happened, I’d hunt for things that I could be angry at. I’ve come to recognize this as a clue that the emotion I’m experiencing isn’t mine.

3. Ask, “Whose emotions are these?”

If we notice emotions that feel alien to us or incongruous to our experience, we can ask ourselves whose emotions they are. Remembering when our mood shifted and whose emotions we are mirroring can help us pinpoint where and whom we picked the emotion up from. We can, then, let those feelings go if we choose to. If we’re close to the people we are empathizing with, we could also reach out to them and be present with them as they work through their thoughts.

4. Ground yourself in your reality

Recognizing emotions that aren’t ours and letting them go can reduce overwhelm. I imagine it as a fog lifting. It feels lighter and brings clarity. However, letting go of other people’s emotions, can also bring up feelings of emptiness or anxiety. This could be because there’s nothing distracting us from the scary task of reflecting on ourselves. Nevertheless, we need to sift through our own thoughts and emotions because they are important and only we can sort them out. It doesn’t have to be daunting, however. We could begin by grounding ourselves in our current reality. What is going on with us? What do we think and feel about it? Paying attention to ourselves this way, brings to mind things to celebrate as well as things that are bothersome. We can then give them the time and consideration they are due.

5. Curate your space

Finally, we can be deliberate about what we expose ourselves to. There are times when we have no choice but to be in the company of people, things and experiences that sway our mood. Most often, though, we can decide what we surround ourselves with. Our minds are like an art gallery that we are the curators of. We can decide what we fill the space with. We can be intentional about the people we spend time with, the influencers we follow on social media and the amount of time we spend watching the news. We can pick the genres of shows and movies we watch, the music we listen to and the books we read. And if something affects us in ways we don’t like, we can choose not to spend time on them. 

The Best Person to Empathize With Is Yourself

We HSPs can be like sponges. We absorb everyone else’s energy, words and emotions and feel heavy and dampened by them. We may internalize other people’s emotions to such an extent that their feelings obscure and replace ours. While our empathy is powerful and helps make the world a kinder place, we mustn’t forget that our thoughts and emotions as individuals are precious too. We need to ensure that we make space for and validate them. As HSPs, we need to hear out and empathize with ourselves too.

You Might Like:

• How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions
• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post This Is Why You Absorb Other People’s Emotions, According to Science appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you know how easily you’re affected by everything and everyone around you. You might wince when witnessing someone else’s pain, cry along with those who are in tears, or feel deep smoldering anger at the injustice in the world. You have these reactions because as an HSP, you don’t just notice what others don’t — you empathize. You try to see the world from other people’s points of view. To understand them. 

But if you’re like me, you might have also wondered if being this way is good and if your empathy helps anyone. Does it actually make a difference?

As it turns out, the impact may surprise you — both among professionals and in everyday life.

The Surprising Power of Empathy 

In his book On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy, psychologist Carl Rogers writes as follows. “I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand another person… my understanding of these individuals permits them to change. It permits them to accept their own fears and bizarre thoughts and tragic feelings and discouragements, as well as their moments of courage and kindness and love and sensitivity. And it is their experience as well as mine that when someone fully understands those feelings, this enables them to accept those feelings in themselves.” Rogers’ work has had a profound influence on the fields of therapy, coaching and education. According to him, empathy is not only helpful, but also transformational. In other words: empathy changes lives. 

You might have experienced empathy’s transformational power yourself. Have you ever told someone about a struggle you’re facing and come away from the conversation feeling a whole lot better? (And, did you notice that your listener actually said very little?) Chances are you were in conversation with an empathetic or sensitive listener.

I’ve had a few such life-altering chats. Each was unique — different struggles, different people. Some were even by email. Yet they all had one thing in common: They made me feel heard.

That sense of being “heard” is indescribably comforting. It makes you feel accepted, understood and, often, full of new perspectives. It’s as if the mere affirmation and presence of someone caring can allow you to get over fears, restore your self-esteem, and push forward to your goals. 

It wasn’t the advice these individuals gave that created this feeling. It was their empathy. My listeners helped me feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable. That made me feel like my experiences were valid and important. As I spoke about what I was going through, they gave me their full attention. I didn’t feel judged. Instead, they responded with words and actions that made me feel understood. They asked questions to help me think and offered encouragement. That helped me rebuild my confidence and trust my intuition. That is what empathy does — it heals people. And, increasingly, scientists are seeing this, too. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

The Science Behind Empathy’s Transformative Power

A new wave of research into empathy has had significant results. Empathy isn’t just powerful emotionally, researchers have found; it can actually build relationships, make work more enjoyable and productive, support recovery from loss, and help in dealing with physical illnesses. Social scientist Mary T. Shannon goes so far as to say that, “The simple yet complex art of listening is, in and of itself, a clinical intervention, for the healing that comes from being listened to is often greater than any cure.” Empathy, she writes, is therapeutic.

Empathy is one of the strengths of the highly sensitive person. Brain scan studies show that when HSPs notice people, parts of the brain involved in processing information, empathizing, and preparing to respond are activated — far more so than the same brain areas in non-HSPs.

In fact, sensitive people don’t just listen to what a person is saying through their words. We also notice body language and pick up on unspoken emotions. Then, we actively do things that help people feel heard. We intuitively alter our tone of voice and body posture to match the person we are listening to. We respond with behavior like crying, hugging, and offering encouragement and support, which contribute to helping people feel heard and understood. At our best, we practice emotional intelligence and compassion.  

In other words: yes, HSPs, your empathy really does matter. It really does change people’s lives. And, even if it is painful sometimes, it can even change the world. It is not just in your head. 

Yet being empathic does have risks. Even for HSPs, empathy takes energy and effort. As a result, if we’re not careful with it, we may experience burnout, fatigue, and illness. As HSPs, we need to be mindful of our own wellbeing as we empathize so that we stay healthy while helping others heal.

There is no fixed recipe for how to do that, but here are the things that researchers — and my own experience — suggest help the most.

6 Ways to Practice Empathy Without Burnout

1. Pay attention to how you’re feeling before you offer to listen.

On realizing that you are an empathic listener, people may reach out to you to help them process their thoughts. It’s wonderful news because it means they know the value of your sensitivity.

However, you might not always be in the right space to handle their burdens. You could be dealing with your own struggles. You might be overwhelmed or burned out. Maybe you’re recovering physically and psychologically from some kind of hurt. Listening to another person in this state might worsen your health. You might also find yourself being snappier and more judgmental than usual, and that could hurt rather than help the person you are listening to. So, it’s important for both your wellbeing and the other person’s that you feel better first.

It is completely okay — and compassionate — to tell someone, “I’m pretty emotionally exhausted right now, and I know I won’t be the best person to listen or help. But I want to make sure you get support. Do you have someone else you can talk to?” 

Alternatively, offer to talk with them at another set day or time — but only if you’re sure you will have the energy by then. 

2. Be aware of your own biases — and how they’ll affect the conversation.

Our empathy can be colored by our biases. Our relationships with the person we are listening to and the issues that they want to discuss can affect the tone of the conversation. For example, if the person who wants to speak to you has hurt you before, you may find it challenging to listen to them without recalling the hurt. Or if you’ve idolized them, you might find it difficult to accept the reality of their struggles and shortcomings. 

You might even have strong feelings about the issue itself. For example, imagine a female friend who needs to vent about how she was criticized for giving her baby formula rather than breast milk (or vice versa). If you have the opposite preference to your friend, it can end up skewing your advice or your ability to listen. The same is true for issues you are grappling with yourself, or that trigger trauma from your past. It’s difficult in these situations to empathize without judgment. 

If you know you have strong feelings about a person or issue, then, it’s a good idea to help them find someone else to talk to and focus on healing yourself before you give them a listening ear. 

3. Be present as your sensitive self (even if that means being silent).

People whose work requires a lot of interaction with suffering — such as doctors, nurses and therapists — are often taught to set aside their sensitivity and distance themselves emotionally from their patients. They are even taught the “right” things to say, rather than allowing their feelings to guide their words. This training was not meant to be heartless — it was once believed to reduce the risk of burnout and “compassion fatigue.” In reality, it makes them less present, less connected to their patients. Research now shows that this sense of distance can feel uncomfortable and disingenuous. 

(Patients themselves are well aware of this. A study of people with cancer showed that patients did not want carers to pity them or mechanically say the right words. Instead, they wanted their healthcare providers to be sensitive and feel their sorrows with them.)

It’s not just in hospitals where this matters. Even for HSPs, it can be all too easy to fall into saying the “right” things, the stock phrases that distance us from people’s pain: “I’m sure it will all work out for the best.” “Things always happen for a reason.” “He’ll get his in the end.” 

We say these things because we often don’t know what to say. How do you respond to someone’s loss, when there is no way to undo it? How do you help them during injustice, when you have no way to right it? 

But there is something you can say: you can say nothing. You can just listen, truly present, and let the person talk. You can put your arm around them or hold their hand. You can sit through the awkward silences while they find their words. 

Or, if you need to say anything at all, you can ask questions. 

People crave this kind of true empathy, and — if you can silence the words we’re “trained” to say — such empathy will come naturally to you as an HSP. 

So, forget about what you “should” do (or say) and be present for your patient, student, client, employee, family member or friend as your sensitive self.

Want to reduce stress and thrive as an empath? We recommend these online courses from psychotherapist and sensitivity expert Julie Bjelland. Click here to learn more.

4. Ask the person confiding in you what they need.

In a 2021 study, researchers asked bank employees what made them feel heard by their supervisors. Some of them said that they felt listened to if their supervisors made time and space for them to speak. Others, however, were not satisfied with just having the opportunity to transfer information. They felt heard only if the conversation was followed by some kind of action on the part of their supervisor, be it mentoring and brainstorming, making changes in the workplace or getting new resources. For the second group of people, listening included responding. It’s only when the speaker’s specific requirement is met that they would truly feel heard.

So, how do we figure out what the person we’re listening to needs or expects? The simplest way would be to ask. A friend often asks me, “Do you need a listening ear today or would you also like my suggestions?” Other questions you could ask include “How would you like me to help?” or “What might make you feel better?” Once you know, you would be in a better position to give them what they need.

Even so, the person you are speaking with may not always know for sure. They might initially say that they only want to vent and later ask for your opinion. Contrarily, they might say they want your advice only to answer their own questions during the conversation. If they aren’t sure what they need, start by listening and ask them what they’d like you to do for them later.

5. Be mindful of your own wellbeing during the conversation.

The first time that I listened to a person who was dealing with a lot of difficulties, I ended up feeling physically unwell. I got so invested in their wellbeing that I completely forgot about my own. We spoke for hours, during which I barely hydrated. I skipped lunch and avoided moving from my seat. By the end of the day, I was so exhausted I developed a horrible migraine.

I’m not the only one. As an HSP, you can easily get engrossed in the lives of the people you empathize with — and yet HSPs tend to feel tired quicker when listening than other people do. To avoid burnout and illness, it’s important that we learn to care for ourselves while “doing” empathy. 

One of the best ways to do that is to let the person know up front how much time you have: “I can talk for about an hour. What’s on your mind?” 

Another way is to remember that interrupting for your own needs isn’t rude, it’s a kindness to both of you. For example, you can say, “Hold on. I want to hear the rest of this, too. Let me refill my water bottle/make us a snack/turn down this bright lighting first.” 

6. Figure out what to do with the emotions and information you have taken in.

HSPs tend to feel other people’s pain as if it were our own. We also absorb and internalize a lot of what other people are saying and feeling. So, after speaking with a person who’s struggling, you might feel on edge (from their stress), gutted (from their grief), or even violated and helpless (from their trauma). You need to know how to notice these internalizations and deal with them appropriately. Here are two ways to do that. 

First, after a heavy conversation, I take a few minutes to whisper to myself that the feelings I’m experiencing may not be mine. “I’m not stressed out, Smita was.” Or, “The sadness I’m feeling right now is James’s. I’m actually celebrating a huge milestone at work.” Labeling which emotions are mine and which ones aren’t often helps me let go of the feelings that I’ve absorbed from others. 

However, some feelings and thoughts might have gotten in deep. They might have triggered a memory that I haven’t healed from or brought up an unresolved fear. That’s when the second method comes in: make space to process what’s coming up for you. You might even ask another sensitive listener to hear you out. Or, take time to yourself (in your HSP sanctuary space, in nature, or just anywhere on your own) to let yourself feel what you need to feel. 

You too might find it beneficial to ask yourself whose emotions, beliefs and stories you are holding close to your heart. When you know, also ask yourself how you want to be present for and listen to yourself.

Your Empathy Really Does Transform Lives

As an HSP, there are many strengths that you bring to the world. Your empathy is one of them. And it’s a formidable gift to have because it can transform lives. Your family, friends, colleagues, clients, even strangers benefit from your empathy. As they speak to you, knowing that you hear and understand them, they begin to find clarity and confidence within themselves. Your empathy helps them grow. 

But something else happens too. 

Carl Rogers explained that when we set aside our biases and beliefs and really try to understand another person, our perceptions about them, the world and ourselves can shift. We may leave that dialogue just as changed. By empathizing with and listening to another individual, you might find that you have grown too. 

You Might Like: 

• Do Some People Absorb Emotions? Here’s What Science Says
• How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect?

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Does an HSP’s Empathy Really Change Lives? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

The motor revved as it propelled the boat out into the Arabian Sea. The wind rushing by, the water spraying on us as we crashed and climbed waves, and the views of dolphins and dramatic cliffs were majestic — and more than filled up my adventure quota as a cautious, sensitive person for the year. 

Just when things were going great, the sound of the engine died down. I looked behind me. Land seemed far away. I peered over the edge of the boat. I couldn’t see the floor of the ocean, only the reflection of the clear, cloudless sky disfigured by the uneven, frothy sea. 

The guide mumbled. 

“Why are we stopping?” I asked my husband. “What did he say?” 

“He said we can get in the water.”

I was appalled. “Why??” 

“To swim in the sea.” I could hear the excitement in his voice. My husband is not as sensitive as I am, and having planned for this experience, he was really looking forward to it 

“You go. I’m happy in the boat,” I said. 

He asked again just to be sure and got into the water. Others went in too. Little kids jumped in behind their parents. An older woman climbed down the ladder and floated, chin to the sky. The boat was empty now, save me and someone’s grandmother. 

The guide, noticing this, came back and urged me to “just try it”. After long minutes of persuasion, I gave in and climbed down the ladder myself. 

But I couldn’t feel the ocean bed. So, I held on to the railing. After more convincing, I let go of the boat and clung to my husband’s neck. 

“Let go,” others around me urged. “You will float.”

But I was terrified. What if I don’t? What if I do and I float away? What if there are sharks? In a few moments I clambered back onto the deck, soaking wet, grateful to be alive. 

The guide probably thought I was missing out on so much when I was just sitting in the boat. Fear, he might have thought, limited me. But, for me, as a highly sensitive person (HSP), getting into the deep waters when I hadn’t the faintest clue how to swim was unnecessary and overwhelmingly scary. 

I think many HSPs feel this way: we are nervous about things when others aren’t. We hold back. Maybe we even seem more fearful than others. And it can feel like it limits us — or simply make us stand out. 

The good news is that in such cases our fear isn’t always what it seems. And, if we want to, we can learn how to handle our fear so that we get to do the things we want to (without getting reckless). In this article we’ll look at how HSPs respond to scary situations, why we’re wired that way, and how we can conquer our fears.

Why do we really experience fear?

Fear is often thought of as a crutch, something that always holds us back and derails our desires. This narrative makes it seem like the sole purpose of fear is to cause physical, emotional and social inconvenience. Like fear is a super villain out to destroy us. 

But the science behind fear shows that it is actually the opposite: Fear exists to keep us safe. According to neuroscientist Ralph Adolph in his impressive research review, fear is a state caused by stimuli that indicate a threat to our safety. In response the fear state launches a set of biochemical and physiological changes. We feel on edge. We might run away. We may get defensive and prepare to fight. This arousal is the body’s way of helping us neutralize the threat, and fear is the fire that kindles the process. So fear is not the enemy. It’s more of an ally.

But that is not to say that fear always helps us. There are times when our faithful friend — fear — does hold us back. It keeps us from doing things that we know we will enjoy. 

Highly Sensitive People Aren’t ‘More’ Afraid. We’re Afraid Differently. 

Because HSPs don’t jump head-first into things they’re unfamiliar with, people often see sensitive people as more afraid. But being an HSP doesn’t mean being a fearful person. We actually fear things only as much as everyone else does. What’s unique about us, though, is how we approach and deal with danger. 

Brain studies suggest that as highly sensitive people, we naturally think through situations in more depth. Or, as Andre Sólo and Jenn Granneman phrased it in their bestselling book Sensitive, “Sensitive people are like military strategists, considering all the angles to maximize the chance of a win.” So, when we find ourselves in an unfamiliar situation, as HSPs, we consider all possible outcomes — including potential problems. 

(We also detect and notice more subtle stimuli than less-sensitive people, meaning we may be aware of more real and potential threats than others are. That’s a feature, not a bug.) 

However, we are often told that we “shouldn’t go there.” That we shouldn’t think of ways things could go wrong. People give us this advice to prevent us from catastrophizing and despairing. But just putting aside our fears may not be the best course of action for HSPs — and it certainly isn’t the most comfortable. 

Instead, based on my experience as a medical doctor and a highly sensitive person myself, there are five specific strategies HSPs can use to safely (and calmly) confront their fears, and overcome them when needed. 

5 Strategies to Conquer Your Fear as an HSP

1. Hear Out The Fear

If fears are our body’s way of protecting us, it’s a good idea to pause and assess the situation. Check if there is danger. Research shows that this is how HSPs prefer to operate: When we are exposed to something new, we “pause to check”. Doing so allows us to gather sufficient information and think through what to do next. You can harness this to overcome your fear, however, by viewing it as a “first step” — don’t take the fear as absolutely true (maybe it really is safe to swim near the boat!), but take it seriously and evaluate. 

When you hear out your fears, it’s like being a friend listening to another friend’s concern; you get a clearer understanding of yourself, your environment, and why you are afraid. Hearing out your fears also helps you address them. Sometimes, as you think it through, you might realize that you are safe or you might find yourself getting familiar with the once-scary situation. You might even notice that the fear subsides on its own. Other times, hearing the fear out will help you understand where the problem lies and get specific assistance.

Here’s an example of how “hearing out the fear” might look:

There was a brook by my house that I loved visiting whenever I needed to think or be alone. It was dry most of the year, but lush bamboo grew on either side, touching leaves mid-air to create a canopy. One morning, while crossing it to get to school, I saw a snake wriggling in the branches as it swallowed its prey. I ran. For a few weeks, I felt wary of going back into the dry stream. But I also missed my thinking spot. Hearing out my fear meant acknowledging that it was a real threat; the brook was known to house venomous snakes and I needed to be careful.

But, because I loved the brook so much, I sat with my fear and thought through it more. I decided to address it: Since the fear was around snakes, I learned more about serpents and how to tell apart the poisonous ones from the harmless ones. Over time, I began to be fascinated by them. Once I had gained enough insight into the situation, not only did I return to the brook, I actually went hoping I’d see another snake. 

2. Accept Some Fears (But Not All of Them)

Once we have heard out our fears, we can figure out what to do with them. Now, as humans, we fear numerous things. It could be external threats, like large expanses of water or spiders, or internal struggles — like deciding if it’s worth being authentic when that risks rejection. Not all of these fears need to be overcome. Further, for the HSP, trying to tackle them all might feel daunting and cause overwhelm. (Facing our fears takes considerable energy!) So, be selective about which fears are really worth addressing. 

For instance, a friend told me that after experiencing trauma, she was afraid of men. This was affecting her life and limiting her opportunities. Because she wanted to live a fulfilling life without regrets, she decided to work through her fear of men. “I’m also afraid of rats, though,” she continued. “But I don’t think that’s a fear I would bother working on unless I’m going on a show like Fear Factor.” The lesson I learned from her is that we don’t have to try to conquer all our fears. We can pick our battles. And a good indicator of a fear to deal with is if it’s stopping you from doing something you want to do.

3. Imagine the Worst Case — and How to Handle It

HSPs often try to avoid imagining the worst-case scenario, because it can be emotionally taxing, and plenty of well-intentioned others will tell us to try to put our fears out of our mind. But, if you approach it right, the opposite may work better.

Specifically, you might find that it’s helpful to let the scenario play out in your mind, and then plan for how you would handle it. Preparing for setbacks can actually remind us that we can handle the situation. It reduces the intensity of our fear, and increases confidence instead. (In fact, imagining how you’d handle an emergency is so powerful that, according to Stanford psychologist Phil Zimbardo, it’s one of the factors that gets people to behave heroically in a crisis rather than freezing up.) Plus, if by chance the situation does worsen, you will have a course of action to follow.

4. Practice Skills to Take On Your Fear

Once you’ve done the internal work, you might be ready to deal with your fear. However, you don’t have to face them head on the moment you recognize and understand them. Rather, you can challenge your fears incrementally in simulated environments, getting yourself ready for the real deal. In other words: you can practice.

With practice comes familiarity, and things that felt horrifying to begin with start to get less frightening. Practice also means you can learn more about what alarms you, just as I did with snakes. And you can become more capable of dealing with similarly threatening situations in the future. (For example, If I wanted to, I could learn to swim so the deep ocean doesn’t frighten me.) 

I put this into practice a few years ago, after a speech I delivered fell flat: No one laughed at my jokes. There were no nods of understanding. In fact, a friend even slid down in their seat out of embarrassment for me. The experience made me feel self-conscious and afraid to speak in public again. 

However, because I love sharing my ideas, I decided to work on this fear. I got in touch with a professional speaker, learned from her, wrote multiple iterations of potential speeches, and I practiced (sometimes looking in the mirror, other times in front of my trainer, family, or friends). 

When it was time to give my next speech, I wasn’t afraid. I could engage with my audience and several people told me later that they learned a lot from it. And the more speeches I gave, the more comfortable I became with them. 

This same idea is employed in exposure therapy, a psychological treatment that professionals use to help people overcome phobias and anxiety. If you feel like you need extra help dealing with a fear, exposure therapy is a safe, gradual way to do it.

5. Lean Into Your Strengths

My final tip is to look for evidence of your existing strengths. Chances are that you have dealt with scary things before. You might have even dealt with the same fear in a different situation. Remembering that you made it through those sticky situations — and remembering which of your skills and strengths helped you — can be reassuring. If you’ve done it before, you know that you have it in you to do it again.

This is the strategy I employ every time I fly. I used to be very scared of flying (mainly because I got airsick and my ears hurt). But after a few uneventful trips, I began to tell myself, “You know what to do to have a good flight. You’ve done it before; you can do it again.” This self-assurance really helps. 

Sensitive Can Be Brave

HSPs may be mislabeled as risk aversive and fearful. But we are neither. We just take time to assess the situation. However, when we really want something and have the opportunity to think through how we’d mitigate the risks, we go all in with passion and enthusiasm. We highly sensitive people are strong — and we can also be brave.

This means that we don’t have to worry that we can’t chase our dreams. We don’t have to “play small” thinking that only certain jobs or experiences are within our reach. We can pretty much do whatever we set our minds to. We have it in us to conquer our fears and shoot for the stars. 

You Might Like:

• The 13 Things That ‘Scare’ Highly Sensitive People the Most
• Am I a Highly Sensitive Person — Or Do I Have Anxiety?
• Why Highly Sensitive People Hate Taking Risks (And How to Make It Easier)

The post How to Overcome Your Fears as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Being sensitive comes with its share of challenges. We sensitive types are often perceived as different and misunderstood. We are seen as “weak” or “too” sensitive, and we’re expected to fall in line and be like everyone else. When we aren’t able to, we feel ashamed of who we are and get tired of trying to get other people to understand our point of view. We may even start to question who we are — and hide our sensitivity rather than taking pride in it. 

Personally, I could see that I was “different” as soon as I started school. In class, I was happy because I got to learn and think about new things. I was also comfortable with literary extracurriculars, and I enjoyed being on stage provided I had enough time to prepare. But when it was time to interact with others or go outside to play, the sensitive side of me was visible. While my friends got dirty and sweaty playing basketball, I sat under a large Peepal tree thinking and smiling at the words in my pocket-sized dictionary. While they hung out in groups gossiping, I chose to only engage with people one-on-one or be by myself writing poems about injustice and inequality. When I was forced to go for a picnic with my peers, I couldn’t wait to leave. I didn’t eat the cake and chocolates because they were “too sticky” and pizza and burgers because, well, I just hadn’t tasted cheese before.

Eventually people started saying things like “why are you so serious?” and “why do you hate fun?” and “you’re such a nerd!” Their words made me think that my uniqueness — and my sensitivity — was a problem to be ashamed of. I started to dislike myself. I became self-critical, thinking, “Why can’t I just be like everyone else?” But I didn’t find the answer to my question for many years. So, I chose to hide those parts of myself that were different.

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Does Suffering Have a Greater Purpose?

When I grew up, I learned that I was a highly sensitive person (HSP), and I began to notice some interesting patterns. My love of deep thinking might be unusual, but it meant I could sit with my thoughts and develop my creative ideas. Similarly, my comfort with isolation meant I could thrive as an artist working on my own time. And being fascinated by words meant that I could take joy in the work I produced. It seemed to me that as a highly sensitive person, I was just the right make and model to be a writer. 

I also began to think that feeling misunderstood and unaccepted as an HSP meant I could empathize with others who are excluded and pushed to the fringes of their own communities. Writing about hurt and healing with a bank of lived experiences to draw from meant that my work could be that much more impactful.

(Wondering if you’re an HSP? Take the test or read about the signs you’re a highly sensitive person.) 

Thinking this way about the deeper purpose behind my sensitivity — and why I felt rejection — helped alleviate my dissatisfaction with myself. It even helped me take joy in who I was and what I had lived through. Giving meaning to my situation helped ease the angst I felt over being different from the majority.  And more than that, it helped me embrace myself as an HSP.

The Science Behind Making Meaning

In Man’s Search for Meaning, psychiatrist Viktor Frankl explained that finding purpose in pain can alleviate suffering. Frankl spoke from experience, having been imprisoned and tortured in Nazi concentration camps during the Holocaust. He observed that some people in the camp gave up on life while others pushed through their struggles. Those who gave up, Frankl said, were those who had concluded that there was no point or meaning to life or their suffering. While those who pushed through were the people who found an answer to the question why? Frankl goes on to write “If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be meaning in suffering.” 

To illustrate his point, Frankl writes about a day when he was in excruciating pain from the frost during a cold, arduous walk to a work site. He felt dejected and disgusted by what he and his fellows’ existence had become. But then he made a choice to look for meaning. “Suddenly, I saw myself standing on the platform of a well-lit, warm and pleasant lecture room… I was giving a lecture on the psychology of the concentration camp! All that oppressed me at that moment became objective, seen and described from that remote viewpoint of science. By this method, I succeeded somehow in rising above the situation, above the suffering of the moment, and I observed them as if they were already of the past.” Frankl saw purpose in his suffering in the concentration camp. He began thinking of his time there as food for scientific inquiry. He survived the Holocaust, was released from camp, and went on to found a school of psychotherapy called logotherapy which helps people find meaning, including meaning in suffering. Elsewhere in the book, Frankl says, “in some way, suffering ceases to be suffering the moment it finds a meaning.”

Recent research also corroborates that giving meaning to our life and experiences, including our suffering, improves our quality of life. A 2020 study got over a thousand people to reflect on and write about a time when they suffered. They were also asked to write whether they felt there was meaning in their suffering and rate their satisfaction with life. The results showed that people who felt that there was a purpose in their suffering were generally more satisfied with life.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

What is the ‘Purpose’ of Suffering?

People often search for one answer that objectively and categorically explains why we suffer as humans. However, there may not be a single absolute reason. Instead, I think of suffering like abstract art: the meaning is made in the mind of the beholder. Often, I look at a piece of art and find that it makes little sense whatsoever. But then I push myself to think about its message, and invariably come up with potential ways to interpret it. Occasionally, the meaning I attribute to the piece moves me to tears. In the case of our struggles, what helps is to find a meaning that supports you and makes sense to you at that moment.

For example, the explanation I gave earlier as to why I was born a sensitive person — that my sensitivity helps me to be a writer —  is only one potential reason. And it is hardly an objective one. Yet, it is an explanation that I liked, resonated with and accepted for myself. It’s an explanation that made my experience worth my while. Because it works for and encourages me, I decided to embrace it as the purpose of my experience. In this way, meaning-making is our individual freedom and responsibility.

Because there is no universal reason for suffering, people will come up with their own answers — and even different inferences for the same experience. In fact, if one person considers the same event from different points in time, they might draw completely opposite inferences from the ones they drew earlier. Frankl writes, “The meaning of life differ(s) from man to man, and moment to moment. [I]t is impossible to define the meaning of life in a general way.” This applies to meaning in suffering as well. But it is very possible — and empowering — to decide on a meaning that we give to our suffering in the moment. 

Frankl’s own purpose in suffering — that he would later give lectures on the psychology of concentration camps — may not have had the same soothing effect on another person in the camp. This was a purpose Frankl gave himself, and it only made sense to Frankl, but that was all that was needed.

How to Give Yourself Meaning — and Heal Your Own Suffering

Most of us will never go through anything like what Frankl and other Holocaust survivors experienced. But everyone faces suffering in some form, and as sensitive people, we may feel our suffering and that of others even more keenly than other people do. Perhaps even the fact that you are sensitive has brought you suffering. Maybe it only ever led to misunderstanding, exclusion or hurt. Maybe your empathy was taken for granted and abused. And, as with so many HSPs, perhaps your tussle with the world might have been so intense that you have begun to lose hope. 

If so, giving it meaning could help.

I invite you, if you haven’t already, to give meaning to your own HSP identity and experiences. Think up a positive reason why being an HSP serves you even if it’s subjective and only makes sense to you.

When you do, perhaps you, too will see yourself standing somewhere warm and pleasant, doing what brings joy to you, the world, or the people you love. And if so — if you can visualize and embrace that purpose — perhaps you, like Frankl, will go on to make it a reality. 

You Might Like:

• How to (Actually) Find Your Purpose as a Highly Sensitive Person
• 4 Critical Things That Helped Me Finally Get Some Peace in Life as an HSP
• HSPs, Are You an Orchid, a Dandelion, or a Tulip?

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Why Sensitive People Search for Meaning in Suffering appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

A few years back, I was angry with everyone who didn’t accept me for being true to myself. Recognizing that it was costing myself my peace, I decided to speak to someone about it. My confidant said, “You have to forgive.” 

Only after going home did I realize that I had no idea what it meant to forgive. I read up about it and asked people. Most sources said it was about letting go of resentment. This definition made sense and was exactly what I needed to hear.

But when I sat down to do it, I experienced a new dilemma: My anger was justified, for the people I was angry with had hurt me. So, how exactly was I supposed to let go?

As highly sensitive people (HSPs), our talents, interests, and dislikes are shaped by what our nervous systems can handle. We tend to avoid things that are overstimulating. And what we do enjoy might not be considered “good” by those around us. 

So then we feel unaccepted, and some of us may be ridiculed and bullied for being ourselves. This deeply affects us, and we may internalize the rejection, along with people’s hurtful comments and actions. In response, we might feel angry or resentful. 

However, as sensitive people, we want to be kind and understanding, and the anger makes us feel worse about ourselves. We might also notice that it occupies our thoughts, affects our relationships, and causes us stress and physical discomfort. In fact, much research has pointed to the harmful impact stress can have on us.

So… we may see the need to forgive those who hurt us. But forgiveness can feel like a big, abstract word that’s difficult to understand and even harder to translate into action. In this article, we’ll explore what forgiveness is — and how we can forgive as HSPs.

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What It Really Means to Forgive Someone

When I couldn’t figure out how to forgive on my own, I reached out to a friend. She suggested I try an exercise that helped her: “Write down all the things the person you want to forgive did to you. Then pray, commit to forgiving, say ‘I forgive’ and tear the paper into pieces.” 

I tried this. It was rewarding listing all their faults and fun tearing up the paper. And once I had finished, I happily thought, “Yes! I’ve forgiven.” 

But… 

A few weeks later, I saw one of the people who had hurt me and felt resentful once more. Had I really let go and forgiven them?

Years went by before I saw that person again. But this time, I was not angry. I knew I had truly forgiven and wondered just how I managed to get there. Apart from the time that had passed, and the distance between us, the only other major change in my life was that I had healed from the effects of their hurtful words and behavior. I had received counseling, processed my thoughts, and rebuilt my self-esteem. I had also learned to embrace my identity as an HSP. I made no other special effort to forgive during this time. For me, forgiveness was a delightful corollary to healing.

Forgiveness is letting go of anger, but it’s also so much more. It’s a journey through which we get to a state where we feel unperturbed even when we see (or remember) the people and circumstances that hurt us. We are no longer triggered by them, and encountering a similar scenario does not break our self-confidence or cause us to react disproportionately. We can only reach this state of forgiveness if we heal.

In the book Forgiveness is a Choice, Dr. Robert D. Enright says, “Anger is the symptom, but injustice is the cause. The forgiveness process takes care of the symptoms by addressing the cause.” In other words, the process by which we acknowledge, deal with, and recover from the cause of our pain is what I understand as healing. 

So, after struggling with forgiveness for years, I now understand it as the state of peace that we come into when we heal from our pain.

Now, let’s look at specifics regarding what forgiveness is not.

5 Things Forgiveness Is Not:

1. Condoning bad behavior

After listening to a woman talk about how she recovered from trauma and rediscovered herself, I asked her what she thought about forgiveness. She shook her head as she answered, “Forgiveness is accepting their behavior as ‘okay’. And I will never do that!” 

One of the most common misconstructions is that forgiving means excusing bad behavior. If that’s what forgiveness is, I’m not sure any of us would — or should — forgive. Thankfully, it’s not. We can forgive a person while still condemning their behavior as unacceptable.

2. Forgetting

You might have heard the common saying “Forgive and forget.” But do we have to forget to forgive? 

As we forgive, we might find that we don’t think about the people who hurt us, or what they did, as much as we did before. However, we might not “forget” what happened, nor do we have to. 

You see, our memories are there to guide us as we interact with the world. It’s helpful to retain old memories — including the negative ones — as they inform us about what to do when we meet similar scenarios in the future. Our experiences also help us empathize with others experiencing difficult situations. So we can forgive without forgetting.

3. Pretending it didn’t happen

Another suggestion is to “carry on like nothing happened.” This may not be healthy either. 

When we are hurt, we experience the negative consequences of that encounter. We might feel confused and invalidate ourselves if we try to pretend as if it didn’t happen at all or that we were not affected by it. 

Further, not addressing our hurt can lead to repressed emotions. This can then cause these emotions to come up when we don’t expect them to, Or, they can manifest as chronic stress, which causes physical and psychological disease. Hence, it’s better to acknowledge what happened and go through the process of healing and forgiving.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Fixing the relationship

Forgiving people who hurt us doesn’t mean trying to reconcile with them. That may not always be safe. They might hurt us again. 

While we don’t need to give up on them, it helps to acknowledge that it takes a lot of work to heal and change. And the people who hurt us may not have done the work. It’s best to forgive, while maintaining our boundaries and staying safe.

5. Being dependant upon an apology

Finally, forgiveness need not depend on an apology. (I know — it’s not fair!)

In sixth grade, one of my classmates complained to the teacher that someone teased her. After hearing both sides of the story, the teacher asked the child who had done the teasing to apologize. Grudgingly, she said, “I’m sorry.” The teacher then asked the child who complained to forgive her classmate. She went on to tell the whole class that it’s not okay to tease people, and how, if we do something hurtful, we should say “I’m sorry.” And that if our offenders apologize, we should forgive them. 

While this is ideal, few people ever apologize. If forgiveness depended on apologies, most of us would never forgive others. We don’t have to wait for an apology, however. In fact, forgiveness could include letting go of the expectation that the person who hurt us will apologize.

So, How Do You Forgive Someone?

There are several processes that help people forgive. These include the REACH model — Recall the hurt; Empathize (with the person); Altruistic gift; Commit; and Hold onto forgiveness — as well as the Enright Process Model of Forgiveness. Here is the process that I went through as I healed — and, consequently, forgave.

1. Build intentional boundaries

It’s very difficult to forgive when the trauma is ongoing. It’s easier when there is distance between us and our offenders, and when we are in a safe place. For this, we might have to make hard choices and draw clear lines that others are not allowed to cross. In other words, we may need to leave toxic situations.

The boundaries we build might be physical. For instance, we might have to move away from a toxic environment. Boundaries may also take other forms, especially when the trauma is recurrent or chronic. For example, a topic of conversation that causes a lot of pain within a family can be off-limits when its members come together. Creating, and maintaining, boundaries while forgiving ensures that we are not hurt further.

2. Invest in your own healing

We have to heal from our emotional triggers and wounds before we can truly forgive the ones who caused them. Healing is often a long and arduous process, with many layers of hurt to deal with. We will have to be patient with ourselves, too, and invest time into the process. 

Further, it may not always be possible to heal by ourselves. We can invest in our healing by reading about it, plugging into communities that are working on recovery, and reaching out to professionals. For instance, this is where working with a therapist can be important.

3. Rebuild yourself

As sensitive people, the things that people say and do can affect us considerably. We might even begin to believe the negative comments people make about us or doubt our worth because of how we’ve been treated. 

Therefore, it helps to question the validity of the negative beliefs that we hold about ourselves. For me, understanding that I am highly sensitive and embracing my nature helped a lot. When we rediscover and reclaim who we are, the people and things that hurt us begin to fade into insignificance. 

4. Acknowledge human limitations

It’s in an HSP’s nature to try to understand why people hurt us. Sometimes we find that they do so without meaning to. But what really bothers us are deliberate acts of not being nice. It’s hard to forgive people under these circumstances. We might also wonder why people who know they have hurt us don’t acknowledge what they have done or apologize. 

It might help to remember that humans are imperfect. We do bad things sometimes. And we don’t always have the courage or self-confidence to right the wrong. Learning to accept that the people who hurt us are imperfect makes it easier to let go of the expectation that they will apologize. Acknowledging that they are humans allows us to be compassionate and forgiving.

5. Forgive yourself, too

Finally, when we are angry, the thoughts and intentions we have toward others might be negative and can shock us. As HSPs, we might feel bad for thinking like this. At this point, it helps to remember that our anger was not without cause — we were hurt and we had the right to be angry. It was in forgiving that we let go of our desire to extract vengeance. 

It also helps to understand that we, too, are imperfect humans. Remembering that, we can have self-compassion and forgive ourselves for how we’ve acted, thought, and felt in our anger.

Why Do the Hard Work of Forgiving Others?

As highly sensitive people, we are often bullied, sensitive to passive-aggression, and told to be “less-sensitive.” Our anger may be justified, so we might wonder why we should do the hard work of forgiving.

From personal experience, I have learned that forgiveness can be life-changing. Further, research shows that, with forgiveness, comes happiness, peace, sound sleep, better relationships, reduced stress, and improved mental and physical health.

In essence, forgiveness helps us bring out the best in ourselves and to remember the best in others. Although it may take time, internal strength, and lots of compassion, it’s well worth the effort because, in the long run, it benefits us more than we may realize.

You might like:

• Why It’s So Hard for HSPs to Let Go
• Trauma Hits Differently When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person. Here’s Why (and What to Do About It)
• These 8 Things Bring Peace to Highly Sensitive People

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post HSPs, Here’s How to Forgive the People Who Hurt You — And Why It Will Change Your Life appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

One afternoon on a school holiday, I locked myself in the bathroom to cry over something my brother had said. A few minutes later, I heard a knock.

I washed my face as fast as I could, refusing to look in the mirror. I opened the door and saw a large scoop of yogurt on the floor. It looked odd, but I knew it was just a prank my brother had pulled. My mom saw it and asked my brother to clean it up.

Out of the stack of clean, folded laundry, he pulled out my favorite skirt, a grey pencil cut one. My brother dropped it, put his foot on it, and mopped up the yogurt.

Indignant, I locked myself in the bathroom again.

My mom must have scolded him, because when I had finished crying and came out, my brother said, “Can’t you take a joke? Tell Mommy not to yell at me. This is just for fun, right?”

I stomped up to my mom and said, “Don’t get in the middle of our fight. It was just for fun.” 

Did I really think it was fun? No. Was I happy my mom scolded him? Oh, yeah! So why did I take his side? 

Because, as a highly sensitive person (HSP), I was convinced that I was the problem. That there was something “wrong” with me. I was the one who couldn’t handle a joke… Right?

Wrong.

Why Do HSPs Think They Are the Problem?

As highly sensitive people, we are connoisseurs of conversation. We are fluent in reading body language, hear what’s said through silences and vocal variety, and know the secret art of reading between the lines. We rarely ever stop at the surface of what is said. 

Instead, we ponder over it until we feel satisfied that we have understood the intended meaning. This makes us really good at knowing when something is wrong. We pick up on passive-aggressive behavior and judgment directed toward us. And we have the uncanny ability to tell when someone doesn’t like us.

But not being liked upsets us. From experience, we may know that if we call out the hostility, people might either deny it or say that they are hurt by what we are insinuating. Some of them may say they feel misunderstood. Others might just get angry. This causes us to second-guess ourselves and assume we need to be “fixed.” (We don’t.)

Now, people (particularly those non-HSPS who love us), on noticing that we get upset quickly, might encourage us not to read too much into things, not to take people’s words and actions too seriously, or, my favorite, “not be so sensitive.”

This is very difficult for us because, as HSPs, being this way is what comes naturally. It’s not something we choose to do, but a natural part of who we are. So we continue to be sensitive, observant, and overly aware of stimuli around us. We perceive all the cues, ruminate on things, and feel the full weight of our emotions. 

But we keep this all to ourselves, thinking we are the problem. We cry in the bathroom, refuse to look in the mirror, and put on masks when we come out. As Carl Jung said in The Archetypes and the Collective Unconsciousness, “…The mirror does not flatter, it faithfully shows whatever looks into it; namely, the face we never show to the world because we cover it with the persona, the mask of the actor. But the mirror lies behind the mask and shows the true face.”

We are also careful not to step on anyone’s toes or make a situation worse. We do whatever we need to do for said interaction to be over, which sometimes includes siding with those who hurt us. We might even begin to mimic hurtful behavior, even if we dislike it, because we think that’s what we are supposed to do to be accepted.

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Are HSPs Really the Problem?

Our sensitivity to words and actions can be an inconvenience to others. They may feel that they have to be extra careful about what they say and do so that they don’t hurt us. But is that a bad thing? Perhaps that’s how we, and the people we interact with, learn what is okay — and what is not.

From the time we’re children, we all test boundaries. Our parents say, “Don’t put that in your mouth.” But we want nothing more than the taste of that handful of dirt. When we learn that it tastes disgusting, or that our moms will poke their fingers in our mouths trying to fish out what we’ve eaten, we don’t do it again. 

As we get older, we continue to test boundaries. When we were kids, our parents would have taught us where the lines were. When we’re adults, we need to learn from each other. Saying that something hurts us is setting a boundary which can help other people learn and grow, as well. However, because we HSPs are such people-pleasers, setting boundaries is challenging for us, yet it’s crucial that we do so.

When I was in college, I met a guy who was kind, funny, and intelligent. I liked spending time with him and wanted to be his friend. So I started to play pranks on him and tease him. He didn’t say anything. I assumed it was okay and that we were building a friendship.

A few months later, after I had bullied him a bit, one of my classmates whispered, “Ann, why are you so mean to him?”

“I am just pulling his leg — we’re friends. I’m sure he likes it,” I said.

“Did he say that?” she asked. “I don’t think anyone really likes being teased.”

Her words sent me on an introspective journey. I began to see that the mask of behavior I put on as a child, so that I felt accepted, was not actually serving me or anyone else in adulthood. I never liked being the object of derision. But I had concluded that other people must like it, that I was the only one who didn’t know how to take it. Playing pranks is a way of showing love, right?

But my classmate’s words confronted those beliefs, and I began to look inward and go back and embrace who I truly was inside: Sensitive. 

As HSPs, we are naturally able to pick up on aggression. It’s a good idea to trust our gut and pay heed to what we are feeling while interacting with others. Our intuition, in this sense, is like Superman’s X-ray vision. We feel the malice beyond the facades of social interaction.

Thinking of this as a superpower reminds me of our possible responsibility. It’s not easy to do, but if we speak up about what we see, we can call out and challenge injustice. We can help people grow while also setting our own boundaries. If we simultaneously demonstrate empathy, care, and love, we can show the world how to become a kinder place.

6 Ways to Speak Up for Yourself as an HSP

As I mentioned before, many people get angry and defensive when we point out that something they are doing is not right. As a result, we feel they may say or do something that would hurt us more. We might also feel that we will lose their approval. Because of this, verbal communication can be difficult for HSPs and we may hesitate to speak up — even when we know we should.

Here are six things that helped me to go from crying in my bathroom to being vocal about what offends me. Hopefully, you’ll be able to relate.

1. Embrace your sensitivity for all its wonderful traits.

All HSPs feel the conflict between who we are on the inside and who we think the world wants us to be. To protect ourselves, and to be socially accepted, we wear those masks (or personas, as Carl Jung called it) that are closer to what the world expects. So our sensitivity gets hidden away. 

But, as I mentioned before, high sensitivity has its role in the community. The world needs the people we are inside. But we cannot show up as we are, or drop our masks, until we first embrace our sensitive nature and all the beautiful characteristics that come with it, from our empathy to noticing little things to countless others. 

2. Learn to be okay with not being liked.

Because of our sensitivity, we find it difficult to live in the knowledge that we are disliked by anybody. But, no matter how hard we try, there will always be some people who aren’t fond of us. And that’s okay. 

After all, we don’t like everybody either, do we? I now finally understand, after many years of fighting it, that wanting everyone’s approval is an unachievable pipe dream. I settled for the love of family, friends, and, as we’ll see in the next point, myself.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Watch the self-talk — be just as proud of yourself as you are of others. 

Research has found that ust as we want the world to accept us, we also want to like, and have reason, to be proud of ourselves. To give appreciation and approval to ourselves can be easy. When I speak up or do something courageous, for example, I literally pat myself on the back or do a dorky dance. Then, I allow myself to think, “Yay! I did something great!” (If this does not come as easily to you, practice!)

On the other hand, negative thoughts that depreciate our value, or dehumanize us, can make us feel really bad. It’s like we are disapproving of ourselves. Stopping the negative self-talk is easier said than done, however. I needed to work with a professional to help me with this, and it was a slow and methodical process. (In fact, I’m still working on it.) So seek out a therapist’s help if you could use some guidance in this area, too.

4. Keep in mind that it’s important to clean the wound, so to speak.

When we speak up, we might make the people who hurt us feel bad. As HSPs, we find this unpleasant, because we don’t like causing pain any more than we like feeling it. 

This was another reason why I didn’t speak up for so long. But, over time, I began thinking of it like cleaning wounds. It’s painful, but it’s also very important for the person with the wound. If it’s not cleaned, it might never heal. (And childhood wounds can take a while to heal if we have let them fester for so long!)

I’m sure it is unpleasant for people to hear someone else say that what they’re doing to us is not nice. But I think when the defenses come down, maybe when they’re reflecting about it on their own, they might see the value in our feedback.

5. Watch other people speak up and learn from them.

Reading people’s work, hearing about what they have done, and watching powerful stories in nonfiction videos have all inspired me to speak up. I often get scared and back away from telling the truth. (In fact, I almost didn’t submit this article!) 

But when I see the courage that the people who have changed my life have demonstrated by communicating their thoughts, I feel the urge to join them. This brings me to the last point…

6. Learn how to tell the truth without escalating the situation.

By carefully observing different people tell their stories and speak against injustice, I learned that some ways of telling the truth worsen the situation whereas others do not. The people whom I admire never use violence to make their point, for instance. They are also mindful that their word choices are poignant, but not malicious. HSPs are the activists we need, and we can inspire others by always letting the truth guide the way.

Though it may seem like we are the problem, and that our sensitivity is the problem, the truth is, we don’t live in a world that is always kind. Instead, boundaries are breached, children are teased, and people are hurt in the process. Our emotional sensitivity may be the radar that helps spot that unkindness, and our words and actions can help transform it into love and be an example for others. 

You might like:

• Sensitive People Don’t Need To Be Fixed. Society Does.
• Why Highly Sensitive People Tend to Be People-Pleasers — and How to Stop
• HSPs, Can You Have ‘Too Much’ Empathy? (And How to Fix It)

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post HSPs, You Are Not the Problem — Society Is. But Here’s What to Do About It appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I was born and raised in India, and following the summer after 7^th grade, cousin after cousin got married. And, every time, my family and I would travel 14 hours by train to get to our hometown, where all the wedding events would take place. Each wedding and the receptions (yes, plural) would draw around 2500 people (on average). 

Music would bellow out through loudspeakers. Aunties (who were not always your actual aunts, but older women you’d address this way as a form of respect) would move around the hall, airing their stuffy silk sarees in all colors of the rainbow. 

Thousands of scents — both perfumes and flowers — would merge into an erratic ensemble.

And, every few minutes, someone I didn’t know would hold my hand, saying in Tamil with a nasal accent, “Daughter! How you’ve grown!” or “Do you remember me? Tell me who I am.”

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), were you cringing with overwhelm just reading that? (I was as I recollected it!) 

My Collectivist Culture (Inadvertently) Introduced Me to My Sensitivity

Yet, it’s in the madness of these family events where I learned to embrace my sensitivity. In the family, there were a few uncles, aunts, and cousins who were highly sensitive, as well. They would either sit next to each other in silence or, when they needed to, stand or walk outside for some much-needed alone time.

Most of the time, they would not be disturbed, because the more extroverted members of the family took it upon themselves to entertain guests. It was an unspoken understanding that the sensitive relatives needed space and calm, which everyone else seemed fine with.

Collectivist cultures like mine can be the best — and worst — places for highly sensitive people to be part of. Collectivist cultures are those in which the communities that people create, and are a part of, are central (and crucial) to the lives of individuals. These communities form our support systems and contribute to our identity. 

The most important unit in collectivism is the family, the center of life and celebration. It includes first-degree relatives, as well as extended family members, like grandparents, uncles, aunts, in-laws, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. 

There is considerable variation across collectivist traditions. So, while I cannot speak for them all, I can explain how my culture was both good, and bad, for me. Here are four beautiful things that I experienced growing up in a collectivistic tradition.

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4 Benefits of Growing Up in a Collectivist Culture as an HSP 

1. Diversity in personality traits is accepted.

We don’t get to choose the family we are born or adopted into, which means we’re stuck with people with different personality traits. If families expect uniformity, they would be disappointed and see significant conflict and strain within. This would threaten the integrity of the collective. 

But, because our families are so important to us, and because it’s necessary to maintain peace, it’s understood in collectivist cultures that we need to accept — and take care of — people with different traits, including high sensitivity. We each play a different role in our family, and it’s accepted. 

2. Highly sensitive people are highly valued.

As HSPs, we are hard-wired to nurture and build deep relationships. Because of our intuition and empathy, we’re often the first ones to notice when someone seems unhappy or distressed. We’re also most likely to reach out, listen to, and soothe those in pain. 

These qualities are the bedrock on which collectivism is built. Our families are our communities, and they are all about looking out for one another and being present — it’s like community care — through both the good and bad. For this reason, the characteristics of highly sensitive people — like empathy, intuitiveness, and deeply caring for others — are esteemed in collectivist cultures, and people who exhibit these traits are valued.

3.  There are others — you are not alone — and they will look out for you.

Our families are rarely small — if we don’t have half a dozen siblings, we make it a point to be closely knit with our cousins and second cousins. When we’re large in numbers, chances are that there are others in the family who are like us — meaning, sensitive, too. My family has a few highly sensitive people who lead by example.

For example, at weddings and receptions, my uncles or cousins would walk over to me and invite me to take a walk outside every hour or so. Away from the crowds, we’d stare at the night sky — in silence. They knew I needed a break and taught me that it was okay to take it. 

Likewise, when I’d go through challenging situations, like a career change or stress around school exams, one of my HSP cousins took the time to write letters to me and speak words of encouragement. She guessed what I was experiencing and wrote to me even before I mentioned that I was struggling. 

These people knew I needed them and I’m so grateful that they were looking out for me.    

4. You can share burdens with others — they’ll always have your back.

Highly sensitive people are prone to stress and burnout — we get anxious and worked up really quickly. And because we feel these emotions so deeply, the burden can become too much to bear. 

In collectivist traditions, there is no need to bear the burden alone. Our families pitch in the moment they know we need them and help relieve anxiety. Most of the time, their care alone is sufficient and we don’t need to reach out to anyone else for help. 

Our weddings, for example, are huge affairs (as I mentioned earlier). If they had to be organized by the bride and groom alone, it would get overwhelming. But when the family works together, pitching in money, manpower, and ideas, it doesn’t seem as engulfing.

But, all this said, this is not to say that collectivist cultures don’t have their flaws. Below are a few reasons why I found being an HSP in a collectivist culture difficult and challenging at times.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5 Challenges of Growing Up in a Collectivist Culture as an HSP

1. There’s a high risk of sensory overload.

The Indian wedding I described earlier is just one example of the extravagance of our events. And, every time we gather (not just for weddings!), it’s usually loud, colorful, and taxing. Plus, we are expected to show up for everything and everyone in the family. 

The sheer number of stimuli and people we are exposed to, and interact with, could easily lead anyone to sensory overload and fatigue — and put our highly sensitive souls into overdrive. Being an HSP in such a tradition can be intense. (That’s probably an understatement!)

2. It’s not always easy to draw boundaries with family members.

People within collectivist traditions grow very attached to, and dependent upon, their families. The attachment can run so deep that the line between ourselves and our family gets blurred. So, it goes without saying that the concept of boundaries is not very clear. 

This means that we’ll receive unsolicited advice and comments about the way we do things, and there will also be overpowering reluctance in letting us go to do our own thing — like be independent.

For instance, many parents in my culture cannot imagine, let alone “allow,” their adult children to live or study in a different state or country from them. For an HSP, drawing boundaries is very important. However, if we try to maintain them, our families might take offense.

3. Your creativity may be curbed and you could easily fall into people-pleasing behavior.

In collectivist cultures, parents and elders of the family have a huge say on the lives of the younger family members. Big decisions — such as career choices, who we marry, and where we live — have to be family-approved. And, sometimes, these choices are made for us. As a result, our autonomy may be curtailed. 

In addition to this, many families are averse to what is unfamiliar. They fear uncertainty, doubt their childrens’ capabilities, and worry for their kids’ safety. This can significantly curb creativity and curiosity. 

As an HSP growing up in such an atmosphere, I was afraid that I would displease everyone if I pursued writing instead of medicine, which was my family’s dream for me. So, I fell into people-pleasing behavior and studied medicine. (Eventually, however, I quit to follow my passion for writing. But that’s a whole other essay!)

4. You might be misunderstood.

All families in collectivist traditions are not the same. Each one is like a little village with its own values, beliefs, customs, and administrative style. So, although my family was accepting of high sensitivity because there were many of us, others may not feel the same way. 

My husband, for example, was often told by members of his family not to be so sensitive. (For men, being highly sensitive is different.) An HSP may also be misunderstood by new members of the family who enter in by marriage. I’ve heard an aunt tell off my HSP cousin — her niece — for being her sensitive self. Likewise, HSPs might be misunderstood (or bullied) outside of their family in places where they study, work, or live… all due to their sensitive natures.

5. If, for any reason, you are cast out of the family, it can have devastating effects.

In collectivism, the emphasis is on cooperation and interdependence. However, this does not extend to the people outside of the family or community. Instead, we are taught to be wary of the world and depend only on family for our needs. This means that if, for any reason, we get cast out or distanced from the family, we would find ourselves ill-equipped for life in the world. 

When we’re cut off from family, we would lose more than our support system: We would lose the people whose love and approval we have always desired. (The people-pleaser within us would be a wreck.) We would also find ourselves alone facing the fears that our communities have of the exterior world. 

All of this can have devastating effects on our mental health, too. Having depended on family all our lives, we might find ourselves lacking confidence or experiencing low self-worth and rejection issues. 

The most common reason for being cast out of the family is marrying someone that the family does not approve of. Other reasons include pursuing a career that is different from the family’s desire for the individual; subscribing to new value system (or religious views); property disputes; loss of family; migration; or sexual orientation and gender transition. Friends and family members that I am acquainted with who have swam against the tide have experienced considerable backlash (and sometimes abuse) for their choices. Some of them were no longer considered part of their families either.

It’s Important to Learn to Navigate Collectivist Cultures… as Long as You Don’t Lose Yourself in the Process

As you can see, being in a collectivist culture can have both challenges and benefits. My experiences within my larger family have been predominantly good (except when I chose to switch careers — which, again, is another story!). What helped me during this time, though, was to persist in having honest conversations with my family, plugging into communities with highly sensitive people outside of my family, and working with professionals to learn how to draw healthy boundaries. That way, I was able to rediscover my individuality and build my self-confidence. 

It’s really easy to antagonize, or for that matter exalt, collectivist cultures. But I learned that it’s more important to learn to navigate them — without losing ourselves in the process, of course.

Acknowledgements: I’d like to thank my mother and mother-in-law for helping me with this article.

You might like:

• Why ‘Community Care’ Is Just as Important for HSPs as Self-Care
• What to Do When Your Highly Sensitive Soul Is in Overdrive
• These Are the Roles HSPs End Up Playing in Their Families — And How to Change Them

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Collectivist Cultures Are the Best — And Worst — Place for HSPs appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I sat in a room filled with exotic, handcrafted artwork from countries across the globe. There were several people in my friend’s house that day, but I didn’t know most of them and decided to sit in silence, staring at each piece on her wall.

My friend walked to me with a plate of food and asked if I would like some. I explained that I cannot eat it because chili peppers, which were an obvious ingredient, gave me terrible migraines.

Even as the words were leaving my lips, I thought of how insignificant my migraine was in comparison to the disease that she had just conquered — cancer. I don’t know for sure if she judged me, but I definitely judged myself. I felt that in the presence of her storm, my problem was a gentle breeze. 

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), this feeling resonated particularly strongly with me. We’re known to be empathic, and I certainly was — more than usual — at that point. I also felt dumb for mentioning something as seemingly insignificant as chili peppers.

Why We Compare Our Suffering to Other People’s

Comparing our burdens is something a lot of people do — and the habit of making such assessments might have the best of intentions. For example, when you were a child growing up and didn’t want to finish all the food on your plate, your parents may have told you to think about all the children starving in Africa — so how dare you waste food. Chances are, your parents had your well-being in mind. 

Other times, people hope that if we compare suffering, we would feel grateful — our attitude toward our situation could change and perhaps we’ll feel better: Things aren’t that bad after all. Ever heard someone say, “Be grateful it wasn’t worse”? When we grow up comparing our ills this way, we begin to do it as adults, too. 

However, irrespective of how well-intended the act of comparing suffering is, there are several detrimental aspects to it, especially for HSPs. Plus, we may be more prone to do it. But here are six reasons why comparing suffering is not necessarily a good thing for us to do.

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6 Reasons Not to Compare Suffering as an HSP 

1. Everyone’s experience is different — so it’s truly not possible to compare fairly.

Research shows us that there is considerable variation in the way stressors, whether physical or psychological, affect different people. So, the same circumstance could build one person up while completely shattering the other. Think of deadlines, for example. Some people thrive and perform their very best when they are under deadlines. Many highly sensitive people, however, find deadlines difficult, even crippling. (Time anxiety is real!)

The differences in the way we respond to similar situations are due to multiple factors. Some of these factors depend on how we are built, such as the neurochemicals and hormones acting in our body, the way our nervous systems respond, how our brains process information, and our genetics. And other factors are dependent on how we were raised. These can include our exposure to trauma as a child, the social support that was available to us, the coping strategies we used, as well as our sense of control. All of these interacted with each other and made us into the way we are today.

As you can imagine, there are so many permutations and combinations of these that are possible, allowing for significant individual variation in the way we go through distress. Each person’s experience of hardship is unique, as is each person’s reaction to it. Because of this individuality, we cannot fairly compare any two people’s suffering. Plus, as highly sensitive people, we may react more strongly to suffering than someone who’s less sensitive, which also makes comparing not viable. Which brings me to my next point…

2. The HSP experience is different from the non-HSP experience.

In addition to these individual differences, we also know that the nervous system of a highly sensitive person works differently from that of a person who is not highly sensitive. Functional magnetic resonance imaging (FMRI) has allowed us to see this clearly. The regions of the brain that process sensory information — and those that make us aware, empathetic, and ready to take action — light up brighter, and more often, among people who scored high on the HSP scale as opposed to those whose HSP scores were low. 

To this end, it’s a fact that highly sensitive people feel things more deeply than others. The intensity of sensation, and emotion, that we contend with during an ordeal — that non-HSP people may consider to be more trivial — could very well match the intensity that they perceive when going through an event they consider devastating. So this is yet another reason why it’s best that we don’t compare ourselves with others.  

3. You cannot truly judge, or understand, what other people have endured.

It’s no secret that highly sensitive people are very intuitive when it comes to other people’s needs. We are empathetic and feel their pain as though we’d experienced it in our bodies (and minds), as well. 

I remember when I worked as a doctor and had to clean wounds. The patients who had these wounds were used to getting them dressed, and many of their sores no longer had functioning nerve endings. They may have winced once in a while, but apart from that, they didn’t seem to feel much pain. I, however, couldn’t stop imagining the gashes on my body, the part of me that corresponded to where their wound was gnawed. In response, I also felt a tightness in my chest and a profound agony in my mind. 

These instances tell me that sometimes as highly sensitive people, we use our vivid imaginations and innate empathy to attribute more pain to people than they might actually be sensing. It’s likely that when we compare suffering, we take this imagined pain into consideration rather than what is real.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. You tend to be hyper-critical of yourself — so comparing can be particularly bad for your psyche.

As highly sensitive people, we are often ridiculously critical of ourselves. We are often perfectionists and set unattainable standards for ourselves. And when we fail to meet them, we beat ourselves up over it. 

We are usually not compassionate toward ourselves. With this attitude, if we compare our difficulties to the challenges others face, we would likely belittle — or completely invalidate — our struggle(s). This is particularly harmful because when we do that, we worsen our self-esteem and may even stop ourselves from seeking help when we need it.

5. Situations may really upset you since emotions hit you harder than others.

I remember how, as a child, I was a very picky eater. Many highly sensitive people are. Someone said to me that phrase I mentioned above, “Think of all the hungry children in Africa.” I wondered why they mentioned Africa, considering that we lived in India, another poverty-stricken region with a large number of malnourished children. And then I asked them how eating my food would help the starving children on another continent. 

Despite those rationalizations, thinking of those kids made me feel terrible. “Look at my problems,” I thought. “I’m complaining about my choice of food. Look at theirs: Death.” 

I don’t remember if I ate all my food, but my mood was low for a few days. Because of our empathetic nature, thinking of another person’s suffering may make us HSPs very emotional.

6. It might make you even more fearful (which will overwhelm you even more).

Sometimes when we think of a worse scenario, that scenario may become one of the things we fear. Recently, my husband and I were flying from our home to my parents’ place. I get physically sick when I travel, so I was sitting there with my head in my hands, worried about potentially vomiting. My husband said, “Ann, don’t worry. It’s a pleasant day. The sky is clear and blue. Imagine if it was raining.” 

So, I did. 

My heart was pounding now, and a sense of dread filled me. “What if it rains on the way?” I thought. “This is going to get really bad.”

My husband had intended to make me feel better as a way to console me, but it had the opposite effect: My HSP brain went into overdrive and now I had something else to worry about, too.

What to Do Instead of Comparing Our Suffering

So, if comparing our suffering to that of others is not good for us, what do we do instead? Here are a few things we can do, both for ourselves and those who speak to us about their problems.  

• Use your HSP empathy to just listen. The HSP way of actively listening to people’s adversity is powerful. We naturally do what many coaches and counselors need to learn formally. Very often, people feel better when they share their burdens with another person. It makes them feel less isolated and actually feel heard. Sometimes, the person sharing might find that the answers they need come to their minds as they are speaking. Just by listening, we help.
• Encourage them — and remind them they’re strong and have overcome challenges before. Everyone needs encouragement. When a person is struggling with something, it helps to remind them of their strength and ability to overcome challenges. This applies to both their current situation, as well as situations they’ve gotten through in the past. 
• Empathize — instead of comparing suffering, tell them you understand (because you probably do). Sometimes, it helps a person who is suffering to know that they are understood. We cannot completely understand what they are going through, but we are masters of empathizing. We can sit with them, sharing their sorrow and providing them with a safe space within which to share their thoughts and feelings with us. For example, one of the doctors that I learned from is a highly sensitive person who works in helping poor people with terminal cancer live (and die) without too much discomfort. I’ve watched her listen to her patients’ problems, hold their hands, and cry unapologetically. Her patients actually love her for it because they know how deeply she cares.

Finally, keep in mind that comparing suffering is commonplace — so, people that we reach out to, even our loved ones, may invite us to engage in it. However, it helps to remember that they don’t necessarily know how comparing affects us. It might be worth our while to extend our compassion to them, as well as let them know how to best help our highly sensitive souls when we are hurt.

You might like:

• HSPs May be More Prone to Comparative Suffering — Here’s Why It’s Problematic
• Science Confirms That Emotions Hit Highly Sensitive People Harder
• What to Do When Your Highly Sensitive Soul Is in Overdrive

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How ‘Comparative Suffering’ Can Hold Back HSPs — And What to Do Instead appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.