One of the remarkable parts of being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is their profound ability to experience empathy. And since HSPs make up nearly 30 percent of the population, that means there are a lot of empathetic people out there.

When the neural activity of HSPs was examined as they viewed images of human emotions ranging from positive, negative, and neutral facial expressions, researchers found heightened brain activity in HSPs across all emotional conditions, whether the image was of a stranger or someone they knew. The activated brain areas were associated with awareness and attention, action planning, and empathy. 

Because HSPs are emotional sponges and empaths by nature, they often are also highly compassionate. Interestingly, though, you can experience one without the other, because empathy and compassion are uniquely different.  

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Empathy vs. Compassion

Empathy precedes compassion, as it is the initial physiological response toward someone else’s pain. When we have empathy for someone, we literally feel what they are feeling — so if they are suffering, we suffer. 

This leads to a deep understanding of the other’s experience, such as “seeing or feeling” another’s pain. Understanding another’s pain is an important step toward being able to show compassion. However, empathy itself does not motivate action or the desire to help. If anything, empathy can lead to negative stress in the body, which is the reason I, as an HSP, may suffer a headache if my husband tells me he has one (more to come on how to protect your empathic energy if this happens to you!).

Compassion, on the other hand, happens when we have sympathy or concern for another’s suffering. While we are aware of what they are going through, we do not necessarily embody their suffering (unless we have already had an empathetic response).  

The brain also responds differently to compassion than it does empathy. Scientists, when mapping compassion in the brain, have found that when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows and our brain secretes the bonding hormone oxytocin, which helps activate pleasure centers in our brain.

So while empathy can cause stress in the body, compassion causes pleasure that inspires action. Studies have found this to be true, as well. The act of “showing” compassion comes from a place of helping. The amazing thing about compassion is that even if you do not have a specific way to change or fix a situation for someone, even wishing the person well and mentally lifting them out of their suffering can have a positive impact on your own stress levels and energy, researchers have found.

How HSPs Can Balance Empathy and Compassion

For sensitive people, the suffering of others and the world at large can feel crushing. As a result, knowing how to handle our empathic response can feel daunting. While empathy helps us connect with another’s experience, it can also be taxing on the mind and body. I say this not only as a therapist, but researchers have found this to be true, as well.

Knowing when you are experiencing empathy fatigue — which some researchers call “compassion fatigue” — can be a helpful step in managing it. The questions below help reflect on this experience. 

• What do I feel in my body? Common empathy responses include tightening in the heart center, tension in the head and back, nausea, or lack of appetite.
• Do I find this sensation tolerable? Keep in mind that even moderate stress in the body over a long period of time has a compounding effect on well-being, studies have shown.
• Am I able to change or control what is happening to this person or group? Feeling stuck and unable to change the suffering of another is a major component to empathy fatigue.

If you answer “no” to questions 2 or 3 above, meaning the sensation is not tolerable and/or you are unable to change or help the other person, you will want to employ helpful tactics for managing empathy. 

Want to reduce stress and thrive as an empath? We recommend these online courses from psychotherapist and sensitivity expert Julie Bjelland. Click here to learn more.

4 Ways for Highly Sensitive People to Manage Empathy 

1. Create distance since closeness increases empathy.

Because closeness increases empathy, sometimes it can help to create physical space when you are feeling dysregulated. For example, as a therapist (who is also highly empathic), I ensure I have enough space between my client and myself so I can preserve my energy and emotions to support them. Something as simple as a deliberate step-back (think: personal bubble) can go a long way to help deal with empathic stress.

2. Honor your boundaries, which will help decrease your stress levels.

If you feel emphatic stress, it is okay to practice the power of saying “no” and eliminate potential situations that may create stress. This can feel difficult for empaths and sensitive people, as they feel pain if they believe they are hurting someone or disappointing them. (We are often people-pleasers, too, after all!) But it is important to remember you are not able to be compassionate (help) if you are feeling overwhelmed. So honor your boundaries, and practice enacting them often!

3. Connect with the power of your breath. 

When your body and mind are having an empathic reaction to suffering, you may find your breath becoming shallow as your body responds to another’s pain. Reconnecting with your breath (perhaps using four-count box breathing or paying special attention to a nice, long exhale) can help increase regulation in your body.

4. Try Metta meditation, also known as a loving-kindness meditation.

This form of meditation is very powerful for strong empathy responses. It can evolve the stress that empathy can cause into a more positive feeling of compassion. To perform this meditation, do the following: 

• Find a comfortable position and spend a few moments focusing on your breath and concentrating on relaxing the muscles in your body. 
• Once you feel ready, begin with focusing on yourself and slowly repeat the following phrases in your head: “May I be happy.” “May I be healthy.” “May I be safe.” “May I be at ease.” 
• Next, you can repeat these steps, focusing on someone you care for and repeat: “May you be happy.” “May you be healthy.” “May you be safe.” “May you be at ease.” 
• Then, if you would like, choose a neutral person, someone you see regularly but may not know well, and repeat the same wishes for them. (You can also choose to provide well wishes for a group of people, animals, a certain nation, and so forth.) 
• Finally, you can choose a person who you are struggling with and provide the same wishes for them.

The key is to allow for space and time between each person you focus on. You can also choose to begin specifically where you feel the most need, i.e., with the person you are struggling with. 

Science shows that simply wishing someone well helps improve your mood and mental health, lower perceived stress, and help regulate your nervous system. These positive changes also allow HSPs, who find great value in their relationships, to enjoy being around others, even at times they may be struggling. 

You might like:

• For HSPs, ‘Compassion Fatigue’ Is All Too Real
• Why Highly Sensitive People Absorb Other People’s Emotions
• Why Highly Sensitive People Tend to Be People-Pleasers — and How to Stop

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post HSPs, Do You Have ‘Too Much’ Empathy? (And What to Do About It) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Most people can agree: Breakups are hard, especially if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP). The process of ending a relationship, even for the right reasons, can feel impossibly difficult. Research has found this to be true, too. Among divorced couples in Britain, one study found that the stress leading up to a breakup — and the feelings immediately following — are subjectively similar. The researchers also found that mental health, and life satisfaction, improved significantly within the first year after the breakup.

While there is an end to the pain after a breakup, a year may feel like an eternity, especially if you are a highly sensitive person (HSP), which accounts for nearly 30 percent of the human population. HSPs are already more sensitive to pain than most, but the growing pains after a breakup can completely overwhelm one’s sensitive nervous system. The intensity is so strong that it feels like they will never recover. 

However, as a therapist who has helped many of my clients go through a breakup, I’m here to tell you that there are ways to recover.

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5 Ways to Recover From a Breakup as an HSP 

1. Ride the “breakup wave” and find comfort in self-soothing activities.

For HSPs, the emotional toll of a breakup can feel like riding a vicious wave where the nervous system cannot “right” itself. Research shows that any reminder of the other person can cause bodily responses, such as knots in the stomach, a racing heart, a sense of panic, or feeling completely shut down. 

To this end, further research has found that a breakup can actually weaken the immune system and trigger the onset of illness. The term heart ache is not too far from the truth — and, for HSPs, there is an even greater experience of pain. That’s right, HSPs can feel physical pain longer and more intensely — and the same goes for the pain of emotional heartache. 

So to combat an aching heart, it’s important to engage in self-soothing strategies. Taking time to rest, process, and find healthy ways to metabolize the pain are all important when healing from a breakup. According to HSP Psychotherapist Julie Bjelland, highly sensitive people benefit from at least two hours of unstructured alone time per day to help regulate their nervous system — and this is especially true when navigating a break up. 

Alone time — and simply “doing nothing” — allows HSPs space to understand their experience and reflect on any lessons learned from the end of the relationship. Because HSPs readily seek depth and closeness in their relationships, even failed relationships can feel like an immense loss. 

While it may be tempting to seek out comfort from one’s ex during the early stages after a breakup, don’t do it. Doing so can be detrimental to your healing, as HSPs readily absorb the emotions and energy of those around them, including those of their ex. This may result in a cyclical reentry into a relationship that was not healthy to begin with. In this way, the relationship, or ex, becomes a form of addiction the HSP fails to wean from.

So focus on you and your interests as best you can.

2. Be open to getting support from others, whether it’s a close friend or therapist.

For some HSPs, it may feel comforting to completely isolate after a breakup (and I know I suggested alone time above). However, it is important to choose at least one person to spend time with, allowing for opportunities to process the breakup, which will help speed up the process of moving through your heartache. 

Spending time with others that provide comfort is not only helpful for anyone going through a breakup, but it is even more beneficial for an HSP. According to research done by Dr. Thomas Boyce, non-HSPs are less impacted by stressors in their environment as compared to HSPs, who are more negatively impacted by stressful environments, yet are also more influenced by positive ones. What this means is that the more positive people the HSP surrounds themselves with — and the more they engage in activities they love (such as hobbies, work, or other interests) — the sooner they will recover from the heartache of the breakup.

And if you don’t already have a therapist, you may want to seek one out, as they can help you create healthy coping mechanisms, as well as identify recurrent patterns in your romantic relationships. For instance, HSPs tend to fall for toxic relationships, and a therapist can help you uncover why.

3. Remove the relationship’s effect on you with radio silence.

It can be difficult to end the cycle of reconnection (whether it be directly with the ex, or through reading old texts, emails, or staying connected on social media). For this reason, it is helpful to have someone to be accountable to when trying to sustain a breakup. The better someone feels as a result of distancing themselves from their ex, the less likely they will feel dependent on the other person or the failed relationship. Essentially, the longer an HSP goes without having contact with their ex, the better they will feel. 

Practicing “radio silence” is an important step in helping many HSPs heal their nervous system after a breakup. A benefit of not contacting the other person is that it helps reduce obsessive thought patterns. According to the book, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, by Shahida Arabi, M.A., an intermittent “reward,” like unexpectedly seeing an ex or hearing about them, creates a surge of reward chemicals in the brain. This does not mean the relationship should be rekindled; rather, it is a natural response from the nervous system when seeing an ex, which is even more intense for HSPs. 

At times where the temptation to reach out becomes overwhelming, it can help to crowd in self-care practices that reinforce healthier ways to feel joy and comfort. Many refer to these practices as “dating oneself” as a means to redirect positive love and energy inward. Some ideas include:

• Grounding techniques, like breath practices, yoga, and meditation
• Rest
• Exercise
• Writing (perhaps a goodbye letter to the ex — that you do not send — or a love letter to yourself ) or journaling about your emotions
• Drawing, painting, or other forms of art and creativity 
• Getting out in nature, which helps reduce overstimulation for HSPs
• Volunteering 
• Reengaging in groups you may have been a part of before the breakup 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. If you need to still be in contact with the ex — if you have a child together, for instance — be sure to enact boundaries.

Sometimes there are instances where radio silence or cutting someone off cold turkey is not an option, such as if you share a child together. In those instances, it is helpful to continue implementing the idea of “crowding in” positive relationships and meaning and purpose into your life. In this way, you can do your best to experience emotional health and wellness. 

Furthermore, by establishing limited contact while employing all potential boundaries (i.e., only communicating via email or text if necessary), it’ll help increase a sense of safety and control. This allows for your HSP nervous system to better regulate when contact with an ex occurs.

5. Finally, give yourself time and compassion.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that getting over someone will take time, so have a lot of compassion and love for yourself. Plus, understanding that it is normal for HSPs to experience more intense, lengthier pain as a result of a breakup is an important step in healing. 

Similarly, removing self-criticism offers more room for growth, and wisdom that conscientious HSPs are likely to experience as a result of a breakup. Compassion, patience, and seeking outward positive input will help empower you. Although friends and family may say, “You should get back out there!” only you will know when you’re ready — and there really is no rush.

You might like:

• 8 Ways to Survive a Breakup as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships — And How to Stop
• How ‘Doing Nothing’ Does Something Big for HSPs

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Recover From a Breakup as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), and therapist, I am passionate about learning everything I can related to mental health. This led me to a very interesting question posed in both clinical and pop psychology: Is being a highly sensitive person, otherwise known as sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), simply another presentation of autism spectrum disorder (ASD)? 

It is no surprise that this question has become increasingly debated, as both types of individuals are found to be more sensitive to environmental stimuli as compared to those who do not identify in these categories.

Despite the two having similar sensitivities to things such as loud noises, intense smells, large crowds, and the sensitivity to environmental stimuli, the reason for these anomalies differ both in the root causes and how their traits impact overall quality of life. 

When Dr. Elaine Aron first coined the term of the highly sensitive person nearly 30 years ago, she explicitly stated that being an HSP is not the same as being autistic. However, the research was not as well-informed as it is presently. Some critics say that her assumption further stigmatized autism as being a disability while supporting high sensitivity as a “gift.” She was accurate in seeing high sensitivity as a gift; however, it also comes with its own set of challenges, similar to how autism has its own benefits and challenges. Let’s take a look at the characteristics of both and how each was identified.

What Is High Sensitivity?

One of the primary differences between high sensitivity and autism is how they are first identified. High sensitivity is a heritable and evolutionary trait — it is a state trait affecting patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that is generalized across various situations. Although everyone is sensitive to an extent, some people are more so than others.

Approximately 30 percent of people are born more sensitive than average, both physically and emotionally. (About 40 percent of people are average in sensitivity, while 20 percent are low in sensitivity.) Researchers refer to this trait as environmental sensitivity (also known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity, SPS). And all three levels of environmental sensitivity are considered to be healthy and normal.

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And people who fall near the high end of the sensitivity continuum are called highly sensitive people (HSPs). They are often highly in tune with their physical environment, as well as the emotions of others — they are highly empathic. They tend to notice subtle details that others miss and may be more bothered by textures, noises, and other things in the environment that don’t affect other people as much, if at all. Highly sensitive people are known to think deeply and are usually highly creative, too. Some researchers also believe high sensitivity is linked to giftedness.

As for someone determining whether or not they are a highly sensitive person, the trait can be identified with the validated, self-report highly sensitive person scale created by Dr. Aron. The HSP trait is not featured in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), nor is it a diagnosable disorder — since it is not a disorder. Furthermore, the trait is highly variable based on environmental factors. So if an HSP is at optimal arousal, many of the more challenging aspects of being highly sensitive (such as feeling overwhelmed or emotionally exhausted) can be remedied. 

What Is Autism?

Being a highly sensitive person differs from autism in that the traits of autism are not as readily impacted by simply lowering stimulation levels. This is not to say that reduced stress, healthy structure, and the use of stimming (a behavior common in those with autism using repetitive movements or sounds that help soothe the nervous system) do not help an autistic individual feel calmer. But, rather, the reason for ASD behaviors to present is more commonly an experience occurring internally in the way the autistic brain is wired.

Autism, which accounts for approximately 2 percent of the population, is a congenital anomaly that is found in the DSM. It is as varied in its presentation as there are humans diagnosed with the disorder. According to the DSM criteria for autism, it includes hyper- or hypo-reactivity to sensory input, deficits in social emotional reciprocity, abnormal social approaches, potential issues with verbal communication, abnormalities with eye contact and body language, and deficits in understanding the use of gestures of others. At times, there can also be a total lack of facial expressions and non-verbal communication.

Now, let’s take a look at a few key characteristics that differ between highly sensitive people and those who have autism.

4 Key Differences Between Highly Sensitive People and Those With Autism

1. HSPs need alone time for different reasons than those with autism.

Although a severely overwhelmed HSP may need alone time — like retreating to a dark room and not talking to or looking at anyone — the reasons for the behaviors are not the same as why someone with autism would need to do so. HSPs most commonly excel in the previously mentioned areas that the DSM identifies as autistic traits, such as enhanced social emotional- reciprocity, good communication skills, and the ability to comprehend and understand others’ body language. The reason that an HSP would need to retreat or reduce stimulation in their environment would most commonly occur from overuse of this skill set.

2. Empathy in highly sensitive people is innate whereas the research is mixed among those with autism.

The previously held belief was that social deficits seen in autism were a result of a lack of empathy. While this theory has been supported by previous research, more recent research has uncovered that those with autism have the ability to experience empathy similar to how neurotypicals do — those who think and behave in ways that are considered “the norm” by society.

Neuroscientist Mirella Dapretto of UCLA describes that “noisy brain networks” are the reason for many of the social deficits with autism. Dapretto hypothesizes that even though mirror neurons (brain cells that fire both when performing or observing an action) fire similarly with ASD individuals as neurotypicals, other areas of the ASD brain are far more hyperactive, essentially causing clutter in the processing experience. 

How mirror neurons function in HSPs highlight another difference between ASD and HSPs, as highly sensitive people have mirror neurons that are far more active than neurotypical individuals. According to research examining HSPs’ responses to others’ emotions in a set of photographs, there was increased brain activation of regions involved in attention and action planning found when HSPs viewed the emotions of others. For happy and sad photos viewed by HSPs,  there was heightened activation of brain regions involved in awareness, integration of sensory information, empathy, and action planning. What this means is that the highly sensitive brain must express empathy because their brain is wired to do so. 

The consistent firing of mirror neurons in the brain of an HSP is one of the primary reasons highly sensitive people absorb the energy and mood of those around them. Even the external stimulation — such as lighting, sound, and decor — become part of their processing experience when determining whether they (or others around them) are comfortable. (Sidenote: This is one reason HSPs can make excellent party hosts — even though they may have an emotional hangover the next day from all the overstimulation.) These qualities are one of the greatest strengths of an HSP — they lead to deep social connection, for instance. But it is crucial to manage the output of energy and empathy to minimize issues with sensory overload. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. While depth of processing is one of the key traits among HSPs, those with autism engage in breadth of processing.

Depth of processing is one of the universal descriptors of highly sensitive people. It’s responsible for the intuitive abilities of an HSP, both regarding others’ emotions and pertaining to life’s many choices. It is also the reason why HSPs take more time and energy to arrive at decisions, as they tend to extensively analyze their lived experiences, along with all potential outcomes. 

Research by Jadzia Jagiellowicz found that highly sensitive people use parts of the brain associated with “deeper” processing of information, especially on tasks that involve noticing subtleties, as compared to neurotypical individuals. 

While those with autism also engage in depth of processing, especially when related to something they are interested in, they also equally engage in breadth of processing, which is less common in highly sensitive people. What this translates to is a wider focus of attention for those with autism — whereas they may not analyze one specific situation or social response of another as intensely, their brain is hard at work organizing a number of other separate experiences. 

While most people see the world around them cohesively, those with autism experience a more separated world, made of distinct mental images. This unique way of seeing the world is yet another difference in processing that further highlights how highly sensitive people and those with autism differ. Both process deeply, which can lead to sensory overload. However, among HSPs, it is a result of depth of processing in one area, especially in relation to other’s emotional experiences. Whereas in those with autism, they experience sensory overload because their brain has a larger stack of sensory input to sift through, causing the “noisy brain network” that Dipretto discussed.

4. Both HSPs and those with autism possess many strengths, some of which overlap, yet others do not.

Both HSPs and individuals with autism possess incredible strengths as a result of the unique way their brain differs from the rest of the human population. Some of the same mechanisms in the brain that cause difficulties for autistic individuals also result in incredible gifts and talents. As Dr. Hans Asperger (1906-1980) said: “It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential.” There is certainly truth to this statement, as there is much to learn and appreciate from people who experience the world in the way the autistic individual does.

For HSPs, they, too, possess unique gifts and strengths that enhance their life, often in areas such as social connection, intimacy, entrepreneurship, creativity, and efforts towards human justice. By trying to understand the similarities between the two — and the ways in which both are distinctly different — it helps increase self-awareness, as well as an appreciation and compassion for one another. And that’s all we can hope for.

Please follow me on Instagram, @drameliakelley, where I explore everything HSP, as well as thriving practices for survivors of trauma and abuse. 

You might like:

• Is Being a Highly Sensitive Person the Same as Having Autism?
• 3 Disorders Your Highly Sensitive Child May Wrongly Be Diagnosed With
• If You Do These 7 Things, You’re Probably an HSP

The post Autism Is Not the Same as Being a Highly Sensitive Person. Here’s the Difference. appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Most, if not all, of us will experience trauma at some point in our lives, simply because we are human. Trauma is not just the threat to life as was previously thought. Instead, it can be any instance that disrupts safety and forces us to reorient and adjust to a new reality. 

Some forms of trauma are small “t” — including major life transitions and chronic stress. But when we think about the negative and long-term impacts of trauma, what we are most often thinking of is large “T” — trauma including things like assault, rape, natural disaster, war, mass shootings, loss of a loved one, or personally witnessing another’s endangerment. 

In essence, trauma reshapes how we see the world; at times, it can completely change the course of our lives.

How Trauma Affects Highly Sensitive People 

About 30 percent of the population tests as more sensitive than average, according to Michael Pluess, a behavioral scientist at Queen Mary University of London. Known as highly sensitive people (HSPs), they are wired at a biological level to think, feel, and experience the world more deeply. This is a survival advantage that allows sensitive people to process more information about their environment and notice things that others miss. In animals, high sensitivity can be what saves a creature from the jaws of a predator. In humans, it’s more likely to show up as creativity, innovation, empathy, and depth of emotion. 

But this ability to feel more deeply can have downsides, too — and profoundly changes how HSPs experience trauma. As a trauma-informed therapist working with highly sensitive people, I see firsthand the deep impact trauma has, especially when trauma was experienced in childhood. 

HSP survivors of trauma tend to feel like the black sheep or the outsider in their family, because they were more negatively impacted than their non-HSP siblings. Based on the “dandelion vs. orchid” theory by W. Thomas Boyce, M.D., there are two different kinds of children: the “dandelion” child — hardy, resilient, healthy — who are able to survive and flourish under most circumstances, and the “orchid” child — sensitive, susceptible, fragile — who, in the right environment, can thrive as much, if not more, than other children. (You can read more about “orchids” and “dandelions” in Boyce’s book.) This speaks to why HSPs who experience trauma can be “hit harder” than their non-HSP counterparts. The following are specific ways HSPs are more impacted by trauma.

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The Connection Between Hyperarousal and HSPs

Hyperarousal is a common issue that occurs for most survivors of trauma — and, for highly sensitive people, because they feel things more deeply, the experience is intensified. At times, it can even become detrimental. Symptoms of hyperarousal include:

• Irritability
• Aggression
• Risky or destructive behavior
• Hypervigilance (an elevated state of assessing potential threats in the environment)
• Heightened startle reaction
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty sleeping

Considering that HSPs tend to be more hyperaroused as it is, trauma can exacerbate the likelihood of becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated. It can be difficult to determine whether someone who has experienced past trauma is a highly sensitive person if they also have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is triggered by a scary event. 

The reason for this is because many of the symptoms of PTSD are also found in the HSP scale, an assessment used to identify how sensitive someone is. For example, some features that occur in both are:

• Being easily startled
• Avoiding large crowds 
• Needing to withdraw to have relief from stimulation
• Discomfort with loud noises
• Avoiding violent movies and TV shows

For sensitive people, the world can already be overstimulating. So when trauma occurs, it compounds the impact of the highly sensitive person’s previously heightened nervous system.

The Connection Between Compartmentalizing and HSPs

After enduring trauma, HSPs are more likely to dissociate, trauma-split, or hyper-compartmentalize. What this means is that, in order to survive, they will effectively shut off certain emotions or facets of their personality in order to feel less so they can function more. 

A well-known example of this would be dissociative identity disorder (DID), otherwise known as multiple personality disorder. Each identity controls a different part of the person’s behavior. Working with a therapist is important so that the person can reduce the frequency with which they switch personalities and identities.

Other common forms of compartmentalizing that are common for HSPs include ignoring difficult or raw emotions by controlling the environment around them while engaging in a “flight” response (vs. “fight”), as Pete Walker explored in his book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. 

Those in flight mode may appear high-functioning, as they are always on the go. But, eventually, they will crash. Hyper-compartmentalizing emotions often results in basic needs being ignored, which can not only lead to mental health issues, but also medical/health issues being overlooked. 

In the book I co-authored with a domestic abuse survivor, Kendal Ann, What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship, she so heavily compartmentalized her emotional well-being — so much so that she did not even realize she had a vicious case of strep throat. She only realized it once a doctor tested her and brought it to her attention. 

So, see? For HSPs who have endured trauma, compartmentalizing can feel like the only way to survive, but there are many healthier — and more compassionate — options. 

Knowing how trauma impacts a highly sensitive person is a good place to start. The next step is to gain knowledge about how to cope with the impact trauma can wreak on the HSP nervous system. You do this by learning ways to thrive and become more resilient.             

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3 Ways Highly Sensitive People Can Cope with Trauma

1. Remember that education is power — know what you experienced so you can heal and regain your power.

For trauma survivors, it is important they understand what they are experiencing (or have experienced), so they can regain power they lost as a result of the trauma. By this, I mean knowing what is happening and why. For example, it helps to understand what triggers you have and how the body reacts to them as a result of trauma — this can help reduce stress and anxiety. 

Since conscientious thinking is common for highly sensitive people, learning about your trauma can fulfill the need you have to seek out answers to life’s great mysteries. Education is so crucial for recovery that, in mental health therapy, the first step of trauma work involves psychoeducation. This provides a language to describe what you’re going through. 

If therapy is not an option, there is a lot that can be learned from trauma-focused support groups, blogs, podcasts, and literature. One of the most widely read books regarding trauma, The Body Keeps the Score by Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, is a good place to start.  

2. Limit negative news on TV, online, and on social media.

After an HSP has endured trauma, it can be helpful to limit the news (especially negative) being watched or read, particularly during times of incredible unrest in the world and in relation to things that are out of our control. 

It can help to set boundaries with friends and family, too, to let them know you are avoiding (or limiting) your intake of the news, as many people tend to spread the distress they experience from negative news by talking about it with others. 

For some, completely cutting the news out is either not an option or it feels uncomfortable. This is due to the strong pull HSPs have toward social justice and wanting to care for the world. In these cases, it can help to set parameters and limit consumption to times of optimal arousal — and not during times of heightened levels of stress.

3. Spend time with others while being patient with your progress.

When recovering from trauma, it is important not to rush the process. Rather, practice mindfulness and acceptance for where you find yourself in the journey of healing. When you do feel ready, however, one of the most powerful ways to process trauma is in the presence of others. 

Trauma can disrupt the sense of safety a highly sensitive person has around others. Some ways to work through this may be attending a support group for trauma survivors or joining group activities that help regulate your vagus nerve, which is responsible for telling your body whether or not you are safe. Some ideas include singing in a chorus or a self-defense class. 

While these ideas can have a positive impact on recovery from trauma, they are not always easy to do. If possible, try practicing authenticity about how you are feeling and share your struggle with at least one person you can trust. 

If the thought of sharing your trauma story with even one person feels like too much at this time, other good options are online support groups, listening to podcasts, finding self-help books that resonate with your experience, or working with a mental health therapist who is well-versed in trauma and HSPs. 

Hope for Highly Sensitive People with Trauma

It is important to remember that healing is not a linear path — rather, it is a dynamic journey that will change over time. The journey for HSPs can also feel longer and more arduous than for others. But it is important to remain patient and loving toward yourself. Self-compassion is not only going to help reduce the negative impact that trauma can have, but it is also exactly what you need — and deserve.

You might like:

• 6 Lessons I Learned About Surviving Trauma as a Highly Sensitive Person
• How Unhealed Trauma Affects Highly Sensitive People
• 10 Mental Health Game-Changers for Highly Sensitive People

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Trauma Hits Differently When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person. Here’s Why (and What to Do About It) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

When exploring what brings people joy, healthy relationships are at the top of the list. And, for highly sensitive people (HSPs), the quality of their relationships is even more crucial — because they are more deeply affected by the people around them.

Feeling “secure,” meaning each person is accessible, consistent, safe and emotionally responsive, is the basis of a healthy relationship. This is what psychologists call having a secure attachment style, and it’s just one of several attachment styles people can have. That means that understanding your attachment style — whether it is “secure” or not — is essential to your happiness as a highly sensitive person.

What is attachment style?

An attachment style is a deeply held set of expectations toward relationships with other people and how to interact with them. Your attachment style was shaped in early childhood and helps determine how your connections with others unfold and whether or not a particular relationship remains healthy.

The four attachment styles, based on the attachment theory developed by British psychologist John Bowlby are:

• Secure — you feel safe and do not fear someone will abandon you
• Anxious Preoccupied — you don’t feel a sense of security in your relationships
• Dismissive Avoidant — the more people try to get close to you, the further you’ll run
• Fearful Avoidant — you go back and forth between wanting both closeness and distance (at the same time)

These four styles explain how we interact and behave in relationships, especially when our relationships feel unstable. While all relationships have their disruptions, how these conflicts are handled have a great impact on our individual attachment style. 

Early behaviorists believed that as long as basic needs were met, such as a child being fed, there would be motivation to bond. Further research by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, however, discovered that nurturance and responsiveness are even more important.

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How Early Childhood Attachment Greatly Impacts HSPs

Highly sensitive children (HSCs) are more sensitive to their surroundings than non-HSCs, due to a more active autonomic nervous system (ANS), which signals whether we feel safe. This also means that HSCs are more perceptive to the emotional state of their caregivers. 

Highly sensitive children who encounter unhealthy connections with caregivers early in childhood (whether from neglect, abuse, or the impact of mental health or substance abuse issues from the caregiver) will more commonly alter their behavior in attempts to repair the connection. This will look like “walking on eggshells” in order to sustain the connection with their caregiver. This constant effort to appease can negatively impact the ability for the highly sensitive child to develop a secure attachment style, negatively impacting healthy development and the ability to securely connect well into adulthood.  

In Dr. Elaine N. Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You, she states that being highly sensitive does not predetermine whether someone will develop secure versus insecure attachment. Rather, approximately the same number of HSPs and non-HSPs have secure attachment styles.

However, Dr. Aron’s research does suggest that HSPs, especially those who experience unhealthy or inconsistent caregiver relationships in childhood, will be somewhat more likely to develop insecure, and often anxious, attachment. 

What Anxiously Attached HSPs Should Know

Because HSPs are hardwired for empathy, they more naturally attune to other’s feelings. So, at times, they struggle to set boundaries, in fear of hurting people they are in a relationship with. Yet when an HSP does not feel safe expressing their needs and setting boundaries, it leads to more insecure attachment, and the likelihood of anxious or avoidant styles to emerge. 

Which style becomes dominant depends on what protective factors were more useful in their past relationships. For example, was it better (so to speak) for them to disappear in the face of a relationship rupture? Or did it feel better to caretake and become clingy? 

What this means is that the insecurely attached HSP will be more likely to attract other individuals who are also insecurely attached, opening them up to potentially toxic relationships. HSPs with insecure, or unstable, attachment styles are more likely targeted because they naturally enter relationships with a more codependent mindset, simply because HSPs often think about others’ feelings before their own. While codependency can be a risk factor for HSPs when choosing relationships, the risk can be mitigated by remaining aware of your needs and being intentional about your self-worth. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Once You Know Your Attachment Style, You Can Change It

In Jessica Baum’s book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, she outlines the incredible ability that our brains have to rewire themselves toward safety in relationships with others. While the high sensitivity trait is genetic, based on dopamine-related gene expression, attachment style is not. Our attachment style is directly connected to our experiences within relationships, both in the formative years (where we learn to connect) and further into adulthood. 

The quality of relationships a highly sensitive person chooses has a dramatic impact on both their current and future attachment style. Medical Researcher Thomas Boyce, MD, author of The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Sensitive Children Face Challenges and How All Can Thrive, explored the impact of both positive and negative environments on the health of HSCs. He uncovered that, although negative experiences impact HSPs more drastically, so do positive experiences. 

Often, people describe this experience as sensitive types being like a “sponge” and absorbing the energy of those around them. What this means is that HSPs have a great deal of power, because when they choose securely attached people to spend their time with, they, too, become more secure in their ability to attach. 

The HSP Power to Repair Attachment 

Research on motherhood shows that even if nearly half of the interactions between mother and child are out of sync, they can still experience secure attachment — as long as they’re able to realign with one another. That is the beautiful thing about attachment: It is something that can be actively worked through. And, for HSPs who are highly conscientious, they have the power to repair connections if they feel safe to share emotions openly. HSPs can use their power to realign by doing the following: 

• Notice reactions you have to your partner as they arise
• Share these reactions readily and with compassion — the more often emotions are shared, the more secure the relationship becomes
• Express requests or boundaries, if needed
• If boundaries or requests are not respected, you may need to assess the health of the relationship

When it comes to relationships, highly sensitive people have the capacity to be true masters at attachment. Much like how an HSP knows how to alter things in the room to make everyone comfortable, they, too, can address issues in a relationship, especially if they honor their intuition and sensitive nervous system. 

HSPs have the ability to enhance their relationships when they remain aware of their attachment style and pay attention to their needs within the relationship. Because HSPs are highly intuitive, the more secure they feel in themselves, the more courage they will have to end unhealthy relationships when necessary to do so. 

You might like:

• What Happens When an HSP Grows Up With Insecure Attachment?
• How to Know Your Attachment Style as a Highly Sensitive Person
• These Are the Roles HSPs End Up Playing in Their Families — And How to Change Them

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Is a Game Changer for HSPs appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

You lie down after a full day, hoping that tonight will be the night you fall asleep easily. Instead, your mind starts racing with all the things you did during the day — the interactions you had, the endless tasks on your to-do list, those nagging unresolved problems, and 101 other things. Yes, these are things anyone might stay awake over, but a sensitive person’s brain is particularly good at overthinking.

When your mind remains awake, so, too, does your body. Your heart rate and breathing do not slow, your body temperature cannot settle down, and your blood vessels do not relax and widen — all physiological changes necessary for calming the body in preparation for restful sleep. If you’re a highly sensitive person, you also key in on much subtler sensations: Were these sheets always so itchy? Was the bedroom always this hot/cold/bright/you-name-it? Why is my spouse breathing so loud?

Though you’re tired, adrenaline kicks in and your legs start to feel restless. If you share your bed with someone, they are inevitably already asleep. You might look over and wonder, “Why is it so hard for me (and not them)?” 

The answer may be simple: sleep may be harder because you are a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Why Do Highly Sensitive People Struggle to Sleep?

While sleep is important for everyone — the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends at least seven hours for adults 18 and older — it is even more crucial for highly sensitive people.  And yet, for HSPs, good sleep is paradoxically even harder to find.

According to HSP psychotherapist and expert Julie Bjelland, one of the brain regions that is more active in HSPs is the amygdala, a key part of the limbic system. (The limbic system regulates unconscious processes, including emotions.) The amygdala in particular is the portion of the brain that signals whether we are “safe” — or afraid. 

For HSPs, Bjelland says, the amygdala is on a hair trigger: it takes much less to signal danger. That means we can feel unsafe (and unable to sleep) for all kinds of reasons: tenuous social interactions, physical discomfort, extreme hunger, a sense of overwhelm, or, ironically, being tired. Any of these can activate the amygdala for a sensitive person and, with it, a night of tossing and turning.

Ironically, one of the most effective ways to manage this heightened activity is with rest — despite the fact that when HSPs are overstimulated, sleep is more difficult to achieve. (Plus, even at rest, our HSP brains still process everything deeply.) It certainly seems like a catch-22.

Are Highly Sensitive People More Likely to Have Insomnia?

There is not yet a good body of research studying the interaction of sleep and high sensitivity. However, in my own practice as a therapist, I have witnessed a much higher rate of complains about insomnia and sleep-related problems from my highly sensitive clients. Bjelland says that she has observed the same in her own practice.

(A link between HSPs and insomnia also makes intuitive sense. It even serves as a plot device for the classic folk tale about the Princess and the Pea — a story that Psychology Today used to explain high sensitivity in its classic piece on HSPs.)

Sleep troubles don’t always mean clinical insomnia. In my practice, I have witnessed nearly all highly sensitive clients reporting some kind of sleep issue, ranging from being night owls to true insomniacs to needing a very specific set of conditions to sleep well. Many HSPs tell me they have to put themselves to bed extremely early in the evening. I personally can relate, as I’m someone who has struggled with sleep since a very young age. 

The good thing is, there are specific steps us HSPs can take to prevent the onset of insomnia. Many of them involve not just sleep rituals, which can be hit-and-miss, but taking steps earlier in your waking day to prevent the amygdala response in the first place. Here are four of the most effective ways I have seen my HSP clients kick insomnia and get meaningful, good quality sleep.

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4 Key Ways to Battle Insomnia as a Highly Sensitive Person

1. Set boundaries with time throughout the day.

Living as a highly sensitive person can come with extreme highs and lows. Some of the gifts of high sensitivity include creativity, passion, and the ability to connect with others in a deep and meaningful way. But — all of these strengths demand an incredible investment of emotional energy, and it can be difficult for HSPs not to overload themselves. 

Making sleep more of a priority means setting boundaries with time throughout the day. I know — many HSPs are not fans of time anxiety. Plus, practicing the power of saying “no” can be hard for HSPs, as empathy may drive them to say “yes” even when it is to their (overstimulated and exhausted) detriment.

So how do you do this? Try to limit extra responsibilities (such as a passion project) to one task per day. And when it comes to the HSP empathy trait, if you need to show up for a loved one during the day, you need to also show up for yourself by scheduling some alone time. (Yes, schedule it!) Doing so will positively impact your ability to process and decompress in the daytime hours, not while you’re lying in bed at night, trying to sleep. Even if you spend your alone time doing nothing, it’s still mission accomplished, as you allowed yourself to rest and decompress. 

2. Be mindful of how you’re spending the last two hours of the day before you lie down.

For highly sensitive people, it is increasingly important to be mindful of what kind of simulation you are taking in each day, especially during the last two hours of the day. 

Many people enjoy watching TV to decompress at the end of the day. However, for HSPs, it is important to be aware of what kind of content they are viewing. Watching something incredibly stimulating, violent, or stressful before bed (like the news!) is likely going to wind up the HSP nervous system. 

Another thing to consider is when you stop working. HSPs who have a lot of priorities throughout the day tend to postpone their own self-care (or work) until there is no one left to care for. While it can be tempting to stay up late and finish work (especially with the fluid boundaries of working from home), it is important to notice how close to bedtime your nervous system can handle working. Personally, I have learned my limit is 90 minutes. If I stop writing or working any closer to when I want to sleep, it is pretty certain I will struggle with insomnia that evening — my mind will race with thoughts and still be overstimulated.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Don’t miss your “sleep window” — the period of time when your mind and body want to sleep.

At the center of our limbic system sits our hypothalamus, which plays a role in our body’s ability to sleep. Each of us has our own personal “sleep window,” which is the period of time that our body wants — and accepts — sleep. 

There are many factors that go into when our personal sleep window is, such as biology, though much of it can be environmental. The latter includes artificial light in the evening (and a lack of natural light during the day), smartphone, alcohol, or drug usage, and a lack of physical activity.

Within that window is something called the “sleep gate,” which is when our body is most capable of falling asleep. It is important to pay attention to when your sleep gate opens by obeying your body’s sleep cues rather than pushing past it. (The people-pleaser in us may want to stay up and finish what we’re working on, but it’s not a good idea!)

Once our personal sleep gate closes — which is often within 45 minutes to an hour — the HSP nervous system will ramp up stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, causing wakefulness. And, yep… this will lead to insomnia.

4. Try following a consistent bedtime routine and practicing good sleep hygiene, like lying down and waking up at the same time every day.

There are many ways to get into a good bedtime routine — but consistency is key. Here are some top ways to do so.

• Practice good sleep hygiene by keeping a consistent sleep (and wake-up schedule). Even if the time you fall asleep changes, you must get up at the same time every morning to make it a habit.

• Omit long naps whenever possible. This way, you will create “sleep debt” for the next evening and be nice and tired when it comes time to lie down.

• Cultivate a calming sleep routine. Do some relaxing pre-bedtime activities, like reading, taking a bath, doing yoga, journaling, or using aromatherapy (lavender works well!).

• Reduce artificial light in the evening. This means turn off blue light features on any and all technological devices, as well as overhead lights.

• Increase your natural light intake in the daytime. Aim for at least 30 minutes of midday light, which will also increase vitamin D stores in the body.

• Ensure bedtime snacks are not high in sugar or salt, as both can be stimulating to the nervous system.

• Limit the use of sleeping pills, as it masks sleep problems and prevents you from resolving that core issue.

• Do not use alcohol to fall asleep. Even if it helps with the onset of sleep, alcohol prevents the deep, restorative sleep needed for health and wellness.

• See a therapist or sleep specialist to practice Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I). This has been proven to help treat circadian disturbances affecting healthy sleep, and you can learn particular skills for improving your sleep issues.

If all else fails and you find yourself awake at night  for more than 20 minutes in bed, experts suggest you leave your bed and do something soothing, such as a warm shower or light stretching or meditation. You should get up — versus lie there — since your bed is a place for sleep or physical intimacy, and nothing else. You don’t want to associate it with being restless and sleepless, too.

It can be difficult to set the boundaries needed for healthy sleep, but the benefits far outweigh the cost of doing just “one more thing” before you go to bed. Trust me! Plus, as a highly sensitive person, you need to conserve as much energy as you can. 

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People May Need More Sleep Than Others
• How To Cope With Time Anxiety as an HSP
• How ‘Doing Nothing’ Does Something Big for HSPs

The post Do Highly Sensitive People Struggle More with Bad Sleep and Insomnia? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

One of the many strengths of being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is our incredible ability to empathize and quite literally feel the emotions of others — good or bad. “Negative empathy,” or the understanding and/or sharing of others’ negative emotional states, is heightened in HSPs. That can spell trouble — especially if they find themselves in contact with a “high conflict person,” someone who emanates negative emotions and compulsively stirs up conflict. High conflict people are hard on anyone around them, but they are especially debilitating to HSPs. 

As a therapist who works with HSPs I see the impact of negative empathy and conflict quite often. Many HSPs who are in relationships with, work with or spend time with a high conflict person express that they themselves start to become less harmonious both emotionally and physically when around the negativity of a high conflict person. At its extreme, the presence of a high conflict person in their lives can leave them, walking on eggshells, traumatized, and afraid. 

So how should HSPs deal with these conflict-driven individuals? Here’s what I’ve learned actually works — starting with why the problem exists in the first place. 

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What Is a High Conflict Person?

A high conflict person is someone whose behavior consistently intensifies and prolongs conflict. High conflict people tend to avoid potential resolutions, increase distress in those around them, and struggles to admit when they are wrong. 

Because conflict is a normal part of interpersonal relationships, it can be difficult to determine whether someone is truly “high conflict” through and through or if they are just someone who is “higher conflict than average.” In fact, author and conflict resolution coach Tammy Lenksi cautions against the overuse of the term “high conflict.” Lenski says that people are often wrongly labeled as high conflict when they are assertive and comfortable addressing issues head on — which is not a bad thing — or if they have strong emotional individuality and the ability to disagree with others. While those traits may rub any given person the wrong way, they don’t fit the pattern of a compulsively high conflict individual. 

Instead, according to Bill Eddy, therapist and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute in California, there are four universal behavior traits found in high conflict people:

1. Blaming others
2. All-or-nothing (black or white) thinking 
3. Unmanaged intense emotions
4. Extreme behaviors/threats

Eddy estimates that high conflict people make up roughly 10 percent of our population. 

While nearly half of high conflict people possess some form of a personality disorder (such as narcissism or psychopathy), Eddy says that half do not. High conflict is not always synonymous with a personality disorder, and there are distinct nuances between them. For example, a narcissist who thrives off of an inflated sense of self will diminish another person to uphold their own self-worth, but their methods are not always high conflict. Instead, they may be passive aggressive, stonewall people (refuse to communicate or dismiss another), or divert (ignore an issue), which are not high-conflict behaviors. To be a high conflict person the individual’s pattern — intentionally or unintentionally — is to increase tension and drama by any means possible, even it includes lying, threatening, yelling or physical harm.

Are High Conflict People Drawn to HSPs?

In order to engage in conflict there must be someone listening and responding on the other end. HSPs are incredible listeners and conversationalists, and often gravitate to deep and meaningful conversations. This style of communication is highly appealing to high conflict people, as the more someone cares about an issue, the more harm the high conflict individual can inflict in an argument. A high conflict person gets some kind of thrill or rise in upsetting others — not because they want conflict, but because it feels more familiar and comfortable to them — and the more sensitive someone appears, the more the high conflict person may target them.

Depth of processing is another HSP trait that may draw in high conflict types. Depth of processing means highly sensitive people think deeply about information in their environment. That includes how HSPs think about the people around them, leading to slower, more thoughtful decision making in how to engage their inner world to their outer world. Taking more time to craft thoughtful responses sometimes leads HSPs to feel they cannot keep pace in intense conflict or may “not know what to say” until they have time to process and come back to an issue. In contrast, high conflict people are highly practiced at verbal assault and skilled at quick retorts; they may employ cutting words, accusations, threats, and black-or-white statements in order to prove their point. 

In other words, it may be easier for high conflict people to dominate a conflict when the person on the other end is sensitive. Does that mean high conflict people actively seek out HSPs? Not necessarily. But it may mean that HSPs are the convenient targets or the ones that the high conflict individual makes the most headway with, at least initially, leading to more frequent, prolonged conflict situations. 

And that may have an even bigger impact on HSPs than it does on others.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Why HSPs Should Guard Themselves 

When sensitive people end up in the orbit of a high conflict person, the HSP’s negative empathy response can become so strong that the HSP can feel physically ill, emotionally flooded, and even experience symptoms of panic such as muscle tension, stomach ache and shallow breathing. In fact, in general, conflict hits HSPs especially hard. In addition to physical symptoms there are common, unhealthy thinking patterns that emerge such as:

• Increased negative self-talk
• Feeling hypercritical of others or a situation
• Self-doubt
• Pessimism 

Together, this means that high conflict people — who may come back to an HSP over and over — can quickly ruin a sensitive person’s health, happiness, and even self-image. The sensitive person may be more likely to blame themselves for the conflict or to make unsafe, unfair compromises. If you are a highly sensitive person dealing with someone who seems to be driven by love of conflict, it’s vital that you get away from them and get free.

How to Extract Yourself from a High Conflict Person

Because HSPs soak up the emotional energy of others, it is crucial that they create distance, both physically and mentally from high conflict people. Having an intense reaction to a high conflict person is not a sign that the HSP is not “tough enough” but rather that they are highly perceptive and can detect the toxic nature of a high conflict person, even before others can. 

First of all, if it’s possible, the best thing you can do is to break ties with the high conflict person altogether. It may be worth breaking off a friendship, ending a romantic relationship, or even looking for a new job if it means you will remove the high conflict person from your life. (Remember: high conflict people lack self-awareness of their own conflict patterns, and they see the conflict as entirely someone else’s fault. The normal approaches that reasonable people take to end conflict — apologizing, compromising, and talking it out — will never help with a high conflict person. They only stir up the high conflict person all the more.) 

Severing ties is not always possible, of course, which means you need to set and practice healthy boundaries.

Practicing healthy boundaries with a high conflict person may look different than it does with others. Some necessary steps include:

• Exit cyclical arguments started by the high conflict person. It doesn’t matter if you seem rude or if the conflict wasn’t resolved; just say you’ll need to stop talking about it and do so. 
• Create physical distance in the room or space where you find yourself in with a high conflict person. This is more than symbolic. When they aren’t near you, you’re less likely to become their immediate target.
• Understand that their goal is not to resolve conflict or understand your point of view. High conflict people lack to the self-awareness to sincerely do this. Instead, share your thoughts and feelings with the people who will listen.
• End future interactions or establish limited contact with high conflict people who have an ongoing presence in your life (such as the other parent of your child, a coworker at a job you cannot easily leave, or a family member). You may not be able to break ties entirely, but you can decline to speak about certain topics, filter emails from them to a separate folder, block or mute their text messages, or clearly tell them you will only have contact in certain ways — such as telling a coworker you will only speak about work projects, and re-assert that boundary when they sprawl to other topics. 
• For written communication, use BIFF. The BIFF method stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm and refers to the ideal way to write emails or other short messages to a high conflict person. Brevity is often the hardest of these for HSPs — stick to the facts, the relevant facts, and the minimum possible context. A good example of a BIFF message would be: “I appreciate your concern about being unable to make the meeting. As I mentioned previously, the meeting could not be rescheduled. I’ve attached the agenda so you can see what we covered. You’ll see that our team’s project timeline has changed; your part is due Friday. Have a good day.”
• For spoken communication, use EAR. In-person interactions are harder, but using EAR statements — statements that express Empathy, Attention, or Respect — often help the high conflict person avoid escalating. You can use just one of these statements near the start of a conversation and then keep the rest brief and focused on the facts or a specific proposal. Examples would be, “I understand it’s important to you that we don’t overlook X” (empathy), “I’ve seen how hard you’re working hard to make sure of Y” (attention), or “I admire how thorough you have been about Z” (respect). Don’t lie in these statements, and don’t throw yourself under the bus — you can respect how much someone is focused on (for example) your child’s education even if they’ve been a jerk about it, and without saying that your own approach has been wrong. 
• Do not apologize to a high conflict person. Many of us are in the habit of apologizing more out of politeness than because we did anything wrong. This habit is especially common among women, who are criticized if they don’t seem accommodating, and among highly sensitive people of all genders, who prefer to smooth things over when possible. This habit leads to major problems with high conflict people, however, because they will see it as vindication that they are the good guy and you are the one to blame — you may never hear the end of it. (In fact, even sincere apologies are often a bad idea with high conflict people — it may be better to just let the topic pass and move on.)

There is hope for HSPs when it comes to dealing with high conflict people. Just as HSPs are more deeply impacted by negative environments and people, so too are they more positively influenced by healthy situations and relationships. The sooner you cut ties or create distance from a high conflict person, the sooner you will feel a greater sense of peace, balance and reconnection with your authentic self. 

You Might Like:

• HSPs, Do You Have a High Conflict Person in Your Life?
• HSPs, Here’s How to Finally Get Unsafe People Out of Your Life
• How to Actually Set Better Boundaries — the HSP Way

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Why HSPs Need to Stay Away from High Conflict People (And How to Get Rid of Them) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I remember the look on my dentist’s face when I asked for yet another round of Novocain as he dug into my tooth, performing a long overdue root canal (thank you, COVID-19 lockdown!). He remarked that most people he treated never asked for the amount I needed. 

He was probably right — because most people he treated, around 70 percent of the population, are not highly sensitive people (HSPs). I, on the other hand, am part of the nearly 30 percent who do feel pain more intensely. This is likely due to the fact that we sensitive people feel things more deeply and extensively than non-HSPs. (In fact, our brains are still busy processing even when we’re resting!)

But what exactly does it mean to have a poor pain tolerance? What it does not mean is that someone cannot “handle” pain. Quite the contrary: When it comes to HSPs, many of us have been trained to “deal” with our pain by grinning and bearing it. 

At the risk of being called “dramatic” or labeled a “hypochondriac” — something you should never say to a highly sensitive person — some HSPs experience medical gaslighting, which happens when a medical provider downplays symptoms or ignores concerns as being emotion-driven (i.e., all in your head) or based on misinformation. 

This can be quite frustrating for the HSP who just wants to be heard — and believed. To this end, doctors’ visits are often different for highly sensitive people and it may help to tell doctors you’re an HSP. 

Speaking of which, before we go any further, let’s look at what it means to be a highly sensitive person. 

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The Science Behind Highly Sensitive People

We’re all sensitive to a degree, but some of us are more sensitive than others. Nearly 30 percent of people are born more sensitive than average — emotionally and physically. (About 40 percent of people are average in sensitivity while 20 percent are low in sensitivity.) Researchers refer to this trait as environmental sensitivity, or Sensory Processing Sensitivity. And don’t worry — all three levels of environmental sensitivity are considered to be completely normal and healthy.

Those who fall near the high end of the sensitivity continuum are called highly sensitive people, or HSPs. Some trademark characteristics include: they will often notice subtle details that other people miss; they’re deeply in touch with their physical environment and to others’ feelings and emotions; they are more sensitive to noises, smells, textures, and other factors in the environment that other people may not be affected by; they’re deep thinkers; they value deep connections and relationships with others; and they’re highly creative and empathetic. In addition, some researchers believe high sensitivity is linked to giftedness.

If you are wondering how one “becomes” highly sensitive, they’re likely born that way, and the sensitivity trait continues to develop through the years. So even though they will remain sensitive for life, they can learn to manage their often-overwhelming thoughts and feelings, better manage the overstimulation they experience, and use their powerful, sensitive mind to their advantage by embracing it to the fullest.

And, because HSPs feel things so deeply, pain is no exception.

HSPs and Their Pain Tolerance

Instead of ignoring an HSP’s experiences with pain, there is a lot to learn from it. In fact, in early research, so many highly sensitive people revealed their increased pain response that it became one of the factors used to make up the HSP scale.

Stress impacts pain threshold, and HSPs experience everything, including stress, more intensely. The reason for this could be attributed to genetic mutations found in HSPs in three neurotransmitters directly connected to stress and pain tolerance: serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. Because dopamine and norepinephrine specifically enhance our ability to process, and modulate, pain, it is crucial for these neurotransmitters to be well-balanced, research shows. 

In an HSP who is under stress, these neuro-chemicals become dysregulated, deteriorating the nervous system’s ability to cope with pain both in the short-term and long-term. Knowing there is a reason HSPs experience pain longer, and more intensely, is important for validating our experience. And knowing how to handle it is the next important step…

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How to Master Pain as an HSP

Much of what the research points to is that HSPs experience longer, and more intense, pain because stress related to pain more negatively affects our ability to cope. The good thing is, there are practical ways to circumvent the issue by empowering HSPs in the face of pain.

1. Prioritize stress management through breathing exercises and mindfulness.

In my therapy practice, an HSP client once told me the most tolerable part of childbirth was when they put an oxygen mask on her. It was not the medication or the epidural, but rather the focused breathing and oxygen that truly helped. 

When trying to manage stress, it is sometimes more important to focus on it than managing pain. One way to do this is with Mindfulness Meditation Training, which has been found to effectively improve pain tolerance after just one session. 

Furthermore, breathing in general, especially the exhalation — which triggers our parasympathetic nervous system (think rest and digest) — has an immediate impact on our perception of pain. Diaphragmatic breathing (deep belly breathing) has also been found to reduce inflammation and regulate the production of the stress hormone cortisol. And the less stress, the better (especially since we HSPs are overstimulated enough as it is!).

2. Be aware of medication tolerance, which can lead to being improperly medicated or overmedicated, and seek out alternative healthcare methods and providers. 

Just as highly sensitive people have lower threshold for pain, they may also have a lower tolerance to medication, which can result in a more intense effect, according to Judith Orloff, M.D., author of The Empath’s Survival Guide.

This can result in HSPs not finding the right balance of pain management, as there is a risk of being improperly medicated, or overmedicated, which can lead to side effects that can cause further stress in the body. 

Julie Bjelland, a psychotherapist specializing in high sensitivity, seconds this point, adding that HSPs tend to be more sensitive to medications than 80 percent of the population. 

And medication management greatly impacts sensitive people with autoimmune diseases, and other chronic illnesses, wherein there is no clear path for treatment — but, rather, consistent trial and error with treatment methods.

One option is to seek out providers experienced with HSPs who understand your complex nervous system. Or you can find providers who use integrative, and functional, techniques.

3. Validate your pain as being real and remind yourself that you deserve effective care.

Validating your pain can be a game-changer for HSPs. Because sensitive types are more aware of the mood and emotions of others, they can also sense when someone is invalidating their personal pain. Research shows that this can create a sense of isolation that further increases it. 

Research has also found that chronic pain, such as a stress state, is critical in determining depression. In other words, that feeling isolated or invalidated can increase the perception of pain.

Getting the Treatment You Deserve as an HSP in Pain

The need for validation and support is evolutionarily-driven, as we feel less stress — and a greater sense of peace — when we feel like part of a group or that we belong. What this means is that if a medical provider is gaslighting you, or invalidating you, you have the right to seek another provider. We seek pain validation from both medical providers, and other people, in our lives.

Similarly, if you are in a relationship with someone (whether it’s romantic or platonic) who does not validate your experience of pain as an HSP, you might find your pain improves when you spend less time with this person. There are people who understand where you are coming from, and who will be less judgmental and more supportive, which is exactly what you deserve.

You might like:

• Why Doctor Visits Really Are Different for Highly Sensitive People
• 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Highly Sensitive Person
• HSPs, You Might Be Suffering From Chronic Invalidation — and Not Even Know It

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The post Do Highly Sensitive People Feel Pain Longer — And More Intensely — Than Others? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

For highly sensitive people (HSPs), it can be a major undertaking to choose a career path. HSPs often desire to do work wherein they are of service to others — to follow their passion and purpose — while also not becoming overstimulated. 

Working in a “helping”/caring field — such as in the medical or psychology field — can be highly rewarding, especially to HSPs who tend to be drawn to these professions. However, it can also be a struggle, as it can be taxing to their emotional and physical health. 

In my own work as a mental health therapist, I have had to change and adjust how I work — and where I work — on more than one occasion. For me, working in inconsistent environments where I did not know what to predict (such as conducting a therapy session on the front porch of a home because my teen client was on house arrest) was entirely too much for my overstimulated nervous system to cope with long-term. 

In order to continue working in the field that I love, and to be of service to others, I had to figure out how to positively impact my work experience whenever possible. There are a number of healthy boundaries and tactics that can be used in order to accomplish this, making it possible to remain in the job or field that you care about. Here are some of the ways you can do so — and thrive in the process.

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4 Ways to Thrive Working in a Caring Profession as an HSP, According to a Therapist

1.  Protect your time — it is crucial to set healthy boundaries around it.

Choosing a career that serves others means you will often encounter requests and demands for your time and expertise. It is crucial to set healthy boundaries around when you are working and when you are not. 

One way to do this is by setting your schedule before you have a client in front of you – or by using a program that blocks out your availability. If you wait until a client is with you, it may be difficult to say “no” to appointment requests, especially because of your ability to empathize with their need or urgency. (HSPs often struggle with saying “no,” so this is a good thing to practice.) 

Another area to be mindful about is when friends or family ask you to offer your services for free. They may not be aware of what they are doing, because if you have a natural tendency to help others, it can seem natural for you to offer support and aid any time you can. 

And, as an HSP, it can be difficult to turn off the desire to help — not only because of the deep compassion highly sensitive people possess, but also due to the depth of processing abilities that often leads to problem-solving. Instead of expecting yourself to not want to help, set predetermined boundaries around when you will help and when you need a break and will not. 

2. Remember that regular self-care and “me-time” is a job requirement.

One of the most common mistakes made by highly sensitive people in the human service/caring field is not following their own advice regarding self-care. Research shows that HSPs need alone time. Yet this can be hard to achieve when work, home life, and other relationships are also demanding your attention. 

Similar to scheduling work hours, highly sensitive people need to schedule their downtime and non-work hours. Because HSPs are deeply impacted by the current mood and energy around them, it is less likely they will schedule self-care if it is not conducive to the present moment. 

To bypass this, you can try scheduling a recurring self-care appointment, such as a massage, that becomes part of your regular routine — even if you are pulled in multiple directions. 

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3. Repeat after me: You are not your job.

Highly sensitive people are deeply moved by their experiences, including deep passion about their work. While this is a benefit of being an HSP, it also means that when things are not going well at work, the stress can become all-consuming. This is because HSPs tend to internalize these issues as being a reflection of their own faults, placing blame on themselves when they cannot solve problems that negatively impact others. 

While it is incredible to have passion about your work, it does not mean it defines who you are. I love the yogic mantra, “I am not my body, I am not my mind, I am not my thoughts.” HSPs could benefit by also including the phrase, “I am not my job.” 

If it feels like stress from work has become unmanageable — which can easily lead to burnout, especially for HSPs — it can be helpful to refocus on your interests that are not related to the work that you do. What makes you feel most alive and in tune with yourself? Writing? Painting? Horseback riding? Whatever the case may be, make sure to make it a part of your life, too.

4. It is okay to say “no” to certain job tasks — and to even quit.

As HSPs, we tend to say “yes” to most things that we feel will help improve the lives of those around us. While the desire to help is benevolent, you cannot move a tank that has no fuel. If you are unable to say “no,” you will seriously struggle with burnout and the ability to continue working in a helping role for others. Plus, saying “no” sets healthy parameters with your time and energy, which are both finite resources. 

At times, saying “no” means realizing a job is not working for you and deciding to quit. Before opening my practice, I worked in almost every possible counseling setting imaginable — I needed to figure out what I did not want in order to figure out what I did. Saying “no” now provides more opportunities to say “yes” in the future.

The More You Utilize Coping Skills, the More You’ll Thrive in Your Job

Coping skills for HSPs working in caring professions all have one thing in common: Boundaries. Maintaining boundaries around time, self-care, and saying “no” are essential skills needed to keep up the drive and passion necessary to do good — and excellent — work.

These skills allow HSPs to care for their sensitivity at times when they need it most, helping to prevent burnout, reduce instances of feeling overwhelmed, and prevent compassion fatigue. Practicing these skills will also model effective self-care to others around you, allowing them to establish their own boundaries, resulting in more authentic and balanced relationships all-around. 

Please follow me on Instagram, @drameliakelley, where I explore everything HSP, as well as thriving practices for survivors of trauma and abuse. 

You might like:

• How Being an HSP Contributes to My Career as a Psychotherapist
• 7 Struggles of an HSP in a Caring Profession
• How to (Actually) Find Your Purpose as a Highly Sensitive Person

The post How to Thrive Working in a Caring Profession as an HSP, According to a Therapist appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.