Inside the modern cafe with minimalist furniture, I order my coffee and sit down to write.

Not long into the writing sesh, quite incongruously to the surroundings, SoulJa Boy begins blasting from the speakers (I’m not exaggerating —  Crank That pulses through the cafe at near-nightclub status). Hipsters shift in their seats, some darting their eyes around the room, others pulling their summer beanies over their ears to block out the noise.   

Even with my headphones on, the background noise pierces through the bridge I’m trying to build between the paper and my purest thoughts.  Senses overwhelmed — particularly since I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP) who’s more aware of their environment — I elect a more cognitively simple task to engage in until the moment passes.

Four songs in though, it still hasn’t — so I relocate to the back patio.

Back here, in lieu of Soulja Boy, I hear sparrows chirping and the soft clack of my fingers against the keyboard. The air is fresh, and a calming breeze tussles my hair. Much more my jam.   

Senses no longer hijacked, I begin entering a  “flow state,” which is something we HSPs excel at. Suffice it to say, for highly sensitive people, our environments can make or break us.

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What Is Environmental Psychology?

As a highly sensitive person who is definitely influenced by their environment, I began paying attention to the way environmental factors affect mood and productivity. I was inspired after taking an environmental psychology class while a student at  UC Davis. It was through this class that I also began to think about how modifying our environment can, in turn, improve our mental health. In fact, a  study conducted in 2010 found that “wives who consider their home cluttered had higher cortisol levels during the daytime.”

While an awareness of the field can be important for everyone’s well-being, this is especially true for HSPs, who are more sensitive to environmental stimuli. As John Montgomery, Ph.D., wrote in an article for  Psychology Today, “When we live in environments that are drastically different from the environments that we’re biologically adapted for, we become subject to various ‘evolutionary mismatch’ effects that can be extremely detrimental to our physical and emotional  health. Perhaps the most important consequence of this mismatch is that we become highly prone to being triggered repeatedly and unnecessarily into various states of ‘survival mode’ by our surroundings and circumstances.”

Factors from lighting to noise level to the comfort of furniture  can have a profound impact on well-being — especially for HSPs. 

4 Environmental Psychology Factors That Can Influence Highly Sensitive People

1. Noise level — too much can easily overstimulate HSPs

Julie Bjelland has done research on, and worked with, HSPs — and has found that we have more sensitivity to noise. To that end, one night inside a crowded bar, I found myself inadvertently pushed and shoved by taller bar-goers while I waited in line to get a drink. After finally getting one and returning to my table, I kept having to shout and repeat myself with my companion. The noise in the room had the effect of reducing our conversation to caveman language, and I found myself feeling frustrated.

So, my fellow HSPs, pay attention to your noise threshold. How much is the “right” amount? At what level do you begin to feel anxious? I’ve personally found that   too much noise can be overwhelming while just the right amount can enliven and pump energy into the interaction.

2. Lighting — many HSPs suffer from light sensitivity

In addition to writing, I work as a Spanish medical interpreter in various hospitals and clinics around the Bay Area. I find that when interpreting inside fluorescently lit rooms that have no windows, discomfort arises after more than 20 minutes, as I begin to feel like I’m inside a buzzing electrical box. I start to feel disconnected from the natural world, or like the patient and I are lab specimens inside a science experiment. Rooms with a window and natural lighting have me feeling much more at ease.  

Research, too, has found this to be true, highlighting that humans  have a strong need for safety and security, and that we look for those attributes in our environment — seeking physical comfort (i.e., an environment with the right temperature), and one that is psychologically comfortable, with a balance of familiarity and novelty.

Because many sensitive people suffer from light sensitivity, it’s good to assess what lighting you best function under and adjust your environment accordingly.

3. Proximity to the wall and window access 

Past experiences can predispose certain individuals to particular environmental triggers. For instance, many war veterans find that facing a wall while seated can spark claustrophobia, triggering visceral reminders of times during which they quite literally could not escape their physical surroundings. Conversely, facing a door or window while seated allows them to feel like they have a quick escape, should they need it.

I experienced something similar to this once at a cafe in San Jose. After having trouble relaxing back into the couch, I realized this was because its back was to the balcony.

It seems like there would be some evolutionary basis to this seemingly idiosyncratic preference. For instance, having a view of their entire surroundings protected our ancestors against potential predators, whereas when their backs were to everything, they were literally in a more vulnerable position.

Weird, Eleni. Do you really think a predator’s going to come attack you while you’re sitting there reading your Joan Didion book and drinking your cup of coffee?  I ask myself. Rationally, no. But the body sometimes follows a different logic than the mind does.

4. Ceiling height 

Look up. How high above your head is the ceiling? How are you feeling right now? What are you trying to accomplish?

I’ve found low ceilings promote the feeling of being enclosed, protected, and safe. With fewer distractions, I’m better equipped to concentrate.  A possible explanation for this is the cathedral effect, which is the relationship between perceived height of a ceiling and cognition. In other words, the perception of high ceilings enables creativity and free-thinking while low ceilings enable attention-to-detail and rational thinking. Research, too, has found this to be the case. Two associate professors believe the cognitive effects of ceiling space can be used to students’ advantages when they study. It will benefit them to go to a spacious area with high ceilings if they’re studying for something creative whereas it’s best to go to a smaller, more confined area if they have to complete a test.

 Higher ceilings, on the other hand, I’ve found work better for  creative tasks or unbridled “expansive thinking.” When I want to generate new ideas or get out of a creative rut, I head to cafes that have them. When I want to crack down, focus, and finish something, I settle into coffee shops that feel more like burrows.

It’s not always easy to gauge whether the cause for our discomfort is internal or external. When we’re off-balance for whatever reason, environmental factors that, under ordinary circumstances, may have been negligible suddenly become all too apparent and disruptive. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) To Help Feel More Comfortable in Various Environments

When we cannot escape our environment(s), a simple practice can help:  cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps people learn to identify (and challenge) maladaptive thought patterns. I was first introduced to CBT in therapy as a teenager, but didn’t begin applying it to my relationship with my tangible environment until years later, after I had an understanding of environmental psychology. 

When I’m having trouble sleeping, for instance, all of a sudden my bed may feel physically uncomfortable (even though it caused me no discomfort the night before). In this case, or if for whatever reason I can’t modify my environment, I’ll practice CBT.

Feelings aren’t always these vague, nebulous sensations that randomly take residence inside us. Many times, they’re the direct product of thoughts. Identifying those thoughts and working through them can, in turn, shift our feelings. 

An example:

I’m anxious right now. Why? Because I’m facing the wall.

What is it about facing the wall that  triggers your anxiety? I’m aware of the presence of people behind me and I can’t see what they’re doing, and that makes me feel vulnerable.

And then you can keep going with it. By doing so, you will shine light on the perceived threats and can disarm some of their power. Perhaps your mind will begin to see that the threat was exaggerated, or if not, at least begin to see them as less threatening.

If CBT Is Not Possible, Practice a Grounding Exercise

It may be inopportune or impossible to do such thorough self-analysis when directly in the moment, in which case a simple grounding exercise might suffice. In other words, direct your attention to your tangible environment.  Doing this is key for highly sensitive people since it’s so easy for us to feel overstimulated.

Naming objects and their physical characteristics inside the room (for example,  What color are the walls? Lime-green) can bring you out of your head. Now busy thinking of them, the mind replaces inward-based rumination with outward observation of concrete details.

If we compare the mind to a beehive, grounding exercises are like the flute that lulls the bees to sleep. More generally, take note of what you like about a place, and make a point of returning to environments with similar qualities. This will also help  prevent your highly sensitive soul from getting too overstimulated.

Pay attention both to your surroundings and to how you’re feeling. In what way are the chairs positioned? How close are you to a window? For instance, in one  study, when participants were closer to the window in a VR setting,  decreases in physiological stress levels were found. 

See if you can link some of these environmental factors with any anxiety, claustrophobia, or sudden lethargy you may be experiencing. When you’re calm and present, notice that, too. 

Journaling is also a helpful way for HSPs to process things, so it can help to write your environmental observations down. Here’s an example from when I did that in response to a positive experience at a cafe:

“The balance is optimal — sequenced enough that I don’t feel chaotic, overstimulated, or like things are out of control — but also with enough life to inspire me and keep the thoughts flowing. The visual variety imbues the coffee shop with its intrigue and personality. People may be less likely to think, ‘The world is boring and limiting and you always know what to expect’ when inside here. Oftentimes, loud conversation, jarring fluorescent lighting, and a high ‘person to empty space ratio’ severs the cord connecting me with my thoughts — but that wasn’t the case here.”

As an HSP, Always Stay Mindful of Your Environment

Many of us HSPs have preferences and subtle triggers, even if we’re not aware of what they are specifically. We can become more conscious in selecting a “perfect” environment once we’ve identified them.

The goal is not to hyper-focus on  every small detail and become stubborn or rigid about the environments we choose to place ourselves in. Rather, it’s to be mindful so that when we do have the option to either choose or modify our environment, we’ll be equipped to make the changes that best serve us.

Personally, I’d love to see an app called “Got Your Back, HSP” that could track how many people are currently inside a given place. It could also alert you to the current decibel rate, availability of comfy chairs, and the proximity of those comfy chairs to loud groups. Maybe someday… In the meantime, I’ll keep taking my advice above and hope you do, too.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Why Your Physical Environment Is So Important If You’re an HSP
• How Practicing a ‘Flow State’ Is Revolutionary for HSPs
• Here’s Everything Researchers Know About High Sensitivity, as of 2021

The post Why a Little Bit of Environmental Psychology Can Be Life-Changing for HSPs appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Like many highly sensitive people (HSPs), noise is a major pet peeve for me.

As a highly sensitive, introverted kid, I could think of few things more peaceful than the quiet that filled the classroom while my classmates and I shared in an introspective moment. The class chinchilla gnawing at his cage bars, and the occasional bell ringing in the distance, were pretty much the only sounds — and it was bliss.

I believed that, for many of us, what’s inside needed time, space, and gentle understanding to organize itself before it was ready to surface. So I had trouble understanding why other kids were so resistant to these moments — and to quiet in general.

This preference isn’t as niche as some people might think. Studies have shown that excess noise can be detrimental to the brain over time. Similarly, Nina Kraus, a professor of auditory neuroscience at the Auditory Neuroscience Laboratory at Northwestern University, once wrote that “hearing in noise is one of the most difficult jobs the brain has to do on a daily basis.” And, for highly sensitive people, this can be magnified even more since we get overstimulated more easily than others.

Still, how often do we, as HSPs, feel guilty for being bothered by certain stimuli because we know our annoyance either has benevolent or neutral intentions, or just can’t help itself? 

I’m all too familiar with that sort of cognitive dissonance. Particularly when it comes to noise.

Other sounds that have irritated me include everything from a baby laughing too loudly in public to traffic sounds when I’m trying to concentrate on something (or sleep).

With this said, what can we do to help reduce the intensity of some of these noise triggers that seem to be all around us? Here’s what I’ve found.

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5 Ways to Deal With Noise Sensitivity as an HSP

1. Use humor and try to look at the bright side.

Having a sense of humor and harnessing creativity — which we HSPs excel at — can make noise triggers less stressful. I did this once when out on a loud road, comparing all the cars around me to animals. At peak traffic times, we’re like rabid ants — stopping, starting, and scurrying in disarrayed confusion.

I compared the car who beeped his horn while huffily speeding past another to a sassy, impatient squirrel. And those bigger trucks — especially the ones carrying piles of precariously stacked items in their posteriors — to scary, unbalanced hippos.

I also compared cops to sharks, in that their presence seems to subdue all the nearby (car) animals. All maneuver subserviently under the shark’s punitive and threatening watch, becoming skittish and quasi-obedient. Once the shark swims away, the motley crew of motored creatures resume their previous (unruly) behavior.

And when there are noise disruptions when I stay at motels in new cities, at times, the disruption fits the theme of the town. So even if I’m waking up 10 times a night, I can at least say to myself, “I’m getting the San Diego experience,” or “Exhausted, but soaking in the essence of Lancaster.”

2. Search for the piece of control you do have over the situation.

Let’s say you’re at a cafe. You want to focus and tune in to your thoughts. You can’t, though, when the blenders are whirring, when the two people on the couch to your right are talking loudly about a girl who has six moms, and when a small boy is not just screaming, but banging his body against the countertops.

To help curb your agitation, run through what your options are. 

You could tell other people to stop ordering smoothies. You could glare at every customer (to signal disapproval) each time you hear a request for “banana pineapple dream” or “honey almond milk elixir.” You could campaign to ban smoothie production at local cafes, pointing out how they threaten the quiet and serenity of the cafe-goer experience.

You could also leave the cafe and find another one. You could create a cafe inside your own home, where you retain (for the most part) full control over noise conditions. You could try to tune out the noise with ear plugs. 

Or — you could accept the conditions, compromising on your need for quiet surroundings, and try to still put out your best work despite the lack of them. None of these options are ideal, but they’re what we have. 

We always have some control within a situation, and we can always run through our mental catalog of options and identify where that control lies. While we cannot always control our physical environment, we can try our very best to, from cafe-hopping to sleeping alone if we really need some restful sleep and our partner wakes us up a lot.

3. Immerse yourself in fiction through audiobooks.

Noise has been a common problem for me in many of my living situations — be it in Montevideo, Uruguay with 12 housemates who liked to blast Reggatone music at 3 a.m. or the apartment in the heart of San Francisco’s Mission District where garbage trucks, drunk pedestrians peeing (or puking) outside my window, and music blasting from nearby parked cars constituted the typical nighttime cacophony.

Some solid headphones delivering a fiction audiobook not only helps drown the noise out, but also calms my brain enough to not be so hypersensitive to any noise that still does make its way in.

I’ve found fictional stories provide a smooth transition into dreaming. Reading a short story or novel, all cozied up under my blankets, helps me relax, physically and mentally. If reading the newspaper is like climbing a hill, immersion into fiction is like slowly submerging one’s self into a Jacuzzi.

Recent books I’ve read that have helped guide me into sleep were The Island of Missing Trees, narrated by a sensitive and observant fig tree (I could feel my thoughts slowing down the more I got pulled into the story) and Crying in H Mart, poignant and evocative in its exploration of a nuanced, but deeply loving, mother-daughter relationship, with mouth-watering descriptions of Korean food.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Practice mindfulness, whether it’s meditating or focusing on your breath.

Noise itself isn’t the only cause of stress. It’s also the thoughts we have in response to that noise. Instead of forbidding access to these thoughts, I’ve shifted now to giving up my attachment to them, focusing on letting them flow in and then out.

You can think of your mind as a nightclub, yourself as the bouncer, and your thoughts as the guests. Rather than make your venue into a snobby, selective place, allow it to be all-inclusive. At the same time, don’t provide the guests with any compelling reason to stay. While it’s natural to feel uneasy about letting in certain characters, you can rest assured they won’t stay for very long if you don’t engage with them.

Once I adopt a more permissive mentality, the motley crew starts finding my night club lame and boring. They’re used to VIP service, so my negligence simply doesn’t appeal to them. They vacate soon enough — leaving my mind quiet, pristine, and more welcoming of sleep (which we HSPs need more of anyway!).

In short, the monkey mind — wherein thoughts run rampant — is not what’s to be feared. It’s the lingering on any one of these thoughts that we could benefit by shifting away from them. Because it’s when we’re trying too hard to control our minds that it often remains vigilant and filled with tension.

Although this may take some practice, it will work. You can try listening to a guided meditation or doing breathing exercises as a way to quiet your mind and focus on the present. That way, you can get rid of those unwanted nightclub guests.

5. Look inward — slow down and give yourself the extra care you deserve.

At times when driving over a rough road, I feel jostled around, like someone’s taking jabs at me and my car from below. Is the city’s infrastructure deteriorating? I wonder. Are the potholes proliferating? Have they not done road work since Clinton was President? 

Sometimes, the roads are getting worse — or you just happened upon a particularly bad one. Other times, it’s your own low tire pressure that’s causing your car to sink to the ground, amplifying the feel of every bump in the road. Maybe a tune-up or more air in your tires would make passing over those road bumps feel like less of an upheaval. 

Similarly, off the road, when our mental and emotional health is suffering, it can feel like everyone’s taking shots at us. How do we gauge the true source of the distress though? Are others to blame? Or is our internal machinery in need of a tune-up?

On the days we feel particularly bothered by loud noises, it might be a cue to slow down and give ourselves some extra care. You can do this through more self-care — whether that’s reading a book, taking a walk, calling an old friend — or simply by “doing nothing.”

(And if all this fails, noise-canceling headphones are well worth the investment!)

You might like:

• HSPs Often Crave Quiet. Can ‘Selective Noise’ Be Even Better?
• 10 Mental Health Game-Changers for Highly Sensitive People
• 4 Reasons Why I Love Sleeping Alone as a Highly Sensitive Person

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Deal With Noise Sensitivity as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

A bee stung me for the first time when I was 26.

Not just once, but multiple times. On the face. 

Before then, I’d never before been stung by a bee, wasp, hornet, or any of their cousins. Nevertheless, in elementary school I’d still been the girl who squirmed and fled at the mere sight of a small body buzzing yellow through the pollen-filled air. Once at the outdoor cafeteria, when it looked like a bee was keen on sharing with me, I even surrendered the entirety of my Nacho Lunchable that I’d begged my mom for weeks to buy me — leaving it behind as I relocated to a new table.

Despite how nervous bees made me, over the years I’d somehow developed the philosophy that if you leave them alone, they’ll treat you in kind. This philosophy instilled in me an almost Zen-like stillness when in their presence, allowing us to peacefully coexist while I read my book or did some yoga or watched the water flow past me at the river. I had no vigilance or anxiety whatsoever. I was chill around bees, coexisting with them in the same way I did ladybugs, butterflies, and lizards. Sometimes I’d even marvel at their beauty.

Years later it occurred to me, as I rinsed my swollen face with soap and water following the sting that day, that my seemingly wise mantra had failed to protect me — at least against this one particular wasp. I wondered whether the experience would revert me back into that petrified and bee-averse girl I’d once been. At a minimum, I knew I’d be at least a little more wary (and less Zen) around these buzzing creatures from there on out.

What I did not realize was that the stress of that experience, though uncomfortable, was actually making me better. 

This is what scientists call adaptive stress.

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What Is ‘Adaptive Stress’? 

Adaptive stress happens when a stressful or unpleasant experience causes us to become better at protecting ourselves, triggers restorative processes, or teaches us to avoid future harm. It usually happens when the initial stressor is relatively mild, like a bee sting, even if it feels serious at the time. 

We all need some level of adaptive stress in order to survive. Our ancestors heeded it as a signal to evade getting eaten by predators. Stress over a threat that is real and proven — and where there are actual steps you can take in response to it — always serves adaptive purpose.

Take the example of gluten, a real threat to those with celiac disease. Ingesting as little as 10 mg — about 1/250th of a piece of bread — can trigger vomiting, diarrhea, and autoimmune response that can potentially lead to organ failure. Yet stress over gluten can lead celiac people to avoid dining out in unsafe environments. It leads them to wash their dishes thoroughly, read labels carefully, and communicate with eating establishments in advance. Celiacs who do not take these steps are much likelier to ingest gluten and experience small intestinal damage — but most will learn from their gastrointestinal distress and start to protect themselves. 

When Is Adaptive Stress Good for HSPs? 

As highly sensitive people (HSPs), maybe you stress about finding places that won’t be noisy, or where the lighting won’t feel too harsh. Maybe this stress pushes you to research venues in advance (I know it does for me). For example, with dating, as an HSP who is sensitive to environmental stimuli I can never predict what factors such as lighting, noise levels, smells would be like at the place my date and I chose to meet. To help with this I’d try to arrive early, so that I could scope out the place and choose a seat where I’d be most comfortable. Dimmer lighting, relative quiet, comfy furniture — every HSP is different, but these are things known to soothe us.

Stress also pushes me to be more conscientious about the people I choose to surround myself with — preferably people who will understand and be considerate of my needs. (I once lived in a household that called my noise sensitivity “dramatic.”). We HSPs are used to encountering dismissal when making requests that others downplay or don’t understand (especially our noise, light, and fragrance triggers). Some people even respond to bids for reasonable accommodations as attacks, or as limits to their personal freedom. Maybe they think we’re just nitpicking, or maybe they don’t realize just how profound an impact seemingly “minor” issues actually have our wellbeing. 

Thus, being choosy about our friends and the company we keep becomes necessary to protect our energy. As psychologists Hans Veiel and Urs Baumann write, “Perceiving greater support from friends is associated with a greater sense of purpose and control over one’s life.” Other researchers have found that social approval is one of the biggest drivers of self esteem — and self esteem is especially important to HSPs, as it helps unlock the sensitive boost effect.

In each of these examples, some amount of stress pushes us to make choices that increase the likelihood of a positive experience for ourselves. We just have to be open to learning from our unpleasant experiences. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Not All Stress Is Good Stress

Stress about things over which you have no control is less constructive. If it’s preventing you from functioning and focusing on the tasks of daily life, or if it’s interfering with your sleep, you can consider this “maladaptive stress.”

Worrying excessively about what people think of you or whether your boundary upset someone, for example, are things that we HSPs sometimes do. And yet these worries are things we only have minimal control over. Therefore our stress and vigilance would be better diverted to somewhere more constructive. It’s not easy, but this is where it’s time to break out the techniques that help you change your train of thought and soothe your anxiety. 

Likewise, extremely big stressors are seldom adaptive — at least not in the short term. A major injury, being mugged, losing a loved one, or a nasty divorce are all examples of stressors that are overwhelming rather than adaptive. Yes, you might gain some insight from them a few years down the line, but you’re also likely to carry trauma from them. You don’t have to force yourself to find a silver lining. Instead, focus on the things that are under your control, and get the therapy you need to recover from your trauma and minimize long-term effects. 

How to Recognize and Use Adaptive Stress — Without Overwhelming Yourself 

I think that much as it may inconvenience us at times, some level of stress is there to help us make better choices. Accepting that is the first step in making use of it, and helps establish the growth mindset you need to get the most out of adaptive stress. 

Then, when you do run into stress that you can learn from, take it slowly. Use baby steps. Take time to think about what changes you can make to prevent or overcome the situation in the future. 

Personally, for a few months following the sting, I couldn’t be near bees at all. Then I could, but only for short periods, and never with the ability to pay full attention to whatever activity I was engaging in. Half of it would be keeping continual tabs on the bee, monitoring its movements, tracking its changes — highly attuned to any indication that it would attack.

A bit later on, I started to relax slightly (but not fully). I’m still at this point with bees. Eventually I’ll relax more. Maybe one day I’ll be able to go back to my Zen-like calm, but maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just be a little cautious. 

I’ve decided this slight amount of vigilance is necessary and okay. When it comes to my celiac disease, I wish I didn’t have to stress about minuscule amounts of gluten. I would like to believe people who say I should be more relaxed about my condition. It’s just that I don’t believe what they’re peddling. Life as a celiac HSP— or life as a person in general — will never be easy or completely free from stress. My body is highly sensitive when it comes to gluten and other provocations.

And I’m okay with that. The stress I feel doesn’t degrade or detract from my quality of life — in fact, I know it’s improving my life by protecting me from harm.

I think this is true for all sensitive people. Whether your adaptive stress is over celiac disease, noise triggers, or overstimulating environments, you get to decide what amount of vigilance is healthy. Not anyone else. 

There’s a great deal of freedom in that. 

You Might Like:

• How Unhealed Trauma Affects Highly Sensitive People
• How Being a Highly Sensitive Person Affects Your Body Physically 
• 16 Ways to Calm the Heck Down When You’re a Highly Sensitive Overthinker

The post Is Some Stress Actually Good for HSPs? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

The patient I’d been assigned to interpret for — a woman around 40 years old — was sobbing, and had been since I arrived at the office. Her caretaker looked over at me, her face at once apologetic and slightly embarrassed.

The doctor was running 40 minutes late to our appointment and had triggered anxiety in this patient. As we waited for him, she wailed to her caretaker in Spanish, “You can never rely on anyone. He told us to be here at 9:30. We got here at 9:30. We did what we were told, and now where is he?”

I would learn that, two years ago, this woman had been run over by a forklift while working. She now lived with chronic pain — like the majority of my patients did.

As we waited for the doctor, the patient talked about waking every morning with an intense pain in her head. The pain lingered through the day. It would not leave her alone (even though she did everything she was told). She followed the recommended exercises. She took her meds as prescribed. She waited. She tried to grasp onto some leaf of hope, even with all the roots and branches of struggle that stood in its way, blocking access to it. 

But the pain wouldn’t budge. It woke her up various times throughout the night. Her ears rang loudly, constantly. She just wanted to be able to sleep. Why couldn’t the doctors do something to make it go away? She felt like no one cared.

Standing up from her seat, she frantically paced the room. A model of the spine perched against the counter rattled as she walked. She opened the door forcefully, declaring, “No quiero estar encerrada!” (“I don’t want to be trapped!”). Tears fell down her face even more.

Not Getting an Apology Makes Us Feel Unseen and Unheard

As an highly sensitive person (HSP) who’s struggled with depression, among other mental health issues, my heart went out to her. There have been moments when I, too, have felt like no one cared (even if I could rationally tell myself this wasn’t true). There have been times I’d felt let down by people (even though this probably wasn’t their intention). There were also times I’d felt like a mouse inside the cage of a particular situation (similar perhaps to how the patient had felt entrapped inside that room). 

And we highly sensitive people feel things more so than most, so I would be quite upset, too, if I were in the woman’s shoes. And because we feel things so deeply, we tend to take things more personally than others might, as well. So not getting an apology could make us feel disrespected (among other things).

The doctor arrived, and we had our appointment. At the end of it, as he began to walk away, the patient spoke up, “Llegaste tarde y no es justo para nosotros.” (“You came very late and it’s not fair to us.”)

I thought back to a doctor who’d once arrived two hours late to another appointment I was interpreting (the receptionist said this was his pattern, not an anomaly). That doctor, wearing a colorful shirt and a goofy demeanor, launched right in without any acknowledgement of the time we’d spent waiting. 

When the patient and I spoke up about it, the doctor’s response was to launch into a speech about the importance of his work and his high case load.

All of what he said was valid — I knew he had his reasons for arriving late, and the patient and I weren’t saying he was evil or a bad person. Rarely is this the intention behind calling someone out. I just knew that both the patient and I would have felt more respected if he could have offered even a brief “sorry to keep you waiting” — rather than nothing at all. 

As Psychologist Harriet Lerner writes in her book, Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, “Sometimes, the failure of the other person to apologize when they should hits us harder than the deed they should apologize for.”

But back to the late doctor…

“Doctors like me provide people like you with a job,” he went on to say. He asked us if we’d ever been inside a doctor’s office before. He asked me if we ‘knew how they worked.’”

I braced myself now for a similarly dismissive and defensive reply. I waited for this doctor to say that none of his other patients took issue with his tardiness. They all understood — why couldn’t this patient offer similar understanding?

But to my surprise, he didn’t dismiss her. Nor did he try to defend himself. Rather than argue with the distressed woman, he simply looked her in the eye and apologized.

Wow. Impressive.

The Importance of a Good Apology, Especially for Highly Sensitive People

Women tend to over-apologize more so than men. Once, I heard a friend apologize to two guys for spilling water on them (water!) — even though the reason she had was because some guy had bumped her from behind, forcing the cup out of her hand. 

Throughout my own life, I’ve even apologized to inanimate objects (!), like purses, trash bags, GPSes, and a number of others — sometimes in words, other times with body language, in a physical gesture that communicates the “sorry.”

Point being, all of us crave a meaningful apology — not just a surface-level one, but the kind that clears the air. The kind that takes ownership and accountability. The kind that expresses empathy. And, again, since we HSPs feel things more deeply, it really impacts us when we don’t get the heartfelt apology we’re seeking. (And when we do, we feel so seen and heard and really appreciate it.)

“When someone offers me a genuine apology, I feel relieved and soothed. Whatever anger and resentment I may still be harboring melts away,” Lerner also writes in her book.

A genuine apology requires seeking to understand the other person’s experience. We pause to consider why they might feel the way they do. We may have had our reasons for doing or saying “x” thing, perhaps even very good ones. Yet despite those good intentions, we still are able to acknowledge the unintended negative consequences. We’re willing to accommodate for the validity of both our own intentions and the other person’s reality. 

Case in point, the kind doctor could have brought up the (valid point) that medical professionals have very busy schedules. He could have explained that the two appointments before ours were complicated cases requiring extra time. But he didn’t. And in my mind, achieving this took the ability to summon compassion for the patient’s distress, while momentarily setting aside his ego.

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A Good Apology Does Not Include ‘But’

Lerner, in an episode of NPR’s Life Kit, has described a good apology as “when we take clear and direct responsibility without a hint of evasion, blaming, obfuscation, excuse-making, and without bringing up the other person’s crime sheet.”

According to her, a good apology doesn’t include the word “but” — rather, it offers to make amends and also does not overdo it. (This one’s hard for me. I tend to like giving long explanations; I think it’s the writer in me.)

Additionally, the words alone won’t cut it. Lerner says it needs to be backed up with corrective action. For instance, a former housemate’s apology for breaking my bike after borrowing it didn’t do much to mend our relationship. Even after she said, “I’m sorry,” she still took no steps to fix the bike thereafter.

And lastly, a good apology doesn’t ask for anything — not forgiveness, and not an apology in return.

How Being Rational Plays a Role in Apologizing vs. Being Reactive

Life-long conditioning and observing others’ behavior teach many of us to react in the opposite way from how this kind doctor did. Instead, people tend to respond to “irrational” bursts of emotion using logic and reason. In that way, they insist on the rightness (or goodness) of one’s intentions as a way of blotting out the possibility of an unintended negative impact.

In the media, for example, rarely does the wrongdoer take accountability using words that convey self-reflectiveness and introspection. Instead we’ve become used to hearing canned, generic, and succinct “apologies” from high-profile transgressors.

The dismissive doctor was funny. He spoke animatedly, his tone facetious. He gestured extravagantly when he talked. His voice bounced. Words cartwheeled from his mouth and into the air between us to deliver the explanation. But unwillingness to take accountability, even when its absence is cushioned between jokes and facetiousness, is still unwillingness to take accountability.

Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., wrote about apologizing in Psychology Today, and says it’s good to keep a few things in mind, including being clear on what you’re apologizing for; not to apologize just as a means to an end (i.e., not just because you want something from the other person in return); being aware that there’s a difference between explaining and justifying; truly listening to the other person; and being empathetic as well as remorseful (and we all know HSPs are big on empathy).

Personally, when I give an apology that I really mean, and the other person does too, I feel cleaner inside. It feels like we grow closer. It feels like necessary relationship maintenance.

Genuine apologies start with setting aside the ego. They continue with willingness to question the responses we’ve always unquestioningly accepted as the “right” (or only) way, and replacing them with something new. Hopefully, they end with the other person feeling heard, and your connection strengthening as a result.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

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You might like:

• ‘Sorry, Not Sorry’: 9 Ways for HSPs to Stop Apologizing
• The Importance of Going to Therapy as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Are More Prone to Relationship Anxiety

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The post This Is What a Real Apology Looks Like (And Why They’re So Hard to Get) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

As highly sensitive people (HSPs), it can be hard for us to filter out distractions — especially when we’re in environments with a lot of stimuli. Many factors vie for our attention at the same time, which can make us more overstimulated than usual and make it difficult to focus. That said, work and productivity can come as challenges.

I’ve struggled with concentration for much of my life. It’s only been in more recent years that I’ve finally figured out the habits that have worked best for me and my HSP brain. Here’s how I’ve learned to work — and be productive — as a highly sensitive person.

7 Work and Productivity Tips for HSPs

1. Make the items on your to-do list as specific as possible — specificity is your friend. 

When studying for my medical Spanish certification test a couple years ago, some of my specific to-do list items were: “Write 10 practice sentences using Spanish medical terminology”; “Record one interpretation”; “Make a list of any words you don’t know, then look up definitions.” 

These proved significantly more effective than more generic and nondescript former list items, such as “Work on Spanish” (On what aspect, specifically?); “Write” (Write how much? Write what?); or “Edit psych entry” (What will you be specifically looking out for when you edit?).

As I came to find out, specificity doesn’t have to be oppressive; you can always move from one task to another if you find yourself stuck — even though single-tasking works very well for HSPs. And, by providing a concrete measure, specificity even makes it easier to do this. You’re less likely to linger with a vague feeling of discontent (during which you may incessantly ask yourself “Did I do enough?”) 

Despite my having once considered the ritual of to-do listing to be too tedious and regimented, after repeating it a few times, I felt like it was helping — and even empowering — me. Since HSPs may be more prone to distraction and overwhelm than your average person, specific to-do lists are something that can help reduce that overwhelm and give us a sense of control. 

Every time you start getting too stuck in your head, it’s harder to feel lost or adrift when you know there’s a life raft — in the form of a physical plan — waiting to drag you out.

2. Break your to-do list into smaller tasks and complete a little at a time.

This especially applies to work you’ve been putting off or tasks that are not inherently enjoyable. HSPs are particularly prone to overwhelm when confronted by large tasks. When I tell myself I have to finish a big project in one sitting, the document will remain empty. Time anxiety is real! And my mind enters paralysis. If I focus on smaller segments, however, the larger project (an essay, in this case), gradually and incrementally writes itself. 

Taking breaks from big assignments to restore some of your cognitive juices — without abandoning them entirely — can be extraordinarily beneficial. Sometimes, doing “nothing” is the best “something.”

3. Temporarily postpone, or abandon, tasks that aren’t time-sensitive.

Often why I linger on a task, it’s because I’ll start to think thoughts like, “This sounds bad,” “I’m not happy with how that turned out,” or “I could have done a lot better.” I carry these thoughts with me into the next task, which affects my performance on that one, too — and so on. (We HSPs tend to be very hard on ourselves!) This chain reaction then culminates in a feeling of mediocrity or a nagging sense of having fallen short of my full potential. 

Instead, what if we said, “Maybe I didn’t do my best (on that), but that’s okay — it’s fine to move on to another task, and maybe tomorrow when I come back to the original task, the energy will flow better.” After all, once HSPs get into a “flow state,” it’s hard to get us out of it!

Think of it like making a clean cut. The peaceful and tidy detachment from the task (and by extension, the negative feelings it brings) will allow you to retain full energy to embark on the next one. By the end of the day, you’ll feel more accomplished — even after those initial self-doubting thoughts threatened to derail you.

4. Choose your environment carefully, and modify it when you can.

Surroundings can have a huge effect not just on your overall mood, but also on productivity. This is especially true for HSPs — environmental psychology really affects us. 

For example, sound is a big trigger for me, and often is for other highly sensitive people, as well. No matter how calming the physical space I’m in, noise level above my preferred threshold interferes with my ability to engage with my work. I also struggle more in brightly-lit or cluttered places, and feel claustrophobic when facing (or seated directly next to) a wall. 

Some people’s preferences also vary depending on the task they’re working on. When I want to be creative and expand my thinking, a little background noise is tolerable (and even conducive) to generativity. But when I’m focused on a very specific or linear problem, I need complete silence. 

So hone in on the environmental factors that help you to feel most comfortable and effective as an HSP. Then, if possible, make it a point to return to (or recreate) those places as often as you can.

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5. Give yourself incentives and rewards — but with boundaries.

After putting in three hours of studying for my medical interpreting test, I worked out at the gym for an hour. Afterwards, I indulged in lunch at one of my favorite spots, Bissap Baobab, a Senegalese restaurant in downtown Oakland. HSPs feel things so deeply, including through eating and other sensory experiences — they can bring forth a strong rush of positivity.

I do recommend instilling balance into your rewards, though — and to allocate them mindfully. Positive reinforcement can (and should) take a different, healthier form than mindless indulgence. In other words, don’t choose prizes that might derail you. Instead, select them carefully so that they provide motivation to repeat the desired behavior in the future.

6. Work when you can give it your full attention.

Back when I worked as a rideshare driver, I switched locations frequently, spending a lot of time in my car and many hours on the move. Wanting to still make progress on my blogging and writing goals, while driving, I would record voice memos that I planned to later transcribe into blog entries. Basically, I tried to “write” and drive at the same time.

Sometimes the circumstances would align — for instance, you can hear me honking at a Mercedes that changed into my lane without signaling, as I “write” about the underlying issues that defensiveness in relationships might point to. Though I thought I was accomplishing two tasks at once — commuting while also working toward my writing goals — I ended up with content that sounded scattered and all over the place. It was not thoughtful and it did not flow.

Reading it after converting it to written form gave me a headache. I realized that, more than having made progress on writing goals, I’d merely given myself a greater number of messes to clean up. Voice memos work great for concrete and logistical reminders, I decided, but I needed to actually write when I made the time to sit down and do so.

So now when I write, I make sure I am in a quiet place, sitting down, and actually writing (as opposed to talking into a phone while my mind half-focuses on another task — remember what I said about single-tasking above?). I notice a much higher quality in content and sentence structure when I follow this routine. I believe that the highest quality work often comes when you give your subject your full attention. As HSPs, we are passionate, but can easily become derailed or sidetracked when we don’t mindfully set aside time for specific goals.

7. Consider freelancing — but be mindful of the benefits  of staying in one place and not over-planning your day.

Toward the end of college, I’d always just assumed I’d have to work a standard 9-to-5 job in an office. Driving for a rideshare service showed me there were alternative options, eventually paving the way for me to make more money and use some of the skills I’d learned in college via becoming a medical interpreter.

Overall, freelancing allows me to work in shorter bursts, which is perfect for my HSP temperament. With my freelancer schedule, I have breaks in between assignments, during which I can recharge and regroup. And the emotional and cognitive space freed up by this lifestyle has allowed me to be more present with each activity. 

Not having a boss constantly monitoring my output gives me necessary breathing room, which is good for my mental health. I like getting to set my own schedule, and revel in the knowledge that I’m entirely in charge, on call to no one but myself.

Keep in mind, though, that frequently changing locations can have a negative impact on achieving flow states. When I taught English as a freelancer in Uruguay, the fact that the classes were each no longer than an hour, and spaced out throughout the day, made it harder to enter a state of unbroken focus with my work. Staying in one place is much more conducive to this, however.

So see what works best for you, so you can be as productive as can be as an HSP!

And I’d love to know, my fellow HSPs, what would you add to the list above? Feel free to comment below!

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• How Practicing a ‘Flow State’ Is Revolutionary for HSPs
• ‘Single-Tasking’ Is the Most Important Change an HSP Can Make at Work
• How ‘Doing Nothing’ Does Something Big for HSPs

The post Work and Productivity Tips That Actually Work for HSPs appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

The need for personal space is somewhat universal. In 2018, Michael Graziano, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Princeton University, as well as the author of The Spaces Between Us: A Story of Neuroscience, Evolution, and Human Nature, wrote about it in The Atlantic. He said, “Everyone has a personal space, an instinctive protective zone. We’re always jostling to maintain our own space and to navigate around others’, and the honeycomb of abutting spaces forms the scaffold of our social world.”

For highly sensitive people (HSPs), this need is likely more pronounced. Our physical environment is very important to us — the more overstimulating, the worse it is (for both our emotional and physical states). So we tend to need our space to recharge and recalibrate to a higher degree than your average person. 

Since childhood, I can recall having had greater personal space needs than those around me. When people got too close, or wouldn’t respect my need for personal space, I’d shut down. It would creep me out and give me the heebie-jeebies.

Similarly, on a date once, it was hard for me to focus on what the woman was saying. My brain kept declaring its desire for her to move further away. Something didn’t feel right about her body language and how close to me she was standing, this person I’d only just met.

I’d also experienced the same feeling in my car as a Lyft driver, right after passengers (usually men) jumped into the front seat and attempted immediate conversation with only two feet of distance separating our faces. I felt uncomfortable when they did this — especially late at night. Two feet away from me is too close, too soon.

The Research Behind Personal Space

In the 1990s, neuroscientists discovered that peripersonal neurons are the brain cells that fire when objects are in close proximity to our bodies. To that point, Graziano also said in his article:

“In my own experiments, I came to call them bubble-wrap neurons. They monitor invisible bubbles of space, especially around the head and torso, and when they rev up, they trigger defensive and withdrawal reflexes. In the past 10 years, these networks in the human cerebral cortex have been linked to social behavior. They coordinate the unconscious, hidden dance of personal space, computing a margin of safety and nuancing our movements and reactions to others. The mechanism works so smoothly that we don’t usually notice it.”

Of course, “space”’ can be a broad concept. Beyond physical space and environmental psychology, space violation can take the form of demands on your time or the expectation to be available. Graziano said it’s common behavior, yet usually not done in a calculated way. And a study from 2019 also found that when someone’s personal space is violated, it’s associated with discomfort.

If someone is repeatedly dominating a conversation, for example, that’s (in some sense) a violation of conversational space. It can feel like a trampling or hogging of your emotional energy and bandwidth as an HSP.

We probably all know that person who often dominates conversations, asking very few questions about us and generally using the dialogue as a space for their own venting and need for processing. They can do this in person, as well as via text or email. In a way, they’re energy vampires, sucking our highly sensitive souls dry.

And because we HSPs are so empathic, we might be more accustomed to scenarios like these. Providing a listening ear comes naturally to us, and some people take advantage of  it — and they’re probably not even aware they’re doing so. We’re already bombarded with overstimulation, and someone taking up our emotional, and physical, space can easily become overwhelming for sensitive people.

How to Make Room for More Personal Space 

Sometimes, making room for more personal space doesn’t even require a conversation. Lifestyle adjustments can help us live in alignment with our needs.

For instance, unless I know them extremely well, I have a hard time taking trips with people, or even carpooling with them. So for a while, I’d take my own car to events so that I could leave whenever I wanted to. Knowing that I had an out (should I have needed it) gave me peace of mind. I’ve heard other HSPs express similar sentiments — since reducing overstimulation and overwhelm is key for us.

Other examples include how I choose tables with a fair amount of distance from other restaurant patrons. If someone is sitting too close to me, I scoot my chair back. I also try to be careful about pacing when it comes to dating, to reduce the likelihood of “too close, too soon” alarm bells sounding. And yet another adjustment I made was discontinuing Lyft driving, in part because the job wasn’t sustainable for someone with personal space issues.

I overheard a Lyft passenger say this once: “To take care of me, I gotta be alone. No one else can be around. Otherwise, I can’t hear what I’m thinking. And I do a bunch of stupid stuff because I’m just so separated from who I really am. I’m like, well, if I can’t hear what I’m saying to myself, my only other option is to listen to what everyone else is telling me to do. F*&% that.”

Like that passenger, many HSPs thrive in places that allow us the space to hear our own thoughts. When we can’t, it’s unnerving. For me personally, it feels like an invisible cord between my mouth and my mind has been cut.  Personal space helps me feel more grounded.

Nature is also a common recharge space for sensitive people. I frequently spend time at a redwood grove by my house. I’ve also driven until my surroundings became unfamiliar and I felt as though I’d been transported into a different world. This, too, can help soothe highly sensitive people’s souls in terms of getting more personal (and emotional and physical) space.

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Communicating Your HSP Need for Space to Others

Sometimes, getting our personal space needs met requires a conversation, or explicitly stating it. In other words, being direct. This can be difficult for HSPS, though, since we may feel like we’re being “rude” or hurting someone’s feelings if we’re direct with them. Even though, the reality is, we really wouldn’t be. Being direct is often the best approach and can be done politely.

Otherwise, by not stating our needs — particularly in the direct aftermath of conflict with someone — it can cross the line into stonewalling, which can be painful for the other person. As Steven Stosny, Ph.D., and founder of CompassionPower, writes in an article for Psychology Today, “Different from an occasional timeout to calm down or collect your thoughts, stonewalling is absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.”

Naturally, stonewalling and avoidance are harmful to relationships. As Dr. John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, said, “The second behavior that predicts divorce with over 90% accuracy is stonewalling.”

We can try to be mindful that stonewalling, and putting up a shield, is not the same as setting boundaries. The latter, and the compassion that comes with setting them, involves deep attunement to one’s inner self and others. Shields are the opposite — they are reactive and autopilot-esque as opposed to proactive and mindful.

It’s a fine balance to strike, because it’s also easy to swing to the other end of the extreme and veer into aggression. If you need more personal space — in any form — consider saying something like the following.

• If you need some alone time, you can say: “I’m going to need a few hours to myself. I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you during that time. Afterwards, I’ll be able to be more present with you when we spend time together.”

• If you need some physical space, you can say: “I feel claustrophobic when others are too close to me. Would you mind scooting your chair back?”

• In response to the “hogging of conversational space” example above, you can say: “I enjoy hearing about what’s going on in your life, but I’d like to talk about what’s going on in mine, too.”

Notice that, in all of the above, I use “I” statements. That way, you don’t blame the other person for how you’re feeling, but take accountability for it instead (which will make them less defensive if they do take your need for space personally). 

How You Communicate Your Need for Space Differs From Person to Person

How you communicate your need for space also depends largely on personal style. For me, the closer I am with a person, the more of an explanation I tend to want to provide them with. I like to help them understand that it’s not personal. An explanation will also help them get a clearer understanding of my need rather than just taking in a vague statement that might sound like an excuse.

Maybe you’re more comfortable saying less, though —  especially if this is someone you don’t know as well. In that case, you can keep it brief. Like with anything, practice makes perfect, and it will get easier the more you do it.

Taking space is a need like any other. It’s one that we have to honor sometimes in order to reinstate our equilibrium or go back to functioning as our optimal, most grounded sensitive selves. 

When I come back from those getaways I mentioned above, for instance, I feel recharged. I feel more like me. I’m reconnected to myself once I’ve honored my needs, no longer feeling like I’m floating away into the ether.

Taking personal space allows us to become more clear about how we really think and feel, unswayed by how others may want us to feel. Afterwards, we’re better able to reenter into an interaction or situation with a clearer head and diminished reactivity.

We can take space for ourselves, and become more comfortable communicating this need to others. All the while, it will help nourish our highly sensitive souls and help them stay intact — which is the whole goal. It will not only benefit us, but others, as well. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Why Your Physical Environment Is So Important If You’re an HSP
• Why a Little Bit of Environmental Psychology Can Be Life-Changing for HSPs
• 4 Reasons Why HSPs Are the Best at Reading Body Language

The post Why HSPs Need More Personal Space (And How to Get People Out of It) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Navigating life as an LGBTQ+ person who is also highly sensitive can be challenging. We experience invalidation of our identities by a heteronormative society (a world which largely views heteroosexual pairings as “the norm”). There is ambiguity and less of a script to follow in dating. Personal space violations occur when two women are out on a date together.

And yet there is also so much joy that comes from the experience. Aspects of it allow more richness and beauty into our lives. Our history of oppression and otherness makes the joy we experience all the more meaningful, for instance. Power and solidarity comes from chosen queer family and finding people who just get you.

As author Carolina de Robertis put it in an interview I had with her over Zoom, “To bravely resist the forces that would wish us to be diminished — that’s a real part of living as a queer person in this society. But another reality about queer existence is that it’s so beautiful, and so joyful.”

Here are some of the beauty these intersections of identity have brought to my life, as well as some of the challenges I’ve faced as a queer HSP.

3 Amazing Things About Being a Queer HSP

1. You get a major ‘boost’ from your chosen queer family.

Over the years, I’ve heard people say they “don’t see sexuality.” While I know it comes from a good place — they mean to say that they hold no prejudice — at times it feels invalidating because LGBTQ+ experiences are different. The way society regards my partner and me, as well as the unique challenges we face, differs. The recognition that sexism is amplified when two women are navigating the world together (as opposed to just one, or a female with a male partner) also sets our experiences apart.

Other queer people just get this. With them we don’t need to explain ourselves; they’ve been through it. There’s an unspoken understanding which can help to heal some of the past hurts, and even traumas.

My first gay friend was one I met in study hall in high school. We became friends almost instantly. There was an easy comfort and camaraderie between us. I remember we’d take trips to the bookstore Borders, where we’d spend hours in the Gay section, thumbing through stories of same-sex love that we both desperately wished to assume leading roles in. But, for the time being, this felt as though we could only experience it vicariously, side by side, with our backs against those bookshelves. 

In college, my world began to overflow with queer friends and acquaintances from different walks of life. Many HSPs find similar delight and comfort in having a chosen family. While others may say we’re “too sensitive” or that our emotions are “too much,” our fellow HSPs just “get” us. 

2. Queer joy — and pride — can light up your entire being.

In the early 1970s, the homophile movement emerged to promulgate the message “Gay is Good” (inspired by the Black Pride Movement). It encouraged gay affirmative therapies — whose goal was not to change, but find happiness with one’s orientation — over gay conversion therapies.

Many of us find ourselves embracing this ethos the more we step into our queer identities. Years before college, I never could have imagined that such a varied community of beautiful LGBTQ+ individuals awaited me later on. Little by little as the years passed, pride replaced shame — and, by now, the shame is entirely gone. Joy has replaced it.

My first Pride event back in 2010 epitomizes this feeling of boundless joy. I remember gallivanting with queer friends across San Francisco’s Civic Center lawn while the Backstreet Boys performed. The sun shone down and the cold beers were plentiful. It felt nothing short of glorious.

As HSPs, we’re good at taking in the positive. We experience both the good and the bad with all of our senses – we absorb others’ emotions whether we want to or not. The negative can feel obliterating sometimes, but when the positive presents itself, it can light up our entire being.

3. The experiences you share with your community lead to incredibly deep connection.

I feel like I’ve had wonderful, finishing-each-other’s-sentences types of chemistry with many of the women I’ve dated. We talk about our purpose, passions, hopes, and dreams. We talk about what we were like as kids. They know things about me that I’ve never told anyone. The same in reverse. Our conversations have often left both my mind and heart on fire after we parted ways. 

Maybe you feel this way with your LGBTQ+ partner. Like spending time with them is just so easy. There are so many aspects of your experience that they just understand automatically. Less of a chasm separates you. 

It’s also more likely, given gendered socialization, that your partner emotes freely (exceptions always exist, of course, and this isn’t a hard and fast rule). She knows how it feels to be told she’s “too emotional.” She hasn’t been taught to suppress it to the same extent that men have. Maybe because of this, she’s likely to be more understanding of your expression of emotion.

And we highly sensitive people thrive on deep connection with others. The same way we may have hid our queer identity, we’ve tried to hide our sensitive nature… until, one day, we embrace it instead of shun it. 

But being a queer HSP is not always easy…

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4 Challenges of Being a Queer HSP

1. Family rejection and biased assumptions

We all want to be seen, HSPs especially so. When we’re not, it’s painful — particularly when that invalidation comes from family. Though my own parents responded acceptingly, many people I have loved, been close to, or known more peripherally have experienced far harsher reception after coming out.

Beyond more extreme examples of outright rejection or refusal to speak to their child, parental rejection can (and often does) occur in subtler ways. As lesbian author Sarah Schulman wrote inher book, Ties That Bind: Familial Homophobia and Its Consequences, “Many gay people will say that their families are ‘fine.’ But when you ask for details, this means, basically, that the gay person hasn’t been completely excluded from family events. Or that their partner, if they have one, is allowed in the house. Very few experience their personhood, to be actively understood as equal to the heterosexual family members.”

This is devastating for everyone, but especially for HSPs. It creates cognitive dissonance. It creates a need to hide, compartmentalize, and tamp down the full range of who we are. How often have we been told to do this in other realms of our lives, especially in the context of our feeling “too much” and intense emotional experiences?

To this end, in The Coffey Times, they wrote how Matthew Weissman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., works predominately with gay teens and adults — and how most of his patients struggle with some form of internalized homophobia. The root cause? Typically the home environment. 

2. There’s misogyny and objectification when two women are together.

Everything from minor come-ons to blatant harassments are unfortunate aspects of the lesbian date experience. We’re subject to constant space violations just from the mere fact of being a woman dressed up in public out with another woman. And we highly sensitive people like our personal space and HSP sanctuaries!

There’s also always the risk that this supposedly harmless behavior could escalate into more. At times, I’ve even felt like I’ve had to fear for my physical safety when walking next to a woman. One night, for example, a man followed a woman and me out of a bar and continued trailing us for several blocks. I remember feeling unsettled and unsure what to do. We were both short women (under 5’4”), without any Pepper Spray on us. Luckily, he eventually stopped, but still…

This often had me asking myself: How do you date in peace if it feels too soon for private venues, and public ones are open territory for constant interruption and space violation?

3. There’s a legacy of trauma within the community, which can create more stress in romantic relationships.

Families rejecting their LGBTQ+ kids, years of internalized or repressed homophobia, and a myriad of other things can create more stress than usual in a romantic relationship.

As a kid, I could fill endless pages of my diary with the foods I’d eaten that day — but when it came to my gay feelings, the most I could manage was to dance around the label. I’d take three pages to basically say “I have a crush on this girl” without actually saying it explicitly.

The shame that comes with being a queer kid in high school — especially back when it wasn’t as accepted, like in the early 2000s — can eat away at you. Like many, I grappled with internalized homophobia.

Even if we’d had an accepting family, none of us are completely impervious to the scars left behind by our collective history. Psychiatrists like Richard von Krafft-Ebing described homosexuality as a “degenerative sickness.” Until as late as 1973, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the handbook often used by clinicians, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists, listed it as a psychiatric disorder. 

Many of us carry some of this with us, at least to a certain degree. Research shows that mental health struggles are high in the LGBTQ+ community. HSPs already navigate intense emotional experiences. With more collective trauma to work through than the general population (this is not to say life is easy for anyone) — if not dealt with or worked through, we might find ourselves with a higher amount of relational stressors (through no fault of our own).

4. Gendered socialization makes the courting process less straightforward — for women, at least.

The courting phase of dating, or even meeting women to date to begin with, can be another challenge for us queer femmes. Due to heteronormative socialization, I think it’s generally harder for women than it is for men to act upon their desires (if not for anything more than years of muscle memory). We’re used to being courted. Society tells us to wait and attract. So what happens when both of you are women?

Once when a woman and I were in her hot tub on our third date, neither her nor I was initiating anything physical. That she was giving no signs of overt interest (in her body language or demeanor) confused me, because I’d thought that was why she’d invited me over in the first place.

Another example: It took almost five months (after initially meeting) for my college girlfriend and me to begin dating, too — and I probably never would have made a move had it not been for our mutual gay guy friend playing matchmaker.

As Soleil Ho facetiously put it in an article in the San Francisco Chronicle, “lesbian sheep syndrome” is a term that refers to “a common situation where two women are attracted to each other but, due to a combination of overthinking things and, at times, internalized homophobia, neither acts on that attraction.”

Similarly, as HSPs, we have a tendency to get caught up in our minds’ scuffle and clamor. This can lead to a flurry of brain activity when trying to read someone’s intentions, or pick up on their body language and nonverbal cues. (Are they apprehensive because they’re not into you, or because they haven’t been with a woman before and feel awkward?) The ambiguity and uncertainty can amplify distressing emotions and put our overthinking brains into overdrive.

If you are LGBTQ+ and also identify as HSP, know that you are not alone. The experience may not be convenient, but there is also so much beauty that comes with it. I believe things will continue to get better with time, as LGBTQ+ acceptance, as well as HSP acceptance, increases at the same time that our collective emotional literacy does with every new generation.

And, later this month, I look forward to celebrating my 12th year of Pride in San Francisco. Wherever you are in the country or world, I wish you all a Happy Pride Celebration, as well.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 7 Ways to Adapt — and Embrace — Being a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why ‘Community Care’ Is Just as Important for HSPs as Self-Care
• 18 Things That Fill Highly Sensitive People With Joy

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With the heightened stress of our modern world and superfluity of internet distractions all competing for our attention, it’s no wonder that so many of us have trouble getting into a creative flow.

As highly sensitive people (HSPs), we are often naturally creative, but the channeling and execution part can be difficult for us. Even when we do tap into our creative sides, organizing the energy into a presentable product is a whole other task entirely. We may become overwhelmed to the point that we end up not finishing, or the project remains a potentiality with multiple disparate bits that just couldn’t find their way into a cohesive whole.

Here’s some of what has helped me, both for tapping into creativity and then finding ways to channel and organize it once I have.

7 Tips for HSPs to Channel Their Creativity

1. Keep a scrap bin to make editing easier. 

One challenging aspect of the creative process is that it involves letting go of things we may not be ready to renounce. Editing and paring down, though necessary, for me has always meant parting ways with something. Just as there’s a sentimental value attached to some of my messes; so, too, is there a sentimental value attached to every blog draft. Often I will say: Better to leave it as it is (my flawed, at times headache-inducing untouchable mess).

Similar to organizing my room, finalizing a written piece feels difficult — yet I find I can edit someone else’s essay or clean a friend’s room without any problem, because there’s less personal investment in it. I don’t overthink every shirt I put into storage, recalling how it got me through a tough time or wondering if I might need it again on some undetermined day in the future. Likewise, when editing another writer’s sentence, I hold no concept of that sentence’s original intended purpose, therefore truncating it brings me no sadness.

To help with this, I suggest keeping “scrap bins” — backup copies — of anything you feel isn’t adding much to the piece, but are still not sure you want to get rid of just yet. Musicians can do this with sound clips and artists can do this with their artwork. This way, you’ll know they’re still there if you ever should need them — but they also won’t continue to encumber you by dragging the rest of the piece down. You’re now freed up to focus on what your creation needs next to move it along.

2. Empathize with your piece.

A work of art is like a person or a friend: Before it can evolve, first you must give it your whole heart and complete attention, fully taking it in, imperfect structure and all. Otherwise, your editing will be nothing more than shallow and piecemeal: take out a word here, add one there. Good writing, to me, has as much to do with overall energy, emotional pulse, and flow as it does with structure and technical craft. Though technical in certain respects, as a practice, writing is also a deeply spiritual and emotional one, especially for sensitive souls, as we notice everything. And since we tend to have a deep sense of empathy, it’s good for us to empathize with our creative works, as well, which usually comes naturally.

But, that said, I find that sometimes my lack of progress on a piece is attributable to my not really connecting with it. I’m not surrendering to it or submerging myself in its messiness — so its essence eludes me. And I realize that maybe it’s only once I’m soaked in that very (elusive) essence that I can help it to grow.

The more we stare at a page and insist “I need you to turn out a certain way,” the less we appreciate, and work with, what’s already there in front of us. Fixated as we are on this illusory and hypothetical finished product, we, in turn, neglect the messy, scattered, yet extremely real (and therefore workable) content before us.

3. Keep a notebook for spontaneous thoughts and ideas.

Not everything can be planned, especially when it comes to creativity. What I call the elusive jungle cats (bursts of insight or unforeseen breakthroughs) saunter in when I least expect them — such as when I’m out with friends at a bar. I set down my jalapeño margarita and excuse myself from the group because a thought needs attending to, which I record in the bathroom. Or when on a bike ride, sometimes I’ll veer off to the side of the road and pull out my phone.

It’s at these admittedly inopportune times that I’m sporadically rewarded, as I witness clear sentences marching through my mind in all their coherent glory. When thoughts come in quick bursts like this, if you can, write them down. Highly sensitive people are deep thinkers and we don’t want to risk losing these ideas. And, once again, this can apply to many creative endeavors aside from writing.

4. Use music to channel your drive, energy, and motivation.

I have several music playlists on my iPhone: one for working out that always pumps me up, one for writing that puts me in the sentimental mood necessary for connecting emotionally with my characters, and one for staying focused on a more cognitively challenging task (which consists of Piano Guys and other soothing, wordless instrumental backdrops).

Consider what music or white noise might work best for you, depending on what you’re trying to accomplish. Research has found that listening to happy music promotes divergent thinking.

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5. Consider a social media cleanse for creativity.

What I refer to as mind-drowning is when your mind loses control of your constructive thoughts and becomes submerged in useless sludgy ones. Too much time looking at screens and scrolling social media submerges us deeper into these counterproductive thoughts,  whereas time spent outside, connecting with our bodies, and looking into human faces, pulls us out.

For instance, a chocolate peanut butter scone is a nice treat every now and then, but you don’t rely on it for sustenance. The same should apply for social media, or any diversion that’s inherently designed to divide your attention and appeal immediately to your limbic system. Channeling creativity becomes much easier when we use technology and social media judiciously, especially for those of us with highly sensitive brains. We get more emotionally affected by social media and news than others, so it benefits us to take a social media break and put that brain power toward our creative pursuits instead. 

6. Don’t be afraid to mix it up and step away from the computer — take breaks from screen time to reconnect with paper.

The times I actually write the things I’m most proud of, the  writing comes out in one burst, usually when it’s only me, a pen, and paper. (Ironically, my computer, the vehicle of efficiency, is almost never present when I get my most authentic and coherent writing done — perhaps because I’ve learned to associate it with distractibility and overstimulation). Separate from the computer, sometimes I feel I’m most likely to generate my own thoughts. I’m also less likely to be influenced by reminders of social comparisons (even when I’m not actively on social media, the associations still lurk in the background).

I remind myself that people once wrote coherent, even phenomenal, books before any of us owned computers. A lucid thought will find its way to the page in its entirety with or without the accelerating assistance of a computer. If you feel you have something important to say, the absence of a keyboard won’t prevent you from saying it. And, again, this can apply to any artistic endeavor you’re pursuing.

I think of it as similar to cooking a meal from scratch — as opposed to popping a freezer meal in the microwave. If you struggle with tapping into your creative side, consider closing the computer. Our sensitive minds are so full of thoughts anyway, they’ll probably come out endlessly when you give them the white space to do so.

7. Understand that you will not use all your material — and that’s okay.

My writing process used to play out as follows: A topic would intrigue me and I’d just know that I wanted to write about it. I wasn’t clear what exact point I wanted to make. So I’d start writing. It wasn’t until hours later, though, that I was finally able to start actually writing something that shifted or advanced the conversation a bit. The sentences began adding just a little bit of novelty to the pre-existing canon. Words appeared that might encourage people to think (rather than simply absorb a sales pitch).

I think about how nice it would’ve been if, rather than waste those preceding 10 hours, I had instead just skipped to that step straight from the beginning. The thing is, though, tedious as they might feel, often you just have to go through those initial steps to arrive at the eventual product — or a different product entirely. Remember that the “wasted time” and supposed missteps were in the service of teaching us the lessons we needed to learn. Without them, we wouldn’t be the creators that we are right now. That one point we made on page one would not have come to the realization we uncovered on page 11 (or what have you).

And, as HSPs, we tend to overthink, so I know it may be hard not to keep everything we write (or paint or produce). But remember, even if a project (or parts of one) doesn’t see its way to fruition, remind yourself that it’s still helping you grow. And, eventually, it will take you where you need to go.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• How to Maximize Your Creativity as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Are Highly Sensitive People Natural Born Creatives?
• 10 Things I Never Realized I Do Because I’m an HSP

The post 7 Tips for HSPs to Channel Their Creativity appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

If you’re anything like the highly sensitive person (HSP) I was in my 20s, you find dating — especially in this swipe culture that primes us to quickly judge and easily discard others — to be anxiety-provoking at worst, laborious and unpleasant at best. It has a way of digging up long-held insecurities about one’s self. It might have us continually asking the question: Do I keep up my defenses to be accepted under false pretenses? Or let my guard down and risk being rejected for revealing my messy, real self? 

For HSPs, who exist in a world that doesn’t always understand our needs and neurodivergence, dating can be especially overwhelming. The uncertainty makes the process inherently risky, especially for people who experience feelings on a more intense level than most. Knowing yourself, and your defenses though, can help equip you to navigate it. Here are some things that have helped me with dating as an HSP.

7 Dating Tips for Highly Sensitive People

1. Choose a calm and safe environment that’s not too overstimulating.

HSPs are more sensitive to environmental stimuli than the average person, which can affect our experience on dates (for better or for worse). I can remember times that my discomfort (induced by the environment) impacted how present I was. 

On a hike and dinner picnic date one time, for instance, I arrived to an extremely cold and foggy ambience. Conversation was stilted as we walked the miles-long stretch down to the beach. It felt like it took forever to get there. Every cell in my body communicated to my brain a desire to be elsewhere.

As an HSP who is attune to environmental factors, I could never predict what factors — such as lighting, noise levels, and smells in the air — would be like at the date location. To help with this, I’d try to get there a little early. That way, I could scope out the place and choose a seat where I’d be most comfortable. Dimmer lighting, relatively quiet, comfy furniture… every HSP is different, but some of these are known to be generally conducive to many of us.

Sticking to basic dates where I have an out — and don’t have to stray too far from my comfort zone — has also been helpful. I plan dates in environments I know I’ll feel safe in, as a new person likely won’t be understanding of my triggers so early on. Plus, I won’t even have to explain them if we’re in a place that doesn’t overstimulate me.

2. Listen to clues from your body, as well as your intuition. 

Our bodies can often be wiser than our brains, even though we may try to convince ourselves otherwise and we’ll swat away the messages it attempts to deliver us. The night before I was supposed to meet a woman I was in an on again/off again relationship with, for instance, I had trouble sleeping. Depression crept in. Looking back, I think it was my body’s way of warning me this situation wasn’t right, after having already tried a few times before (but I’d disregarded it). Now it was upping the ante, insisting that I pay attention.

I think that as much as we don’t want to listen to it, that voice might be there to tell us that something’s amiss. And, as HSPs, our inner voice is quite loud via our intuition. It’s there to help us make better choices about our dating life. It wants to keep us from following cute-looking squirrels off rocky cliffs. It’ll present us with the more manageable pain of short-term disappointment over longer-lasting pain once we’re already too far in.

The voice isn’t always looking at these situations with fresh eyes, and sometimes that can deter us. But it can also really come to our rescue.

3. Be careful with alcohol.

As mentioned before, many environmental factors are overwhelming for HSPs, so we may drink excessively to calm the internal clamor. I did that for too many years, and it often backfired. Alcohol can have you drinking away bad feelings that, unpleasant as they may be, are also important. Over the years, booze numbed signals that someone was wrong for me, or not emotionally available. I drank to make red flags seem pink, because pink is negotiable. I could convince myself that pink wouldn’t hurt me if I just played my cards right. In some sense, I think I drank to not have to face the full brunt of reality. 

Maybe you’re thinking, “I like who I am, but most people need time to warm up to it, and alcohol helps me to be more engaging.” To that, I say, If you need alcohol to convince someone that you’re a certain way, then you’ll basically need alcohol every time you’re with them. In order to find yourself open to the eventual match who appreciates you exactly as you are, awkward silences and all, you’ll need to embrace the discomfort of the date. You want the person who will see you acting that way and it won’t shake their interest in you, because they’ll see the bigger picture of who you are.

4. Try to stay away from labeling, and instead pay attention (early on) to how the other person’s actions make you feel.

How many of you HSPs have been told that your feelings are too heavy? That they’re “too much”? That you’re “too emotional”? Patriarchy tells this lie that anything more than fully contained and polished feelings are “baggage” — rather than responses somewhere within the range of normal human reactions to a given situation. It feels pretty awful. In the past when I was treated this way, I would diagnose (in my head) the women I was with as people-pleasers, narcissists, or avoidants.   

One day I realized that what really mattered was my experience of the relationship. What mattered was my feelings in response to their behaviors (and to leave the diagnosing to the psychologists). As tempting as it was at times to engage in it, diagnosing doesn’t bring much relief. It’s just a distraction from your own healing you need to do.

Remind yourself that to have needs and hold standards for another person is a valid component of healthy relationships. If a person continues to dismiss your feelings or gaslight you, then they are not a healthy person to have in your life. Regardless of their psychiatric diagnosis, they are hurting you and unwilling to own their part. And we all deserve more than that from the person we are dating.

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5. Keep note of healthy pacing.

What tends to happen in many relationships is we’ll start off with a fairly high amount of vulnerability and self-disclosure (that’s often what hooks us as HSPs; we’re suckers for the deep stuff). We’ll then sink down to a plateau of distance. The next time we hang out, back up onto the summit we’ll go. 

When I start noticing these extreme dips and ascensions, that’s when I know I’m in unhealthy territory (usually with a commitment-avoidant person). Whereas in a healthy relationship, we start in a lower place, with less self-disclosure, but still enough to keep the interaction from feeling surface-level. Maybe we’ll talk about current passions and minor struggles as opposed to the impact our parent’s divorce had on us or the eating disorder we had when we were a teenager.

From there, we’ll gradually ascend to a place of closer, deeper bonding. It’s not a linear climb; maybe they (or I) need to take a moment of space along the way. But the ever-so-slight temporary dips don’t feel as intense, extreme, or jarring. Once we’ve reached the top, the person doesn’t pull away or knock it down. We stay there together and continue to build.

Personally, I’m less familiar with how these latter relationships feel. I’m more accustomed to the former, but I hope for that to change the more I continue to heal and grow as a person. As an HSP dating, it can be helpful to keep this template in mind as a barometer.

6. Take breaks if (and when) you need to. They’re healthy!

It’s important to recover from your last dating situation before embarking on a new one. Make sure you’ve discussed it with a therapist or support group so that you’re not compulsively repeating a pattern. If you’re always heartbroken and perpetually trying to get over someone, then you’re much less likely to be making mindful decisions. The cycle of choosing unsuitable partners (or whatever the case may be) then continues. I did this for years without realizing it. The compulsive repetition of similar decisions perpetuated a cycle of negative outcomes.

I used to always want things to work out with whomever I was dating. I now see that it had less to do with liking the person than it did with feeling that I felt I needed the relationship to work out, to overwrite the message I’d internalized from the last “failed” relationship (“You are not lovable”). I needed to stop listening to this harsh inner critic and be more self-compassionate. The way I saw it, I wasn’t getting any younger, and my time to “prove” my lovability, so to speak, was running out by the day. That’s how my thinking was when I was caught up in that painful cycle. Sometimes pulling yourself out of it completely — at least for a period of time — is the only way to reset and begin dating again for the right reasons.

7. Have a discerning lens.

By being discerning, it can spare you from idealizing a person and then becoming overly attached to them, abandoning your own sense of self in favor of their approval. It requires detachment so that you can observe your feelings and thought processes from a more removed perspective. 

I’m not saying to be rigid, but to have some level of self-knowledge to establish deal-breakers beforehand. For example, years ago, I didn’t ask questions to screen potential dating “candidates” — and I kept getting hurt. I was the metaphorical dog chasing its tail in circles and dizzying itself in the process. Before going on dates now, I find out if she’s serious about dating women. I get a feel for what she’s looking for. When it becomes clear that what we’re looking for does not align, I move on. 

This saves from hurt later on. It halts cars that are likely to crash — or simply have no fuel to begin with — in their tracks. HSPs are more vulnerable than the general population to intense sweeps of emotion, so we can protect ourselves by being more cautious and discerning.

My fellow HSPs, what would you add to the list? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 10 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship as an HSP
• 12 Reasons You Should Date a Highly Sensitive Person
• 10 Ways Sex Is Different for Highly Sensitive People

The post Dating Tips for Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.