Emma Scheib, Author at Sensitive Refuge

Your Highly Sensitive Child Is Normal. No Wait, She’s Extraordinary.

Emma Scheib — Mon, 27 Oct 2025 10:49:44 +0000

Is your child highly sensitive? Here’s how to know for sure — and what a sensitive kid needs.

“Mom, my pajamas are uncomfortable, I can’t sleep.” This was the third time my nine-year-old had been back out of bed. “Mom, the television is toooooo loud, I can’t sleep,” was her earlier complaint. “Moooooom, tell her to be quiet,” she pleads with me about her 4-year-old sister who is throwing a tantrum.

She is wild. She is beautiful. She is sensitive. She is my daughter. And I’ve only just recently realized she’s exactly like me, a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Because I’m an HSP, you’d logically assume that I’m in tune with my family, their emotions, and their personalities. And many times I am. I often feel other people’s emotions, particularly those of the young and vulnerable.

But I’m ashamed to say, it took me quite a long time to realize that my daughter is also highly sensitive.

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How to Recognize a Highly Sensitive Child

Dr. Elaine Aron, author of the book, The Highly Sensitive Person, explains the HSP like this:

You easily get overwhelmed by sensory stimuli like bright lights, loud noises, coarse fabrics, or strong smells.
You have a rich and complex inner life.
You’ve been referred to as sensitive or even shy.
You arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.

These traits are the same in children and adults, although they’re often harder to spot in kids, because all children get overwhelmed at times. It’s the other traits — especially how much effort a child puts into avoiding stimuli or upsetting situations — that are key to spotting a sensitive child.

But here is the most important thing Aron writes about HSPs: High sensitivity occurs in about 20 percent of the population, making it a perfectly normal personality trait.

Let me repeat that.

Being a highly sensitive person is completely normal.

Not All HSP Children Are Shy or Quiet

Despite my emphatic belief that we HSPs are normal, I do like to refer to our sensitivities as quirks. This is because, as HSPs, we’re all unique. Sure, there are common characteristics, as with any personality. But we each have our own flavor. Our own HSP quirks.

Like any other HSP, my daughter and I don’t tick all the boxes on the HSP checklist. For example, I happen to like violent movies, even though it’s listed as being a no-go for most HSPs. But both my daughter and I are particularly sensitive to textures. The pajama problem isn’t just hers! We also both have an aversion to very loud noises, and we both get completely overwhelmed by change, particularly unexpected changes that we can’t prepare for.

It’s true that HSPs are often wrongly labeled as “shy” or “quiet.” But it doesn’t always look that way. My daughter is anything but shy and quiet. If you heard her playing, you might not think she’s an HSP at all.

Here’s the thing about HSPs and noise. It’s often the unpredictable noises that are the most difficult. It’s the loud siren, the screaming sibling, the neighbor’s dogs. If it’s her noise, it’s a different story!

Highly Sensitive Children Need Routine to Thrive

I’ll be honest. Before I realized that my daughter is an HSP, her quirks annoyed me. She often needs to have everything just right. It’s not that she’s a neat freak, but rather there are a set of rules that need to be adhered to for things to be okay for her.

Take, for example, our bedtime routine. It’s remained fairly consistent since she was young — and boy, am I in trouble if I try to change things up! We read together, we snuggle down at lights out, and I tickle her arms, hands and back (we call it “tickle,” but really it’s a very light massage). Then I cuddle in for a couple more moments, before she asks, every night, without fail, “What are we doing tomorrow?”

This routine, it’s got to be done correctly, and in the right order! And if for some reason it’s not, it would be safe to add at least 10 minutes to the routine. If a hand is missed, I have to go back. If I haven’t laid out the plans for tomorrow (often made up in the moment), she’s unsettled. If I don’t wait for her to be perfectly comfortable before the final goodnight hug…

You get the picture. And yes, some nights, it’s every bit as exhausting as it sounds. But actually, I love it. It’s our routine, and most nights I’m happy to let her get things just right.

Embracing Your Highly Sensitive Child

Now that I know she’s an HSP, I don’t get annoyed by these little quirks. I no longer get as frustrated with her particular ways. I’m not surprised at these sensitivities. I’m learning to understand her and the way she’s making sense of the world, through the lens of her sensitive soul.

As a parent, it’s my job to embrace whoever my child is — and whoever she becomes. I have to accept and embrace all of it. Even the bits that I don’t like, or that don’t fit it with how I would prefer things done.

Truth-telling time. On more than one occasion, I’ve told both my daughters, “Don’t be so sensitive.” Really? This, coming from a woman who claims to be an HSP herself!? (Thinking before I speak is not one of my strongest HSP characteristics.)

This is not something our HSP children need to hear. They do not need to be told to “harden up.” When we tell them this, we’re telling them it’s not okay to be themselves. We’re introducing shame and guilt.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System?

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

What Sensitive Children Need More Than Anything Else

Highly sensitive children need to be accepted as they are. They need our love. And they need to be told that it’s okay to be sensitive. They need to know, in fact, that sensitivity is a gift.

Tell them that some of the most talented people ever to walk the earth were HSPs. Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and Jim Carrey are some examples. They’ll need to draw on these stories when times are tough in their journey through life.

Tell them about your own journey as an HSP, if you are one. Let them know they aren’t alone, and that the way they feel is normal. Let them see you, the real you.

Tell them that it’s okay to need quiet, or to not like the way their pajamas feel against their skin. Help them find solutions for their sensitivities, but ensure they know that they aren’t a problem.

But most of all, tell them that they are extraordinary.

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4 Ideas for Highly Sensitive People to Declutter and Simplify

Emma Scheib — Mon, 13 Jan 2025 12:00:00 +0000

Because the highly sensitive soul craves simplicity and quiet.

My highly sensitive soul craves quiet. It craves simplicity, slowness, and white space. I get overstimulated when there’s too much in my environment to process. I purposefully seek simple and slow to soothe my sensitive nature.

Although my journey to simplifying and slowing down has been more pronounced over the last few years, I’ve always been drawn to less — particularly in my physical surroundings. I find cluttered spaces overwhelming and feel the need to withdraw if there’s too much going on around me.

And I’ve spent far too long running on the “hamster wheel” of busyness, which only served to increase my anxiety. As a highly sensitive person, I need less. Less in my physical environment, and less on my calendar.

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4 Ways to Declutter and Simplify

If you’re a highly sensitive person, here are four ideas to help you declutter your home and simplify your life.

1. Get rid of anything you don’t absolutely need.

If you’re like me, and find a cluttered environment anxiety-provoking, you might benefit from taking some time to reset your surroundings.

By this I mean really thoroughly going through your home and removing any items that you don’t use regularly or don’t like. Clutter attracts clutter, so if you haven’t done this for a while, it might take a full day (or week) to work through each room.

You can start small (my personal favorite), with one little space, maybe your laundry or junk drawer, and work methodically through. Remove rubbish, find homes for things, and maybe consider a better system if you are constantly battling to keep a space free of clutter.

Or you could go big and try a packing party. This is where you pack up everything in your house — except the absolute essentials — then unpack things as you need them. Whatever you haven’t unpacked in 21 days can be donated. When Ryan Nicodemus of The Minimalists did this, 80 percent of his belongings was still boxed up at the end of 21 days.

Try adopting the one-minute rule. If we are really honest with ourselves, clutter often accumulates because of laziness. The one-minute rule helps combat this, if you make it a habit.

The one-minute rule is simple: Whatever you see lying around your house, if it takes 60 seconds or less to put away, do it. It took me 11 seconds to fold my clothes and put them away in a drawer last night instead of leaving them in a pile next to my bed.

2. Minimize your schedule.

My default answer for almost anything used to be “yes.” Not anymore. I’m a former over-committer. It’s a bit like seeing a buffet filled with delicious food. You pile up your plate, then half way through eating, you realize the limitations of your stomach!

This was my approach to my calendar. Fill it full to the brim. Yes, yes, yes! It was all wonderful and nutritious, so why not? I didn’t realize that my highly sensitive nature had limitations and the consequences of not respecting them would be stress, anxiety, and burnout.

Now when I’m asked to do something, I give myself 48 hours to mull the request over. If I decide it’s something I can fit onto my plate, I get in touch with the person. I’d rather take my time saying yes than have to let someone down later.

3. Create an HSP-friendly haven.

We can do lots of work to declutter our physical belongings and our calendars, but it won’t always be perfect — especially if you live with other people. Sure, there are values and systems I can teach my family to try to keep on top of mess and over-scheduling, but at the end of the day, they are responsible for their own choices. Messes will get made and I’ll be too tired to clean them up.

This is why I start each day with a sweep of my bedroom. Bed made, clothes away, surfaces clear. I need my bedroom to be a haven to escape to. When I’m feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, spending just 10 minutes in there can help recharge me for the rest of the day.

4. Immerse yourself in nature.

One of the quickest fixes for me when I’m feeling overwhelmed is to head to the beach or the forest for a bit. I find nature incredibly soothing and such a contrast to a messy, chaotic home environment.

Spending time surrounded by birds and trees brings me to a place of calm and helps me go slower. Mother nature is slow, she doesn’t rush, and her pace of life can have a huge positive impact on us if we let it.

We highly sensitive people need quiet and stillness to operate at our best. I’m happiest when I’m meandering instead of rushing. For me, inviting more slow and simple into my life has been the most powerful tool for thriving as an HSP.

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Do Highly Sensitive People Need More Sleep Than Other People?

Emma Scheib — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 11:00:00 +0000

For highly sensitive people, sleep is a magical elixir. So why do we never get enough of it?

Sleeping is one of the few activities that every human has in common. It’s baked into our biology, which is why the vast majority of us spend, on average, about one third of our lives in dreamland.

But sleep is more than just a necessity. It’s a magical elixir, especially for highly sensitive people (HSPs). Because they can get easily overwhelmed, HSPs may need more sleep than others. Sleep restores our bodies and minds and readies us for the other two thirds of our lives.

Why Good Sleep Is Crucial for HSPs

As a highly sensitive person, I’ve always been a big sleeper. I’m often in bed by 9 p.m., because in this season of my life, I function best when I get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Less than 7, and I’m a mess.

Part of this is probably a hangover from sleepless nights with young children. It’s as if my body is still trying to catch up. But another part is, as an HSP, I just get exhausted easily. A full life with lots of family and friend time is wonderful, but it can also be a source of physical and emotional drain — especially for those of us who feel deeply and experience the world in high definition, which is what it means to be highly sensitive.

Recently, I had a day that left me wanting to sleep for a week. Busy airports, two canceled flights, many delays, and when I finally arrived home (5 hours late), all I wanted to do was nap. But my darling kids wouldn’t have a bit of it! Mommy was home after seven days away so there was no rest for the weary. And although I missed them, their lovely noisy selves did nothing to subdue my already frazzled nervous system.

Of course, an early night would have been just what the doctor ordered. But no, the day wasn’t over! We had a babysitter booked and a party to go to. As an introvert and HSP, parties just aren’t my thing, even on a normal day. But this wasn’t a normal day. I was already completely peopled out, and now I had to face a room full of 40 more people!

Suffice it to say, when I collapsed into bed at 11:30 p.m., I knew it would take me more than a couple days to recover. My entire being was stretched beyond capacity. I needed hibernation.

Most HSPs have experienced something similar — probably many times. All HSPs face higher levels of overstimulation and mental fatigue; it’s just how we’re wired. That means we need more than just “beauty sleep.” For us, sleep is absolutely crucial. It calms and resets our overworked systems; it’s probably the best thing we can do for ourselves in terms of self-care.

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Why HSPs May Find It Harder to Sleep

In a cruel twist of irony, highly sensitive people may find it more difficult than others to get the rest they desperately need.

On the long trip home that day, I’d prepped my husband, explaining that I’d need some space to try to nap that afternoon. But sleep did not arrive. The adrenaline from a full morning hadn’t left my body, and I was starting to feel anxious about the party ahead of us.

This isn’t uncommon for HSPs. We’re sensitive to all forms of stimulation, including noise, temperature, textures, and the activity level of our environment — and sometimes this affects our ability to fall asleep. HSP or not, when we get stressed and overstimulated, our bodies produce cortisol, a hormone that puts the body on high alert. When our bodies are revved up, we might find it impossible to relax and drift into dreamland, even when we so desperately need the rest.

Along with our bodies being wound up, HSPs may find they have too many thoughts to fall asleep. We process our experiences deeply, so until our minds have had time to wind down, we may be left wide awake, even though we’re begging our brains to “shut down” for the day.

3 Ways HSPs Can Get Better Sleep

If you’re highly sensitive, you’ll likely always need plenty of high-quality sleep, no matter what season of life you’re in. Here are three things you can do to ensure a good night’s sleep.

1. Create a solid bedtime routine.

Plan ahead for your time in dreamland. HSPs tend to thrive on routines; bedtime is no different. A great bedtime routine creates a sense of safety, which in turn promotes feelings of relaxation. It’s much easier for us to relax when we know what’s coming next.

My routine is fairly simple: It involves hopping into bed at least 30 minutes before I think I’ll be asleep. I fill out a very simple gratitude journal and note anything else in my brain that needs to get out. Then, I read myself to sleep. I try to stay off social media one hour prior to bedtime, and if I’m on my laptop, it’s only to write.

2. Reduce all external stimuli.

HSP or not, it’s good for everyone to reduce technology prior to bedtime. But what about the emotional stimuli that comes from engaging with others? Surely great conversation in front of a roaring fire is a lovely way to spend an evening? Not for me! Well, at least not in the last hour or two before bed. Having silence and giving my brain a break from anything incoming is crucial late at night.

Often this means leaving parties or other social events early so there’s time to unwind afterward. For me, it also means letting my loved ones know that 10 p.m. is not the time to start a major discussion about an important issue.

3. Give yourself enough time.

Get to know how much sleep you need. Everyone is different, and your sleep needs won’t necessarily be the same as your partner’s, mom’s, or best friend’s. Once you have an idea about how much sleep you need, make it a top priority. Go to bed earlier! The dishes, the next chapter of the book, and the laundry can all wait until tomorrow.

Changing your sleep habits may seem like a huge undertaking, and you won’t be able to change everything right away. But you can make one small change tonight — and feel the difference.

HSP, you have incredible gifts to offer the world. It’s going to be a lot easier to do that when you get a good night’s sleep.

Do you need plenty of good sleep to function at your best? How do you get it? Let me know in the comments below!

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How to Build Emotional Resilience as a Highly Sensitive Person

Emma Scheib — Wed, 23 Sep 2020 13:00:33 +0000

As a highly sensitive person, I’ve found that there are two things we really need to thrive. First, we need our sensitivity validated — which is the opposite of what many of us have been told all our lives. Being highly sensitive simply means that you notice more, process it deeper, and feel a little more strongly than everyone else. We need to understand that that’s OK. That we, as sensitive people, are OK.

But we also need some way of handling all those extra feelings we feel. We can’t actually turn off the world when it gets overwhelming, so instead, we need a tool to process it all safely.

We need to build our emotional resilience.

What Resilience Is — and Is Not

Emotional resilience is being able to mentally and emotionally cope with a stress or crisis and then be able to adapt and return to that pre-stress state. In our current climate, resiliency might look like being able to adapt to the current “stay at home” orders by putting systems in place that allow life (work, food shopping, etc.) to carry on despite the limitations.

It’s also important to define what resilience is not. It’s not “toughening up” in the sense that we ignore our feelings. Rather, resilience is defined as “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness” and is also described as having elasticity, being able to “bounce back” to one’s previous form.

In other words, we are all expected to go through difficulties (this is life, after all), but being resilient enables you to recover from those difficulties. If you suddenly lose your job, although you may be upset and surprised, once you accept the loss, you’ll likely start sending out resumes again and may find an even better job.

Being resilient also doesn’t mean we have to ignore or forget the tough times. Elastic things usually show the wear and tear of their stretching, like a woman’s belly after giving birth. Resilience implies learning or growing through trials, rather than ignoring the experience.

For a long time, I thought that sensitivity and resiliency were mutually exclusive — that only one was possible at a time. But resilience and sensitivity can coexist. And as HSPs, we not only need that all-too-precious acceptance of our sensitivity; we also need a little extra resilience.

After all, as HSPs, we’re already deep thinkers, and we tend to easily absorb others’ feelings as though they’re our own. So building emotional strength? It may sound impossible, but I’ve discovered some strategies to make it less so.

5 Ways to Build Emotional Resilience as a Highly Sensitive Person

1. Practice training your resiliency like a muscle.

Just because HSPs are naturally more sensitive people and you may be inclined to have lower emotional resilience, it doesn’t mean we can’t be resilient. Remember that resilience still allows for sensitivity and going through a tough time — like bouncing back after a job loss.

However, if you aren’t comfortable with your own sensitivity, or have been belittled for it in the past, you may not be able to bounce back as quickly from difficult things. But with practice, you can.

The important thing to remember is that emotional resilience is like a muscle: you can exercise, build, and grow your resiliency.

2. Accept, then embrace, your sensitivity.

Loving yourself as an HSP is important, and acceptance is the first step. The more aware and accepting of your sensitivity that you are, the more likely you’ll handle challenges that come your way.

For example, over the years, I’ve wanted to cultivate a healthier relationship with alcohol. The journey needed to begin with an acceptance of my susceptibility to unhealthy drinking habits. I had to look within and try to figure out what would lead me to drink.

I figured out that this predisposition to drinking was partly due to a familial history of alcohol dependence, and partly due to my high sensitivity — alcohol is great at numbing all the feelings!

But this didn’t mean that I had to accept this would be my own fate. Instead, this knowledge allowed me to honor the impact my genes, and being an HSP, may play regarding my drinking habits, and then set realistic goals based on this information.

This enabled me to go from binge drinking regularly to being able to have one or two drinks and stop. I have also spent long periods completely dry and void of alcohol.

By accepting and embracing my sensitivity — instead of running from it or trying to hide it — I was able to become more resilient when it came to alcohol.

3. Create a self-care routine.

Having a self-care routine is really important as a HSP. Learning to take care of yourself well enables you to enter the world with more resilience.

My morning routine, for example, sets me up to get through the day well with two young children. I feel more resilient and capable of what might come up during the day if I’ve spent a portion of my morning doing things that “fill my cup,” so to speak.

Everyone’s self-care routine or ritual looks different. Figure out what you need to feel calm, grounded, and taken care of. It might just be as simple as spending the first 20 minutes of your day reading a book over a cup of tea. The key in building resilience is making this a habit.

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4. Practice becoming more flexible.

While many HSPs, myself included, love their routines and struggle with uncertainty or a sudden change of plans, flexibility is a key tool when building resilience: The phrase “play it by ear” makes our skin crawl! But learning to bend and flex with the circumstances is, by definition, resilience.

In fact, research has found that resilience is more about being flexible versus staying positive. So, even if it’s challenging as an HSP, practice being more flexible, such as keeping an open mind when it comes to new ideas or new perspectives.

Personally, I’m a stickler for the tried and true. But over the years, I’ve mindfully used phrases like “Maybe I can try it a different way this time” (like a recipe) or “Some things change that I can’t control and that’s OK” (like a delivery arriving late).

The more I practice being flexible and accepting of these changes, the more I go from being reactive to being resilient — and it can work for you, too.

5. Try to become a ‘realistic optimist.’

People sometimes think HSPs tend to be pessimistic or view the world through a “glass half empty” lens. Even research has found pessimism and high sensitivity may be related.

But if you want to build more resilience, try embracing “realistic” optimism instead. The distinction is being able to see your own ability, despite your circumstances.

In Laurence Gonzales’ research on traumatic events (like plane crashes), those who survived, or were resilient, were able to assess their situation and then take autonomy over it.

For an HSP, retraining yourself to think even 10 percent more positively could make a huge difference when it comes to your resiliency and reactions to situations.

For instance, when you’re faced with bad experiences, there are two questions that can help you view things in a more positive light:

“Is this situation permanent, or temporary?” And…
“Is it my fault?”

I have used both of these questions many times during the last few months as my family and I have navigated different levels of quarantine.

It helps immensely when I feel stressed and overwhelmed to remind myself that this situation is temporary and it is not my fault.

Although there is not much I can do to control the overall outcome, I can practice good hygiene habits and build up my mental resilience by remembering my answers to my questions: This situation is temporary and it is not my fault.

Learning about and understanding how I can build my resilience as an HSP has made a big difference in how I navigate the world and has also been a valuable lesson when it comes to raising my highly sensitive children.

Remember, as HSPs, we can have both resiliency and the beauty of high sensitivity. When you think about it, it’s a wonderful combination.

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