Kelly Eden, Author at Sensitive Refuge

4 Steps to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Separation Anxiety

Kelly Eden — Wed, 10 Sep 2025 09:00:00 +0000

Yes, your crying, clingy highly sensitive child is normal. Here’s why separation anxiety is common in sensitive kids, plus how to deal with it.

I arrive with a crying 4-year-old attached to my leg — stressed, exhausted, and feeling like I’m the worst parent in the world. Everyone else’s children are already at preschool. Not crying. Not clinging to a leg.

“She doesn’t want to come,” I say to a teacher, desperately hoping she has a magic pill that makes my child turn into one of the other happily playing, well-adjusted children around me.

“Yes. We could hear her screaming in the parking lot.” She gives me a look. I feel like she’s just handed me my parenting grade, and it’s an F.

Hmm. Can I crawl into a hole now?

Your Crying, Clingy Highly Sensitive Child Is Normal

I know now (I wish someone had told me then!) that I’m not the only parent who has experienced this. Separation anxiety is incredibly normal and healthy in children, even up to the age of 7. Our children are attached to us. They rely on us. So for them to get upset when we leave is very normal.

But at the time, it felt terrible. It felt like I was causing my child very real emotional harm.

But, in fact, if we deal with it well, it can do the opposite.

Instead of causing them harm, separation anxiety can help kids. It can develop resilience, self-esteem, and coping skills. Times of separation give them a chance to practice dealing with stress and anxiety. It teaches them, “I can cope with this!”

That screaming, crying, highly sensitive child attached to our ankles is learning that they are a person who can handle what life throws at them. That you trust them to cope.

Why Many Highly Sensitive Children Have Separation Anxiety

Both of my youngest children hated leaving my side (my 8-year-old still has a little bit of trouble). The screaming lessened to complaining as they got older, but they definitely struggled a lot with separation anxiety. Once, my Lula hid under a desk crying at preschool for over 30 minutes after I left.

I almost gave up on preschool a number of times. My kids weren’t even going that often. Three half-days a week maximum! I persevered because I needed the time out, I wanted them to have social interaction and make friends, and because they always loved it afterwards. When I picked them up, they never wanted to leave!

So why all the fuss at the start?

My kids are older now, and I’ve learned a few things about them. One of those is that both of my youngest daughters are in the 15-20 percent of the population who are considered highly sensitive.

High sensitivity is not a negative thing. It’s a normal personality trait.

Highly sensitive people feel their emotions very strongly. They have a bit more difficulty dealing with change and loud, busy environments. And they are very affected by things others might not be bothered by. Movies or TV shows can be difficult for them. Even the slightest scary or violent scene — even in G-rated movies — can start my girls screaming, “Turn it off!”

Highly sensitive children are in tune with others’ feelings and can be very observant. They’ll be the ones that notice when you’re sad and give you a hug. They get really upset by kids being mean to each other. My daughter, Little, talked for months about some boys at preschool that called another child names. She was highly offended.

Highly sensitive children are the ones that grow up to defend the weak and point out the injustices in the world. They are the ones that notice beauty in things and think deeply.

They are pretty amazing people.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System?

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4 Steps to Help Your Sensitive Child at Drop-Off

So what can we do to help our sensitive kids settle in better?

Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t let them control your behavior. “You’re sad because you want me to stay. I’ll be back in two hours. I can’t wait to hear what you did today.” You are the adult. You control what happens, not them. Kids will try to keep you there and control you by crying, screaming, begging, and clinging. However, they actually feel safer when we are in control.
Make it normal. “I know you have a hard time with goodbyes. I love that you’re such a cuddly boy. I can’t wait to see you again when I pick you up.” (Smile and give your child a quick hug.)
Leave quickly and confidently. Ignore their pleas to keep you there and trust that they will be okay.
Don’t sneak away. Always say, “Bye, see you soon!” Sneaking away can make kids more clingy next time.

4 Stages Your Child Will Move Through

So that you can be confident that they are okay, there are four stages of separation anxiety for you to be aware of. If your child is happy when you pick them up, then you know they have moved through these stages.

Protest stage — screaming, crying, and complaining to try to keep you there.
Despair — usually after you leave. They might drop to the floor, hide, or cry.
Adjustment — they calm down.
Emotional detachment — they get engaged in a game, toy, or talking with someone.

When I picked up my girls, they were happy to see me. They’d race around telling and showing me what they’d been up to. They were fine — no emotional damage done.

By trusting our children to move through these stages, we allow them to learn to cope with stress well and to head towards becoming the resilient, confident adults we want them to eventually be.

And we get an “A” in parenting! Well done, us!

So the next time they make a fuss, cling, and cry, have a quiet smile to yourself. Here’s a chance for your wonderful, highly sensitive child to learn and grow. Acknowledge their feelings, say goodbye, and then get out of there fast!

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Why Your Physical Environment Is So Important If You’re an HSP

Kelly Eden — Wed, 19 Feb 2025 08:00:00 +0000

In stressful environments, HSPs are more likely to become sick or burnout.

The walls were reverberating with noise. My heart raced. I felt my vision narrow and darken around the edges.

“Everyone! Quiet!” I yelled. My class of 36 kids froze. They knew something wasn’t right. Their teacher never yelled. I looked around at their concerned faces with my head throbbing.

Then I went blind.

I’d never experienced a migraine before. That’s what they decided it was. A visual migraine to add to the increasing list of health concerns that I seemed to be collecting. I’d dislocated a rib the week before. In the year and a half that I’d been teaching, I’d had more sick days than I was allowed. But worse was coming.

A few months later, I was hospitalized. My immune system shut down. I was sick and, still, I felt relieved. I had a reason to quit my job.

Stressful environments for a highly sensitive person (HSP) have a much bigger impact than for others. While other teachers could manage loud, busy classrooms, the emotional load, and hours of paperwork, my HSP nervous system couldn’t cope.

According to research by Thomas Boyce, M.D., highly sensitive people are more likely to become sick in stressful environments. They’re vulnerable to developing anxiety and panic attacks, depression, immune disorders, and even physical illnesses. This may sound like bad news, but there’s another side — we also do much better and get less sick than others in calm environments.

Elain Aron, one of the lead researchers into highly sensitive people, calls this “differential susceptibility.”

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Why HSPs Are More Vulnerable to Their Environment

Maybe you’ve noticed this situation: A stressful event occurs in a family such as poverty, death, divorce, or abuse, but the siblings react completely differently to it. One child seems to adjust and carry on as usual, while the other child becomes unwell, depressed, and vulnerable.

Differential susceptibility means HSPs do far worse than others in high-stress environments. Boyce, in his research, observed that HSP children experiencing stress at home were much more unwell than non-HSP children.

HSPs also find things stressful that others might not. Our sensitive nervous systems mean we process information differently and more deeply. Where one child might adjust to a loud, chaotic home environment, their HSP sibling might feel constantly overwhelmed and stressed — and get sick because of it.

Boyce also discovered that HSP children do far better in non-stressful environments than their non-HSP peers. This is the other side to differential susceptibility. In positive environments, they:

Are healthier.
Often do better academically and are more likely to develop areas of giftedness.
Thrive more than non-HSPs in a number of areas, including creativity.

He saw that when you take a non-HSP out of a stressful environment, it will have a small impact. Take an HSP child out of it, though, and the impact was dramatic. They were highly reactive to their environment — both the good and the bad.

What This Means for HSPs

High stress is far more dangerous for HSPs than for non-HSPs. Teaching was too high stress for me. I needed a much quieter environment with less people contact. As soon as I quit teaching, my health improved dramatically.

How can we reduce the negative impact of our differential susceptibility? It’s important that we:

1. Listen to our bodies.

Your body will tell you what you need if you pay attention. We live in a culture of pushing ourselves at work — hours are getting longer; bosses have higher expectations; we pressure ourselves to do better, produce more, and get bigger results; we pursue side-hustles, work two jobs, and set up businesses alongside our day jobs.

As HSPs, it’s important that we regularly check in with ourselves and ask, “Is my body (and mind) coping with the pressure I’m putting it under?”

Early signs that you need to rest are:

Rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, headaches, or upset stomach
Feeling excessively tired or tired all the time
Losing enthusiasm
Trouble concentrating and forgetfulness
Trouble sleeping or waking
Getting sick more often
Changes in your eating — appetite is less or more than normal

2. Actively reduce stress with healthy lifestyle choices.

Exercising produces endorphins which lift your mood, help you sleep better (making you more able to handle stressors), and reduces stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol.

Eating well, getting enough sleep, and balancing work and rest all play a part in helping you manage stress well.

3. Learn to say no.

To avoid conflict, some HSPs end up agreeing to do things they don’t want to do. Conflict can be difficult for an HSP, but learning to place firm boundaries is necessary and healthy.

When you say no, think of it as opening yourself up to saying yes to the opportunities you really want in your life. If you say no to a low paying job, you can be free to say yes to the higher paying one. If you say no to helping a friend clean her house, you can say yes to spending time with your family.

Don’t compare yourself to non-HSPs or think, “Everyone else seems to cope with this, so I should too.” Learn your own personal limits and don’t worry if they are different than those of other people. If you know the loud concert will be too much for your sensitive hearing, saying no is totally acceptable.

4. Assess our environment.

Work to reduce overstimulation and chaos in your home and workplace. As HSPs, we need to pay attention to creating calm environments for ourselves. This might mean doing a declutter, creating better storage spaces, or placing your desk in a different position (facing a corner, for example).

Here are more tips on how to create your own HSP sanctuary.

How to Make the Most of the Positives

Our differential susceptibility means we thrive and prosper more than non-HSPs in good environments. HSPs are deep thinkers and reflective, so when our environments are set up to be supportive and calm, we flourish. HSPs respond powerfully to:

Self-development and personal growth programs
Therapy
Self-care efforts
Mentoring or learning opportunities

High sensitivity makes us more affected by our environment, both negatively and positively. We probably didn’t have much control over the environment we grew up in as children, but as adults, we can make use of our susceptibility and see it as a strength rather than a weakness.

As HSPs, we can set ourselves up in environments where we flourish — using our sensitivity to grow, achieve our goals, and stand out among our non-HSP peers in a powerful way.

How does your environment affect you? What are some tips you have for creating a good one? Let me know in the comments below.

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12 Signs Your Child Is a Highly Sensitive Extrovert

Kelly Eden — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 12:00:00 +0000

It’s a misconception that highly sensitive people are shy or introverts. In fact, 30 percent of HSPs are actually extroverts. Is your child one of them? Here’s how to tell.

All the kids are backstage, made up and ready to go on. The director announces, “It’s a full house!” All the kids nervously groan — except mine.

My daughter is an extreme extrovert. She loves being on stage. She’s been on it since she was four, and she never gets nervous. In fact, when the director announced that it was a full house, she cheered. According to her, the more people watching, the better. Personally, I generally join the rest of the population who rank public speaking as their number one phobia. This is one of her superpowers.

My daughter is also a highly sensitive person. It’s a common misconception that highly sensitive people are shy or introverts. In her research, Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, found that 30 percent of HSPs are actually extroverts.

Could your child be one of them?

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Signs Your Child Is a Highly Sensitive Extrovert

Here are 12 signs that your child is a highly sensitive extrovert:

Despite being an “outward” personality, your child is a deep thinker. They have profound thoughts and big ideas, often surprising you with wisdom beyond their years.
Your child is very social. They rarely turn down a chance to be with friends.
They have a kind heart. Adults describe them as “gentle” and “empathetic to others.”
They’re extremely observant. They notice little details about people, art, music, or the world that others may miss.
They always want to go to social events. They seem to get energized while out and about with people.
Nevertheless, similar to introverts, they need solitude to recharge. After a busy day, your child needs alone time or a nap.
However, your child doesn’t prefer to be alone. They become bored, tired, or even feel a bit depressed if alone for long (even if they need that alone time to recharge!).
They’re often engaged in new, interesting, creative activities — especially when they take place outside the home and involve others.
When out, they often spark up conversations with others. They’ll even interact with strangers, and they’re happy, smiling, open, and engaging.
Your child easily makes new friends.
Your child loves working in a group or team.
Your child is emotional. They feel things deeply and care deeply about others and the world at large.

If your child fits a lot of these signs, they’re likely a highly sensitive extrovert.

The Superpowers of the Extroverted HSP

Being a highly sensitive person is a perfectly normal, healthy trait, and one that up to 20 percent of the population shares. Although it can be challenging at times to raise a child who feels and processes things deeply, this trait also comes with a lot of advantages. Here are four superpowers of the extroverted HSP:

Make Friends Easily

Wherever we go, my daughter makes friends in seconds. She makes each new friend feel special, and it’s not hard to see why they enjoy her company. Her bubbly, extroverted personality makes her great to be around, and her HSP awareness of feelings means she’s kind and shows empathy. Extroverted HSPs can build rapport quickly, tuning in to people and getting on with them at their level — easily adjusting the way they interact with others depending on their age, interests, personality, and mood.

And they make great friends too! Their HSP side is reflective and empathetic. And because they feel emotions so deeply, when you’re loved by an HSP, you really are loved! And an extroverted HSP will let you know it!

Talk with your child about their friends, as they will be a very valued part of their lives.

Compassionate Activists

Extroverted HSPs often get very passionate about a particular cause — they will think deeply about human rights or feel strongly about animal cruelty or damage to the environment. News items or documentaries about these types of issues tend to affect HSPs deeply. And with the outgoing nature of an extrovert — people are going to hear about it!

Encourage your child to think about a cause they want to support and help them come up with an action plan of how they can contribute or promote it.

Natural Ability to Perform Creatively

The highly sensitive person’s ability to notice things others don’t makes it easier for them to imitate others or develop characters. Being able to pick up on subtle body language, quirks, and mannerisms makes for effective acting (i.e., my daughter on stage before a packed house). Add to that the highly sensitive person’s extreme awareness of feelings, and you’ve got a powerful combination. HSPs who are introverted can obviously be actors, entertainers, and performers too (and many are), but the added extroversion brings a confidence that makes it very easy for these children to enjoy the stage.

If your child shows an interest, encourage drama classes or any opportunities to act, dance, perform, or sing.

Handle Crowds and Parties With a Little More Ease

In general, HSPs tend not to handle crowded spaces or parties all that well, but the more extroverted they are, the easier it is. Some even thrive on it! They might start planning their own parties and events, and with their tuned-in HSP side, they’re great at thinking about what their guests will enjoy and how to make them comfortable. My daughter started planning her own parties at age 11!

But remember, even if they really want to, planning a party will probably be overwhelming for an HSP at some point, and they’ll need your support to handle this — it’s a good opportunity to learn stress management. After any busy event, even extroverted HSP kids need quite a bit of downtime. But don’t expect them to go to bed easily that night — they might be far too overstimulated to sleep!

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The Special Connection Between Highly Sensitive Kids and Pets

Kelly Eden — Mon, 06 Jan 2025 07:00:00 +0000

For highly sensitive children, their bond with a pet can be a source of support in a world that’s often quite overwhelming.

Growing up, my dad never said no to a pet. As a result, my sisters and I ended up with no less than 14 pets at one point. We had everything from rats to birds to frogs to lizards. Perhaps he was a bit nuts letting us have so many pets (sorry Dad), but perhaps — raising three highly sensitive girls on his own — he was on to something.

The research on the benefits of pets is overwhelmingly positive. Companion animals appear to add psychological and physical health benefits to owners, as well as help in many areas of a child’s development. In fact, there are so many positives to owning pets that it’s hard to cover them all in one blog post. Those benefits appear to be even stronger for highly sensitive people (HSPs).

Raising two highly sensitive children myself, I was very interested in how pets benefit this 15 to 20 percent of the population — and I wanted to see what would happen if I gave my girls some pets of their own.

Let’s explore the special connection that highly sensitive children have with animals, and how pets can affect all of us positively. And if you’re a parent considering getting a pet for your sensitive kid, I’ll give you some pointers, based on my own experiences.

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Highly Sensitive Children Have a Special Connection to Animals

Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Child, writes that because of their strong empathy and emotional responsiveness, highly sensitive people often enjoy a special connection with animals.

“HSPs speak of having a special relationship with one domesticated species — dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, potbellied pigs — or with their own particular companion animal,” Aron explains. “Being sensitive to the animals around us can benefit them — not just their physical wellbeing but their mental health, too. And it benefits us by connecting us with individuals who are generally sensitive, subtle, discriminating, and loyal to their friends — like most [HSPs].”

In other words, HSPs aren’t just especially close with our pets. Those pets actually have a positive effect on us.

Certain animals are particularly easy to connect with. For example, horses can actually read human facial expressions. Not only that, they will remember your emotional state from earlier in the day and adapt their behavior based on it — you could almost say they have empathy. Meanwhile, research shows that looking into the eyes of a pet dog produces the same feelings of love, and same brain hormones, as feeling love for a human. And owners of cats, birds, and other types of pets know firsthand how each type of animal can bond with its owner in surprisingly deep ways.

This is meaningful for anybody, but it’s especially important for highly sensitive children. For them, the bond with a pet can be a source of support in a world that’s often quite overwhelming. Their pet may even understand them better than other people do!

Seriously? You Want a Pet?

Despite all the benefits, I was initially pretty reluctant to get pets for my girls. For starters, they take a lot of work (some pets more than others). I remember spending hours cleaning out animal cages, tanks, and bedding areas as a kid. All that poop! Ugh.

And then there’s the issue of good animal ownership. I hate seeing animals being mistreated and sometimes, little kids can be just plain nasty. Watching my friend’s preschooler dress her tiny dog in hundreds of plastic necklaces and princess frills and then cart it around making it “dance” is one of my most traumatic memories (at least as far as animals are concerned).

I was worried I’d spend my whole day telling my children off for not being careful enough with their pets. It was stressful enough getting the four year old to be careful with her baby sister, let alone a mouse she could potentially crush by accident.

So I let them get a snail. Actually, three snails.

These are much lower-maintenance creatures. But my daughters loved their snails. They played with them, raced them, fed them, helped clean out the cage, and learned about snails as animals.

And yes — one got squashed. And it was traumatic. But, it was just a snail — and the four year old learned a VERY unforgettable lesson about gentleness. Surprisingly, she also learned about the grieving process.

And that was the other reason I was reluctant to get pets.

Mummy, Do Pets Go to Heaven?

Pets don’t live that long — not even dogs. Inevitably, they die and it’s painful. Highly sensitive people are wired to feel emotions super strongly and so the (many) deaths of my (many) pets lingered as powerful, painful memories. Frankly, I wasn’t sure I could cope with taking my kids through that process.

But after the dropped-snail incident, the four year old seemed to show resilience in the grief process. She cried — loud, dramatic, rolling on the floor crying as only four year olds can, and then announced “I feel better now.” So we progressed from snails to rabbits.

When I discovered one morning before work that one (aptly named Angel) had died, I think I struggled with the idea of telling the kids more than was actually necessary. They were sad. They cried. We buried the rabbit. And they moved on.

As I discovered, if you help them through it, the passing of a pet can actually be a great opportunity for children to learn about the grief process — and that we can and do recover!

For HSPs, this is especially important, because an HSP’s strong emotions can be overwhelming. Highly sensitive children, in particular, need opportunities to learn to manage (but not suppress) their strong emotions and find ways to soothe themselves, like listening to an audiobook or wrapping up tight in a blanket.

Highly sensitive children need to know that grief looks different in different people and that there isn’t a right way to feel — that all feelings are totally normal and okay. And highly sensitive kids can sometimes be told they’re overreacting or being dramatic. When my daughter’s snail died, I could have said, “Get over it, it’s just a snail.” But by accepting their strong feelings, we’re telling our kids that they are okay and that we are there to support them in learning to manage their emotions.

What If You Can’t Get a Pet for Your Highly Sensitive Child?

I understand, though, that many living situations make pet ownership difficult. Luckily, there are other ways to include animals in your child’s world. For a whole year, my daughters and I volunteered as SPCA “kitten cuddlers.” It’s a real job! For an hour or two each week, we spent time petting and cuddling cats and kittens to socialize them, preparing them for their new families.

It was great for the cats — some of which came in fairly wild — but had many benefits for my children too. They got over their fear of cats (they had had a bad experience with a cat previously), developed deep compassion for them, and proved they could handle responsibility. In fact, as highly sensitive people tend to notice subtleties and tune in to others — including animals — my girls ended up being given the job of handling the very wild, difficult cats. The experience led to us adopting two cats of our own, who we adore.

Volunteering isn’t for everyone, and it’s not the only way. Dog walking, wild (safe) animals, the pet store, the zoo, and other people’s pets can all be alternative sources of animal contact.

Or there is one other option. Perhaps you could get your kids a snail?

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7 Ways to Give Your Highly Sensitive Child the Confidence They Need

Kelly Eden — Fri, 03 May 2019 16:09:34 +0000

“I can’t do it,” my seven-year-old highly sensitive daughter whispers to me backstage. She has been rehearsing for a large musical production for over two months now and opening night is about to start. I was worried about this when she got the part, but rehearsal had been going well so far.

Now there were tears.

“I can’t go on stage crying!” She’s starting to panic.

The stage manager ushers me away (no extras backstage now) and all I can do is wait nervously in the crowded audience. It’s a lot of people. I have no idea if she’ll make it past the curtain.

But she does. With a smile. In full character. She’s amazing and for the next six nights of performances, her confidence just grows and grows.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP) myself, I don’t think I’d have the confidence to get up and perform in front of hundreds of people, but both of my highly sensitive children do exactly that. Often!

HSPs often struggle with confidence. We can be labeled as shy, slow to warm up, or nervous.

But, as my kids have taught me, HSPs can overcome these labels and shine with confidence. Here’s why it’s such a struggle, and what you can do to help them overcome it.

Why Some HSP Kids Struggle with Confidence

All parents have heard how important confidence is in kids — and how it helps them develop skills that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

What’s much more mysterious is why some kids seem so confident, and others seem much less so. Highly sensitive kids, in particular, tend to need a little more support in developing confidence.

The Biology of Confidence

Unsurprisingly, confidence has its roots in our biology. Highly sensitive people have a strong Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS). The BIS is sort of the opposite of the brain’s reward system: It governs our response to things like punishments, boredom, and other negative stimuli. Because of their wiring, HSPs will “pause and check” frequently when faced with new experiences. This means that highly sensitive kids often take far more time than their peers to join in something new or get used to a situation — like a friend’s birthday party.

An active BIS also tends to mean higher levels of anxiety, at least in these sorts of new or threatening situations. That “pause and check” response involves thinking through all the potential bad outcomes. For a child, that usually means social threats (being made fun of, making a mistake, not being accepted), which are just as scary as physical threats. Will they get laughed at if they don’t know the rules of a party game?

For Sensitive Kids, Confidence Is More Than Just Genes

It’s not just biological. HSP children face other factors that can really affect confidence. For example:

HSPs account for only 15 to 20 percent of the population, so HSP children are often “different” from their peers;
HSPs experience strong emotional reactions, and being rejected or embarrassed is a much bigger deal;
Your HSP child may get overstimulated in many situations that other kids find “fun” (like a concert); and
For male HSP kids in particular, being sensitive is not always cool. They may find themselves bullied purely because of their sensitive personality.

Put all that together, and it means highly sensitive kids tend to worry more about things that could embarrass them, react more strongly to things that do embarrass them, and maybe even stand at higher risk of being ostracized in the first place. So it’s no surprise that many will struggle with confidence, whether joining in at a party or performing on stage.

Sensitive Kids Can Still Be Confident (and When They Are, It’s Amazing)

Every sensitive child, no matter how shy or nervous they are, is able to develop confidence. And, as a parent, helping them do so is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

Self-confidence (what we think and feel about ourselves) is important for communication, relationships, reaching goals, and even later career success. So when we support our children to grow in confidence, we are putting a down payment on their future.

For highly sensitive children, that’s arguably even more true. Not just because HSPs face a stigma, and confidence helps them overcome it — although that’s very real. But also because HSPs, in general, tend to be even more affected by their childhood environment than non-HSPs. A healthy environment doesn’t just make them “well adjusted,” it helps them shine as highly gifted individuals.

In other words: a confident, happy HSP child is likely to turn their natural strengths into superpowers. That includes creativity, people skills, a kind heart, and an infectious positivity. It also includes their intuitive ability to make connections that others miss.

And it turns out, there are a lot of things you can do to help them get there.

7 Things Highly Sensitive Children Need to Build Confidence

1. Help them understand high sensitivity and that it’s okay to be an HSP.

From an early age, your child may notice they are more sensitive than their peers. They may recognize that they are the only child who is afraid to go on the big slide, the only one who is too scared to perform at a school assembly, or that they cry more than other kids. They might even comment on this.

Being an HSP is normal (about 1 in 5 people!) and there are incredibly special traits that come with it. Helping your child to see the positive sides to being an HSP will contribute to how they see themselves — and build their self-confidence.

2. Listen to them.

HSP children can take longer to get their ideas out or think through things, and are sensitive to how you respond. If they are interrupted, criticized, or if you finish their sentences, your child may think their ideas don’t matter or are no good. This will influence how they feel about themselves.

They need uninterrupted, non-critical, focused attention. Show interest in your child’s ideas (even if you have a better or more correct idea) — it’s important for their confidence.

3. Model confidence for them.

Our children are watching us all the time for cues on how to behave in the world. If you are shy or lack confidence, they will notice. This could be a good opportunity to challenge yourself. And even if you don’t feel confident, there is no reason why you can’t look it! Work on standing up taller, lifting your head up as you enter a room, making strong eye contact, and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. As you learn more “confidence skills”, this will rub off on your child.

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4. Encourage practice, praise persistence, and be positive about failures.

Kids get confidence and resilience from seeing that they can push through life’s challenges. Psychologist Carl Pickhardt talks about teaching your child to say these three phrases:

“I can do it” (believing in yourself),
“I want to make the effort” (motivating yourself), and
“I will give it a good try” (committing yourself to it)

And if they fail, that’s totally okay! Show them that failure is a healthy, normal part of life — a temporary setback. And, since confidence comes with repeatedly succeeding, steer them toward challenges they can succeed at eventually, and give them positive support when they have a setback.

5. Teach them to visualize it.

Imagining and doing are very similar to the brain. HSP are great at thinking in depth and imagining a situation, so use this to your child’s advantage. They may be imagining all the negative things that could happen in a situation (all those risks), but you can help them imagine the positives instead.

One easy technique that’s backed by research is mentally travelling into the future and imagining the great things that might happen.

If your child has a party to go to, for example, you could talk about and imagine some of the exciting parts — how there will be a delicious cake and lots of yummy food, how the games will be really fun, and everyone will be laughing and having a good time. This alone can help your child feel more confident going into it.

6. Support them in solving problems for themselves as much as possible.

Let them give it a go first before you offer to help. Don’t jump in too early. HSPs need a bit more processing time (because we process so deeply), so allow them that time.

If they are nervous for the school play, ask them what they think might help them feel calmer (rather than suggesting something). Or, if they need confidence to talk to another child, see if they can work out a conversation starter. Coming up with their own solutions gives your child confidence in their abilities.

7. Teach self-evaluation rather than self-criticism, especially for HSP teens.

HSPs can be highly critical of themselves, and self-criticism drives confidence way down.

According to Dr. Pickhardt, so does parental criticism — even when it’s unintentional. For example, if your child or teen makes a mistake, it’s important to talk about the behavior that wasn’t okay rather than criticize their character. In other words, it’s much more helpful to say, “You need to do your homework before you play video games,” rather than, “You’re being lazy.”

A little positive assurance helps too — maybe, “You’re smart, and you work hard on things you care about. I know you can get this homework done.”

Ultimately, every child will have to confront self-doubt and their share of failures. And every child is able to overcome it and build confidence anyway — even highly sensitive children. It’s okay for your HSP child to not be confident all the time. Especially when they’re getting the message that they have what it takes.

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5 Things Every Highly Sensitive Teen Needs to Thrive

Kelly Eden — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 13:00:59 +0000

As my oldest daughter approaches thirteen, I have become more conscious of what she will need to negotiate her teen years as a highly sensitive person (HSP).

As an HSP myself, there were things that worked for me during my teen years — such as creative outlets for my strong emotions — and things that really didn’t. Most HSPs struggle to deal with our emotions, relationships, and identity as teens, perhaps more so than others. We’re far more impacted by our environment, too: an HSP will do even better in a supportive environment, and even worse in an unhealthy one, compared to other kids.

Now that I’m a parent, I want to give my HSP teens the environment and tools she needs to thrive — not to struggle. Here are five things that our wonderful highly sensitive teens need from us that will help them flourish.

5 Things Highly Sensitive Teens Absolutely Need

1. An understanding of what it means to be highly sensitive

High sensitivity often seems like a weakness. HSPs could easily label themselves as shy, too sensitive, a “cry baby,” or anxious. When I was a teen, I thought I was overly emotional and hated that I would burst into tears over the smallest things — even when I wasn’t feeling sad!

But high sensitivity has some amazing positives. Highly sensitive people are deep thinkers, tuned in to other people and their emotions, and see things that others miss. They are creative, peace-loving, and full of empathy. Highly sensitive people (and highly sensitive teens) can be introverted or extroverted, high sensation seeking or happier with routine.

Helping your teen discover their own unique strengths and understand their high sensitivity will boost their self-confidence. It will give them a sense of positive identity — which is essential for HSPs of all ages, but especially teens.

2. Alone time

Our teens lead busy lives. With busy school schedules and increased workloads, sports practices, after-school activities, and friendships, the weeks can fill up quickly.

Being a highly sensitive person might mean your teen gets overwhelmed more easily by these events — or by big groups or parties. For a teen, this can also seem like a weakness, because it may look like their friends have all the energy they need.

The truth is, enjoying downtime and having space are key things that HSPs need to be happy. The sooner a highly sensitive teen learns to value such downtime, the sooner they can start feeling comfortable and in control of their personality. Help them schedule in periods of quiet alone time, and encourage them to rest if they seem emotional or stressed.

Likewise, if you teach them relaxation techniques, talk to them about self care, and help them discover ways to recharge, it will benefit them for the rest of their lives. And this is true no matter how social or outgoing they are — even extroverts need alone time!

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3. Sleep

Teens in general struggle to get enough sleep. About 8-10 hours a night is the recommended amount for teenagers, but researchers have found that many are not getting anywhere near that.

The reasons vary. For some teens, late nights on their devices are the cause, and researchers suggest that dimming lights at night and having device-free time might help. Others say that teens’ shifting circadian rhythms are the problem. During the teen years, sleep patterns can shift and end up 2-3 hours out from adults’ rhythm. This might mean you are ready for bed at 10 p.m. but your teen is wide awake until midnight. Either way, this lack of sleep has profound health effects.

But sleep is even more essential for deep-thinking highly sensitive teens, because their brains do a lot of processing during the night. Sleep plays a critical role in brain health and development; without enough of it, your teen will be more emotional and less able to cope with the pressures of the day. In other words, lack of sleep is a disaster for highly sensitive people.

If your teen has to get up early for school, there may not be much you can do about this, but it does make a difference to encourage them to rest their bodies. Teach them good sleep habits — such as no devices two hours before sleep, plenty of exercise early in the day, and not eating late at night — and try to be forgiving if they sleep till noon on weekends.

4. A sense of control

Teens want to feel an increasing sense of ownership and power, but often this is the age when parents tighten their control. That means that, counter-intuitively, much of a teen’s surly or rebellious behavior is actually precipitated by the parent.

It’s easy to see why. When our children are young, we have almost complete say over what they do, and when. As they grow, it’s our job to give them more and more control, preparing them for the adult world by teaching them to make their own choices. But it can be hard for a parent to let go of the level of control they once had, especially when they can already see their teen pulling away and acting more independently — which can be scary for a parent.

But giving them that freedom is crucial for a teen’s development (and happiness). Highly sensitive teens, in particular, feel anxious when they don’t have control over their own lives, and that anxiety can last well into adulthood. With their ability to think deeply, it’s important that they feel heard, can voice their own opinions, and have them valued and respected. They may lack the experience of an adult, but it’s likely they’re already thinking things through very carefully before acting — that’s a key HSP trait.

So, within reason, give your HSP teen the freedom to choose, knowing full well that they will sometimes make mistakes. As long as the potential mistakes are not life-altering (like unprotected sex or drinking and driving), you will see them truly blossom when you gradually increase their responsibility and freedom.

5. Our support and guidance

Even though we want to increase their freedom, our teens definitely still need guidance from us. The teenage brain does an incredible amount of shuffling, rearranging, and growing new connections; unfortunately, that means teens don’t always make the best decisions. This is because the prefrontal cortex is the last part of their brain to mature. This is the part of our brains responsible for all our self-control, personality expression, planning, decision-making, ability to think about future consequences, and even to suppress urges that would be socially unacceptable.

So, when teens act like teens, it’s their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex at work.

During all this massive brain development, highly sensitive teens are vulnerable to depression and anxiety just like other teenagers — perhaps even more so.

But it also affects them in unique ways. Their ability to tune in to the emotions of others means they may get caught up in frequent dramas at school, be deeply affected by their friends’ problems, and get heart-broken more easily (and yes, there are things you can do to help your teen recover from heartbreak). They may also go deep into their negative thoughts and emotions, processing them over and over. All of this paints an image of a sensitive empath who gets overwhelmed by issues and problems in the world — and that’s a very accurate image of a highly sensitive teen.

As a parent, you have to be their bedrock.

One of the most important jobs you can do for your highly sensitive teen is to be available to listen, tune into their emotions (which helps them learn emotion regulation), and be a sounding board for their thoughts. Often, this will mean remaining non-judgmental and giving support before advice. It’s hard, but it’s what your teen needs.

Highly Sensitive Teens Can Thrive, Too

The teen years for a highly sensitive person can be creative, powerful, and fun as they explore their friendships and talents, but it can also be a very challenging time. As parents of highly sensitive teens, we play a huge role in helping them flourish during this time. And there is no better way to do that than to give them the environment and support they need.

Because, as parents, we know a secret that our children don’t: our teens need us more than they think they do.

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Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?

Kelly Eden — Fri, 28 Dec 2018 14:00:49 +0000

I wish I’d known when I had my babies that I was a highly sensitive person — and that they might be too. I look back now on a number of times when I was baffled by my first child’s behavior. She was a premature baby, but the ONLY one crying all the time in the NICU unit.

During those early baby months, I often found myself shielding her eyes to avoid her getting overstimulated. No one else in my mother’s group needed to do that with their babies. And as a toddler, she was social and happy but she would become overwhelmed easily, start crying, and just not be able to calm herself down. I can see now that those moments were actually a sign of her highly sensitive nature.

Highly sensitive kids are amazing. In our society, sensitivity can be seen as a problem or disadvantage. When you have a baby or young child that gets overstimulated, has trouble sleeping, and finds it hard to self-soothe, it definitely seems like a problem. But there are many incredible things about being highly sensitive.

Highly sensitive people are empathetic to others and animals, are very tuned in to emotions, think deeply, and see details others miss. Highly sensitive kids are curious, full of wonder, kind, and reflective. They surprise you with their ideas and the little amazing things that they notice in the world around them!

What Makes Someone Highly Sensitive?

About 15-20 percent of the population are highly sensitive. It’s also a trait that both introverts and extroverts can have. Often, people think HSPs are shy or timid, but that’s not necessarily accurate. Yes, highly sensitive people can be shy and quiet, but they can also be confident, talkative, or excitable.

High sensitivity looks different in different people but, according to Dr. Elaine Aron, there are four areas (D.O.E.S) that all highly sensitive people share to some degree:

1. Depth of Processing

Highly sensitive people think deeply about things. They reflect on ideas or on what they have seen or done. They often spend a lot of time thinking before they act or take a long time making decisions.

2. Overstimulation

Highly sensitive people, especially children, get overstimulated more easily than others of the same age because of all the deep processing and detail noticing that they are doing. Of course, all young children and babies get overstimulated sometimes — the world is so new! So the key element here is that they are MORE easily overwhelmed by stimulation than others their age.

3. Empathy/ Emotional Responsiveness

Feelings are the language of highly sensitive people. They view the world through an emotional lens. HSPs are extremely aware of their own emotions and those of others and can even “feel” or take on the emotions of others.

4. Sensitivity to Subtleties

HSPs tend to notice things or make connections that others fail to see. They’re naturals when it comes to picking up on little details or subtle cues. This doesn’t mean they have super-hearing or vision; it’s simply what happens when the nervous system is wired to process stimulation deeply. The result is that HSPs will notice seemingly “insignificant” distractions, noises, smells, or tastes that others don’t seem to notice.

Highly sensitive people have all four of these aspects. Some other traits or conditions such as giftedness, autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, anxiety, and ADHD can overlap with high sensitivity. For example, a child with autism may despise the smell of hot dogs cooking in the school cafeteria, and a highly sensitive child may also be quite bothered by the smell. However, autism and other conditions are not the same as high sensitivity, and they have different biological roots. Also, be aware that someone can be both highly sensitive and have ADHD, for example.

Signs Your Child Is Highly Sensitive

Is your child highly sensitive? Here are 11 things to look for:

Time limits/deadlines or harsh correction causes a meltdown.
They asks a lot of deep questions.
They seem to be an “old soul” or very intuitive — they often surprise you with their wisdom!
They notice when others are feeling down, even if the other person hasn’t expressed it out loud.
They’re quite bothered by noisy places (like a restaurant or a busy day care) or get easily distracted by repetitive sounds, like a ticking clock.
They feel things deeply and are highly emotional.
They can’t stand certain sensations, like wet clothes.
Generally, they prefer quiet play over very active play.
They may use large words for their age.
They don’t cope well with change or big surprises.
They notice details, such as in art or nature, or if something has been changed.

Each child is different, and especially if they are an extrovert or high sensation seeker, they might behave differently than the ways described in this list but still fit into the four highly sensitive aspects above.

Want to learn more? Check out Dr. Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Child if you think your child may be a highly sensitive person.

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Highly Sensitive Extroverted Kids Need Alone Time Too

Kelly Eden — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 14:00:46 +0000

Extroverted kids love to fill their days with friends, activities, and social events, but if they’re having meltdowns, they may be overdoing it. Especially if they’re also a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Extroverts only make up 30 percent of the group of people who are highly sensitive, according to research by Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Child. And because of this, people often mistakenly believe that only introverts can be highly sensitive. They think of all HSPs as shy, timid, and withdrawn.

However, HSPs can be far from it! Both myself and my two daughters are friendly, outgoing, bubbly, and confident. We’re also highly sensitive people.

What Is a Highly Sensitive Person?

Highly sensitive people show four aspects:

Depth of Processing — they have a tendency to process or reflect deeply
Easily Overstimulated — more so than others of a similar age
Emotional Reactivity and Empathy — feel their own and others’ emotions strongly
Sensitive to Stimuli — Notice small details or changes in sounds, smells, sights, etc.

Highly sensitive people have all four of these traits but can express them differently. Extroverted highly sensitive children, for example, might express their tendency to reflect deeply by asking hundreds of questions or passionately talking about their ideas to everyone they meet.

They might experience overstimulation as overexcitement. Or be pulled between really wanting to socialize (because extroverts get energized by people) and finding the busy environment too much after a while.

‘My Child’s an Extrovert So I Keep Their Calendar Full of Activities’

This can be the temptation with extroverted children. My older daughter keeps a very busy schedule. She’s always finding new activities she wants to try out. She wants to swim, sing, play piano, be involved in every group dance and duo, every movie-making club, every musical! But that’s the key here. Her schedule is full of activities SHE wants to try.

Although they look like typical extroverts, highly sensitive extroverts get overstimulated easily — and especially if they are made to do busy activities or social events they haven’t chosen themselves.

The biggest meltdowns my daughter has are always after busy days where she has had no say in the schedule.

“Our excursions in the outer world need to be novel, and chosen by us, based on our individual needs, or else the activity can become just as overstimulating for us as the introvert HSP. And even when we are out, very much enjoying ourselves, we can often return home overstimulated, physically tired, and in need of extra sleep or processing time.” -Licensed professional counsellor, Jacquelyn Strickland

Overstimulation in an Extroverted Child

It isn’t always obvious when an extroverted child is becoming overstimulated. Sometimes the meltdowns happen suddenly and unexpectedly!

The more new or different a situation is, the more quickly they will become overstimulated. All young children experience this — non-highly sensitive children too. And the younger they are, the more easily they are overstimulated. Everything is new and different to a little baby! Processing new information is tiring for your brain. You’ve probably experienced this feeling yourself when you’ve been studying or in a new job.

With the highly sensitive child’s tendency to process things deeply and notice small details, becoming overstimulated happens much more quickly.

Signs Your Highly Sensitive Child Is Overstimulated

Here are some signs that your highly sensitive child — introvert or extrovert — is overstimulated:

They will have trouble sleeping the night before or after an event
Vacations or fun days end in tears, grumpy moods, or tantrums
Extreme reactions to pain (even minor bumps and knocks become a big deal)
Strong resistance to changes of any kind; tears and meltdowns when there is a change
Surprises (even fun ones) are met with resistance or tears
Loud noises “hurt”
Every little thing becomes a big deal — even things they usually cope well with
Time or other pressures cause a meltdown
Overly emotional; can’t seem to calm themselves down

Alone Time: Love It or Hate It, They Need It

One of the differences between the introverted HSP and the extroverted one is that while an introvert enjoys alone time, seeks it out, and recharges that way, an extroverted HSP doesn’t necessarily prefer being alone.

In fact, if you recognize that your crying, grumpy 12 year old is actually overstimulated and needs alone time, they might resist your suggestion. Mine usually does. As much as they need it to recover from their busy day, rest and recharge from all that socializing, they often don’t enjoy it.

And too much alone time can leave an extrovert feeling tired, and even a bit low.

But it’s a balance they need to learn. For extroverted highly sensitive children, it’s important that they learn their limits and to recognize when they need alone time to avoid a meltdown.

Alone Time Activities for Extroverted Kids

Here are some great alone time activities for highly sensitive extroverted children:

Listening to an audiobook they love
Drawing or coloring
Listening to music
Wrapping up in a blanket and reading a book
Sitting in the same room as others but with headphones on
Building with Legos
Playing with toys
Painting
Spending time looking at Pinterest
Watching a movie or TV show (although screen-free time is usually better)
Going for a walk in nature
Going for a bike ride

If you’re wondering if your child may be highly sensitive, there are some great resources available. Try Dr. Elaine Aron’s test or take a look at our “highly sensitive person signs” article.

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