There are many positives to being a highly sensitive person (HSP). Some are less obvious than others and some remain hidden to the outside world. But what if all the non-HSPs around us knew just what we HSPs bring to the table, in all sorts of situations? 

HSPs have valuable traits and skills that benefit everyone around us — like our heightened intuition and the way we can read how others are feeling before they even utter a word. But there are particular situations where we truly come into our own. Here are 11 of those times. 

11 Moments Where You Really, Really Need an HSP

1. When a fire alarm goes off

Pre-empting danger is an HSP superpower. When that fire alarm goes off, you’ll be glad there’s a highly sensitive person around. We know exactly where the nearest fire escape is located. That notice on the back of the hotel door detailing what to do in an emergency? The one you ignored? We’ve studied it in detail between showering and coming down for dinner. Just in case. So be sure to follow us if that fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night and you’re stumbling around all sleepy eyed looking for safety. 

2. When an innovative solution is needed

HSPs are skilled in right brain thinking — we thrive on being able to hone in on an issue and put our problem-solving skills to the ultimate test. Our complex inner lives help us to tap into our creativity — and that translates into creative solutions for you. And be assured, our minds are always on the go mulling over issues, like a hamster on a wheel. In short, we are problem solvers extraordinaire… as long as you give us ample space and time to consider the matter at hand.

3. When you need a reminder that the small things matter, too

HSPs notice the details and thrive on the beauty of the little things around us: the wonder of drops of dew on the lush green leaves on a morning walk, the miracle of a deep crimson sky as the sun sets for the day, the simple joy a favorite piece of music evokes, the smile from a loved one as you enter a room, or a hug that soothes your soul. Even if it is just for a minute. We all get lost in our to-do lists and daily lives — and sometimes need a reminder that the small things may well be the things that matter most.

4. When you need to get things done

You don’t have to tell an HSP twice to get something done. If there’s something sensitive people are, it’s conscientious. Quite simply, we don’t like the consequences of not finishing an assigned task. If the environment is conducive to concentrating, then an HSP will get the job done. As the mother of two HSP middle schoolers, this trait is a godsend when it comes to getting that homework done. As a bonus, if the task relates to a cause that a highly sensitive person cares about, we require little supervision or external motivation. We will get it done.

5. When you need emotional support

When you are in need of a listening ear, then an HSP is there for you. Empathetic is our middle name. We pick up the emotional and non-verbal signals and body language, i.e., all the words you don’t say so you can’t hide emotions from us. We feel the mood in a room and soak up emotions like a sponge. We are invested. It is in our nature to offer a shoulder to lean, or cry, on when things are tough. Don’t ask us to fix your problems for you (that puts too much of a burden on us).But if a listening ear is what you need, then we are there for you. 

6. When you need to make an important decision

If thorough consideration, reflection, and a dash of intuition is what you need, then approach a highly sensitive soul for help. When we make decisions, we don’t make them lightly. You can be sure that we have considered every single pro and every single con — and carefully weighed them up against each other. We have truly considered every outcome. We mull over possible consequences prior to acting. We also remember previous mistakes, process them, and use the learnings to avoid similar mistakes in the future. Conversely, if you want a quick, impulsive decision, don’t come to us.

7. When you need someone to consider the meaning of life with you

We will happily be your sparring partner when it comes to discussing things that really matter: the injustice of it all, climate problems, inequality, our place in the world. What is our purpose? Why are we here? Spiritual matters occupy a space in our heads continually. It doesn’t mean we are religious, but the big complex issues facing the human race are definitely on our preferred conversation topic lists. The hefty challenges facing humanity matter deeply to us. Are you interested in small talk? No thanks.

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8. When you need the errors weeded out

HSPs are perceptive. Tasks that require high attention to detail are tasks made just for us. We see mistakes without looking for them — they seem to jump out at us on a page. We’re the people that can’t just overlook and forgive an error in the book we’re reading; we’re scouring for contact details and emailing the publisher so they can sort it out for the next edition. (That’s not just me, right?) We see errors as if there’s a flashing neon arrow pointing to them. We spot them so you can sidestep them. (You’re welcome.)

9. When you need a good party organizer

We revel in spreading joy and excitement. HSPs like to make others feel good. Situations where people can be together and experience happiness? We are there for you. Attention to detail, anticipating the needs of others, tapping into the emotions of others, thorough planning so that nothing is left to chance, and checking the details, not just once or twice, but meticulously — all skills that make us excellent party organizers. Just please don’t organize a big surprise celebration for us in return.

10. When you need a leader

For all the reasons above, HSPs make effective leaders. As empathetic listeners, HSPs lead with heart and soul and understand the needs of others. They also encourage team members to make valuable contributions and ensure that all voices are heard within a team. Because these are things that genuinely matter to an HSP in the workplace. On the other hand, if you are looking for a leader that dedicates themselves to office politics, lacks ethics, and puts profit first at the expense of people, then put that HSP to the bottom of your selection list.

11. When you need a friend… for life

Quality over quantity: that’s the HSP motto when it comes to friendship. Once you have truly been let into a HSP’s inner circle, you are there for life. Need somebody that seems to know what you are thinking? Has your back when you need support? Makes you feel heard and appreciated? Provides a listening ear and an insightful response? That’s a highly sensitive person. When the friendship is genuine, you get to see the real version of your highly sensitive friend. And that is something special indeed. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 14 Reasons Why I’m Thankful for Being a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why I Love Being Highly Sensitive And You Can, Too
• 18 Things That Fill Highly Sensitive People With Joy

The post 11 Moments When You Really, Really Need an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

“I think it might be in your head,” my new gastroenterologist said to me as he pressed on my stomach. I winced in pain. “Are you sure you aren’t just stressed out?” he asked.

Tears started welling up in my eyes. He was the second gastroenterologist who’d told me this. “No, I know there’s something wrong with me. I’m sick every day,” I said quietly.

Unable to find the issue, he sent me home that day without a diagnosis. I remember calling my mom that night in tears. “No one knows what’s wrong with me,” I cried. “I’m starting to think I’ll never feel normal again.”

This exchange with the gastroenterologist took place before I learned I was a highly sensitive person (HSP). It was before I discovered, months later, that my mysterious stomach issues were very real and caused by SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth). It was before I understood the impact a sensitive nervous system can have on a person’s health.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t yet learned how to advocate for my needs. In fact, I didn’t really know what my needs were, so I’d gone to many doctors who didn’t quite know how to help me either.

Julie Bjelland, a psychotherapist and sensitivity expert, is passionate about empowering highly sensitive people. She believes one of the most important ways we HSPs can do that is by learning to advocate for our needs. Bjelland told me that she’s seen too many HSPs go through situations similar to mine, or worse, as a result of their medical team not understanding their sensitivity. 

Believe it or not, many medical professionals are unfamiliar with the trait of high sensitivity — so, as a result, doctors’ visits are different for highly sensitive people.That’s why Bjelland created a form letter for HSPs to share with their medical practitioners as a way to explain the trait to them.

Otherwise, this disconnect can result in HSPs being misunderstood, misdiagnosed, or even improperly medicated. That’s why, when we HSPs take our needs into our own hands, we not only feel more empowered, but we also receive the treatment that’s best for us. And telling our medical practitioners — doctors, therapists, you name it — that we’re HSPs is the first step.  

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

What Exactly Is High Sensitivity and How Does It Make Medical Care Different?

High Sensitivity is also scientifically known as sensory processing sensitivity. People with the trait of high sensitivity have highly sensitive nervous systems and are deeply affected by subtleties in their environment. Due to their highly sensitive nervous systems, they have a tendency to get overstimulated by things like bright lights, itchy clothing tags, or loud noises, to name a few.

Most highly sensitive people will probably tell you they’ve always felt different than their less sensitive counterparts. HSPs tend to shy away from small talk, preferring deep, meaningful conversations. They also find themselves needing more sleep, alone time, and space between social engagements.

In our daily lives, most of us HSPs understand what we need. We know we enjoy more downtime, space, and quiet than most people. But, what about when it comes to our medical care? Speaking from my own experience, at least, I didn’t understand that being an HSP affected the type of medical care I needed, too.

Bjelland explains how the HSP brain is different and why this affects us. “We even have brain differences that impact us in different ways,” she says. “For example, there is more activation in the amygdala that can activate the fight/flight part of the brain, causing anxiety and even panic attacks for some. There is more depth of processing and more data input into the entire system.”    

She says this is also a sensory processing sensitivity; in other words, that an overloaded nervous system can cause many symptoms that practitioners might misinterpret and misdiagnose. “If a practitioner understands this and can teach their patients/clients ways of reducing this overload naturally, they will have better outcomes,” she says. 

Can you imagine how this would change medical appointments for us HSPs for the better?

A natural method Bjelland uses with HSP clients to help get rid of their anxiety is brain training. She teaches them how to activate calming centers that deactivate their stress centers and has seen improvement within just 1-2 weeks. “Many clients have come to me suffering years of issues,” she says. “Within weeks, they feel better using these methods and understanding why they are the way they are.”

Highly Sensitive People Are Often Misunderstood by Their Medical Practitioners    

If you’re a highly sensitive person, you know that we tend to be more sensitive to pain (both emotional and physical) than non-HSPs. This comes with the territory of being highly sensitive, right? We seem to feel everything more deeply than others — which is both a blessing and a curse. Because of this, we may feel misunderstood, or even judged, when we react strongly to pain that may be “not that bad” for someone else.

In the same way that many HSPs try to mask their sensitive nature to fit in at social situations, we may try to hide our sensitivity when it comes to our health, as well.

In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Elaine Aron explains that because we HSPs are extraordinarily aware of subtle physical changes, this may sound off “false alarms” when it comes to our health. Many of us can relate to going to the doctor when we’ve noticed something off in our bodies, only to hear that it’s “all in our head.”

Being dismissed in this way can cause HSPs to feel self-conscious or embarrassed about seeing a doctor in the future. To avoid seeming like we’re “overreacting,” we may begin to wait until our symptoms become dangerous before finally getting medical attention.

I remember feeling wildly misunderstood and alone in my journey with digestive issues. I knew I had these symptoms, yet there wasn’t a doctor who could diagnose me. In understanding my sensitivity today, I can now see that I was acutely aware of the shifts taking place in my body.

Bjelland says I may have felt those shifts in my body because HSPs have more activation in the insula part of the brain, the area that gives them an incredible amount of early somatic information. “HSPs often have the gift of being aware of symptoms before they even show up on tests, and that means they can catch problems early and have better outcomes medically,” she says. “They need practitioners who believe them and know about this higher level of awareness.”

Being a highly sensitive person is a delicate dance of getting to know ourselves, trusting ourselves, and then having the wherewithal to advocate for ourselves. Things are simply a little bit different for us. And since we HSPs make up only about 20 percent of the population, the majority of people around us won’t understand our sensitivity trait, so it’s important that we tell them about it. Especially the people whose medical care we are in.

Depending on the situation, of course, natural remedies are often a great place to start for highly sensitive people seeking medical treatment. Because, as you may have guessed, HSPs tend to be more sensitive to medication, too. This means that if a doctor doesn’t understand our sensitive system, there’s a possible risk of being overmedicated.

Bjelland experienced the danger of this in her own life. She told me, “Many sensitive adults and children have been given inaccurate diagnoses and improperly and dangerously medicated,” she says. “When I was younger, before I knew about the trait, I’d been improperly medicated and suffered serious side effects that almost cost me my life.”

From a therapeutic standpoint, Bjelland has found that even the most simple, natural remedies work really well for HSPs. She says, “Simply spending more time in nature and daily quiet alone time with sensory breaks is the greatest medicine for most HSPs and natural, with no side effects! I have had countless therapists tell me they finally understand how to help their clients after they learn about the trait.”

From a personal standpoint, I can attest to the power of natural remedies for HSPs. In my journey with digestive issues, I finally found healing when I began working with a holistic practitioner who understood my sensitive needs. With his guidance, I learned the proper diet, supplements, and stress-reduction tactics to support my system in order to heal. Some of my favorite stress-reduction tactics are guided meditations, gentle yoga, and simply spending time in nature. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

How to Explain High Sensitivity to Your Medical Team

For HSPs, the thought of explaining our sensitivity trait to a well-trained medical professional might feel daunting. Who am I to tell them? we might be thinking. Remember, though, being an empowered HSP means advocating for our needs! We can also make this explanation much easier by utilizing the form letter created by Bjelland.

In addition to sharing the form letter with our medical team, Bjelland has some tips on how to best approach this conversation. “I believe that going about it as if you are educating them about something important is helpful,” she says. And the language you use is also important. 

She recommends saying something like:

“Have you heard about the trait of high sensitivity that 20 percent of the population has? It’s also called Sensory Process Sensitivity. You have probably noticed about 1 out of 4 or 5 patients seem more sensitive in different areas. I wanted to give you this letter so you could understand me better, because I believe it’s essential for you to know about the trait to provide me with the best care.”

If you’re explaining your trait to your therapist — or another type of medical professional — you can share a similar sentiment. It also may be helpful to note that, according to Bjelland, at least half of the people in therapy are likely to have the trait of high sensitivity. With this in mind, your sharing about this trait may help their other clients, too!

As highly sensitive people, we have an opportunity for so much personal growth when we’re informed about the way our unique systems work. Speaking from personal experience, my years with digestive issues were some of the hardest of my life, but they also gifted me the most growth. They taught me how to listen to my body, trust myself, and advocate for my needs. I’m happy to share that, today, digestive issues are no longer a part of my life.

When we learn how to advocate for ourselves, we step into an empowered space. Learning how to speak up for ourselves not only improves our lives, but it inspires the other highly sensitive people around us to do the same.

Click here to download Julie Bjelland’s letter to medical practitioners that explains high sensitivity.

Want to learn how to reduce stress and thrive as a highly sensitive person? We recommend Julie Bjelland’s online courses for HSPs. Click here to learn more.

You might like:

• Why Doctor Visits Really Are Different for Highly Sensitive People
• 9 Ways I Manage My Chronic Illness as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Verbal Communication Can Be Difficult for Quiet HSPs — and How to Change That

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The post Should You Tell Your Medical Providers That You’re an HSP? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Remember when people used to say they were “high on life?” I’ve definitely felt that phenomenon, but I have also felt very low too. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I tend to feel all emotions to the extreme. For me, when dealing with any sort of big life change, my emotions feel like they’re on a rollercoaster. One minute, so excited — and the next panicked and tortured about dealing with it, even if it’s positive.

This happens to HSPs because the parts of our brains that process emotions are more active than they are in other people. We’re wired to experience the world with greater emotional “vividness,” almost like we’re seeing it in HD.

And, while that can be incredible with happy emotions, it makes negative emotions completely overwhelming. A single small source of anxiety can derail me for days. In fact, believe this is a common reason why many highly sensitive people feel like something is “wrong with them” or they wish to erase their high sensitivity for good.

Here’s why negative emotions hit HSPs hard — and what you can do to deal with them.

Why Negative Emotions Hit Hard for HSPs

Besides processing all emotions vividly, HSPs also deal with more emotions than the average person. This is because we tend to absorb emotions from other people (or just from the mood in the room). In other words, we don’t just deal with our own negative feelings, we have to deal with everyone else’s, too.

And we can easily get stuck in them. When you feel things so strongly and deeply, as HSPs do, and you’re picking them up everywhere you go, sometimes you have to take time to figure out what you’re even feeling and why. Are you anxious because of how that job interview went? Or is it just because the interviewer seemed distracted? Or, is it because the barista at the coffee shop was having a bad day and didn’t realize he was practically screaming it with his body language?

Sometimes, you end up harboring emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety for reasons that aren’t even yours to deal with. Other times, they’re definitely your own — but you’re feeling them so strongly that it’s hard to even visualize them ever getting better.

Either way, that’s when it’s time to step back and start to process them — in a way that will actually help you get “un-stuck.”

5 Steps to Deal with Negative Emotions (and Actually Feel Better)

I believe learning to manage your emotions in a healthy way is important, and I give it a whole chapter in my book about my journey as a highly sensitive person with anxiety. Here are five steps I’ve identified to processing and moving past negative emotions:

1. You’re going to have to feel those feelings.

I don’t know about others, but when I’m feeling anxious or hurt, I want to shove that icky, negative feeling as far away as possible. But here’s the trick: you need to feel those emotions before you can fully release them.

For some people, that may be as simple as sitting quietly somewhere safe (cozy blanket, anyone?) and thinking through them. For me, though, it takes more. Some effective ways to really get unblocked and process an emotion include journaling, talking it out with a trusted friend — someone who treats you with respect — or simply crying. (Yes, crying is nature’s way of truly feeling something and letting it out!)

If you’re in a safe space, you could even scream, punch a pillow, or tear up paper. All of these put the feeling into motion and help you get un-stuck.

2. Use positive physical cues to calm yourself down.

These cues can involve deep breathing, yoga, hot tea or coffee, or the aforementioned cozy blanket. Personally, I prefer hot showers, because they’re not just relaxing but also cleansing. You can even use a little visualization: as you shower, picture yourself scrubbing away the negativity and inviting in more positive vibes.

Think about the physical sensations or rituals that make you feel calm, centered, and more relaxed. If you make it a point to use them whenever you’re overwhelmed by a negative emotion, your body will start to associate the physical cue with the healing process, and you’ll begin to feel better almost immediately.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Avoid negative emotional triggers.

You know what doesn’t help negativity? More negativity. No matter where it comes from, or how well-intentioned it might be.

Think of healing from negative emotions like healing from a scrape. There’s going to be a scab and a sore spot for a while. If you rub that spot, even just a little, the scab is likely to break and you’ll have to start all over (usually with even more pain).

So you need to avoid stressors when you’re dealing with negative feelings.

Personally, I try to avoid the news because it’s always negative. I also try to avoid people who are always looking for something to complain about, or who focus on the negatives. Look at the people in your life and how you feel after you see them. You may need to make some adjustments.

And, if you can’t exactly avoid some people in your life, learn to set healthy boundaries.

4. Feed your basic needs, not just your heart.

I know I tend to feel more negative emotions when I’m too tired, haven’t eaten properly, or feel stressed out. Emotions can seem all-consuming, but they live in your body with you. Taking good care of that body and mind is the first step, and will often have surprising effects on your heart as well.

Try meditation to reduce stress, eat regular healthy meals, drink lots of water, and get enough sleep. These are basic, and chances are, one of them will be more of a keystone for you than the others. Notice which things actually make you feel positive or less worried, and make a routine that works for YOU.

5. Focus on what you can control.

Often, when we’re stuck in a negative emotion, it’s because it feels big and overwhelming — like we either have to take on the world or completely handle it, or like it will roll over us no matter what we do. Usually, the truth is somewhere in between.

So, when you’re completely overwhelmed: remind yourself that you can’t control exactly what happens, and take that burden off yourself. And then ask: what do I control?

This is usually when you stop feeling powerless and start to see a path forward.

Remember: life would be boring if we only felt positive and happy. Negative emotions are there to balance you out, teach you a lesson, and help you feel grateful for the happy times. But that doesn’t mean you need to stay stuck in them.

Do you struggle with anxiety or difficult emotions? Lauren Stewart’s book, My Journey as a Highly Sensitive Person with Anxiety: How I went from an Emotional Mess to Confident Woman and You Can Too, is designed to help. Get your copy here.

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• This Is the Difference Between a Highly Sensitive Brain and a ‘Typical’ Brain
• How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

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The post How to Deal with Negative Emotions as a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

“You know it’s not real, right? It’s just a movie!”

I often hear some variation of this when someone is trying to convince me to watch a horror movie. Yes, on a rational level, I do know that it’s “just a movie” and not real. However, there is part of my brain that, well, doesn’t. 

That’s not to say that I have a poor grasp on reality, or can’t tell fiction from real life. On the contrary, I do recognize that the monsters, gore, violence, and scary stories present in horror movies are only real in the cinematic world. 

Yet for me, the horror doesn’t stay contained within the screen — my mind makes it feel real due to factors like having a heightened threat response and depth of processing. 

You see, as a highly sensitive person (HSP), my brain works differently than that of a non-HSP. I also see this phenomenon happening with my HSP clients in psychotherapy. Indeed, these neurological differences impact our decision-making process, in everything from what movies we decide to watch (or stay far away from!), to how we interact with others, to how we live our lives. 

What Makes HSPs Different? 

Highly sensitive people, who make up nearly 30 percent of the overall population, experience what researchers refer to as sensory processing sensitivity. Due to the heightened sensitivity of our nervous systems, this amplifies seemingly every aspect of our lived experiences, from how loud noises sound to how strong our emotions feel. 

One common way to define the experience of HSPs is through the DOES acronym, coined by sensitivity expert Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person. DOES stands for: Depth of Processing, Overstimulation, Emotional Reactivity/Empathy, and Sensing the Subtle. Indeed, these factors also offer an explanation as to how HSP brains make decisions differently from our less sensitive counterparts. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

How HSP Brains Make Decisions

Now, let’s break down the DOES acronym and explore what it means, as well as its impact on decision-making when it comes to HSPs.   

Depth of Processing

The HSP Brain: The HSP brain is wired to process everything on a deep level. Indeed, research indicates that HSPs experience more activity in brain regions associated with depth of processing, reflective thinking (including self-reflective thinking and reflective thinking in response to emotional stimuli), cognitive control, and awareness. 

Further, HSP brains also show greater reward response, resulting in increased motivation. Researchers hypothesized that this mechanism was a survival strategy in that deep processing of environmental stimuli helped HSPs prepare, and implement, an appropriate decision when the time came.

Impact on Decision-Making: The way our HSP brain processes information deeply means, first and foremost, that we sensitive folks take our time to make decisions. Far from impulsive decision-makers, HSPs need adequate time to truly think through whatever it is we’re pondering, carefully weighing each pro and con. This may also look like integrating various aspects of knowledge when making a decision. 

For instance, we may draw on our past experience and first-hand experience, research professional opinions, and reach out to friends about their insight, all while comparing and contrasting each option. This may also mean that it takes us longer to integrate new information, as well as come to an actual decision. 

While non-HSPs may find such tendencies to be overly cautious, HSPs’ depth of processing contributes to a conscientiousness in decision-making that ultimately helps us feel more secure and grounded in our decision. 

To this end, researchers found that HSPs tend to do best at making decisions through a deliberation method (i.e., thinking through the problem thoroughly) as opposed to an implementation method (i.e., focusing on finding a concrete, practical solution), suggesting that the former is how most HSPs excel when addressing issues. That previously-mentioned reward response likely plays a role here, in that our brains are naturally motivated to think deeply when making a decision. 

Overstimulation

The HSP Brain: The HSP brain tends to have greater activation in the amygdala, which is the area of the brain responsible, in part, for feeling overstimulated. More specifically, the amygdala is associated with the emotions of anxiety, fear, and stress, or those typically involved with the fight-flight-or-freeze response. 

Impact on Decision-Making: Research shows that when the amygdala is activated, we tend to make decisions that are more impulsive. This is due to what’s known as the amygdala hijack: the rational, thinking part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) goes off-line to make way for our amygdala to kick into high-gear. Although this process can be rather frustrating, it originally developed as a survival mechanism in order for us to bypass our thinking process when a quick decision needed to be made. 

HSPs’ tendency to not only become overstimulated easier, but also reach that overstimulation threshold faster, means that we are especially susceptible to our fight-flight-or-freeze response taking over. That’s the reason why we tend to react differently when feeling frazzled than we otherwise would when we’re able to engage in our natural deep processing. 

This is also why we are more likely to make immediate (and sometimes regrettable) decisions when feeling overwhelmed — our brains are trying to get us to escape to safety as soon as possible! Returning to the horror movie example: If I were (accidentally) exposed to a horror movie, I wouldn’t take my time to process the decision. My overstimulation would immediately become too much and I would get out of there!

Obviously, making impulsive decisions due to overstimulation is far from ideal, especially since HSPs value making a well-informed decision. This is why it is vital for HSPs to engage in good self-care, have strong boundaries, and develop a coping skills toolkit to turn to in cases of emergency. These strategies help to combat potential overwhelm, keeping us at our best when making decisions.

Emotional Reactivity

The HSP Brain: The HSP brain is one that is wired to emphasize our emotional experience. More specifically, studies, like the ones I mentioned above, have found that HSPs have greater neural activity in areas involving emotional memory, stress control, emotional processing, and preparing for action in response to emotionally-evocative stimuli. 

Further, HSP brain activity has also been shown to be associated with intricate memory processing. This, along with our depth of processing, can help us remain calm while engaging in emotional systems, researchers suggest. After all, just because we feel emotions strongly doesn’t mean that we can’t successfully navigate such experiences!

Impact on Decision-Making: Having a strong emotional experience means that HSPs are more likely to factor in our feelings when making a decision, as opposed to attempting to ignore, or suppress, our emotions. This may look like making a decision that comforts our emotional experience (like deciding to engage in some extra self-care when feeling sad), addressing the emotion itself within our decision (like addressing our loneliness by reaching out to a friend), using information from the emotion to act accordingly (like setting a boundary upon feeling angry), or even simply feeling our feelings in order to process them before we move forward with our decision. 

Emotional memory also plays a significant role in HSPs’ decision-making process. Essentially, sensitive people are more likely to use our memories of emotionally-significant events, including what happened and what we learned from it, when making decisions. For instance, we may remember how we felt guilty when we did not act in alignment with our values. This helps us to learn that it does not feel good to ignore our values, and to consider our values when making decisions in the future. 

Or, we may remember how confident we felt after receiving praise from our boss on the project we were working on. This helps us to remember how good it feels to succeed, and to decide to put in similar effort in the future. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Empathy

The HSP Brain: Our HSP strength of empathy is reflected in our neurology. Indeed, the HSP brain has greater activity in regions involved with self-other integration, social processing, and, of course, empathy. More specifically, HSPs’ neural activity is associated with detecting, and interpreting, the emotions of others. 

Researchers believe that this is part of the mirror neuron system. As the name suggests, these neurons (or, messengers within our brain) activate when we witness the actions of others. This helps us not only to learn by observing, but also to intuit others’ internal state, a core feature of empathy.

Impact on Decision-Making: Given HSPs’ high levels of empathy, we are much more likely to be considerate of others when making a decision. This could look like involving others in the decision-making process (especially when the decision involves them), deciding to avoid consuming stories that display suffering (like turning off the news for gruesome stories or refusing to watch horror movies), making a decision to show kindness to someone (like holding the door open for a stranger or being supportive to a friend who is having a bad day), or ensuring your decision does not hurt others (like refusing to vote for politicians and policies that infringe on others’ rights).

Sensing the Subtle 

The HSP Brain: As the very name suggests, sensory processing sensitivity entails being better able to sense the subtle. More specifically, there is more neural activity in regions involved with attention, integration of sensory information, as well as with high-order visual processing and detecting minor changes in stimuli. 

Some researchers believe this means that HSPs are more likely to attend to, notice, and integrate subtle changes around them. Thus, this ability may contribute to being more ready to act when faced with a threat.

Impact on Decision-Making: The HSP ability to detect subtle information plays a role in our decision-making process by taking this information into account. For instance, we may decide how to respond to someone given the faint details in their body language. Or, we may decide what road is the safest to travel down (and which ones we should avoid) given the subtleties of our options. Or, we may decide which job feels best to us based on the distinctions between the different environments, such as people’s energies, lighting, and layout details. 

HSP, how do you notice your sensitivity playing a role in your decision-making? Comment down below! (As for me, I’ll decide to continue to stay far away from horror movies!)

You might like:

• The Difference Between the Highly Sensitive Brain and the ‘Typical’ Brain
• HSP Brains Process Everything Deeply, Even at Rest, Study Finds
• Here’s Everything Researchers Know About High Sensitivity, as of 2021

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post A Highly Sensitive Person’s Brain Really Does Make Decisions Differently. Here’s How. appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Even though growing up as a highly sensitive person (HSP) wasn’t simple — being made fun of for crying too easily or being more emotional when compared to my “tough” brother — over the years, I’ve truly embraced my sensitivity. And while it’s Thanksgiving that got me thinking about all the reasons I’m grateful for being a sensitive person, the truth is, I’m grateful year-round. 

Yes, I may be the only person crying at a Super Bowl party when the underdog loses, but I’ll also be the only one who will truly empathize with you when your heart gets broken or when you lose that job you so loved — and you didn’t even have to say a word, I just knew. (It’s an HSP superpower, after all — our instincts are always on point.)

So, without further ado, here are 14 reasons why I’m thankful for being an HSP.

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14 Reasons Why I’m Thankful to Be a Highly Sensitive Person

1. I get to feel things completely — there’s no such thing as being half-in or half-out as an HSP. 

HSPs wear their hearts on their sleeves — there’s no such thing as a “poker face” with us. While some people can “poker face” their way through various life situations, HSPs aren’t that way. If we’re feeling a certain emotion — overwhelming joy for a friend who just got a promotion or extreme sadness for a friend whose pet is ill — you’ll see it in our faces immediately. Even “smaller” emotions will be self-evident on our faces, and via our body language, too. We feel things completely — there is no dimmer switch. And as much as I feel things deeply, I also like how I can sense others’ feelings, too…

2. I can easily read other people’s emotions and body language — it’s an HSP superpower.

Although any HSP will tell you that absorbing others’ emotions is both a blessing and a curse — after all, we’re talking about all their emotions, not just the happy ones (and the not-so-happy ones can take a toll on our mental health and overstimulated senses) — I think it’s more of a blessing. Sometimes, someone may say “Everything’s fine,” yet you know something’s not. So, as a sensitive soul, you delve deeper and ask if everything really is fine. Oftentimes, the person will open up and share what’s on their mind. 

This just happened to me the other week. I called a friend to say hi and knew something was off by the sound of her voice. It turned out she was having outpatient surgery the next day and hadn’t told anyone (until I’d picked up on her semi-sad tone). Once she started talking about it, she said she felt a lot better, and we’ve been checking in with each other more regularly ever since.

Similarly, I pick up on every little thing when it comes to someone’s aura and body language in person, too. In this way, we can tell if they’re lying about something or if they give us cues as to how they’re feeling. Someone can be telling you, verbally, that they’re doing great, but you know by their body language (their slumped shoulders or sad expression) that they’re really not. So then we HSPs enter the picture like superheroes to save the day (or at least try and make them feel better). 

3. Being an HSP comes with a sixth sense (and ‘Spidey senses.’)

You know how you’ll have a sixth sense or bad feeling about something? When you’re a highly sensitive person, that happens a lot. And it’s truly a gift when it does. You’ll feel someone walking behind you and turn around — sure enough, there’s someone walking a bit too close to you (in the dark), so you duck into a store or restaurant as a safe haven. Or you go on a date and just get a bad feeling about the person — and then a friend of yours confirms your suspicions. So having a sixth sense as an HSP — and listening to your intuition — is definitely something to be grateful for every day.

4. The creativityyyyyyyyy

Highly sensitive people are naturally creative, whether it means we take up painting, music, writing, or a myriad of other artistic pursuits. I started writing as a small child, as soon as I was introduced to crayons, and was typing up my first newspaper, Nat’s Neat News Notes, shortly thereafter. This translated well to my current career as a freelance writer and editor. And if you’re a sensitive person yourself — or know someone who is — they’re likely creative in some capacity, too.

5. How I notice — and appreciate — the little things in life.

Sensitive people are known for noticing the little things and nuances in life, whether it’s the beauty of the petals of a rose, all the hues of a sunset, or all the subtleties in a piece of music. While others may see the overall picture — like the rose itself — we see every little detail. For this, I’m grateful. And when I point these little things out to others, they seem to be appreciative for being able to see them in a new way, too.

6. I get recharged by nature itself.

Since we HSPs get overstimulated by many different environments we experience each day — from the overhead fluorescent lights at work to the overbearing lights at the grocery store (coupled with the super loud music) to all the traffic lights and sounds on our commute home — it’s a refuge for an HSP to get out in nature. There, we can just appreciate the quiet and recharge from the endless amount of stimuli we experienced all day. We don’t have to worry about experiencing chemical sensitivity from the freshly painted walls at work (or our coworker’s new perfume) or light sensitivity — we can just be with little stimuli around us.

7. My wonderful, complicated, life-changing empathy.

Sensitive people are empaths. Just like we absorb others’ emotions, we also relate to them on a deep level — we’re not just sympathetic (feeling bad for someone) but empathic (we really feel bad for someone and can relate to how they’re feeling as though we’re experiencing it ourselves — and probably have at some point). 

Sometimes it can be surprising and sweet all at once. I used to have a boyfriend who didn’t have the ability to cry, for example. I, on the other hand, would tear up watching basketball playoffs or the Super Bowl when the underdog would lose (and I wasn’t even a basketball or football fan, but I’d still relate to what they’re going through). In a way, his tears became my tears, but over something we could enjoy together. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

8. That close, close connection HSPs have to animals.

Just like we HSPs can pick up on how fellow humans are feeling, we can also pick up on how animals are feeling. Even though they can’t directly tell us, once again, we primarily use nonverbal clues to assess how our pets are doing. Do they seem calm? Anxious? Could they use more of our time, love, and attention? And our connections to animals almost mirror those that we have with humans — a pet is not just a pet, but a distinct part of us and a part of our family. 

9. That deep HSP focus when working on meaningful tasks and projects.

One thing we HSPs excel at is the way we’re deep thinkers — when we put our minds to something, we give it our complete time, attention, and focus. We’re detail-oriented, we’ll do the research that has to be done, and we’ll do our absolute best. Single-tasking tends to work better for us than multi-tasking — that way, we get into a “flow state” when we work on things and we don’t let any outside distractions get in our way.

10. My innate ‘people-pleaser’ tendencies — even if they’re sometimes my Achilles’ heel.

We highly sensitive people are people-pleasers — we love helping others and hate disappointing them (due to our high levels of empathy) — and this is a great trait to have. However, we must also be careful to not let it get out of hand. After all, even though we have a natural affinity to help others, at the end of the day, we must keep in mind that we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings. Boundaries are something we HSPs struggle with enforcing, but the more we practice it, the more we can still be there for others while also being there for ourselves.

11. Those powerful HSP emotions.

Even though I used to hate how emotional I’d get at seemingly nothing — it would make me feel embarrassed, especially if I was the only person in the room tearing up at something — now, I embrace it. Plus, my true friends could care less — they know I’ll be the most emotional one in the room (even while we’re watching a Disney movie; they’ll hand me more Kleenex instead of making fun of me like my brother and his friends did when I was growing up). I’ve also realized that displaying our emotions is a sign we’re living, breathing beings who have the ability to care for — and empathize — with others, which is a beautiful gift when it comes to being a sensitive person.

12. The deep, intimate friendships with people who understand me.

We HSPs value deep friendships, not just ones based on small talk. While we may attract energy vampires and narcissists due to our empathic, super nice natures, we value friendships that are two-way streets and ones where there’s an equal amount of listening give-and-take. They say “no man is an island,” and I find this to be especially true for us HSPs — when we find the friends who “get” us, we don’t want to let them go. 

13. Getting time alone to recharge (whew!).

Being a highly sensitive person is no small feat — after all the overstimulation we experience all day, we need plenty of time alone to recharge in our HSP sanctuary (whether it’s in our bedrooms or sneaking outside between work meetings). Otherwise, we’ll get an “emotional hangover” (or an HSP one), and feel even more drained. After pockets — or hours — of alone time, we sensitive types feel refreshed and recharged for all the stimuli waiting for us.

14. I am thankful for knowing, and understanding, what it means to be a highly sensitive person through and through.

I think the better we HSPs understand what it’s like to be a highly sensitive person, the more we can embrace it and recognize the trait in others. I think my younger self shunned it simply because I did not understand it (plus, there was no clear label for it then as there is today). But now that I know what it means, there’s comfort in it and I love being a highly sensitive person.

You might like:

• These 2 Traits Can Make HSPs (Almost) Immune to Narcissists
• 10 Things That Just Don’t Make Sense to Highly Sensitive People 
• 13 Signs You’re Secretly a Highly Sensitive Person

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 14 Reasons I’m Thankful for Being a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Enduring something traumatic or stressful is not only noticeable in your brain in the form of thoughts, but research shows that it also translates to pain in your body. You can get a headache or earache, sore muscles, feel nauseated, tense shoulders, pain in your neck, a stomachache, diarrhea, eczema, and the list goes on. And trauma is even more magnified when you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), since everything affects us on a deeper level.

It is thought that if you don’t do anything, the trauma will be stored in your body for the rest of your life. 

A while ago, I watched/heard Therapy in a Nutshell,  a video about a polar bear that shook off the trauma from being chased. Apparently, animals do this to prevent the trauma from staying with them in their body. This self-healing exercise is known by animals, but humans seem to have forgotten this skill. 

I Don’t Have Any Trauma… Do I?

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), “trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event.” You might think: I have never experienced real trauma, so this doesn’t apply to me. But you might be wrong. You may think about experiencing an attack, a flood, or losing a loved one when you think about trauma. However, for our brains, other, less-drastic stressful situations can be perceived as trauma, too. 

So having an argument/being yelled at, almost having an accident, or losing an opportunity can cause the same effect. When not taken care of, it can result in trapped trauma in your body. And that is where the trouble lies — when we don’t deal with it. The tension is still trapped in our body. So we get pains, a rash, strange muscle spasms, you name it. 

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Being Told to ‘Just Deal With It’

In my upbringing (in the 1980s and ‘90s in Western Europe), there was no place for education about how to manage big emotions. My parents didn’t see my sensitive nature, so didn’t act accordingly. And I have these phrases so many times growing up: “Keep your chin up”; “stop crying”; “stop overreacting”; “you must toughen up”; “don’t be so sensitive”; “just suck it up”; “let it go”; “don’t worry about it”; and countless others… 

I believe that in many cultures and families, kids don’t learn how to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. So what happens? We are thought it is “weak” or “wrong” to show we are sad or angry, so we stuff the feeling away — which some call “emotional buffering” — and it festers in our bodies for years. These core wounds, like not feeling wanted or like enough — are really worth investigating and deserve a healing and loving approach. 

And, even as adults, we give each other the “don’t sweat it” and “toughen up” messages. Say you have a near-accident on your way to work. When you tell your coworker, they say, “Oh, well, good thing nothing happened,” and then move on with their day. But you are left with a feeling of unease; you were shocked by the near-accident. 

Another example may be you missing out on a promotion (or raise) at work that you’d had your heart set on. You’re actually a bit crushed, sad, and disappointed. You start to feel insecure and wonder if you should have done more or worked harder. You talk to a friend about it and their response is, “Oh, well, nowadays you should be happy to have a job at all; don’t worry about it.” But you do worry about it — that’s the thing — and you actually feel grief since you feel you lost something. 

Instead of embracing your HSP feelings and emotions, we tend to put them aside; after all, we don’t want to seem childish, selfish, insecure, or weak. We want people to view us as “strong” and “tough” people, and we have been taught that showing emotions is not a part of that. 

But I am here to say: Emotions are not a bad thing or things that need to be hidden away like a secret. Instead, we should just listen to them and learn from their message. 

And know that it is perfectly okay to feel this way; it is not a situation that needs “fixing.” Most people either downsize your emotional response or will repeatedly tell you, “It will be alright.” But sometimes the best thing we can tell each other is, “Oh, yes, I can understand — that just really sucks! You are right to be angry/sad/lost/anxious/worried/tired, etc.” (And maybe throw in a big hug, too.)

So What Do We Do Now?

Should we shake the feeling off like the polar bear? Well, yes, actually we should. The trick here is to go from your brain to your body. You have to reverse the interaction between your body and your brain. Your brain foresees a threat, and your body gets into the well-known flight-fight-freeze response. 

Because there is a physical reaction to what is going on in your brain, you can reverse it by calming your body down. A calm body sends a message to the brain that all is well and you don’t need to fight off a threat or run from an enemy. Here are some ways you can relax.

8 Ways to Calm Your Body Down

1. Give yourself a vagus nerve massage.

The fight-flight-freeze reaction sprouts from your so-called lizard brain. This is the part of your brain that is really old and does not respond to language, but listens to sensations in the body. Your vagus nerve is a parasympathetic nerve responsible for the resting, digesting, feeling-joy-and-connection-to-other-people part of your brain. So in this nerve lies the solution to relaxing muscles that are cramped up due to stress and/or trauma. Watch this video on how to do this. Basically, it involves applying pressure to parts of your head and neck. Even looking over your shoulder and stretching the opposite side of your neck can work wonders (at least for me).

2. Pat various parts of your body.

This can be as simple as touching your face or patting your arm or leg. Just the sensation your body feels will reconnect you to your body and help reduce any tension. 

3. Do intentional movement, like dancing, yoga, or push-ups.

Moving intentionally creates a sensation of feeling safe and can release trapped trauma. 

When I have emotions bottled up inside, or when I am overstimulated and do an intense exercise such as push-ups, I will start to cry. The intensity of the muscle work will release the plug. For me, crying is my pressure valve. I will feel tired and have a headache afterwards, but I feel like a weight has lifted and I can breathe properly again. 

So interact in big movements with your body to release the energy inside you. You can put on some music, close the curtains, and just dance, do yoga, or exercise. Whatever works best for you!

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Sit in stillness.

We HSPs absolutely love and cherish stillness. This desire can be hard to fulfill in a world where there is always something going on or making noise. Humans really should appreciate the benefits of stillness and quiet more; it can do so much.   

Being still, like through mindfulness or meditation, taps into the brain’s default mode; in this setting, the brain briefly enters an idle state. You will start daydreaming or your mind will start to wander, signs of self-generated cognition. You can sit still and stare into the abyss, stare at the sunset, the ceiling… just let your mind wander. Close your eyes if you want to. Closing your eyes is also a great way of giving your brain a break from all the stimuli it receives. 

5. Do breathing exercises, like the Wim Hof Method.

Your breathing is a great tool to send your brain the “I am safe and okay” message. Try the 4-7-8 technique, the Wim Hof method, or the Buteyko technique. Or make up your own method — as long as it relaxes you!

6. Laugh… often!

Don’t you feel incredible after laughing out loud? My husband and I are renovating the kitchen and he asked me to blow through a tube in order to remove dust. It made such an unexpectedly hilarious sound that we fell into a laughing fit, tears streaming down our faces, and it felt so good! 

Look up funny videos or do crazy things with your kids or partner and just laugh your socks off. I can really recommend this video; it absolutely cracked me up.  

7. Cry

Opposite of #6, but also very effective. As I mentioned, crying can be a great emotion-releasing exercise. Watch a sad movie or listen to sad music. Some piano music loosens my tears almost every time. If I cry easily while watching a movie (and trust me, I cry in an instant: a lost cat or two lovers losing sight of each other and I am in need of tissues), I know I have a lot of emotions built up inside me. 

8. Do shadow work.

A way to release repressed emotions is also through so-called shadow work. This allows your body to let go of the trapped traumas and will improve your well-being, too. I myself use the Loner Wolf Shadow Work Journal, and love it. Shadow work helps you get in touch with your hidden/dark sides that you keep hidden and feel ashamed about. 

I hope I have given you some ideas about how you can deal with build-up emotions and unresolved trauma. Please keep in mind that it can take some time to feel relief, and know that emotions are not things that need “fixing.” Awareness, respect, and space are the tools to process emotions and give them a place in your heart and soul. It is not about erasing, but about embracing. 

Note: I’m dedicating this article to a dear friend of mine. We often talk about being highly sensitive, and a topic that comes up frequently is feeling an emotion as physical pain in your body — and what you can do about it. 

Meanwhile, I’d love to hear from you in the comments on what your experiences are with feeling trauma and emotions in your body — and how you deal with it. 

You might like:

• HSPs, Your Body Affects You More Than You Think. Here’s How to Make it Your Friend.
• 9 Life-Changing Skills HSPs Can Learn from Meditation
• Trauma Hits Differently When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person. Here’s Why (and What to Do About It)

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Having Unexplained Pains? It Might Be From Neglected Emotions appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Are you dating a highly sensitive person (HSP)? Or do you identify as an HSP? Dating can be awkward, uncomfortable and downright worrisome, no matter who you are. If you’re a highly sensitive person, it’s tricky enough to navigate an overstimulating world, but adding another person to the mix is a whole new level. 

If this feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. It’s complicated, but it can be easily done and also be extremely rewarding. There’s a lot you can try in order to make dating as comfortable and fun as possible. The more prepared you are, the better. Here are some things to keep in mind when dating a highly sensitive person.

10 Things to Keep in Mind When Dating an HSP 

1. They will notice if you’re not being genuine.

HSPs have great intuition and can get a read on your vibe through tiny details, such as your body language and facial expressions. They just know. Something between the two of you will probably feel off if you try to get away with a lie or hide something from them. So being authentic, and honest, is always the best policy.

2. Communication is key — they value deep connections and conversations.

Does your HSP partner have any specific triggers you’re aware of? Do you have some, too? Letting each other know about them helps increase understanding. The more you know and communicate, the more you can be there for one another in any situation. 

This can also help you avoid unnecessary stress. For example, a moderately crowded café is probably relaxing for a lot of people, but some HSPs may be overstimulated by all the voices and noise in the room. After all, they’re sensitive to their environments, so plan accordingly. 

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

3. Know that external stimuli greatly affects them.

HSPs will hone in on even the slightest sounds, smells, movements, and tastes that others don’t notice. This can be really overwhelming at times, especially when trying to focus on another person. But if things get overstimulating, a little support — and a lot of patience — can work wonders. If you’re not sure about a certain place and how it will impact the HSP you’re dating, just ask!

4. Remember that they feel emotions intensely, their own as well as yours.

One major highlight of being an HSP is the feature of being highly perceptive of emotion. An HSP might be moved to tears by a sad song, a TV commercial, or something sweet you say to them. So keep this in mind when picking your next date — or date night movie. 

However, this doesn’t mean you have to avoid any potentially emotional situations. Just as with any sensitivity, it can be just as beautiful as it is frustrating. Handling these feelings in productive ways can help bring the two of you closer together. 

5. It’s usually best to plan dates ahead. 

If you took your date ice skating as a surprise, you’d probably let them know to bring a jacket, right? You can think about sensitivities the same way. A little communication and preparation will help the date run a lot smoother. 

For example, if you’re going someplace loud, bring headphones along. If there will be a long car ride involved, maybe a fidget spinner or object can help, as well as listening to their favorite podcast. Resources such as social media and good old Google can help you think of the evening of your dreams, too. And, then, plan accordingly!

6. Give them time to adjust to the location or event.

For highly sensitive people, nearly any (and every) change can feel disruptive and scary. Even the change of seasons affect some HSPs more so than non-HSPs. So you can imagine how jarring sudden changes can be. If your partner doesn’t seem relaxed in a new place, or even in a new relationship, they are likely still feeling things out. Just give them time… 

7. You will probably learn a lot of new things (if you listen closely).

Does your HSP partner tend to notice new and interesting things throughout the day? Do they remember things that others don’t because they are so detail-oriented? 

Highly sensitive people take in a lot of information on a nearly-constant basis. It can definitely be overwhelming (to them), but it can also be pretty useful. Talking to an HSP will likely keep you engaged. Plus, they value deep talk much more than small talk, so you can finally have those meaningful conversations you’ve been craving. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

8. Don’t ignore their discomfort; instead, imagine yourself in their shoes. 

If your HSP seems uncomfortable, or says they do, pay attention. Think about how you would want someone you’re with to react if you told them something was bothering you? It can be hard to know what to say or do when something comes up, especially when it’s sudden, but it’s more about how you say it than the actual words you utter. 

Ignoring their feelings certainly won’t help the situation, even if you’re just trying to distract them with a joke. Odds are, not many people will be able to take their attention away from their surroundings. So a simple suggestion like, “Should we step outside for a minute?” or a straightforward question like, “What would you like to do?” should help a lot.

9. Choose surprises carefully.

On a scale from one to 10, how difficult is it to plan a surprise date night for an HSP? Chances are, you won’t be able to keep it a surprise for long since highly sensitive people are so perceptive. They will probably intuitively feel that you are hiding something, which might prompt them to ask. 

On the other hand, surprising an HSP with a hug from behind can be so startling that it takes more than a few seconds for them to recover from it. Even the dreaded, “I have to tell you something” sets an HSP’s heart pounding. So it helps if the suspense element is kept to a minimum when dating an HSP. 

10. Stop using phrases like “too sensitive” and “too much.”

You want to date someone who makes you feel good, right? For an HSP, this might translate into looking for someone who accepts their sensitivities — without judgment. It’s already emotionally draining to deal with constant overstimulation, so it can be truly disheartening to feel like someone is simply tolerating you rather than choosing to be with you. (Plus, HSPs tend to have relationship anxiety as it is, and you don’t want to add to it!)

Simple sentences like “You’re being too sensitive” or “It’s too much” carry more weight than you may think. So it’s important to choose your words carefully and listen to your HSP partner — through their verbal and non-verbal cues — with an open, loving mind. After all, you want to make them happy, right?

Are you dating an HSP or are you an HSP yourself? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

You might like:

• 12 Reasons You Should Date a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Are More Prone to Relationship Anxiety
• 7 Little Things That Make Highly Sensitive People Happy

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 10 Secrets About Dating an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Inside the modern cafe with minimalist furniture, I order my coffee and sit down to write.

Not long into the writing sesh, quite incongruously to the surroundings, SoulJa Boy begins blasting from the speakers (I’m not exaggerating —  Crank That pulses through the cafe at near-nightclub status). Hipsters shift in their seats, some darting their eyes around the room, others pulling their summer beanies over their ears to block out the noise.   

Even with my headphones on, the background noise pierces through the bridge I’m trying to build between the paper and my purest thoughts.  Senses overwhelmed — particularly since I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP) who’s more aware of their environment — I elect a more cognitively simple task to engage in until the moment passes.

Four songs in though, it still hasn’t — so I relocate to the back patio.

Back here, in lieu of Soulja Boy, I hear sparrows chirping and the soft clack of my fingers against the keyboard. The air is fresh, and a calming breeze tussles my hair. Much more my jam.   

Senses no longer hijacked, I begin entering a  “flow state,” which is something we HSPs excel at. Suffice it to say, for highly sensitive people, our environments can make or break us.

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What Is Environmental Psychology?

As a highly sensitive person who is definitely influenced by their environment, I began paying attention to the way environmental factors affect mood and productivity. I was inspired after taking an environmental psychology class while a student at  UC Davis. It was through this class that I also began to think about how modifying our environment can, in turn, improve our mental health. In fact, a  study conducted in 2010 found that “wives who consider their home cluttered had higher cortisol levels during the daytime.”

While an awareness of the field can be important for everyone’s well-being, this is especially true for HSPs, who are more sensitive to environmental stimuli. As John Montgomery, Ph.D., wrote in an article for  Psychology Today, “When we live in environments that are drastically different from the environments that we’re biologically adapted for, we become subject to various ‘evolutionary mismatch’ effects that can be extremely detrimental to our physical and emotional  health. Perhaps the most important consequence of this mismatch is that we become highly prone to being triggered repeatedly and unnecessarily into various states of ‘survival mode’ by our surroundings and circumstances.”

Factors from lighting to noise level to the comfort of furniture  can have a profound impact on well-being — especially for HSPs. 

4 Environmental Psychology Factors That Can Influence Highly Sensitive People

1. Noise level — too much can easily overstimulate HSPs

Julie Bjelland has done research on, and worked with, HSPs — and has found that we have more sensitivity to noise. To that end, one night inside a crowded bar, I found myself inadvertently pushed and shoved by taller bar-goers while I waited in line to get a drink. After finally getting one and returning to my table, I kept having to shout and repeat myself with my companion. The noise in the room had the effect of reducing our conversation to caveman language, and I found myself feeling frustrated.

So, my fellow HSPs, pay attention to your noise threshold. How much is the “right” amount? At what level do you begin to feel anxious? I’ve personally found that   too much noise can be overwhelming while just the right amount can enliven and pump energy into the interaction.

2. Lighting — many HSPs suffer from light sensitivity

In addition to writing, I work as a Spanish medical interpreter in various hospitals and clinics around the Bay Area. I find that when interpreting inside fluorescently lit rooms that have no windows, discomfort arises after more than 20 minutes, as I begin to feel like I’m inside a buzzing electrical box. I start to feel disconnected from the natural world, or like the patient and I are lab specimens inside a science experiment. Rooms with a window and natural lighting have me feeling much more at ease.  

Research, too, has found this to be true, highlighting that humans  have a strong need for safety and security, and that we look for those attributes in our environment — seeking physical comfort (i.e., an environment with the right temperature), and one that is psychologically comfortable, with a balance of familiarity and novelty.

Because many sensitive people suffer from light sensitivity, it’s good to assess what lighting you best function under and adjust your environment accordingly.

3. Proximity to the wall and window access 

Past experiences can predispose certain individuals to particular environmental triggers. For instance, many war veterans find that facing a wall while seated can spark claustrophobia, triggering visceral reminders of times during which they quite literally could not escape their physical surroundings. Conversely, facing a door or window while seated allows them to feel like they have a quick escape, should they need it.

I experienced something similar to this once at a cafe in San Jose. After having trouble relaxing back into the couch, I realized this was because its back was to the balcony.

It seems like there would be some evolutionary basis to this seemingly idiosyncratic preference. For instance, having a view of their entire surroundings protected our ancestors against potential predators, whereas when their backs were to everything, they were literally in a more vulnerable position.

Weird, Eleni. Do you really think a predator’s going to come attack you while you’re sitting there reading your Joan Didion book and drinking your cup of coffee?  I ask myself. Rationally, no. But the body sometimes follows a different logic than the mind does.

4. Ceiling height 

Look up. How high above your head is the ceiling? How are you feeling right now? What are you trying to accomplish?

I’ve found low ceilings promote the feeling of being enclosed, protected, and safe. With fewer distractions, I’m better equipped to concentrate.  A possible explanation for this is the cathedral effect, which is the relationship between perceived height of a ceiling and cognition. In other words, the perception of high ceilings enables creativity and free-thinking while low ceilings enable attention-to-detail and rational thinking. Research, too, has found this to be the case. Two associate professors believe the cognitive effects of ceiling space can be used to students’ advantages when they study. It will benefit them to go to a spacious area with high ceilings if they’re studying for something creative whereas it’s best to go to a smaller, more confined area if they have to complete a test.

 Higher ceilings, on the other hand, I’ve found work better for  creative tasks or unbridled “expansive thinking.” When I want to generate new ideas or get out of a creative rut, I head to cafes that have them. When I want to crack down, focus, and finish something, I settle into coffee shops that feel more like burrows.

It’s not always easy to gauge whether the cause for our discomfort is internal or external. When we’re off-balance for whatever reason, environmental factors that, under ordinary circumstances, may have been negligible suddenly become all too apparent and disruptive. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) To Help Feel More Comfortable in Various Environments

When we cannot escape our environment(s), a simple practice can help:  cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps people learn to identify (and challenge) maladaptive thought patterns. I was first introduced to CBT in therapy as a teenager, but didn’t begin applying it to my relationship with my tangible environment until years later, after I had an understanding of environmental psychology. 

When I’m having trouble sleeping, for instance, all of a sudden my bed may feel physically uncomfortable (even though it caused me no discomfort the night before). In this case, or if for whatever reason I can’t modify my environment, I’ll practice CBT.

Feelings aren’t always these vague, nebulous sensations that randomly take residence inside us. Many times, they’re the direct product of thoughts. Identifying those thoughts and working through them can, in turn, shift our feelings. 

An example:

I’m anxious right now. Why? Because I’m facing the wall.

What is it about facing the wall that  triggers your anxiety? I’m aware of the presence of people behind me and I can’t see what they’re doing, and that makes me feel vulnerable.

And then you can keep going with it. By doing so, you will shine light on the perceived threats and can disarm some of their power. Perhaps your mind will begin to see that the threat was exaggerated, or if not, at least begin to see them as less threatening.

If CBT Is Not Possible, Practice a Grounding Exercise

It may be inopportune or impossible to do such thorough self-analysis when directly in the moment, in which case a simple grounding exercise might suffice. In other words, direct your attention to your tangible environment.  Doing this is key for highly sensitive people since it’s so easy for us to feel overstimulated.

Naming objects and their physical characteristics inside the room (for example,  What color are the walls? Lime-green) can bring you out of your head. Now busy thinking of them, the mind replaces inward-based rumination with outward observation of concrete details.

If we compare the mind to a beehive, grounding exercises are like the flute that lulls the bees to sleep. More generally, take note of what you like about a place, and make a point of returning to environments with similar qualities. This will also help  prevent your highly sensitive soul from getting too overstimulated.

Pay attention both to your surroundings and to how you’re feeling. In what way are the chairs positioned? How close are you to a window? For instance, in one  study, when participants were closer to the window in a VR setting,  decreases in physiological stress levels were found. 

See if you can link some of these environmental factors with any anxiety, claustrophobia, or sudden lethargy you may be experiencing. When you’re calm and present, notice that, too. 

Journaling is also a helpful way for HSPs to process things, so it can help to write your environmental observations down. Here’s an example from when I did that in response to a positive experience at a cafe:

“The balance is optimal — sequenced enough that I don’t feel chaotic, overstimulated, or like things are out of control — but also with enough life to inspire me and keep the thoughts flowing. The visual variety imbues the coffee shop with its intrigue and personality. People may be less likely to think, ‘The world is boring and limiting and you always know what to expect’ when inside here. Oftentimes, loud conversation, jarring fluorescent lighting, and a high ‘person to empty space ratio’ severs the cord connecting me with my thoughts — but that wasn’t the case here.”

As an HSP, Always Stay Mindful of Your Environment

Many of us HSPs have preferences and subtle triggers, even if we’re not aware of what they are specifically. We can become more conscious in selecting a “perfect” environment once we’ve identified them.

The goal is not to hyper-focus on  every small detail and become stubborn or rigid about the environments we choose to place ourselves in. Rather, it’s to be mindful so that when we do have the option to either choose or modify our environment, we’ll be equipped to make the changes that best serve us.

Personally, I’d love to see an app called “Got Your Back, HSP” that could track how many people are currently inside a given place. It could also alert you to the current decibel rate, availability of comfy chairs, and the proximity of those comfy chairs to loud groups. Maybe someday… In the meantime, I’ll keep taking my advice above and hope you do, too.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Why Your Physical Environment Is So Important If You’re an HSP
• How Practicing a ‘Flow State’ Is Revolutionary for HSPs
• Here’s Everything Researchers Know About High Sensitivity, as of 2021

The post Why a Little Bit of Environmental Psychology Can Be Life-Changing for HSPs appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Do you know a highly sensitive person (HSP)? And do you often feel that if you only knew how to help your HSP friend or loved one, you could have a much stronger relationship with them?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, this article is for you.

HSPs are more sensitive than most people and struggle with things that are seemingly trivial to others. Knowing what makes their life difficult is the first step — and learning how to respond in a situation is even better.

In this post, you’ll learn seven things that make life difficult for an HSP and ways in which you can help in each situation.

Here we go.

7 Things That Make Life Difficult for an HSP — And What You Can Do to Help

1. Conflict

Highly sensitive people are very uncomfortable in conflict situations and try to avoid them at all costs. We’re also not fans of criticism.

So, even if we are upset about something, instead of facing the person who upset us or voicing our opinion, we tend to shove things under the carpet and avoid confrontation.   

How you can help: Don’t force HSPs into uncomfortable situations, even if you mean well. Also, try to broach an uncomfortable subject in a friendly way, instead of starting with an argument or criticism. You must remember that the “S” in “HSP” is for “sensitive,” so be mindful of your HSP’s feelings.

For example, let’s say you have a fight with your HSP partner and they walk out instead of continuing to argue. Instead of following them, give them the space they need to clear their head. Then, talk about the problem later on, when you’re both more calm and can have a more productive discussion.

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2. Saying “no”

HSPs are really bad at saying “no,” which often costs them emotionally and in other ways. Boundary-setting can be tough for them.

One reason for this is that they’re naturally empathic, so they want to make sure you’re happy and don’t want to disappoint you.

They also don’t want to upset anyone — they’re natural people-pleasers — so they say yes even when they don’t really want to. 

Finally, they may feel social pressure to say yes to things like going out or attending a party, which may not be how they want to spend their weekend. Due to all the overstimulation they experience, sometimes they need alone time to recharge vs. being on the go too much.

How you can help: When inviting an HSP to something or asking them for anything, always provide them with the option to decline upfront. Phrase your invitation as a question, not a statement. 

For example, instead of saying, “Let’s meet tomorrow evening”, say “Are you up for meeting for dinner tomorrow night?” And if they say no, respect their decision; don’t pressure them into saying yes.

3. Seemingly simple misunderstandings

While no one likes to be misunderstood, being so affects HSPs more than anyone else. The simple reason is that HSPs like to please people and avoid conflict, so if anyone misunderstands them, they feel a need to explain themselves.

Given that HSPs feel things more strongly than less-sensitive people, they tend to react to situations differently — and that causes situations where people might misunderstand them.

How you can help: Avoid assuming things when it comes to highly sensitive people. Instead, ask for clarification and give them the chance to explain their point of view, even if it might be contradictory to yours.

4. Overthinking

Most HSPs are overthinkers. They not only feel things more deeply, but also think about the consequences of their actions and how they will affect others.

This empathy, while a good trait, can lead to overthinking even the most trivial decisions, because they tend to think about things from 101 different angles.

Another extension of this habit is overanalyzing every conversation, as well as people’s tones, body language, and more. Sometimes HSPs will play conversations over and over again in their heads, thinking how they “should have” responded.

How you can help: While you can’t do much if someone has a habit of overthinking, what you can do is try to communicate better. Be clear in your communication, leaving no doubt for misinterpretation. Don’t say what you don’t mean. This will help sensitive folks overthink less and not feel as exhausted from doing so.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5. Emotional triggers

As we all know, highly sensitive people are emotional and can get triggered easily, and in different ways. From ugly-crying watching a movie to having an emotional outburst in public, HSPs can get triggered and have an emotional response anytime, anywhere. It is easy for them to feel emotionally “flooded.” And something seemingly trivial, like making a rude comment or crude joke, may illicit an emotional reaction, which less-sensitive people may consider to be “dramatic.” However, remember: Everyone is valid to have their feelings.

How you can help: If you’re in a close relationship with an HSP, you can try to identify their triggers and avoid situations where they may get triggered. 

In general, you can just be more understanding of their emotions. Instead of calling them “dramatic” or “too emotional,” try being comforting and ask them how they’re feeling and what you can do.

6. Indecisiveness

As mentioned earlier, sensitive people tend to overanalyze things, scrutinizing every little thing in great detail. This often causes decision paralysis, as they get stuck in their heads overanalyzing, failing to make quick decisions.

For example, we HSPs can spend an hour deciding what to watch on Netflix and then give up, frustrated with all the options. Or we might change our minds about what food to order around 10 times before deciding to simply cook something at home.

Point being, decisions are hard for us, and not being able to make them causes a lot of frustration.

How you can help: Help HSPs make a decision by limiting the number of choices you give them. Or, better yet, make the small decisions yourself instead of putting it on them.

For instance, if you and your partner plan to go out, you either make the decision of where to go or give them 2-3 options to choose from.

7. Changes

Most HSPs don’t deal well with change, even small ones. They find comfort and safety in routine and are often known to have very fixed daily routines.

Moving to a new house, applying for a new job, or even planning a vacation can be stressful for HSPs. Anything out of their comfort zone can cause stress for a sensitive person.

How you can help: Take them through the change and how it will affect them. Reassure them that it’s not going to have a big effect on their daily life. And if it is a big change, reassure them that you’ll be there to help them navigate the change, every step of the way. You can also go over the steps with them and take things one step at a time…

Ready to Form a Deeper Connection With Your HSP?

Hopefully, you can relate to most, if not all, of these things if you are in any kind of relationship with an HSP.

Understanding things that make life difficult for them can help you make things a little easier for them, and they’ll appreciate it, trust me!

You might like:

• Why Change Can Be So Hard for HSPs (And What to Do About It)
• This Is How It Feels to Be Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• Why Highly Sensitive People Tend to Be People-Pleasers — and How to Stop

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 7 Things That Make Life Difficult for an HSP — And How You Can Help appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you have a unique set of traits that allow you to process and feel things deeply. These traits can be both a strength and a weakness. As a strength, being sensitive makes you highly empathic, creative, and can make you appreciate all the little things — those that others often miss. Yet being an HSP can also make you more susceptible to feeling overwhelmed and drained by the energy of others. 

That’s where setting boundaries comes in — it’s an important part of self-care for HSPs, as it helps protect your energy and maintain healthy relationships. It’s not always easy to set boundaries, especially when you care deeply about, and have empathy for, the people around you. But it’s crucial to learn how to create and maintain healthy boundaries to avoid burnout, maintain healthy relationships, and live a more fulfilling life. 

Boundary-setting is an art and takes practice, patience, and persistence. By understanding and implementing the concepts of doing so, HSPs can learn to live a more balanced, self-aware, and fulfilled life. 

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in order to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They are behaviors that are — and are not — acceptable to us. It helps to think of them as invisible lines that separate us from others and help us feel safe, respected, and in control. 

As for types of boundaries, they can be physical (such as personal space), emotional (such as not allowing others to make us feel guilty or responsible for their emotions), and mental (such as not allowing others to manipulate or control us).

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Why Are Boundaries Important for Highly Sensitive People?

Because highly sensitive people are so empathetic and caring, this can make it challenging for you to set boundaries. You may be a people-pleaser and feel guilty saying “no” to people. Or you may feel responsible for others’ feelings. 

However, it is important to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish — it is a necessary part of self-care. Without having any in place, you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed, drained, and taken advantage of. By setting boundaries, you are able to protect your energy and maintain healthy relationships.

4 Tips for Setting Boundaries as a Highly Sensitive Person

1. Know your limits, like what makes you feel overwhelmed.

The first step in setting boundaries is knowing your limits. This includes understanding what drains your energy, what makes you feel overwhelmed, and what is — and is not — acceptable to you. Take some time to reflect on what you need in order to feel safe, respected, and in control. Writing them down and journaling can help, too.

2. Communicate your boundaries to others — practice does make perfect!

Once you know your limits, it is important to communicate your boundaries to others. This can be intimidating, especially if you are not used to setting boundaries. However, it is important to be clear and direct in your communication. You can use “I” statements, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I have too many commitments.” This way, you are genuinely expressing how you feel and what you need. And the more you practice doing this, the easier it will get!

3. Stand up for yourself and practice being assertive.

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct and respectful way. It’s a form of standing up for yourself.

It’s important to practice assertiveness when setting boundaries, as it allows you to be clear and direct without being aggressive or passive. So if you really want to stay home on Friday night and have some quality alone time, but your friends are pressuring you to go out, be assertive! Say no without guilt!

4. Respect others’ boundaries, too, whether they’re physical, emotional, or mental.

In addition to setting your own boundaries, it is important to respect the boundaries of others. This includes not crossing their physical, emotional, or mental boundaries. This also means being understanding if they need to set boundaries with you. (Just think about how much you appreciate it when others respect and honor your boundaries, so do the same here.)

Now, let’s look at some examples of boundary-setting.

Examples of Boundary-Setting in Action

Physical boundaries

Setting physical boundaries is important for highly sensitive people (HSPs). It involves creating limits on how much time you spend with others, and setting physical limits on personal space and touch. 

For example, if you don’t feel comfortable with someone wanting to shake your hand or hug you, you might say “I don’t feel comfortable with physical touch, so please don’t hug me.” This sets a clear boundary around your comfort level and helps protect your personal space. Or perhaps someone is standing too close to you when speaking. You can say something, or just move back a bit and they’ll likely get the message through your body language.

Another example of physical boundaries is setting limits on how much time you spend with others, by saying “I can only meet for an hour” when someone invites you to hang out.

It’s also important to have a physical space that you can retreat to when you need time alone or to recharge, like an HSP sanctuary — a calm, soothing place with your favorite pillows, blanket, soft lighting, and so on.

It’s important to communicate these boundaries clearly and respectfully, and remember to be compassionate with yourself as you learn to set and maintain them.

Emotional boundaries

Setting emotional boundaries might involve not allowing others to make you feel responsible for their emotions or not allowing yourself to be overwhelmed by the emotions of others (which happens to sensitive people easily!).

For example, you might say, “I understand that you are upset, but it is not my responsibility to fix your problems.” Or, “I am here to support you, but it’s ultimately your responsibility to manage your emotions.”

Again, this may not be easy at first, and put the above into words that feel natural to you. But the more you protect yourself, emotionally, the better you’ll feel. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Mental boundaries

Mental boundaries are another important aspect of self-care for highly sensitive people. Setting mental boundaries involves being aware of, and protecting, your own thoughts and beliefs. It is about being in control of your own thoughts, emotions, and beliefs and not letting others dictate how you should think or feel. 

One way to set mental boundaries is by being assertive and direct in your communication. For example, you can say something like, “I appreciate your opinion, but I continue to hold onto my own beliefs about this and will not be coerced into thinking otherwise.” Another example could be saying something like, “I’m going to take a break from this conversation and process my thoughts before responding” when someone is trying to rush or pressure you into a decision. 

Remember, you have the right to your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs — and you should respect and defend them. After all, setting mental boundaries is not about shutting out others completely; it’s about being able to process, analyze and think for yourself without feeling pressured or manipulated by others.

It’s also good to practice self-care and self-compassion when it comes to mental boundaries, as it’s important to give yourself time and space to process your big thoughts and emotions. 

Time boundaries 

Setting time boundaries involves creating boundaries around the amount of time you spend with others, as well as the amount of time you have for yourself. Time boundaries are necessary for HSPs to recharge and rejuvenate, as they can easily get overwhelmed by social interactions and activities. 

For example, you might tell someone, “I need time for myself and will not be available for social activities every night of the week” (or on certain days/nights of the week). This allows you to create a balance between your social life and time for self-care and self-reflection.

Another example of time boundaries is setting limits on how much time you will spend on certain activities, or saying “I can only stay until 9 p.m.” when someone invites you to an event. You may have to get home to take a bath or read a book — but they don’t have to know that!

Just communicate your time boundaries clearly and respectfully, and no one should have an  issue with them!

Boundaries in romantic relationships

Boundaries in romantic relationships are especially necessary for highly sensitive people (HSPs), as these relationships can often involve a high level of emotional intensity. HSPs tend to be more in tune with their own emotions, as well as with the emotions of others. This can make them more vulnerable to feeling overwhelmed and get drained more easily in romantic relationships. 

So it’s important to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly to your partner, and to respect their boundaries as well. For example, you might say. “I need space to recharge after a long day and will need some time alone before we can have a conversation about our x or y.” This allows you to set a boundary around your need for self-care and time alone, while also expressing a willingness to engage in conversation and intimacy with your partner.

It’s also important to be mindful of emotional boundaries in the relationship, and to be able to set limits on how much emotional intensity you can handle — and communicate that to your partner.

Another example of boundaries in romantic relationships is setting limits on how much time you will spend together, or discussing your expectations and needs around communication, trust, and respect. Remember, setting boundaries is a two-way street and should be a back-and-forth dialogue between partners.

The More You Feel in Control of Your Life, the Better You’ll Feel

Setting, and implementing, boundaries can be a mental health game-changer for highly sensitive people, as the more you feel in control of your life, the better you’ll feel. You’ll also be able to better protect your energy and maintain healthy relationships. It’s important to be aware of your limits, communicate boundaries clearly and assertively, and respect the boundaries of others.

Also, setting boundaries is not a sign of selfishness or not wanting to help out others. But you must take care of yourself, and your needs, before taking care of other people’s. It’s all about creating a healthy balance between the two. 

You might like:

• How to Actually Set Better Boundaries — the HSP Way
• Why Highly Sensitive People Tend to Be People-Pleasers — and How to Stop
• 10 Mental Health Game-Changers for Highly Sensitive People

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post The Art of Setting Boundaries for Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Growing up, I loved fairy tales. There was just something special about hearing “and they lived happily ever after” that always put a huge smile on my face. When I got married, there was a little girl in me still wishing for that “happily ever after.” I mean, being happily married is the ultimate goal in marriage… right?

During my 15-year marriage, my goal has shifted from solely happiness in marriage to actual healthiness in marriage. Such a large emphasis is placed on the various social benefits of marriage — comradery, companionship, and coupling, for example — that sometimes the health benefits of marriage are overlooked. In fact, according to WebMD, marriage is not only good for your emotional health, but for your physical health, as well. Although I wish I could just wriggle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and magically source my marriage into health and happiness, that is just not possible.

Fifteen years of mountaintops, valleys, and plateaus have all taught me that maintaining a balanced homeostasis within marriage is a goal my husband and I must continuously work toward. There have been times where our marriage has felt much more like a battlefield than an oasis, and it is in these times that my highly sensitive mind and heart have earned their “battle-tested” accolades. It’s been in these times that our marriage has tested the bounds of both happiness and health.

Before we can understand how to improve a marriage — or any type of romantic partnership — as a highly sensitive person (HSP), it’s important to understand what being highly sensitive even means in the first place.

What Is Sensitivity?

If you’re “sensitive,” it’s not what most people think it is. Instead of being seen as a weakness — which is a falsehood — being sensitive is a healthy personality trait, a core part of our being. We can’t change it even if we tried. This means that everyone is sensitive to some level, yet some people are more sensitive than others. In fact, highly sensitive people make up nearly 30 percent of the population, which means almost 1 in 3 people are more sensitive. By this, we mean both physically (to stimuli such as lights, textures, sounds, and temperature) and emotionally (to the words, feelings, facial expressions, and social cues of those around them). 

The sensitivity trait is associated with many strengths and superpowers: we all know a sensitive artist (highly sensitive types tend to be creative) and those who are empathic more than most (they feel your pain as much as you do). Plus, sensitive souls tend to be deep thinkers, have a lot of emotional depth, pay much attention to detail, and an intuitive gift for making connections and witnessing moments that other people miss. Collectively, all these qualities make up a different definition of “sensitive” than you may be used to. Sensitives are anything but weak; they’re strong, gifted, and thoughtful.

Within a marriage, highly sensitive people bring a lot of positive qualities to the relationship. But how, exactly, does sensitivity apply in a marriage? Read on to find out.

Understanding My Sensitivity and How It Can Benefit My Marriage

As a highly sensitive person, I’ve always taken my marriage very seriously and have actively sought to improve the quality of it. I’ve spent hours researching resources available to HSPs to aid in understanding how to improve the quality of our marriages and to be better spouses. I’ve literally studied how to be married.

Due in large part to our love of deep connections, our empathetic nature, and our pervasive conscientiousness, HSPs inherently demonstrate key characteristics vital to maintaining successful relationships, especially long-term ones, such as marriage. Sometimes, however, these same attributes can overwhelm a person who doesn’t identify as highly sensitive (like my husband). This is why it is important for both parties to take proper care to understand and accept their partner and their needs. A collective effort is necessary to provide a fertile environment in order for marriages to flourish.

Yes, sensitive types have a tendency to place the needs and comfort of others before our own. Though I have come to embrace this sensitivity personality trait as a superpower, like most superpowers, there is a catch: putting others before myself can act as my kryptonite, becoming a source of angst and/or resentment. 

Being highly sensitive, I am constantly prioritizing my spouse’s needs at the expense of neglecting my own. This sometimes causes me to miss some of the classic signals of HSP burnout. There are times when I have begun to feel overlooked, neglected, and taken for granted, pouring out of my highly sensitive love bucket without feeling as though I was receiving a reciprocal effort. Without addressing these feelings, my husband and I have found ourselves in a vicious cycle that in no way benefits our marriage. 

In order to aid in building strong and long-standing marriages — and to help us to avoid experiencing burnout — HSPs must enlist the use of various tools and strategies (especially if you are in a relationship with a non-HSP). We must actively identify areas that need individual attention, and also those areas that we must enlist the help of our partners to improve. 

I’ve discovered four key strategies that have served as “relationship fertilizer,” adding tremendously to the continued growth and strength of my marriage. Whether you are a highly sensitive person, or you are married to one, perhaps you will find these tips beneficial as you seek to improve your marriage. It is my fervent hope that you will be able to implement some — or all — of them as you seek to strengthen, grow, and fortify your marriage relationship, as well. 

4 Ways to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

1. You must have honest and open communication 

Honesty provides a solid and reliable foundation for successful relationships. Highly sensitive types need to be in relationships in which honesty is the rule, not the exception. HSPs crave honest and heartfelt conversations. To that end, it is vital that we are safe to communicate things that we like and dislike, as well as those things that trigger certain emotions and responses in our partners. 

I recognize that being married to a highly sensitive person can, at times, be delicate for a non-sensitive person. Unaware of what to say, how to say it, or even when to broach certain conversations can add to tension and strife within marriages. The dynamic between the HSP, who wants nothing more than to connect with their partner by expressing their deepest selves, and the non-HSP partner, who is unaware of exactly how to broach certain conversations, can be somewhat tricky. However, navigating this dynamic is not impossible.

We sensitive people need to be heard, but, more importantly, understood. Here are a few strategies that can be employed to further fruitful dialogue between HSP and their spouses:

• Respect that both parties have different opinions, and that the goal is not necessarily agreement, but understanding 
• Read the body language of one another so you can gauge the temperature of the exchange and determine how to best proceed
• Avoid invalidating one another’s emotions
• Schedule time to talk about hard conversations; sometimes we must respect the idea that “now is not a good time”

These four strategies can help create an environment that will benefit both of you, and may offer the opportunity to delve into more difficult, but necessary, conversations. Remember: Marriage is a team endeavor — you are both working toward the same goals with one another, and not against one another.

2. Be willing to enlist the help of a professional

There may be times that the previously discussed strategies will not work. Perhaps the more sensitive partner is still unable or uncomfortable tackling the tough issues with their spouses. Or maybe they have difficulty pinpointing the exact issues that need to be addressed (an already frustrating event in our highly sensitive minds, as we have likely spent endless hours overthinking the situation). In moments like this, it is sometimes beneficial to enlist the help of a professional: a therapist or trained marriage counselor. They can:

• Act as an unbiased third party, giving honest feedback to both spouses
• Identify relationship roadblocks before they become too daunting to effectively maneuver
• Help find ways to increase the intimate connection between you and your partner
• Offer a safe space for spouses to further educate themselves about one another in a judgment-free zone

I sometimes make the unfair assumption that my husband automatically understands how my highly sensitive mind and heart work, since we have been married for so long. I’ve been guilty of placing unfair expectations on him, tasking him with reading my mind and understanding the meanings behind my words, rather than the words themselves. 

When we have found ourselves unable to communicate our truest feelings to one another, we have turned to the professional guidance of our marriage counselor. Something that we have found to be key in counseling has been the education we have both gained surrounding highly sensitive people in marriage. Even identifying as an HSP, there are still those critical moments when I cannot fully conceptualize or explain the “me” of things. Counseling not only offers me the opportunity to dig deeper into this understanding, but to do so with my husband by my side gaining understanding, as well. 

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3. Be willing to continue to educate yourself

Marriage counseling provides an invaluable educational opportunity for couples. Even still, in order to continue to improve our marriages, sensitive people must be willing to enroll in “Maintaining Marriage 101: a life-long continuing education course in marriage.” (Yes, I made that up). Spouses who love their highly sensitive partners invest time and effort into understanding our needs. HSPs think deeply, feel intuitively, and are highly observant, and we are willing to do the work to help to insure the longevity of our marriages and to meet our partners where they are, as well. Learning about one another is vital. The more we know together, the more we are able to grow together.

As a sensitive person, I am always seeking to connect deeper with my husband. Some things that have proven valuable in intensifying our connection have been:  

• Carving out date nights for just the two of us to disconnect from everything except one another 
• Celebrating and respecting one another’s individuality by embracing the differences each of our personalities brings to the marriage
• Identifying mutual interests that we can enjoy as a married couple
• Honoring one another’s space and autonomy by allowing for times to recharge so that time spent together can be fully enjoyed

Regularly incorporating these practices into our marriage has allowed me to view it as a safe and welcome space. An added bonus has been that this space contributes to my highly sensitive superpower of enjoying deep connections within my most intimate relationship. 

4. Establish both individual boundaries and marital boundaries

Boundaries are fundamental in allowing both parties in a marriage to thrive both as individuals and as a part of the marital team. HSPs sometimes find boundary-setting difficult, due to the importance we place on other people’s feelings and needs. 

As a sensitive soul, I often have to remind myself that boundaries are not negative. Let me say that again: boundaries are not negative. In fact, boundaries are necessary and take a lot of the guess-work out of relational expectations. Healthy boundaries aren’t set to benefit one person at the expense of another; rather, they consider each party’s rights and dignities. 

Once I had a better understanding of how boundaries could benefit my marriage, I became more aware of those areas around which I needed to set boundaries for myself, and those I felt were important to protect my marriage. Keep in mind: boundaries are not a one-size-fits-all idea. There are, however, some general considerations you can make when establishing personal and marital boundaries. For instance:

• Make sure each boundary’s purpose is to better the relationship
• Acknowledge that the boundaries aren’t being put in place to be rigid and harsh, but rather to protect and provide structure
• Respect both parties’ individual rights and needs — neither more than the other
• Embrace the differences in one another’s feelings, and aim to never, ever invalidate what is important to one another

I once read that, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” Writer Robert A. Heinlein is behind that quote and, as an HSP, this rings especially true. My goal within my marriage is to contribute to an environment that helps to plant seeds of happiness, love, and deep connection. By intentionally practicing behaviors aimed to improve our relationship, my goal is to harvest a marital garden that reaps good fruit, while tilling the soil and pulling out the bad weeds. It’s in this “garden of love” that I am sure “happily ever after” continues to grow, season after season. 

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We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 7 Keys to a Happy, Thriving Marriage with a Highly Sensitive Person
• The Challenges of Being an HSP in a Relationship With a Non-HSP
• My High Sensitivity Saved My Marriage. But First, It Almost Ruined It.

The post How to Improve Your Marriage When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Dear sensitive soul,

High sensitivity is beautiful, and beauty is sought after by others. That’s why others often pursue you. They see the thoughtful, conscientious, caring person you are.

But you often feel the need to make others happy. So you do things you don’t want to do and go places you don’t want to go. You say to yourself, “I only have to pretend for a little while, and then I can retreat and recharge. I don’t want to let anyone down.”

Afterwards, you feel exhausted and emotionally drained. You may even feel resentful of yourself and the other people.

But you dare not admit it, lest you come across as ungrateful or unwilling to compromise.

So what’s the problem here? The problem is not that you’re a highly sensitive person. The problem is that because you’re a highly sensitive person, you don’t want to let anyone down.

So you continue to pretend. You continue to people-please because you don’t want anyone to be disappointed in you. As a result, you find yourself stuck in an exhausting cycle of physical, mental, and emotional burnout.

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Disappointing Others Can Be an Act of Self-Love

My dear beautiful soul, I want you to know something. Something that will help you stop feeling the need to pretend. Something that will move you from a place of exhaustion to a place of energy:

To disappoint others for the sake of authenticity is not selfish. It’s an act of self-love.

As a highly sensitive person, growing up was confusing for me — and just about everyone else. People saw me as an enigma. Teachers saw that I was usually smiling or laughing; church members noticed that I could carry on mature conversations; friends knew that I could make anyone around me feel comfortable; and mom and dad knew that I had deep empathy for others.

On the other hand, teachers wondered why I didn’t socialize more with classmates; church members wondered why I always went straight home after the service; friends wondered why I rarely went to parties; and my parents wondered why I spent so much time alone in my room, talking to my imaginary friends.

When you’re sharply attuned to social cues and body language, as highly sensitive people are, you can’t help but notice when people are disappointed in you. Sometimes they even say it out loud. I remember a friend telling me, “You’re so independent” — and that wasn’t a compliment.

Here are other examples:

“Why do you need so much time alone if you say that you love people?”

“Carla, you really need more friends.”

“I don’t understand why you respond to my texts but you won’t answer my calls.”

“Carla, you are constantly withdrawing into your room. You might have a social problem.”

It’s funny now, but it wasn’t funny then! My friends and family deemed my highly sensitive ways as socially unacceptable — dangerous, even.

I’ve had to painstakingly process, and ultimately embrace, who I am. And I’ve found that the key to doing so is self-love and authenticity.

4 Power Steps to Self-Love and Authenticity

When we act authentically, we’re saying that our needs are just as important as the needs of anyone else. We’re showing ourselves self-love and practicing self-care.

Authenticity is a process. That is to say, it won’t magically happen overnight. However, you can start taking small steps now to act more authentically — and ultimately get your energy back.

Here are the four techniques I’ve used that might work for you, too:

1. Get fed up

A desire for one thing usually arises from a desire to not have something else. My desire for authenticity arose from my desire to no longer pretend to be okay with things I actually wasn’t.

I was exhausted. After a while, people-pleasing literally made me feel sick. Headaches, stomach aches, you name it — I suspect these were all ways my body was trying to get me to stop pretending.

I simply had to stop. At one point, I remember my heart asking me, “Why are you making yourself miserable so that everyone around you can be happy?”

Highly sensitive people, the first step to acting authentically is to get fed up with your current state. Acknowledge that it’s time for a change.

2. Get reacquainted

You would think that as highly sensitive people, we would know ourselves well because we spend so much time reflecting, but that’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes it gets so hard to deal with people’s reactions to your complexity that you start to deny your complexity. We start to suppress the unacceptable aspects of ourselves so we won’t have to deal with rejection.

Unfortunately, this only causes more fragmentation. So I encourage you to get reacquainted with those things you’ve abandoned.

Is it weird that I’ll watch Star Trek: The Next Generation and The Real Housewives of New Jersey on the same day? Sure, but who cares! The fact that I like those two shows is part of what makes me who I am. Besides, what you are is never all you are.

Take some time to think about what fills you up. What makes you authentically happy. It doesn’t matter if these things would strike others as odd, indulgent, or even dull. Write a list of these things in your journal. Better yet, hang this list in a place where you’ll see it often, like on your bathroom mirror. Vow to do one thing off this list every day.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Get romantic

You know what I realized? No one will ever know me like me and no one will ever understand me like me. I also realized that the cells in my body love me; they work hard for me every day!

So I started to whisper “I love you.” While I’m brushing my hair: “I love you.” While I’m driving to work: “I love you.” While I’m in the shower: “I love you.”

If “I love you” isn’t your thing, you might try a different mantra, like:

• “It’s not my job to please others or make them like me.”
• “This is my life, and my life belongs to me.”
• “My needs matter. My desires matter. My emotions matter.”

4. Give yourself permission to say no

Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you rude, uncaring, or unkind.

Have you ever wondered why we feel compelled to say yes? It likely stems from our childhood. Growing up, we’re told that “yes” is the polite thing to do. If we said no, we got pushback from teachers, parents, and the other adults in our lives. “No” meant we were being difficult, disagreeable, or rude.

Sadly, we hold onto these limiting childhood beliefs. As adults, we continue to think (consciously or unconsciously) that we’ll be abandoned or rejected if we say no.

But “no” shouldn’t be off-limits. As adults, we’re fully capable of deciding for ourselves what is right and what is wrong for us. In fact, no one knows us better than ourselves.

The final step to acting more authentically is to own your right to say “no.”

Highly sensitive people, remember, the path of authenticity is not one for the faint of heart, but it is one that will preserve your heart — and your physical and emotional energy.

A version of this article was originally published on Introvert, Dear.

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• Why Highly Sensitive People React So Strongly to Criticism
• 20 Self-Care Ideas for Highly Sensitive People
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy

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The post Disappointing Others Hurts. Can It Also Be an Act of Self Love? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.