I have a lot of experience with gaslighting. I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP), someone who has a biological trait that makes me extra aware of stimuli and more likely to process things very deeply. As such, I already see the world a little differently than most people, and it makes it easy for my experiences to be dismissed. But it took me a long time to realize that’s what was happening.

(Not sure if you’re an HSP? Here are 21 signs that you are.) 

Being an HSP gives me superpowers, but it also brings challenges. And, when we don’t realize we have this trait, it can be hard to understand why the world seems so overwhelming or why we seem to think so differently from the people around us. Enter gaslighting.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation wherein someone makes you question your sanity or your version of reality. The term originated from the 1939 play “Gaslight.” In it, a husband slowly makes his wife believe she is going insane by telling her that what she sees — the gaslights dimming — isn’t real in order to hide the criminal things he does behind her back. Gaslighting is difficult to identify by its very nature. When other people are manipulating you into thinking you’re crazy, it’s hard to argue against that version of reality. 

This becomes even more difficult when you’re an HSP and the whole world sometimes seems to be gaslighting you by telling you what you experience can’t possibly be the whole truth or all that bad. HSPs notice minute details and find meaning in those details. The trouble is, other people often overlook those same details or they see them as meaningless. When HSPs try to explain what they see or think, they may be dismissed. 

Have you ever been involved in what seemed like a perfectly pleasant conversation, sharing your insight, when someone suddenly said you were “reading too much into it,” or being “too sensitive” or “dramatic”? That’s incredibly common for HSPs, and it’s a form of gaslighting that can take a toll on our psyches.

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Unintentional Gaslighting Is Still Gaslighting

In many cases, this gaslighting isn’t intentional, at least not in an abusive way. Our friends and family aren’t trying to make us feel crazy and insecure. They simply do not see the world the way we do, and to them, the only logical explanation for why our worldview differs from theirs is because we must be too sensitive or looking for meaning that doesn’t exist. 

Even though it isn’t intentional in an abusive way, it can still be incredibly toxic. After all, what kind of friend or parent or partner listens to you, and, rather than accepting you for who you are, figures that you’re simply wrong and they’re right? Why isn’t it okay for us to be different?

In my personal experience, I believe people unintentionally gaslight HSPs because they feel threatened by their insight. Non-HSPs can be incredibly insightful and thoughtful as well, but they typically don’t process the little things in life quite as deeply as HSPs do. So when an HSP expresses frustration at the bigger picture behind very small things, non-HSPs can get defensive because they didn’t see the problem before, thus making them complicit in whatever the issue is.

HSPs can experience gaslighting in all kinds of arenas, including home, work, and school. Bosses might gaslight an HSP employee who brings up underlying issues in the workplace that the boss is technically responsible for. Teachers might gaslight HSP students who are emotional in order to get them to be quiet, rather than offer them the comfort they need. Parents even gaslight their own kids because they feel that if they simply shut down all those “unnecessary” or “excessive” emotions, their child will be “better” (read: less sensitive).

Sometimes this gaslighting is intentional, sometimes it isn’t. But regardless of the intention behind it, gaslighting can have incredibly harmful long-term effects.

How Gaslighting Affects HSPs

The trouble with being an HSP and experiencing gaslighting is that the whole world seems to agree with the gaslighter. HSPs see the world differently, but that doesn’t mean our view is incorrect. Sadly, most of us grow up feeling that way. Feeling wrong or crazy or broken. And even after we realize we’re HSPs and we’ve been gaslighted, those feelings don’t just vanish.

Gaslighting destroys a person’s ability to trust themselves, and the more gaslighting happens, the more that trust disintegrates until it feels like there’s nothing left at all.

This can look like indecision about minor things (because you don’t trust yourself to make the “right” decision), codependency (because you have learned to defer to other’s preferences and opinions completely), defensiveness (because everything feels like a threat to your worldview), and more.

Being unintentionally gaslighted can also lead to more abusive gaslighting. A lack of self-trust makes us prime targets for abusers seeking to gaslight us further. We have so much trouble trusting our instincts because of past gaslighting, we may not listen to our guts when we think someone else might be gaslighting us again.

But you don’t have to be trapped in these patterns of self-doubt forever — no matter what it feels like now.

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We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

4 Ways to Start Healing from Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of trauma, and one of the best ways to heal from it is to start using trauma-informed techniques to process the pain it causes. I’m a huge fan of therapy (check out my series on how to get started), but I understand that it isn’t accessible for everyone. 

If you’re looking for ways to cope with this trauma on your own, here are a few tools you can try:

1. Learn more about yourself. 

First and foremost, read all you can about high sensitivity and why it’s a great thing. There’s a growing amount of writing — including this very site — about the trait. Once you have a better understanding of who you are, and how high sensitivity informs your identity, you can build better boundaries to deal with gaslighting, and even start to recognize when people call you on things you know, deep down, to be true. 

2. Make small decisions on your own. 

It’s natural to ask advice when making decisions, but if you’ve been leaning on other people’s opinions for a while, take a step back. Try making small decisions without asking anyone for approval. It’s scary at first, but the more you learn to trust yourself with small things, the more you’ll learn to trust yourself in every area of your life.

3. Let go of the desire to “earn” acceptance or approval. 

One reason we turn to others for advice is that we crave their approval on some level. Gaslighters often make it seem as though if you just do and think about everything the “right” way (aka their way), then they’ll love you the way you deserve. But you deserve to be loved just the way you are, and in order to heal, you’ll need to know that you have worth beyond others’ approval.

4. Grieve what happened. 

When others make it seem as though you’re not who you’re supposed to be — that being highly sensitive is somehow wrong — that can feel particularly heavy. So it’s okay to take time and grieve those interactions. Whether it was at school, work, home, or among friends, gaslighting robs you of a normal, happy experience you could have had, and it’s okay to mourn for what you deserved. 

None of this means that experience of gaslighting will be easy to brush off. But if understanding yourself is a necessary step in building boundaries, so, too, is understanding how gaslighting affects you as a sensitive person. Once you’re armed with that knowledge, it’ll be harder for the cycle to repeat itself.  

A version of this article was previously published on the author’s blog, Megan Writes Everything.

You might like:

• It’s Okay to Disconnect From Toxic People to Protect Yourself
• Do You Crave Deeper, More Meaningful Friendships? You’re Not Alone
• 8 Things I Wish People Knew About Me as an HSP

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post You’re Not ‘Too Sensitive.’ You’re Being Gaslighted appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Feeling warm and a bit fuzzy, I waved goodbye to my friends at the bar and started walking home. It’s early, but I was feeling overwhelmed, tired, and very ready to put on some sweats and eat comfort food. At this point in college, my friends were used to it. Even though I’d make big plans for all-night bar hopping each weekend, I’d more typically be found going home by myself after half an hour. 

At the time I assumed I must be an introvert. But after a while I realized that I wasn’t burned out from all the people — I actually loved hanging out with my friends and wished they would come home with me for movies and late-night talks. Instead, it turns out I’m an extrovert who also happens to be a highly sensitive person — someone who processes information very deeply, and can get exhausted in overstimulating situations. 

It was my sensitivity, not introversion, that made the bar scene too much to handle. And learning that explained two opposite forces in my life.

The Two Sides of a Highly Sensitive Extrovert

Extroversion and introversion are important personality factors that signify how a person gets their energy. Introverts feel energized when they’re alone, and typically feel drained if they spend too much time with other people. Extroverts, on the other hand, tend to gain energy with others and may be very lethargic if left alone for too long. 

Because the highly sensitive person (HSP) tends to need a lot of time alone to recharge from a world that we find very overwhelming, it’s tempting to believe that we’re all introverts. However, the psychologist who discovered the highly sensitive trait, Dr. Elaine Aron, estimates that about 30 percent of HSPs are actually extroverts. 

So what happens when your brain is hardwired to crave interaction with others — but also to process all incoming information with the intensity of a supercomputer? In many ways we are left with two very different sides of ourselves: one that needs connection, and one that needs space. 

If you’ve ever felt trapped between these two needs yourself, or you can’t quite tell if you’re an introvert, or an extrovert, here are six seeming contradictions you might relate to — that may mean you’re a highly sensitive extrovert like me. 

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6 Inner Contradictions of a Highly Sensitive Extrovert

1. You find yourself trapped in a cycle of over- and under-stimulation.

Tell me if this sounds familiar: On the weekends, you have 57 separate engagements and you are determined to make it to them all. It’s no big deal, you think. It’ll be fine.

By Sunday evening, you’re exhausted — perhaps even to the point of crying — and cannot fathom going to work the next morning, or doing anything at all ever again. You cancel all of your plans for the following weekend and instead intend to spend that time alone, finding your inner peace. But by mid-week you’re bored out of your mind, so you immediately start making plans for the weekend. Maybe too many plans.

This is the cycle of over- and under-stimulation that many highly sensitive extroverts fall prey to.  As extroverts, we need contact with people in order to feel energized and fulfilled, but as HSPs, we need adequate time to process our interactions with the world. When we’re in one mode, we may start craving the other, so we make all kinds of plans to fulfill the opposite need, whether that means scheduling eight parties in two days, or canceling all of our plans and buying an array of meditation journals and adult coloring books.

2. You love parties, but you tend to bail out early.

Not all extroverts love going to parties — but a lot of us do. Even HSPs can enjoy a good party, as long as we know most of the people there and we’ve been to the location before. If you’re a highly sensitive extrovert, odds are good that you really look forward to going to parties. You might spend hours getting ready or pre-gaming, and when you finally head out the door you feel confident that tonight is going to be So Much Fun. 

Then, about two hours in, you find yourself quietly slipping out the door, going home, putting on your softest PJs, and re-watching your favorite Disney movie. It’s not that you weren’t having fun, it’s just that your highly sensitive brain can only take an hour or two of that environment before all the information bombarding your brain starts to outweigh the fun stimulation your extroverted brain needs. 

3. People like to open up to you — maybe a little too much.

If you’re a highly sensitive extrovert, you’ve probably had an experience a lot like this one: You’re grocery shopping, minding your own business, when someone comes up to you and asks you a simple question, or pays you a small compliment. You respond politely, and before you know it, they’re telling you all about their recent divorce or their kid’s recent trouble in school or their cousin’s friend’s mom who just got out of jail. You do your best to give the person the support they so clearly need, but you’re always left a little confused about how the conversation got there.

Honestly, this can be very draining for sensitive extroverts. Even though we love deep conversations, we don’t love having others dump their stories on us without giving us an opportunity to share as well. It’s really less of a conversation and more of a monologue that we feel obligated to listen to. Many highly sensitive people struggle with boundaries, and this is one area where learning to guard our energy could help us enforce those boundaries necessary to keep us healthy and happy.

4. You might get along with kids even better than adults.

I believe that HSPs are naturally inclined to get along with children very well due to our naturally intuitive nature, and extroverts tend to love kids because they’re so high energy. Kids run on pure intuition and energy, making them a highly sensitive extrovert’s best friend.

Time flies when you’re playing race cars or princesses or super secret ninja unicorns, and highly sensitive extroverts will find their energy recharged in no time at all. Best of all, kids’ verbal communication skills are typically still developing, so they tend to communicate through nuance and nonverbal gestures. Since HSPs are already absorbing all of this information all the time, it’s nice to hang out with someone who doesn’t add to all the stimulation with extra words.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5. Your favorite activity might be quiet down-time with a loved one.

Believe it or not, it is possible to be extroverted and enjoy things that are low-key. One of the best ways to satisfy your extroversion and your high sensitivity is to hang out with a loved one, quietly doing nothing important together. Thanks to your high sensitivity, you’ll be able to enjoy their energy even without actively interacting, and since you’re both being quiet and doing your own thing, you won’t get overwhelmed by excess stimuli. 

My husband and I love to sit in our living room together as he plays video games and I work on this blog or scroll through TikTok, occasionally showing him the ones that make me snort. When we go to bed, I feel like I got my extroversion energy for the day, but my brain isn’t short-circuiting as it tries to process several hours of conversation and activity.

6. You take frequent social media breaks — but when you’re on, you’re on.

In many ways, social media is an HSP’s worst nightmare. The lack of nuance, the constant updating (and consequently, the constant falling behind and missing out), and, ugh, the aggression. But for the extrovert, social media is also an amazing way to reach out and create connections with others even if you can’t see them in person. 

So how does this work when you’re a highly sensitive extrovert? For starters, you tend to take a lot of breaks from social media. Your extroverted heart wants to connect, but your sensitivity quickly starts drowning in all the miscommunication and raw emotion, and you can easily feel like the only way to protect yourself is to get rid of social media entirely. (You might be relieved to know there are alternatives to deleting your profiles.)

At other times, you are your friends’ favorite social media personality. Your sensitivity allows you to imbue your posts with a certain nuance that is typically lacking on social media. You’re funny, insightful, and people like seeing your posts. I often wonder how many social media influencers are actually highly sensitive people!

How to Find Balance as a Sensitive Extrovert

For sensitive extroverts, this “hot and cold” tendency runs through much of what we do. At times, it can feel like there is a war inside of us — we want to be with people! No, we want to be alone! But that doesn’t mean we can’t find balance. 

For me, the first step to striking that balance was to learn about myself as a highly sensitive person. It involved recognizing that it’s stimulation, not people, that wears me out — and that I can often get all the social time I want, if I choose to do it in a quieter setting. These days, I spend a lot less time at crowded bars — and a lot more time with my friends. 

A version of this article was previously published on the author’s blog, Megan Writes Everything.

You might like:

• 13 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Extrovert
• 9 Things I Wish People Knew About Me as a Highly Sensitive Extrovert
• 13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 6 Contradictions That Sensitive Extroverts Experience Every Day appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Arguing with your partner is the worst — whether you’re a sensitive person or not. But, for those of us who process emotions at a heightened level, feelings of anger and frustration can completely derail us. When my husband and I disagree, I can’t even focus on the actual topic we’re fighting about. Instead, I get swept away in my husband’s feelings — and my own — and it becomes so overwhelming that I either shut down or just start crying.

It’s not the healthiest form of communication, I know. For one thing, it means the actual topic of disagreement doesn’t get discussed — and even though it can be painful, open discussion about disagreement is absolutely vital to a good relationship. 

Plus, even though I don’t do it intentionally, shutting down or crying shifts the interaction to make it all about me. Instead of asserting his opinions, my husband now has to set his own experience on the back burner in order to find ways to comfort me. 

And let’s be honest, it just sucks to be drawn into the depths of despair any time you disagree with your partner. Disagreement and argument are natural parts of any long-term relationship, and it’s not possible (or advisable) to avoid them forever. But it’s hard to willingly enter into an argument when you know how awful it’s going to make you feel. This can increase anxiety around the argument and make things even worse for a highly sensitive person (HSP).

But here’s the thing: Even though being sensitive can make arguing more difficult, it doesn’t have to be a horrible experience. It is totally possible to survive arguments with your partner without sinking into an emotional pitfall. It just takes conscious effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. So, here are five ways I’ve learned to do just that.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

5 Ways to Fight Better When You’re Sensitive

1. Consider how your sensitivity affects arguments.

Being highly sensitive is a healthy, normal trait. But, the first step toward healthier arguments for an HSP is to consider how your sensitivity impacts the way you and your partner argue. If you grew up being told you were too sensitive — like many HSPs — you may be tempted to feel ashamed of your highly sensitive nature, but it’s important to resist this temptation. Shame leads us nowhere.

Instead, try to acknowledge your sensitivity’s role in your arguments in a non-judgmental way. High sensitivity is another human trait just like any other, and it has both positive and negative impacts on our lives. When it comes to arguing, it can often have a negative impact, and the sooner we understand that, the sooner we can start working with our HSP nature rather than against it.

2. Figure out exactly how your sensitivity affects your arguments.

Once you understand that your high sensitivity impacts the way you argue, take inventory of how. Do you get overwhelmed and lash out? Do you shut down completely? Does every small disagreement bring up intense fears of abandonment that linger with you for days? 

It might help to recall your last argument with your partner and replay it in your mind. Try to pinpoint exactly where your high sensitivity came into play and how it affected you/your partner/the discussion. Fair warning, reliving an argument can bring back some of those negative feelings for HSPs, so go into this with a patient and gentle mindset. You aren’t doing this to place blame on yourself, you’re doing this to improve your life. It may be helpful to write things down as you think, to help keep yourself on track. Maybe doodle a few hearts throughout the page to remind yourself that you are worthy of love.

Keep in mind that the differences in your argument style due to high sensitivity don’t have to be all negative. Personally, I’ve noticed that my high sensitivity makes it much easier for me to understand my partner’s point of view in a matter of minutes, whereas it often takes a full conversation for him to understand where I’m coming from. 

3. Give your partner a “user manual.”

Now you have all this great information about you and how your brain works, but it will only be helpful if your partner knows about it as well. In many ways, by sharing this information, you are giving your partner a “user manual” on how to resolve conflict more easily. 

For instance, if you’ve discovered that you tend to shut down in arguments because you can’t process all the emotional stimulation at once, the two of you can make a plan for what to do about those shutdowns. Maybe it would be helpful to take breaks during arguments to allow you to re-charge and process at your own pace.

Notice that this plan doesn’t require your partner to take responsibility for your emotions — it’s okay to ask your partner for help, of course, but you want to respect their emotional needs as well. Even if their emotions are not as “big” as yours, they’re still important. Perhaps after the break, you’ll both be better able to hear each others’ needs.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. In the heat of an argument, identify your emotions and where they are coming from.

This is incredibly tricky, at least for me. For a long time, I was taught to ignore my emotions, and not pay any extra attention to them, but one of the best ways to prevent your emotions from taking over your consciousness is to keep an eye on what they’re doing.

As an HSP, my emotions are rarely purely my own. I tend to absorb the emotions of those around me, and if I’m not careful, they can derail my own emotional experience. This can make arguments absolutely miserable because I’m juggling both my own frustration and my partner’s. 

One way to combat this is to sift through my emotions as I feel them. Sometimes this requires me to explain out loud what’s happening inside my head — but that can be a good thing. 

Imagine taking a moment to say something like, “I feel angry and upset, and I think some of that is coming from you rather than from me, and it’s making it hard for me to focus on what we’re actually talking about.” This lets your partner know where you are emotionally, and it might be a good signal that it’s time to take a break. It can feel a bit forced and awkward at first, but I have found that it makes my disagreements with my husband so much easier for me to handle. 

5. Ask for the support you need.

Okay, you’ve done all the personal work, and that’s absolutely amazing, but you don’t have to do this alone. After all, arguments are a two-way street, and chances are, your partner could benefit from some introspection about their own arguing habits as well. HSPs aren’t the only ones with communication quirks, after all. That’s just part of being human.

Ask your partner if they’re willing to discuss adjustments they could make to their argument style that would help you function better in an argument. Over the last 8 years, my husband and I have come up with several adjustments on my husband’s part that make the argument easier on my HSP heart — without repressing or invalidating his own emotions.

For one, my husband has become very good at noticing when I’m panicking and shutting down, and suggests we take a break when he sees this. This gives me time to settle down and take my body out of fight, flight, or freeze mode. 

Likewise, my husband frequently makes gentle physical contact throughout an argument, like reaching out for my hand or rubbing my back. These loving gestures are absolutely essential to reminding me that this argument is just that: an argument, not marriage-ending abandonment. 

He has also started sharing his thought processes about the argument as we argue, like I described in #4. As an HSP, it’s helpful for me to identify and share my emotions, but it’s also crucial for my husband to make those same insights into himself and share them with me. When both of us discuss our feelings about how the argument is going, we become more respectful and understanding of each other.

HSP, what is arguing like for you? How do you deal with it? Let me know in the comments below.

A version of this article has been previously published on the author’s blog, Megan Writes Everything.

You might like:

• How to Love a Highly Sensitive Person
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect?
• Do You Cry Easily? You Might Be a Highly Sensitive Person

The post How to Survive a Fight With Your Partner When You’re the Sensitive One appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.