Fabienne Rivet, Author at Sensitive Refuge

Are Highly Sensitive People More Prone to Relationship Anxiety?

Fabienne Rivet — Mon, 16 Sep 2024 11:00:00 +0000

Relationship anxiety turns small things into big things and makes good relationships go sour. Are HSPs at higher risk?

Growing up as a highly sensitive person (HSP) was never easy. Overstimulated, overthinking, an overdose of feelings — I was used to feeling like I was “too much.” And I started to notice that these patterns would sneak into my relationships, especially romantic ones.

I always felt like I needed to be someone else in order to be loved and accepted by my partner. Despite being with a loving and supportive partner for three years now, I am still struggling with intrusive and obsessive thoughts, moments of overwhelming doubts, and a hyper-awareness of everything he does and everything I feel.

I used to believe that there was something deeply wrong with me… until I stumbled upon the term “relationship anxiety.”

Wait… What Is ‘Relationship Anxiety’?

Every single one of us, HSP or not, experiences doubts, boredom, or moments of anxiety in our relationships. Romantic partnerships are not like the ones Hollywood had fed us, and it is totally normal to not always feel in love, not always want to have sex, or to question our relationships. It is actually good to have these moments — to grow together, learn about ourselves and our other half, and deepen the relationship.

But relationship anxiety is about a disordered way of experiencing these moments. It is a coping mechanism, like anxiety, aiming to protect us. However, it translates into constantly obsessing about our relationship and/or falling into compulsions (like seeking reassurance every day or googling things like, “Is he ‘The One?’”).

It is about asking our loved ones if our partner is good for us or nitpicking every little detail about our relationship. It is doubting ourselves first, and our relationship second, despite being in a healthy, supportive, accepting, and loving partnership. And, as highly sensitive souls, we can be more vulnerable to relationship anxiety since we feel things so deeply and tend to overthink things, too. Here are some reasons as to why I think this is the case.

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5 Reasons Why Highly Sensitive People Are More Prone to Relationship Anxiety

1. They’re afraid of being rejected.

HSPs often grow up feeling different, as though they have a disorder (which they don’t). “I am not normal” and “There is something wrong with me” are both recurrent thoughts for a highly sensitive person. We often feel disconnected to others, especially when we are young and grow up being told we need to “toughen up” instead of learning to embrace our sensitivity.

As adults, as relationship anxiety finds its roots in the fear of being abandoned, we want to be certain that our partner will not leave us. Therefore, we want to constantly make sure that everything is perfect, from our feelings to the way our partner acts. Because perfection means happiness, and happiness means our partner will not abandon us. (That’s how the mind of someone with relationship anxiety thinks.)

2. They are very in touch with their feelings — and it gets overwhelming.

HSPs feel everything, all the time, from excitement to boredom to nostalgia. And we all know that relationships are a roller coaster of emotions. When we feel happy and excited, we associate it with the relationship being “good.” But when we feel sad, anxious, or unsure, we automatically think that there is no love anymore. And it makes us even more sad, anxious, or unsure.

3. They are dreamers and idealists.

We have been raised in a culture where Hollywood’s happy endings and Disney’s fairy tales were often our first exposure to romantic relationships. As an HSP, we are more prone to have big expectations — because we want the reality to match our beliefs.

But the thing is, big expectations lead to big disappointments. And big disappointments lead to even bigger anxious thoughts, like “This must mean that this relationship is wrong” or “If I do not reenact The Notebook on a daily basis, I am not in love with my partner.”

4. They are all-or-nothing people.

When you have relationship anxiety as an HSP, it is either, “ love you and you are my soulmate” or “I feel nothing when looking at you; it must mean that we are not meant for each other.” And this black-or-white thinking can cause a lot of anxiety.

5. They need more time alone.

Romantic relationships are often associated with connection, intimacy, and intense passion. However, as an HSP, we get overwhelmed easily and need more alone time and space to charge our batteries.

But it can feel awkward to feel that — is there something “wrong” with us (or the relationship) just because we need alone time? Other couples seem to spend all their time together… So it can bring up feelings of guilt and the usual heart-breaking question, “Am I normal?” (Yes, you are, by the way!)

If you recognize yourself in any of the above points: Don’t worry! Relationship anxiety is a way to (subconsciously) protect yourself from past traumas, attachments, wounds ,and/or childhood pain. It can be helpful to seek therapy or talk to someone who understands and loves you.

If you are not a fan of therapy, or can’t afford it, but also want to do some things on your own, here are some tips to help you deal — and heal — from your relationship anxiety.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System?

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

6 Ways to Deal With Relationship Anxiety

1. Talk to your partner.

I get it. Communicating your feelings and being vulnerable can be hard, especially when you have been used to people judging you or making you feel lonely. But your partner is your teammate, and if you want it to work, explaining to them what you need, want, and have been through can be really relieving.

If it is hard for you to talk face-to-face, why not write them a letter? A song? A poem? Basically, express yourself with your preferred creative form to make them listen and understand — or at least to open the dialogue for you to then talk about it in person. Plus, that way, you can see each other’s body language, too, which is equally as important as verbal communication.

2. Practice self-compassion.

The thing is, the most important loving relationship you can build is with yourself. That does not mean that you need to be alone until you fully love yourself. Being in a relationship can be a great way to learn about your needs, your wounds, and your qualities. But practicing self-love and self-compassion can help you deconstruct the false beliefs about yourself — that you are not normal or that you do not deserve to be loved; you do.

To connect with yourself in a loving manner, you can practice mindfulness, reciting daily positive affirmations, journaling, spending time in nature, and doing things you love.

3. Surround yourself with people who make you feel loved.

Relationship anxiety is rooted in the fear of rejection and abandonment. And as much as your partner can make you feel understood, loved, and accepted, you also need a fulfilling ecosystem around you, with friends, colleagues, and family members who make you feel as though you are deserving of this unconditional love.

Also, remember that your partner cannot fulfill all your needs, so having a night in with your best friend(s) is totally recommended!

4. Remember that relationships are a great means to learn and grow.

Romantic relationships can be hard, but when they are healthy, loving, and accepting, they can make us learn about our patterns and grow into a better version of ourselves. This means accepting that your partner will sometimes push your buttons and you will feel hurt — but see it as an opportunity to understand why you are reacting a certain way; it will make you grow.

By the way, I am not talking about abusive relationships here, including with someone who is a narcissist or is gaslighting you.

5. Try leaning into the gray area of things.

Remember when I mentioned black-and-white thinking? Well, the best way to change this pattern of all-or-nothing thinking is to notice that, sometimes, two things can coexist. You can feel both bored with and love your partner. You can want to spend time alone and miss your partner. Your partner can be not as sensitive as you are and still be a good match for you. And so on…

6. Practice being okay with spending time alone.

There is nothing wrong with needing to unwind and disconnecting from your partner for a few days and spending time with yourself instead. In fact, it’s healthy! It will also help you two reconnect more afterward. Just remember to talk to your partner, so that they do not freak out about you going MIA!

And remember that there is nothing wrong with having our own space, our own hobbies, and our own interpersonal relationships outside our partnership. On the contrary, this is more than healthy!

Being a highly sensitive person is a gift, and being with a partner who tries their best to learn and grow by your side is sometimes all we need. Relationship anxiety can be healed. But in the meantime, the important thing to remember is to be patient with yourself. After all, you are your biggest ally.

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The post Are Highly Sensitive People More Prone to Relationship Anxiety? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

How HSPs Thrive With Non-HSP Partners

Fabienne Rivet — Mon, 17 Oct 2022 13:00:00 +0000

They say “opposites attract” — and when you’re an HSP coupled up with a non-HSP, it can make for a very healthy relationship. Here’s how.

When you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you may be surprised when non-HSPs don’t react to stimuli, and situations, the same way you do. They may not be the least bit bothered by crowds, loud noises, or bright, blinding-right-in-your-face types of lights. To you, they seem to walk through life as if nothing disturbs them. And for HSPs, this can be really confusing — at least initially.

Given that highly sensitive people (HSPs) represent nearly 30 percent of the population, we’re the minority — most of society is made up of non-HSPs.

When I first met my boyfriend, for instance, I was blown away by his pragmatic, overly rational, totally down-to-earth approach to life. He was able to move on from things easily, not be affected by others’ moods, and barely needed alone time to recharge. He’d go from one party to the next — no big deal. He was so different from me…

We’ve been together for three-and-a-half years now, and our differences are still a challenge sometimes.

Tackling Challenges Between HSPs and Non-HSPs

Being in a relationship with a non-HSP partner can be challenging because it means different rhythms, different lifestyles’ choices, different ways of seeing life, different ways of feeling life. And as HSP, we often feel different from others, and sometimes can feel miles away from our partner because we feel like they don’t ‘get us’.

So you might be wondering: so why do I need a non-HSP in my life?

Well, every couple has their issues, HSP or not. And when moving through differences and issues, being with a non-HSP can be really life-changing — for the best! They say “opposites attract,” and it’s true in this case. When you’re an HSP coupled up with a non-HSP, it can be a very healthy relationship! Below are some ways HSPs can thrive with non-HSP partners.

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9 Ways HSPs Can Thrive With Non-HSP Partners

1. Communicate openly about your needs, values, beliefs, and differences.

Yeah, the good old “communication is key” — but it’s true. How could you expect your partner to understand (and know) what you want if they have no idea about your core needs? Your non-negotiables? Your values that you want to share and pass on? Your beliefs about life, love, and everything in between?

Communication is one of the fundamentals of any relationship. It is okay if it is messy sometimes, and if you struggle to find the “right” words. But, the truth is, once everything is out there, it will be easier to repair and deal with those differences. And who knows? You might realize that your partner is not as different as you’d thought!

Plus, an advantage of being in a partnership with a non-HSP is that they can help us get out of our comfort zone. HSPs tend to be more introverted or anxious about uncertainty, and having a partner that pushes you to do your best and challenge your fears is a gift. It might not always be easy, but it is certainly a good way to learn new things about life, your partnership, and more importantly, about yourself.

Overall, when you have a non-HSP partner, they can help you balance things out — balance your complex and anxious nature; balance your introverted nature; and balance your overthinking nature.

2. Practice active listening — on both sides of the relationship.

You have a lot to learn from your non-HSP partner. They are humans, too. And maybe they don’t feel everything as deeply as you do, but it does not mean that they don’t feel anything at all!

Maybe some things are more meaningful to them than others, and it is totally okay. Listening to their views on things can teach you more about them, as well as about yourself, and can even help you to view things from a different angle.

And, of course, they also have a lot to learn from you — your open heart, your eyes that see beauty everywhere, your gentle touch… All of those beautiful qualities, and this amazing gift of sensitivity that you have been given, can help them see life in many colors and textures.

3. Take time for yourself — you do not have to be with your partner 24/7.

Nobody was ever meant to make you feel whole. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s true. And if it is important that your partner adds happiness to your life, they are not meant to understand everything that you are, to validate and reassure you all the time.

You — and you alone — are the best one to know what you need. Taking time to take care of yourself — and get grounded in what you need — will help you understand that you are whole on your own.

You may want, and need, alone time… but your partner may want to go to a get-together with friends. That’s fine. You can do things together, but also apart. In fact, research shows it’s healthy.

4. Remember why you chose your partner.

So, yeah, your significant other may annoy you sometimes. You’re too different. It’s challenging. You struggle to understand how they view the world.

But if you are still together — happy, healthy, and not in a toxic relationship, the thing is, your partner might bring more to your life than you give them credit for. Is it their values that match yours? The way they always try to understand your perspective and support you, no matter what? Is it their unique humor and how they always manage to make you smile?

As you are unique and special, your partner is, too. And remembering this can help you realize that despite some differences and issues, in the grand scheme of things, their presence is most important.

Keeping a journal of your memories, the things that you appreciate about them, or the different moments you’ve shared together can help you bring more gratitude into your relationship. You don’t necessarily have to share this with them, but it can help remind you why you’re together.

As an HSP, it is easier to get carried away by life, living on a roller coaster of emotions and sensations. Having a partner that is more down-to-earth and rational can help ground us and bring us back to reality. Sometimes (okay, a lot of the time!), things can get to be a bit too much and emotionally overwhelming. But having a more practical perspective on things — via your partner — can be really beneficial.

5. Spend time together doing things you both love.

Maybe your significant other is an extrovert and you love your time alone. But you both enjoy hiking and being in nature, so why not do it together?

And, sure, it is important for each of you to have your own hobbies, but going the extra mile to learn about your significant other — and trying to do what they like sometimes — can be very beneficial for your relationship. And who knows? Maybe you’ll discover a new passion!

6. Get ready to get real and have deep conversations.

The truth is, relationships take work and courage. You might have to compromise sometimes, and maybe you sometimes wish your partner would be more like you.

But learning about different ways that you both feel love, for example, exploring your different love languages, can help to strengthen your relationship.

Evaluating your own expectations of a relationship — and being ready to not feel understood 100 percent of the time (which is impossible!) — is also a good way to understand your beliefs and why you have them.

As an HSP, I tend to prefer deep and meaningful conversations, but it can easily get overwhelming to take on the weight of the world upon my shoulders. Having a boyfriend who is less sensitive to every small detail brings me back to what is the most important — the present moment. He helps me realize that it is okay to not have to feel and think about everything, and that I can be funny and silly, too.

So, despite appreciating our long conversations about life, not taking everything so seriously is sometimes just what I need.

7. Realize that there is no “right” way to feel your feelings.

Everyone is different. Everyone has their own background, life story, and education that influence their perspectives on things. So, if all that you ever knew is being an HSP, it might be hard to understand how people can function in another way from you.

But, just because your partner may not be as empathetic as you are does not mean that they are “bad” people. Or not at all sensitive. You two are just different. You feel things one way, and they do another. No one way is “right” or “wrong.” (Remember the “opposites attract” point?)

8. Build up your social resources.

Your partner cannot be your own world. Psychotherapist Esther Perel has talked about how our ancestors lived in a community, and their different needs were met by different community members.

Today, and especially in Western societies, we expect our partner to be the whole community — to be our parents, and best friends, and teachers, and mentors, and idols, and on and on…

But they can’t be. And you can’t be that for your partner either. And it’s perfectly healthy and normal.

Having other people around you — especially other HSPs who can easily understand your need for deeper conversation, for calm and stillness, for philosophical questions about life — can be a real asset for you and your partner. Building up a support system of family members, supportive friends, and as many people that you want and make you feel good, can help you not expect (and depend so much on) your partner.

9. Most important of all, keep true to yourself.

The most important thing is to find a partner with whom you can be yourself — no judgment, no manipulation, no abuse.

That said, I’d like to give you a few reminders regarding an HSP/non-HSP relationship:

My content does not apply to abusive and toxic relationships. Please, if you think that you are being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused, seek help immediately!
My vision of a partnership with a non-HSP is based on the belief that we are not seeking a “perfect” partner who knows everything about us — they don’t read our mind. I believe long-lasting love is built, and takes time and effort, and having a partner who shares your vision of a partnership is key.
Keep spending time with yourself to learn who you are and what you need. You can do that with or without a partner. You are unique and whole on your own.

You deserve to be loved and respected and cherished for who you really are. Remember: You got this!

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