Although about 20 percent of the population is made up of highly sensitive people (HSPs), society still doesn’t tend to view sensitivity as a strength — even though there are so many hidden gifts that come with being an HSP. From the way they feel things more deeply to their intuitive thinking to their empathy for others, there are many pluses of being highly sensitive. 

Yet in a world where teaching boys to be “tough” and emotionally self-controlled is the norm, it can be hard to know how to effectively raise a sensitive boy. It requires a different parenting approach and the courage to challenge social norms placed on males.  

Luckily, however, there are several ways to raise a sensitive boy; instead of feeling weak, less- than, or ashamed of their feelings, they can grow up feeling strengthened and empowered by them. As the mother of two highly sensitive boys, here are some strategies I use.  

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

13 Tips for Raising a Sensitive Boy 

1. Accept them for who they are, no matter what.

Sensitivity can be a wonderful blessing when a child is raised in the right environment; however in an unsupportive family, a child’s sensitivity can become a source of stress and low self-confidence for them. 

Parents, especially fathers, need to take the time to understand and embrace their sensitive boys. For example, if their son cries when he gets hurt or while watching a movie, it’s important not to react negatively or make them feel bad about it. Mindset can be difficult to change, but acceptance and supportive parenting approaches are essential to your sensitive son’s happiness and self-esteem.  

2. Redefine masculinity: tell them that there is nothing wrong with showing emotion and being compassionate.

Have a discussion with your son about the meaning of masculinity and how it can take on many forms.  

Sensitive boys are up against years of societal conditioning that males are “supposed to” be tough, strong, athletic, and unemotional. They are sadly pushed toward fitting into this “masculine box” that harms their self-confidence and perception of self-worth.

Even though we, as a society, are slowly starting to shift this perspective, it is still very prevalent in the media, in schools, and on playgrounds everywhere. This makes it very easy for boys (and, sadly, sometimes parents) to begin internalizing that there is something “wrong” with them if they don’t fit this definition of masculinity.

Discuss the importance of sensitive men in the world, and that courage and strength come in many different forms. Showing emotion, being compassionate, and resisting the pressure to conform are important characteristics of men and are vital to our society and the world.    

3. Surround him with trustworthy male role models who are also sensitive. 

A supportive older male role model can do wonders to boost your son’s self-esteem. This is especially important if a son’s father has a different temperament than his own.

Seek out trustworthy male family members, a neighbor, coach, or teacher that have similar, or at least supportive and compatible, sensitive traits and temperaments. 

Share with him different leaders and celebrities who have made an impact on the world by embracing their sensitivity and being themselves. Some influential males considered to be highly sensitive include Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Spencer Tracy.

4. Avoid harsh discipline, such as criticizing, shaming, or screaming at your sensitive son.

Sons sometimes receive harsher punishments from parents than daughters do, as a result of that “tough” mindset, but sensitive children need a gentler approach. Avoid screaming at, shaming, and criticizing your sensitive son, because they will internalize this deeply. 

Children, especially sensitive ones, want and need limits, but gentle discipline will be much more effective with your highly sensitive child, such as getting down on their level and being firm without yelling. Be conscious of your tone and the volume of your voice.

Sensitive kids are usually rule followers who feel bad after doing something wrong, so make sure you take the time to reassure them of how much they are loved after disciplining them.  

5. Understand his limits and triggers, like loud birthday parties and crowded locations.

Highly sensitive children are easily overwhelmed by sensory stimuli in their environment, like loud noise, crowds, and visual stimulation. Birthday parties and special events, busy school days, and loud, crowded locations can be very challenging. 

Learning how to prepare your son for these situations is key. Provide him with adaptations, such as sunglasses for bright lights and noise-cancelling headphones for loud environments. If possible, offer a place for him to retreat to when he needs a break (like an HSP sanctuary) and be mindful of when he has had enough. 

6. Maintain a consistent routine with downtime built in, too.

As much as possible, you want to maintain a consistent routine when raising your son.  Sensitive children thrive on predictability and knowing what to expect. This helps them feel more in control in a world that often feels chaotic to them.

Changes and surprises that interrupt their routine can be very difficult for them. When possible, give him plenty of warning before any changes will be taking place.

Due to the fact that your sensitive boy feels and processes things more deeply, downtime is extremely important, too, such as on weekends and after school. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

7. Validate his feelings: what he is feeling is real to him (even if it’s not evident to you).

No matter how ridiculous or embarrassing you believe your son’s feelings to be in any given situation, it is very important to validate his feelings. What he is feeling is real to him. He needs to feel understood and comfortable expressing his emotions.

Boys are taught (consciously and subconsciously) from an early age to repress emotions of sadness, fear, and worry because they are seen as feminine. So avoid saying hurtful comments like, “Why are you being so sensitive?” or “That is such a silly thing to be upset about.”   

A positive response that validates feelings could be, “I see that you are really upset about (fill in the blank). I understand how it can make you feel (fill in the blank). What could we do next time to make the situation better?”

8. Teach him how to identify and accept his emotions, like crying.  

Unfortunately, in today’s society, expressing emotion is a much more acceptable behavior for a female than a male of any age. While very young, sensitive boys may cry or be scared more easily than others without thinking much of it. And, as they get older and more self-aware, they may tend to repress their feelings in order to fit in.  

Holding in their emotions can be very destructive, and often leads to anger/hostility, which, ironically, is the only emotion in the “boy code” that is OK to express. If anger goes unaddressed for too long, however, it can lead to more serious challenges in adulthood. It is important to prevent this by helping sensitive boys learn how to identify and express their feelings effectively.  

9. Help him make friends and navigate social situations. Hint: He’ll probably prefer one-on-one interactions versus group ones.

Sensitive boys make amazing friends; they are typically very respectful and caring toward their peers. Once they make a connection with another child, they usually develop a deep friendship with them. However, making these initial connections can be very difficult for them.

If your son is having trouble making friends, it is important to reevaluate the opportunities that they are being given to help them develop friendships. They often enjoy more quiet, predictable, one-on-one interaction (like playing a game) over joining in with a group of children (like a group sport). So try setting up or facilitating one-on-one playdates or research an activity that would connect them with like-minded peers.

10. Have a discussion about bullying and how to handle it. 

Sensitive or not, it is vital to discuss the different forms bullying can take with your son and how to best handle it.   

Sensitive boys tend to interact and react differently than their peers, which can make them more vulnerable to bullying. Boys need to know that it is not shameful to refuse to fight — whether that means physically or by raising their voice. It does not mean they are any less masculine.

Bullying can also be done very discreetly, so it’s key that your son is able to recognize bullying and report it when it is happening. Verbal abuse — via name-calling, shaming, or teasing — as well as cyberbullying, can be done over long periods of time, with teachers and parents being none the wiser. This abuse can be psychologically damaging if the child does not get help.

Unfortunately, boys are often taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness, so sensitive boys in particular might feel embarrassed or ashamed to seek it. Teach your sensitive son appropriate ways to respond by role-playing with him and communicating frequently that there is never shame in asking for help. Show him how to set those personal boundaries with others — by rehearsing clear and firm statements he can use  — and keep an open conversation going.

Also provide him with opportunities to build his self-esteem, so that he can be confident in himself and grow to realize that he doesn’t need approval of aggressive males or bullies. 

11. Help him explore his interests, such as art classes or music lessons.

Fathers often want their sons to follow in their athletic footsteps and there is a lot of societal pressure for boys to be athletic. Participating in sports can provide wonderful experiences, but they can also be very challenging for a sensitive child.  

Each sensitive boy is different, but many struggle with aggressive sports. Group sports, like football or soccer, that require a lot of aggression or fast movement and a lot of stimuli can be very unpleasant for them. Instead, they may enjoy a more predictable or individual sport, like martial arts, running, or golf.  

If your son is not interested in sports, take the time to figure out what activities he would be interested in. Many HSPs are drawn to creative activities, and your son may be, too. Check out your school, local libraries, and community centers for similar interest groups, including Lego clubs, Cub Scouts, art classes, and music lessons. Getting him involved in a group of like-minded peers will help him build friendships, confidence, and self-esteem.  

12. Celebrate his sensitivity and teach him that it is a blessing, not a curse.

It is easy to get caught up in the challenges and frustrations that come with parenting a sensitive boy; however with a shift in mindset, you can begin to appreciate what an asset sensitivity can be.

It is important for boys to see their sensitivity in a positive light. Teach your son that high sensitivity is a blessing, not a burden. Sensitive children are intellectual, creative, attentive, and thoughtful people with the potential to be great friends, creatives, and leaders.

13. Be their advocate and educate others, especially if they do not understand what being an HSP means.

Since only about 20 percent of the population are considered highly sensitive and even less truly understand it, a highly sensitive boy will often be misunderstood.

Advocating for your son by reaching out to his teacher or coach may take you way out of your comfort zone, especially if you are a highly sensitive parent, but it is essential to his happiness and well-being.

You might like:

• Sensitive Boys Can Be a Favorite Target of Bullies. Here’s How to Prevent It.
• 8 Things My Highly Sensitive Son Taught Me About Myself
• 9 Mistakes Parents Make With Highly Sensitive Boys — and What to Do Instead

The post 13 Tips for Raising a Sensitive Boy appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

For many children, a birthday party is a highly anticipated event — there are balloons, cupcakes, music, and entertainment every which way you look. What’s not to love?  

But if your child is more sensitive to their environment, they might get overstimulated and overwhelmed easily — which means birthday parties can be very distressing. They might be having fun until they suddenly hit a wall, get cranky, beg to leave, or even have a full-blown meltdown.

Sound familiar?

If so, don’t worry — sensitivity is a normal, healthy trait, and one that can be an advantage in many situations. It’s also misunderstood. That means that taking time to learn about (and embrace) your child’s sensitivity is the first step in helping them learn to handle stimulating environments. It will also make a massive difference in their wellbeing, not only as a child but when they grow up.

The Science Behind Highly Sensitive Children

Everyone is sensitive to a degree, but some people are more sensitive than others. Roughly 30 percent of people are born more sensitive than average, both physically and emotionally. (About 40 percent of people are average in sensitivity, and 20 percent are low in sensitivity.) Researchers refer to this trait as environmental sensitivity or Sensory Processing Sensitivity. All three levels of environmental sensitivity are considered healthy and normal.

Children and adults who fall near the high end of the sensitivity continuum are called highly sensitive people, or HSPs. They will often be deeply attuned to their physical environment and to the emotions of others. They will often notice subtle details or make connections between ideas that other people miss. They may be bothered by textures, noises, and other things in the environment that other kids seem to shrug off. Often, sensitive children are highly creative and empathetic, and many are deep thinkers. Some researchers believe high sensitivity is linked to giftedness.

If your child is a highly sensitive person, they were likely born that way and developed it further in early childhood. They will remain sensitive for life — although as they develop, they can learn how to better manage overstimulation, regulate their strong emotions, and use their powerful sensitive mind to their advantage.

The best way to teach them that is to accept and validate their sensitivity, and help understand why they experience things like birthday parties so differently.

Why Birthday Parties Are Difficult for Highly Sensitive Children

With sensitive kids, the rule of thumb is: a little quieter, a little gentler, and a little more time to get used to something new.

Most kids’ birthday parties are the opposite of that. In fact, the same things that make a birthday fun for most kids are often the biggest challenges for a highly sensitive child. Whether it is your own child’s birthday or someone else’s, here are the most common stressors for sensitive children at birthday parties:

1. Birthday parties are unpredictable and full of surprises.

Highly sensitive children find comfort in routines — they like knowing what to expect and feeling in control. Yet a birthday party is anything but predictable. They are typically full of “fun” surprises and activities. 

As more and more parents abandon the simple home party for the convenience of a “planned-just-for-you” birthday party at a children’s play place, kids are required to acclimate to a new environment of unfamiliar sounds, sights, and people before they even take off their coat.  This can be quite difficult for the HSC, who needs time to observe and warm up to their environment.

2. Birthday parties are overstimulating.

When you think of a child’s birthday party, what comes to mind? Loud music? Excited kids yelling, bouncing, and running around in all directions? An explosion of decorations and balloons everywhere you look? Everyone singing “Happy Birthday” in a crowded room? Party entertainers leading kids through games and activities?

“Simple” is not a word that describes children’s birthday parties these days. As over-the-top birthday parties become the new norm, it is easier than ever for a highly sensitive child to feel overwhelmed and anxious in a birthday party environment.

3. Parties require a lot of social interaction.

Birthdays involve a lot of social pressure, especially if your child is the guest of honor. Children are expected to greet other children and adults, say “Happy Birthday” to the host, dish out “thank you”s, and happily go off and play with other kids.   

Communicating and interacting with other guests can feel very uncomfortable and difficult for a highly sensitive child. They may have trouble saying, ‘Happy Birthday” or interacting with friends, due to being in an unfamiliar, stimulating environment. HSCs typically are much more comfortable interacting one-on-one. Attempting to join in with a group of peers they may or may not know can be extremely challenging for them.   

4. There’s pressure to be “on” and perform.

Activities and organized games can help provide structure at a birthday celebration, but they also coincide with a pressure to perform. HSCs are often reluctant to participate in party games, due to the fact that they place a lot of attention on the player’s abilities and there is high risk for failure — think Musical Chairs, relay races, breaking open a piñata, Freeze Dance, and doing the limbo.  

Imagine feeling completely overwhelmed and then being pushed to play and navigate the rules of unfamiliar games. It’s no wonder why highly sensitive kids shut down, get angry, and/or have meltdowns at birthday parties!

5. Birthday parties put your child in the spotlight.

Most highly sensitive children do not enjoy being the center of attention. There is always the potential for a child to become the focus of attention as a party guest, but it is unavoidable as the birthday boy or girl: Kids wish to play and sit near the birthday child, adults want to ask them questions, and everyone attempts to get a picture with them.

Having to open presents in front of everyone or enduring the song “Happy Birthday” can feel like torture to a child, too, who wants nothing more than to blend in with the crowd. If your HSC cries when people sing to them on their birthday or refuses to blow out the candles, you are not alone. Coupled with all the sensory overwhelm, it can be all too much for a highly sensitive child.

So what can you do to avoid the above when it comes to your highly sensitive child’s birthday? Here are some tried-and-true tips.

How to Prevent Overstimulation at Your Child’s Birthday Party

For highly sensitive children, resilience doesn’t come from being “toughened up.” It comes from being accepted and coached. As the parent of a highly sensitive child, it’s your job to teach them to sense when they’re hitting their limit. When they do, you want them to know they have the power to speak up and take a break or step back from the stimulation. Remember: they are experiencing the whole world at a higher volume than 70 percent of people.

Here are specific strategies we recommend to help your sensitive child do well at birthday parties and other overwhelming events.

1. If it’s your child’s birthday, ask how they would like to celebrate.

Does your highly sensitive child really want a birthday party with their entire class? Maybe they’d prefer to have a small celebration with one or two friends — or perhaps no party at all. This is

your child’s day, not yours or anyone else’s, so it’s best to figure out what they would like to do

to celebrate. What will bring them joy?

If they are too young to communicate what they would enjoy, consider their personality and go from there. Are they comfortable around family members and people they don’t know well, or do they shy away from them?

2. If it’s someone else’s birthday party, talk to your child before you arrive.

The evening before, explain to your child that the party will be fun, but it’s okay if they get tired. A good script to use is, “It will probably be noisy, and there’s going to be a lot of kids there. It’s okay if you want to hang back and watch at first. If there are any activities you don’t want to do, you don’t have to do them. And if you need a break, just let me know. We can go somewhere quiet.”

Talk them through this again on the day of the party, and remind them when you’re on the way there. Then, make good on your promise. Sensitive kids often prefer to observe or hang back before they dive into a busy, chaotic event. Let them do that and back them up if needed: “Oh, he likes to watch the first game before he plays. You all get started.”

If your child says they need a break, have them sit with you (even if it’s with the adults) or offer them somewhere quieter than where the main party is. A different room is often fine. Remind them they can go back to playing whenever they want to, but don’t push them to do so.

Be prepared for the possibility that your child may ask to leave. The right answer will depend on the situation and the child — you know them best. But, it helps to set expectations around this before you go. If it’s easy for you to leave anytime, then tell them in advance that that’s an option. On the other hand, if you plan to be having fun with the other parents while your child plays, talk to them about the options they do have. For example, “When we go tomorrow, we aren’t going to leave until the party is over. But, you can always come sit with me if you need a break.”

3. Have the celebration in a familiar location — your home, or somewhere your child knows well.

If your child decides they would like to celebrate their birthday, make sure the location is somewhere they’ve been before and that they enjoy. If at all possible, have the party at your home. A celebration at home gives you the ability to control the environment and eliminate unnecessary sensory stimulation, like music and bright lights. It is also the place your child likely feels most comfortable.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

4. Be thoughtful in choosing birthday activities.

At a friend’s party, what is the plan for the day? Talk to your child about the games or activities you know are planned. The more they know ahead of the time, the less overstimulating any of it will be.

If it’s your child’s own party, how will you be entertaining guests? A great thing to do is to include your HSC in the planning of the birthday activities — get their input on what they would (and would not) enjoy. You may want to steer clear from games/activities that involve competition or those that put all the attention on your child.

That also means it’s a good idea to discuss singing. Let your child know that people will be singing “Happy Birthday” to them. That puts a lot of attention on them, which can be challenging for highly sensitive kids (even adults, sensitive or otherwise, are often embarrassed when everyone sings the song). It’s okay to tell your child that it’s a fun tradition and that they’ll end up liking it — but ask them what they think. Are they excited about it, or nervous?

It’s okay the skip the singing altogether at your kid’s own birthday; serving cupcakes instead of a cake is an easy way to do this. Or, come up with an alternative that they are comfortable with. 

5. If possible, designate a quiet setting for the party or have some “secret spots” set up where your HSC can regroup.

It is quite possible that your HSC will need a few moments of quiet time to regroup

during their celebration. Talk to them ahead of time and discuss options. Maybe you can even create some type of special HSP sanctuary (decorated, of course) where they can go to get some alone time if need be.

6. Keep it short — and set an end time.

Consider your child’s limits. How long does your child usually enjoy a party or social activity before wanting to leave? Be sure to specify the length of the party on the invitation and stick to it! (It’s all about setting boundaries, and both you and your child will benefit!)

7. Give them downtime after the party.

A birthday party requires a lot from a sensitive child, both physically and emotionally. Allowthem to decompress with some quiet time and keep the rest of the day low-key. (Even though you may usually not give them too much screen time, for instance, this can be an exception.)

If your child or a child you know struggles with birthday parties, check out my debut children’s book for highly sensitive kids, I Don’t Like Birthday Parties.

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• What I’ve Learned as an HSP Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child
• 18 Things That Fill Highly Sensitive People With Joy

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Does Your Child Get Overstimulated at Birthday Parties? Here’s What to Do appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I want you to know that I see you and that you are not alone. When your child is sitting on the sidelines or melting down after school, I know how you feel. When no one seems to understand what you go through on a daily basis, know that I do because I have experienced it myself. I am experiencing it right along with you every day. Raising a highly sensitive child is an emotional roller coaster full of ups and downs, and I am strapped in the front seat of this ride with you!

Dear Mom, I See What You’re Going Through

It’s hard to raise a sensitive child in a tough world.   

People have trouble understanding your child and their behavior. You may be on the receiving end of misunderstandings and hurtful comments like, “They’ll grow out of it” or “They need to be better disciplined.” You struggle to defend your child from people who want to label them as difficult, defiant, spoiled, shy, or weak. Your highly sensitive child might not fit society’s idea of “strong,” but you know the amazing things they are capable of.

Your guilt and doubt are normal.

There will be days when you lose patience and days when you feel like a horrible mom. Are you doing what is best for them? Are you the best person for this job? Will they be okay? Will they have a friend to eat lunch with and play with at school? The fact that you are asking these questions proves that you’re an awesome parent. Your child is so lucky to call you mom.

You feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time, unsure of what will cause the next emotional outburst.

Will the bathroom have a noisy dryer? Will it be too crowded and chaotic at the birthday party? Will they have a meltdown after school? When frustrations and anger emerge, you are the person they let it out on. You are on the receiving end because your highly sensitive child feels safest with you. They feel your unconditional love. They know you will not judge them like the rest of the world.  

I feel your pain when it comes to clothing!

I know the frustration you go through when trying to help your child with seams in socks in the morning and clothes that are too tight, too itchy, or just feel wrong. It can be so hard to comprehend, yet you try your best to help them with a struggle that is so real for them.

The food aversions at meals, I know them, too.  

You worry that your highly sensitive child isn’t getting enough nutrition. You worry about what in the world you will feed them for the next meal. You dream about what it’s like to have dinner without your child complaining about a specific texture, taste, smell, or appearance. Will they gag on their food again? Will they ever eat anything but crunchy, soft, hard, brown, yellow, circle, square, or pureed food?!

I understand the intense emotions that you experience on a daily basis.

Your patience runs short as you fight off exhaustion from bedtime struggles and middle of the night wake ups. You assure them that everything is okay, but they need your presence to truly feel safe.  

I understand the heartbreak you feel when your child is scared to separate from you. Only you seem to know how brave they are for going through their day when everything is too much for them.

Like what you’re reading? Get more by subscribing to our newsletter. One email, every Friday. Sign up here.

I know your sadness when your child struggles to join in with their peers while other children run around carefree.

The jealousy that creeps up when you see other moms socializing at the park, the pool, or their child’s sports games, I know that too. Why can their child play happily while your child clings to you in fear? It’s a loneliness that other moms can’t comprehend.

I see your determination to be their advocate when it comes to figuring out ways to help your child thrive in a world that overwhelms their sensitive soul. You tirelessly work to figure out ways to educate school staff and teachers about high sensitivity. You do all you can to help them understand your child. I know the comfort you feel when people get it and the anger when it falls on deaf ears.

I see you struggling with your child’s fear of failure and your efforts to teach them that “perfect” is a myth.

Through the struggles, though, I also see the happiness.  

While the world may see a timid child, a mother sees strength. I feel your happiness when your child finds another kid that they connect with, and you see the amazing friend that they can be.

I see you bursting with pride when they accomplish something that other mothers take for granted, because their child accomplished it with ease.  

When your child can make it through an entire birthday party without getting overwhelmed, I recognize the significance of this victory!  

I understand your excitement when you finally find a brand of clothes or socks that your child will willingly wear.

I know the pure joy you feel exploding from your heart as you see your child finding the courage to try something that you know is hard for them. You see their confidence grow as they succeed. When they are not quite ready, you reassure them that they will get there in time.

With each new year comes new challenges. Some you can help with and some you will find they need to face on their own. They know that your love and support are constants they can depend on in a world that is always changing.

You are their voice when they can’t find the words, their strength when they aren’t brave enough yet, and their rock when they need to let all their emotions out. You see the quiet bravery that is invisible to everyone but you.

You are amazing. You are enough. You are the mom of a highly sensitive child.

Together, we face the challenges of raising a highly sensitive child. Get free access to my Highly Sensitive Child Resource Library for parents and join me in our Facebook group of over 1,000 parents raising sensitive kids.

You might like:

• 8 Reasons Why Gentle Discipline Works Best With the Highly Sensitive Child
• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• What Happens When an HSP Grows Up With Emotional Neglect?

The post Dear Mom of a Highly Sensitive Child, I See You appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.