Brooke Nielsen, LMFT, Author at Sensitive Refuge

How Should You Deal With Emotional Overload?

Brooke Nielsen, LMFT — Fri, 30 May 2025 11:00:09 +0000

Stress, conflict, anxiety, and too many demands. What should you do when emotions and life overwhelm you — without crashing out?

As a therapist who works with highly sensitive people (HSPs) — and a highly sensitive person myself — fellow HSPs often ask me, “How in the world do you do what you do? I could never be a therapist!”

Of course, I know what they’re really asking: “How do you not take on all the emotion of others? How do you empathize so deeply and not get overwhelmed or exhausted?”

I understand their question completely.

Anxiety Used to Run My Life

Twenty years ago, when I learned I was a highly sensitive person, I was just like many HSPs. Being around too many people in noisy environments made me feel overstimulated. My mind spun obsessively with anxious thoughts, and I couldn’t watch the news or certain movies without having my day ruined.

So, when I was in my early 20s and a mentor suggested I be a therapist, I thought, “Me? How in the world am I suited for that? I’m just trying to find some equilibrium in my own life, let alone help someone else.”

I knew I had the predisposition and natural gifts to be a therapist, but my own struggles with anxiety, shame, and big feelings took up much of my energy. Did I really have anything left to give others? At the same time, my self-esteem had taken a hit because of my sensitivity, and I over-focused on my struggles rather than acknowledging my strengths.

The idea of joining a profession where I invited more emotion into my life seemed crazy.

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I Listened to My Intuition Instead of My Anxiety

Beneath the roar of my fear, my intuition whispered something different: This is your calling. You’ll figure it out; just step forward.

Mustering up all my courage, I decided to pursue my degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.

It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. A decade later, I can’t think of a better-fitting job for me. But it wasn’t always easy.

I Needed to See Myself Differently

While my story had a happy ending eventually, I didn’t get there by accident or without effort. In fact, it required a dramatic change in how I viewed myself and my emotions.

To thrive as a highly sensitive person — and therapist — I needed to start by seeing myself differently. Not as a weirdo with too many feelings, but as a valuable soul with a tender heart and depth.

This subtle change in self-perception happened slowly, over time. Little by little, I acknowledged the powerful and unique parts of me, which gave me the confidence to show up as fully myself, rather than as the more socially acceptable version of me I often showed others. Ironically, the more I let my true self be seen, the more I was able to connect with and support others like me.

I began to understand my finely-tuned nervous system and appreciate the gifts it brings. I even began calling myself and other HSPs by a new name: Intuitive Warriors.

But that wasn’t all. The more I began valuing myself and listening to my inner voice, the more I started to understand the specific things I needed to do to survive the “broadcast” of everyone else’s emotions — without running away.

The Power of Self-Care for Highly Sensitive People

As I listened to my inner voice, the changes I needed to make came into focus. Here’s what I learned:

I acknowledged my limit. I had to be honest with myself about how many people I could see in a day without burning out. I learned to make choices about my day based on this limit.
I needed to prioritize exercise, relationships, and hobbies outside of the office. Exercise, human connection, and enjoyment add goodness to our lives, and without meeting these needs, my mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing suffers.
Simple inner practices go a long way. Therapeutic techniques helped me “give back” any emotion that I’d unconsciously absorbed from others. For example, I got in the habit of asking myself, “Is this feeling mine or someone else’s?” — and if it wasn’t mine, I imagined releasing it back to its owner. Likewise, I learned how to use visualization to create boundaries; I particularly like imagining a vacuum cleaner sucking out all the energy I’ve unnecessarily collected throughout the day.
I learned ways to detox after a particularly intense day and set boundaries that made sense for me. One of my favorite ways to detox from the energy of others is to take a bath with Himalayan sea salt. Boundary-setting involves things like not working more than my capacity and making sure I get the rest I need to recharge.
I began to redirect my thoughts when they became obsessive and unhelpful. It’s okay to have feelings, even negative ones, but the way we think about them and narrate our inner experience is a big part of how much those feelings dominate our lives.

What I thought was an unsustainable profession for me turned out to be my dream job — but only because I acknowledged my needs and learned the skills to take care of them. This self-care habit was essential to living my best, happiest life as a highly sensitive person.

All Highly Sensitive People Can Learn Self-Care

I soon understood that what I was learning was applicable to all highly sensitive people. We are at our best when we’re firm about honoring the way that we’re wired — even if it means making adjustments to our lives. These same habits also support us in environments that bring us meaning and joy, and help keep us from burning out of those environments because of exhaustion or overwhelm.

Learning to do that can take time. But If you’d like to learn, here are some of my favorite resources:

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. This seminal book on the topic will give you a good overview of the trait and outline the various ways it affects your relationships, work, and life.
The Highly Sensitive Person Survival Guide by Tedd Zeff. This book gives practical suggestions for ways you can hone your habits to support your nervous system.
Online programs for highly sensitive people. This is a great option if you want to delve deeper than a book and get direct support from experts and fellow HSPs.
Therapy with an HSP-informed therapist. The most personalized resource, therapy can help you get to the heart of the matter with someone who understands the way you’re wired.

It’s true that our sensitive nervous system creates some limitations that we can’t ignore. And leaving the room or doing less is one way to respond to those needs. But it’s not the only way. It’s equally true that many of our challenges can be mediated with the right tools, and we don’t always have to leave an environment in order to get our needs met.

Because we’re not only highly sensitive. We’re also highly resilient beings with a profound potential when we have the right support.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

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How to Overcome Shame and Self-Doubt as a Highly Sensitive Person

Brooke Nielsen, LMFT — Fri, 17 Jan 2025 05:24:03 +0000

Many HSPs end up feeling like something is wrong with them. How do you get rid of that feeling — and overcome your self-doubt for good?

For over a decade, a certain group of people have come into my office for therapy. They’ve sat opposite me and shown me how people judge them, and how it’s affected the way they judge themselves.

I see people constantly second-guessing their decisions, questioning their feelings and reactions. They didn’t start doing this on their own; their upbringing contributed to these patterns of behavior, this way of being.

They doubt their right to ask for what they need in the workplace, at home, and in relationships because they worry they’re “too needy,” “too emotional,” or “irrational.”

I see smart, creative people immobilized by overwhelm.

People who’d rather “play small” than be themselves and be shamed for it, again.

These people feel deeply and often carry the pain of others.

What saddens me most is their deeply-felt sense that something is wrong with them; something shameful, something defective. But these wonderful, sensitive souls are not broken at all. In fact, their sensitivity is perhaps their greatest strength.

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What Makes Highly Sensitive People ‘Different’

I’ve come to understand the commonality that binds this group of people together: They are, as Dr. Elaine Aron identified, highly sensitive people (HSPs). Dr. Aron’s work describes a gene that causes 1 in 5 people to have a more sensitive nervous system than others. By definition, HSPs process everything deeply, experience emotional intensity and strong empathy, are sensitive to subtlety, and can be easily overwhelmed.

I’m a therapist, but my compassion for HSPs transcends professional interest. I understand these finely-tuned people, not only because of my training and experience but also because I, too, am an HSP.

As an HSP, my life was similarly peppered with self-doubt, shame, insecurity, anxiety, overwhelm, and self-criticism. I also grew up misunderstood and came to believe something was wrong with me; something shameful, something defective.

I, too, learned to numb, hide, control, and chastise myself to avoid the pain.

At the height of that painful time, I received a card with the Anaïs Nin quote, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Those words reflected my truth at the time: It was no longer an option to stay stuck in my pain. It was time to begin the journey back to wholeness.

Over the next 15 years, I worked hard to understand myself and overcome my blocks to self-love. Eventually, I went on to become a therapist who supports highly sensitive people.

And I learned that other HSPs, too, have the power to overcome self-doubt.

5 Steps to Overcome Shame and Self-Doubt as an HSP

I love passing on the supports that helped me heal in hopes of saving others from unnecessary pain. I don’t pretend that these steps will work the same for every person, but if you’re an HSP, I believe they will help. Here are some of the tools I found helpful along the way that freed me from shame and self-doubt:

1. Understand what shame is and where yours came from.

Shame is a feeling stemming from the belief that something is wrong with us that makes us unworthy of love and belonging. For HSPs, that shame often comes from feeling different, weird, or broken.

Start by asking yourself where your shame came from (because you weren’t born with it!). Did parents, teachers, or peers communicate that your feelings were “too much” or silly? Were there consequences (physical, social, emotional) when your reactions differed from others?

2. Learn about high sensitivity as a trait.

One of the best ways to reduce shame is to learn more about your sensitivity. If you haven’t already, read Elaine Aron’s book on sensitivity. Understand that high sensitivity is a trait and not a defect or disorder — you are normal. In fact, you are amazing. Seeing this immediately starts to remove the stigma of being an HSP.

3. Identify and challenge critical self-thoughts.

Are you aware of the things you say to and about yourself?

Write down what specifically goes through your head when you feel ashamed or insecure. It might be things like, “What’s wrong with you? You’re too sensitive. You need to have thicker skin.” Or it might be almost anything you think when you’re having those feelings. Just take the time to hear and recognize it.

Then, practice challenging those thoughts with truth and affirmation. Some examples are, “This is the way I’m wired. My tender heart is a gift; the world needs more empathic people like me. I love and accept myself exactly as I am.” Repeat these affirmations as often as possible.

4. Teach your loved ones about high sensitivity.

Do the important people in your life appreciate that you’re wired in a way that makes you respond to the world differently? If they don’t know about high sensitivity, they may have come to some (inaccurate) conclusions about you. Send them articles or talk to them about sensitivity. If they’re important to you, then it’s important that they understand your trait.

5. Heal old wounds.

When you spend your life being treated like you’re fragile/silly/too sensitive, it impacts the formation of your identity. If you don’t address this reality, it can fester and flower into relationship problems, addictive behavior, anxiety, or depression. If you’ve gone through challenging or traumatic life experiences on top of that, you may find yourself in a very dark place. Luckily, there are many places to find support:

Talk to someone you trust about your struggles
Seek online support
Invest in an HSP knowledgeable therapist

We all must find our own path to healing, and what works for one person might not work for you. The important thing is that you do something. You’ll never regret becoming more informed, self-reflective, and supported.

By doing the above, my life became infinitely more fulfilling. It also allowed me to support other highly sensitive people in the process. (Check out my Worrier-to-Warrior course for HSPs!)

Remember: You matter, and the world needs your finely-tuned spirit. And if you’re going to judge yourself, it’s okay to do it positively.

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7 Common Struggles of Empaths and HSPs — and How to Turn Them Into Strengths

Brooke Nielsen, LMFT — Fri, 09 Aug 2024 09:11:53 +0000

If you’re a sensitive empath, just being around other people can turn your day into a roll coaster. Here’s how to handle it — and your other biggest struggles.

A few years after I heard about highly sensitive people (HSPs), I heard the term “empath” — and I immediately related to the description of people who can tune into others’ emotions and often feel them as if they’re their own.

In fact, this ability to feel others’ emotions was one of the hardest parts for me about being an HSP, and even years into being a therapist, I didn’t know what to do about it. No matter how hard I tried not to, I seemed to soak up others’ feelings. Sometimes I would leave a situation feeling heavy or angry or depressed with no idea why.

I felt like I had no control over my life: Simply being exposed to someone in a bad mood could throw me off for hours. I alternated between being a human sponge and withdrawing from human interaction to get some peace (which was really lonely).

For this reason, understanding the empath’s plight has become so important to me over the past several years. I’ve learned the important differences between the two, some common challenges empaths face, and things we can do to cultivate healthy ways of living as an empath.

Are HSPs and Empaths the Same Thing?

In my opinion, while most empaths are highly sensitive people, not all HSPs are empaths.

First off, being an HSP is connected to a genetic trait: “environmental sensitivity” or sensory processing sensitivity. This basically means your brain processes information more deeply, for longer, than the typical brain — making you far more aware of subtle things, like emotional cues.

The term empath, however, isn’t connected to a scientifically proven trait (though it may have a genetic/temperamental component).

And while high empathy is considered a core quality of being an HSP, it’s different from that of an empath. Whereas the empathy of an HSP looks like being able to easily put yourself in others’ shoes, an empath is able to literally feel others’ emotions as if they are our own. (If you’re an empathic HSP, you have this ability, too.)

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What Makes Someone an Empath?

Whereas we’re born with our HSP qualities, the qualities of an empath are sometimes developed due to growing up in an environment where it helped to be able to tune into others’ moods and intentions.

In other words, life can train sensitive people to become empaths. Let me give you an example.

I was born a sensitive soul with a tender heart. I have no doubt that I would have picked up on subtleties, including others’ emotions, no matter what type of home I grew up in.

However, I was raised in an environment where it served me to be overly attuned to others’ moods. If I didn’t take note of my parents’ body language and mood, I could be completely caught off guard when my dad raged or my mom became depressed. Having even 10 seconds of advanced warning gave me a small sense of control over my home life.

Because most of us don’t have the power to remove ourselves from a dysfunctional home as kids, often the best we can hope for is to be able to anticipate scary or upsetting things and get ourselves out of the way.

While some empaths may have grown up with abuse, that isn’t the case for everyone. We can develop this quality in other settings as well. Perhaps:

You had a sensitive parent with a lot of anxiety or who got overwhelmed easily
You had a family member who struggled with substance use, workaholism, an eating disorder, or some other struggle
Your family didn’t have good boundaries and everyone took responsibility for others’ feelings
Someone in your home struggled with their emotions and/or was unpredictable
You got support and praise for being attuned to others’ emotions
Life was overwhelming for you as an HSP, and being incredibly dialed in to your environment helped you avoid overstimulation

As you can see, there are many reasons that your empath qualities could reflect a need to stay alert to your environment or an attempt to create safety, control, acceptance, or love.

And while this quality may have helped in the past and given you incredible perceptive ability, it could also be wreaking havoc on your life. All that said, through my 15 years of working with empaths as a therapist, here are some of the most common struggles I see empaths — myself and others — face:

7 Common Empath Struggles

1. Soaking up the moods of others.

Just being around someone in a bad mood (in person or online) can be enough to absorb their mood as our own. By the end of the day, we may be covered in emotional “junk” that doesn’t belong to us. To add insult to injury, many empaths don’t even realize these feelings don’t belong to them.

2. Shape-shifting to be what you think others need you to be.

Empaths sometimes change how they present themselves depending on who they’re around. For example, we may show up as accommodating and sweet with one person and more opinionated and “tough” with another. As a result, others don’t get to know the “real” us, and we may even be confused about who we are.

3. Confusion about where you end and others begin.

Some empaths become confused about what belongs to who in their relationships with others. This could sound like, “Am I feeling upset — or are they? Whose emotion is this?” As a result, it’s incredibly hard to set boundaries and very easy to take responsibility for others’ problems.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System?

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Feeling guilty for setting boundaries.

Similar to the point above, empaths often feel guilty about setting limits. We often worry we’re being “mean” or “making” others feel bad by setting boundaries. This can come from confusion about our role in relationships, which might come from a deep-rooted belief that if we’re a good friend/partner/son/sister, we’ll never disappoint others.

5. Feeling weighed down by the heaviness of the world.

If you unconsciously carry the pain and feelings of others, you’re eventually going to feel really weighed down by it all. Taking on even a fraction of the world’s pain as your own is overwhelming. For empaths, due to our ability to carry the emotions of others, we can literally feel pain even when it isn’t ours: whether it was something we read or saw on the news or a story we heard about from a friend.

6. Struggling to know your needs or how to voice them.

Because empaths tend to focus more so on others, many of us aren’t tuned in enough to what we need. And if we aren’t aware of our needs, we certainly won’t be able to voice them. This can result in resentment, bitterness, and codependency — while also feeling powerless to change the situation.

7. Taking responsibility for things that don’t belong to you.

Do you find yourself apologizing for other people’s feelings or behavior? Not only can empaths struggle to set boundaries, but we can also take responsibility for things that aren’t ours to carry (i.e., someone else’s mistake). As a result, we can become overburdened with guilt and eventually feel resentful of those around us.

How to Transform Your Empath Struggles Into Strengths

Now, if you relate to some (or all) of the above, you are so not alone. The majority of HSP empaths I work with tend to struggle in the ways I just named.

I used to relate to every single one of the challenges I mentioned above, and learning to heal and break free from those patterns has been the biggest turning point for me as a highly sensitive person. It is absolutely possible to live as a highly sensitive empath and not feel constantly overwhelmed and worn down by the weight of it all!

That starts by remembering that being an empath is actually a great strength, and each of your struggles is the flip side of one of your gifts. Changing the way you see those traits is the key to transforming them.

If you’d like to start shifting any of these patterns in yourself, my recommendation — and the one that works for many of my clients — is to try out some of my favorite mantras for healthy empaths. I’ve compiled a list for you below.

These Mantras Help Empaths Form Healthy Patterns

My recommendation is to put a couple of these mantras on a sticky note on your mirror, or make them the background on your phone. As you speak them aloud to yourself, they’ll start sinking in and changing the way you think about yourself and relationships. Pick one or two of your favorites, and try them out for a few days to see how they feel.

“It’s caring to let people hold their own emotions.” We need to feel and process our emotions to develop as human beings, so letting someone carry their own emotions is actually a way you’re supporting their growth.

“I have the right to feel and express my feelings.” Many empaths learned to ignore their own emotions and overly focus on others. We need to remind ourselves that now, as adults, we have the right to come home to ourselves and feel our feelings.

“I can support people without carrying their emotions in my body.” Many of us came to believe that supporting someone emotionally looks like carrying their emotions for them within our own bodies, but in fact, we can support people while having strong boundaries that keep us from soaking up their emotions as our own.

“I’m not responsible for fixing or changing others’ feelings.” Some of us developed the belief that people can’t handle their emotions, or that feelings are things we need to fix. But our only responsibility is to our own emotions. When others are having feelings, we may feel empathy and care for them, but it’s never our job to change or solve their feelings.

“I give others space to work through their own feelings.” Similar to the last mantra, many of us learned that when someone is having emotions, we need to rush in and help. This often results in us becoming over-involved or “enmeshed” in others’ feelings. Try giving the other person space to sit with their own emotions while you witness from a slight distance instead.

“I’m allowed to have limits and voice them.” Many empaths grew up in homes where boundaries were frowned upon or nonexistent, and we may have learned to merge with others to stay safe. Now, as adults, we can set and voice limits that respect our needs and our autonomy.

I’d love to hear which mantras resonate most with you! Or, do you have any of your own mantras that have worked for you as an empath? Let me know in the comments below!

If you’d like more guidance on becoming an empath who’s free from the burden of over-responsibility, watch our free workshop, “How to Break Free from Empathy Overload“.

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These Are the Roles HSPs End Up Playing in Their Families — And How to Change Them

Brooke Nielsen, LMFT — Mon, 29 Jan 2024 12:00:00 +0000

Highly sensitive people often get stuck in specific roles for family members, like peacekeeper, rescuer, or “holder of emotions.” Here’s why it’s unhealthy — and how to change it.

Did you have a role in your family growing up?

In many families, each family member takes on a certain way of operating. Instead of responding authentically to each situation that arises, the role we take on causes us to respond in habitual and narrow ways.

One of my roles in my family was Holder of the Emotions. When one of my parents was upset, I knew it, felt it in my body, and “held” their feelings as though they were my own.

I wasn’t aware that I was doing it, and no one had explicitly said to me, “Brooke, it’s your job to carry the emotional burdens of the family.”

Some combination of my innate empathy and perceptivity — as well as my parent’s poor boundaries and emotional skills — created the perfect storm for me to see a need and fill it. And this was especially true as a highly sensitive person (HSP).

When I was acting from my Holder of Emotions role (which was most of the time):

I had my “feelers” out, scanning the environment for emotional needs
I felt a personal responsibility when someone in my family was upset
I felt others’ emotions so entirely that I often felt confused about who the emotion belonged to
I sometimes lost touch with my own needs and feelings because my focus was so external

Many HSPs fall into the Holder of Emotions role, especially if they grew up with caregivers who weren’t able to provide consistency or emotional security.

You can imagine that this role doesn’t allow us to have healthy energetic boundaries, because we have to drop those boundaries to stay so tuned in to others.

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The Most Common Roles HSPs Play in Their Family

There are other roles that highly sensitive people are particularly susceptible to taking on, too, because of our conscientiousness, sensitivity to others’ emotions, and tendency to dislike conflict.

It’s important to identify — and understand — the roles you may have taken on, as often we continue these patterns into adulthood. And while you can work with a therapist to unlearn them, it’s also good if you recognize them.

Here are some other common roles HSPs take on in stressed-out families:

The Rescuer/Fixer
The Enabler
The Peacekeeper
The Pleaser
The Star Student
The “Easy” One
The Scapegoat

Let’s break down each one. Notice if you see yourself in any of these roles:

The Rescuer/Fixer: They tend to try and rescue others from their pain or circumstances. If someone is upset, their inner dialogue may look like, “How can I fix this?” This person may cross boundaries and take responsibility that isn’t theirs in the name of helping.
The Enabler: This person often has a huge heart and hates seeing those they love in pain. They also struggle to set boundaries and often are afraid of conflict and anger. In the face of someone’s unhealthy behavior, they will usually ignore their own needs and inner voice in order to placate the other.
The Peacekeeper: This person is oriented to keeping harmony and not rocking the boat. They’re often great at being flexible and going with the flow. Often, they ignore (or forget about) their own needs and convince themselves that a circumstance is “fine” in order to avoid their own (or someone else’s) anger or displeasure.
The Pleaser: The person in the pleaser role is especially aware of being in the good graces of others. They often have a deep insecurity in their relationships, and others’ anger or disappointment can feel unsafe or like a total loss of love. To protect against their fears, they orient themselves to others and operate in a way that ensures (if they can help it) that everyone will stay happy with them.
The Star Student: Also known as the Achiever or Golden Child, this person works hard and excels. They often have a proclivity for a sport, school, or other skill, and they gain love and approval through performing well. From the outside, the person in this role seems to have it good. But on the inside, they often feel insecure, believing that if they fall short of the high bar that’s been set, they’ll lose love and belonging.
The “Easy” One: This person often flies under the radar. Similar to the Peacekeeper, The “Easy” One doesn’t need much and rarely complains. Their main desire is to get by without attracting attention. Sometimes this is an attempt to avoid negative attention, or they may feel like others in the family are taking up too much space. So by not having needs, they help maintain peace in the family.
The Scapegoat: This person is often the focus of negative attention, seen as the “problem” or “the needy/difficult one.” Often, the person in the Scapegoat role is quite sensitive and embodies the unfelt emotions of the rest of the family.

What was it like to read those over? Do you see yourself in any of them? This is by no means an exhaustive list, so you may be aware of a role you wear that’s not listed.

Please note that these dynamics with roles are subtle in some families and only happen in stressful situations, while in other families, these patterns become ever-present.

I also want to note that we can take on more than one role, which creates some real complexity. For example, I also identified with the Star Student role, so I felt the need to get all A’s while also juggling everyone else’s energetic and emotional “junk” (as the Holder of Emotions). No wonder I was anxious!

Want to reduce stress and thrive as an empath? We recommend these online courses from psychotherapist and sensitivity expert Julie Bjelland. Click here to learn more.

Why Are These Roles Problematic?

In many places of society (work, sports teams, etc.), roles are incredibly helpful in defining responsibilities and reaching goals. Then why are they problematic in our families and day-to-day lives?

In a nutshell, these types of roles don’t allow us to be fully human.

To be human is to have a whole range of emotions and behavioral responses. For example, there may be days when you feel equipped to be a good listener for a friend (which HSPs excel at), and other days when you need to prioritize quiet time and self-care. But someone in the Fixer role may feel like they have to put their own needs second in order to “fix” or rescue the other (even going past the simple listening that was needed).

As another example, there may be someone in your life who is engaging in harmful behavior or doesn’t feel emotionally safe. Deep down, you know it would be healthiest if you set boundaries or limited your engagement with them. If you’re identified with the Peacekeeper, Pleaser, or Enabler roles, however, you may struggle with taking that step because it doesn’t fit with the expectations of your role.

Other examples of how these roles rob of us our sense that we can be fully human include:

As long as you’re the Star Student, there’s no room to be flawed or drop the ball.
If you’re the “Easy” One, you end up being robbed of the opportunity to have needs and make them known. You may lose touch with your inner voice (an HSP trait) and truth.
Being the Pleaser keeps you from prioritizing your Inner Guidance System, and the needs and opinions of others take precedence over your own.
The Holder of Emotions often loses touch with their own emotional and intuitive experience, so filled as they are with the emotions and energies of others.

But — there’s good news! You can change the role(s) you play in your family. Here’s how.

How to Change the Role You Play in Your Family

As children, we often aren’t aware that we’ve taken on roles because:

It feels normal to us.
We often benefit in some way from the role (approval, a sense of safety, etc.).
We may believe that this role is part of our purpose, or that others need us in this role in order to be okay.

As adults, though, we can start to challenge these assumptions. We can recognize that it’s not normal to live this way, that the ways we benefit aren’t worth the ways we suffer, and that living our purpose always involves our full humanity. (And having a sense of purpose is very important to HSPs!)

If this topic speaks to you and you’d like to delve deeper, here are a few places to start.

Journal. Write about the roles you see/saw yourself in. What was going on in your environment that encouraged or necessitated this role(s)? How did it serve you? How has it taken something from you? Are there any roles you’re ready to adjust or step out of?
Therapy. If you want to go deep into this topic and unravel the ways that you’re still operating as you did when you were young, therapy is the place to get that support.
Read Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. This is an amazing book for understanding, and dismantling, the consequences of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Looking for more? Get my Ultimate Toolkit to Embrace Who You Are and Make Gentle Change. These easy tools will help you stay connected to the healthiest version of you.

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The post These Are the Roles HSPs End Up Playing in Their Families — And How to Change Them appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

How Unhealed Trauma Affects Highly Sensitive People

Brooke Nielsen, LMFT — Wed, 22 Nov 2023 12:00:00 +0000

Sensitive people may be hit harder by traumatic experiences — but are they also better equipped to recover?

Does this sound familiar? You’re going about your day when something catches you off guard. In a flash, your body comes alive with energy, your head is foggy, your thoughts spin, and your emotions feel huge. Shame or fear may overtake you. You want to lash out in anger, hide, or simply run away. Or you might feel frozen in place, like you can’t make decisions or even move.

If we were to look at what provoked this reaction, something probably made you feel unsafe, either physically or emotionally. This is what psychologists call a “trauma trigger.”

Some of My Struggles Were Caused by Trauma

I’m a therapist who works with both highly sensitive people and trauma victims, but it wasn’t until I started my own healing journey using a technique called EMDR that I realized I had experienced trauma myself. That’s when it dawned on me: Some of my emotional reactivity, anxiety, and shame weren’t only connected to being a highly sensitive person (HSP) and having a sensitive nervous system; it also had to do with unhealed trauma. Once I understood that trauma was the culprit behind my hyper-vigilance — such as scanning the environment for danger — I could have more self-compassion and do the work to heal.

Ten years later, I’ve healed to the degree that my anxiety is minimal, and I rarely have overwhelming emotional reactions. I’m still an HSP who processes my emotions and environment deeply, but now I feel safe in the world and in my relationships.

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What Exactly Is Trauma?

When I suggest that a client has experienced trauma, most people say, “I never thought of it that way,” or “It wasn’t that bad — I wouldn’t call it trauma.” And I understand. Most people, when they hear the word “trauma,” think of a war veteran or a sexual assault surviver.

While people who’ve gone through the above scenarios are certainly trauma survivors, the definition of trauma is actually much broader: Trauma is anything that is too intense for your nervous system to process in the moment.

That means trauma can be a toxic boss. Trauma can be a divorce. Trauma can be an unnecessary conflict where someone got loud and angry and nasty. Or trauma can seem to come from something inconsequential, which is actually the straw that broke the camel’s back after a whole series of stressors piled up.

Common Symptoms of Trauma

One of the best ways to know if you’ve gone through trauma is to look at your symptoms. While there are many trauma symptoms, and everyone experiences trauma somewhat differently, here are some of the most common symptoms I see in my clients:

Cognitive symptoms:

Intrusive thoughts of the event
Nightmares
Trouble concentrating
Mood swings

Behavioral symptoms:

Avoidance of activities or places that trigger memories of the event
Social isolation
Lack of interest in pleasurable activities

Physical symptoms:

Easily startled
Fatigue and exhaustion
Insomnia
Changes in eating and sleeping habits
Aches and pains throughout the body

Psychological symptoms:

Shame (a feeling that you are damaged or bad)
Denial that certain events happened
Irritability
Always on the lookout for potential danger
Taking too much responsibility for others
Anger
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Overwhelming fear
Obsessive and compulsive behaviors
Detachment from other people and emotions
Emotional numbing
Depression

Why Trauma Matters

You might say, why do we need to call it trauma? The bad experience is over, so why focus on it? Yet, there are important reasons we must recognize trauma for what it is:

We can’t heal from something that remains undiagnosed. If you broke your arm but are calling it a sprain, you’ll never set the bone. If you know you’ve experienced trauma, you can get treatment specifically designed to heal it.
It helps us understand ourselves. When we can see that our reactions aren’t part of a constellation of symptoms, we start to understand ourselves in a more holistic way, which invites self-compassion, another important component of healing.
That which we keep inside festers. When we realize we’ve gone through something that’s still affecting us, we can start discussing it with safe people (or a therapist). This is the precursor to healing.

Are Highly Sensitive People More Susceptible to Trauma?

In a word, yes. As highly sensitive people, our nervous systems are more finely tuned than those of non-HSPs. This means we respond to all stimuli in a stronger way, including traumatic experiences.

When we have positive experiences, we have the gift of potentially feeling more excitement and joy than non-HSPs. If we’re lucky enough to have a supportive and positive family, community, or work environment, we’ll flourish more than others would. Researchers call this concept “differential susceptibility.”

Conversely, when sensitive people have a negative experience, we may feel more profound fear and hurt than non-HSPs. And if we grew up in an unsupportive environment, we’re more likely to bear the scars from it. So, because of this sensitivity to our environment, we’re more vulnerable to being traumatized by our experiences.

However, the opposite is true, too. Just as sensitive people are hit harder by stress, we also get a bigger boost from support and positive experiences — including the things that help people overcome trauma and heal. HSP expert Andre Sólo, co-author of the bestselling book Sensitive, call this the sensitive “Boost Effect,” and states, “The research is clear that highly sensitive people get more benefit from therapy, mentors, and social support. If you build these things into your life, you won’t just heal, you’ll actually come out with even better outcomes than less-sensitive people.”

Only You Can Say if Something Was Traumatic for You

When we define trauma as anything that is too intense for your nervous system to process in the moment, we can view bullying, being criticized frequently or publicly, or feeling chronically rejected or abandoned by a caregiver as traumatic. Other examples of things that can be experienced as trauma are:

Non-life-threatening injuries
Emotional abuse
The death of a pet
Harassment
The loss of any significant relationship

It’s also important to take into account how long the trauma went on. If something distressing happens over and over (such as a chronic illness, neglect, psychological abuse, or living in a country in or under the threat of war), it often moves into the category of trauma.

It’s important to note that only you can say whether or not something was traumatic for you. Because our experiences interact with genetics, our nervous systems, and previous life experiences, what’s traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another.

I Was Tired of ‘Just Getting By’

At some point, I became tired of feeling “triggered,” overwhelmed, and anxious. My trauma got in the way of fun and spontaneity, and I lived with a sense of impending doom. While discussing trauma in therapy can feel like digging up old wounds, I also knew that burying pain doesn’t work.

Even though I’m a therapist, going to therapy myself took courage, perseverance, and a couple of years to see major changes. Slowly, though, I began to be less reactive. I still experience life intensely (I’m still an HSP), but I now have less “free floating” anxiety. I’m triggered less often, and when I do get triggered, I have learned to take time to breathe and think before reacting.

And now, I specialize in working with sensitive people who’ve experienced trauma. I do this work because I know firsthand that healing is possible when we get the right help. You don’t have to “suck it up” and live with the hard things you’ve been through. Trauma healing means accessing the trauma that your body is holding onto and healing it in a way that doesn’t re-traumatize you.

How You Can Start Healing

Are you ready to start healing from trauma? The first step is a simple but profound one: Recognize that you have trauma. Most importantly, know that it wasn’t your fault, you’re not alone, and there’s help for you.

Then, I recommend the following steps, all of which lean into the Boost Effect that Sólo described above:

Seek out a therapist trained in a trauma modality like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing. You can filter for these techniques on sites like Psychology Today.
Start practicing mindfulness and becoming more aware of your physical experiences. Many trauma survivors are disconnected from their bodies, so starting to notice your body sensations is crucial. Trauma-sensitive or gentle yoga can help you come back into your body and start experiencing it as a safe place again.
Practice self-compassion. Healing from trauma is daunting work, so you must approach it with self-love.
Develop safe relationships. Build relationships with people who respond to you with kindness and accept your sensitive nature.
Learn how to regulate your emotions and reduce anxiety so you can bring yourself back to a place of calm after you are triggered.

This can be a lot to take in when you first learn about it, so take it slow.

Read this article again.

Take a deep breath.

Then take another.

And know that, above all, there’s hope and healing for you.

Try professional mental health coaching for HSPs. Intuitive Warrior offers expert support to help you build more resilience, regulate your emotions and reduce anxiety.

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