Author Paul Kivel has written that boys are put into an “act-like-a-man box,” which means that they must be aggressive, tough, strong, in control, and active. Whenever males step out of the box, they are humiliated.

In their book Raising Cain, authors Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson state that if boys express emotions such as fear, anxiety, or sadness, they’re commonly seen as feminine, and the adults and other children in their lives typically treat them as though these emotions are abnormal for a boy. Conversely, girls who express emotions are fulfilling others’ expectations, which actually helps them be more accepted by other girls.

Males Learn to Repress All Emotions Except Anger

Given our societal norms, it may come as a surprise that newborn boys are actually more emotionally reactive than girls. One study showed that baby boys cry more than baby girls when they’re frustrated; yet by the age of five, most boys suppress all their feelings except anger.

However, even though boys are taught to maintain emotional control, measuring their heart rate or skin conductance (sweaty palms) in emotionally arousing situations demonstrates that there is no difference between boys’ and girls’ responses. Boys have the same human needs as girls. For example, a kindergarten teacher who welcomes her students each day with hugs has a calming effect on the most disruptive boys since all boys have a basic need to be loved, cared for, and respected.

When males act aggressively or are silent, it’s accepted as normal; yet when they express normal levels of fear, anxiety, and sadness (which are considered “feminine” emotions), others treat them as abnormal. The effect on males of having to conform to wearing a tough-guy mask creates suffering on both a personal and societal level and is particularly devastating for the highly sensitive male, who has to try harder than the average man to repress his emotions.

Violent male behavior may stem from the perpetrator’s fear that they aren’t behaving aggressively enough and may be thought of as feminine. However, the behavior that’s associated with girls (actions that demonstrate empathy, sensitivity, compassion, and so on) is also natural male behavior — it is simply not recognized as such in many societies.

Anthropologists have demonstrated that in certain cultures, violent male behavior is nonexistent, such as in the Semoi of Malaysia. Likewise, the Hutterite Brethen, the largest and most successful Christian communal group in the United States, has enjoyed more than 350 years without a murder.

We may infer then that violence isn’t natural for males — but is a learned behavior.

Sensitive Men Suffer in Silence

Many males become uncomfortable in discussions of male sensitivity, since this trait has been interpreted as feminine. In the common duality that strictly separates what is masculine and what is feminine in our culture, being compared too closely with the feminine will likely threaten a man’s constructed sense of manhood.

Many males who are destroying their lives to feel “manly” are not acting like real men; rather, they are performing a distortion of a cultural stereotype. By disowning their sensitive side, many males become half a person. The aggressive, nonemotional male needs to learn to emulate the behavior of the compassionate, emotionally sensitive male to become a fully functioning human being — acknowledging and honoring each of their human qualities instead of segregating most and aggrandizing a few.

One of the most distressing aspects of the rigid boy code is the idea that males should never cry or express fear. The devastating effect of repressing emotions is demonstrated in male depression and suicide rates. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema at Stanford University found that boys aged eight to twelve were significantly more depressed than girls.

Even sensitive males avoid crying. While the research of Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, shows that men and women are equally divided in having the trait of high sensitivity, the only area where sensitive women scored significantly higher than sensitive men was in the statement, “I cry easily.”

Males are also taught that it’s a sign of weakness to ask for help. This follows logically from the pressure to suppress negative emotions besides anger; after all, if you’re not supposed to have distressing emotions, why would you need help for them?

The result is that many men suffer in silence, which can have horrific effects for a male in his relationships, career, and health.

I recently read the following quote at my local Veterans Administration hospital: “It takes the courage and strength of a warrior to ask for help. If you are in emotional crisis, contact the V.A. hospital.” A real man needs to use his inner strength to shed years of media, familial, and societal brainwashing in order to be able to express his emotions and vulnerability.

The World Needs Highly Sensitive Men

Repressing emotions and sensitivity has devastating effects on men and the people who love them. But this expectation also has terrible consequences for the world at large. Males who repress their emotions have created a planet on the brink of disaster, since many male world leaders behave in a bellicose and combative manner rather than exhibiting compassionate and cooperative behavior.

We are at a turning point for the planet in which our male political leaders can either continue acting in an insensitive, belligerent manner, risking the destruction of humanity, or choose a new, collaborative, understanding approach to foreign, economic, and environmental policy. By embracing the diversity of human experience — including masculine sensitivity — we can usher in a new era of world peace.

In order for a society to function at an optimal level, there has to be a balance between the sensitive male and non-sensitive male styles. While most non-sensitive men will be found among the soldiers and chief executive officers of large corporations, and the sensitive men will more often be counselors, artists, and healers, I think sensitive men can function in almost any occupation so long as they do it their way, thoughtfully and without unnecessary aggression.

The point is, societies that ultimately succeed and flourish are the ones that honor both the aggressive warriors and the sensitive advisers. The sensitive male has an important mission, which is to balance the aggressive behavior of some nonsensitive males who treat humans, animals, and Mother Nature in a callous fashion.

While sensitive males may not be warriors fighting on foreign battlefields, their battles take just as much courage. Fighting to uphold righteousness in society, long the purview of sensitive men, takes a strong backbone and much fortitude. Personal and global peace can only be achieved through the resurrection of such masculine heroes as Jesus, Buddha, the Dalai Lama, Mahatma Gandhi, and Martin Luther King, Jr. It takes a strong man to speak the truth about morality, virtue, and justice as these great spiritual leaders have done.

The time has come to break the outdated, rigid male code that insists that all men should be aggressive, thick-skinned, and unemotional. As sensitive males become more confident and self-assured, they’ll be empowered to help create a more peaceful, healthy planet where all men will eventually become fully functioning human beings — exhibiting sensitivity, compassion, and vulnerability.

Want to learn more about highly sensitive people — and how to help your sensitive boy grow up to be a happy, confident man? Check out my books here.

This article was originally published on my blog.

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• The Double Whammy of Being a Highly Sensitive Man
• Sensitive Boys Can Be a Favorite Target of Bullies. Here’s How to Prevent It.
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
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• Why HSPs Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’

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The post The World Needs Highly Sensitive Men Now More Than Ever appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

A highly sensitive boy (HSB) can be easily overwhelmed by noise and crowds, fearful of new situations, and shy away from aggressive interactions. He generally reacts more deeply and exhibits more emotional sensitivity than the non-sensitive boy — which unfortunately could result in being bullied.

Why Sensitive Boys Are More At-Risk for Bullying

According to the National Association of School Psychologists, 160,000 children miss school every day in the United States for fear of being bullied and more than 50 suicides have been linked to prolonged bullying. School-related bullying has led to depression and poor school performance in many children.

Although research has shown that infant boys are more emotionally reactive than infant girls, by the time boys reach the age of five, they’ve usually learned to repress every emotion except anger. Societal values emphasize that males should be aggressive, thick-skinned, and emotionally self-controlled — which is the opposite of a sensitive boy. When boys don’t conform to the “boy code” and instead show their gentleness and emotions, they’re often ostracized and humiliated.

Bullies tend to target kids who seem different from others. Since the 80 percent of non-HSBs are hardwired neurologically to behave in a different manner than the 20 percent of HSBs, many sensitive boys do not fit in with the vast majority of boys.

Bullies also target kids who don’t fight back and who react deeply to teasing. Research shows that 85 percent of HSBs avoided fighting, and most sensitive boys become more emotionally upset from bullying than other boys.

5 Strategies to Prevent Bullying

How can we prevent our sensitive boys from being bullied? Here are five strategies.

1. Develop confidence in your son with support from adults

Unconditional love and support from parents and other adults will give your son the confidence he needs to face difficult situations. Unfortunately, when the burden is placed on one or two frequently stressed-out adults, it’s difficult to give the unconditional love and support a sensitive boy needs.

Studies have shown that boys who had positive, loving relationships with other adults other than parents (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) reported having more positive experiences as a child than those who did not have these additional relationships. Sensitive men from India and Thailand reported experiencing happier childhoods than those from North America, which may be due to the role of the extended family and community in raising children in those cultures. So invite your extended family and friends to share their love with your son.

Some people believe that boys need stronger discipline than girls. However, your sensitive son will learn a lesson better when he’s calm and receptive. So when you’re disciplining your son, it’s vital to talk to him in a gentle manner. When you set limits in a calm, yet firm manner, it will not lower his self-esteem.

Mothers generally spend more time with their children, so they are frequently in a position to bolster their son’s confidence. However, fathers (or uncles, grandfathers, or other male role models) need to spend special, positive time with their sons.

While a father needs to teach his son how to stand up for himself, he also has to understand, protect, and encourage his sensitive son. Both the father and the son benefit when dad accepts his son’s trait of sensitivity instead of trying to mold him into a non-HSB. It’s important to model setting limits with others so your son will learn how to set boundaries so he won’t get bullied.

2. Make school a safe place

Parents should regularly discuss their son’s progress with his teacher, talk to other parents, and volunteer in the classroom. If you find out that a teacher is mistreating your son, you need to immediately let the teacher and principal know that their behavior is unacceptable. If the teacher is not receptive to changing his or her behavior, you should not let your son remain in the classroom.

If your son gets bullied in school, it’s important to let him know effective methods to handle the situation. According to the Youth Voice Project, which surveyed 11,000 teens in 25 schools, the most effective solutions to stopping bullying were accessing the support of adults and peers. Less-effective strategies were ignoring the bullying, telling them to stop, and walking away.

Learning self-defense can give your son more confidence when confronted by bullying. You could ask the P.T.A. or the principal to arrange for a professional to come to the school to offer an anti-bullying program. If your son has tried the methods I mentioned above but the bullying does not stop (or becomes violent), contact your son’s school. Your son’s safety and sense of well-being is of prime importance, so you have every justification to bring the issue to his teacher, school counselor, and/or principal.

If your son’s physical safety is in jeopardy and the school authorities won’t intervene, you could contact the police. However, it may be more prudent to remove your son from a potentially physically violent situation if the bullying escalates to that point.

If the bullying continues, there may be the possibility of your child attending a progressive private school (i.e. Montessori, Waldorf, Steiner), that may be more conducive to your son’s emotional and educational needs than a large public school. Homeschooling is ideal for most sensitive boys since the HSB thrives in a safe, quiet, less-stimulating environment where they are free to pursue both core and creative subjects at their own pace.

3. Help your son develop friendships

Most boys prefer to socialize in large groups, yet our sensitive boys usually prefer to interact with only one friend or play by themselves. Since they shy away from aggressive, combative interactions, HSBs may have difficulties making friends with other boys. It may be better for your son to have just one friend rather than trying to be accepted by a group of non-HSBs.

However, it could be beneficial for your son to learn how to navigate through the majority non-sensitive boy culture as long as the friends involved remain respectful. Take some time to discuss friendship with your son and emphasize how important it is to be with friends who respect him. It’s important for your son to create a balance between spending time alone and with friends or he may not learn successful interpersonal skills.

4. Help your son become physically fit

When a boy becomes involved in sports, he feels accepted by his peers, which increases his self-esteem. Most boys are involved in some team sports, but research indicates that 85 percent of sensitive boys did not participate in team sports, and most preferred to participate in individual exercise. Since HSBs do not perform well under group pressure and may be deeply hurt by the cruel culture of malicious “boy teasing,” they generally avoid such interactions.

Regardless of athletic ability, it’s important for your son to participate in physical exercise since it will help him become healthier, stronger, and more confident. When an HSB has someone to teach and encourage him how to play various games, he could thrive — even in the insensitive world of male sports.

However, before your son joins a team, you should talk with the coach and possibly other parents to make sure that the players are treated with respect and are not overly competitive. The key is to find athletic activities that your son authentically enjoys.

As previously mentioned, learning some form of self-defense can really empower a sensitive boy, helping him feel safe and better able to fend off bullies if needed. It’s important to let the instructor know that your son needs support from the trainer. The sensitive boy who masters some form of self-defense becomes less fearful, more confident, and frequently more sociable.

5. Increase your son’s self-esteem

Research has shown that the more dissatisfied a boy is with his body, the poorer his self-esteem. Therefore, a sensitive boy who reacts more deeply to teasing about his physical appearance than a non-HSB is at risk for developing low self-esteem. Though the media can be a strong influence on your son, as an adult in his life, you are the stronger influence and have the power to let him know that his body is perfect exactly as it is. Discuss how the media is perpetuating myths about what a male body should look like.

An important aspect of a positive body image is good health. Stress affects health, and since your son may be more vulnerable to stress than the non-HSB, it’s important to help him maintain a preventative health-maintenance program by making sure he eats a healthy diet, take supplements, gets enough sleep, and gets regular exercise.

Finally, while your son’s self-esteem may be diminished by his not fitting in with nonsensitive children, he will feel worthwhile as he receives nourishment from his spiritual pursuits. Since most HSBs have a proclivity toward spirituality, you can increase his self-esteem by encouraging your son to learn meditation, prayer, spend time in nature, or read spiritual books about the great sensitive and compassionate spiritual heroes and sages.

There are millions of parents of sensitive boys trying to help their sons cope in a world that does not appreciate sensitivity in males. I’m sure that as you begin using the suggestions in this article, you will start seeing a positive change in your son as he becomes a strong, confident, and happy boy.

Want to learn more about highly sensitive people — and how to help your sensitive boy grow up to be a happy, confident man? Check out my books here.

This article was originally published on my blog.

You might like:

• 4 Steps to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child With Separation Anxiety
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up With Emotional Neglect?
• 11 Things I Wish People Knew About Me as a ‘Sensitive’ Person
• Why HSPs Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’

Did you enjoy this article? Sign up for our newsletters to get more stories like this.

We participate in the Amazon affiliate program.

The post Sensitive Boys Can Be a Favorite Target of Bullies. Here’s How to Prevent It. appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.