“I thought that therapists just shrug things off. Why would you care what some stranger said to you?”

Years ago, this was said to me on an online forum during what I thought was a healthy debate. An anonymous poster (who wasn’t a therapist) had chimed in on how my sensitive nature was “out of character” for how a therapist should act. I got frustrated, thinking, “Therapists are human too. We’re not always on duty.”

Being a therapist doesn’t mean that I’m immune to the same reactions that many other highly sensitive people experience — especially when it comes to receiving criticism. It would be nice to just “shrug things off,” but for many HSPs, that’s just not an option. Our biological wiring makes us process all stimuli deeply, including other people’s words.

And our emotional reactions — including the overload we feel when someone criticizes us — aren’t just a light switch that we can turn off.

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Why Highly Sensitive People React So Strongly to Criticism

For highly sensitive people, those reactions are wired deeply into our brains. When we receive negative feedback, we root into our “emotional brain,” which bypasses our “thinking brain.” The “emotional brain” (also known as the limbic system) is where our databank of triggers and past emotional memories are stored. This happens to everyone (not just HSPs) but, according to Julie Bjelland, a therapist who specializes in HSPs, the limbic system is activated more among HSPs than non-HSPs.

That means that a non-HSP may be able to use their thinking brain (neocortex, the part that handles logic) to not take criticism personally in the moment. But for us sensitive people, even when we logically know that criticism is invalid, we still need to process the emotions that arise. These are often past as well as present emotions; criticism can bring up all the painful comments that have been made to us in the past — and the shame that came with them.

So it’s no surprise that highly sensitive people will go above and beyond to avoid being criticized. And this can feed into our people-pleasing tendencies. Knowing that you exceed the expectations of people in your life can help you feel like you’re “good enough.”

I’ve had sensitive clients tell me, “If everybody around me is happy with what I’m doing, they won’t criticize me. Being criticized makes me feel like I am not good enough.” The reality is that everybody gets criticized from time to time — and no amount of over-achieving will make you “good enough” for everyone.

For sensitive people, coming to terms with that (and spending days or weeks analyzing a critical comment) can be completely exhausting.

The same brain wiring that gives us this strong reaction, however, can also be used to change it — as long as you understand that the goal is not to avoid criticism or “turn off” your reaction, but to shift it to something healthier.

How HSPs Can Take Criticism Less Personally

Criticism is inevitable. I won’t tell you to build a thicker skin (who hasn’t heard enough of that?). Here are five tips that work with the way your emotional brain is wired as an HSP. These methods have really helped me, both with face-to-face criticism and online. If you’re highly sensitive, I believe they might help you, too.

1. Remember that the comment is often not about you.

You might wonder, “Did I word things wrong? Did I say something that was offensive? Why did this person lash out at me like that?” Or online, even, “Maybe I should delete my post.”

But that’s probably not necessary. When someone hears what you said or reads what you wrote, they’re interpreting your words through their own personal lens. Sometimes your experiences and their experiences clash. You didn’t say anything wrong — they just can’t relate.

This is even more important online. Because you can’t see a person’s body language or hear their tone of voice, online commenters can easily misunderstand each other’s intent. Someone’s criticism may not be about what you did or didn’t do at all.

2. There’s no rule that says you have to react.

As a highly sensitive person, you’ve probably been told to stand up for yourself more. But sometimes, fighting back may actually make you feel worse about yourself — and make the situation even more tense.

When someone provokes you and makes you boil over with anger, they might see it as an opportunity to bait you even more. Choosing not to respond to a personal critique sends the message that you aren’t going to waste your energy on that person’s words.

Yes, some people actually want to see you get upset. They may even accuse you of being the troll or bully! Don’t give these people what they’re looking for.

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That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Decide if you agree or disagree with the criticism.

If you tend to empathize with other people’s perspectives, it might be tempting to take in someone’s opinion as your own. You may have even agreed and nodded with someone just to be polite. Conventional wisdom says to see the grain of truth in criticism, but you get to form your own opinion on what someone says.

It’s okay to set boundaries and disagree with any comments that you receive. Unless it’s a trusted confidant and you asked for their opinion, the person judging you is probably not the most reliable source for pointing out your flaws.

In my opening example about the online forum, the poster later admitted to being out of touch with how therapists really are in their personal lives. Anyone who works in the mental health field knows that therapists can be as emotional as anyone else.

If you think there’s truth to someone’s criticism, take what you can learn and realize that it’s not a reflection of your self-worth. Even very talented people have something they can improve on — and that’s okay.

4. Focus on the positive feedback.

Don’t ignore the positive feedback that you’ve received! Since criticism pushes us into an emotional state, it’s easier to ruminate more on those few negative comments. Make sure you take a look at the entire picture and take into account those who enjoyed what you shared, or times when someone complimented you. One or two critical comments don’t mean that everybody in the world feels the same way.

5. Find out which communities work best for your sensitive nature.

This is true both online and off. When it comes to the digital world, I could tell you to quit the internet and focus on your offline life, but that’s not realistic for most people. If you feel like your energy is sinking low because of online conflict, it may be time to decide if a site is really in your best interest. Places like Reddit and Facebook can be confrontational, and they often leave me feeling flustered. Don’t feel guilty about walking away from an online community that isn’t fulfilling for you.

In the physical world, it can be harder — but it’s still possible to seek out communities or circles of friends that make you feel good. If someone (or some group) in your life repeatedly makes you feel bad about yourself, it may be time to take a break from them and set some personal boundaries.

Criticism will always sting. But it is possible to change the way you perceive it, and understand that it’s not always about you. And that can bring a lot of peace to a sensitive soul.

You might like:

• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Hate Busy Schedules and Feeling Rushed?
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Absorb Other People’s Emotions?
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• 13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand

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The post Why Highly Sensitive People Sometimes React So Strongly to Criticism appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Of course, you would assume that all therapists are open-minded, unbiased, and empathetic experts. Just like any profession, there are competent therapists and therapists who are ineffective. This article isn’t intended to bash the entire counseling profession or discourage you from seeking help. In fact, many HSPs report that therapy is a life-changing and healing experience for them.

There are a lot of well-intentioned therapists who genuinely help clients overcome their struggles. But not all therapists are the right fit for an HSP. Read on to see what red flags to watch out for.

Signs Your Therapist Isn’t Right for You

1. Your therapist judges you on multiple occasions.

You might think that being shamed is just a normal part of therapy. No matter what you say in your sessions, good therapists are supposed to be non-judgmental. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes you’ve made or how many bad experiences you’ve had. A therapist should never judge you.

It’s your right to have a therapist who treats you with warmth and empathy. Your therapist may challenge you at times, but they can still communicate with tact.

Words matter in the counseling relationship. A therapist being insensitive and patronizing can undermine a client’s progress. Even if someone has good intentions, the negative impact behind the words can worsen an HSP trying to affirm their self-worth.

2. Your therapist has poor boundaries.

Your therapist is responsible for maintaining professional boundaries to help you feel emotionally safe. A therapist isn’t meant to act like a friend or a romantic partner — and especially not a micromanaging parent.

Examples of poor boundaries from a therapist are:

• Dominating your session by talking about their personal problems or accomplishments — and then you’re the one who has to give them advice!
• Pushing you to talk about things that you’re not ready to talk about, such as your sex life or the details of past trauma
• Gossiping about other clients to you
• Inviting you to hang out at their house
• Telling you that they “love you” — or other strong, inappropriate words of personal affection

If you’re uneasy in therapy, don’t second guess your perceptions. HSPs read others well and generally have strong, accurate intuition — especially when it comes to people. Clients have told me, “I knew something was off, but I thought that the therapist knew better than I did.”

3. You feel obligated to stay loyal to your therapist, even when you have your doubts.

Here’s where some people will object. They’ll ask, “If your therapist wasn’t good, why did you keep going to them? Why didn’t you stop and find someone else?” That’s not an easy question to answer, but the power dynamic between an authority figure and a client can leave someone not knowing when to end a therapeutic relationship.

If you people-please and find conflict exhausting (many HSPs do), you may worry about hurting your therapist’s feelings. You may overthink your instincts telling you, “I should give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental.” Some clients feel pressured by their therapist to stay in treatment. Other clients cling to a therapist because they feel like they have nobody else to turn too.

The bottom line: you’re not responsible for how your therapists feels. Most therapists know that they’re not going to be a great fit for every client that walks into their office. You aren’t obligated to keep paying a professional that you don’t want to see anymore.

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4. Your therapist doesn’t REALLY listen to you.

Therapists are trained to be present with you. They’re trained to offer their undivided attention. If someone doesn’t pay attention to what you tell them, how are they going to help you find solutions that actually work?

Good therapists not only listen to what you’re saying, but they also read between the lines of what you’re not saying. Therapists who don’t listen jump the gun by making assumptions about you that are usually wrong. They may miss important details and nuances about your life. They lecture you, as if they know you better than you know yourself. This leads to clients feeling misunderstood and not being seen for who they are.

Acknowledging what a client says helps a therapist offer new insights. If your therapist frequently says things that doesn’t resonate with you, there’s a chance that they were NOT fully listening. It can be exhausting to correct and defend yourself to someone who’s not listening. Listening is a mission-critical skill for a therapist to have.

5. You sense that your therapist is inauthentic.

When therapists model authenticity to their clients, clients find it easier to discover their own true and best self. Since many highly sensitive clients have been abused, mistreated, and lied to, it’s completely fair to want an honest and reliable therapist. When your therapist has a “I know it all and am never wrong” attitude, of course you would struggle to fully trust them. A therapist who’s willing to be themselves and admit their mistakes can be healing — especially for HSPs, who tend to crave authenticity.

HSPs go through life reading people like open diaries.  Your intuition is finely tuned to a therapist’s eye contact, body language, tone of voice, and their vibes. Don’t ignore what you’re picking up about your therapist. If you suspect they’re being inauthentic, you’re probably right.

Colleagues have told me, “If a client has more than two therapists, that’s a red flag,” or “Maybe the client isn’t doing the work.” I couldn’t disagree more. Not getting positive results in therapy isn’t always the client’s fault. Like dating, it may take checking out several therapists before you find the one who suits you

Success in therapy significantly depends on how well you and your therapist connect with each other. As an HSP, you’ve probably been misunderstood for most of your life — so you shouldn’t waste money and energy on a therapist who re-traumatizes you. If you’ve had some bad experiences in therapy, take heart: If you’re aware of what a bad therapist looks like, you can use this knowledge to find a therapist who can offer you the same level of compassion that you naturally give to others.

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You might like:

• A Therapist Explains the 6 Keys to Preventing Emotional Overwhelm
• What Happens When an HSP Grows Up With Emotional Neglect?
• 5 Strategies for HSPs and Empaths to Heal Emotional Triggers

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