Dear Alane, I am drained by people around me. I have two very close people in my life. One is always negative and the other is careless and always expects me to justify his violent actions and argue that he has the right. What can I do about this? —Indy

Indy, I feel drained by the good people in my life, even the ones I love. As a highly sensitive person, I’m a bit of a sponge. I pay so much attention to others and process what they say so deeply that I feel full and tired when I spend time with them. 

Here’s the thing: You cannot control how these two people act, but you can control how you preserve your own energy and how much of it you give them. 

When I feel drained by people, I know I am not spending enough time in solitude, in silence, in nature, and in movement. These four things are my prescription for myself (and you). If I have enough of these four “magic pills” in my life, being around people is not so draining — it’s my recipe for social success.

(Note: I happen to be an introvert, although the solitude and silence is just as important for HSPs who are extroverts. That’s because extroverted HSPs can experience that relationship overwhelm even more often and more acutely than the introverts. Why? Well, my sensitive extrovert friends, you know why: You have the impulse and instinct to be with others more than your sensitive brain can tolerate, so you might not spend enough downtime alone.)

The truth is, no one starts their day with just the right amount of each of the four ingredients. Yet, it is a non-negotiable recipe for each of us. Follow it the same way your grandma cooked: a bit of this, a bit of that… Oh! It didn’t come out just right? Adjust the ingredients until you are making the best Social You that tastes just right to your palate. And if it doesn’t taste great to those around you — the drainers? Oh well! They can go find a different flavor of person because it’s about your palate. 

And, Indy, I’d be surprised if you still have those negative, careless, violent, or argumentative people in your life once you start to figure out your recipe. When you start to follow your recipe, those people tend to fall away — you are no longer so appealing to them because they have been using your sensitivity to fill up their own limited cups, and suddenly you’re taking care of your own needs instead. 

Of course, if the “drainers” are your parent, child, or sibling, it’s not going to work to let them fall away from your life. In that case, it’s time to set limits. This is something most HSPs struggle to define and implement. You are not alone! Keep reading below for my suggestions about limit-setting.

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How do I say ‘no’ and set limits with difficult loved ones?

Dear Alane, I have a friend who is very high strung (she refers to herself this way) and she seems to me to play mind games. I take what I can and leave what I can’t. I have compassion for her, I see the hurt little girl inside of her, and when we click we have a good time. And, there are times when I need my space from her and it is these times I don’t know what to say. “NO” is a complete sentence but I feel more of an explanation is needed. Just saying no feels awkward to me. I don’t know how to explain to her my limits without potentially hurting her feelings. —Trying to Just Say No Trixie

Welcome (unfortunately!) to the challenging-loved-ones club. Here’s how I recommend setting limits for social HSPs, in four steps:

1. First, set limits with yourself

This is a tough but important place to start. What are your values for your life? Where do you want to spend your energy? Do you want to be your best self in this world? If so, you have to value yourself above all else. That’s the rule. That is the first limit you need to set, and it’s one you yourself have to follow.

As a highly sensitive person, you will always have empathy for others and act with open-hearted kindness EXCEPT for when you are overwhelmed — a.k.a. drained — but overwhelmed-you is not who you really are. When you get to that point of what we psychological professionals call overarousal (read: having too many straws on the camel’s back) not only will you not be nice, but the first person you will be mean to is yourself. So stop all that. Take care of you. 

Do that by giving yourself solitude, silence, nature, and movement early and often. 

2. Know the Warning Signs

This one is sort of a limit with yourself as well, but they all are if I’m being honest. The truth is that I am often unaware of just how much I am feeling drained or done with an interaction until I am so upset I can’t function. That leaves me blind to the dysfunction in the relationship until I can’t take it any more. I suspect I’m not alone in this. 

That’s why working on our awareness is key. Awareness means knowing when a limit is getting crossed — or someone is draining you — before it becomes a crisis. You can do that by monitoring your physiological self (scan your body for muscle tension, and pay attention to your heart rate, breathing, and pain) and your emotional self (distraction, sadness, frustration, self-doubt).( We HSPs don’t think without feeling, so you will do well to notice emotion-driven thoughts, not just overwhelming feelings.) 

You might notice warning signs of your own. I have come to know that if I think or say a swear word, it means I’m dancing with overarousal. Whatever your warning is, treat it like a big red stop light. Be aware that if things keep going as they are, you are no longer going to be your best self — which means this is not the time to do Step 3, below. Instead, you have to go back to the recipe Step 1: Withdraw as needed and give yourself solitude, silence, nature, and movement. 

But I bet, like me, that you’ll often just keep going. You might not even be aware that you are going over your edge. It’s very subtle (like all things HSP-related, except our occasional meltdowns!). But, I promise, it will all work out better if you work on this so you can notice when you need to step back. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

3. Communicate Clearly & Use Appropriate Volume

Weren’t my sad eyes enough to let you know I wasn’t okay? I’m looking out the window, so it should be obvious I’m angry…

No. No, it’s not. 

I have created an entire curriculum around this that I call Speaking Volumes. We HSPs often think we have clearly communicated to our friends and families what we want or need. We feel like we have told them so many times that we must sound like a broken record. Yet they continue to step on our toes (and our hearts). 

Here is the problem: We communicate at too soft a “volume.” We are too nice (unless we hit the wall, then we scream or communicate drastically in some other way — again, at an inappropriate volume.) But most averagely-sensitive people don’t understand gentle, subtle communication to mean there’s a problem. They understand there’s a problem when something is direct and firm. Anything else gets screened out — unless or until you teach them about you.

Think back to the most gentle, polite way you’ve communicated an issue to a difficult friend or loved ones. Maybe you crossed your arms or looked away when you started to feel frustrated or uncomfortable. Maybe you softened it up by apologizing for your own part in it. 

Let me ask you, HSPs: Did that work? Did they even notice? Or did you get more frustrated because they just kept going? 

If this resonates, here is some homework for you: Think back on all the ways you have indicated your limits in relationships. For each way you have communicated a limit, note how effective it was. Was it clear to you? Was it clear to the other person? Finally, write down three ways you might make that communication more clear, by turning up your volume. (Writing it down is the key here, so get to it!)

4. Just Say No

I hear you, Trixie. “No” just feels too abrupt and, well, mean. And, you might be surprised to hear your mental health educator here agreeing with you.

As a young woman, I taught self-defense to teen girls. We spent a good deal of time raising our voices and yelling “NO.” We didn’t just say “No” loudly; we deepened the tone, believed it ourselves, and rallied our inner drill sergeant. And, yes: Practicing your hard No is a good practice. It could save your life one day, so I’m all in on a strong NO! The issue is that as sensitive people, the strong No has to follow a careful progression of raising your volume. You want to try all the steps above first, and the firm, clear language in Step 3 should do the job better than a mere “no” in most cases. 

Just in case, though, please do practice a hard, primal NO! in the privacy of your own home. It really does stop people in their tracks, which can help in an emergency. Just maybe close the windows when you practice. 

Here is an example of a “no” that might work for you: Speak your truth. Be brief and direct. State what’s not working, what you need, and what you’ll do going forward. For example: “If I’m going to come to family dinner on Sunday, I need to know that you won’t make fun of my politics. From now on, please don’t discuss politics with me at all. If you do, I’ll have to stop coming.” This is a high number on the volume scale, but you didn’t have to yell it.

Have a question for Ask Alane? Submit your question here.

The Power of Setting Limits

My dear sweet HSPs, I know you can relate to these two excellent questions. You are not alone. Although there are as many ways to be highly sensitive as there are highly sensitive people (and there are quite a lot of us) we all know what it’s like to feel drained by the people around us.

The hardest NO you will ever say is to yourself. I am tearing up as I say this because it is so true for me. But setting those limits with yourself, applying your supercharged empathy to inward and toward yourself will make you a better person, a better friend, and a healthier and happier HSP. 

Blessings and breath,
Alane

HSPs, are you always running late? Do you often find yourself feeling rushed? I used to run 20 minutes late almost everywhere. Thanks to this great HSP Hack, I now run early — and “late” looks like on time. I offer a FREE 20-minute video so you can learn this hack yourself, and stop feeling rushed. Get the free video here.  —Alane

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The post Ask Alane: Why Are Relationships So Draining for HSPs? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

This is the first installment of Sensitive Refuge’s new advice column for highly sensitive people. Our resident advice columnist is Alane Freund, one of the world’s top therapists for HSPs. Alane has been trained by and worked closely with Elaine Aron, and is here to help you sort out your life conundrums as a sensitive person. Submit a question to Alane here. 

Dear Alane, My daughter and I are both highly sensitive and we always have something to worry about. I feel like I can’t help her with her worry because I don’t even know how to deal with my own! I wish we could just turn both our brains off and stop thinking so much about every little thing. How can I help her (and help myself!) to worry less? —Always Worrying

Dear Always Worrying,

First things first. Worry is our birthright as highly sensitive people. We see it in the youngest among us. I would say it’s a feature and not a bug of our deeply processing brains, but honestly, it can be both! 

For example, I remember standing on the high diving board at the public pool as a tween. I can still feel the pressure of the line of kids waiting and jeering as I stood frozen, staring at the water beyond my toes. It wasn’t that I was scared (well, maybe I was a little), I just needed to pause and think before going literally overboard. I just needed a bit more time and a little less pressure – two things kids impatiently awaiting their turns rarely extend.

We sensitive ones were designed to think. A lot. But where is the line between thinking and worrying? And why do some of us cross the line and get lost on the wrong side of it? 

And, AW, you’re a parent. Parents become even bigger worriers when our children worry. It can be a tricky cycle — even a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it may be helpful to know we come by our honestly, as do most animals, even flies and fish. Worrying is baked into how nature built our brains.

Nature Made You Worry for a Reason

There are two basic strategies for how people (and animals) behave in the world, particularly in responding to their environment. In fact, in a 2008 study, biologists documented these same two strategies in over one hundred species. 

So what are the two strategies? 

The first one is to just go for it — and if it doesn’t work, go for it again. 

The second one is to do it once and do it right. 

Scientists refer to the “just go for it” strategy as a nonresponsive, impulsive, or non-sensitive reaction. It doesn’t take much into consideration, nor does it scan the circumstances and evaluate the best course of action. Instead, it’s opportunistic. It perceives a possible, positive outcome, and it pursues it, and it often pays off. (Thank goodness most people are like this so things get done!)

In contrast, the second strategy is called a responsive, reflective, reactive, or sensitive reaction. This strategy takes advantage of processing the information at hand. It charts a course of action based on all the known facts, hoping to maximize the outcome and minimize the risk. This is what sensitivity researcher Elaine Aron calls the “pause-to-check” response — and it’s a central feature of a highly sensitive person’s brain. Basically, we sensitive people want to get things right the first time. We are careful and deliberate about our actions. And thank goodness humanity has us here thinking more carefully (and hopefully advising the go-for-it majority).

I utilized my ‘pause-to-check’ response on the diving board all those years ago. And, although diving boards are mostly safe, this same response can often make a life-or-death difference. 

Scientists have observed this in a remarkable range of species. I love the example of the Pumpkinseed Sunfish, which one study labeled as either “bold” or “timid” when a new trap was set in their pond. Many of the fish boldly swam right into the trap, but a smaller number hesitated before swimming, presumably detecting that there was something new in their environment. From my perspective, the “timid” fish looked pretty smart. Their pause to respond to the environment kept them safe. 

So, far from being a hindrance or shortcoming, the “pause to check” response is actually evidence of a sensitive person’s subtle perception and depth of processing. As highly sensitive people (HSPs), our more reactive brains make us more aware of physical subtleties, more emotionally tuned in, and more thoughtful about it all — which Elaine Aron and I esteem as emotional leadership. Emotional leadership means leading with your emotions and empathy, but it also means you will have emotional responses before those who are less sensitive — often the same emotions others might have but take longer to access. You can and should draw from these strengths to advise the more impulsive people in your life and guide those around you to wise action. 

But the “pause to check” response comes with a byproduct: worry. Sometimes even unnecessary worry. Not every pond has a trap in it, but the HSP mind is inclined to check every pond just in case. And that can become very frustrating if it turns into constant worry — or seeing your sensitive child worry.  

So, AW, how do you make the worrying stop? It starts with changing the way you interact with your deep processing — and transforming the worry into something useful. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

How to Transform Worry Into Beneficial, Actionable Processing

Take a minute to think back to the Pumpkinseed Sunfish in the pond. Remember how researchers called it “timid” — and how it actually helped the fish avoid a trap? We sensitive people are neither timid nor fearful by nature. We just want to do it right the first time. Like my tweenage self, standing on the high diving board, we do what we need to do to get ready before we take the plunge.

And if we would just give ourselves (and our kids) the time we need to stop and think, we can surprise ourselves and everyone around us with our courage and willingness. (It’s no mistake that HSPs are positively correlated with the personality trait of openness — in the absence of time pressure, highly sensitive people can be braver and more willing to try new things because we think them through ahead of time!

So, AW, iIt might be helpful to practice replacing the label “worry” with “processing.” You are processing a concerning situation or a possibility. Whereas worrying makes us feel bad, processing a situation opens us up to solutions.

Of course, the world today isn’t structured to give sensitive folks the time we need to ready ourselves. Nor does it equip us with the tools we need to keep our thinking on track toward a productive outcome. Without adequate time or tools, our careful thinking can spiral into the worry loop. So, here is a process I often recommend to my worrier clients (including adults and youth). I call them The Four D’s.

The Four D’s for Navigating Worry

The four D’s for navigating worry are:

1. Deliberation

We could also call this deep processing. Our sensitive brains are wired to deliberate. Again, we just need time to process all our subtle noticing. But it’s important to distinguish productive deliberation from harmful ruminating. I often suggest HSPs set a time limit on deliberation. Yes, we do need extra time to process, but we also need to help our brains move out of deliberation and into action or decision (which, not coincidentally, is another of my Four D’s.) So if you’re struggling with rumination, try setting a timer and allowing your brain to do its thing for a set time (as little as two minutes, as much as ten.) Then, get out of your head. Get up, go for a walk, do a chore, listen to music or a podcast, or read a book. Anything that helps your brain switch out of deliberation mode.

2. Discussion

A helpful follow-up to deliberation is discussion. While it’s true that many HSPs are internal processors, meaning we don’t always feel the need to discuss things with someone else, there is still merit in hearing your thoughts out loud. Sometimes I even talk it out with myself. You might think I’m weird, but just hearing our thoughts out loud can help even without a great listener. Of course, if you have a great listener handy, that’s a plus! 

3. Discernment

This means being the boss of your brain to understand the pros and cons of all that thinking. It takes practice and intention to actually do something with all the deliberation that comes naturally to us. This is often the missing step for HSPs. We never get around to making the judgment call so we get stuck in the worry loop. But our sensitive brains evolved for a reason. Not to get us lost in worry, but to guide us to discernment. Just as you can trust your deliberation, you can trust your sensitive discernment to guide you in the way to go. This might also look like making a list of pros and cons, researching the options, or asking a wise mentor their opinion. 

4. Decision

Once we get comfortable with discernment, decisions come far more easily. Whether it’s choosing what to order from the menu, which accommodation to book, or which choice to bubble in on a test, decisions are the productive outcomes of our deep processing. Set a deadline for your decision and if all else fails, flip a coin. If you don’t like the results, you know the other choice was right. The point is that making decisions and taking action are what prevent our worry from consuming us. They’re the evolutionarily intended purpose of our sensitive brains.

For all the ‘Always Worriers’ out there, give The Four D’s a try the next time you find yourself worrying over something, no matter how big or small. Put all your deep processing to work for you toward an actionable step or solution so it doesn’t work against you in defeating worry. You may decide to jump off the high dive or carefully climb back down the ladder. Either way, you can trust your process and its outcome. 

Worrying may be our birthright, but processing is our superpower. Let’s put it to good use! 

Do you have your own ‘high dive’ moment? I would love to hear about it in the comments, and remember to send in your question for the next Ask Alane column. Click here to submit your question. 

Special workshop for highly sensitive people: Alane Freund, MS, MA, invites you to join her bimonthly “Are You Highly Sensitive?” workshops. Each is an online masterclass on a special topic for HSP adults and youth. Learn more here.

You Might Like:

• What to Do When You Feel Overstimulated and Overwhelmed
• The No. 1 Thing That Relieves My Anxiety as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Here’s Everything Researchers Know About High Sensitivity, as of 2023

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The post Ask Alane: Why Do I Worry So Much and How Can I Stop? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Dear Alane, I just got out of a long relationship that went south in the most explosive way. My previous relationships weren’t quite as dramatic, but they always hit a point where tensions rise and a seemingly perfect partner becomes someone I’m disconnected from, or even dread being around. I am starting to wonder if my high sensitivity is to blame — maybe I am just “extra” or too much of a handful, or my own worries and anxieties somehow sabotage things. What do I do? How do I find a happy relationship as an HSP? —Luckless in Love

It’s time for some hard truth, LIL. In my work as a licensed psychotherapist for the past three decades, I’ve seen countless couples and individuals go through all types of relationship struggles. But one group of people — highly sensitive people — have very unique struggles, especially when it comes to love. 

I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP) myself, and I was trained and mentored by Elaine Aron, one of the world’s top sensitivity researchers. And I can unequivocally say:

Being highly sensitive takes relationships to another level.

You see, as HSPs, we worry because we experience our relationship so differently from our not-as-sensitive partners. We fear we are more committed and can get more tangled up in the relationship. At times, it’s overwhelming. 

That overwhelm can lead to much of what you’re describing, LIL, as it tints our own perceptions and can also affect our partners.

HSPs also see all the details and possible outcomes in any given situation. And when reality doesn’t live up to that potential, resentment and criticism can take over. It’s despairing. Hence that feeling of disconnection (or maybe even dread).

But HSPs don’t just get stuck in the dumps. We also feel the highs of relationships more intensely. We relish the joy of connection and intimacy, as well as the beauty of a simple day at home with the one we love. It’s wonderful. 

That’s a pretty high place to crash down from.

So, when things get hard, they are really hard. We worry that we feel “too much,” need “too much,” and that our intensity will disqualify us from ever being able to last in a relationship long-term. It’s terrifying. 

However, with a little effort, intention, and tender care, I’ve seen HSPs turn their sensitivity into the gift it’s meant to be in their relationships, including, and perhaps most importantly, our relationship with ourselves. When we harness our sensitivity like this, it’s magic. 

So here’s what I’m doing to do, LIL: I’m going to break up your predicament into five of the most common relationship issues that pop up for HSPs — including your question, LIL, about whether your sensitivity is to blame. And we’re going to give you an action plan to conquer each one of them.

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5 Common Questions About HSP Relationships

1. “Is my sensitivity to blame for why I find my relationships so hard?”

The short answer is “Yes.” But before you go off cursing the day you were born — and the sensitivity you were born with — hear me out. I like to say committed relationships with HSPs have a third partner: the sensitivity. 

In all honesty, your sensitivity makes you a romantic asset because you’re thinking so much about the other person and you have so much empathy. That can be beautiful… but it can also be really painful.

Our strong emotional responsiveness, and empathy, causes our relationships to be overstimulating, in both the highs and lows. Being overwhelmed requires alone time to self-regulate, a challenge every HSP has to manage, even the extroverts. 

So it’s important that the people in our lives know about our sensitivity. This can be a struggle for many of us since we’ve spent most of our lives hiding it. But I recommend HSPs bring up the idea of sensitivity to partners, and potential partners, so we prioritize finding someone open and accepting. (Really, this applies to every sort of relationship, even including medical professionals and therapists, teachers and mentors, etc.)

We also need to honor and nurture our sensitivity for our own well-being. HSPs cannot do as much as other people, and we aren’t supposed to. We are supposed to go deep with a few things, not shallow in many. Therefore, give yourself permission to embrace your sensitivity in your relationship and give it what it needs to thrive.

Action plan:

• Get specific and intentional about your needs as an HSP. Make a practical self-care plan that isn’t just indulgent, but also helps you regulate your nervous system. After all, HSPs love routines, and having certain grounding rituals in place can really help, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Some of these may include taking a warm bath, reading a feel-good book, or using a meditation app, like Insight Timer, to listen to a guided meditation to help you decompress after work or before bed.

• Share your needs with your partner. We HSPs have a lifetime of suppressing our needs, and that can be why we struggle in relationships. For the sake of your well-being, and for the health of your relationships, clearly and lovingly talk about what you need, as well as how you need to get it. For example, perhaps you need more alone time, so you might tell your partner you’ll take a walk each morning — alone — for 30 minutes. 

2. “I’m an HSP and so is my partner. How can we prevent overwhelm in our relationship?”

Two HSPs in a relationship bring unique gifts and challenges. On the one hand, you have someone who understands your sensitivity in a way few others do. On the other hand, you can experience “competing sensitivities,” a constant competition between different sensitivities: Who is more overwhelmed? Who needs more rest? Who is doing more chores? And on and on and on…

Both highly sensitive partners have their own sensitivities to nurture in the relationship, which you can learn more about here. But both partners also exhibit strong empathy for the other, which can overwhelm everyone. 

So I have a firm rule for HSP couples: No talking or arguing when overstimulated. You cannot have a productive conversation when you’re in that state. If a couple is in a disagreement or argument that is escalating, it will benefit all involved — and the situation at hand — to prevent getting worked up, overstimulated, and frazzled. HSPs need to hit pause and step away.

This isn’t to say that the conflict is left unresolved. Rather, the couple has an understanding, and a plan, to revisit the issue only when both parties are well-regulated and not in overdrive. I prefer to save these conversations for a favorite spot — cozied up on the couch or walking along the beach or on a trail — whatever offers safety, comfort, and beauty. And you must schedule and commit to a set time to return to the conversation. Don’t leave your partner hanging. (This is great advice for all relationships, regardless of who is highly sensitive!)

It’s so important that HSPs say their piece, get out their side of the story, and leave nothing to be assumed. You want a healthy relationship, not a toxic one. Even when both people are highly sensitive, never presume that the other knows what you mean or where you’re coming from. HSPs may have an easier time understanding each other, but we still must prioritize explicit and clear communication. That only comes from a well-regulated nervous system at what researchers call the optimal level of arousal.

Action plan:

• Both partners need to know what it feels like when they are getting overstimulated. Does your heart rate increase? Do your palms sweat? Do you hear ringing in your ears or hold your breath? Know your own signs so you know when to intervene. 

• Have an “Overstimulation Prevention Plan” in place. Talk with your partner about how to pause a conversation when either of you is getting overwhelmed, as well as when to come back and continue working on it. Accept that it may take multiple sessions and pauses to manage both the issue at hand and the overwhelm that accompanies it. 

• Believe in yourself — and each other. It takes time and practice. You can do it. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

3. “I’m an HSP, but my partner isn’t. How can I help them understand my sensitivity?”

This speaks to the importance of understanding the unique temperament profile of one’s partner. High sensitivity has been found to be just one personality trait among many, including the nine innate temperaments. When we understand each other’s temperaments, we will have much more successful relationships, according to Dr. Arthur Aron’s research on love and marriage. (In addition, the documentary film, Sensitive Lovers, includes Dr. Aron’s research regarding HSPs.) It’s certainly worthwhile to help your partner understand your sensitivity as you strive to understand their temperaments and traits in return. 

Sensitive people tend to do this easily and naturally, thanks to our high empathy. It’s one of the benefits of our more reactive HSP brain. But when a partner struggles to understand you, your sensitivity can be a source of pain and conflict.

In this regard, the best thing HSPs can do for their partners who don’t have the trait is to be overt and explicit about their sensitivity. After all, you can’t expect your partner to know how something affects you without telling them.

If this has been a source of conflict before, I always recommend HSPs first write out what they want to say. Write a letter you’ll never send and get all your thoughts, emotions, and arguments out on paper. This can help you get crystal clear on what actually needs to be communicated to your not-as-sensitive partner. Then, I like to run it through the THINK acronym: Is what I want to say Thoughtful, Honest, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind?

We can’t expect our non-HSP partners to understand us without putting in the work to be understood. It takes time, there will be missteps, and it requires repairs and amends. But if you are up to the challenge, a loving union of two wildly different people is a unique gift in this life. 

Action plan:

• Encourage curiosity about each other’s temperaments. Ask your partner questions about what makes them tick, and be forthcoming in return. 

• Practice explaining your trait lovingly and carefully. Practice choosing the right time to talk about it. Practice what to say so it’s clear and concise. Practice listening, without defensiveness, to your partner’s response. 

• Give yourself, and your partner, some grace. It’s a lifelong pursuit to truly know someone else, and to be known in return.

4. “I’m a single HSP, and Valentine’s Day and weddings are really hard for me. Any advice?”

HSPs are so good at envisioning the way things ought to be — we know exactly what needs to happen for the optimal outcome to transpire. When life doesn’t pan out that way, and it often doesn’t, it can hit us especially hard. 

So my advice applies to anyone who finds themselves in a situation they’d rather not be in. Whether that’s longing for a new or different relationship, a different career, or any life circumstance, really. The answer, I believe, is in turning our incredible empathy inward.

We are often not as good at loving ourselves as we are at loving others. That is the challenging side of empathy; we notice so much around us that we forget ourselves altogether. 

So to HSPs who find holidays, like Valentine’s Day, difficult, can you love yourself enough to practice self-compassion and loving-acceptance? Loving your life, your body, your personality — and even your sensitivity?

Highly sensitive souls have so much love to give, but if we don’t extend it inward, we are destined for a life of misery and discontentment. I believe that the more healing that we do — particularly to heal past trauma and reframe our childhood in light of our sensitivity trait — the more we can come from a place of genuine love for ourselves. And this, in turn, will help us have healthier relationships with others.

No matter our relationship status, our relationship with ourselves outlasts all others. It must always be nurtured, protected, and honored. 

Action plan:

• This Valentine’s Day, do something that soothes you and/or makes your heart sing. Ask yourself: What do I need most at the moment? 

• Explore self-compassion practices and commit to incorporating them into your daily life. This can look like meditating, praying, going for a walk, spending time with a pet, or anything that allows you to be compassionate, and loving, toward yourself.

• Indulge your ability to see exactly how things are supposed to be through “Scripting.” Write, or imagine, exactly how things should be in the next 3-5 years. Are there any practical steps you could take now in that direction?  

5. “I’m an introverted HSP. How the heck am I supposed to live with another person for the rest of my life?”

Well, first, no one says you have to. Highly sensitive introverts can live wonderfully fulfilling lives without a partner, and I dare say many of us would be just fine with a precious life of solitude. It’s worth thinking about where the desire for a long-term relationship comes from. Is it truly from your heart, or is it a result of societal pressure and expectation? 

Think about HSPs in traditional societies — they were often the healers, shamans, and gurus. They often lived lives of solitude due to their unique role in the community.

But if maintaining a committed relationship long-term is a true desire of yours, you must be intentional to make it work. My advice: Know your needs and prioritize them relentlessly.

If you are going to be in a successful relationship, it must be sustainable. The only way for it to be sustainable is for everyone’s needs to be met, including yours. 

HSPs are very good at knowing, and meeting, other people’s needs, but this often comes at the expense of our own. You probably already have a good sense of your needs if you realize that living with someone else seems impossible. I’m here to tell you that it’s not. But what may be impossible is living with someone else the way “everyone else” does.

During COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns, my family pitched a couple of tents in the backyard that became our sanctuaries. We were not to disturb each other if we retreated to the tents. They were our means of respite and refuge. 

So, dear, introverted HSP, I invite you to think outside the box. What molds need to be broken from the cookie-cutter idea of the nuclear family so that you can thrive? What arrangements can you make so that you enjoy living your life with the one you love? Isn’t that the goal? So do whatever it takes to achieve the goal.

This is your life. Design it so your needs are met, your partner is respected and honored, and so you can actually enjoy each other’s company. 

Action plan:

• Spend some time reflecting on how you are different from the majority of folks who are not-as-sensitive. What needs to be different for you, and why?

• Commit to your own time alone and retreat on a regular basis. This way, you can garner your resources and meet your partner in the middle.

• Make a list of your needs that you struggle to meet in a committed, long-term relationship. What out-of-the-box ideas can you come up with to meet those needs while living with a partner?

As HSPs, we love deeply, care profoundly, and live in a state of empathy. But the hardest love for many HSPs is love for yourself and your sensitivity. It can all feel like too much, too hard, and too overwhelming. It can even feel like our relationships are draining us. We wish it could all be magically easier. 

Well, I know that you do possess magic: Your sensitivity is yours to harness to live a life you love, with the ones you love. HSPs, remember your magic.

Are you tired of being confused and drained by love? Do you worry that you stray into codependence, one-sided relationships, or even pushing your partner away? Join Alane’s special “Is This Love?” HSP masterclass TODAY, February 2, 2024, and learn how to overcome your own roadbocks to love. Click here to sign up or learn more.

You might like:

• Ask Alane: Why Are Relationships So Draining for HSPs?
• 12 Secrets About Being in a Relationship With a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships — And How to Stop

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The post Ask Alane: How Do I Finally Find a Happy Relationship as an HSP? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Dear Alane, I am particularly sensitive to criticism and tend to remember negative comments or experiences — no matter how tiny — for years, sometimes decades. This seems to happen even when I try not to dwell on them. I’d be grateful for your advice on how to navigate this and any tips for HSPs like me looking to short-circuit their brain’s negative bias once in a while! —Happy HSP (usually!)

Dear Usually Happy HSP,

I have also suffered this extreme sensitivity to criticism my entire life, and it turns out highly sensitive people are often the most critical critics of all. We sensitive people notice so much, process so deeply about it, and have such strong emotional reactions, that we tend to tell people what we see, think, and feel. We just know how things could be better, right? But coming back at us, that criticism feels way too harsh.

It is the human condition to have a negativity bias — a tendency to have a stronger psychological response to negative events than positive ones, resulting in stronger emotions, a greater impact on our behavior, and even remembering negative events more than positive ones. As unpleasant as that sounds, though, it’s actually a strength. A negativity bias helps us see the truth and discover what needs to happen to make things better.

The negativity bias has served humans throughout evolution, and in some ways our sensitivity itself developed around it. Clans or families with highly sensitive members would be more likely to a) notice a threat, b) think carefully about it, c) have an emotional reaction to it, and therefore d) alert the community so they could take careful and appropriate action.

In other words: Negativity bias is our birthright, and sometimes even a gift.

Now you might be saying, “Alane, how does that have anything to do with sensitivity to criticism?” It does, my friends, because criticism hits us right in our negativity bias. We perceive criticism as a threat and our survival instincts trigger an outsized emotional reaction. The challenge is that these survival instincts do not serve us as adults in a modern society. They can actually harm us as you describe. 

It’s not easy to turn off these habits. I often feel pretty frustrated with the habits I’ve had my whole life that no longer serve me — especially my sensitivity to criticism. Recognizing that these quirks have helped me navigate a sometimes hostile world — you know, a world that isn’t designed by or for sensitive people — helps me find a place of gratitude for them, and serves as a foundation for reining them in. 

The good news is, it is possible to tame your sensitivity to criticism. It takes an effort, but it’s something all highly sensitive people (HSPs) are capable of doing. Read on for the four steps that make the biggest difference in dealing with criticism. 

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How to Handle Receiving Criticism

Here are four steps I recommend to help tame your sensitivity to criticism (and your negativity bias in general).

Step 1: ‘Embrace and Release’ Your Reaction

In fishing, not all fish are meant to be taken home and sometimes you have to “catch and release.” With emotions and habits, you have to go a little further — you have to embrace and release. 

How? Take that negativity bias, that sensitivity to criticism, that tendency to feel badly about yourself, that shame, each and every survival skill you developed, and THANK IT. To me it boils down to thanking my brain. You can do that by writing a letter, speaking out loud, or saying the words silently in your head. Here is a short note you can adapt to show gratitude for your own life and brain:

Dear Brain (Dear Shame, Sensitivity, Negativity Bias, Low Self-esteem),
Thank you so much for kicking in when I was young. You gave me a way to go with the flow. You helped me adapt some of my behavior so I was not as ostracized as I could have been. You showed me how to please others so I would have human connections. I could not have survived without you. I’m eternally grateful that you kept me alive and helped me survive. Now that I’m all grown up, I can take over. I love and bless you, and I don’t need you any more. I release you.

Will writing this one note fix your problems? Not on its own. It serves as an anchor for the inner work we HSPs need to do on this. Here are some ways you can do that when you catch your survival instincts harming you more than helping you:

• Welcome each one of your survival skills, such as your sensitivity to criticism, and write a little story about it. Examine in great detail all the times it has been a part of your life, both the good times and the not-so-helpful times. 
• Be generous and unpack it all — censor nothing! You can do this in a journal, with a therapist, or with a very trusted friend who is okay with a little “trauma dumping.” This method only works if you really give your young brain all the space it needs to feel heard and understood. In other words, be honest and be vulnerable. 
• Once you make your peace with each survival skill, you will be able to release it with love and gratitude. That’s when you’ll notice you don’t get so hurt by criticism.

HSP friends, this works. Psychological theory and research have tested it, and I have too, over and over again in my own life and with my clients. It works because it addresses your wounds and reframes how you think about criticism. 

Ever Wish You Could Take Time to Unplug and Heal?

All HSPs need to take time for ourselves in order to thrive — yet most of us almost never do. Instead, we focus on the needs of others. That’s how we end up feeling frazzled, on-edge, or constantly overwhelmed.

That’s why world-renowned HSP expert Alane Freund is offering this powerful, one-day-long online retreat for HSPs. 

You will experience the deep comfort and acceptance that comes from being in retreat among fellow HSPs, gain a treasure trove of tools, insights, and self-discoveries, and go at a restful pace to ensure you leave feeling truly recharged — maybe for the first time in years. 

Stop feeling overwhelmed and start to feel hope, confidence, and JOY in your sensitivity. Check out Alane’s Discovering Joy retreat for HSPs — 20% off if you register before Dec. 1. Click here to learn more.

Step Two: Dig into your sensitivity to criticism — and where it comes from

There are as many ways to be sensitive as there are highly sensitive people. That diversity comes first from everything that makes all humans diverse. But here I would like to talk about two very impactful psychological diversities that we all need to understand and embrace in order to thrive with sensory processing sensitivity, the innate trait that makes us highly sensitive. These two variables are quality of childhood and temperament: 

Quality of Childhood

Quality of childhood profoundly impacts HSPs because we are more affected by any environment than other people are. Thus, we are even more likely than the average person to be adversely affected by a difficult childhood. We are even more likely to be healthy and successful in life if we receive a “good enough” childhood. If you had a challenging childhood with adverse childhood experiences (violence, abuse, neglect, instability, or having substance abuse or suicide in the family) and trauma (which can even be neglect or “small” events that feel huge for you), then seeking professional help is not optional. It’s likely that many of your struggles — including sensitivity to criticism, but also other sources of stress — are being fueled in part by your upbringing. 

The good news is you do not have to be limited by your childhood. Instead, you can address and change those longstanding patterns. The best way to do so is with skilled, HSP-knowledgeable professionals, such as those at our partner BetterHelp.

Temperament

Temperament, like high sensitivity, is innate. We are born with a set of temperaments, and they will be with us throughout our lives, according to a widely accepted model of temperament created by psychiatrists Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas. It includes nine temperaments which each occur on a continuum: sensitivity, activity, intensity, persistence/frustration tolerance, adaptability, approach/withdrawal, regularity, mood, and distractibility. 

Every human, and every HSP, falls somewhere on a continuum from “more” to “less” of each of these temperaments. A great read if you want to know your own temperament profile is The Temperament Perspective by therapist Jan Kristal, who was mentored by leading HSP researcher Elaine Aron. Kristal teaches us to honor the individual temperaments of children and to also teach, socialize, and train them to manage their more extreme temperaments so they can function in the larger world. (Your own early childhood will play a big role in understanding your temperament because, as you were socialized, you learned to “tuck it in” and moderate your extremes so they are harder to identify as an adult.)

That said, a highly sensitive person with a temperament profile that includes lower frustration tolerance, a more negative mood, and possibly being more withdrawing (like me, as it turns out) will find themselves more impacted by negativity or criticism than those around them. Sometimes just acknowledging, “Yes, I am more sensitive to criticism, and I was born with attributes that help me but also make me that way,” can be very freeing and make it easier to let go when you do face critique. 

Step 3: Use the Science

Several functional MRI studies on highly sensitive people’s brains — such as this 2017 study led by neuroscientist Bianca Acevedo — thave demonstrated clearly that our high sensitivity causes us to think more, notice more, and feel more. This means that much less was meant by the criticism than you heard and felt. Your reactions to those comments may be significantly more intense than what was intended.

I have noticed that the things I hear that hurt my feelings are often nearly meaningless to the person who said them. Just have a look at the comments on my Google Talk — so many comments are lovely, and I can see I am really helping HSPs, but of course it was the critical ones that stuck out in my mind, and every one of them hurt my feelings. You’ve probably experienced this yourself on social media. 

But if I put my objectivity glasses on, I know that most people — especially those who are not highly sensitive — would shrug off such comments. I also know that people commenting online are not actually thinking about me. I know being a public figure trying to change the world puts me in harm’s way, but ouch. I have to remember that I’m thinking, noticing, and feeling much more than the average bear, and I need to practice detachment.

Have a question for Ask Alane? Submit your question here.

Step 4: Use this method to respond to criticism in a healthy way

My dear Usually Happy HSP, I also know some of those criticisms come from people you love, people you have to work with every day, and sometimes people with power over you. Those are the ones that can be the most lethal. The key, from this therapist’s perspective, is to allow yourself to have those hurt feelings, I mean really have them. And then use them. Here’s what I mean: 

• Get sad and mad, cry hard and yell loud, write unsent letters and many journal pages about how you feel and maybe even some negative stuff back to the criticizer. 
• Next, edit it all into three sentences that you can share with the person who criticized you. Begin with a question: “Do you remember when you said…?” or “Could we find a time to chat about your comment about…? I would like to ask some clarifying questions.”  
• Once you get started with your 3 statements, keep the focus on yourself. Tell the criticizer what you heard, and with non-judgemental language, tell them how you were impacted. 

This is wild, but when I gather up enough courage to do this process, it usually turns out one of four ways: 

1. They do not even remember saying it.
2. They know they said it but didn’t think it was even criticism. They are amazed that you feel that way and want to walk it back or help you in some way.
3. They said it and meant it, but not as harshly as you took it. It is something you need to work on, and they and you can agree to communicate about it more carefully moving forward.
4. They were critical and rude, and now you know that you have to have major boundaries with them. It is time to dial back your relationship and interactions and keep them at a surface level so the criticizer can’t sting you again. Since HSPs tend not to love surface level interactions, you will find yourself keeping more distance from them overall and that is for the best! 

I struggle to let these people go. I’m convinced that if I just did it differently things would be fine. I find some way to blame myself. It’s our nature to think this way. If you do the steps, carefully monitor your own biases and blindspots, then you will find the truth and your own right action. It’s not easy, but as we release toxicity, we create space for healing and love, both in ourselves (releasing our survival skills) and in our community (releasing the people who can’t be what we need.) 

The Opposite of Criticism

One final thought. With all this talk about negativity bias and sensitivity to criticism, we might have forgotten that HSPs are more reactive to positive input, too. We are more reactive than less-sensitive people, for one thing.

BUT, we are also more reactive to the positive than the negative!

If you don’t find this to be true in your own life (many HSPs tell me they feel negative much of the time) it’s because negativity has become a habit for you — probably one you learned from a not-so-great childhood. The four steps above can help change that. A highly sensitive brain fires more neurons and fires them more strongly for positive experiences, especially positive thoughts and feelings. Thus, your last assignment: Find beauty and love in the world and practice noticing and enjoying it. Turn up the corners of your mouth in a small secret smile and feel a little boost of endorphins. It works.

Blessings and breath,

Alane

Do you need a day to unplug and focus on yourself? I’m hosting a one-day, online retreat for HSPs. You will experience the deep comfort and acceptance that comes from being in retreat with fellow HSPs, gain a treasure trove of tools and self-discoveries, and go at a restful pace to ensure you leave feeling truly recharged. 20% off for those who register before Dec. 1! Learn more here.

You Might Like:

• Ask Alane: Why Are Relationships So Draining for HSPs?
• Ask Alane: Why Do I Worry So Much and How Can I Stop?
• Why Highly Sensitive People Sometimes React So Strongly to Criticism

The post Ask Alane: How Do I Deal with Criticism and Negativity as an HSP? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.