Growing up as a highly sensitive person (HSP), I often felt flawed, inferior, and overwhelmed.

I was told I was too sensitive and quiet, that I should speak up more, and make more friends. Like many HSPs, I was anxious at school because of the overstimulating noise, bright fluorescent lights, crowded hallways, and pressure to be like everyone else. I was deeply affected by anything even remotely sad — movies, books, or news stories about suffering — and I didn’t feel like I fit in.

Without realizing it, I used perfectionism as a way to cope with my high sensitivity and low self-esteem — but it only made things worse.

Turns out, I’m not alone. Many HSPs find themselves trapped in a cycle of perfectionism and overthinking — one that leaves us feeling anxious, on-edge, and perpetually exhausted. In fact, the side-effects of the perfectionism may hit even harder for highly sensitive people than others, because HSPs are wired to experience all emotions more strongly and are more susceptible to stress than non-HSPs.

Let’s take a look at why some HSPs are prone to perfectionism, why some HSPs seem immune, and the tactics you cam use to tame your own perfectionism — and overcome it once and for all.

Why Are HSPs Prone to Perfectionism?

Perfectionists and HSPs share many of the same traits. We tend to be conscientious, detail-oriented, and organized. While these traits can give us an edge in many situations, when they get out of control, they can harm us. It can lead to us worrying quite a bit about what others think of us, being very sensitive to criticism, and going to extremes to avoid being in situations where we might fail, look foolish, or have to try something new. We may want things to be predictable and have difficulty adapting to unexpected changes.

Criticism can be especially painful for HSPs, who are wired to process and feel things deeply. Perfectionism can be an attempt to protect ourselves from the painful experience of feeling like we’ve made a mistake or done something wrong. We may think if we can do everything right, we’ll be able to avoid criticism and unwanted attention. So, we set impossibly high standards for ourselves, expecting ourselves and our work to be perfect. We work incessantly and feel compelled to fix even the smallest of errors and imperfections.

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Perfectionism Is an Attempt to Fit In

Like me, many HSPs grew up feeling different and “less than” due to our heightened sensitivity. Perhaps you were teased or told you needed to toughen up, that you were too sensitive or cried too much.

Unfortunately, HSPs often get the message that their sensitivity is a deficiency or flaw, rather than the asset that it truly is. And as a result, we often feel inferior and “different.” So we may pour ourselves into work and achievements to prove our worthiness. Achievements become a way for us to fit in and be accepted.

Perfectionism Is an Attempt to Feel In Control

Underneath perfectionist thoughts and behaviors, there’s usually fear and anxiety — fear of failure, rejection, embarrassment, not being good enough, and so on. Often, these fears aren’t even conscious, but they can add to our feelings of overwhelm and anxiety. And those predisposed to perfectionism may respond by trying to control everything, wanting it to be perfect, and only seeing one “right” way to do things. HSP or not, we may become rigid and controlling because we feel anxious and overwhelmed.

This may be why some HSPs don’t seem to experience the perfectionism that others do: they accept that not everything is under their control. These HSPs may be more likely to take a stoic outlook toward disappointments, accept “good enough” in their own work, delegate more tasks to others, and even laugh at their own mistakes. This approach of taking a light touch in life may be one way that sensitive can bypass perfectionism — which can save a lot of grief.

The High Price of Perfectionism

Perfectionism may be an attempt to deal with feeling different, inadequate, and anxious, but it doesn’t work well for most of us — myself included!

Perfectionism adds a tremendous amount of pressure. It’s exhausting and sometimes debilitating, getting in the way of starting or completing tasks.

It can also diminish our self-esteem and damage our relationships. When we have unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others, we’re bound to be disappointed. No matter how hard we work, we can’t live up to our own impossibly high standards and neither can others. Often, we respond with criticism — we berate ourselves and others for not doing things perfectly.

And when we derive our self-worth from our accomplishments, we constantly have to achieve more and more, pushing ourselves to exhaustion and burnout. There’s no room for errors or flaws and no compassion for mistakes and imperfections. That’s why perfectionism is tied up with imposter syndrome and, at its extreme, work addiction — a dangerous condition that can end up harming your health and relationships.

When blinded by perfectionism, we may think we have to earn our worth, which means we’re always chasing external validation and never feeling good enough because we’ve set an impossible standard for ourselves.

We also tend to “play it safe” by sticking to things we excel at to protect ourselves from potential criticism and failure.

And while perfectionism can temporarily shield us from criticism and disapproval, it’s a stifling box to live in. Ultimately, perfectionism exacerbates rather than solves our challenges as sensitive people.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

5 Ways for HSPs to Tame Perfectionism

Perfectionism leaves us exhausted, overwhelmed, and feeling worse about ourselves, but we can moderate our perfectionist thoughts and behaviors so they work for us, not against our sensitive selves. Here’s how.

1. View your sensitivity as a strength.

Your sensitivity may make you different than the majority of people, but that doesn’t make you less than anyone else. Learning to embrace the positive aspects of high sensitivity, such as empathy, creativity, and deep thinking, can improve your sense of self-worth and help you rely less on external validation and achievement to feel good about yourself.

2. Practice tolerating criticism.

Criticism is a normal part of life, and try as we might, we simply can’t avoid it. To build up a tolerance for it, you can ask a trusted friend or family member to give you gentle criticism or feedback. With practice, the sting of criticism will lessen, and you’ll learn how to disregard criticism that’s mean or inaccurate and make use of constructive feedback without thinking less of yourself.

3. Reframe mistakes as opportunities rather than failures.

Everybody makes mistakes and experiences disappointment when things don’t go as planned. We can choose to see these as failures or we can see them as learning opportunities — precious times to learn and grow, and evidence that we’re taking chances and stretching beyond our comfort zones! A growth mindset, such as this, is a healthier and happier way to approach mistakes and failures.

4. Slow down.

As you know, we HSPs need more downtime, more time to transition from one thing to the next, and more time alone than most people. Making time for rest and refueling means we have to slow down, do less, and do things imperfectly. It’s hard to accept that we can’t do it all and do it perfectly, but slowing down improves the quality of our lives. Our mental health, physical health, and relationships all benefit when we set realistic expectations and take good care of ourselves.

5. Treat yourself with compassion.

Self-criticism can be a bad habit, something we’ve grown accustomed to, but it’s rarely helpful. It doesn’t tend to motivate us to do better, but rather it makes us feel hopeless and inept. Research shows that self-compassion, or being kind to yourself when you’re struggling, is associated with reduced stress, increased resilience, and the ability to cope with failure and criticism. To start practicing self-compassion, you can try comforting yourself with kind words or a loving touch, as you would a dear friend.

Unwinding perfectionist tendencies isn’t easy, but with small, consistent steps, it is possible to become more flexible, accepting, and self-compassionate. If you’d like to learn more, my new book The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Skills to Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism, Build Self-Esteem, and Find Balance is full of concrete exercises to help you overcome perfectionism, and learn to love your imperfect, sensitive self.

You might like:

• How to Let Go of Perfectionism as an HSP — and Strive for Excellence
• Are Sensitive People More Likely to Struggle with Work Addiction?
• Anxiety Hits Harder for Highly Sensitive People. Here’s Why (And How to Beat It)

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The post A Therapist Explains How Highly Sensitive People Can Tame Perfectionism appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I’ve known from an early age that I’m more sensitive than most people. I’m hard-pressed to get through a movie or church service without crying. Anything that sounds even remotely critical or accusatory causes me intense pain. Growing up, I was told I was too sensitive and I took things too personally.

The truth is, I feel things very deeply.

It turns out some of us are wired this way. Our nervous systems are extra sensitive to emotions, energy, sounds, light, and physical stimulus. We’re highly sensitive people.

Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

So, what is a highly sensitive person — and how do you know if you are one? Well, here are 10 signs that you’re highly sensitive.

1. You’re very emotional.

You experience emotions intensely — both the positives and the negatives. You cry easily. You react strongly. Sadly, this isn’t seen as an asset in the U.S., especially in boys or men. You many have been teased by others or internalized shame for being so sensitive.

2. You’re an exceptionally compassionate and giving person.

You’re a natural caretaker. You’re the first to respond when someone’s hurt or in trouble. You can sense others’ pain and respond with empathy. And you go out of your way to avoid offending or hurting anyone’s feelings.

3. You’re sensitive to criticism.

You think people are noticing and judging you when they probably aren’t. Criticism feels personal and painful. You can’t just “brush it off” like some people can. Instead, you try to avoid situations where you might fail or be criticized. As a result, you might stay in your comfort zone and don’t like to try new or risky things.

4. You feel alone, different, or like something’s wrong with you.

You recognize that you’re not like everyone else, but haven’t been able to pinpoint why. Other people notice your sensitivity, too. As a child, you were told to “toughen up” and “stop crying.” You were told that your sensitivity is a weakness and a burden. You try to fit in. You suit up in your emotional armor and try to bury your emotions, distract and numb yourself in order to cope with the flood of emotional and sensory input.

5. You’re more sensitive to external stimulation.

You pick up on all that’s going on around you. You find the sound of other people chewing infuriating, for example. You’re bothered by loud sounds, violent movies, and bright lights. You’re more likely to be sensitive to rough fabrics or tags in your clothes as well.

6. You overthink and worry.

You might overthink what should be a simple decision such as where to go out to dinner. You notice all of the details and possibilities, and it’s hard to screen out all the external stimuli, making it hard to make decisions. Sometimes you get caught up in rehashing the details and what-ifs.

7. You’re intuitive.

You can sense how others are feeling. You pick up the energy in the room. This can feel great when you’re around positive people, but you also feel negative energy just as strongly, which is draining.

8. You’re a perfectionist.

Your attention to detail and avoidance of criticism are components of perfectionism. You hold yourself to overly high standards and are self-critical when you don’t live up to these unrealistic expectations. Staying focused on goals and performance helps you push down your feelings in an effort to mask your sensitive nature.

9. You often get overwhelmed, overstimulated, and fatigued.

Dealing with all the emotions and stimulation that are coming at you is tiring. Similar to introverts, HSPs often feel drained when they spend time in busy, crowded places.

10. You’re probably an introvert.

Although not all HSPs are introverts, most are. (According to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, about 70 percent of HSPs are introverted — although extroverts can be highly sensitive, too!) Due to your heightened sensitivity to everything and everyone, it makes sense that you need time alone to replenish your energy.

What Helps Highly Sensitive People

Life can be challenging for highly sensitive people. Because you process all kinds of stimulation deeply, you can get easily overwhelmed — which can lead to fatigue and burnout. Here’s what will help you live a happy, balanced life:

• Look for aspects of  your sensitive nature that are an asset
• Remember you’re not alone and there’s nothing “wrong” with you
• Avoid negative people
• Limit exposure to overwhelming stimulus
• Be careful not to over-schedule yourself and take on too many activities and commitments
• Set boundaries with people who take advantage of your compassion
• Journal to help clear your head and make decisions
• Express your emotions through music, artistic endeavors, or talking to supportive people
• Relax through meditation, a hot bath, massage, guided relaxation, prayer, or anything that promotes a relaxed body, mind, and spirit
• Allow plenty of time alone or in quiet, calming spaces
• Give yourself the same love and kindness that you extend to others

Do you struggle with perfectionism and finding balance? Check out my upcoming book, The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Skills to Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism, Build Self-Esteem, and Find Balance. You can pre-order it on Amazon here.

You might like:

• 20 Self-Care Ideas for Highly Sensitive People
• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Absorb Other People’s Emotions?
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect?

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A version of this article was originally published on Psych Central. It is republished here with permission from the author.

The post What Is a Highly Sensitive Person — and Are You One? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.