When my daughter was 13 years old, her therapist recommended that she have a neuropsychological evaluation. She’d been irritable, having academic difficulties, and anger outbursts.

She received a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and her therapist was concerned with possible dissociative episodes. In other words, that she’d disconnect from reality.

From the evaluation, I didn’t expect to learn that my daughter had Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). She didn’t show signs of being hyperactive or having trouble sitting still. She could sit for hours and read a book, fully engulfed in the story. 

The doctor went on to explain that she had ADHD Inattentive Type. Those with this type have a high inattentive symptom, such as disorganization and distractibility, but do not often show hyperactive-impulsive behaviors (like being fidgety or not being able to sit still). So both boys and girls can “seem” very quiet and focused — even if their brain is in full-blown ADHD mode on the inside. 

Some ADHD Traits Overlap With High Sensitivity — And Vice-Versa

There are many stigmas about the different ways kids learn and interact, and it can feel like your child doesn’t fit in when they struggle to focus or are easily overwhelmed by their surroundings.

While around 9 percent of children have ADHD, many children do not. Instead, they are born with different wiring that makes them sensitive to their home or school environments, as well as to other settings, too. These children often exhibit a wide range of behaviors that can be difficult for parents and teachers to understand. So a child may be a highly sensitive child (HSC) and not have ADHD, even if it appears they have ADHD.

This is because an HSC’s nervous system absorbs more information from their surroundings than the average child’s nervous system. This can make them feel overwhelmed by their environment — whether that environment is a noisy classroom, loud family dinner, or large group of people. 

As a result, while some children are merely highly sensitive, others may end up being diagnosed with ADHD. However, the two can also overlap.

Regardless of whether a child receives a diagnosis, it is important to know how to understand and support your child’s needs. But first, let’s look at each in more detail.

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The Science Behind Highly Sensitive Children

Everyone is sensitive to some point, but some are more sensitive than others. Approximately 30 percent of people are born more sensitive than average, both physically and emotionally. (While around 40 percent of people are average in sensitivity, 20 percent are low in sensitivity.) Researchers refer to this trait as environmental sensitivity or Sensory Processing Sensitivity. And, not to worry — all three levels of environmental sensitivity are considered healthy and normal.

Children (and adults) who are near the high end of the sensitivity continuum are referred to as highly sensitive people, or HSPs. They tend to be deeply in touch with their physical environment, as well as to the emotions of others — they will experience them as their own. They’ll also pick up on subtle details others may overlook, or make connections between ideas that other people may not. Highly sensitive children will usually be affected by textures, noises, and other environmental factors that other kids seem to shrug off. Often, they are highly creative and empathetic, and many are highly intuitive and deep thinkers. Some researchers also believe that high sensitivity is linked to giftedness.

If your child is highly sensitive, they were likely born that way and developed it further in early childhood. They will be sensitive for life — however, as they develop, they can learn how to better manage overwhelm and overstimulation, regulate their strong emotions, and use their powerful sensitive mind to their advantage.

As a parent to a highly sensitive child, the best thing you can do is teach them to accept and validate their sensitivity, as well as help them understand why they experience things so differently from their non-sensitive peers.

Being sensitive can be positive in many ways, yet it can also be a challenge for both parents and children, particularly when they don’t understand why they feel things more strongly than others. Before we talk about the intersection between high sensitivity and ADHD, let’s look more at the characteristics of ADHD.

What Is ADHD?

If you’re the parent of an easily overstimulated child, you’ve probably wondered at one time or another whether your child has ADHD.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition. It is characterized by difficulty paying attention and sitting still, impulsive behavior, and hyperactivity. The symptoms of ADHD typically appear before the age of seven; however, they can emerge at any time during childhood or adolescence.

There are three types of ADHD:

• Predominantly hyperactive-impulsive
• Predominantly inattentive 
• Combined type

ADHD children are typically inattentive and impulsive at school, at home, and when among friends. They usually have difficulty listening to teachers in their classes or following instructions at home. Often, they misplace items (like toys and homework) and lose their temper quickly. These kids tend to be very active in an “overactive” way — fidgeting in their seats, squirming, moving non-stop — making them appear distracted, even when they’re trying hard to pay attention.

ADHD has many positive aspects to it, as well. ADHD children are often super energetic, enthusiastic, and excited about life. Their high energy makes them an enjoyable person to spend time with! They have a unique perspective on life and may approach tasks and situations with a thoughtful eye that encourages creativity and invention.        

Experts are not exactly sure why, but boys are more likely to be diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) than girls. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, boys are more than twice as likely to receive an ADHD diagnosis than girls.

Children with attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are often diagnosed because they’re distracted and unable to focus. However, it may be that their real problem is overstimulation — being around too many people, noise, or stimuli.

Some common signs of ADHD Inattentive Type, the kind my daughter has, are:

• Daydreams and becomes easily distracted
• Misses important details or makes careless mistakes on homework and tests
• Gets bored quickly and has a hard time staying focused
• Has trouble getting organized (for example, losing homework assignments or keeping the bedroom messy and cluttered)
• Doesn’t seem to listen when spoken to
• Avoids tasks that require a lot of focus
• Often loses track of things
• Is forgetful in day-to-day activities
• Has trouble following instructions and often shifts from task to task without finishing anything  

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

After my daughter’s diagnosis, my husband and I received various treatment recommendations. This included working with the school to create a 504 plan (a customized educational plan) to address her tendency toward inattention, anxiety symptoms, and classroom accommodations in hopes of decreasing stimulation.

It was a confusing time for all of us, as our daughter was a bright child that scored average (or above average) in cognitive, academic, and executive functioning. What did this new diagnosis mean? 

A few years later, I did a lot of research and realized that my daughter was, and is, a highly sensitive child. I had so many questions going through my head. Does my daughter experience ADHD because she is an HSC, or does she have ADHD, or could it be both? Nowhere in our 12-page neuropsychological document did “highly sensitive child” or “sensory processing sensitivity” appear. 

How ADHD Overlaps With High Sensitivity

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and being an HSC (Highly Sensitive Child) are different childhood challenges that can look very much alike, making it hard to pinpoint the exact cause of your child’s difficulties.

Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is no longer a medical diagnosis, but “ADD” is often used to refer to Predominantly Inattentive Type ADHD and its associated symptoms. Predominantly Inattentive Type ADHD (formerly ADD) does not present in the same way as the other two types of ADHD I mentioned above, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type ADHD and Combined Type ADHD.

The first step in determining whether your child has ADHD or if they’re a highly sensitive child is to understand what these two conditions are.

According to Dr. Elain Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Child, “in many ways, the two are opposites — those with ADHD appear to have the genes, behavior, and symptom criteria for the diagnosis of someone tending to be impulsive and unable to be affected by consequences that are even bad for them. On the other end, HSPs tend to ‘pause to check’ before acting, our depth of processing in action, and, thus, are highly conscientious. But again, there are three possibilities: It’s HS and not ADD, ADHD and not HS, or both.”

If you’re a parent whose child has been diagnosed with ADHD, I encourage you to ask yourself if your child might be a highly sensitive child instead.

Here are some questions to consider:

• Does your child struggle more with their emotions than most kids their age? 
• Do they experience stronger feelings and react more strongly to things around them? 
• Do they become overwhelmed more quickly and need more time to recover from those episodes?

ADHD and being an HSC are both very real. If you’re having a hard time determining the underlying cause of your child’s challenges, ask yourself the following questions:

• Are they frustrated by the things that seem easy for others?
• Do they have difficulty concentrating when there’s too much going on around them?
• Do they feel overwhelmed by many of the activities and demands of daily life?
• Are they easily startled by loud noises or unexpected physical contact?
• When faced with stressful situations, do they tend to have a “meltdown”?
• Do they often misread body language and nonverbal communication?

If you answered yes to these questions, it’s possible — even likely — that your child is highly sensitive.

Raising any child is challenging. But when your child has ADHD or high sensitivity, it’s easy to feel like everyone is trying to “fix” them or change them into something they’re not. It’s important to tune into what you think is suitable for your child — what they need and what works for them. Sometimes it can help to reframe the situation and think about what you do want for your child — not what you don’t. 

Every child is unique, and their potential is unlimited. As a parent, you may be worried about your child’s symptoms or behaviors. Or perhaps someone has already told you that your child has a medical condition or developmental disability. You may wonder what the diagnosis means for your child or how it will affect their life. Some are misdiagnosed or misunderstood. What matters most is that children receive the support they need to reach their full potential, including help (from you, teachers, and so on) with any challenges they may face.

And, most importantly, let your child know that they are loved exactly as they are. There’s nothing wrong with them just because they don’t fit into a box. They’re amazing and special, high sensitivity, ADHD, and all!

I have created a free Facebook group of like-feeling moms called Empath Mama, and I would love to have you join others like you for loving support and guidance.   

You might like:

• 3 Disorders Your Highly Sensitive Child May Wrongly Be Diagnosed With
• How Being an HSP and Having ADHD Collide
• Does Your Child Get Overstimulated at Birthday Parties? Here’s What to Do

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Is it ADHD, or Is Your Child Just Sensitive? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Many children are “sensitive” compared to other kids of the same age. This difference is often noticeable from birth, but sometimes a child’s sensitivity becomes more evident as they age. If you’re a parent who’s concluded that your child is sensitive, then what? Are you surprised? Alarmed? Overwhelmed? Probably.

The truth is, being “sensitive” is a normal trait. Studies show that sensitive children are more empathetic, conscientious, creative, intuitive, and deep thinkers. Sensitive children tend to feel things deeply, making them more emotionally reactive than other kids. High sensitivity isn’t a negative trait — it’s different from what most people experience daily, and for the better!

I happen to be highly sensitive myself. But if you are a parent who doesn’t identify as being highly sensitive, you might feel confused or frustrated with your child’s “sensitive” nature compared to other children. It’s understandable. We live in a world that doesn’t always make sense to us — and when we feel different from the norm, it can be easy to feel like we’re on our own. High sensitivity does not refer to a disorder or problem; it’s a personality trait in nearly 30 percent of the population and is equally common in males and females, including our children.

I want to stress that being highly sensitive is not a defect or something that needs to be “fixed” or “overcome” — it’s a biological trait! Your child’s nervous system is wired differently than the neuro-typical brain, resulting in hypersensitivity and more difficulty just being “still” in a busy, less-sensitive world.

You can learn to help your sensitive child thrive, and navigate the world, by understanding how their nervous system works and how to meet their needs. Don’t try to get your child to stop feeling or being so sensitive — that will interfere with their gifts and sense of who they are! Instead, focus on all the positive aspects that sensitivity adds to your child’s life.

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The Science Behind Sensitivity

Knowing the science behind being a highly sensitive person is important, because it can help you understand your strengths and challenges. Research has found that sensitivity is a natural and measurable trait with a genetic basis. The more we know about sensitivity, the better we can help our sensitive children excel in the world.

The umbrella term, environmental sensitivity, integrates existing terms, such as highly sensitive person (HSP) and sensory processing sensitivity (SPS). Environmental sensitivity is your capacity to process information from your environment. That said, sensitivity consists of two basic components: the ability to perceive sensory input from our environment, such as sound, smell, taste, and touch, followed by our ability to process information in a way that impacts our behavior.

The more sensitive you are, the more deeply you process information from your environment. Highly sensitive children spend more brain power on every detail they take in. This sensitivity gives them incredible gifts, like creativity, intuition, and intense empathy, and this contributes to why they get overstimulated — it takes longer to do some things, and they are cautious in new environments. Their brains need more time to process things, and they use more energy to do so, which makes them get fatigued easily.

Although we are all sensitive to some degree, some people are more sensitive than others. Research shows that highly sensitive people react more strongly when faced with adverse experiences but benefit particularly from positive experiences.

How to Tell if Your Child Is Sensitive 

So, you think your child is highly sensitive, but how do you tell? Is there a test? What should you be watching for?

Sensitivity is measured with a range of questionnaires, as well as observational assessments. There are questionnaires that psychologists have created to help parents figure out whether their child is highly sensitive. One of the most well-known is by Dr. Elaine Aron, who has published books about the topic. However, seeing a mental health expert may be best, as they can more accurately assess whether or not someone is highly sensitive.

But, in the meantime, there are definitely some factors you can pay attention to. For instance, a sensitive child is more aware of their surroundings and emotions, which can make them more prone to feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated. There are many ways to tell if your child is sensitive, but it’s important to remember that every child is unique.

Here are other signs to look for in your child to determine if they are sensitive. 

• They’re very empathetic. They may even be too empathetic sometimes, making them more prone to anxiety and sadness than other kids their age.
• They tend to be more uncomfortable than others in certain regards. For example, they may be more susceptible to rough or “itchy” fabrics or tags on clothing, being too hot, too sticky, too sandy, or in any other way uncomfortable.
• They’re very in tune with the world around them. They will notice the big and little things, temperature changes or small noises that other kids might not notice.
• They’re shy or quiet around new people. If your child doesn’t like to be around strangers and prefers to play with just one or two friends at a time, it could be that they’re sensitive to social interactions. They may feel uncomfortable talking with teachers or even with their family members.
• They cry easily. Sensitive children often have an intense emotional life, which can make them cry when things don’t go their way. If your child has a hard time keeping their cool when something upsets them, it’s likely because they feel things deeply and intensely.
• They need a lot of rest or “downtime” to recharge their emotional batteries. In addition to having trouble concentrating in noisy environments, they may also need more alone time than other kids.
• They may seem mature and insightful for their age. They will do this by asking thoughtful questions and thinking things through more so than others.

If you notice any of these signs in your child, it’s important not to get discouraged. These traits can develop over time, depending on the environment in which your child is raised. And with awareness and support, you can help your child thrive and embrace their sensitive side!

However, that said, it can still be challenging for you to parent your sensitive child — especially if you are not highly sensitive yourself. Here are some ways to do so.

Common Struggles of Parenting a Sensitive Child

Parenting a child with high sensitivity can feel like you’re constantly walking a tightrope — you’re trying not to overwhelm your child, but sometimes also wishing they would handle things better. Parents of sensitive children may express self-doubt about their parenting ability, feel exhausted from their child’s “big emotions,” or feel judged for having a child who seems “different” from others their age.

Finding the best parenting style for you and your child will make all the difference, as this will alleviate some stress, and really understand the needs of both yourself and your child.

Here are some practical steps to support you and your child through this journey.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3 Ways to Support Your Sensitive Child

1. Try “positive parenting” or “gentle parenting.”

“Gentle parenting” is an excellent approach for sensitive children. Strict discipline or tough love will not make a sensitive child “tougher”; rather, it will only damage their self-esteem and increase their sense of shame. Avoid shame with your child. Sensitive children have a high sense of justice and want to do the right thing. A sensitive child may be easily embarrassed or angry when they make mistakes. They want to be good people and do things right, and when they find themselves in situations where it seems like they’ve failed to meet those standards, it can be devastating. Keep this in mind when coming up with an approach to disciplining or creating consequences for your child’s behavior. 

2. Know their triggers, like what makes them angry or sad.

Really take time to think about your child’s triggers. What makes them anxious? What makes them happy? What do they love? Knowing these things will help you understand how best to support them when those triggers happen. This way, it won’t escalate into something worse than what it could have been if handled differently initially. 

3. Give them the time and space they need.

It’s important to give your child the space they need to express themselves in the way they know how: through emotion. By encouraging your sensitive child to express their feelings, you’re helping them learn how to navigate the world around them. They’ll understand that it’s okay to be “different” and that they don’t have to keep everything bottled up inside. Sensitive kids need to express themselves in a way that feels natural and comfortable for them, whether through music, art, movement, alone time, talking about their feelings, or what have you.

Similarly, make sure your child has plenty of downtime each day to recharge their batteries. This can be as simple as setting aside 15 minutes every night for some quiet reading time before bed or as involved as taking a one-hour walk in the park every afternoon after school with no electronics allowed. If your child is old enough, they can also do these activities on their own, and you can encourage them and make them a part of their daily (or nightly) routine.

Remember, ‘Normalizing’ Your Child’s Sensitivity Is Key

As a highly sensitive person raising a highly sensitive child, I see how crucial it is to normalize this trait so people can be comfortable with who they are — without shame or fear of judgment.  

We are still in the infancy of learning about the trait of high sensitivity. The more we can share, provide resources, and educate individuals it allows for appropriate well-being and acceptance. So please take the time to learn about this sensitivity trait and support your child’s development through appropriate ways of parenting them.

I am optimistic about the future of our sensitive children, who will make significant changes in our world. They are the ones who will hold people accountable for their actions and make sure that everyone is treated fairly and with respect. Sensitive children tend to grow up to be creative and empathetic, which can make them successful in any number of careers. They can pick up on social cues that other people miss, which can give them an edge in leadership or management positions, too.

I feel blessed and proud to be a highly sensitive person, and I’m also proud of my 22-year-old daughter, who is also highly sensitive. We struggled initially since neither of us understood what being highly sensitive meant. But through learning and support, we’ve come to thrive. And I know you will come to the same place.

I have created a free Facebook group of like-feeling moms called Empath Mama, and I would love to have you join others like you for loving support and guidance.   

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• 9 Mistakes Parents Make With Highly Sensitive Boys — and What to Do Instead
• The Difference Between the Highly Sensitive Brain and the ‘Typical’ Brain

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Tell If Your Child Is Sensitive (And What to Do About It) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Did you feel misunderstood when you were growing up as a highly sensitive child (HSC)? You may have been told you were too emotional, that you needed to toughen up, or any number of other things that made you feel less valid.

Much of the misunderstanding around highly sensitive people (HSPs) stems from cultural values and societal norms. Many adults who raised us didn’t display or discuss their emotions in front of us because it wasn’t “socially acceptable.”

Now, you’re parenting a highly sensitive child and might be finding it challenging. Each sensitive person is unique in their sensitivity, so it’s essential to become aware of your child’s particular sensitivities and accept them for who they are.

The Key Is Listening and Communicating in a Way That Empowers Your Sensitive Child

The key to a strong bond between you and your child is listening and communicating in a way that empowers them and supports their feelings of validation. Understanding your child — and their sensitivity — is an important first step in creating this bond. It’s not simple, and there may be some tough times, but it is worth it. 

As a parent, you’re faced with many important questions: Do I accept my sensitive child for who they are? Do I wish I could change them? How do I make sure my child knows I love them for who they are? How do I ensure they don’t feel left out or marginalized by society? You might try to “fix” them by removing certain stimuli from their lives or encouraging them to “get used to it.” While those decisions might make sense to you, they can be incredibly invalidating for your child.

In my upcoming book, The Sensitive Ones: Healing and Understanding Your Child’s Mental Health, I share the importance of acceptance and understanding our children for who they are.

“When children are restricted and forced to be someone they were not born to be, they start to lose confidence. Their self-worth is compromised, which causes an internal struggle with their true innate self. Internal struggles become external struggles. This is when we start to see mental illness, behavior issues, and addiction. Your child must know that they have support, as this is a part of Advocacy.”

Accepting Your Highly Sensitive Child Is Important, but Understanding Them Is, Too

The truth is, accepting your child and their sensitivity is important, but understanding it leads to a deeper level of validation. Acceptance is about you and your child creating and bonding over shared values and beliefs. It’s not only about you or your child; it’s about the connection and relationship between the two of you.      

My daughter is a highly sensitive person and she was a challenge as a child — it seemed that way because she was different from the other kids her age. The truth is, she was doing things her own way, but we weren’t sure what that meant when she was younger. I finally realized that understanding her differences was the first step to helping her fully develop into the person she’s meant to be.   

Accepting your child for who they are and how they process the world is important, but it’s not enough. You may accept your child, but if you don’t understand why they are the way they are, you may not be able to help them as effectively. Understanding leads to a deeper level of validation. Understanding allows you to focus on what matters rather than being distracted by what doesn’t. All that said, here are four ways to understand and accept your highly sensitive child.

4 Ways to Understand and Accept Your Highly Sensitive Child 

1. Put yourself in their shoes to better understand their temperament and personality.

The temperament and personality of your highly sensitive child are not things you can change, but rather things you can learn to understand to help them grow and feel validated. Highly sensitive children are born with these innate characteristics. Sensitivity cannot be “trained away” or “fixed,” so it is important for you to learn about the traits and how they work. 

Highly sensitive children have strong emotions, and they process experiences at a deeper level than most children (just like those of us who are highly sensitive adults). They are often introverted, thoughtful, creative, and empathetic — all positive qualities! They will be more deeply affected by events around them than their peers will. They will react emotionally to things you may hardly notice.

2. Keep in mind how stress and emotions affect them.

When a highly sensitive child feels stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, they will have a more difficult time coping than a less sensitive child. It is important for you to understand which situations cause your child stress. This can vary child-to-child, of course — they may get stressed over what to eat for lunch or overstimulated from the bright lights in their school classroom. And remember, it is not their fault that they feel overwhelmed in those situations. 

As a parent, you can help your child cope by providing validation, limits, and boundaries, as well as teaching effective ways of dealing with stress — whether that means taking them outside for a walk or giving them alone time.

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3. Understand that they were born with non-negotiable characteristics.

Just like you and I were born with certain characteristics that could not be changed or trained away at an early age, your HSC was also born with a set of unique traits. What’s true for one sensitive child isn’t necessarily true for another — one may be more prone to cry while another may nurture their creativity due to their increased sensitivity.

Your HSC may seem hard to understand, but if you want to make them happy, you must learn to relate to them and what interests them. They might love playing with intricate toys, reading books, or playing music, so make sure you nurture their hobbies.

4. Figure out their needs and then proceed accordingly.

According to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Child, highly sensitive children are born with a nervous system that is more finely tuned to their surroundings than most. Your highly sensitive child has a different brain and nervous system than the average child, so they need time to process and integrate information. In fact, HSCs have twice as many neurons in the prefrontal cortex (the area responsible for decision-making) as an average person. This means they are more aware of their choices and how they affect others. This can be challenging if they are constantly being told what to do. This is a struggle for highly sensitive adults, so you can only imagine what it’s like for a highly sensitive child.

When your HSC is overwhelmed, they may shut down due to anxiety, withdraw into themselves, or lash out at others. Therefore, it’s important to understand that they don’t need punishment, but rather, support in understanding who they are — and validating why their sensitivity is a superpower, not a detriment — and what makes them feel safe. Because the safer they feel, the more you’ll each understand and accept the other. You’ll see.

My forthcoming memoir, The Sensitive Ones: Healing and Understanding Your Child’s Mental Health, is available for pre-order and will be released April 12, 2022. It shares my account of motherhood, love, and fear — and how to deal with our sensitivities in relation to how the world treats us. 

You might like:

• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• What I’ve Learned as an HSP Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child
• 10 Things I Never Realized I Do Because I’m an HSP

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Better Understand and Accept Your Highly Sensitive Child appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Did you grow up in a family where people had healthy personal boundaries? Most of us have weak or absent boundaries because of the family dynamics in which we were raised. If you’ve never been taught personal boundaries, it can be a challenge to teach your children how to develop their own, especially if they’re highly sensitive. You can’t teach what you don’t know.

In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, Dr. Elaine N. Aron says, “Make good boundaries your goal. They are your right, your responsibility, your greatest source of dignity.” 

We all have unresolved trauma, learned behavioral responses and coping mechanisms that no longer serve us. Many of us are unaware of how these things affect us until we become parents. Once we’re faced with the overwhelming tasks of helping a child learn to name their feelings, regulate their emotions, and understand boundaries, we come to realize that our own boundaries are not well-defined.

When I raised my highly sensitive child, I thought she would be okay with no boundaries, because that’s how I grew up, and I was a good child. I followed the rules and had good grades. I was a good girl. However, my highly sensitive daughter experienced the lack of boundaries as a source of anxiety. She didn’t know what to expect from me regarding discipline or boundaries.

Establishing Clear Boundaries Will Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Develop a Positive Sense of Self

Knowing what’s expected of us doesn’t always come naturally. When a child doesn’t know what’s expected of them, they may feel anxious and unsure. Establishing clear boundaries and maintaining them consistently will help your child develop a positive sense of self. Setting boundaries and rules is an important part of effective parenting. You’ll build a stronger relationship with your sensitive child if your household environment is predictable, consistent, and clear.

If you didn’t have healthy boundaries growing up, it probably isn’t easy to say “no” when someone wants something from you, and it’s equally difficult to ask for what you need. This is even more challenging for the highly sensitive person because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. As parents, we sometimes cross boundaries ourselves in our attempts to fix things for our children. This is when boundaries can easily get blurred.

Believe me, I understand — it’s painful to see our children struggle in life. We love them and feel responsible for them, so it’s only natural to want to “fix” things and make things better. I did this often when my highly sensitive child was young. I didn’t want her to feel the disappointment I did as a child. Instead of trusting her and giving her the chance to figure out challenges on her own, I would jump in to save the day. I didn’t realize that I was causing, or at least exacerbating, long-term issues that we are dealing with now at the age of 21: anxiety, lack of resilience, trust issues, difficulty making decisions, and fear of others’ reactions.

Boundaries Are Important for Self-Worth and Self-Love

Once I studied self-love in 2014, I learned the importance of boundaries for establishing a sense of self-worth and a sense of self-love. Learning to set boundaries as a highly sensitive person made me more uncomfortable than I expected. (I found the blog post How to Actually Set Better Boundaries as an HSP to be very helpful.) Much of my identity was unconsciously defined by the desire to be liked, so possibly upsetting someone by enforcing a boundary didn’t sit right with me. 

Looking back, I realize that this was a side effect of low self-worth and not learning the importance of boundaries as a child. Once I learned about how important boundaries are, we started to talk about them as a family and apply them to our daily lives. This helped release some of my people-pleasing traits and, as a family, we worked on focusing on our own individual needs with less enmeshing of emotions.

One way to understand boundaries is to look at them as guidelines you set with others for what you find acceptable. You can’t control the behavior of others, but you can enforce your own boundaries. Having boundaries in place and understood by everyone builds trust and safety in relationships and families. This helps everyone know their place and feel safe. It’s essential to set both personal and child-related boundaries. Good parenting involves setting clear boundaries. Children who understand the consequences of their actions will have an easier time making the right choices. Here are some ways I’d recommend teaching your sensitive child to have healthy boundaries. 

5 Ways to Teach a Sensitive Child to Have Healthy Boundaries 

1. Heal your past experiences around boundaries. 

How we feel as parents is reflected in how we react to our children. The more we love ourselves, the easier it becomes to state our boundaries because we feel worthy. We also feel less guilty about doing so because we know that it’s best for all.

When we’re emotionally grounded and balanced, it’s easier to stay calm and peaceful in any given situation. The more we love ourselves, the more we can get in touch with our feelings and communicate with others from a place of openness and honesty.

2. Be an example for your child. 

The most important factor in raising children is leading by example. This is also true when teaching our children boundaries. Challenging emotions, like overwhelm, anger, and frustration, can be helpful guideposts as you work to discover when, where, and with whom to set boundaries. Naming your feelings — instead of pushing them away — sends the message that these feelings matter. 

• Practice saying, “No, thanks,” and nothing more. Many of us HSPs grew up being people-pleasers, so we need to practice saying no without explanation.

• Ask for alone time. Alone time is perfectly healthy, and it’s essential for maintaining your own identity and sorting through your problems (and a must for sensitive people!).

• Communicate discomfort. If someone has crossed the line with you, let them know by using phrases like, “Please don’t do that, it makes me uncomfortable” or “I don’t like it when you (use that word, touch me there, use that tone, etc.).” As a highly sensitive person, we are in tune with the emotions of others – even just by reading their body language. Remember that others may not have the same HSP awareness and Spidey-Senses, so voicing your discomfort is necessary to make boundaries clear.

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3. Be consistent, like by supporting their independence.

As parents, we typically do what we think is best for our kids. Unfortunately, this often means overstepping boundaries or inadvertently neglecting our own needs. We end up giving ourselves to them instead of creating space for them to learn how to give to themselves. This ultimately backfires when it comes time for children to act independently.

Supporting your child’s independence — instead of doing as much as possible for them — promotes a sense of responsibility and teaches them how to navigate social situations. This approach gives them the tools they need to forge their own way in life. Helping your child acquire these skills, and fostering their independence, encourages them to embrace challenges without fear. Your child will learn responsibility when you allow them to do things for themselves. Let them interact with the world so they can learn how to handle it themselves. Don’t be wishy-washy or let things slide. Be specific in both what you expect and what actions are not tolerable.

4. Keep things in perspective. 

If you or your child are experiencing strong emotions, it’s not the end of the world. Tomorrow is a new day. Sometimes we have a hard time maintaining boundaries even though we know it’s in our children’s best interest. This can happen because we are simply worn out — and we HSPs get worn out more easily than others. We all have hard times, moments when we give in. Nobody — and no parent — is perfect. Instead of beating yourself up for this, you might have to let yourself off the hook for letting them off the hook. Simply try your best not to make it a pattern. Keep learning from your mistakes and tweaking your approach to boundary setting until things get easier and you have solid foundations in place.

Also, don’t expect kids to get it right away. You may have to give your child a few friendly reminders before it sinks in that bad or unsafe behavior will lead to a consequence they do not want. Like anything else, you may try a few times before your child remembers what they are supposed to do. Make sure you do follow through on the consequences. Don’t be afraid to discipline your child or worry that they will be upset or angry with you. That’s par for the course, and in the long run, your sensitive child will benefit from the boundaries you establish to keep them healthy and happy.

5. Ask for help (which is not easy for highly sensitive people to do).

Don’t be ashamed if things are getting to be too much. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness — on the contrary, it takes courage. Find a babysitter or a house cleaner. Seek out therapy, or support from other parents. Take breaks, enjoy a walk by yourself or with your partner (nature is such a healer for highly sensitive people), talk with others, or journal. We often give in to our children during moments of overwhelm. Taking time for yourself to get grounded and centered on being the best parent you can be is a healthy expression of setting your own boundaries.

It is critical to instill boundaries between parents and children so that they can transform from dependent children to independent adults. By taking the time to set up and enforce these boundaries, you’ll be fostering your child’s development and establishing a healthy relationship with them that will benefit you both as your child grows.

Check out my new memoir (April 2022), The Sensitive Ones. where I share my experience of raising a sensitive child.

You might like:

• How to Actually Set Better Boundaries — the HSP Way
• What I’ve Learned as an HSP Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child
• How Unhealed Trauma Affects Highly Sensitive People

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post How to Teach a Sensitive Child to Have Healthy Boundaries — And Change Their Life Forever appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

It’s that time of year again — the holidays are around the corner, and with them comes all the hustle and bustle. Holiday parties, shopping marathons, travel to see your relatives — it can all be too much for the average person. But for the highly sensitive person (HSP), it’s more than too much — they might find themselves struggling to cope with the extensive list of preparations, obligations, and traditions that come with the season. The constant stimulation of shopping, decorations, concerts, time off, and extra time with the people you love can take its toll on HSPs. 

As a highly sensitive mom, I want to create the perfect holiday experience every year. Most holiday movies or TV shows portray the season to be perfect, with lots of smiling faces and laughter. But these portrayals don’t reflect reality and can leave people disappointed. However, when you feel calm and tame your overwhelm, you’ll be able to create a holiday that is perfect for you and your family. Yes, HSPs can survive the holiday, and here are four ways to do so.

4 Ways to Navigate the Holidays as an HSP

1. Put your needs first, as hard as that may be.

The holidays are a time to connect with family and friends. But they’re also a time when everyone is busy planning parties, traveling, decorating, baking, mailing cards, etc. As an HSP, you may feel guilty saying “no” to any of these activities, but you must consider your own needs first so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

Being an HSP means that you can get burned out quickly. It’s easy to get sucked into the whirlwind of gift-giving and end up feeling like you’re spending too much money, giving too much time, or doing too much for others. The answer? Boundaries. I have worked very hard over the years to create boundaries around this time of year so that I can enjoy the season without getting run down.

How to put yourself first:

• Ask for help. This is something that I still have trouble with! When our families are involved in gifting, parties, or even just holiday dinners, it’s easy to feel pressure to step up and help. Determine your capacity for helping before accepting the offer.
• Give yourself permission to say “no.” You don’t have to attend every family event or social gathering. If you’re feeling tired or overwhelmed, don’t feel guilty about skipping it. Find something else you would enjoy doing, like reading a book by the fireplace in solitude.
• Reserve time for yourself. Don’t cancel your plans with yourself to spend more time with others. To stay grounded when life is spinning out of control, practice self-care and find your balance in the things you love. 

• Have a “trigger list.” Triggers are external events or circumstances that may produce very uncomfortable emotions. Be aware of your triggers and develop coping strategies. Here are some examples from my holiday trigger list: too much to do, feeling tired, hungry, thirsty, long lines, whiny kids, small talk, and feeling pressured to attend events. From your list, develop an action plan of ways you can comfort yourself when your triggers come up. Here are some ways I comfort myself: take a bath, rest, journal, call a friend, or take a walk. 
• Create space for yourself. Even if creating space means getting up just 15 minutes earlier than everyone else so you have some quiet time before everyone wakes up, do it if that is what’s best for your sensitive self. You may even want to consider spending a few hours alone during the day — time that isn’t filled with holiday parties or events, that is. If this seems impossible, try planning ahead by doing something relaxing, like getting a massage or watching an uplifting movie.

2. Stick to your routine, which helps HSPs thrive.

Since you have a heightened awareness of your surroundings as an HSP, it’s easy to let unfamiliar activity overwhelm you. By staying true to your usual schedule, you will stay grounded and better able to handle the increased activity. Just remember that it’s okay to take time for yourself between activities. For example, going from one party to another with little rest in between is not a good idea as an HSP — and can also lead to the dreaded “HSP hangover.”

It might feel like there’s no time left for self-care or that everything must change during this special time of year. Yet your routines will help you stay grounded among the chaos of the holidays.

Some ideas to keep your routine intact:

• Stick to your usual morning routine. No matter what, stick to your usual morning routine — whether this means getting out of bed early, meditating, or exercising. This way, you won’t feel so overwhelmed by all the things you have to do as the day goes on.
• Overall, have you and your family stick to their usual routines. Put your kids back on their normal bedtimes, meal schedules, and daily activities if they’re not already in a routine. This will help them feel more grounded amid all the holiday hoopla. You might be tempted to give them extra leeway this time of year, but don’t! Give them structure and stability, even if they don’t seem like they want it or need it. It’s good for them, trust me.
• Maintain your bedtime routine. Going to bed at a particular hour has many benefits, including better sleep quality and better health. And we highly sensitive people need our sleep (all that overstimulation catches up with us!) Be sure to get enough sleep this holiday season.  

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3. Have realistic expectations about the holidays.

We tend to put so much pressure on ourselves to create the “perfect” holiday — especially since we highly sensitive types often feel responsible for other people’s feelings. We want our kids to be well-behaved and we expect the meal(s) to be delicious. We want everyone to get along and to be surrounded by all our loved ones. Yet we don’t always get everything we want, and this can lead to feelings of disappointment, sadness, or even anger.

I love the holidays because I get to spend time with my family and enjoy traditions that are meaningful to me… even though, as a highly sensitive person, they can also be overwhelming.

Here are some ideas for staying connected with others:

• Volunteer together. Volunteering for a cause that is close to your heart can help keep the spirit of giving alive. There are many opportunities available around the holidays to volunteer your time and energy, from helping underprivileged children to feeding the homeless.
• Take walks in nature and/or go on a hike with family and friends. When you get back from your walk or hike, you will feel refreshed and ready to focus on what matters most: Family!
• Call your parents/grandparents/siblings/friends. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives that we don’t realize how much someone else might miss us. Give someone you love a call today!

The holidays are supposed to be a happy time, but sometimes we get so caught up in our own heads — or the overwhelming stimuli around us — that we forget why we are celebrating in the first place!

4. Get organized so you can actually enjoy the holiday season.

Find ways to plan ahead so you can reduce stress and avoid overwhelm this holiday season! This means making lists and setting priorities — whether it’s getting your shopping done early or making sure your kids have everything they need for school.

Here are some tips to start getting organized:

• Plan. Whether you use electronic tools (like Google Calendar or Outlook) or a simple planner with pen and paper, make sure your schedule is clear and plan for time with family and friends, as well as work-related events. And alone time! Don’t forget that!
• Make a list. Make a detailed shopping list and stick to it. Having too much on your mind will only add to your stress level during this busy season. If you set out to buy specific items and stick to your list, you’ll reduce your stress level while accomplishing what you need to get done.
• Let go of your HSP perfectionism. You don’t need to make every holiday meal from scratch; this season is about enjoying each other’s company, not creating masterpieces in the kitchen! Relax and don’t be afraid to use shortcuts that allow you to enjoy more time with loved ones.
• Focus on what matters most. You don’t have to do everything — especially during the busy holiday season! Make a list of your priorities and start working down the list, one by one. If something doesn’t fit into your schedule, let it go! 

My favorite holiday technique is to be in the moment. As a highly sensitive person, it can be an overwhelming time of year, but it is also full of joy, which is what we need to remember to focus on.

I have created a free Facebook group of like-feeling moms called Empath Mama, and I would love to have you join others like you for loving support and guidance. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• For Highly Sensitive People, the Holidays Can Be Too Much
• 8 Things All Highly Sensitive People Need to Survive the Holidays
• ‘Sorry, Not Sorry’: 9 Ways for HSPs to Stop Apologizing

The post 4 Ways to Navigate the Holidays as a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

My highly sensitive child (HSC) is now a 21-year-old. She was a challenging baby, a sassy toddler, and a wise kindergartener. In third grade, we started noticing some unusual behaviors in her: aggression toward me, verbal outbursts, school avoidance, stomachaches, and headaches. We brought her to the pediatrician, where she received her first of five mental illness diagnoses: generalized anxiety disorder, characterized by persistent anxiety and worrying, as well as worse-case scenario thinking (and overthinking). This appointment was the start of our mental illness journey.

We spent seven years in the mental health system believing our child was struggling with multiple mental illnesses. I didn’t fully accept this; I was searching for alternative reasons for our child’s struggles. 

When my daughter spent six months at an Inpatient Residential Treatment Facility, I started to focus on myself. One day, I was in a metaphysical store looking for crystals that might support my transformation and healing. I was talking with the owner and explaining the struggles my daughter was experiencing. The woman said, “I think your daughter is an empath.” I had never heard that term. She went on to explain what it meant to be a highly sensitive person (HSP) and empath — which, for all intents and purposes, are one and the same. When she said that an empath “feels the emotions of others as if they were their own” I had an aha moment. She was defining us! These words brought clarity to our past, present, and future.

As a child, I was called timid, shy, reserved, and sensitive. But I had never heard the term highly sensitive person or empath until 2014, as I stood in that metaphysical store. That moment changed the direction of everything for myself and my child.

Learning How to Parent a Highly Sensitive Child 

When my daughter returned from her stay at the facility, we went in a different direction with her care, beginning a holistic journey towards supporting her as a highly sensitive child and empath — a sensitive empath, if you will. She didn’t have a disorder or mental illness. Instead, her nervous system was overwhelmed, and she felt the emotions of all of those around her. Being misunderstood or misdiagnosed can cause long-term issues, like trust, low self-esteem, shame, and anger. We have a trait, not a disorder.

This new direction opened us up to teachers, healers, and different modalities. Now, we’re both living life as healthy HSPs. My daughter still has challenging days, but she has developed other coping skills to support herself. She has a healer instead of a therapist. If she’s feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated, she uses flower essences and meditation instead of medications. It is a beautiful space to be in — a place of self-acceptance vs. denial of your true self.

Motherhood is always challenging. But as an HSP parenting an HSC, we feel everything on another level: emotions, smells, and sensations are all amplified. We experience parenting through a different lens, a lens of feeling deeply, being in tune with others on another level, and having a sense of compassion that is overwhelming and wonderful. With this awareness, I want to share some of my tips for parenting a highly sensitive child.

7 Tips for Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child

1. When they get overwhelmed, have ways to calm yourself down, as well as your highly sensitive child.

As an HSP parent, you may feel overwhelmed by the stress and sensory overload present when raising children, and from noise, clutter, multitasking, tantrums, and arguments. Unfortunately, stress can often amplify emotions and lower your ability to reason appropriately. 

You can handle stress better by learning to calm yourself down with relaxation methods and strong communication skills for when you feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. Also, I’m not against using earplugs or headphones to dull out some of the noise from our children. This is very helpful for us HSP parents, and can be helpful for highly sensitive children to use, as well.

When my HSC daughter would get upset, I would respond with equal force. But it didn’t solve anything and only made things worse. One day, after a particularly loud argument, I decided to try a different approach. I started to whisper or speak quietly instead of yelling. This took her by surprise, and it got her attention. She began to use her quiet voice in response to me. I have used this in other scenarios, too; instead of yelling over the noise, I’d bend down to her eye level, speak calmly in my soft voice, and ask questions to communicate emotions. This accomplished so much more than yelling ever did.

2. Ask for help — there is no shame in it and will help you feel less overwhelmed.

I expected to enjoy parenting. It’s been a source of great joy in my life, but it has also drained me. As a mom, it’s easy to get stuck in the daily hustle and lose sight of yourself. 

When I decided to become a stay-at-home mom, I expected the days to be enjoyable — instead, I  found it isolating and overwhelming. So after talking with my spouse, we decided I would work part-time, which helped balance my life as a mom with work. It’s crucial to advocate for yourself so you don’t feel depleted. Even if you take one or two days each month, you have a break to reset, take care of yourself, and avoid burnout and anxiety or depression.

In 2019, I attended a workshop with Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person and The Highly Sensitive Parent. At it, she shared the following: If you must choose between spending money on child care or on college, spend it on child care, as this will make it easier for you to be a better parent.

It’s important to know yourself well enough to see what you need to feel happy and balanced. Getting help for yourself is a sign of strength, not weakness. It’s all about understanding and acknowledging what you need, like someone to pick up your child if you need some alone time or or delegating some tasks to other people.

3. Practice self-care (it’s not just a buzzword!).

“Self-care” is not just a buzzword; it is crucial for HSPs. We need time alone to refuel, to center and ground ourselves. Unfortunately, caring for ourselves is often neglected because we are so focused on caring for others. It’s important to remind yourself that you need to attend to your own care. Here are some of my favorite self-care practices:

• Epsom salt bath
• Journaling
• Meditation
• Taking a nap
• Grounding myself, such as focusing on my breathing, carrying a grounding object (like a crystal or stone), being present in nature, sitting in sunlight, standing like a tree with my feet planted firmly on the ground while stretching my arms upwards

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

4. Join a community of like-minded people.

Being part of a community is essential for well-being. Find or create an understanding group of moms for support. This should be a safe space to vent and share experiences. Being an HSP can make you feel like an outsider in groups of other moms. Some do not understand your extra sensitivity or the level of intensity and emotions highly sensitive children experience. But some support is better than no support. 

I found the most support when I was gathered in community with other women, which is why I created Empath Mama. Another trusted community is the Highly Sensitive Refuge Facebook group, which has been a lifesaver.

5. Remember: You aren’t your child’s feelings. 

Allow your child a safe space to feel their emotions and validate what they are experiencing. As a sensitive person, we can easily take on our children’s emotions, and they can feel like our own. Our parental instincts also lead us to try to make everything better. 

However, be aware of how this could lead to a codependent relationship: I’m not okay unless you’re okay. (Note: HSPs tend to be prone to codependency.) I often jumped in to “fix” a situation so that my daughter didn’t have to feel sad or disappointed. But now, I believe this didn’t allow her to trust herself and led her to become an adult that didn’t know how to regulate her own emotions.

6. Listen to your intuition — always.

For highly sensitive people, our intuition is a vital part of us. So listen to your inner wisdom and that of your child. We all have that inner wisdom, that sense of knowing, the gut feelings that guide us through our challenges and experiences. We just need to be silent and listen. 

For so long, I listened to the guidance of others, doctors, friends, and family. They meant well, but they didn’t fully understand the needs of my child. My daughter knew what she needed, but I often overshadowed her intuition with what I thought was right. Listen to your child, as they know what they need and they will teach you how to raise them. For example, when my daughter was 14 years old, she felt that she would thrive more in an online school environment. We hesitated to support her decision, but we let her make her own educated choice and it ended up being a great fit for her.

7. Practice acceptance — of who you are, as well as who your child is.

Accepting yourself for who you truly are, not the person others say you should be, is essential. When you are coming from a place of self-acceptance, you’re setting an excellent example for your child. Most importantly, accept them for who they are, not who you expect them to be or hoped they would become. 

There was a period when I mourned the loss of the child that I thought my daughter would become. My pushing her to be someone else may have caused some of her anxiety. I wanted my daughter to be more active and sociable, but she preferred staying at home and reading. I was always aware of the negative way I was perceived by others when I was a child, so I wanted my daughter to be different from me.

However, I learned this was a mistake. When we don’t feel accepted for who we are, we feel disconnected from others and from ourselves. This disconnection can cause long-term emotional and mental issues. I now accept her fully, as I accept myself, and as all of us who are HSPs should do.

“Sensitive children are also more affected by the moods of their parents — for example, anxiety. You can imagine the vicious cycle that can create.” –Dr. Elaine Aron

Being an HSP, empath, and mom is challenging, but it also brings beautiful gifts. We have the ability to feel full of joy and love on another level. I understand what you’re going through, and I want to support you. 

I have created a free Facebook group of like-feeling moms called Empath Mama, and I would love to have you join others like you for loving support and guidance. 

You might like:

• 10 Secrets About Raising a Highly Sensitive Child
• Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
• 4 Common Ways Highly Sensitive People Are Misunderstood

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post What I’ve Learned as an HSP Parenting a Highly Sensitive Child appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.