Lacie Parker, PsyD, Author at Sensitive Refuge

6 Holiday Problems Only HSPs Will Understand

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Wed, 24 Dec 2025 12:00:00 +0000

Between gift shopping and endless amounts of small talk, the holidays can be a challenging time for HSPs. But scheduling in alone time can help.

When you think of the holidays, what comes to mind? Perhaps images of Christmas trees, menorahs, snow, and lights? What about holiday movies, caroling, and cups of our favorite steaming beverage? Or perhaps, feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, and chaos? Chances are, if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you’re familiar with all the above. That being said, there are certain problems around the holidays that HSPs often face. Here are some common ones.

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6 Holiday Problems Only HSPs Will Understand

1. All the pressure, from gift shopping to endless amounts of small talk

Most people hold the holiday season near and dear to their hearts. And while the holidays are associated with feelings of joy and harmony, this can paradoxically lead to greater pressure for things to be perfect. This is even more true for HSPs due to our people-pleasing nature.

Unfortunately, the pressure of the holidays can often exacerbate our anxious thoughts and feelings. What gift should I give this person? What if someone else gives it to them? What if they don’t like it? Ugh, another paty I need to attend? I’m so exhausted, but I don’t want to disappoint anyone… They expect me to be interesting while making small talk? How do people do that? Okay, time for me to open this gift– I need to make sure I show them I like it, especially since everyone is watching me. Was my reaction big enough? Was my “Thank you, I love it” good enough? What if they don’t believe me and think I’m grateful and I upset them?

HSPs want to do our part to make everyone’s holiday experience the best it can be. But this constant pressure can start to weigh on us and detract from our enjoyment of the holiday season.

2. Having to engage in uncomfortable conversations, like “Why are you still single?!”

Most everyone is familiar with the cliché of the family fight during a holiday dinner. Well, clichés are often clichés for a reason. And even if they’re an exaggeration, many folks can relate to engaging in, or at least witnessing, difficult conversations during the holiday season.

Perhaps there’s something about the merriment that makes your older relatives wonder when you’re going to settle down and get married, have children, get a promotion or another job, develop a cure for cancer… These questions can be awkward and exhausting, especially for us HSPs, who don’t do well with uneasy situations. Not to mention, heated debates about controversial topics, such as politics, religion, even masks and vaccines. Unfortunately, over a year after the 2020 election, we’re still just as divided as ever. And simply by being in the room among these arguments, HSPs can feel the tension to our very core. Speaking of which…

3. Being emotional sponges and soaking up everyone’s emotions

Between the holiday fights, the screaming children, and everyone’s overall energy, the holidays can be an emotional time. This is challenging for HSPs to navigate, as we are emotional sponges who soak up other people’s feelings. And because all the holiday parties and time with family means more interaction with people, subsequently, HSPs are more susceptible to emotional contagion. (We also have to watch out for emotional vampires who can suck all our energy from us!)

Not to mention, because the holidays are so centered on togetherness and family, this time can also highlight loneliness and exacerbate feelings of loss. Indeed, after almost two years of the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us will be missing our loved ones. Feeling all these feelings can be overwhelming for us HSPs since we’re already emotionally sensitive.

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4. Experiencing way too much environmental stimulation

Due to our sensory processing sensitivity, HSPs are deeply impacted by our environment, making the holidays a particularly strenuous time. Since many of us travel to visit our loved ones, we are outside of our familiar HSP sanctuary. This can be problematic not only because we are in a space that isn’t our own, but also because we have little to no control over factors such as lighting, temperature, scent, noise, and visual stimulation of the area, all of which can significantly contribute to our sense of ease (or lack thereof).

Even if we stay in our homes, when relatives come to visit, we are still giving up control of our environment when they bring in their belongings, don’t clean up like we would, and don’t follow our household rules, even if unknowingly. Further, the holidays mean more get-togethers, which means more time spent outside of our homes, once again, in environments outside of our control. This much time away from our HSP sanctuaries leads to overstimulation.

5. Having our schedules change

HSPs thrive having a solid schedule. So when our routine is altered in any way, we are likely to feel thrown off-balance. Traveling for the holidays is time-consuming and leads to jetlag, or at the very least exhaustion from the journey. Since we will have a lot on our holiday to-do list — such as buying gifts, wrapping those gifts, decorating, going to get-togethers (plus time spent getting ready), and preparing for hosting and cleaning up afterwards — we will likely have less time for our usual self-care activities. And with so much to do, sleep will likely be compromised, which is even more essential for HSPs. All of this results in overstimulation.

6. Just too much to do overall

Speaking of holiday to-do lists, there is simply too much to do over the holidays. All the parties, people, celebrating, travel, and small talk — these can all be an HSP’s worst nightmare. On top of all of this, typically there isn’t adequate time for HSPs to be alone and decompress as we so desperately need to. Our poor sensitive nervous systems are overstimulated and stretched beyond our limits without time to slow down, rest, and recharge, resulting in an “HSP hangover.” And when we are feeling miserable like this, it steals away from what is supposed to be the joy of the holiday season.

Ways to Combat Holiday Stress

Given these holiday problems HSPs are likely to encounter, it is important that we take care of our sensitive souls as best as we can. Here are my therapist-recommended tips on how to best take care of yourself during the holidays.

Prioritize sleep. Getting enough sleep is crucial for HSPs since our nervous systems need more rest from the overstimulation we experience. Do your best to make sleep a priority by setting boundaries about when you will call it a night and how early you are willing to wake up in the morning.
Schedule in alone time to do a restorative activity. The constant to-do of the holidays can lead to overwhelm, especially given how much of it is spent with other people. Try to schedule in alone time to decompress while engaging in a restorative activity, such as reading, taking a bath, or meditating. It’s important to remember that we can’t be all things to all people — it’s okay to set boundaries, even during the holidays.
Try to adhere to your normal schedule as much as possible. Although it’s basically inevitable that the holidays will interfere with our usual routine, it is worth it for HSPs to make an effort to adhere to our schedules as best as possible. This helps to ground us and provide a sense of normalcy.
Give yourself permission to excuse yourself. When the going gets tough, you don’t have to stay! If someone tries to engage you in a conversation you don’t want to have, politely change the subject or tell them that topic is off-limits. If there is too much stimulation around you, find a place to destimulate alone (perhaps a bathroom, an empty bedroom, or outside).
Take advantage of the holiday coziness. Some aspects of the holidays seem as if they were made for HSPs, given the sense of coziness they provide. Light your favorite candle, wrap up in a warm blanket, listen to the crackling of a fireplace, enjoy a cup of hot chocolate or apple cider, or bundle up for a walk in the snow.
Utilize holiday movies for get-togethers. With the abundance of get-togethers, it is nice when we can make them more low-key. Watching movies is a less stimulating activity, and most holiday films are HSP-friendly, as most are not known to be action-packed or violent (unless you’re one of those folks who counts Die Hard…) Some favorites include It’s a Wonderful Life for a hopeful message, Elf for a good laugh, and The Muppet Christmas Carol for nostalgia.
If traveling, bring objects that remind you of home. Because traveling means we won’t be in our HSP sanctuaries, bringing items from our homes can help ground us and provide a sense of calm. This might include a cherished photo, a relaxing essential oil, or your favorite foods.
Have a buffer day. Since most of the holidays are dedicated to being with others and doing activities, before you go back to work, try to set aside a day to just be. (You’ll probably have an “emotional hangover” and will need this alone time.) This means if you are traveling, arrive home two days before you resume your job in order to provide yourself with a buffer day. This gives you more time to readjust, unpack, run errands, do chores, plus breathe and relax.

The holidays are a special time of year, but they can also bring stress and unique problems for HSPs. Learning how to get through them as a sensitive person is essential in being able to access the joy of this season.

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A Highly Sensitive Person’s Brain Really Does Make Decisions Differently. Here’s How.

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 10:38:36 +0000

Highly sensitive people like to think things through instead of making rash decisions — but it’s more complex than it sounds. Here’s why.

“You know it’s not real, right? It’s just a movie!”

I often hear some variation of this when someone is trying to convince me to watch a horror movie. Yes, on a rational level, I do know that it’s “just a movie” and not real. However, there is part of my brain that, well, doesn’t.

That’s not to say that I have a poor grasp on reality, or can’t tell fiction from real life. On the contrary, I do recognize that the monsters, gore, violence, and scary stories present in horror movies are only real in the cinematic world.

Yet for me, the horror doesn’t stay contained within the screen — my mind makes it feel real due to factors like having a heightened threat response and depth of processing.

You see, as a highly sensitive person (HSP), my brain works differently than that of a non-HSP. I also see this phenomenon happening with my HSP clients in psychotherapy. Indeed, these neurological differences impact our decision-making process, in everything from what movies we decide to watch (or stay far away from!), to how we interact with others, to how we live our lives.

What Makes HSPs Different?

Highly sensitive people, who make up nearly 30 percent of the overall population, experience what researchers refer to as sensory processing sensitivity. Due to the heightened sensitivity of our nervous systems, this amplifies seemingly every aspect of our lived experiences, from how loud noises sound to how strong our emotions feel.

One common way to define the experience of HSPs is through the DOES acronym, coined by sensitivity expert Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person. DOES stands for: Depth of Processing, Overstimulation, Emotional Reactivity/Empathy, and Sensing the Subtle. Indeed, these factors also offer an explanation as to how HSP brains make decisions differently from our less sensitive counterparts.

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How HSP Brains Make Decisions

Now, let’s break down the DOES acronym and explore what it means, as well as its impact on decision-making when it comes to HSPs.

Depth of Processing

The HSP Brain: The HSP brain is wired to process everything on a deep level. Indeed, research indicates that HSPs experience more activity in brain regions associated with depth of processing, reflective thinking (including self-reflective thinking and reflective thinking in response to emotional stimuli), cognitive control, and awareness.

Further, HSP brains also show greater reward response, resulting in increased motivation. Researchers hypothesized that this mechanism was a survival strategy in that deep processing of environmental stimuli helped HSPs prepare, and implement, an appropriate decision when the time came.

Impact on Decision-Making: The way our HSP brain processes information deeply means, first and foremost, that we sensitive folks take our time to make decisions. Far from impulsive decision-makers, HSPs need adequate time to truly think through whatever it is we’re pondering, carefully weighing each pro and con. This may also look like integrating various aspects of knowledge when making a decision.

For instance, we may draw on our past experience and first-hand experience, research professional opinions, and reach out to friends about their insight, all while comparing and contrasting each option. This may also mean that it takes us longer to integrate new information, as well as come to an actual decision.

While non-HSPs may find such tendencies to be overly cautious, HSPs’ depth of processing contributes to a conscientiousness in decision-making that ultimately helps us feel more secure and grounded in our decision.

To this end, researchers found that HSPs tend to do best at making decisions through a deliberation method (i.e., thinking through the problem thoroughly) as opposed to an implementation method (i.e., focusing on finding a concrete, practical solution), suggesting that the former is how most HSPs excel when addressing issues. That previously-mentioned reward response likely plays a role here, in that our brains are naturally motivated to think deeply when making a decision.

Overstimulation

The HSP Brain: The HSP brain tends to have greater activation in the amygdala, which is the area of the brain responsible, in part, for feeling overstimulated. More specifically, the amygdala is associated with the emotions of anxiety, fear, and stress, or those typically involved with the fight-flight-or-freeze response.

Impact on Decision-Making: Research shows that when the amygdala is activated, we tend to make decisions that are more impulsive. This is due to what’s known as the amygdala hijack: the rational, thinking part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) goes off-line to make way for our amygdala to kick into high-gear. Although this process can be rather frustrating, it originally developed as a survival mechanism in order for us to bypass our thinking process when a quick decision needed to be made.

HSPs’ tendency to not only become overstimulated easier, but also reach that overstimulation threshold faster, means that we are especially susceptible to our fight-flight-or-freeze response taking over. That’s the reason why we tend to react differently when feeling frazzled than we otherwise would when we’re able to engage in our natural deep processing.

This is also why we are more likely to make immediate (and sometimes regrettable) decisions when feeling overwhelmed — our brains are trying to get us to escape to safety as soon as possible! Returning to the horror movie example: If I were (accidentally) exposed to a horror movie, I wouldn’t take my time to process the decision. My overstimulation would immediately become too much and I would get out of there!

Obviously, making impulsive decisions due to overstimulation is far from ideal, especially since HSPs value making a well-informed decision. This is why it is vital for HSPs to engage in good self-care, have strong boundaries, and develop a coping skills toolkit to turn to in cases of emergency. These strategies help to combat potential overwhelm, keeping us at our best when making decisions.

Emotional Reactivity

The HSP Brain: The HSP brain is one that is wired to emphasize our emotional experience. More specifically, studies, like the ones I mentioned above, have found that HSPs have greater neural activity in areas involving emotional memory, stress control, emotional processing, and preparing for action in response to emotionally-evocative stimuli.

Further, HSP brain activity has also been shown to be associated with intricate memory processing. This, along with our depth of processing, can help us remain calm while engaging in emotional systems, researchers suggest. After all, just because we feel emotions strongly doesn’t mean that we can’t successfully navigate such experiences!

Impact on Decision-Making: Having a strong emotional experience means that HSPs are more likely to factor in our feelings when making a decision, as opposed to attempting to ignore, or suppress, our emotions. This may look like making a decision that comforts our emotional experience (like deciding to engage in some extra self-care when feeling sad), addressing the emotion itself within our decision (like addressing our loneliness by reaching out to a friend), using information from the emotion to act accordingly (like setting a boundary upon feeling angry), or even simply feeling our feelings in order to process them before we move forward with our decision.

Emotional memory also plays a significant role in HSPs’ decision-making process. Essentially, sensitive people are more likely to use our memories of emotionally-significant events, including what happened and what we learned from it, when making decisions. For instance, we may remember how we felt guilty when we did not act in alignment with our values. This helps us to learn that it does not feel good to ignore our values, and to consider our values when making decisions in the future.

Or, we may remember how confident we felt after receiving praise from our boss on the project we were working on. This helps us to remember how good it feels to succeed, and to decide to put in similar effort in the future.

Empathy

The HSP Brain: Our HSP strength of empathy is reflected in our neurology. Indeed, the HSP brain has greater activity in regions involved with self-other integration, social processing, and, of course, empathy. More specifically, HSPs’ neural activity is associated with detecting, and interpreting, the emotions of others.

Researchers believe that this is part of the mirror neuron system. As the name suggests, these neurons (or, messengers within our brain) activate when we witness the actions of others. This helps us not only to learn by observing, but also to intuit others’ internal state, a core feature of empathy.

Impact on Decision-Making: Given HSPs’ high levels of empathy, we are much more likely to be considerate of others when making a decision. This could look like involving others in the decision-making process (especially when the decision involves them), deciding to avoid consuming stories that display suffering (like turning off the news for gruesome stories or refusing to watch horror movies), making a decision to show kindness to someone (like holding the door open for a stranger or being supportive to a friend who is having a bad day), or ensuring your decision does not hurt others (like refusing to vote for politicians and policies that infringe on others’ rights).

Sensing the Subtle

The HSP Brain: As the very name suggests, sensory processing sensitivity entails being better able to sense the subtle. More specifically, there is more neural activity in regions involved with attention, integration of sensory information, as well as with high-order visual processing and detecting minor changes in stimuli.

Some researchers believe this means that HSPs are more likely to attend to, notice, and integrate subtle changes around them. Thus, this ability may contribute to being more ready to act when faced with a threat.

Impact on Decision-Making: The HSP ability to detect subtle information plays a role in our decision-making process by taking this information into account. For instance, we may decide how to respond to someone given the faint details in their body language. Or, we may decide what road is the safest to travel down (and which ones we should avoid) given the subtleties of our options. Or, we may decide which job feels best to us based on the distinctions between the different environments, such as people’s energies, lighting, and layout details.

HSP, how do you notice your sensitivity playing a role in your decision-making? Comment down below! (As for me, I’ll decide to continue to stay far away from horror movies!)

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Can You Tell When Someone Is Lying? You Might Be a Highly Sensitive Person

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Mon, 14 Jul 2025 09:23:02 +0000

Nearly 1 in 3 people are wired to be sensitive. Are they also human lie detectors?

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

For those of us that identify as highly sensitive people (HSPs), this question feels almost less like a hypothetical and more like a reality. That’s not to say that we’re flying around saving the world as masked crusaders (after all, that would probably take too much of a toll on our sensitive nervous systems!). Rather, HSPs have an innate ability to determine when someone isn’t being honest. This skill is so acute that highly sensitive people — the roughly 30 percent of the population who are born more physically and emotionally sensitive — have even been dubbed “human lie-detectors.”

So, what is it about HSPs that grants us this superpower? And, is it truly a superpower, or is it a curse?

Why Are Highly Sensitive People ‘Human Lie Detectors’?

HSPs’ lie-detection ability is part of our sensitive nature. More specifically, the answer lies in how the sensitive brain is wired. One of the leading theories of sensitivity, advanced by Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, is that sensitive people are actually wired at a brain level to process all information more deeply. That allows sensitive people to notice details that others miss — like the tiny hint of a “tell” on a liar’s face — and make connections that other people don’t see.

That brain wiring also gives rise to three specific traits that nearly all highly sensitive people share, each of which contributes to their ability to spot lies and intuit what others are thinking:

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1. Depth of Processing

Depth of processing is the defining characteristic of highly sensitive people. It entails taking in and reflecting more upon information around us. This is why HSPs tend to have active imaginations, makes us careful decision-makers, and also makes us more prone to anxiety! When it comes to noticing lies, our depth of processing allows us to think about and integrate the details of what is going on around us, helping us to process what others may not internalize. For instance, we may notice differences in the elements of what someone just said compared to their original story, how their current speech pattern differs from their typical presentation, that the level of detail they provide seems like too much or too little for the context, and their excessive use of filler words (e.g., “um,” “like,” “uh,” etc.), all of which could alert us to a lack of honesty.

2. Empathy

HSPs are known for our high levels of empathy. This is largely due to greater neural activation in brain regions that host our mirror neuron system, i.e., what allows us to intuit others’ internal state. This, in turn, also helps us to better determine the emotional cues that the other person is giving off. For example, we might notice a sudden shift in someone’s emotions, emotional cues that don’t quite add up (such as inappropriate emotion to the context, or being overly-animated in their emotions), or even a blatant lack of emotions. These emotional signs can point to someone’s dishonesty.

3. Sensory Intelligence

Because of their deep processing, sensitive people pick up on more subtle details of the world around them. Andre Sólo and Jenn Granneman, the authors of Sensitive, and the creators of Sensitive Refuge, refer to this ability as sensory intelligence. “Sensory intelligence means being more aware of your environment and doing more with that knowledge,” they write in Sensitive. “You may pay more attention to sensory details themselves (like the texture of a painting or a missing bracket in a line of code) or their implications (it rained yesterday, so it’s going to be muddy when I go on my walk). You could call it being tuned in.”

When it comes to people, sensory intelligence “tunes us in” to how others present through such areas as body language and tone of voice, as well as when shifts arise. For instance, we may notice how someone’s tone of voice gets a little softer, their eyes dart to avoid contact, their arms are crossed to appear more closed-off, or their movements fidget or freeze up. This is true even when the fluctuations are slight enough for us to not notice on a conscious level– our sensitive nervous system is still able to pick up on these subtleties in a way that allows us to know that something is not quite right.

Together, these three traits do indeed make highly sensitive people “human lie detectors.” It’s not that we’re 100 percent accurate — we’re not — but we do have a high accuracy rate, and often notice a lie while everyone else is still fooled.

Is It a Blessing or a Curse to Know When Someone Is Lying?

At first glance, you might assume that being a human lie-detector is solely a positive, given that it does sound like a superpower. However, it’s also not without its difficulties, given the gravity of what this entails.

The pros and cons of sensing lies include:

Sensing lies can help us prioritize healthy relationships (and leave toxic ones)…

A relationship that is filled with lies is obviously far from healthy. When we’re able to determine who in our life is more honest, then we are better able to establish how safe and trustworthy that person is. Indeed, emotional and mental safety are crucial in the health of a relationship. Conversely, when we determine that someone is prone to lying and therefore not to be trusted, this helps us to know that this is a relationship to leave behind, if possible. Or, at the very least, to set strong boundaries and create distance with this person if they are someone who you cannot completely avoid, such as a coworker.

…But, catching people in a lie can make us feel conflicted.

Catching someone in a lie is, well, awkward. Typically, we are left with one of two choices: either go along with the lie and pretend we don’t know the truth, or confront the person on their dishonesty. Neither of these are great options, to say the least. If we go with the former option, then this can reinforce the trap of people-pleasing, which HSPs are already prone to, making us believe that we are not allowed to stick up for ourselves. If we go with the second option, then we have to engage in confrontation, which is very difficult for HSPs given our compassionate nature. While being so direct with someone can be beneficial in helping us advocate for ourselves, it does take a lot of mental and emotional energy to do so (and will likely require a lot of self-care afterwards).

Sensing lies can alert us when a new boundary is needed…

Boundaries can be hard to set, especially for HSPs. That being said, sometimes we need a bit of extra motivation in order to properly set those boundaries that we need. When we know someone is lying, that is a very clear and compelling reason to set a boundary. This can make us feel more validated not only in our need to set a boundary, but also in the act of setting that boundary and reinforcing that boundary.

…But we could be made to second-guess our intuition.

Intuition is a huge strength for HSPs — this is what aids us in determining when someone is lying. Yet when we use this intuition to confront someone about their lies, there’s a chance that they will continue lying by denying their initial dishonesty. After all, if someone is willing to lie in the first place, then they are likely also to lie about their dishonesty. This is a form of gaslighting, as it makes us question our reality. If this happens often enough, especially with someone who is an important person in our life, we may start to second-guess our intuition, trusting our own selves less as a result.

Knowing the truth helps us to take the best possible care of ourselves…

In order to properly take care of ourselves and honor our sensitive needs, we need to be grounded in reality and know what the truth is. This is especially vital when people try to tell us lies about ourselves– such as how no one likes us, how we are perceived negatively, or even exaggerating the impact of a mistake we made. These types of lies are common among narcissists and emotional vampires, who often target HSPs due to our kind and caring nature. By being able to catch these lies early on — and therefore dismiss them instead of internalizing them – we are able to keep our distance and keep ourselves in a healthier headspace.

…But it can be overwhelming to be a human lie-detector.

The deep-processing brains of HSPs means that we are more vulnerable to overwhelm and overstimulation. Oftentimes the source of this is through our sensory experience – lights that are too bright, noises that are too loud, fabrics that are uncomfortable – as well as feeling our emotions so deeply. Dealing with these every-day stressors is already a lot; add in the piece of noticing when others are lying, and that overwhelm can become too much. This is further exacerbated when we feel obligated to call out the other person on their lie, as this is a tiring process as well (remember: HSPs don’t like conflict!). All of this combined can feel like too much for us sensitive ones.

Being a human lie-detector is a double-edge sword. Fellow HSP, do you believe this ability is a superpower, or a curse? How have you noticed it impacting you? Comment down below!

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For Sensitive People, Self-Compassion Is the Most Radical Act of All

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Wed, 09 Jul 2025 08:00:00 +0000

Nothing is more powerful than the act of turning your love inward, toward yourself.

If asked to describe the quintessential traits of any highly sensitive person (HSP), undoubtedly, “compassion” would be at the forefront. Indeed, HSPs are known for our kind and empathetic dispositions. Being emotional sponges, we literally feel what others feel, making compassion second nature to us.

However, for most of us, it’s much easier to exhibit compassion toward others than it is toward ourselves. We live in a world that largely promotes perfectionism and self-judgment, which is the perfect recipe to cultivate the voice of our inner critic (although, according to our inner critic, we’re probably not following the recipe correctly). Unsurprisingly, this can result in feelings of shame and inadequacy, which can subsequently lead to mental health struggles, including depression, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, eating disorders, and substance abuse.

When faced with such issues (or really, with any challenge associated with living in this world), self-compassion can be a powerful remedy, especially for HSPs. As a psychotherapist, I encourage my clients to cultivate self-compassion for this reason.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the act of taking your desire to alleviate suffering and turning it inward toward yourself.
In her book Self-Compassion, prominent research psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff says that self-compassion consists of three key elements: (1) self-kindness; (2) common humanity; and (3) mindfulness.

Self-kindness is when we treat ourselves with the same benevolence we would a friend, as opposed to harshly castigating ourselves. This is the opposite of our inner critic, which is that internal negative voice that berates us and tells us we’re no good. When experiencing a difficult moment, self-kindness could look like telling yourself, “I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. You’re not wrong for feeling this way. You’re trying your best.”

Common humanity is holding in mind that certain life experiences are universal, or at least well-understood by many others. Knowing this can help us feel less alone and alienated in our suffering.

Finally, mindfulness is often defined as nonjudgmental present awareness. When we are mindful of our current experience, we can better assess how we are feeling and what it is we need, i.e., how we can best show compassion toward ourselves without overidentifying with, or repressing, our emotional experience.

Now that we have a better understanding of what self-compassion is, let’s discuss what self-compassion is not. Neff highlights that self-compassion is not self-pity or a woe-is-me kind of attitude. While self-compassion holds the difficulties we may be facing with empathy, its emphasis on common humanity helps to ground our suffering as a shared experience, rather than considering our suffering to be unique and greater-than.

Further, Neff stresses that self-compassion is not self-indulgence, in which we make excuses for ourselves. A fear of implementing self-compassion is the risk of becoming lazy or stagnant. However, having no motivation or goals for oneself is not kind, as that would prevent us from becoming our best selves. In fact, research indicates that individuals who have self-compassion set goals that are just as high for themselves as those who are lacking self-compassion — but are less tough on themselves when their goals are not met.

How is Self-Compassion Different than Self-Esteem?

Self-compassion is not one and the same with self-esteem; the two have important differences.

First, by its definition, self-esteem requires us to believe that we are superior at something, as the esteem comes from being better than average. However, it’s mathematically impossible for all of us to always be superior, meaning we may be prone to delusion about some of our abilities in comparison to others; this is known as the self-enhancement bias.

Second, other findings indicate that self-esteem is resistant to change, which is why most programs designed to bolster self-esteem don’t actually result in a significant improvement. At the same time, self-esteem can be very fragile to external events, fluctuating depending on whether or not our outcome was a success or failure.

Finally, too much self-esteem can have negative consequences, leading to behaviors and attitudes related to narcissism, anger, aggression, and prejudice. Unsurprisingly, this type of unhealthy self-esteem can also lead to defensiveness when given constructive criticism, as well as being less likely to take personal responsibility when appropriate.

Although there is no denying that self-esteem is correlated with achievement, evidence suggests that achievement causes high self-esteem, not the other way around. Additionally, many of the positive outcomes, such as happiness, optimism, and having a positive disposition, associated with having high self-esteem, are equally as associated with having self-compassion.

Because self-esteem is a state of mind, it is difficult to “fake it until we make it,” especially for HSPs, who are highly attuned to authenticity. The fact of the matter is, sometimes there will be things we’re just not good at, or we mess up, and that’s okay.

For example, let’s say that you are a student and value achievement; you typically perform well in school and receive good grades. However, you did poorly on your latest exam. When operating through the lens of self-esteem, there could be a few different outcomes: since this grade is at odds with what your self-esteem informs you about your self-image (i.e., that you are superior in intellect), you could argue with your teacher or professor that they made an error in grading. However, this would be denying the reality of your current situation, instead passing the blame. You could also take this one passing grade to mean that your intellect is not as superior as you believed it to be, that perhaps you are actually stupid, ruminating on your poor grade, letting your self-esteem take a blow since it is reliant on your achievements.

Conversely, if operating from a lens of self-compassion, you might first comfort yourself for the difficult emotions you’re experiencing (“It makes sense that I’m feeling upset right now; getting good grades is important to me”), validate and make sense of the occasion while also putting it into the greater context (“This isn’t like me to get this type of grade, but it was a particularly difficult test and I didn’t study as much as would’ve been beneficial”), and identify what it is you need to move forward (“I will speak to my teacher about the questions I missed and make sure to study more next time”).

Self-compassion relies on action, i.e., how we speak to and care for ourselves, rather than a belief. This means you don’t have to fake anything like you might with self-esteem. In my experience, both personally and with my clients in psychotherapy, I have found self-compassion to be an easier pill to swallow than self-esteem.

In a recent qualitative study that interviewed HSPs, all participants cited self-compassion as a contributor to their overall well-being. Indeed, self-compassion has several benefits across multiple domains, as described in further detail below.

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5 Ways Self-Compassion is Revolutionary for Sensitive People

1. Self-compassion protects us against negative mental health outcomes.

According to research studies, self-compassion appears to help prevent or reduce negative mental health outcomes. For example, self-compassion can lead to lower levels of difficult emotions (such as sadness, stress, etc.). Similarly, self-compassion reduces the likelihood of ruminating over negative or stressful social events, diminishes our engagement in perfectionism, and reduces our fear of failure, lessens our stress when our ego feels threatened, and can help people cope with adverse experiences.

Moreover, self-compassion is inversely associated with mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, stress, body shame and dissatisfaction, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), suicidality, and psychopathology in general. This is likely due to self-compassion’s ability to reduce our feelings of inadequacy, as well as our tendency to self-criticize, both of which are related to the development of mental health issues.

Further, self-compassion leads to greater distress tolerance via the ability to distance ourselves from our negative thoughts, and can even promote psychological healing and growth after traumatic events. This is especially important to HSPs, since, according to Dr. Elaine Aron in her book The Highly Sensitive Person, HSPs who experience difficult or adverse events while growing up are more vulnerable to developing mental health struggles later in life.

2. Self-compassion promotes psychological well-being.

Self-compassion doesn’t only prevent negative mental health outcomes; it goes above and beyond by promoting positive mental health and increasing psychological well-being. Indeed, having greater levels of self-compassion is associated with greater subjective happiness and joy, optimism, gratitude, emotional intelligence, personal initiative, curiosity, intellectual flexibility, social connectedness, positive emotionality, and life satisfaction.

There appears to be several reasons for these outcomes. First, self-compassion is related to having greater psychological resilience in which we experience less extreme emotional reactions and less difficult emotions, experience more acceptance, are better able to take an objective and healthy perspective, and can acknowledge our own responsibility. Second, self-compassion can lead to greater emotional flexibility, which allows us to respond to experiences in emotionally appropriate ways and return to our baseline mood within a reasonable amount of time. Finally, self-compassion promotes our ability to validate our emotional experience without trying to suppress our unwanted thoughts or emotions, ultimately letting us work through our emotions more effectively and providing the foundation for a healthier relationship with our emotions. According to Dr. Aron, HSPs tend to thrive more so than non-HSPs when we have this positive psychological foundation.

3. Self-compassion promotes interpersonal well-being.

Self-compassion can lead to better and healthier relationships with others. Research has found this to be true for both romantic partnerships and friendships, in addition to making conflict situations more successfully dealt with. This is likely due to self-compassion’s promotion of authenticity, as well as the greater likelihood of apologizing and repairing when necessary. This is imperative since supportive relationships are crucial for the overall well-being of HSPs.

4. Self-compassion promotes healthier habits.

Self-compassion has been shown to be related to health-promoting behaviors. Studies indicate that self-compassion helps to increase movement and nourishing eating while decreasing smoking. When we are kind to ourselves instead of beating ourselves up and considering ourselves to be a failure, it’s easier to bounce back after a setback instead of giving up.

Additionally, self-compassion is associated with a greater sense of autonomy, competence, and self-determination. And it is also related to greater personal initiative, the desire to reach one’s full potential, less motivational anxiety, and less procrastination. This is believed to be so because self-compassion focuses on mastery goals (i.e., mastering an objective for the intrinsic reward) over performance goals (i.e., being able to perform an objective well for the extrinsic rewards).

5. Self-compassion promotes optimal self-care.

By now, most of us know how vital it is to engage in self-care. Especially as HSPs, we are more susceptible to our cup running low and feel it more deeply when we approach a state of burnout. Thankfully, self-compassion helps to prevent burnout and compassion fatigue. In an interview discussing her new book Fierce Self-Compassion, Neff describes how fierce self-compassion is action-oriented, along with its three components: providing for our needs, protection, and motivation.

Providing for our needs looks like prioritizing whatever it is we need in that moment (even if it means saying no to others), protection looks like setting boundaries, and motivation means changing and improving our behaviors when the time calls for it (while also accepting ourselves unconditionally). This is a recipe for optimal self-care, as we are listening to ourselves and taking the necessary action(s).

Research shows that self-compassion is not a dispositional trait, but rather, can be learned. This means that self-compassion is accessible to everyone. In the next section, you’ll find some ways you can bolster self-compassion.

7 Ways HSPs Can Build Self-Compassion

1. Create a self-compassion mantra.

Neff recommends creating a self-compassion mantra to recite during difficult times. Unlike most mantras, this is not a phrase you don’t believe to recite with the purpose of making you believe it. For many HSPs, who value authenticity, this can actually make us feel worse.

Instead, the purpose of this mantra is to recognize the reality (and normalcy) of suffering and to provide comfort. The mantra should include all three aspects of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Neff’s personal mantra is: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”

Mine is: “This is a moment of suffering and hurt. My pain is valid and I am not alone in my suffering. May I be kind to myself in this moment; may I be gentle and understanding with myself; may I give myself the compassion I need.”

Feel free to use either of these as the basis for your mantra, or create your own.

2. Learn a loving-kindness meditation.

Loving-kindness is a type of meditation in which you silently repeat a series of phrases to yourself to promote a sense of warmth and friendliness toward the recipient of these phrases. Typically, you start with yourself, then someone with whom you have a positive relationship (e.g., partner, family member, friend, chosen family, companion animal, etc.), a neutral other (i.e., an acquaintance), someone you have a more difficult relationship with (not so difficult that this retraumatizes you, but difficult enough to be complicated), and, finally, all beings.

The phrases you recite are: “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be at peace. May I live with ease.” Some prefer to use the phrases: “May I be safe” and/or “May I be free from suffering.” Find which phrases resonate with you. If you prefer a guided meditation, Insight Timer is a free app that has many loving-kindness meditations to choose from, including by Neff herself.

3. Identify your inner critic and inner best friend.

We all have multiple narratives running through our mind. Some of these are harsh and cruel, while others are kinder and comforting. The former can be considered our inner critic, while the latter can be considered our inner best friend. By identifying our internal narratives as these roles, this helps us to make sense of our inner dialogue, create distance between ourselves and shame (and other such negativity), and cultivate greater compassion for ourselves. This compassion can also be extended toward the inner critic, as there is a purpose behind this narrative that is rooted in past trauma; it is trying to be helpful, but is no longer succeeding in doing so.

Additionally, when we have a name for our inner critic, we can more easily ask them to be silent; similarly, we can ask our inner best friend to speak up more frequently. Naming these parts of yourself can be as simple as “inner critic” and “inner best friend,” “good” and “bad,” “positive” and negative,” or you could even give them a human name, one that symbolizes their respective narratives. The dialogue between your inner critic and inner best friend would also be a good subject to explore in therapy.

4. Write a love letter to yourself.

Another exercise recommended by Neff is to write a compassionate letter to ourselves. She instructs us to first mindfully identify an aspect about ourselves (or issue we’ve been dealing with) that has resulted in difficult emotions or caused our inner critic to get fired up.

Next, we access our inner best friend, and write a letter to ourselves from their point of view about said aspect or issue. How might your inner best friend approach this from a compassionate stance? How do they feel about what you are experiencing and the distress it’s causing you? Do they see you in a different light, or are they able to realize that you are only human and inherently worthy? What words of encouragement do they have for you?

After writing the letter, take some time before re-reading it so that when you do return to it, the words can sink in. Revisit it as often as needed.

5. Engage in self-care and boundary-setting.

This is the action aspect, the fierce self-compassion, as Neff refers to it. To truly show ourselves compassion, we need to care for ourselves as we would a loved one. This will likely involve the self-care basics, including getting enough sleep, nourishing yourself with food and water, moving your body, finding social support, and participating in activities that relax you and bring you joy. Additionally, this looks like setting boundaries — saying no to activities that will deplete your battery, letting others know that you will not tolerate being treated poorly, and so forth. Setting boundaries isn’t necessarily easy, but essential for self-care.

6. Ask yourself validating questions.

For most of us, there is a clear history that has led us to develop certain insecurities or pain points. If we can lovingly keep this in mind when we’re currently experiencing pain, this can help us work through our pain in a more self-compassionate manner. As such, there are certain questions we can ask ourselves to bring our experiences to this light, thus validating our pain.

First, we can ask ourselves: “Knowing what I do about myself (including my trauma/pain history, everything that has happened to me), does it make sense that I would be struggling with this? Does it make sense that I would be feeling this way?” Almost always, the answer will be yes. Assuming the answer is in the affirmative, we can then follow up with the question: “Given that it makes sense, what would be helpful in this moment?” By asking ourselves these questions, we can validate our struggle with compassion while also identifying how we can move forward.

7. Seek out psychotherapy to help you heal.

I admit I may be biased here, but I truly do believe that psychotherapy is one of the most beneficial tools HSPs have for our healing. Sometimes, our inner critic is so second nature to us that it can be difficult to determine when our internal dialogue is lacking self-compassion. Therefore, when you verbalize your inner narrative with a mental health professional, they may be able to point out when you are engaging in self-judgment that you otherwise would not notice.

Additionally, your therapist can help you explore the origins and purpose of your inner critic, which can subsequently help when trying to quiet this narrative. Plus, they should be able to help you address, and move past, any potential roadblocks keeping you from embracing self-compassion. Before settling on one, I’d recommend asking them if they are knowledgeable in promoting self-compassion. That way, you can optimize your time together.

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Why I Still Love Animated Kids Movies as a (Grownup) Highly Sensitive Person

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Mon, 30 Jun 2025 09:00:00 +0000

Animated movies are good for the sensitive soul, like a cozy mug of hot chocolate.

There are few movies beloved by individuals across ages, generations, and cultures more so than those of animated movies. Indeed, the mere mention of these movies harkens a multitude of enchanting visual and musical memories, often associated with our childhood. And although some may consider these animated features to be “children’s” movies, when done well, folks of any age can enjoy the movie.

I have found, both in personal experience and in talking to others, that highly sensitive people (HSPs) are particularly drawn to the world of such movies, from Disney’s Bambi to Charlotte’s Web to One Hundred and One Dalmatians (and many, many more). Due to certain traits we HSPs often possess (such as empathy and appreciation of beauty), it’s common for us to feel connected to certain movies, stories, and characters. And the qualities of these movies form a dance with such HSP traits, making them compelling to HSPs specifically. Spoiler warning for some movies ahead!

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6 Reasons Why HSPs Love Animated Movies

1. They are a source of comfort.

Animated movies are good for the soul, like a cozy mug of hot chocolate. Between the story, animation, and music, there is something inherently comforting about these movies. One reason for this is the nostalgia. Most of us grew up watching such movies and listening (and singing along) to the soundtracks (probably on repeat), so we associate them with our childhood.

This special place in our heart for these movies is meaningful for HSPs, given that we tend to be sentimental. Another reason why such movies offer comfort is due to their familiarity. We know the stories, including that there will be a happy ending. In a world that is largely unpredictable, chaotic, and out of our control, the familiarity and predictability of these movies make them an old, reliable friend we continue returning to.

2. They have emotional stories full of heart.

What distinguishes a timeless animated movie from other animated movies is that they are made for all audiences, not necessarily solely children. They are movies that happen to be family-friendly, but due to their complex plots and overall quality, they appeal to all ages. This is due in part to their deep, emotional story lines. Given HSPs’ propensity to feel deeply, these movies can be an emotional catharsis to us, pulling at our sensitive heart strings. We tend to prefer movies that are full of heart and that make us feel, as this is more meaningful to us. And, indeed, these movies are full of profoundly emotional moments that grab our heartstrings.

Let’s look at some examples: in Pixar’s Up, when Carl is looking through Ellie’s adventure book and realizes that their life together was her adventure; in The Lion King, when Simba ascends Pride Rock and takes his place as king of the pridelands; in Moana, when she realizes Te Ka is not a monster and restores her heart into Te Fiti; and in Coco, when Miguel sings to Grandmother Coco, not only helping her regain her memory, but also healing decades of generational trauma. These are just some of the countless heartfelt moments within these movies.

3. They tackle serious issues and have deeper meanings.

Similar to the previous point, in addition to having emotional depth, another way in which such movies appeal to a larger audience is the serious nature of many of the issues addressed in these movies. These issues include grief, death, and loss; personal struggles; poverty; abuse and neglect; gaslighting; and social justice issues. For instance, Zootopia addresses both implicit and explicit bias regarding racism and sexism; The Hunchback of Notre Dame addresses xenophobia and religious corruption; Inside Out addresses mental health struggles; Pixar’s Wall-E addresses climate change and environmental neglect; and the story of Luca has many parellels to homophobia.

Although these are issues that are important for children to learn, such themes will be more apparent to older audiences. And due to the compassionate nature of HSPs, we are often drawn to stories that have deeper meanings and address these vital issues, and we may even resonate with some of these themes.

4. They contain relatable characters for HSPs.

The first time I encountered a fellow HSP, it was not another living person, but a character on screen. Or rather, characters — characters from my favorite movies, to be exact. Many of the main characters in animated movies are HSPs, or at least display HSP qualities. For example, these protagonists display the trait of compassion, as they tend to be exceptionally kind to others, such as when Aladdin gave his only loaf of bread to starving children so they could eat, or when Mulan took her father’s place in the war in order to save his life.

Similarly, many of these characters feel a strong affinity toward animals, a common HSP trait, and are often communing with their woodland friends (such as in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty) or have one or more animal sidekicks along for their journey (such as Ariel from The Little Mermaid and Rapunzel from Tangled). Additionally, like HSPs (who are the minority of the population at nearly 30 percent), many of these characters often feel different from others and have difficulty fitting in, such as Elsa from Disney’s Frozen or Quasimodo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Further, many of these characters appear to be deep thinkers and feelers, and display their emotions without shame or fear that they are being “too emotional.”

However, I believe the two most prominent examples of HSP characters are Belle from Beauty and the Beast and the titular character of Pocahontas. Both Belle and Pocahontas are deeply compassionate, rely on their strong intuition, are authentically themselves, follow their own path, and have a rich and complex inner life. In a society that often undervalues sensitivity, it is a gift to see HSP qualities reflected and celebrated in movie protagonists.

5. They are deeply beautiful.

HSPs are moved by beauty, and movies are no exception to this. Classic animated movies are beautiful in numerous ways. First, the animation in these movies is a work of art. In the older movies, the hand-drawn animation is breath-taking, while the new computer-animated movies continue to push the boundaries of what is possible.

Second, the music of these movies, often written and composed by Broadway professionals, are some of the most beloved songs of all-time. Such songs as Colors of the Wind (Pocohontas), The Circle of Life (The Lion King), God Help the Outcasts (The Hunchback of Notre Dame), and Part of Your World (The Little Mermaid) are deeply emotional and beautiful, both in the musical composition and the messages of these songs.

Finally, the stories themselves, along with the themes and lessons of these stories, are profound. The stories of such movies often contain themes that resonate with HSPs, such as the value of interpersonal relationships, the importance of compassion, and being true to oneself.

6. They are a source of hope.

Life can be difficult for everyone. However, due to our sensory processing sensitivity and propensity to feel overwhelmed, HSPs can be especially impacted by the challenges of life. This is why we need a source of hope — and I believe animated movies can offer just that.

As previously mentioned, these movies acknowledge the hardships of life, as the characters in these movies have to endure some extremely challenging situations, including loss of a loved one, prejudice, depression, and finding self-acceptance. And, yet, hope is never lost.

Despite all these difficulties, the protagonist always ensues and eventually reaches their happy ending. This can be a good reminder for us to carry hope in our hearts. That even when our world seems bleak and full of sorrow, things will get better. This message of hope can help counteract the negativity of the world that deeply impacts HSPs. In the wise words of Jiminy Cricket: “When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.”

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10 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship as an HSP

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Mon, 26 May 2025 07:00:00 +0000

When HSPs fall in love, they fall hard. So how do you know you’re not going to get burned?

Healthy relationships are crucial to our well-being. In fact, research suggests that meaningful relationships are one of the most significant contributors to our overall happiness. Relationships are arguably even more important for those of us who are highly sensitive people (HSPs). In part, this is because we feel things more deeply, including our connection with others, and feeling supported and understood by others is invaluable to the human experience. As a psychotherapist, I know this can make a big impact for my clients.

However, it is also necessary to note that the health of our relationships determines whether or not we will experience the benefits described above. Just as healthy relationships can add to our contentment, unhealthy relationships can promote stress, low self-esteem, and even depression.

Therefore, it is important to know the signs of being in a healthy relationship, especially as a sensitive person. Although society tends to prioritize (heteronormative) romantic relationships, the following list can be used for any sort of relationship: family, chosen family, friendships, and even professional ones. As a psychotherapist, here are the 10 signs of a healthy relationship that I look for and you can apply to your life, too.

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10 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship as an HSP

1. You truly listen to and hear each other.

You’ve probably heard before the importance of communication in relationships. This is because communication really is the foundation of any healthy relationship. After all, how can we meet each other’s needs if we do not know what is going on? Knowing that someone is actively listening to us and really hears what we have to say is essential for an HSP. Since we are a minority of the population — up to 30 percent of people are likely HSPs — we are already prone to feeling misunderstood by society. Therefore, it is imperative that those closest to us are willing to understand, instead of assuming, our reality for us.

2. You are compassionate and supportive.

HSPs are compassionate by nature. In order to thrive, we need others to show us that same compassion in return. Sensitive people tend to shut down when others have cold and harsh attitudes that are lacking in empathy and caring. Compassion also holds that relationships are a two-way street. HSPs are naturally caring, and therefore run the risk of giving much more than taking.

Plus, sensitive types can often be hesitant to talk about ourselves, as we do not want to burden or trouble others. This means that it is essential for others to invite us in, check on us, and ask us how we are doing. Indeed, HSPs require this emotional support in any relationship. Although this balance can fluctuate periodically depending on circumstances, overall, there should be that mutual support in which all people are there for each other.

3. You experience “sympathetic joy” — you find happiness in each other’s happiness.

Most of us are familiar with this experience: We finally achieve that huge accomplishment we’ve been working so hard for. However, instead of celebrating with us, we can tell that the other person is resentful. This is the opposite of sympathetic joy.

“Sympathetic joy” is a Buddhist term, which is essentially when we find happiness in each other’s happiness. This is especially important for HSPs. Since we absorb other people’s emotions, our joyous experiences can quickly be brought down by others’ negativity. Conversely, our happiness can be heightened when others celebrate with us. Sympathetic joy is also a good indicator of support within the relationship.

4. You respect one another’s boundaries.

Boundaries have become a popular topic of discussion recently, and for good reason — they help to stabilize us and prevent us from becoming burnt out. Because our sensitive nervous systems are more susceptible to overwhelm, HSPs in particular can benefit from setting boundaries. Unfortunately, however, setting boundaries is difficult for most of us, since HSPs are prone to people-pleasing. We are more likely to feel guilt or shame for setting boundaries, and the slightest hint of disappointment or pushback from others can trigger those feelings.

Therefore, it is vital to have others in our life who are understanding and will respect our boundaries. When we are feeling overwhelmed, frazzled, or depleted and need to recuperate, we need for those close to us to honor and encourage us to listen to our intuition. Likewise, if there is a line we are not willing to cross, such as not wanting to watch horror movies, needing to go to bed by a certain time to ensure adequate sleep for our overstimulated selves, or not overworking, it is critical that others don’t pressure us to abandon our needs.

5. You make room for emotional experiences.

It’s no secret that we HSPs feel our emotions deeply. Unfortunately, this may result in those who do not understand this tendency to accuse us of being “too emotional” or of “overreacting.” Needless to say, this does not feel good. Sensitive people crave deep, meaningful connections, in which our emotional experience(s) will be validated, not criticized. It is important that others in our lives understand that, as an HSP, we are likely to feel our emotions more frequently and more deeply.

During these vulnerable moments, instead of trying to change our emotional experience (i.e., “It really isn’t that bad! Look on the bright side!”), HSPs need to be supported and affirmed while still having space to feel our feelings (i.e., “I’m so sorry, that sounds really difficult. No wonder why you’re feeling upset. I’m here for you.”).

6. You do nourishing activities together.

Spending quality time together is one of the five love languages. When we spend quality time with someone, we deepen our connection through that shared activity. The key word here is “quality” — staring at your phone isn’t going to cut it. For HSPs, we are geared toward activities that nourish our souls instead of ones that overwhelm our sensitive nervous systems. Therefore, it is essential that others in our life understand this and are willing to go at our pace.

For instance, most sensitive people would feel overstimulated doing activities such as going to a club or attending a crowded event. Instead, most of us would rather connect by grabbing a beverage at a cute coffee shop, watching a favorite movie together, observing artwork at a quiet museum, or getting out into nature and hiking. Such activities allow us to better be in the moment, rather than becoming frazzled by our environment and the noises and people in it. For HSPs, this also helps promote meaning in our relationships.

7. You fight fairly.

No matter the type of relationship, arguments are bound to occur from time to time. This is not inherently unhealthy; rather, it’s how you argue that matters. HSPs in particular hate conflict, so it’s critical that when arguments do arise, they are handled in a healthy way.

First, it’s crucial to stay as far away as possible from “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” aptly named to signify the likelihood of relationships ending. The Gottman Institute, prominent experts in relationship dynamics, identifies the Four Horsemen as criticism (i.e., attacking the other person’s character), contempt (i.e., treating the other with spite, meanness, cruelty, and disrespect, all while assuming superiority), defensiveness (i.e., not taking responsibility, always blaming the other person), and stonewalling (i.e., not listening, not responding, and shutting down).

Additionally, it is also important to use the “I feel” statement correctly. Although many people are familiar with the benefits of using “I feel” statements, they are often used incorrectly. Instead of “I feel [emotion] when you [action]…,” some use “I feel like you…” This puts the onus back on the other person, the opposite of what is recommended, rather than remaining in your own experience. There is a difference between: “I feel sad when you spend that extra time at work because then we don’t get to spend quality time together” versus “I feel like you don’t care about me. I feel like you only care about work.” If “I feel” is followed by “like,” it can be replaced by “I believe,” “I think,” or “it seems” — or it can be eliminated altogether and still leaves a complete sentence. That way, the “I feel” statement is not being used as intended.

Finally, it is also crucial to remain honest while kind. Since HSPs are intuitive and process our surroundings deeply, we can often tell when someone is withholding information or not being fully honest.

8. You have the ability to compromise.

As much as we would love for everything to go our way all the time, that just isn’t possible. This is where compromise comes in. Compromise is especially helpful in HSP-non-HSP relationships, since the need to do so will likely come up more often. For instance, since HSPs are easily overstimulated, compromises will likely need to be made in terms of environment, such as lighting, temperature, cleanliness, and volume.

Further, sensitive types will need time to destimulate and recharge our batteries more often than non-HSPs, so this means compromising in terms of the activities we do together, too. For example, we might compromise by agreeing to go to a certain event a non-HSP chooses, but then we’ll need to rest in our HSP sanctuaries the next day.

9. You have common goals.

In order for any relationship to be effective, there needs to be shared common goals. For HSPs, we need to be connected by our common goals to be secure in our relationship. For a romantic partner(s), this will likely include the topics of career, children, finances, and living situation. For friendships, this may look like ensuring you are on the same page of wanting someone to know on a deep level and support each other as opposed to a casual buddy to hang out with. Professionally, there is a reason “future career goals” is such a common job interview question! Aligned goals indicate a better fit, period.

10. You can be your authentic sensitive self.

As HSPs know, our society undervalues and misunderstands sensitivity, so it can be difficult for us to give ourselves permission to truly be ourselves. For our relationships — those we choose to invite in — it is vital that not only is our sensitivity understood, but also that we feel valued as a highly sensitive person.

It is shaming to hear the message that we are being “too sensitive” and need to change, since this is at the core of who we are. Healthy relationships can be a safe haven for us to be our sensitive selves without inhibition. When we are valued for who we are, this promotes a sense of belonging, and ultimately, well-being and contentment.

My fellow HSPs, what would you add to the list? Feel free to share in the comments below.

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If Anyone Has Told You Your Emotions Are ‘Too Much,’ They’re Wrong

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Fri, 23 May 2025 11:00:55 +0000

What does it really mean when someone says you are “overreacting” or “too much”?

Dear Highly Sensitive Person (HSP),

I want you to know that if anyone has told you that your emotions are “too much,” they are wrong.

For the majority of highly sensitive people, our experience includes having strong emotions. Indeed, a common trait among HSPs is our ability to feel deeply, as this is adjacent to sensitivity. Unfortunately, many non-HSPs don’t quite comprehend the depths of our emotions, which can result in feeling misunderstood.

While growing up, I repeatedly received the message that my emotions were “too much” — from people telling me that I was “overreacting” or to “lighten up” to shaming me for expressing my emotions and informing me that my feelings were “wrong.” Unsurprisingly, this type of rhetoric disconnects people from their emotional experience, and ultimately, ourselves as a whole. I have since made peace with my HSP tendency for feeling deeply and am now a psychotherapist as a result!

However, my experience is by no means a unique one. Many of my clients (especially those who are fellow HSPs) have described their similar struggles of being shamed for feeling “too much,” despite their feelings being perfectly valid and appropriate for the context. As a result, they subsequently have a difficult relationship with their emotions.

HSPs, we deserve better. It is all too easy to be labeled as “too emotional,” given that we live in a society that doesn’t value emotions. Instead, “rationality” is largely considered to be the antithesis of being emotional, and is valued and placed on a pedestal. I can’t help but wonder: Is it actually rational to deny something so inherent to the human experience?

As a mental health practitioner, I want you to know that these messages are wrong. You, on the other hand, are not wrong for feeling your emotions. In fact, there are actually many advantages to doing so.

6 Reasons Why Your Emotions Are Not ‘Too Much’

1. “You can’t heal what you don’t feel.”

Despite the misconception that emotions are superfluous, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Indeed, emotions aren’t just normal, they’re also healthy. There’s a popular saying in the world of psychotherapy that “you can’t heal what you don’t feel.” Essentially, this means that in order to adequately process and heal from a difficult experience, we need to allow ourselves to name, express, and of course, feel any and all emotions associated with that experience.

A great example of this is from the Disney/Pixar movie Inside Out. At one point, Bing Bong, Riley’s former imaginary friend, becomes distraught after losing his rocket, prompting him to mourn his relationship with Riley. Once he’s able to reflect on why he’s feeling sad, express that sadness, and receive validation, his sadness begins to dissipate and he starts to feel better, allowing him to move on. Although a simplified example — we typically aren’t able to work through emotions quite this quickly — this does illustrate the importance of feeling our emotions in order to heal from life experiences. And since sensitive people feel on a deeper level than others, it may take us a bit longer to process things.

2. Repressing emotions does not work.

The message we receive from society is, in order to prevent being seen as “too emotional,” we simply need to repress our emotions, as this is the “rational” approach to take. However, as you likely already know — either from personal experience or on an intuitive level — repressing our emotions doesn’t work.

There’s a popular metaphor used in therapy: think of a beach ball floating on the surface of the water. What happens when you try to submerge the beach ball into the water? It doesn’t want to go down or stay down. Perhaps you’re able to keep it submerged for a bit, but it takes a lot of effort and struggle. Plus, the harder you try to keep the beach ball submerged, the greater force it’ll have when popping back up. This is the same for our emotions: we can try to repress them, but the more we do, the more we will struggle, and the more force they will reappear with. So it helps to avoid that struggle and simply allow your emotions to be.

Similarly, sometimes HSPs will try to numb their feelings through emotional buffering — they’ll mask them through things like shopping, food, or even substance use. But this, too, is just trying to submerge the beach ball instead of dealing with it.

3. For better or worse, emotions help guide us.

As alluded to previously, the common argument against displaying emotions is that they can be considered to be the opposite of rationality. That is a grave misunderstanding of emotions and the benefits they bring us.

Indeed, I am a strong proponent of our emotions’ ability to guide us. You can think of emotions like signals we can use to navigate the roads of life. Firstly, we need to identify what the signal actually is. When we are able to recognize and label the emotion we are feeling, we can then process our emotions with more efficiency. Secondly, our emotions have purpose; each one has useful information we can use to help guide us.

For example, sadness can mean that a need of ours is not being met; anger can indicate that our boundaries are being violated; fear can warn us against a potentially dangerous situation; guilt can help us learn from past mistakes and make amends; and happiness can keep us returning to something that promotes overall well-being. As a highly sensitive person, you may feel all these emotions more so than a non-HSP, which can add beauty and depth to your life.

When we are connected to our emotional experience, we are better able to define our emotions. That way, we can then receive important knowledge about what steps to take in order to live our best possible lives.

4. Emotions allow us to be embodied.

Embodiment is the ability for us to fully feel into our bodies and be present with our experience. Embodiment also has many benefits, including better physical and mental health. Sounds simple, right?

Unfortunately, we live in a world that frequently promotes the opposite of this. Feeling tired? You can sleep when you’re dead! Feeling hungry? Diet culture rewards you for that! Feeling pain during exercise? No pain, no gain! We receive messages that we are “weak” for listening to the important signals our bodies are trying to communicate to us: for getting enough sleep, eating when we’re hungry, and stopping exercise when we’re in pain. (And sensitive people need even more sleep than others!)

It’s difficult, to say the least, to be embodied in a culture that tries to disconnect us from our bodies. Being with our emotions, however, can help bring us back to our bodies. Indeed, our emotions reside in our bodies. Have you noticed how your chest feels heavy when you’re sad? That your heart races when you’re scared? That you feel hot when you’re angry? Or even that you feel light when you’re happy? By recognizing our physical sensations, including those associated with our emotions, as they are happening, we are able to return to embodiment.

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5. Emotions increase our self-knowledge.

As previously established, emotions are a basic component of the human experience. Therefore, when we deny our emotions, we in turn deny ourselves. Instead, when we can be with our emotions — something we HSPs are naturally good at anyway, given our intuitive abilities — we can better recognize them. And then, we can comprehend how to approach them healthfully, both within ourselves and others. This is what research psychologist Daniel Goleman defines as “emotional intelligence.”

Although allowing yourself to feel your emotions does not automatically equate to emotional intelligence, it’s a step in the right direction. Conversely, we move further away from emotional intelligence when we attempt to repress our emotions. This not only makes the experience of being with our feelings less familiar, but it also sends the message that feeling our emotions is unsafe.

6. Only you know your own experience.

The fact of the matter is — you are the only one living your life. Therefore, you are the only one who knows your experience. Only you can determine your emotional reality. Therefore, when others accuse you of being “too emotional,” this is gaslighting, which is when the other person uses a form of manipulation that makes you question your sanity or your version of things. In this particular situation, the gaslighting by the other person is typically rooted in an effort to make themselves feel more comfortable.

However, dear reader, you do not have to censor yourself for the sake of others. It’s okay to have a lot of feelings and to express those feelings — don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are the author of your story and you alone are the expert on your experience.

A Note on Emotional Response vs. Reaction

When discussing our experience of emotions, it’s important to distinguish between an emotional response vs. an emotional reaction, in addition to the emotion itself. Emotions are a feeling and state of being (i.e., happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, etc.). When we describe HSPs as “deep feelers,” this means we feel our emotions more strongly and more frequently than non-HSPs. There’s no action inherent in emotions. The proceeding action can be either a response or a reaction. A response is using data from the emotion to make an informed decision; a reaction, on the other hand, is being overtaken by that emotion.

Let’s illustrate this with an example: You are having a conversation with someone, when all of a sudden it turns sour. The other individual turns to rudeness and insults you. Most likely, you would be experiencing the emotion of anger in this situation. An emotional response would be to inform that individual what they said was wrong and hurtful, and that you will not be engaging with them if they continue to treat you poorly, i.e., using the signal from your anger to rectify the situation thoughtfully.

Conversely, an emotional reaction might include insulting the other person back, storming out of the room and slamming the door, or turning to physical violence, i.e., being controlled by your anger. As we can see here, it’s not the emotion of anger that’s wrong, but rather, how that anger overtakes you. However, since we HSPs are deep processors, we are more likely to take our time to respond rather than react immediately (yet another benefit of being a sensitive person!).

Emotions are not only normal — they’re also important. Our society undervalues emotions and doesn’t understand that by feeling deeply, we are not “too emotional,” but in fact are experiencing an essential part of life. So, fellow HSP, I urge you to continue to feel your emotions, express your emotions, and be that deep feeler that you are. It’s a beautiful thing.

With love,

An HSP Therapist

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7 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Younger HSP Self

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Mon, 22 Jul 2024 12:56:23 +0000

I grew up hearing, “Don’t be so sensitive.” What should young HSPs hear instead?

“Stop crying.”

“Toughen up.”

“Don’t be so emotional.”

“Don’t take things so personally.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

Like many highly sensitive people (HSPs), I grew up hearing some version of those words. Although the people providing me these messages were well-meaning, this ultimately contributed to the belief that my sensitivity was wrong. As a people-pleaser, I desired to correct what was seen by others as a detriment or disorder. However, despite their expectations, I couldn’t turn my sensitivity “off.”

Growing Up as an HSP

I was the kid who cried… a lot. I experienced so many emotions, and as an HSP, these emotional experiences were heightened in comparison to my non-HSP peers and family members. Despite the fact that an estimated 20 percent or so of our population are HSPs, I was an anomaly among my less sensitive family members and friends. Therefore, I didn’t have anyone in my life who understood my highly sensitive nature.

This manifested in different ways throughout my childhood. For instance, I did not feel safe sharing my emotional experiences with others, so I often hid my true feelings and retreated inward, which only further perpetuated feelings of loneliness and shame. I also struggled to set boundaries with others — common among HSPs — due to my people-pleasing tendencies.

My Lightbulb Moment

It was in my 20s that I stumbled upon The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron. When I took the HSP self-assessment in the book — which asked questions such as if I easily feel overwhelmed and if other people’s moods affect me — I checked every single box.

This was a lightbulb moment for me: For the first time in my life, I felt understood. I was able to make sense of why I am “different” and why I have not been able to change my sensitive nature. Having a term and an explanation for my heightened sensitivity was crucial in giving myself permission to be the highly sensitive person that I am, which has even contributed to my career as a psychotherapist. I wish that I could go back in time to my younger HSP self to share with her the insight I have since learned. Although I cannot do that, I hope that, dear reader, perhaps the following messages can be of benefit to you.

7 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Younger HSP Self

1. “Sensitivity is an innate part of you.”

It was liberating to discover that high sensitivity is a trait. I felt such a sense of comfort knowing that there were others like me: I was no longer alone in my sensitivity! Reading the scientific evidence about how high sensitivity is biologically-rooted — our brains are different than those of non-HSPs — helped me in the process of embracing my sensitivity. Indeed, my high sensitivity is an innate part of me; I cannot change it, just as I cannot change my height or my eye color.

Being able to have a solid sense of self and being able to vocalize my knowledge about my sensitivity has also helped me in my interpersonal relationships, as I am now better able to advocate for my own needs. Perhaps more importantly, this has improved my relationship with myself. I am now at peace with my HSP nature, and by extension, myself as a whole.

Questions to ask yourself: How does knowing the science behind HSPs affect your relationship with your highly sensitive nature? Can you give yourself permission to be an HSP? What would it be like to embrace your sensitivity?

2. “Let go of the shame.”

Being told time and time again that I was “too sensitive,” I eventually began to internalize that message, carrying shame about my sensitivity as a result. I have since realized that I was not wrong for being sensitive. Indeed, shame is our only emotion that is not useful to us because it keeps us stuck in the narrative of “I am wrong.” After all, how can we move forward when we believe that we are inherently wrong?

Letting go of shame requires accepting that “highly sensitive” does not mean “too sensitive.” We are not wrong for being HSPs. Unfortunately, sensitivity is undervalued in our society, so it is often misunderstood. This does not make sensitivity wrong, though. On the contrary, sensitivity is a strength.

Questions to ask yourself: Have you been holding onto shame for being highly sensitive? What is holding you back from letting that shame go? What would it be like to be free of that shame?

3. “Your emotions are valid and important.”

HSPs tend to feel our emotions very strongly. This makes sense, as sensitivity and feeling deeply go hand-in-hand. Unfortunately, this can result in us being labeled as “overly emotional,” which invalidates our feelings. This is a form of gaslighting because it undermines our realities.

However, feeling our emotions is healthy for several reasons. First, repressing emotions takes a lot of effort and does not work, similar to keeping a beach ball submerged underwater. Additionally, research indicates that by identifying and labeling our emotions, we are able to process them more effectively. Most importantly, our emotions are here for a reason. Each of our emotions has a message they are trying to communicate to us. Because of this, one question I commonly ask my clients in psychotherapy is: “What are your emotions trying to tell you?” For example, sadness can mean that a need of ours is not being met, while anger can mean that our boundaries are being violated. Given how disconnected our society tends to be from our emotional experience, I believe that our strong connection to our emotions is actually an HSP superpower.

Questions to ask yourself: What is your relationship like with your emotions? What emotions have you been experiencing lately? What are your emotions trying to tell you?

4. “Self-care is not selfish.”

HSPs have caring hearts, and because of this, many HSPs feel called to help others. Unfortunately, HSPs often neglect themselves in the process, which eventually results in burnout. The antidote? Prioritizing self-care.

Until recently, the idea of taking time for ourselves was often labeled as selfish. And for HSPs, who have an innate desire to help others, the idea of acting selfishly is uncomfortable. However, the phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” is a cliché for a reason: We can’t help others if we aren’t first taking care of ourselves.

For me, my self-care non-negotiables include adequate sleep, joyful movement, nourishing meals (to my body and my soul, so chocolate is definitely included!), and restful time to destimulate and recover from overwhelm. (The HSP hangover is real!) I encourage you to extend that same compassion you have toward others onto yourself and allow yourself to engage in the self-care that you need.

Questions to ask yourself: Do you currently have enough self-care in your life? What are your self-care non-negotiables? What are some acts of self-care that you would like to add to your life?

5. “It’s necessary to set boundaries.”

As with most people, I was unfamiliar with boundaries growing up. Like many HSPs, it was easy to drop into the habit of people-pleasing, with more consideration for the feelings of others than for my own. Unsurprisingly, I thought that saying “no” was bad. To make matters worse, those few times I was desperate enough to set boundaries, it backfired.

Setting boundaries is a difficult lesson to learn, one that most of us are still learning and relearning. However, boundaries are necessary to keep us functioning at our best. Often, one of the most difficult aspects about setting boundaries as an HSP is the fear of hurting others. However, if these people are truly worth being in our lives, they will want the best for us and, therefore, be understanding when we set boundaries. Boundaries can be set with family members, friends, partners, work, school, and even ourselves.

Questions to ask yourself: How are you with setting boundaries? Is there anything holding you back from setting boundaries? What are some boundaries you can set in order to make your life more optimal?

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6. “Listen to your intuition.”

Highly sensitive types have rich internal worlds. Because of this, we HSPs tend to have a strong connection to our intuition. Although society undervalues using our intuition, society was not built considering sensitivity, and is therefore not always suited for HSPs. That being said, society’s expectations are often wrong for HSPs. Indeed, I have found that my intuition leads me to make the right decisions.

For instance, my intuition has felt uneasy about certain people and has felt strongly pulled toward certain opportunities. It lets me know what it is I truly need in order to function at my best. My intuition has also guided me in my professional work. As a psychotherapist, I find my intuition to be a powerful tool in helping me determine certain areas to explore and which interventions are best-suited for specific clients. I believe that intuition is a valuable skill for anyone, especially HSPs, to possess.

Questions to ask yourself: How often do you listen to your intuition? What has your intuition led you to in the past? What is your intuition communicating with you?

7. “Your sensitivity is your greatest strength.”

What I once believed to be a weakness is actually one of my greatest strengths. My sensitivity makes up a large foundation of who I am as a person and has helped me, both professionally and personally.

Professionally, my sensitivity has led me to helping others with their mental well-being through psychotherapy. I believe my sensitivity has made me a better therapist than I would be otherwise, as it helps me empathize with others. This aids me in understanding the clients I work with, seeing and appreciating the core of who they are as a person.

Personally, my sensitivity helps me pay better attention to detail, noticing aspects many other people miss, such as the intricacies within nature or the raw emotion displayed in art. My sensitivity allows me to experience the world differently, as I am strongly moved by the beauty around me. As such, I find myself deeply moved by that one song, that bite of dessert, or that touching story. I also believe my sensitivity has made me a better person, as I am conscientious and passionate about activism and social justice issues. One of my dearest friends has told me that my sensitivity is her favorite thing about me. It is strange to think that the very quality I once viewed as my detriment is now the same quality that embodies who I am.

Given society’s misconceptions about sensitivity, it can be a challenge to overcome these messages. We are not “too sensitive.” I hope you too, dear reader, can embrace your sensitivity and appreciate the ways in which sensitivity is your strength.

One last question: How has your sensitive nature contributed to your strengths? Comment below!

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How Do You Stop Burnout as a Highly Sensitive Person?

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Fri, 05 Jul 2024 10:09:05 +0000

Raise your hand if you feel called to help others. Now raise your other hand if you have difficulty caring for yourself.

Raise your hand if you feel called to help others.

Raise your other hand if you have difficulty caring for yourself.

How long can you keep both hands raised? Spoiler: It’s not sustainable. And if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), it’s probably even less sustainable.

This is because we HSPs are known for our kind and compassionate nature, which contributes to our desire to help others in some shape or form. Our lives feel much more meaningful when we can make a positive impact. This can take on several forms: entering into a helping job or career (such as psychotherapist, nurse, physician, or teacher, to name a few) or working for a nonprofit, volunteering for a cause, parenting, rescuing companion animals, and being that go-to person for your friends, family, and/or partner(s). Indeed, I have found myself called to many of these forms of helping, including in my profession as a psychotherapist, adopting a rescue dog, and supporting others in my life.

Unfortunately, this strength we HSPs have of helping others can also have consequences if we are not careful. We may run the risk of becoming dormant in our helping endeavors, which can ultimately result in burnout. This can happen when we are not looking out for ourselves, and instead, just going through the motions of helping. And when we do not check in with ourselves — how we are feeling, what we need — this becomes a recipe for burnout.

Signs of Burnout

Burnout is a state of physical or emotional exhaustion caused by excessive work, demands, or stress. Burnout feels like a complete loss of energy or motivation. It can often involve feelings of panic, a reduced sense of accomplishment, or even losing your sense of your own identity.

As of now, burnout is not a diagnosis, so there is no official set of criteria used. However, there are some tell-tale signs of burnout agreed upon by most mental health professionals. And if you’re a sensitive person, the below can feel even more intense since we feel things so deeply.

Increased physical health symptoms. When we are burnt out, our bodies feel it. This could look like experiencing more frequent headaches, nausea, body aches and pains, or other physical ailments. Burnout also compromises our immune systems, which can result in catching a cold, the flu, or other contagious diseases.
Chronic fatigue. With burnout, we are tired, overwhelmingly so. This fatigue isn’t akin to that feeling of reaching the end of a busy week or after one night of difficulty sleeping. Rather, the fatigue associated with burnout is so intense that it feels like no matter how much rest we get, we will still be tired.
Apathy. That spark of passion that led us to wanting to help in the first place is no longer present. Likewise, our motivation to help and to do better is missing, as is the sense of satisfaction we once felt from helping. We simply don’t care like we once did.
Mental health issues. Unsurprisingly, burnout takes a toll on our mental well-being. This leads to struggles in our mental health, the most common of which are depression and anxiety.
Engaging in numbing behaviors. Sometimes when we are too overwhelmed, we will turn to anything to numb this feeling. Unfortunately, these numbing behaviors are often not healthy. Examples can be as benign as watching videos or playing video games for hours on end, or be as dangerous as substance abuse or disordered eating behaviors.
Sense of dread. When we experience burnout, our intuition will try to guide us away from sources of burnout. This is often manifested in feeling dread toward any activity in which we are required to exert physical, mental, or emotional energy, including helping others.
Feeling regret. With burnout, regret may show in different forms. Burnout makes us more likely to be in a negative headspace and criticize our actions; therefore, we may be more likely to regret our actions due to perceived mistakes we made. Additionally, if the burnout is especially intense, we may come to feel regret about helping others in the first place, since this contributed to the burnout.
Compassion fatigue. Even HSPs have a limit on how much our hearts can take. If we immerse ourselves in others’ pain without giving ourselves a break, this will become too overwhelming for us. Eventually, the pendulum will swing in the other direction and we will feel numb and have difficulty mustering up compassion for others in the same way we used to. We will be unmoved by the pain of others.

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Why HSPs Are More Vulnerable to Burnout

There are several reasons why HSPs in particular are more vulnerable to burnout.

Our highly sensitive nervous system is more easily overwhelmed than that of non-HSPs. In other words, we are more likely to become frazzled and in need of destimulating our senses.
Due to our natural empathy, HSPs are more prone to people-pleasing. We know how it feels when people hurt us or let us down, and we do not want to bestow this same fate upon others. This often results in self-sacrificing.
HSPs process things deeply and feel our emotions more intensely than non-HSPs. Unfortunately, there can be a dark side to helping others, including witnessing or hearing about the tragedies of those we are helping. This can be of greater impact to HSPs, which can result in vicarious trauma, essentially displaying symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as intrusive thoughts, heightened anger or sadness, and/or difficulty sleeping.

If HSPs are not careful and start to experience burnout, we cannot perform to the best of our ability and lose the capacity to feel the joy associated with helping others. We can become disconnected from the passion that led us to our calling in the first place. Unfortunately, burnout is on the rise, which I have witnessed in many of my psychotherapy clients.

6 Ways to Combat Burnout as a Highly Sensitive Person

As bleak as this sounds, don’t give up hope and stop helping others altogether! Thankfully, there are actions we can take to prevent burnout, or to use as a remedy for burnout. If possible, I recommend implementing these steps before the burnout sets in, as it is much easier to prevent burnout than to treat it.

1. Check in with yourself on how you are truly feeling.

We can help prevent ourselves from becoming dormant — which leads to burnout — simply by accessing self-awareness. The best way to do that is by asking ourselves two simple questions: 1) How am I doing right now? and 2) What do I need right now? The more detailed and honest you can be, the better. And of course, follow-through is necessary.

For instance, you may answer the first question by saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed due to both my professional and personal demands; I notice myself feeling more physically tired than usual, as well as stressed and frustrated emotionally.” As a result, you may need to increase your sleep, take some items off your to-do list, and allow yourself to mentally reset.

As for follow-through, you will then need to make an action plan to go to bed by a certain time, negotiate with your boss regarding your duties and/or take some time off of work, drop those excess items from your to-do list, forego additional demands, schedule in alone time, and give yourself the self-care that you need.

2. Implement boundaries, which are like a protective bubble for highly sensitive nervous systems.

A former supervisor of mine often said that her “favorite ‘B-word’ is boundaries.” I couldn’t agree more! Boundaries are like a protective bubble for our highly sensitive nervous systems: they prevent us from getting overwhelmed and help keep us grounded. Admittedly, boundaries do not come easily for most HSPs, as this can be in opposition to our people-pleasing nature. After all, what is the point of saying “no” if it inhibits us from helping?

However, the cost of not implementing boundaries is high. And boundaries can actually maintain our health enough to do more helping in the long run, while evading the risk of premature burnout. Some foundational boundaries to implement into your life can include knowing and being clear on your “no’s,” keeping work solely at your job and not taking it home, using nights and weekends for self-care, and taking vacations (or staycations) as needed.

3. Engage in regular self-care, whether that means taking a walk or cuddling with your pet.

HSPs need regular self-care in order to thrive. The key word here is “regular,” meaning we want to be engaging in these activities daily. If we don’t have something to fill our cup (i.e., self-care to nourish our physical, mental, and emotional needs), we will eventually become depleted. Self-care is what helps our highly sensitive nervous systems destimulate from not only helping people, but also general stress we encounter in our daily lives that contribute to our overwhelm. (And for HSPs, this threshold is much easier to reach!) Engaging in self-care practices will also help prevent us from getting that nasty HSP hangover.

I have also found it helpful to incorporate these self-care activities into our schedule so that we’ll be more likely to follow through. Some self-care activities that are easy to do daily include going on nature walks, cuddling with furry friends, engaging in joyful movement, eating nourishing meals, and watching light-hearted and optimistic shows and movies. Although The Handmaid’s Tale is brilliantly done, I certainly cannot handle that level of intensity every night!

4. Find healthy coping skills (that work for you).

Sometimes our level of overwhelm will be so high that our regular self-care won’t quite cut it in that moment. This is where coping skills come into play. Instead of turning to unhealthy numbing behaviors associated with burnout, the best coping skills allow us to feel and work through our emotions. This might look like deep breathing and mindfulness, running, crying, taking a bath, or listening to music. Know what works best for you or experiment until you figure out what does.

5. Schedule non-helping related activities to look forward to.

As rewarding as helping can be for HSPs, we need balance. Having something planned to look forward to can do wonders! It provides us with a break while also giving us a dopamine-boost of engaging in something different. This could include taking a trip somewhere you’ve wanted to visit, going to the spa, doing a fun local activity (such as visiting a museum or historical site), attending a play or concert, going on a hike, or having dinner with a beloved friend. Whatever the activity, it should feed your HSP soul.

6. Process your feelings.

With helping others comes a lot of feelings. Some are beneficial, like the satisfaction of knowing you made a positive difference. Others are more difficult to navigate. As mentioned previously, if these feelings are not dealt with, HSPs can experience vicarious trauma. Therefore, it is vital to process these feelings. Processing would ideally include going to psychotherapy. However, if this is not an option for you (or you are looking to supplement your time in therapy), other suggestions include talking to a trusted friend, family member, or partner, journaling, and/or engaging in introspection.

Burnout can be a big issue for sensitive people. However, there are steps you can take to help with this. Remember, when you are properly taking care of yourself, you will be able to help others and preserve your wonderful HSP self. Yes, we HSPs are called to help others, but we are worthy of receiving help, too.

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Nature Is the Ultimate ‘Release Valve’ for Overstimulated HSPs

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Mon, 11 Mar 2024 11:00:00 +0000

Research suggests HSPs have a stronger connection to nature — and it has a powerful effect on our minds.

At times, for those who have a sensitive soul, it feels nearly impossible to find peace. The world was not designed with us in mind: There’s hectic productivity culture that tells us our worth is in how busy we are, blaring noises, garish lights, and a barrage of smells that overpower our senses (my blood pressure rose just writing that!). As highly sensitive people (HSPs), all this sensory input is like an overstimulation pressure cooker — one where the pressure keeps building.

This pressure cooker of doom can have disastrous consequences, including shorter-term effects, like headaches and stress, and long-lasting effects, such as depression and burnout. It’s nasty, and I imagine that you can (unfortunately) relate.

So, what’s an HSP to do when their internal pressure cooker is about to explode? One option — backed by science — is to escape into nature.

A Connection to Nature Is in HSPs’ Nature

For most of my life, I had been disconnected from nature, yet my HSP intuition kept endeavoring to pull me closer. It wasn’t until about a year ago, when I moved to the Pacific Northwest, that I finally was able to really connect to nature.

It was on my first hike up here that I fully experienced the profound impacts of nature. As I meandered along the trail, I took everything in: the calming sounds of birdsong, leaves rustling in the wind, and water rushing in the creek. Then there were the beautiful visions of tall trees, green meadows, abundant wildflowers, and the mountain’s reflection in the lake. Oh, and let’s not forget about the fresh smell of the forest. It was one of those rare moments where I actually felt at peace. I felt, well, home.

Given my highly sensitive nature, this makes a lot of sense. In fact, when psychologist Elaine Aron and her research team created the HSP scale — a scientific measure sensitivity — they found that a strong connection to nature was a common trait among those interviewed. In fact, our sensory processing sensitivity aligns perfectly with nature. Indeed, HSPs have a deep connection to, and feel at home in, nature — because it is part of our nature.

But, for HSPs, nature isn’t just an affinity. It actually has a profound effect on our minds, and can serve as an “antidoe” for overstimulation. Here’s why.

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Why Nature Is the Perfect Antidote for Overstimulation

1. It engages your senses in the best way possible.

While our senses are still engaged when out in nature, it is in a very different way than other aspects of life. Gone is the overwhelming stimulation that typically floods our senses, replaced instead with an ideal balance of calmness to keep us grounded, while captivating enough to keep us interested.

Research backs this up: Nature has been found to provide positive experiences for each of our five senses in various ways. For example, viewing nature can help reduce stress — and even decrease the amount of time one stays in the hospital. Furthermore, nature sounds regulate our sympathetic nervous system (i.e., our fight, flight, or freeze response) and reduce stress. And smells associated with nature — such as flowers — promote happiness, calmness, and alertness. This is especially important for HSPs, given our sensory processing sensitivity. Being exposed to nature engages our sensory processes in a positive way, helping to counteract overwhelm and create beneficial experiences.

2. It improves your mental health by reducing stress and boosting positive emotions.

As a psychotherapist, I believe this one to be particularly vital! Being in nature has long been associated with beneficial mental health, and for good reason. Studies have shown that spending time in nature helps decrease anxiety, rumination, and difficult emotions (e.g., sadness, anger, etc.), while boosting positive emotions, and even improving short-term memory!

Essentially, nature can provide a healthy escape from our problems, helping us get out of our heads, stop overthinking, and feel happier. This is crucial for HSPs, as we are deep feelers who are more likely to experience intense emotions — whether they are difficult or positive ones.

Further, being in nature can also increase self-esteem. And for HSPs, who are typically misunderstood by society and constantly told that we’re “too sensitive” — and that our sensitivity is a liability instead of our strength — it is critical to find such spaces that contribute to self-acceptance.

3. It provides the perfect opportunity for HSPs to connect to themselves.

Alone time is a necessity for HSPs, including those who identify as extroverts. After all, being in social situations is inherently stimulating, and the more people there are, the more likely it is to be overstimulating. Read: HSPs need time by ourselves in order to function properly! And nature provides the ideal opportunity to do just that.

In my personal experience, I have found nothing more peaceful than being alone in nature. This allows me to go inward, engage in introspection, and connect to myself without having to worry about the distractions that typically appear in my life. This also allows me to better take in my surroundings, reflecting on the beauty and majesty that is nature, leaving me with a profound sense of awe (more on that later!).

Research has also found that nature promotes mindfulness, or nonjudgmental present awareness. After all, it is easier to be in the present moment when there are ample positive sensory experiences to take in. This is essential for HSPs, as mindfulness reduces anxiety for those with sensory processing sensitivity.

4. It invites you back into your body.

The importance of embodiment — and treating our bodies with the respect they deserve — cannot be understated, especially given how the ever-rampant diet culture endeavors to disconnect us from our homes. This can be exceptionally detrimental to HSPs, given how we feel everything more deeply, including our physicality.

Yet there is something about nature that invites us to be in our bodies and listen to our bodies’ needs. When we feel the sunshine gently warm our skin, a cool breeze caress our body, and the earth beneath our feet, we can more easily connect to our bodies, thereby becoming embodied.

Further, being in nature also brings us to a more internally natural state, which then makes it easier to follow our bodily intuition. Perhaps your body wants to walk around to explore all that the natural surroundings have to offer. Or perhaps your body wants to cool off by swimming in the lake. Or perhaps your body wants to be still and rest while lying on the grass.

However you choose to take care of your body, being in nature provides endless opportunities to do so. And both movement and stillness help us — our parasympathetic nervous system (“rest and digest”) is activated, counteracting overwhelm and overstimulation.

5. It provides a sense of awe — and HSPs love taking in all the little details.

HSPs tend to be deeply moved by beauty. In Dr. Aron’s HSP test, there are questions pertaining to this concept. Indeed, research shows that HSPs are more responsive (than our less sensitive counterparts) to stimuli that elicit positive emotions. This means that, as HSPs, when we encounter anything that moves us, we are able to feel a more deep and profound sense of awe.

Similarly, studies demonstrate that HSPs show more brain activity in areas associated with visual stimuli. In other words, that what we see has a greater impact on us — whether positively or negatively. And, given how beautiful nature is, HSPs are even more likely to feel the positive emotional benefits associated with being in nature. After all, nature holds claim to some of the most beautiful sites there are, including grand waterfalls, lush forests, breathtaking oceans, and epic mountains.

On a more personal note, when I am able to witness such natural beauty, I feel overcome with awe and gratitude on a level that not much else can compare to. Such moments make me thankful that I am an HSP, as I am able to feel the majesty of my surroundings, and, consequently, connect to nature more deeply.

6. It allows for spiritual experiences.

I grew up seeped in an environment of damaging religious beliefs. And while it was undoubtedly beneficial for me to leave this toxic theology behind, this also meant that my need for spirituality would be left empty.

It wasn’t until I started spending time in nature that I was able to fulfill this spiritual need: Connecting to nature also allowed me to connect to spirituality. Indeed, because being in nature means experiencing something bigger than ourselves, this is an inherently spiritual experience — and one that anyone, regardless of their religious beliefs or lack thereof, has the potential to resonate with.

When nature is considered a source of spirituality, researchers call this ecospirituality. And studies indicate that experiencing a sense of spirituality while in nature enhances other benefits associated with nature. Given that HSPs may be more likely to have spiritual experiences than non-HSPs, what better a place to find that than nature?

How to Connect to Nature

If you’d like to connect to nature more, here are some ideas to do so.

Find out what type of nature resonates with you. In order to get the most out of your experience in nature, it’s good to know what type of nature your highly sensitive soul connects with the most. Do you feel most pulled toward the forest, beach, desert, mountains, or somewhere else?
Determine what your favorite nature-based activity is. There are so many wonderful ways to spend time in nature! Perhaps you enjoy water-based sports, like swimming, kayaking, or paddleboarding. Perhaps you like scavenging for wild berries or mushrooms. Or perhaps you like a good, long hike (my personal favorite!).
Go to your local park. When you can’t get into the depths of nature, make like Leslie Knope and head to your local park. Being in a green space with grass and trees, plus exposure to sunshine, still has many of the benefits nature has to offer. Plus, this is a great place to bring a book, your favorite hot beverage, and a blanket to lie out and relax.
Plan your next vacation somewhere natural. Why not incorporate nature into your next trip? From relaxing on tropical beaches to exploring our National Parks, there are so many wonderful sites to see.
Bring nature indoors. When all else fails, bring nature to you. If you have a green thumb, caring for plants is a lovely way to connect to nature in your own home. There are countless YouTube videos with hours of nature scenes, which is incredibly relaxing to have on in the background. Or, if you want to watch something more involved, how about a nature documentary? I highly recommend My Octopus Teacher! You can also put up nature prints in your home or on your desk.

And while it can be difficult for my sensitive soul to find peace, I know that whenever I escape out into nature, I will find the peace I’m longing for.

Fellow HSPs, what are your favorite places in nature? Comment down below!

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The Truth About Overwhelming Emotions, According to a Highly Sensitive Therapist

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Mon, 04 Mar 2024 12:00:00 +0000

Highly sensitive people can be overwhelmed by intense emotions. Here’s the secret to stopping that, according to an HSP therapist.

Racing heart. Tight chest. Trembling hands. Shallow breath.

These are not just physiological sensations — this is how our bodies react when experiencing big, overwhelming emotions. Despite the unpleasantness of such sensations, they are often less confusing than their emotional counterparts. After all, society does not teach us emotional literacy, preferring instead to prioritize what they consider to be rationality while further stigmatizing our sensitive feelings.

It’s no wonder then why emotions tend to be so overwhelming. And for highly sensitive people (HSPs), who feel our emotions even more deeply, the overwhelm becomes that much greater.

As a psychotherapist and a fellow HSP, I understand this struggle both on a professional and personal level. I’m here to tell you that your strong emotions do not mean that you’re doing anything “wrong” — in fact, as an HSP, that’s how you’re innately wired! For better (or sometimes worse), emotional storms are part of our nature!

So, instead, I want to help normalize your experience by discussing how HSPs are wired differently (especially when it comes to emotions), and provide some helpful reminders when experiencing larger-than-life emotions.

Why HSPs Struggle with Strong Emotions

The strength of your emotions is not just “in your head.” Indeed, emotions do impact HSPs on a deeper level than non-HSPs! What it boils down to is this: Our highly sensitive brains are wired differently than non-HSP brains due to our sensory processing sensitivity (SPS). Your emotions feel overwhelming because they are stronger than what the remaining 70 percent (approximately) of the population experience.

So, what is different about the highly sensitive brain? One study found that higher scores on SPS were correlated with greater activity in brain regions involved with awareness, integration of sensory information, empathy, and preparing for action in response to emotionally-evocative social stimuli.

Let’s break each component down for how they contribute to our sense of emotional overwhelm.

Heightened awareness. Since we are cognizant of the smaller details others might miss, such as someone’s tone of voice or body language, this makes us more conscious of any perceived negativity. Similarly, we can more readily recognize our own internal state, including when something feels “off.”
Increased integration of sensory information. More sensory information ups our chances of feeling overstimulated, which can cause anxiety and exacerbate our current emotional state.
More and more empathy. As emotional sponges, we feel what others are feeling on top of what we are already feeling. Of course, this can lead to us feeling emotionally flooded, trying to balance everything we’re feeling.
Preparing for action in response to emotionally evocative social stimuli. Since our brains are wired to be on the lookout for emotionally charged situations — so we can then respond to whatever is going on — this means we are more likely to notice, and subsequently, experience, emotions.

Further research indicates that SPS is associated with more brain activity in regions involved in reflective thinking in response to emotional stimuli, emotional memory, threat response (i.e., fight-flight-or-freeze), stress-control, and social and emotional processing (regarding exposure to negative stimuli). According to the researchers, “[t]hese results support behavioral evidence that emotional arousal, in conjunction with memory, may facilitate deep processing of relevant incoming information, again, the cardinal features of SPS.” This is on top of previous findings that suggest HSPs are more likely to experience difficult emotions, anxiety, and depression.

Although emotions can seem to defy logic, when we look closer, there actually is rhyme and reason behind what is happening… or, at the very least, emotions have patterns they follow, like rules. And getting to know these rules can help equip you to make sense of your emotions, which will, hopefully, reduce overwhelm in the process. Let’s take a look at the four rules of overwhelming emotions now.

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The 4 ‘Rules’ of Overwhelming Emotions

1. The feeling body is stronger than the thinking mind.

Although I cannot take credit for coining this phrase — “The feeling body is stronger than the thinking mind” — as a psychotherapist, this is something I often repeat to my clients. On a rational level, we may know something to be true; however, if we don’t truly feel it on an emotional level, then we won’t be able to accept it.

For example, perhaps you struggle with the belief that you are inherently unlovable. Your thinking mind is able to recognize that this is not true, gathering evidence of the people in your life who care about you. Yet if your feeling body doesn’t accept this counterargument, you won’t believe it as factual, and your overwhelming emotions will remain.

This is because there is an emotional blockage — something preventing you from being able to take in and integrate the message your thinking mind is trying to inform you of. In order to help figure out exactly what this emotional blockage is, it may be helpful to reflect on questions such as: What does my thinking mind know that my feeling body does not? What is my feeling body holding onto that makes it not want to believe the message of the thinking mind? If my thinking mind and feeling body could have a conversation with each other about this, what would they say?

By identifying what the emotional blockage is, it then becomes easier to address, and eventually overcome, it.

I also want to encourage you to not judge yourself during this process. There is nothing wrong with you for knowing something on a rational level but not believing it. You are not broken or defective for continuing to feel the overwhelming emotions associated with that belief.

Indeed, the feeling body really is stronger than the thinking mind. While you may not be able to control what you believe, you are in charge of how you treat yourself. And you don’t have to believe anything in particular about yourself in order to have self-compassion.

2. Difficult emotions are not negative emotions.

Contrary to popular belief, emotions such as sadness, stress, fear, disgust, and even anger are not “negative,” per se. Labeling these as negative implies that not only are the emotions themselves bad, but also that there is something wrong with us for feeling these emotions. In reality, we evolved to feel emotions (all emotions) for a reason! So we should not repress them…

Indeed, back in the hunter-gatherer days, one wrong move meant that people did not survive. In order to protect people from potential danger, our neurology developed to include emotions, which produce a stronger and more immediate impact than thoughts do.

For example, if we were out foraging for food in the forest and then heard twigs snap behind us, fear kicks in, sending us into fight-flight-or-freeze response to help us get out alive. If we had instead taken our time to ponder the likelihood that what we heard was a real threat, we were much more likely to be a bear’s lunch!

Each of our emotions has an important message they are trying to communicate with us. Sadness, that we have an unmet need. Anger, that a boundary of ours has been violated. Fear, that there is a potential danger to stay away from. Guilt, that we behaved in a way out of alignment with our values. Stress, that we need to slow down…

Really, the only negative emotion is shame since it indicates not that we did something wrong, but that we are inherently wrong. (But that’s another story for another time.)

While these emotions may feel difficult to experience, they are not inherently negative. When we can accept these emotions and learn from their messages, they then become less overwhelming. Reframe your thoughts about them and ask yourself: What can I learn from my difficult emotions? What lessons and messages are they trying to inform me of?

Want to reduce stress and thrive as an empath? We recommend these online courses from psychotherapist and sensitivity expert Julie Bjelland. Click here to learn more.

3. You are not responsible for other people’s emotions.

Due to our compassionate nature, HSPs tend to be hypervigilant about not causing others additional pain. While I do believe this is ultimately a strength of HSPs, if our empathy is left unchecked, it can lead us to believe that we are responsible for other people’s emotions. This tends to show up in two prominent ways, both of which exacerbate our own emotional overwhelm.

For one, this can look like believing that our emotional experience is burdening others. However, there is a very clear and distinct difference between having malicious intent to cause someone harm vs. them being impacted by your experience. As a highly sensitive therapist, I am often on the receiving end of the latter. I feel compassion toward my clients, joining them in their emotional experience. I’m grateful for their emotional vulnerability, allowing us to share a moment of connection. Indeed, it can be a gift to those around you to be emotionally intimate with them.

This may also look like trying to “fix” other people’s emotions. But you don’t have to take on what is not yours. This only leads to resentment, burnout, and (you guessed it!) more emotional overwhelm. It’s not selfish to focus on meeting your own emotional needs first — you are simply applying your own oxygen mask before assisting others. You can also help in other ways, such as offering kindness and support, without actually taking on responsibility for “fixing” (or attempting to fix) someone else’s emotions.

4. You are allowed to take up space.

HSPs, somewhere along the way, we received the message that we should not take up space, especially when it comes to our emotions. Sometimes, these messages are more subtle, such as being told “You’re so brave!,” “It’s okay, don’t cry,” or “You don’t have to be sad” — all in an attempt to remedy our display of emotions.

Other times, these messages are glaringly obvious, such as being overtly shamed for crying or being told that emotions are a sign of weakness.

This idea that we should not take up space may have also shown up in ways unrelated to our emotions, including being encouraged to stay quiet, being praised for acting obediently, and receiving positive feedback for not disrupting the norm.

Because of this, many of us have this belief that we have to hide our emotions, so as to not be “too much.” We try to suppress them in order to cater to the comfort of others. Internalizing the belief that we cannot take up space might show up as trying to change ourselves to fit into the societal mold by hiding our sensitivity, constantly being selfless and self-sacrificing, and only allowing yourself to give, never receive. The pressure — whether external or internal — to not take up space makes our emotional experience even more overwhelming, as we are denying ourselves an inherent part of our human nature.

I want to let you know that you are allowed to take up space. You have the innate right to show up as your authentic self, sensitivities and all. You are allowed to be human and partake in the very human experience of feeling emotions. You do deserve to reach out to others and be supported when you are going through something difficult. You are allowed to speak your mind, even when your experience is different from the non-sensitive societal norm. And your needs (which are, by definition, a required necessity) should never be compromised for someone else’s comfort.

Remember: You are gifting the world with your presence when you take up space, especially given all the wonderful strengths that come along with being an HSP. When you take up space, you allow your light to shine through. And we all need to do that more, not less.

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10 Things You Should Never Say to a Highly Sensitive Person

Lacie Parker, PsyD — Wed, 24 Jan 2024 14:00:00 +0000

Yes, we know we’re sensitive. But “too” sensitive? Them’s fightin’ words.

Just because we HSPs feel our emotions deeply doesn’t mean that our feelings aren’t valid.

Since we HSPs have such sensitive nervous systems, it does not take much to throw it out of whack. That being said, when we aren’t able to get our needs met, this can make it nearly impossible to function and can lead to burnout. And while our needs might not seem like a big deal or make sense to you, they are still needs for a reason. Let us take care of our sensitive nervous systems by meeting our needs.

Chances are, if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you’ve probably gone throughout most of your life feeling like people don’t quite “get” you. After all, we’re somewhat common, but still in the minority — nearly 30 percent of us are HSPs. So we’re bound to be misunderstood by most folks in our life, as well as society at large. What’s more, our society tends to misunderstand, and undervalue, sensitivity, perceiving it as a “weakness” — while valuing traits like stoicism — which only adds fuel to the fire.

Unfortunately, this means that people don’t always know how to treat those of us who are sensitive. This recipe of confusion, and lack of awareness, often results in people saying things to HSPs that they, well, just shouldn’t! As a psychotherapist and HSP myself, here are some things that should never be said to an HSP.

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10 Things You Should Never Say to a Highly Sensitive Person

1. “You’re too sensitive.”

Okay, you probably saw this one coming, probably because of just how often we HSPs hear this. Yes, we know we’re sensitive. However, you saying we’re too sensitive is shaming, since this implies there is something wrong with us for being sensitive. And, unfortunately, many of us have internalized shame for being sensitive, due to societal messages that sensitivity is equated with weakness, and, therefore, should be remedied.

In reality, we cannot change our sensitivity — this trait is innate to us. Further, our sensitivity is a strength, since it makes us more compassionate, is linked to creativity, is connected to thinking deeply, and strengthens our sense of intuition (to name just a few). We wouldn’t be ourselves without our sensitivity, and to say that we’re “too sensitive” is to say that we shouldn’t be us. We can’t have one without the other.

2. “Don’t take things so personally. Stop being so emotional!”

A key trait among us sensitive ones is that we feel deeply. Feeling our emotions so strongly may manifest as crying more often, having a difficult time repressing our emotions, and needing to take time to process our feelings.

Unfortunately, our society seems to be perplexed by emotions — this lack of knowing what to do often results in our emotional experience being invalidated. Sometimes, this invalidation is rooted in good intentions (“It’s not so bad! Look on the bright side!”). Other times, it is deliberately meant to belittle our feelings (such as the above).

However, these types of responses do not “cure” our emotions or suddenly make us stop feeling our feelings. On the contrary, it often compounds our current emotional experience with additional feelings of isolation, guilt, and shame. Just because we HSPs feel our emotions deeply doesn’t mean that our feelings aren’t valid.

3. “It’s not that big a deal. You can change your mind — just this once.”

The actual wording behind this may vary, but in essence, this is when others pressure us to do something and push against our boundaries. Of course, it’s never recommended to violate anyone’s boundaries (for obvious reasons), yet this is an even harder hit for HSPs.

You see, HSPs tend to have difficulty with the whole process of enacting boundaries — from identifying what our boundaries are to communicating them to actually following through with enacting them. This is likely due to our people-pleasing nature, in which we want to make others happy; and boundaries do not do that, unfortunately. As emotional sponges, we absorb your emotions and feel your feelings. So when we set a boundary, it is because this is something very important to us, not something we’re doing to “stir up drama.”

And when you violate our boundary, not only is this sending us the message that we are not worthy of having needs (which promotes shame), but this also puts us in the awkward position of cleaning up the mess of that boundary violation. And while pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zone can promote growth, this should always be something that is a personal decision, not an external pressure to go beyond our limits.

So please respect us by respecting our boundaries.

4. “SURPRISE!” (“Expect the unexpected” is not a phrase HSPs live by.)

“Expect the unexpected” is not a phrase HSPs live by, and for good reason. Due to our sensory processing sensitivity, HSPs require stability, and it can take HSPs longer than non-HSPs to adjust to our environments. This is why HSPs thrive when following a plan — we like to know what to expect, as it helps us mentally, emotionally, and physically prepare; anything else will catch us off-guard and throw off our balance.

So, suffice it to say, surprises create overwhelm, which makes it difficult to function, let alone do anything else. Further, when there is a sudden change of plans or new information presented, there isn’t enough time to adequately think through, and integrate this, into our psyche.

As deep thinkers, HSPs need time to process information, especially new information. Really, the only time it is acceptable to say “Surprise!” to us is if it’s followed by “I got you your favorite bar of chocolate.”

5. “Let’s go to this loud, crowded event!”

The HSP experience is one that is amplified. Given our sensory processing sensitivity, we are greatly impacted by our environment. This means that almost everything during the typical day drains our already-limited energy reserves, including hectic work schedules, small talk with others, chores, soaking up everyones’ emotions, and physical factors, like lighting, noises, smells, and so on.

So, by the end of the day, saying that we are exhausted is often an understatement. So please, please, do not force us to go out. While this might be an energy boost to our non-HSP counterparts, going out with low energy will completely drain our battery, resulting in an “HSP hangover.” Also, more points are deducted if there will be small talk, strangers around, it’s loud, it’s crowded, the plans are last-minute, or it is on a weeknight. Just — no… and trust me, we’ll have no problem saying it.

Instead, what we’re really craving is to retreat into our HSP sanctuary for some alone time and self-care. That sounds like the perfect night (in).

6. “You can sleep when you’re dead,” “Toughen up,” “Just push through it,” etc. when HSPs state their needs.

Yes, this one is more broad, but it bears discussing. What these have in common is that they invalidate, and therefore make it more difficult, to meet our needs. This might look like trying to convince us to stay up later than our bedtime (even though HSPs require more sleep), pushing back our mealtime so that we become “hangry,” hungry + angry (which HSPs are prone to), or pressuring us to go out and do something instead of resting and getting the downtime we truly need (resulting in feelings of overwhelm).

Since we HSPs have such sensitive nervous systems, it does not take much to throw it out of whack. That being said, when we aren’t able to get our needs met, this can make it nearly impossible to function and can lead to burnout. And while our needs might not seem like a big deal or make sense to you, they are still needs for a reason. So let us take care of our sensitive nervous systems by meeting our needs.

7. “I’m sorry” (when you don’t truly mean it).

Although it seems obvious to not apologize if you don’t mean it, too many people still do this, whether it’s to end a conflict for the short-term or to manipulate someone (or a situation). This could also take the form of saying you’re sorry — but then not following through in a meaningful way, such as changing the problematic behavior.

There are several reasons you should not give an apology that isn’t really an apology. Firstly, our strong sense of intuition is like an HSP superpower, which has earned us the label of “human lie detectors” — meaning we can tell when you are lying. A false apology is a form of lying, which is disrespectful to us and wastes our time.

Secondly, due to our kind and caring nature, it is not unusual for HSPs to people-please by giving others the benefit of the doubt (even when we know they are being disingenuous, we want to believe the best in people). These tendencies tend to attract narcissists to HSPs since they see us as easy targets, as we are more likely to forgive their toxic behaviors. This can become even more harmful to HSPs if we lack strong boundaries, as we can let the other person off the hook too easily without holding them accountable.

So don’t apologize if you don’t mean it or aren’t ready to address the root issue. As we all know, actions speak louder than words.

8. “Your experience, desires, feelings, thoughts, etc. don’t matter.”

While this would likely not be explicitly stated, there are many actions that send us this harmful message. Indeed, due to our sensory processing sensitivity, our experience as HSPs is different from that of non-HSPs. That being said, HSPs are easily prone to overwhelm and overstimulation, whether it be the lights are too bright, the noises are too loud, there are too many people around us — it’s just too much for our sensitive nervous systems to handle.

So when we describe our experience — including what needs to be changed for more optimal arousal — please don’t just dismiss what we say; it’s not the same as your experience. This can make us feel guilty for trying to take care of ourselves, invalidate our experience, and reinforce the message that we are “too much” (which, unfortunately, we seem to hear a lot). Instead, trust that our experience is valid, and that if we need to make a change in order to take care of ourselves, then it is for the best.

9. “Can you do me a favor?”

No, there is nothing inherently wrong with asking an HSP for a favor. Given our compassionate nature, we are often more than happy to help you out. However, this can be part of the problem — if we fall into the trap of people-pleasing and don’t have good boundaries, HSPs tend to help out too much.

What is helping “too much?” When we self-sacrifice to the point where we no longer adequately take care of ourselves, resulting in resentment, burnout, and “compassion fatigue.” In other words, less-than-ideal consequences for HSPs.

So although it is okay to ask for our help, do not take advantage of our generosity and empathetic, kind nature. Please explicitly remind us that there is no pressure if we are unable to, be mindful of how often you ask for help, check in with how we are doing, and offer that same help to us in return. That way, we’ll feel the relationship is more reciprocal vs. one-sided — and we’ll also be more likely to help you in the future as a result.

10. “Listen to reason!”

HSPs tend to feel our emotions deeply and have a strong connection to our sense of intuition. As such, we often base our decisions on our emotions and our “gut feeling.” Non-HSPs might not understand this, instead dismissing us as “illogical.” And while there is nothing wrong with taking cold, hard facts into consideration, these can only go so far.

For instance, our emotions are here for a reason and contain important information we need to know. Likewise, our strong connection to our intuition is an HSP superpower that guides us along our life path. Questions such as: Do you take that job offer? Where do you move? Is this a good relationship to get into? are those where facts alone may not cut it, and our HSP gut feeling helps us to innately know what to do.

So please don’t tell us we’re irrational or that we should “listen to reason” (yes, the job pays well, but it is not our calling). Instead, trust that we can connect to our inner wisdom. (You may even learn a thing or two.)

Fellow HSPs, what are you tired of hearing? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

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