Rachel Horne, Author at Sensitive Refuge

How I Learned to Stop Faking It and Live Honestly as an HSP

Rachel Horne — Wed, 20 Aug 2025 10:00:00 +0000

I faked my way through much of my early life, terrified people would realize I was different.

“Attention seeker.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“Cry baby.”

“Stop being so dramatic!”

Those words followed me around as I developed from a child to a young teenager. Why couldn’t I stop crying? Why did I get so overwhelmed at social gatherings? Why did I feel everything so intensely? Why couldn’t I be like everybody else?

Being a highly sensitive person — someone who processes information deeply and feels emotions acutely — in a not-very-sensitive world can be traumatic. Not the sharp trauma of death, but the slow and drawn out trauma of your authentic self being slowly chipped away through endless rejections and misunderstandings.

I didn’t realize that sensitivity was strength: That I was naturally creative, empathetic, and intuitive. That I was the first to notice when someone needed help and the last to judge someone for being different. All my HSP gifts were smothered in my attempts to be like everybody else, and to hide the parts of me that made me different. Instead of learning to embrace my sensitivity, I learned to lie.

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I Forced Myself to Be Someone Else

I learned to go to lots of loud parties and drink lots of vodka, even though I found the lights and noise overwhelming, while the alcohol pushed my already delicate emotional system out of balance. I learned to hide in bathroom stalls when I needed to cry, then redo my makeup and walk back into the room like nothing happened. I learned to watch horror films with popcorn and pretend I enjoyed them, kept awake with nightmares for weeks afterwards with sweaty palms and a fluttery heart.

I learned to ask way too much of myself, diving into social situations at every opportunity: Brunch with the girls before class, a workout before dinner plans, and cocktails with my coworkers. I learned to keep busy all the time because if I stopped my constant race of work, gym, study, and party then I’d have to face the wounds that were forming beneath the surface.

I didn’t know I was highly sensitive — or that that was even a thing! I just knew that I was different from the people around me, and that I had to keep it hidden at all costs.

I faked my way through much of my early life, terrified of people realizing I was different and saying those same words that had haunted me as a child. I didn’t want to be emotionally inferior, too babyish to cope with the world like a proper adult could. I didn’t want to be a failure.

Living Inauthentically Manifested as Depression

For a while I thought I was depressed, so I started taking medication, which helped for a while. I told the doctor about the rising sense of panic that followed me at every step. How I lay in bed short of breath and startled at any sudden noise. Someone sneezing in the next room was enough to make me spill coffee down my shirt. He prescribed the antidepressants, which I took faithfully for the next six years in the hopes that it would fill the holes that had been gaping in my chest since birth.

Then one day, with my fingers stuck in my ears at a nightclub, I found help in an unlikely place. A young man approached me slowly, a cigarette dangling from his mouth, with the sleeves of his red checked shirt rolled up over his tattooed arms. I thought he was going to ask for my phone number, but instead he rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a pair of disposable ear plugs.

“Here,” he said, the cigarette jumping up and down in his mouth a little. “You’re probably highly sensitive — you should check it out.” It turned out the boy was a sound technician for the DJ booth and also an HSP. I took the earplugs gratefully and the world got a little bit softer.

Embracing My HSP Helped Me Learn Honesty

What I learned about being highly sensitive helped me more than years of antidepressants and counselling ever did. Suddenly everything made sense. I wasn’t emotionally inferior — I was emotionally complex. I wasn’t broken — I was beautiful. I didn’t have to hide who I was because some people didn’t understand my different qualities.

Having spent my whole teenage life pretending to be something I wasn’t, I had to learn to be honest and authentic. To say “no” when I didn’t want to do something, to reject an invitation to a party that I knew would overwhelm me.

I learned to bring the earplugs in my backpack for hectic journeys, and avoid scary movies and violent TV shows. I learned to go easy on the caffeine and be careful with the whiskey. I learned to spend time by myself, walking in the forest and listening to the birds. I learned to recognize the signs of overstimulation and take myself into a quiet room to breathe slowly.

That’s also when I started working with horses and found my sensitivity was a strength. It was easy for me to understand the problem horses, and see how they could be supported to improve their behavior. In the evenings, I painted wildlife onto blank postcards and sent them to the ones I love.

I learned to love my quirks and laugh warmly at my differences. I learned to surround myself with the kind of people who would accept my authentic self and who would respect my emotional boundaries. Slowly, I weaned myself off antidepressants and made meditation part of my daily ritual. I found my creativity begin to flow where it had been cut off before and started writing poetry and singing in the shower.

I still feel things deeply and cry easily — after all, being highly sensitive isn’t something you can change. But I’ve learned to embrace who I am. Having learned to treasure my sensitive parts, I could never go back to denying my authentic self.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System?

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Stop Lying, Start Living

Sometimes being a highly sensitive person can feel like a lot. When people don’t understand you, it can be especially scary. The automatic reaction is often to hide your differences and protect yourself from rejection by being someone you’re not.

In the long run, you are only hurting yourself. Just like a pressure cooker needs to let off steam, if you start forcing your emotions into a deep place inside of you, they are going to force their way out eventually.

By learning about my personality trait and making small changes in my lifestyle, I found a sense of peace and self-acceptance I never thought possible before that night when a pair of earplugs changed my life. You don’t have to pretend to be something that you are not. You don’t have to lie. There’s beauty in being you — sensitivity and all.

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5 Ways Your HSP Intuition Can Keep You Safe From Harm

Rachel Horne — Wed, 16 Apr 2025 11:00:00 +0000

You have a highly tuned nervous system that can pick up on subtleties (i.e., danger) that others may miss.

Being a sensitive person goes so much deeper than how we feel and absorb emotions. It also influences how we process all kinds of external stimuli, and helps us to pick up on the energy and intentions of the people in our personal space.

There have been countless times in my life where my highly sensitive person (HSP) trait has kept me safe from harm. For example, a couple years ago, I wandered through a food market in London with a close friend. Happily stuffing our faces with every food sample that we could get our hands on, we were bumped around by the crowd of people enjoying the Saturday sunshine.

Suddenly, I caught sight of a man far off in the crowd. There was nothing remarkable about him, and yet I felt a strange sinking in my stomach. As I watched him, the man slowly made his way through the crowd to me and my friend. He was walking in a zigzag path and talking into a phone, which I’m sure had no one at the other end.

“That man is going to try to steal your backpack,” I said to my friend.

Sure enough, as the man approached us, he reached out to grab my friend’s backpack. But, because I was ready for it, I snatched it away before he could. He looked awkwardly between me and the bag, and then turned on his heel and ran away. My friend was amazed that I saw that coming, but I was just as amazed that he didn’t!

Highly sensitive people frequently report going through similar experiences, and I consider this intuition one of the many gifts of being an HSP. Here are some of the reasons that highly sensitive people pick up so well on threats.

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5 Ways Your HSP Intuition Can Keep You Safe From Harm

1. You absorb other people’s feelings, even those of strangers.

Being so in tune with other people’s feelings makes us HSPs caring souls who are full of empathy. It also means that we notice when people are feeling nervous or fidgety, like pickpockets poised to take a phone out of our purse on the subway or steal my friend’s backpack. Being so aware of the other people’s emotions around us comes naturally, and it means that we pick up so much more than what is on the surface.

2. You are a deep thinker and cautious — you’ll strategize where to sit and know where the emergency exits are.

HSPs have complex inner worlds, and we often find ourselves thinking deeply. For many of us, this includes imagining worst-case scenarios. When we get too wrapped up in these thoughts, it can have a negative effect on our mental health. But in moderation, it means that we have good instincts that keep us safe.

For example, I often find myself choosing a seat in the corner so no one can sneak up behind me, and I always know where the emergency exits are. So long as we don’t let these precautions take over our lives, there is nothing wrong with this. In fact, it’s wonderful that we want to protect ourselves and our loved ones. (I also have some pretty detailed plans for the unlikely event there’s a zombie apocalypse. OK… maybe that’s a tad too far!)

3. You have a high startle reflex: you jump when someone sneezes, but also when someone’s about to mug you.

Do you ever find yourself jumping when someone sneezes? Me, too, and it’s really annoying. But the reason we highly sensitive types have a high startle reflex is because we are constantly scanning our environment for threats at a subconscious level. This can be exhausting and frustrating when you’re just trying to get through a normal day, but it can be extremely helpful in a tight spot. If we sense danger, we’ll likely immediately evade it or scream (which will also result in evading it).

In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Elaine Aaron talks about how helpful sensitive people are for ensuring the safety and well-being of our communities. We have an evolutionary role of protecting and preserving human society. Kind of like a secret HSP superpower.

4. You are perceptive and insightful, constantly aware of the stimuli around you.

I spent so many years of my life wishing I could be less sensitive. But when I stopped focusing on trying to be something that I’m not and started appreciating my sensitivity, I realized all the strengths that come with being an HSP. Of course, two of these are how insightful and perceptive my high sensitivity enables me to be.

As sensitive people, we have fantastic instincts. We may have been trying to shut up our authentic feelings for a while, but nothing that we could do will take them away — something I’m continually grateful for. Once we start embracing the HSPs we really are and listening to our gut, it’s amazing what it can tell us. Like, for example, that man on the other side of the food market coming to steal my friend’s backpack!

5. You have a highly tuned nervous system that can pick up on subtleties (i.e., danger) that others may miss.

We HSPs have highly tuned nervous systems. This makes us sensitive to alcohol and caffeine, and it can lead to feelings of overwhelm in loud and busy environments. But our constant state of high alert can help us pick up on subtle threats that other people might miss. Of course, we don’t want to live our entire lives being so hyper-vigilant that it causes us anxiety or stress, but we can certainly be grateful that our body is hard-wired to protect us from harm.

If you are struggling with this hyper-vigilance, taking the time to do yoga or practice meditation really helps. Meditation is a bit like taking a shower, though; you have to keep doing it regularly or you won’t notice the difference!

Embracing the Fact That My Sensitivity Keeps Me Safe

I know that being highly sensitive can feel like a lot to handle sometimes. I’ve struggled with it over the years, and I understand that you can’t just click your fingers and embrace the parts of yourself that you are having difficulty with.

But I also know that my sensitivity keeps me safe, and I am so grateful for that. The more that we can respect what our sensitivity is trying to tell us, the more it can empower us to move through life with confidence and joy.

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How I Came to Terms With ‘Climate Grief’ as an HSP

Rachel Horne — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 13:00:00 +0000

HSPs feel everything more deeply, including climate change. But one way to feel less overwhelmed by “climate grief” is by making yourself part of the solution.

I’ve always cared deeply about the planet. If you’re reading this, you’re probably a Highly Sensitive Person, so there’s a good chance you feel the same way.

While caring deeply about the earth is a beautiful thing that I wouldn’t trade for the world, it can sometimes feel unbearable.

I used to wake up in cold sweats thinking about climate refugees. I’d see those pictures of skinny polar bears clinging to a piece of ice and cry for days, feeling overwhelmed by grief and horror about things that felt far too big for me to influence.

People use the term “climate grief” to refer to a wider loss and anxiety related to the overall effects of climate change.

It’s no surprise. Sensitive people feel a profound connection with nature. We process things deeply and feel emotions intensely. Add our empathy for people and animals that we’ve never even met — and our tendency to absorb the feelings of those around us — and it’s no wonder that we’re going to feel overwhelmed by climate grief at some point!

There was a time when I felt crushed by the dread and sadness I felt about climate change and environmental destruction. But, little by little, I’ve learned how to hold those feelings in a way that inspires me to contribute to a better world every day, without feeling paralyzed or devastated by my emotions.

I can finally care deeply about the planet — and all the living beings who call it home — while still enjoying a happy and joyful life. But it took many years to get to this point!

If you need some help with the same journey, here are some of the steps that I took along the way.

10 Ways to Come to Terms With Climate Grief as an HSP

1. Welcome your emotions, all of them

I used to fight against my emotions. When I started to feel dread or panic about the planet, I would either get mad at myself or try to distract myself. But when I learned to welcome my emotions, I found they got a little quieter.

For example, if I feel a knot in my tummy, I gently focus on that physical sensation and smile toward it. As I do this, I find that the sensation tends to move or change, and I follow it around my body, saying in my head, “I’m here for you, I understand.”

I have found this much more effective than thinking, “Oh shut up, cry baby!” Because instead of piling shame on top of my already complicated feelings, I can process some of the emotions there and then. This stops them from building up and exploding later down the line!

2. Respect your fears — yes, they are rational

This is linked to my first step, but it’s slightly different. As well as letting my emotions unfurl safely without judgment, I also learned to acknowledge that my fears were rational.

Let me be clear. Feeling devastated about how humans have treated the planet doesn’t mean you need to be “cured” of anything. Climate grief is a rational and reasonable reaction to the times that we live in. It can make us feel “crazy” when we are the only person who seems to worry about our destructive society. But I think it would be far stranger not to feel anything!

This shift in my perspective made me feel far less distressed, because I could stand in my beliefs with conviction instead of wondering what was “wrong” with me.

3. Focus on your “sphere of influence”

Now that my emotions weren’t screaming quite so loudly, I was able to take a more practical approach toward dealing with my climate grief.

On a friend’s advice, I tried doing an exercise called “sphere of influence.” I drew a circle in the middle of a piece of paper, then a second circle outside the first. In the center of the smaller circle, I wrote down the things I have total power to change.

For example, I wrote things like:

I can just go grocery shopping once a week to cut down on gas
I can eat 40 percent more organic, local food from the market
I can get a reusable face mask
I can donate some money to Sea Shepherd Conservation Society

In the second circle, I wrote down things that were partly in my sphere of influence. For example:

I can speak to my friends and family about some of the changes I’ve been making (but I can’t force them to see things differently)
I can ask my husband to watch the new documentary about plastic with me (but I can’t force him to go zero-waste)

And in the third circle, I wrote the things that I had very little to no influence over.

For example:

I can’t clean up the ocean
I can’t stop the tar sands exploitation in Alberta, Canada
I can’t stop the climate from getting warmer

It was a difficult exercise, but afterward, I felt such relief. I promised myself that I’d work through everything that was in my power to change. But I would not concern myself with anything in the “out of my influence” zone until my mental health was more stable. As a sensitive person, my mind’s already in overdrive, so learning to focus on what I can do really helped me.

If I feel able to in the future, I could look at that zone of “no influence” and think of some concrete things I can do, such as, “I will write a letter asking my politician to stop investing in tar sands exploitation.”

But unless I could think of something concrete I was going to do, I would not waste anymore time feeling terrible about things that were “out of my worry grade.” After all, all that worrying was just distracting me from the things I really could do, and we HSPs need to protect our energy as much as possible!

4. Shift to a zero-waste lifestyle

After I identified my zone of influence, it became clear that a zero-waste lifestyle was a road I wanted to take. Zero-waste doesn’t mean you never produce any garbage again; that would be impossible. It just means you take active steps to reduce the waste that your lifestyle produces, particularly toxic wastes, like plastic, which have a detrimental effect on the planet.

I thought it would be hard — especially since we HSPs don’t love change — but I just took lots of tiny steps, and before I knew it, I had cut down my waste to one bag of trash every two months. I achieved this through composting my food (you can even do this in an apartment!) and buying in bulk.

It hasn’t worked out to be more expensive either, because I think more carefully about what I’m going to buy and don’t make any unnecessary purchases like I used to. I stopped buying new clothes and have great fun picking up cheap outfits at thrift stores.

Of course, change has to come from above, too. But by focusing on some of the things I could change myself, I felt far less powerless, and it’s given me the strength I need to go forward joyfully.

5. Limit your exposure to news

Do you ever feel a terrible sense of doom after reading the news, but you just can’t stop reading more and more? You’re not alone. It’s called “doomscrolling,” and it turns out that it’s a pretty common thing to do.

But it’s not very good for our mental health, and those horrible images we see can stay with sensitive people for a long time. Besides, the good news usually doesn’t get reported, so we end up with a skewed perspective of how bad things really are.

My new rule is no reading the news after 8 p.m., and I only check the news sites around once a week. If something is important enough that I have to know it, then someone else will probably tell me about it anyway.

This one was difficult for me, as I studied International Development and Journalism in college. Surely reading about all the horror in the world was my moral duty?! Well, no. I believe my human duty is to be kind to everyone I can and to help protect the earth.

Does reading about every single horrible thing happening in the world achieve either of those things? Nope. In fact, it’s unkind to put myself through so much heartache.

6. Meditate and do yoga

Meditation and yoga are not magical cures that are going to make everything feel better. But, over time, I’ve found that both of these things helped me create a healthy distance between myself and my feelings.

Instead of thinking, “THE WORLD IS ENDING, AND I AM DEVASTATED,” I now think things like, “There are some serious problems in the world, which makes me feel overwhelmed sometimes. I will continue to do what I can to protect myself and other people from harm. I’m so grateful for all the other people doing the same.”

It’s not as snappy, but it’s more accurate, and it helps me cope with feelings that, at one point, had swallowed me whole!

7. Take time to see the beauty in nature

It can be so easy to feel overwhelmed by graphic images of environmental destruction. (Especially since we HSPs are so affected by our environments already!) But there is so much beauty in the world still.

I find getting out into the mountains for hiking and swimming helps me recharge when climate grief is beginning to drain my energy again. (And recharging is essential for HSPs so we don’t get an “emotional hangover”!)

Being in nature reminds me of what I’m fighting for and gives me a sense of peace. Plus, nature is very healing for highly sensitive souls anyway.

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8. Connect with like-minded people

I used to feel so alone in caring about the planet. But connecting with like-minded people has been helpful. For instance, I recently went on a meditation retreat, geared toward environmental activists, which was such a wonderful experience.

I was suddenly surrounded by people that thought exactly as I did and who felt equally alone in their efforts to protect nature. (And, yes, I’m pretty sure a lot of them were HSPs!) I can’t tell you how relieved and validated I felt after this experience. So I suggest you do the same: connect with others and find a commuity to join, either online or in person, for causes you believe in.

9. Find a way to leave the world a better place

I spent many years thinking about how I could reduce my impact on the planet. But as I grew more hopeful and resilient, I decided that reducing my impact wasn’t enough. If I just focused on making my lifestyle “less bad,” I didn’t feel I was contributing to any positive change.

So I started researching more about pesticides, because they are something that I worry about a lot. I came across a course that I could take online, and I’m now training to become a soil technician. Once I’m qualified, I will be able to help farmers shift away from pesticides and restore their soil. This will have a huge positive impact for insects, animals, and people.

Your path will almost certainly look different from mine. But there is a way that you can make the world a better place: it’s just waiting for you to discover it.

Remember to focus on your well-being and health first so you don’t burn out down the line. But when you’re ready, you can roll up your sleeves and find your path. It is hard to feel overwhelmed by climate grief when you make yourself part of the solution.

10. Acknowledge mother nature’s power

The final thing that helped me come to terms with climate grief was realizing how truly powerful mother nature is. (My lecturers on the soil course helped me with this!)

Here’s an example:

After the nuclear disaster at Chernobyl, scientists believed that the area would be a nuclear wasteland forever. But just three decades later, the exclusion zone is teeming with wildlife. Birds are making their homes in the old reactor, and bears, wild horses, wolves, and lynx have all returned to thrive in the area now that humans are gone.

So even though I have genuine hope that humans will turn things around for the better, I find it reassuring to know that nature will go on, with or without us.

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As an HSP, the Hermit’s Life Is the Best Life for Me

Rachel Horne — Mon, 26 Jul 2021 13:00:00 +0000

“As a highly sensitive person who wanted her family to be happy, I used to constantly search for ways to please them. But living in a van is something that I wanted for myself.”

For the last couple of years, I’ve essentially been living as a hermit — which is perfect for my highly sensitive nature.

My husband (Florian) and I built an off-grid home in France… in the back of a van. My electricity comes from solar panels on the roof, and I even have a small camping toilet and solar shower crammed in, too. That’s only about 55-square-feet of living space for two fully grown humans and a 60-pound rescue dog (Pirate) we took in after someone found him abandoned on the side of the road.

(Don’t worry, my fellow sensitive animal lovers, he spends the whole day hiking in the mountains with us, so he is more than happy to curl up and sleep in the evenings!)

My husband and I can go for weeks without seeing other people. We park up in the mountains or isolated rocky beaches of France, and enjoy wild swimming in the alpine lakes or just sitting for hours around a crackling campfire.

We only really come back to civilization to pick up more groceries every week or two, or to occasionally spend time with our most treasured friends and family.

Here are some of the reasons that the hermit life works so well for me as a highly sensitive person.

Why the Hermit’s Life Is the Best Life for Me as an HSP

1. Plenty of alone time, something HSPs value to help quell overstimulation

I spent most of my life believing I was an extrovert and thinking that I loved going to big social events. Even when I ended up crying in the bathroom with a horrible emotional hangover, I just put it down to mental health issues.

Then I discovered the HSP trait, and I realized that I’d been forcing myself to be someone I wasn’t for my whole life. It was like a eureka moment. Of course I didn’t like having techno music blasted down my ears in a nightclub with 6000 people!

So although I do love people, I’ve finally realized how much I love being on my own. I can process life at my own pace, without taking on the burden of other people’s emotions and dramas (especially since we HSPs pick up on every emotion others are feeling, which can quickly drain us!).

Yes, I still have special people in my life whom I love deeply and take time to visit, but I’ve stopped surrounding myself with people for the sake of “popularity” or “normality.” It’s such a relief for my frazzled nervous system and I don’t get overwhelmed nearly as often as I used to.

2. A lot of time in nature, from greenery to animals

We highly sensitive souls feel deeply connected to nature and wild animals.

Instead of living in my house and feeling depressed about environmental issues, I now live in harmony with nature every single day. I drink my cup of (decaf!) coffee with eagles flying overhead, and in the evening, I watch bats whizz around our campfire.

I am so astounded by the beauty of the natural world, and I am also glad to be using far less power and water than I did when I lived in a house. Plus, I haven’t bought new clothes for years, and it feels nice to let mother nature breathe a bit easier!

3. Quality time with others… and yourself

I mentioned that I don’t spend much time with people, but I do spend every day with my husband and rescue dog. I love being able to hang out with my best friends all the time, and I am so grateful my husband and I aren’t both commuting to full-time jobs and grabbing just a few hours together in the evening.

Of course, I need my personal space sometimes, so we do send each other on an occasional walk so we can chill out alone! (Not including Pirate; he isn’t allowed to walk himself!)

4. An escape from city noise, which can easily cause overstimulation in HSPs

I can step out of my van door, close my eyes, and hear nothing but birds singing in the trees and insects whirring in the grass. Can you imagine?

I am super sensitive to noise, and I find the hustle and bustle of traffic overwhelming. Even the beeping checkouts at the supermarket make me cringe, and I used to constantly jump when car doors slammed outside.

Living far away from the clamor of industrialization has helped me calm down and has reduced my threat radar, too.

5. You can finally honor your true self

At some point, I think everyone struggles to live the life they dream of. There’s just so much social pressure to do things like everybody else instead of listening to your instincts and doing what you truly want.

As a highly sensitive person who wanted her family to be happy — we HSPs tend to put others’ needs before our own — I used to constantly search for ways to please them. But living in a van is something that I wanted for myself.

Initially, it was hard for people to understand this, but I’m so glad I listened to my heart and honored my authentic needs. So much anxiety and dread that I used to feel just melted away because my body was no longer trying to tell me to get out of a life that didn’t make sense to me.

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6. You can work for yourself (which means no more mean bosses!)

People are always asking me how I make money on the road.

So if you’re wondering, too, I’m a freelance writer and journalist. This means I can choose how much work to take on and do it in my own time from the comfort of my own home. (Well, my own van, but my husband built me a nice little office corner!)

I had tried various jobs in the past, but they never worked out. I found the conventional office environment extremely stressful — you can probably relate! — and eventually felt so overwhelmed and burned out that I walked away… for good. I thought I was doomed to be a serial quitter, but I just needed to find my path.

As a freelance writer, I am now earning a salary that meets all my needs while still creating a life that works for me. Plus, no mean colleagues or scary bosses to deal with; being self-employed, I am my own boss!

7. You can choose those you share your life with

Sensitive people are deeply empathetic and caring. That is a beautiful trait that we can be proud of. But it also means we can sometimes put up with toxic relationships because we are always willing to see the best in people and overlook the bad.

I spent years letting people walk all over me. (I’m no saint either; I’ve made plenty of mistakes!)

But now that I live far from other people, so many “friends” have naturally faded into the background. The people I still see and speak to on the phone are those that I really trust. They are the ones who have been there for me as much as I have been there for them.

I also meet fellow hermits on the road sometimes and connect with more people that want to live a kind and simple life. I have so much more self-confidence and energy now that I don’t make time for toxic friendships.

Of course, I do miss some things about my old life. It’s been tough being so far from my family during the COVID-19 pandemic, especially because we live in different countries. I can’t wait to give my sister and parents an enormous hug. But for now, at least I can honestly say I am happy and healthy. I couldn’t have said that back when I lived a conventional lifestyle! And I wish the same for you!

Sensitive and Burned Out? You Might Be Ready for the Nomad Life

Rachel Horne — Mon, 19 Oct 2020 13:00:00 +0000

Overworked, overwhelmed, and crippled with anxiety, I found relief in an unconventional life.

Throughout my teenage years and into my early 20s, life had been an uphill struggle.

I went through periods of deep depression and crippling anxiety, interspersed with periods where everything was more or less OK. I could not put my finger on the problem, but everything felt wrong. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle piece in the wrong box.

I already knew I was a highly sensitive person (HSP) and felt things more deeply than others — I was extremely sensitive to external stimuli (like sounds and smells), I’d absorb others’ feelings as though they were my own, and I’d easily get mentally and emotionally flooded.

Those HSP traits were with me at my best times and my worst times — my emotions were constantly magnified. Needless to say, that doesn’t improve anxiety.

Then, two years ago, taking a job in a dementia and end-of-life care home made matters worse.

I started working there to pay back my student loan debt, but the environment was an overstimulation nightmare: the bright strip lighting, the loud medical beeps, the screaming of frightened patients. Plus, there was the constant blaring of overlapping televisions and radios and the wailing grief of family members who had lost a loved one.

My highly sensitive receptors were totally overloaded.

My Breaking Point

Soon I had 96 patients to look after and only 30 hours a week to try and make sure they all had loving interactions and meaningful activities to take the edge off their lonely days.

I was under tremendous time constraints and had reams of paperwork piling up in my “office.” (Really, it was an oversized storage cupboard crammed with games, DVDs, and yours truly. I couldn’t even stand up without falling over an inflatable dartboard.)

It wasn’t all bad. There were rewarding moments, like the beaming face of a resident at the garden center who had not been on a trip for years, or the grateful embrace of a family member who told me that I’d made the final weeks of someone’s life a little happier. I also formed a wonderful connection to a patient who believed she was my supervisor and spent the day following me around the corridors and telling me I was doing an excellent job. (Super validating!)

I spent my spare time hiking in the forest or cycling in the hills. Occasionally, my closest friends were able to pry me away from the outdoors and convince me to go for a drink in the local pub.

But even in these moments of pleasure, I was struggling so much beneath the surface. I lasted five months in the job before experiencing terrible burnout.

I would cry when I laid in bed at night and cry when I woke up in the morning. I would cry in my horrible little office and pull over when the crying meant I couldn’t see the road ahead of me.

I thought about all the years that life had felt so hard. Was I doomed to a life of being sad? Was I ever going to get any better?

But I had no idea how much my life was about to change.

I found great healing in the open sky and orange sunset clouds. For once, my sensitive nature was at peace — and began working for me.

The Modern-Day Nomad Who Changed My Life

One weekend, I had a chance encounter with a Frenchman who was hitchhiking around the world. That Monday, with only a few hundred pounds to my name, I quit my job and joined him on the road

We lived in my little yellow tent for three months, exploring uninhabited islands and vast empty beaches of Scotland. In the daytime, we’d hike through the hills; in the evening, we’d pitch my tent wherever we ended up. Sitting on a cliff, hammered by horizontal rain, we ate foraged seaweed that we’d boiled with my pasta.

The beauty of nature is just one thing that highly sensitive people need to be happy, and I was definitely getting a good dose of it. Now, my highly sensitive senses were working to my benefit, as I’d notice all the details around me, from the way the eagles wheeled above our camp to the sounds of the dolphins that crashed in and out of the ocean below the cliff.

I didn’t have much money, but I didn’t need much either. We wild-camped every night — setting up camp away from organized campsites — and foraged for a lot of our food. We also did a lot of hitchhiking and met some beautiful people along the way.

On a side note, the experience totally restored my faith in humankind. People are so overwhelmingly good when given a chance. And, as an HSP, this made me tear up more than once.

However, things were not always easy. I was not magically OK now that I had left the real world behind me. I cried easily and a lot, and I got so cold that I went through thermal shock on more than one occasion. (Thank you for saving me, emergency blanket!)

But everything felt different now. Because now, I was hurting with the Earth. I found great healing in the open sky and orange sunset clouds since my connection to nature is a precious gift that comes from being an HSP.

At the same time, I was entering a new relationship with a man I barely knew. I have no idea why I thought it was a good plan to join a stranger on the road, but I’m glad I did. Florian is now my husband, and our relationship brings me so much peace and happiness.

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A Life That Nourishes the HSP Soul

We now live in the back of an off-grid van, a Peugeot Boxer that Florian lovingly converted into our home. Powered by solar panels and a lot of love, we slowly make our way through Europe’s wild places and winding roads.

It also turns out my sensitivity makes me an intuitive and compassionate horsewoman, and I have now worked with horses all over Europe. I’ve become a freelance travel writer and author, as well, earning a living with the creativity that so often comes with being HSP.

However, this life on the road isn’t always glamorous: Most of my clothes have a hole in them somewhere, and I have eaten more plain pasta than any one person ought to in a lifetime. And sometimes I miss my family and wish that I could make roots in a loving community.

My lifestyle is certainly not conventional, but it works for me — and I never even dreamed that things could feel this good.

Follow the Call of Your Sensitive Heart

For the sake of your mental health, I think it’s crucial to follow the call of your heart. Highly sensitive people process everything so deeply, and we aren’t going to be content just to bury our authentic emotions and live like we are told we should.

Whether your dream is to live on the open road or in a mansion, it doesn’t matter. What matters is having the guts to ask yourself what you really want from life, and then stepping toward your dreams with trust and courage.

I am deeply connected to nature and happily disconnected from the noise and expectations of daily life, of my former life.

Maybe I will settle down one day, but for now, I am on the healing journey of a lifetime. I don’t regret a single decision that I’ve made and only hope that you also follow the path your heart guides you toward.

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8 Tips for the Globetrotting HSP

Rachel Horne — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 13:00:47 +0000

Oh the fantasy of traveling abroad. Many of us dream about lying on the beach with a book, or eating exotic cuisine, or roaming carefree around a city while the summer sun freckles our noses and a sultry breeze blows our hair back.

Despite the thrill and fun of travel, it can also be quite stressful and demanding: Rushing to catch the train, the overwhelming noise and lights of busy stations, unfamiliar territory, and pressure to make the most out of every second of the day.

Travel can be especially exhausting for highly sensitive people (HSPs) because these pressures feel particularly overstimulating. Being both an HSP and a full-time traveler, I’ve had plenty of practice at making travel as calm and peaceful as it can possibly be. Here are some of my top tips so that you can do the same.

8 Ways to Make Travel More Palatable for HSPs

1. Leave plenty of time.

HSPs hate being rushed. Because we process things deeply, we can become unpleasantly overwhelmed when we feel the pressure of time constraints. This can make catching a flight, train, or bus even more stressful, especially if we’re in a new city and don’t know our way around.

Always leave more time than you think you need, and aim to be out of the house well ahead of schedule. That means different things depending on where you are: Maybe you need to plan a few extra hours during rush hour, or maybe you just need a solid 30-minute bubble to walk to the station.

Whatever the case may be, making sure you have plenty of time to get where you need to go takes a lot of pressure off, and can help you avoid the dreadful feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’re not sure that you’re going to make your flight or train.

2. Pack plenty of food.

Some people get angry when they’re hungry, but HSPs really do get hangry. We’re particularly sensitive to blood sugar changes, which means that feeling hungry impacts us more than it does non-HSPs.

It’s easy to get caught without lunch in the throes of a long journey. Since we know that getting hungry makes us feel irritable, vulnerable, and faint—none of which is helpful when you’ve got places to go and people to see—always pack some emergency biscuits (or granola bars or snacks) in your backpack to avoid a food-related meltdown.

3. Bring noise canceling help.

Not only are HSPs extremely sensitive to noise, but we are also extremely sensitive to the energy of other people. That can make being thrown into an overcrowded station along with its lights, unbearably loud announcements, and endless streams of stressed out people a perfect storm of HSP anxiety.

Earplugs or noise canceling headphones can really help reduce the audio input and therefore calm down our frazzled nerves. And if you’re worried about visibility, you can get small, subtle earplugs that are hardly noticeable, or blend right in with all the other people wearing over-the-ear headphones these days.

Perhaps you could even download some calm meditative music or affirmations to play through the headphones to help soothe your overworked nervous system.

4. Avoid rush hour.

This may seem obvious, but I’ve been caught off guard countless times when traveling abroad. Focusing on the train, plane, or ferry journey ahead, I tend to forget the part of the journey that I’ll need to take to actually get there—from home to station.

The last thing you want is to be stuck on public transport—like the subway or a bus—or in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Try to arrange transport which leaves and arrives outside of rush hour to make the whole experience calmer and less unpleasantly arousing.

5. Come prepared with breathing techniques.

Breathing techniques and meditation can be extremely useful tools to help calm down an overworked immune system. Many HSPs feel vulnerable, triggering a release of adrenaline as the body prepares for ‘fight’ or ‘flight.’ As useful as this can be in a real emergency situation, the adrenaline can lead to unnecessary anxiety for the HSP.

It might be difficult for you to meditate in a crowded place, but we can always match our breathing to our footsteps to make sure we are breathing slowly and deeply, as well as distract ourselves from some of the external stimuli, which we are constantly analyzing for threat.

Try breathing in for every four steps, then breathing out for every five. Slowing down our breathing also slows down our heart rate and helps to calm the body and the mind.

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6. Travel light.

HSPs like to be prepared, which can give us a tendency to overpack. This can be really useful when everyone else has forgotten their toothpaste and wants to borrow your spare socks, but it can also make the practicalities of travel more stressful than it needs to be.

Only take what you can comfortably carry, preferably in a backpack so you aren’t constantly worried about leaving your bag on the platform. It’s amazing how much packing lightly can change the travel experience, leaving you lighter in spirit as well as in luggage.

7. Avoid underground transit.

When planning our journeys abroad, we often rely on the quickest routes that we find via GPS. Although really convenient, underground transport systems—subways, metros—can be really uncomfortable for HSPs. Being separated from the fresh air above ground and the comforting sight of the sky can fuel that unease. Add to this the bad smells, loud noises, and overcrowding, and it’s obviously a place that can breed difficulties for sensitive people.

Consider alternative methods of transport—like buses, bikes, or taxis. There’s always the magic of getting around on foot when you’re in a foreign city. Not only will this be a brilliant opportunity to see the architecture and landscape that you’d miss underground, but you can avoid the unpleasant triggers of the metro and the exercise can help relieve built up stress hormones like cortisol.

8. Respect your limits.

It’s easy to try and do too much when we travel. As soon as we arrive, we want to fill every waking moment with activity to make sure we don’t waste any of our precious holiday time. Try to respect your emotional and physical limits, allowing plenty of time to rest. This can be particularly difficult if you are traveling with friends and family who put pressure on you to “get up and about” at the crack of dawn to visit museums and every monument in the city.

Remember to take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to tell your loved ones that you need time to reset, and that you’d like to sit some of the activities out. Your family might not realize how all the activities impact you if they aren’t an HSP, so loving communication can go a long way to bridge your differing needs and find a healthy compromise.

Highly sensitive people have so many strengths and qualities that make traveling all the more worthwhile. From their appreciation for art and nature, to their inquisitive minds and fine perception of details like texture, color, and sound. The world is a beautiful place, with so much to offer! Do yourself a favor by following these tips while you’re traveling and you’re sure to have the adventure of a lifetime.

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How to Speak to Loved Ones About Being Highly Sensitive

Rachel Horne — Mon, 27 Jul 2020 13:00:21 +0000

I scored 27 out of 27 on the HSP test. My dad scored a 3.

If you’re highly sensitive, being in a family of less-sensitive people can leave you feeling like you are losing your mind. Highly sensitive people (HSPs) feel the world around them deeply, require more alone time than others, and can easily become overwhelmed in crowded, noisy situations. For family members who don’t experience life that way, it can be extra hard for you to feel understood.

Once you have finally discovered and embraced the trait, you may well feel a rush of excitement to share it with your family and finally help them understand. Some families will totally identify with what you are saying and immediately get on board, making time to do further research and actively trying to modify their behavior to accommodate your needs.

But others may not give you the initial reaction you had hoped for. This can lead to feelings of isolation and rejection, a recurring theme for HSPs all over the world.

We can’t control how other people react to us revealing that we are HSP, but we can take steps to approach the conversation in a way that facilitates mutual understanding. Here are five tips to help you begin this important conversation with your loved ones.

5 Ways to Talk to Family About Being an HSP

1. Take it in stages.

As excited as you are to finally have your family understand your differences, all the new information can be hard for them to process if you attempt to tackle it all at once. If your loved ones have never heard of the term “highly sensitive person” before, it can be helpful to share the information with them in stages rather than one long blast.

You could start off by sharing the Highly Sensitive Person Scale, a 27-point test (streamline version found here) you can take to determine if you are an HSP, or read through the signs of an HSP together. Tell them what signs specifically align with your experience, and ask if they can find out if they identify with any themselves. This will really help bolster mutual understanding as you can verbalize the fundamental differences that impact how you interact with the world around you.

After doing this exercise with my Dad, our relationship became a lot easier. I scored “full marks” of 27 on the HSP Scale, whereas he came out with a score of 3. Now, when we start to approach a disagreement one of us can laugh and say “27” or “3,” reminding one another that we aren’t in conflict with one another, just different.

By sharing the occasional article or video about HSPs with your loved ones and explaining that it resonated, you can slowly establish “HSP” in your family’s vocabulary and create a base from which you can continue to build on.

2. Defer to the experts.

Trying to explain your personality trait to your loved ones can be overwhelming. It can be difficult to know where to start and how to avoid slipping into old patterns of feeling like you have to justify your existence.

Sometimes, deferring to the experts can be helpful. Dr. Elaine Aron, who first proved the existence of the HSP trait, had to study and work for many years in order to perfect her theory. You could try giving your partner or parents her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, asking them to read it and encouraging them to ask you any questions that arise.

Or you can point them in the direction of this very site, Highly Sensitive Refuge, and highlight a handful of articles that really spoke to you about your identity and experiences. The more research they can do on their end to help understand being highly sensitive, the better.

3. Try not to get too personal

Whenever we talk about something that matters to us, it’s easy to come across as accusatory. This is accentuated by the fact that human beings are really bad at listening! As much as we try to hear one another, we are often hearing what we assume the person is going to say or what we think the person is hiding between their words, rather than deeply listening to the message they are trying to get across.

This is totally normal and human, and HSPs and non-HSPs alike can be guilty of this. With that in mind, it’s important to keep the tone respectful and maintain safety throughout the conversation by trying to avoid judgment.

For example, you could open the conversation by saying: There’s something I’d like to talk to you about to help us understand one another even better, would that be okay?

By choosing this non-accusatory question to open the conversation, you are removing any personal element that might come with a sentence like, I want you to understand me better. Keeping it neutral, rather than personal, helps support your listener to really engage with what you are saying without feeling threatened or attacked. A sense of respect and security is essential in order to establish a loving and nurturing conversation.

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4. Write it down.

Having decided to talk to your loved ones about HSP, your brain is probably overflowing with ideas and concerns about how to broach the subject: Will they understand me? Will they think I’m being an attention seeker? Will they reject me?

One way to help you organize your thoughts is to write down what you are feeling. The process is not only therapeutic in and of itself, but it may be useful for those who find it difficult to articulate their feelings without being overwhelmed by emotions. For some people, writing a short letter or email to their family members explaining the trait may be easier and more productive than talking in person, especially if your relationships have a tendency toward conflict.

When writing it all down, we can take time to make sure our words are loving and non-confrontational, whilst still expressing what we want to say.

Why not start out with: Hey Mum. I wanted to send you a few links to a personality trait that I discovered and see what you think. I feel like this could be very relevant to our relationship and help us to be even more supportive of one another. Could you please check it out and share your thoughts?

If you have a relationship with an established history of safe discussion about your emotions, you could try a more personal letter. Try to keep your message positive rather than accusing your family of not understanding, as this will be easier for them to receive and process.

5. Practice self-acceptance

Although being understood and accepted by those around us feels extremely important, it is far more important that we understand and accept ourselves. Remember that being highly sensitive isn’t an illness, but rather a personality trait with many wonderful strengths.

You don’t need anyone else to approve of you in order to be worthy. You were born being everything that you need to be! Unfortunately, some people will not accept us — ever. This isn’t because we are flawed, but for the very strengths that make us shine so brightly. We cannot teach other people to be more understanding, but we can teach ourselves to be more resilient to this lack of understanding.

One way to find this self-acceptance is to realize that you are not alone! You can join the Highly Sensitive Refuge support group on Facebook, where you will find yourself among thousands of like-minded people who are rooting for you. Once you realize that you are not crazy and your feelings are valid, getting the understanding of every person in your life becomes less important.

I hope that you find a way to speak about being an HSP with your loved ones. Whatever happens, remember that you are a wonderful person, worthy of all the love and happiness in the world!

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