Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are sensitive souls who are so very in touch with their emotions, yet also spend quite a bit of time thinking about things in their headspace. With their strong desire to not only be liked by others, but also to not let others down, they can certainly be a bit tough on themselves. This pressure isn’t the best feeling, for sure, and combined with anxiety and depression that some HSPs may experience, it can certainly feel difficult to navigate.

Let’s talk about thoughts for a moment. Have you ever noticed that the more you focus on a thought, the stronger the emotion underneath it becomes? Take a minute to remember a time something happened that you felt really anxious about. Maybe you were worried someone was upset at you, for example. I bet the more you thought about it, and the more you ruminated on it, the more that feeling of anxiety grew stronger and stronger and stronger — uugh! But, if we look at the other side of the coin, which is so easy to forget to do sometimes, there may be times when something happens that feels exciting, or even makes you really happy. Maybe someone told you how much something you did helped them, and your feelings of happiness and joy made you feel like you were on top of the world.

So, in knowing this — how much thoughts impact how you feel — it’s especially important to be aware of the thoughts that you’re experiencing. Especially those more automatic thoughts.  Those thoughts are the sneaky ones, as they’re so second nature, you may not even think twice about them. And, unfortunately, they aren’t often the thoughts that make you feel happy and secure. For example, if you suddenly find a thought in your head that seems to come out of nowhere, it’s an automatic thought, as it’s not something you’re consciously thinking about. It’s like background noise that often doesn’t stay in the background. For example, let’s say you’re thinking of pursuing something that sounds interesting to you and your self talk quickly moves to “You know this is a terrible idea. How are you even going to make this work? What are you even thinking?” This is an example of an automatic thought. And if you’re a sensitive person, these thoughts may be even more magnified. (After all, it’s hard for HSPs to take constructive criticism, even when it’s well-intended.)

What Are Cognitive Distortions?

We’re going to go over some particular types of thoughts called cognitive distortions. As a psychotherapist, I see this type of thinking quite frequently as it is so, so, so common. I really believe everyone has experienced these in one form or another. So, if you identify with any of the points listed below, please know you are not alone by any means. 

But first, what are cognitive distortions? They’re when you have a distorted and irrational thought process that really impacts how you perceive a situation. You may also recognize them as part of the inner critic, that inner voice that’s judging and second-guessing you. Of course, in the moment, it feels so very real. Especially the more you think and ruminate on it, as HSPs tend to do. But, at the core, these thoughts are just thoughts. And thoughts like these are often based on assumptions. It is crucial to remember this. 

So, in knowing this, it’s always good to challenge your automatic thoughts. For example, if we reference the example above, you can ask yourself, “Is this really, truly what’s happening here? Or, is this my anxiety speaking?” And then you can decide if there’s any validity behind what these thoughts are trying to convince you of. In order to challenge them, it’s important to take a step outside of your headspace. Kind of like seeing them from an outside perspective, as though to say, “Hey, wait a minute here. Is that you again, cognitive distortion?” But, keep reading to learn about some common cognitive distortions that HSPs may experience. 

5 Cognitive Distortions HSPs May Experience

1. Catastrophizing — thinking about the worst-case scenario

I have a feeling this one may feel familiar. This is when you have a case of the “what-ifs,” as I like to call them:

• “What if I fail this test and get kicked out of school?” 
• “What if I forget what I want to say during my presentation and everyone will think I don’t know what I’m doing?” 
• “My friend is late to meet me. What if she hates hanging out with me?” 
• “My husband isn’t answering his phone. What if he got into an accident?” 

As you can see in all these examples, you are jumping to conclusions — and the conclusions are worst-case scenarios, with anxiety and sadness mixed in. And when you’re a sensitive person, you’re already empathic and taking on others’ emotions, which makes it easy to catastrophize, too.

2. Personalization — yes, when you take things personally, to a fault

This type of cognitive distortion is where you take things personally.  But, you take things so personally that it can include things that aren’t even caused by you — yet you attribute meaning to it anyway. 

Let’s say you just went on a date that went amazingly and you can’t wait to talk to this person again. Your HSP intuition thinks it went well and you are so eager to hear from them that you find yourself intently checking your phone the next day. But, no message. And then the thoughts start. They may be saying: 

• “What did I do?” 
• “Why aren’t they texting me?” 
• “What did I say?” 
• “Why am I not good enough?” 
• “If only I was prettier…”  
• “If only I was more successful then she/he/they would definitely text me right away…”

All of these thoughts are jumping to conclusions again and you’re taking it personally that your date is not texting you after just one day, which is so easy for the sensitive HSP to do.

Another example might be if you’re a parent and your child is struggling in school. You may start to blame yourself, worry about others judging you, or even believe your child’s academic struggles must mean that you are a terrible parent. Therefore, you take their academic struggles personally. This is a rather common cognitive distortion for HSPs since HSPs often are prone toward personalizing things when they perceive someone to be upset or distressed.

3. Filtering — when you look at a situation through a filter, usually a negative one

Filtering is when you look at something that has happened through a “filter,” and in cognitive distortions, this is usually through a more negative filter. When this happens, you also tend to overlook the positive things that happened, as all you see are the negative aspects. It’s as though the positive pieces are filtered out. It makes me think of looking at a situation through binoculars and having a filter suddenly turned on. Some examples may be:

• You’ve given a presentation at work and everyone shared what a great job you did!  Except for one person, who told you, “It would have been better if you would have included xyz.” This is frustrating when it happens, but in filtering, you may start to think, “I did a terrible job. See? I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m never going to agree to do a presentation again.” Therefore, you filter out all of the positive and zone in on the negative statement from one person.
• Or perhaps you’ve begun to explore your passion for art. You get up the courage to share a piece you’ve created with some friends and family members. Everyone is sharing what a great artist you are, except one person gives you criticism. In filtering, your inner critic may say, “oOf course this was terrible — they were just being nice and didn’t mean what they said” or “I’m never going to share my art with anyone again.”

This can commonly happen when you want approval: you want to be liked or accepted by someone, as you tend to be tougher on yourself in these instances. It can also relate to having high expectations for yourself so you won’t let someone else down — which is also important to  HSPs since there’s often a strong tendency to feel responsible for others’ feelings.

If we look at an example, maybe you received a performance review at work and everything is positive except for one piece of constructive criticism. Has this ever happened to you before? If yes, then you may know how this story plays out. Your filter of the review is overly focused on the “negative,” the growth area, rather than acknowledging all of the positive feedback you received. You are left feeling as though you have failed in some way.

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4. “Should”-isms — when you think you “should” have done this or “should” have done that

Have you ever had a case of the “should-isms”? You know, those times when you feel things “should” be a certain way? Or when you feel you “should have” done this or said that? Yes, this is another cognitive distortion which creates a sense of pressure and expectation: 

• “I should have a superior rating in all categories of my performance review.” 
• “My wife should just know to ask me if I’m okay when I’m quiet.” 
• “I should be funny and talkative or they won’t like me.” 

When the “shoulds” are not met, there’s an energy of being “let down,” and this can definitely be followed by feelings of sadness and disappointment. Maybe you believe you are letting yourself down, letting others down, or others are even letting you down. When others are involved, this often speaks to unspoken or assumed expectations. And, since highly sensitive people are empaths, they may think others are as in tune with their feelings as they are with theirs, which is often not the case.

5. All-or-nothing thinking — there is no grey area

The words “never,” “always,” and “every” usually tag along with all-or-nothing thinking. Some examples may be:   

• “I’m always disappointing her.”
• “He is always yelling at me.”
• “I can never do anything right.”
• “I’m always saying things that make me look ridiculous.” 

It’s really seeing things through the lens of absolutes — there is zero room for a grey area. Which means zero room for self-compassion, too. And, for highly sensitive people, who often are really tough on themselves, it sometimes can be difficult to see these types of situations through a different lens when self-blame kicks in.

For example, maybe you’ve mustered up the courage to attend a party, despite feeling anxious.  You’re having a great conversation and then – the conversation comes to a standstill.  You feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say.  This person says “it’s been nice talking to you” and walks away.  You may think “I’m always so boring, uugh, why can’t I ever think of anything interesting to say to keep the conversation going?  I’m always messing up conversations.  I’m never going to make any new friends.” This is an example of all or nothing thinking.

What You Can Do If You Experience Cognitive Distortions

So, do any of the above feel like they ring true for you? And what can you do if you experience them?

Step back from your thoughts. Yes, this may be a challenge since highly sensitive people are big thinkers. But, just like with any change you are working to make, this helps with having an awareness of the types of thoughts you are having — rather than them operating automatically or on autopilot. Another important piece is this process helps you to see that the thoughts are a part of you, which makes it easier to evaluate them. If you’re too “in them,” it’s hard to look at them from the lens of challenging them. So, try to notice what your thoughts are saying. Are your thoughts more negative, more positive, more critical, or more worrisome? What situations tend to trigger them for you? And, what emotions do you notice? It’s like you’re evaluating the pattern or the process.

Ask yourself if they are one of the cognitive distortions that you may have resonated with. If the answer is yes, you can literally tell yourself, “Stop.” This can interrupt the thoughts. One technique I often share with my clients is to ask yourself, “How is this thought helpful?” and “What is the evidence here?” You may even want to write this down or say it out loud, as if it is irrational, it becomes much easier to recognize this way. (Plus, HSPs are great at processing things deeply, and writing is an effective way to do so.) Similar to when you’re talking to a friend and find yourself saying, “Now that I say that out loud, it sounds ridiculous.”

What is a new thought you would like to tell yourself? Let’s use an example that your husband is not picking up his phone and your immediate thought is, “Oh my gosh, what if he got into an accident?” This is then followed by anxiety and fear. A new thought could be, “Maybe he’s on the phone” or “He has been tired lately; maybe he fell asleep” or “Maybe he’s busy right now. I’ll try to call him again in 20 minutes.”

If irrational thoughts and cognitive distortions feel overwhelming to you, seeking professional help from a licensed therapist is always a great option. It’s best to look for a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which helps you take a closer look at your thought patterns, identify cognitive distortions and irrational thoughts that you may be experiencing, and helps you learn to challenge these thought patterns in order to create new, healthier ways of thinking.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• How to Stop Personalizing Things as an HSP
• 5 Strategies for HSPs and Empaths to Heal Emotional Triggers
• The Importance of Going to Therapy as a Highly Sensitive Person

The post 5 ‘Cognitive Distortions’ That Trap HSPs appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Let’s say you find yourself working late on a Friday night… again. Your boss would really like to review the report you’re working on over the weekend. You have dinner plans with friends — it’s the one night of the week you get to see them — but you cancel. Again. After all, your boss is so nice, you love your job, and promotions are coming up, so… what’s one more Friday night sacrificed?

But it’s not just one Friday night. Every time they ask you to stay late or do extra work, you happily agree. You’re feeling overwhelmed and burned out, but the thought of telling your boss feels out of the question. You may think, I don’t want them to think I can’t handle things or that they can’t count on me. In essence, you want to feel worthy and want approval, and don’t want your boss to feel disappointed in you. A part of you is looking for these things from your boss, this external validation, as you may not feel confident within yourself regarding the worth and value you bring to the table. So you continue to say “Yes” — to everything they ask — even though you’d like to have a better work-life balance.

But how can you still please your boss, and others, without being a “people-pleaser,” per se? How can you stop saying “Yes” all the time? Isn’t people-pleasing simply being kind and helpful, or is there more to it? How might you know if you are a people-pleaser? And why does this seem to be common among highly sensitive people (HSPs)? Let’s take a look at each of these things.

What Is People-Pleasing?

Before we get more into people-pleasing — and why HSPs tend to do it — let’s look at a dictionary definition of this term. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines people-pleasing as: “someone or something that pleases or wants to please people; a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” PsychCentral also notes that it’s more of a need to belong and deep-rooted in your DNA.

Hmmm, interesting! Well, as you can see, this may seem like someone just wants to be kind and helpful. They can always be counted on to say “Yes!” to requests and tasks, and are generally quite agreeable. You may notice this in work settings, relationships, families, and more.

To the people-pleaser themselves, this may be something that feels really good. It’s a nice feeling to know you are “wanted” and able to help someone — as though you’re helping to make their life a bit easier. Plus, you don’t want to disappoint them. However, if we dive a bit deeper here, there is also an emotional need that is playing a role. After all, the last part of the definition reads “often at the expense of his or her own needs and desires.” This is the critical part of what defines people-pleasing.

These emotional needs in the people-pleaser generally reside more so in the subconscious mind. This means that those additional motivators and experiences that occur as part of people-pleasing are beneath the surface and aren’t always apparent to others. And, oftentimes, they’re often not even apparent to the people-pleaser themselves. So what is the unconscious motivation for the people-pleaser? 

Here are some examples:

• To feel liked
• To feel appreciated
• To feel loved and accepted
• To feel wanted
• To feel seen
• To feel worthy
• To feel safe in that others won’t leave them (fear of abandonment)
• To receive validation or gain approval
• To know others won’t be upset with them (i.e., fear of getting in trouble, being criticized, or disappointing others)
• To be viewed as reliable and someone to be counted on

As a psychotherapist, people-pleasing is definitely a topic that has made its way into the therapy room. Sometimes it’s from the person who identifies as a people-pleaser. They feel awful even thinking about saying “no” or letting someone else down, and often the idea of this gives them anxiety. But, after a while, I’ve found it takes a toll on them. They are giving so much of themselves in this people-pleasing space that they have little time/energy/you-name-it left for themselves.

And, in another context which I feel is important to mention, I’ve also heard from people who experience some irritation toward people-pleasers in their life. In a similar way, at first, it may feel good that they may come across as so agreeable and eager-to-please — but this also leads to frustration. An example that I’ve heard is, “I just want Joe to say what he really thinks and not simply say and do what he thinks I want to hear.”

The Main Difference Between People-Pleasing and Being Kind

This is an important question and one the people-pleaser often asks themselves as they begin to reflect more on their patterns of behavior. Being kind and helping others is certainly an admirable trait. If you are helping others because it truly feels good, that is not a bad thing at all. 

It becomes detrimental, however, when you find yourself asking, “I don’t really want to do this, but what will happen if I say no?” You may answer with, “What if they’re mad at me?” “What if they don’t like me? “What if they no longer want to be friends with me?” “What if I get in trouble?” “What if they stop asking me for help?” And so on.

So if these questions pop up in your mind and you feel like you “need” to say yes in order to “avoid a bad feeling or circumstance,” this is when it becomes a concern. And it’s a concern because when you say yes from a space of fear vs. really wanting to say yes, you will eventually become resentful. This means you are giving from a space at the expense of your own needs and desires. Which takes us to our next point…

Why Is People-Pleasing Unhealthy?

Let’s look at the emotional cost of people-pleasing tendencies. A challenging part of it is that the people-pleaser might not have a full awareness of this cost until it’s too late. The people-pleaser is often saying yes initially because they want to. But, in diving deeper again, there is a part of them that’s trying to protect them from something. So engaging in people-pleasing behaviors serves a deeper need.

Let’s look at an example. Timothy grew up in a household where the only way he could receive his mother’s approval was by saying yes to each of her requests — which, essentially, pleased her. When she was upset with him, he could feel it so deeply due to his HSP nature, so he continued to do all he could to avoid disappointing her. So now, in his adult relationships, this same unhealthy pattern continues to show up for him. Timothy did not realize this connection until he started going to therapy, which helped him better understand this pattern. He now has a conscious awareness of it and is able to make changes and recognize when he’s people-pleasing.

Essentially, people-pleasing feels good… until it doesn’t. If you think about it, it’s really just a temporary feeling, as how you feel tends to be tied into the other person’s response. There’s also a shift that tends to happen for the people-pleaser: they start to feel resentful, especially if, after a while, they aren’t receiving appreciation or validation from their actions. Have you noticed that for yourself? It then turns into a feeling of being unappreciated and taken advantage of rather than continuing to want to please. For example, Jerry may say to his wife, “I go out of my way to help you. It would be nice to get a ‘thank-you’ every once in a while.”

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Why HSPs Are Often People-Pleasers

Many highly sensitive people have spent a majority of their lives feeling different or as though something is “wrong” with them for being so deeply sensitive. So, receiving validation, acceptance, or feeling needed by someone feels incredibly good. In knowing this, it makes sense why HSPs would gravitate toward people-pleasing or overextending themselves to help others. 

Here are some signs you might be a people-pleaser:

• You want (and need) to be liked
• You find yourself seeking out external validation
• You feel guilty about saying no
• You worry about what people think of you (or will think of you)
• You over-apologize
• You’re afraid of being criticized or doing the wrong thing
• You tend to avoid conflict 
• You find yourself saying yes to things, even if you don’t really want to, deep down

If you recognize that you’re doing some of these things, the good news is, you can work on changing them — either on your own, with a therapist, or both.

How to Change People-Pleasing Behavior 

Initially, it may not be easy to change your people-pleasing ways since they’re so ingrained in your being. But, like with anything, it just takes practice. And then more practice. Here are six things to keep in mind.

• Become aware of your people-pleasing tendencies. If it tends to happen frequently, then it’s safe to say it may be a pattern for you. It’s okay to acknowledge this, as it’s a pattern that you learned over time that’s helped you in some way. 
• Ask yourself, “What will they think if I say no?” Whether you think of one thing they may think, or many, really think this through.
• Ask yourself, “What does this say about me if I say no?” This is a crucial question to mull over. Write down everything that comes to mind.
• Ask yourself if your belief from the above is truly accurate. You may think they’ll get mad at you or be disappointed in you, but this is probably not the case at all. (It’s likely more about you than them. You don’t want to disappoint them if you say no to working late on a Friday night, but if you say you have dinner plans, you’re exercising your boundaries and they’ll probably respect you more for this, if that makes sense.)
• Start practicing some soft “no”s. For example, say, “I can’t do this now, but maybe later I can help.” This helps you test out how it feels, as you’re preparing to make changes. And the more you practice these soft “no”s, the easier it will be to practice — and then put into practice — the harder “no”s.
• Work with a therapist on self-love, self-esteem, and truly believing that your needs are valid. This is a belief that needs to come from within you. This will help you feel more comfortable in setting boundaries and staying true to you and your values (like time with friends on Friday nights — or even time to just do “nothing” and have some you-time). When you live in integrity with yourself, this is what’s sustainable vs. the temporary relief from pleasing others (i.e., finishing that report on a Friday night).

Remember, it’s important to know that it’s safe — and healthy — to put your needs first. Those who care about you will respect this choice (and your boundaries) and encourage you to continue doing so. And who knows? They may even be inspired to do the same.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• How Highly Sensitive People Can Stop Saying Yes When They Want to Say No
• Disappointing Others Can Be an Act of Self-Love
• How ‘Doing Nothing’ Does Something Big for HSPs

The post Why Highly Sensitive People Tend to Be People-Pleasers — and How to Stop appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Being labeled a “sensitive person” often has a negative reputation. You may hear comments like “Why are you so sensitive,” which may lead you to believe something is wrong with you. 

But, as a psychotherapist, I’m here to tell you that being sensitive is a good thing! It means you are very connected to your emotional world — in a world where many avoid their feelings and inner experiences, this truly is a gift! Plus, you’re in good company — about 20 percent of the population is made up of highly sensitive people (HSPs). 

When sensitivity pops into your mind, what comes to mind? Is it someone who cries easily or takes things personally? Or someone who gets overwhelmed by too much stimuli around them?

Well, whether you’re aware of them or not, there are many signs that you may secretly be a sensitive person.

13 Signs You’re Secretly a Sensitive Person  

1. You have a strong intuition — almost a “sixth sense” about things.

Intuition is sometimes referred to as your “personal GPS” — and those who are sensitive may find they have an “inner knowing” about something (or, frankly, about almost everything). 

While many people experience these types of intuitive nudges, they choose (either consciously or subconsciously) to overlook them. But for those who are sensitive, their intuitive self is more heightened; that inner voice is really hard to ignore.

And, almost always, it’s also right. 

2. You can read people.

Can you sense the emotions and intentions of other people? For instance, can just feel when someone is lying, anxious, sad, or mad — even if they are doing their best to conceal it? If you can, you’re probably an HSP.

Highly sensitive people are highly attuned to micro-expressions, body language, and other subtle emotional cues that most people either don’t notice or can’t interpret. Some people describe this as being an “empath,” but others who experience it might say they’re simply good at reading people.

In many cases, highly sensitive people will even absorb the emotions of others and mirror them; they literally feel what others are feeling. Not all HSPs have this experience, but nearly everyone who does have it is highly sensitive.

This ability to absorb emotions is usually coupled with being very aware of (and affected by) your own emotions as well, both the good and the bad. In many cases it can leave you feel exhausted.

Speaking of which … 

3. You need more sleep than you think you do.

Sensitive people require extra sleep; maybe your partner or family members even tease you about this. 

But sleep helps you to feel rested and rejuvenated from all that you’ve absorbed throughout the day. Yes, as a sensitive person, it truly feels as though you’ve absorbed others’ energies and emotions, not to mention all the stimuli you were exposed to all day long. And that’s a lot to carry, so it makes sense you may need some extra rest. 

Additionally, you may also resolve conscious (or subconscious) upsets in your dreams, which is like doing work in your dreams, in a sense. So even when you’re sleeping, your mind is still quite active. This can also lead to you needing some additional shut-eye.

4. You have a vivid dream world — you’re one of those people who remembers every little detail. 

Do you tend to dream often? What do you recall about your dreams? 

Those who are sensitive have a vivid inner world and often resolve or work things out in their dreams. Because of this, it can be really helpful to keep a dream journal to track your dreams. 

Ask yourself: What were the themes? What symbolism was represented? And, most importantly, how did you feel in the dreams and upon waking up?  

This can be valuable information, especially as you reread your dream journal to recognize any patterns that emerge. 

5. You get overstimulated in crowds.

Sometimes crowded places, and being around crowds, can feel annoying for anybody. But for those who are sensitive, this may feel intolerable and you may easily become overstimulated. All the people, emotions, energy, and stimuli — it’s all too much!  

Those who are sensitive need their space, as these environments feel draining, mentally and emotionally. As a result, you may find you avoid crowds or are only able to tolerate crowds, parties, or social gatherings for small periods at a time. 

6. You are very cognizant of noise, even if others don’t sense it as much.

If you have found yourself sensitive to noise, you are probably secretly sensitive. 

Whether it’s a TV turned up too loud, an ambulance driving by, or a ticking clock in an otherwise quiet room, many types of “noises” may annoy you … even though other people may not even notice them.

But you noticing them is a sign your sensitivities have kicked into high gear, and you may find yourself feeling uncomfortable, annoyed, or have trouble focusing.

7. You feel a connection with TV, movie, or book characters.    

If you’re a sensitive person, not only will you naturally absorb the emotions of people in person, but also fictional ones: in TV shows, movies, and books. Heck, I think everyone I’ve met has cried during at least one episode of This Is Us or had an emotional reaction to a Grey’s Anatomy plot. 

And those who are sensitive feel a really deep connection to characters and storylines — it may feel as though the characters are part of your life and world. You may notice sadness, grief, anxiety, excitement, or anger heighten when reading a book, watching a show, or even while watching a TV commercial! 

8. You have a deep connection with music and the arts.     

Those who are sensitive often appreciate the little things in life; they experience a deep connection with, and are drawn toward, things they find beautiful. This can include flowers, nature, music, and art, to name a few examples. You may even feel as though these things “speak to your soul.”  

Whether you admire these things from a distance, or actually create music and art yourself, it may feel as though you get lost in the beauty of the experience. These experiences make you happy and may also feel calming, as though they are helping you escape from the stress of your outer world.

9. You have a heightened imagination — daydreaming is part of your being.

A vivid, active imagination is common for those who are sensitive. 

Similar to your dream world when you are sleeping, while awake — if you find that you spend a lot of time in your head imagining, visualizing, and daydreaming about things — it’s a sign you are sensitive. 

You may also find yourself experiencing the feelings of joy, happiness, or love during your daydreams.

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10. You often crave “me” time (especially after getting overstimulated).

Since being around groups of people can make sensitive people feel overstimulated, it also makes them crave alone time — it’s a necessity in order for them to recharge. 

Whether you create an HSP sanctuary — an area of your bedroom or home full of calming things, like throw pillows, scented candles, and your favorite books — your “me” time is time to relax, rejuvenate, get grounded, and enjoy being with yourself. 

Others may not understand your need for alone time, but it’s something you need in order to get rebalanced.

11. You have an undeniable love for — and connection with — animals. 

Those who are secretly sensitive have a special bond with the animal world. Whether it’s your own pet or an animal you encounter, you feel an instant connection with them, and it may feel soothing to pet them or feel their calmness, like the purr of a cat.

Others may say to you, “Wow, my pets never approach people, but they seem so drawn to you.” You’re like an “animal whisperer,” as you feel you can connect and communicate with animals in a way others simply cannot.

In essence, you see animals as special creatures with a soul — not as simply as “animals.”

12. You’re a natural helper — your empathetic nature makes you readily available to help others.

Those who are secretly sensitive may often find themselves in helping roles, such as that of a counselor, nurse, or a teacher. This may be the path you follow professionally, but it also may show up as the role you play with friends or family. 

No matter what, you always want to help others feel better. Remember, as a sensitive type, you constantly feel the emotions of others, so it feels good to know you are able to help them, too. 

However, it’s important to find a balance so you don’t overextend yourself or fall into a people-pleasing pattern. You need to “fill your cup” — take care of yourself — first, so you’re not giving from an empty cup. 

13. You may experience anxiety and/or depression.

Since those who are sensitive are very in-tune with their inner world and emotions, and deeply connect with the outer world, research shows they may find themselves a bit more susceptible to depression and anxiety more so than those who are not as sensitive. 

This is because they tend to “wear their heart on their sleeve” and show their emotions quite easily. They also spend more time in their headspace, perhaps worrying about the future or replaying things from the past, which can also contribute to depression and anxiety.

Remember, Your ‘Secret’ Sensitivity Is Your ‘Secret’ Gift

Remember, in a world where many tune out from their emotions and inner world, your “secret” sensitivity is truly a “secret” gift. You are able to experience life through a deeper lens and see the beauty in your experiences. 

To end with a quote I love: 

“I used to dislike being sensitive. I thought it made me weak. But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essence of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to empathize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation of the little things, my vivid inner life, my keen awareness of others’ pain and my passion for it all.”  —Caitlin Japa

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Do You Cry Easily? You Might Be a Highly Sensitive Person
• 4 Ways Being Highly Sensitive Is a Divine Gift to the World
• 21 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

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The post 13 Signs You’re Secretly a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

In times you are hurting or feeling insecure, it can feel so healing to receive comfort and understanding from those you care about. Having your experiences and feelings validated is a crucial piece in healthy relationships, as it helps with trust and feeling safe in being vulnerable.  

However, not all relationships provide emotional validation. Sometimes, quite the opposite happens and your thoughts and feelings are judged or dismissed instead. This shows up in all sorts of relationships, but the most impactful ones tend to be when it happens in parent-child relationships and romantic relationships.

Some examples of invalidating statements include:

• “Stop being so sensitive.”
• “Ugh, stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
• “Oh geez, there you go again…”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “You’re just looking for attention.”
• “You’re so dramatic.”
• “Can’t you just get over it?”
• “You have it good — what is there to be upset about?”

In my work as a psychotherapist, I have worked with several clients who are either currently in invalidating relationships or who continue to suffer from the aftereffects of this and need help with the recovery process. I also teach couples I work with how essential and important validating statements are, and teach them skills on implementing them more frequently. As often, people unconsciously exhibit behaviors that are familiar to them. So if they were invalidated as a child — and told something from above, like “You’re just looking for attention” — they may end up invalidating their partners or children, too.

Invalidation is painful for everyone, but can feel especially hurtful for highly sensitive people (HSPs). And HSPs may be suffering from invalidation — and may not even know it.

Understanding the Link Between Invalidation and HSPs

Invalidation feels like criticism of your character, which deeply impacts HSPs and increases feelings of anxiety and depression, which HSPs are more susceptible to experience. Invalidation can also feel like gaslighting, a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, where one really starts to question which is true: their emotional experience or the invalidation.

For example, let’s say you tell your partner you had a bad day and tearfully ask for a hug. A validating response would be, “Of course! I’m sorry you had a bad day. Do you want to tell me about it?” Whereas an invalidating response would be, “You seem to keep having problems with Sally. Are you sure you’re not doing something to upset her?”

For many, invalidation starts in childhood. A highly sensitive child growing up in a family where chronic invalidation occurs may begin to believe their feelings are “too much,” that something is wrong with them for feeling deeply, or that expressing their feelings is burdensome and unwanted. These then have the potential to become beliefs they carry about themselves into adulthood.

Maybe young Joey is having anxiety about school. He isn’t sure how to handle it and so it manifests through stomachaches and a refusal to go. A validating parent may ask Joey, “Has something happened at school? I’m here to listen, tell me what’s going on.” However, an invalidating parent may say, “Why are you making my life so difficult? Just go to school. I’m tired of your attention-seeking behavior.”

Invalidating statements from your childhood can certainly continue as an adult. An invalidating parental voice turns into an invalidating inner critic. For example, have you ever told yourself to “stop being so emotional,” “get it together,” or “stop being such a baby”? This is now you invalidating your own emotions.

As you can see, invalidation is something that really sticks with you. For HSPs who feel emotions and rejections so deeply, this actually has the potential of having long-term effects. But, not to worry, you can recover from this, so make sure to keep reading to the end!

What Are the Effects of Chronic Invalidation?

PsychCentral cited some common long-term effects of adult children of invalidating parents. I want to touch on a few of them here. Remember, these are based on chronic invalidation, not a one-time occurrence. 

Involved in abusive relationships. Chronic invalidation is a form of emotional abuse. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are commonly known to invalidate their children and partners, but it’s not solely people with narcissistic tendencies who exhibit these traits. (And, due to their kind, giving nature, some HSPs may attract narcissists and their need for admiration, validation, attention, and control.)

When you experience chronic invalidation, it’s hard to decipher a healthy and appropriate form of emotional expression versus something that’s not. You may find you normalize invalidating experiences without even realizing it or that you continue to experience a pattern of ending up in relationships that are invalidating. Or, if you are in a healthy relationship, you may unintentionally self-sabotage the success of the relationship because you fear “it’s too good to be true.” This is something I see in several of my clients who are recovering from invalidating experiences.

Codependent on your partner. Emotional codependency is when you view your worth as dependent on how your partner responds to you. If your partner has a bad day, you feel it’s your fault. If your partner is happy with you, you breathe a sigh of relief that they’re in a good mood — it likely feels validating to you. When your self-worth is impacted by invalidation, you may find yourself seeking a relationship where you receive love at least “some of the time” or settle for what feels “good enough.” You may find that you believe you’re asking for too much or tolerate disrespect, as you believe that’s normal. This is an unhealthy pattern that many HSPs who have encountered invalidating experiences may be at risk of falling into. This is because highly sensitive people struggle with codependency. In such relationships, there is a “need” (as compared to a “want”) to please your partner and you feel your purpose is to make them happy or even to “fix them.” While it’s great that HSPs are so empathetic, codependency takes it to a whole other level.    

Suffer from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or anger issues. Feeling invalidated is angering. If you experience this, you can name it as such. HSPs really want to feel heard, understood, and accepted for who they are. Anger protects a more vulnerable emotion, and this is where sadness and depression can usually be found. Some consider depression to be “anger turned inwards.” HSPs are prone to experiencing anxiety and depression, and experiencing chronic invalidation can create that feeling of loneliness despite being around others.  

Experiencing chronic invalidation can cause you to feel like none of your experiences or feelings are valid or worth mentioning. And since HSPs are more sensitive to external stimuli and the last thing they want to do is disappoint others, they may try to bury their feelings or take things harder, which isn’t healthy either.

Additionally, literature has found a strong correlation with experiencing invalidation from your family and self-harm (i.e., cutting) and suicidal ideation. This same study also references Marsha Linehan’s work on studying borderline personality disorder (BPD). The study suggests that “Linehan’s biosocial theory of borderline personality disorder (BPD), a disorder marked by elevated rates of suicidal and self-injurious behaviors, proposes that BPD develops as a consequence of both a biologically based disposition toward negative affectivity and an invalidating environment marked by intolerance toward the expression of private emotional experiences.” Meaning, words can really impact and negatively affect someone.

In a Gottman Institute blog, Jenny TeGrotenhuis, licensed mental health counselor, describes invalidation as “a form of relational trauma which, over time, harms the brain and nervous system, and also results in the disintegration of any healthy bonds of connection, and dissolution of trust in others. Healing requires the slow, ongoing work of diligent growth in character, self-awareness, and love.” 

Due to the fact that HSPs have a nervous system that is quite sensitive to external stimuli, and since they feel emotions so deeply, we can see why invalidation is so damaging for them. 

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What to Do if You Experience Chronic Invalidation

If you feel you’re experiencing chronic invalidation, luckily, there is hope and a few methods you can try.

Work with a therapist for support. To help you overcome invalidating relationships, look for a therapist who specializes in self-love or recovery from narcissistic abuse. By working with a therapist, one of the most valuable skills you will learn is discovering the path to self-love and self-compassion. This is how you’ll learn to trust your feelings and the beauty of expressing them. You’ll learn to fully love yourself and begin healing. 

Once you recognize that a relationship is invalidating, it’s important to leave that relationship (or relationships). Don’t allow the fear of being alone to keep you in an invalidating relationship. If it’s a relationship with a parent or family member where you feel you can’t just leave the relationship, then it’s important to start setting boundaries. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable for HSPs, as often the recipient isn’t happy when a boundary is set. And this can feel bad for HSPs who feel those emotions and know they may be upsetting the other person.  

I like to describe boundary-setting as “saying ‘yes’ to yourself and ‘no’ to the other person” — vs. saying ‘yes’ to the other person and ‘no’ to yourself (which truly doesn’t feel good). If this feels uncomfortable, your therapist can help prepare you for this. A simple way to start setting a boundary is limiting the time you talk with the person. You may say “I need to go now” during an invalidating conversation. See how that feels and expand from there.

Start identifying healthier, supportive relationships to have in your life. You deserve healthy, supportive people in your life! For example, do you have any friends or family members who lovingly support you (no matter what)? A therapist can also help you get clarity on what a healthy relationship looks like. And, over time, hopefully you’ll have more validating people in your life instead of invalidating ones.

HSPs, it’s important to remember that nothing is wrong with your sensitivity, and your emotions have validity to them. Your emotional self is a beautiful gift to the world. You do not deserve to experience invalidation from loved ones — or anyone. And remember, the best news is, you can heal your pain and go on to have many validating relationships. 

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:   

• Why Highly Sensitive People Sometimes React So Strongly to Criticism
• You’re Not Imagining It, It’s Gaslighting
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect

The post HSPs, You Might Be Suffering From Chronic Invalidation — and Not Even Know It appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

A beautiful quality of highly sensitive people (HSPs) is their desire to help, care for, and nurture others. So it makes sense that many HSPs are drawn to careers that have meaning for them in this way — it may feel like part of their purpose in life. Because of this, it’s common for HSPs to find themselves working in caring professions, such as childcare, nursing, psychotherapy, social work, or teaching. In these types of positions, there is absolutely that opportunity to help others. Plus, they require a high level of empathy, which comes naturally to HSPs. However, if the sensitive, giving, and empathic HSP is not careful, these jobs that they are so well-suited for may lead to compassion fatigue or burnout for highly sensitive types.

In my work as a therapist, burnout is something I help my clients to identify in their lines of work, and I definitely see it occurring more frequently with those working in the helping professions. And burnout is something that is essential for me to be aware of in my life, too. I’ve definitely had experience working in settings where there was a high turnover rate with my colleagues due to being overwhelmed, overworked, and feeling burned out.  

According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI), burnout is:

“A stressful lifestyle can put people under extreme pressure, to the point that they feel exhausted, empty, burned out, and unable to cope. Stress at work can also cause physical and mental symptoms. Possible causes include feeling either permanently overworked or under-challenged, being under time pressure, or having conflicts with colleagues. Extreme commitment that results in people neglecting their own needs may also be at the root of it.”

Some symptoms of burnout include difficulty concentrating or getting motivated to work; a lack of satisfaction and energy; unexplained headaches or stomach/physical problems; and a change in sleep habits.

You may notice that these symptoms overlap somewhat with depression, but burnout primarily stems from work stress. Yet, similar to depression, as burnout progresses, it often manifests in other areas of your life, such as your home and social life. It’s something to take seriously and catch when you first notice signs of it.

If burnout symptoms progress, burnout can turn into compassion fatigue, wherein you’re so concerned with others’ suffering that it causes chronic tension and stress. Since HSPs so easily absorb others’ thoughts and feelings, they must pay attention to whether they’re feeling burned out or experiencing compassion fatigue, especially if they’re in jobs where being empathic is a given.

The Connection Between HSPs and Jobs That May Burn Them Out

There are a few primary reasons as to why HSPs are attracted to jobs with a high level of burnout.

• HSPs love to care for others — it’s part of who they are! Since highly sensitive people are naturally helpful and empathic, it makes sense why they’re drawn to jobs where giving, caring, and empathy are truly required. HSPs don’t like to see others in pain, so it feels good to them to know they are making a difference by helping others feel better. Plus, HSPs feel good when they are helping others, especially when they feel needed and valued by those who desire their help.

• HSPs are more concerned about doing meaningful work vs. having the biggest paycheck. When it comes to work, HSPs aren’t focused on needing to have the highest-paying job. It’s not their main priority. Instead, their reward is knowing they are making a difference in the lives of the people they’re helping. For example, working with a patient who starts to achieve their health goals and is finally starting to feel better can feel much more rewarding than receiving a big salary or work bonus. For HSPs, the bonus is the satisfaction and happiness that comes from helping others.

• HSPs see themselves in others. HSPs often experience depression, anxiety, and feel misunderstood more so than non-sensitive types. Through helping others with similar things, they are actually helping these parts of themselves, too. For example, if you still feel misunderstood by those who are important to you, you may find it to be healing to help a child who feels misunderstood by others. It can subconsciously be as though you are helping the younger part of yourself who is still holding onto the pain and wounds of feeling misunderstood. 

How HSPs Can Prevent Burnout 

So what is the best way for HSPs to prevent burnout while still working in professions they find rewarding? These four tactics can help

1. Fill up your cup first, and then help others.     

I like to share an example with my clients from bestselling author and motivational speaker Lisa Nichols, who talks about “filling your cup” first. On Twitter, she said, “Your job is to fill your own cup, so it overflows. Then you can serve others, joyfully, from your saucer.” She also has a talk about it on Facebook.

Of course, it’s a metaphor about your “inner cup” or “emotional cup.” So when you fill your own cup to the point you have overflow onto the saucer, it is the overflow that should ideally be shared with others. 

But, when your cup isn’t full and you are giving from a space of a partially filled cup, this only ends up depleting your own reserves rather than giving from the overflow. And this is what leads to burnout: you are essentially overextending yourself beyond your capacity. But, without self-awareness about this — especially with HSPs not feeling good about saying “no” when it comes to helping others — burnout has the potential to be overlooked until you are really feeling its effects.  Which leads to my next point…

2. Practice self-care regularly (not just now and then).

In my work, I find this is something many people struggle with: making self-care a habit. Maybe you were taught that self-care is selfish and that you need to spend that time giving to others instead. Perhaps it was an unspoken rule when you were growing up that being there for others is how you receive a sense of self-worth and love. But, I can’t emphasize this enough: You need to give to yourself in order to fully give to others. 

So, what does your self-care look like? This circles back to the cup analogy. How do you know when you’ve filled up your own cup? Ways to gauge this is evaluating what your energy level is like. How are you really feeling? (Be honest!) For example, are you taking time to recharge, to eat well, to get enough sleep? Do you have a support system that you’re utilizing? Are you giving to others more than you’re giving to yourself? 

You may find that meditating, going for a walk, listening to music, painting, or getting enough rest is what fills up your inner cup. Ask yourself what it is for you… and then if you’re actually doing it. Do you set aside time for this or add it into your schedule? As you give to yourself, you can then show up as your best self to help others.

3. Set boundaries (which can be a challenge for HSPs!).

Setting boundaries can feel difficult for HSPs, but when it comes to your emotional health, it’s important. When you say “yes” to others on a regular basis, in the sense of overextending yourself, you are going to feel it. Let’s say, for example, that you’re really looking forward to your lunch break. A client calls and says they need to meet with you at your next available opening. Your next opening isn’t until the end of the week. Do you give away your lunch break to accommodate the client? Or do you honor that time for yourself and let the client know when your next available appointment truly is?

It can be hard (and even triggering) for HSPs to not accommodate those in need, but if you consistently do this — where there’s an imbalance between giving to others and to yourself — you are going to feel the effects.

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4. Keep your self-awareness in check and be cognizant of how you’re feeling at any given moment.

You must be aware of how you are feeling inside. Take a moment to shut your eyes and focus inward for a moment. Quiet your mind. As you tune in with yourself here, how do you feel? Do you notice feeling tired, depleted, or craving some time off?  Do you feel fully happy, energized, and blissful? Or are you somewhere in between?

In using these examples, if you are tired, depleted, or craving time off, this likely means you are burned out or getting quite close to that. If you are feeling happy, energized, and blissful, then that tells me you are in a good space. If you are in between, then it’s good to make sure you are intentionally implementing coping strategies to prevent burnout.

Dr. John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, has a phrase in couples work that says “prevention is three times more effective than intervention.” So I’d like to borrow that phrase here. If you are able to prevent burnout, that’s a much better position to be in than intervening when burnout is moving into compassion fatigue.

If you’re going to show up as your best self to help others, you need to care for yourself in that way. Even though part of you may believe you’re letting others down by saying “no” or taking time for self-care, you truly aren’t doing anyone any favors by showing up in a state of burnout. Quite the opposite, in fact. It’s hard to have empathy, be present, and have compassion — which is so important to HSPs and those they work with — when you are feeling depleted. Therefore, it’s important to prioritize giving yourself the nurturing and care that you’re extending to others. Then, you can provide the help, support, compassion, and empathy to those you are working with and have that full feeling of meaning and purpose in your work restored again.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Why HSPs Burn Out So Quickly (and How to Get Relief)
• 11 ‘Little’ Things That Overwhelm Highly Sensitive People
• For HSPs, Compassion Fatigue Is All Too Real

The post Why Are Highly Sensitive People Attracted to Jobs That Burn Them Out? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Constructive criticism can be difficult to handle for anybody, but especially for highly sensitive people (HSPs), who feel things more deeply than others and tend to be perfectionists. Although the feedback is constructive in nature, the “criticism” part is what lands hardest for the HSP and brings up those feelings of not being good enough, anxiety, and sadness that HSPs are prone to experience. As constructive criticism is a part of life, it’s important for the highly sensitive souls to find ways to cope with receiving this type of feedback.

As a therapist, I know how important the delivery of the message is for the receiver — it is a skill. This isn’t often thought about, but, many times, those who are delivering constructive criticism also have anxiety about communicating it, which is important for the HSP (and anyone, really) to keep in mind. 

So what, exactly, is constructive criticism? Let’s take a look at this from a work standpoint, as this is most commonly where constructive criticism is implemented. One definition from Indeed.com, which is a site focused on work and career, states:

“Constructive criticism is a helpful way of giving feedback that provides specific, actionable suggestions. Rather than providing general advice, constructive criticism gives specific recommendations on how to make positive improvements. Constructive criticism is clear, to the point, and easy to put into action.”  

How to Differentiate ‘Helpful’ Criticism From Non-Helpful Criticism

You may be wondering: How do you know if your boss is being helpful or straight-out critical? Let’s bring this back to relationships for a moment, as the relationship with your boss is still a type of relationship.

In relationships, you may have heard of the concept of starting a sentence with “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. It’s best to stay away from “you” statements in relationship conversations, as this tends to put the receiver on the defensive, as it may be accompanied by all-or-never statements such as, “You always…” or “You never….” 

You may agree, when someone starts off communicating something in this way, it usually feels pretty awful to receive, as though you automatically move into needing to defend yourself (since it feels critical). But if there is a gentleness with the approach — or the statement is sandwiched between positive statements (known as the sandwich approach) — it feels safer to trust the person providing the feedback and feel that they have your best interests at heart.  

Let’s use a work example here to illustrate this point. Let’s say your boss says to you, “You never get your reports done on time. What’s going on with you?” This is likely going to depend on the tone that’s used as to whether you experience it as concern or an attack. But I feel most people will feel their defenses rise with this type of communication.

If we look at another example, however, such as, “I’m really happy with the training you’re providing to Joe — you’re doing such a great job! But I’ve noticed you struggle to get your reports done on time. Let’s talk about some strategies that may help you with this.” This is going to feel more constructive than the prior example, although an HSP may focus on the “you struggle to get your reports done on time” part. Do you see the difference between these examples?

As constructive criticism is a part of life, it’s important to identify ways to handle this type of feedback without getting too much in your head. Let’s take a look at some strategies to help with this. And keep in mind that this is focused on constructive criticism, not someone who is being outwardly mean and overly critical.

5 Ways HSPs Can Handle Constructive Criticism 

1. Remember, constructive criticism is meant to be helpful.  

Usually, constructive criticism is a type of feedback that is meant to help you grow. Sometimes growth messages can feel challenging, which is why it isn’t always easy to take in, especially for highly sensitive people. As HSPs themselves never want to communicate anything that may even have the slightest potential of being perceived as hurting another person’s feelings, the times you may find yourself in a position where you need to provide direct or constructive feedback may feel like you are being harsh. In actuality, though, you are likely just being more direct or assertive. This can subconsciously be the meaning you assign to constructive feedback — that it is harsh — and why being on the receiving end of constructive criticism can feel harsh or hurtful, even when the intention is to be helpful. Which takes us to point #2…

2. Look for the positive(s) in the message. 

It can be all too easy to focus on the pieces of the message that say, “Hey, here’s an area you can improve on.” But no matter how nicely the message has been delivered, an HSP will probably look at this from the stance of “I’m doing something wrong” or “I’ve disappointed them.” Yet thinking in these ways will make you miss the gift(s) in the message. For example, your boss may say, “I love what you listed in your proposal, but I feel if you restructure these points, it will give it more of a flow.” An HSP may zone in on “but I feel if you restructure these points” rather than seeing the comment as their boss being happy with their work and simply suggesting to tweak what they have to make it “even better.”

3. Instead of reacting immediately, breathe.

When those not-so-great feelings kick in after receiving constructive criticism, you may notice anxiety arising within you, which is an emotion that is all too familiar to HSPs. In these cases, it’s important to take some deep breaths. This is going to help ground you and calm your activated nervous system, which is already extra sensitive to external stimuli. You can also practice grounding techniques, such as feeling your feet planted to the ground or feeling your hands touching the arms of the seat you are in. Meditation and yoga can help, too. And, most importantly, breathe.

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4. Use your intuition to feel into the meaning behind the message. 

HSPs are quite intuitive beings and connected to their emotions — and you can use this to your benefit! Once you have focused on breathing, soothing your fight-or-flight response, and silencing your mind, you are then able to hear your intuitive messages. You can ask yourself, “What is the intent behind this constructive criticism?” Quiet your mind and listen to the response of your inner self rather than your anxiety’s stance on it. Was the feedback meant to be harsh or hurtful? Or was it meant to help you? A key trick to identifying the difference is if it feels peaceful and if you notice a sense of expansiveness in your heart. That is your intuition speaking. If it feels bad and constrictive, like you feel something is closing in around you, that is your anxiety speaking. This helps to distinguish between criticism and constructive criticism. See what your intuition and emotions tell you here.

5. Be aware of any cognitive distortions that pop up.  

After you receive constructive criticism, it’s important to be aware of any cognitive distortions that come up. These include overgeneralizing, all-or-nothing thinking, and mindreading. If you are overgeneralizing, you might think, “I can never do anything right; I’m always disappointing people.” If you are engaging in all-or-nothing thinking, you may find yourself thinking in extremes or worst case scenarios. For example, you may think, “My boss sees that my work just isn’t good enough. I’m probably going to get fired. You know what, maybe I should save myself the embarrassment and quit first.” And mindreading is when you assume you know what another person is thinking. This may be thinking something like, “My boss sees me as incompentent.” 

If any of these thoughts pop up, it’s important to evaluate them to see if there is truth to them… or if they are really just your anxiety speaking. First, return to point #3 above to breathe and engage in self-soothing strategies. Then, take a critical look at these thoughts to get clear for yourself. You are only able to get clear once you quiet your mind and relax your activated nervous system, so it’s important to take that step.

Keep in Mind That Constructive Criticism Is Usually Meant to Help You, Not to Hurt You

Hopefully, you can see that constructive criticism isn’t anything to fear, though your anxiety may tell you otherwise. It really is something to help you grow and provide support to help you accentuate your skills. If you are able to reframe this to see it in that light, doesn’t that feel better?

HSPs, how do you handle constructive criticism? Feel free to share in the comments below! 

You might like: 

• Why Highly Sensitive People Sometimes React So Strongly to Criticism
• A Therapist Explains How Highly Sensitive People Can Tame Perfectionism
• The Difference Between the Highly Sensitive Brain and the ‘Typical’ Brain

The post How to Handle Constructive Criticism Even When It Hurts appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

When was the last time you skipped down the street, sang in the shower, or danced in your kitchen while cooking dinner? When was the last time you truly had fun? Not what you “think” is fun on more of a surface level, but what genuinely made you happy and felt fun in your core? If it’s been a while, that just means it’s time to invite a play ethic back into your life.     

A play ethic is all about embracing your inner child. This is the part of you who sees life as magical, as an adventure, loves to laugh, play, be silly, and loves surprises! It’s all about embodying this child-like spirit in your day-to-day life. Yes, this part of you does still exist within you! It just often gets covered up over the years by the fear of not fitting in, being overly focused on responsibilities, and feeling like you simply don’t have time for this part of yourself anymore. But the truth is, your inner child has been feeling ignored and neglected and has been waiting all of these years for you to invite them back into your life again! There’s even a book all about it, The Play Ethic, by Pat Kane.

Regarding play, Dr. Stuart Brown, head of the nonprofit National Institute for Play, told NPR, “It’s voluntary, it’s pleasurable, it offers a sense of engagement, it takes you out of time.”

As a psychotherapist, I agree and talk pretty regularly with my clients about connecting with their inner child. It’s so important and very healing. It also brings a sense of happiness, presence, and joy, and is a stress reliever, too. And for highly sensitive people (HSPs), it’s especially important…

How Can a Play Ethic Help Highly Sensitive People?

Because HSPs get overstimulated so easily — and because their brains barely ever rest — connecting with their inner play ethic is important. There are a few reasons for this:

1. Being playful helps stimulate creativity, which comes to HSPs naturally.

HSPs tend to naturally be very creative and imaginative. You may notice even more creative ideas coming through! For example, you may start painting or coloring… and then, all of a sudden, an idea for a creative project pops into your head. This is because you are allowing yourself to be in the flow of play and creativity.  When you’re in your headspace trying to think of ideas, that can actually block that creative flow.

2. A play ethic helps stimulate happiness and reduce stress.

Increasing your happiness and reducing your stress can help with symptoms of depression and anxiety that HSPs are more prone to. When you’re having fun, you’re just being you. You’re not controlling yourself to be a certain way to avoid judgment or criticism, for example, which are positions many HSPs find themselves in. For the HSP who tends to be more reserved, taking this mask off and allowing yourself to be you, as simplistic as that may sound, can feel so freeing and relieving, which also helps you to feel happy in the moment.

3. When you play, you usually don’t have expectations for yourself (which is a good thing). 

High expectations and perfectionism are two things many HSPs encounter on a daily basis. Allowing yourself to have a play ethic, however, helps to be present (rather than in your head), to let loose, and bring some fun back into your day. When you’re not worried about “perfect” outcomes and expectations, it invites in more opportunities for fun. 

Now that you know how a play ethic can help you as an HSP, are you ready to consider some ways to invite a play ethic into your life? If you decide to give some of these a try and they feel fun, notice what additional ideas pop into your mind (it’s your inner child communicating with you here) and then try them, too! In general, put your ego aside and take some time for fun. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Dance in your kitchen. You can play your favorite music and dance your heart away! It may be while you are sweeping, while you are cooking dinner, or just because. Make sure to have a smile on your face when you do this, as that will help you feel the joy from the experience that much more! It’s hard not to feel happy when you smile. Plus, dancing is good for you, both mentally and physically. In a way, it’s a form of mindfulness, too, since you’ll be focused on the music and dancing instead of being overwhelmed by other things. You’ll see!

• Color (or draw) freehand or in a coloring book. Coloring and drawing are big ways to connect with your inner child, and there are so many adult coloring books to choose from! Or you can just grab some paper and see what happens. Then get out some colored pencils or crayons and draw or color away. 

• Talk to your houseplants. There are some theories that suggest talking and singing to your houseplants help them grow. In fact, in 1848, Gustav Theodor Fechner, an experimental psychologist and professor of physics, believed that plants benefited from companionship and nurturing via being spoken or sung to. Giving it a try certainly can’t hurt, not to mention that it can be good for your inner child within, too! Maybe it’s telling your plants how beautiful they are or how much you love taking care of them. It may also be you telling your plants about your day like a child may talk to their stuffed animals. You may say something like, “The people I encountered today were testing my patience, but gosh, I am so happy to come home to take care of you!” Or sing your favorite song to your plants. (Not only does singing have health benefits — it helps relieve stress and boosts mental health — but singing to your plants is also good practice for karaoke!)

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• Start the day with a smile, saying: “What if something wonderful is going to happen today?” This invites in an element of magic, curiosity, adventure, and openness. It’s hard not to feel excited when saying this out loud with a smile. Try it! With this exercise, you can be on the lookout for the unexpected, rather than anticipating the “same old, same old.” It’s not about setting yourself up for disappointment, which might cause most people to not want to try this. Instead, it’s helping you to see life as an adventure, and you may even notice wonderful things already happening that may get overlooked by being too much in your head or focusing on all the stimuli around you (as is common among HSPs). 

• Skip down the hallway (or the street). Skipping is certainly more exciting and fun than walking. What if you skipped down the hallway or the street? Perhaps a friend, your partner, or your child could link arms with you and skip with you! Allow yourself to laugh as you do this. Yes, you may feel silly at first, but it’s an invitation to have more fun and laugh. This is another activity that truly is hard to do without smiling.

• Play “magic carpet.” Did you ever pretend you had a magic carpet when you were a kid? Like Aladdin? As you sit on a rug in your home, or even your bed, shut your eyes and allow yourself to daydream, as though you are flying on a magic carpet, and see where your imagination takes you! HSPs have a great imagination and love to connect with their inner world, so have fun with this! It’s yet another way for HSPs to get grounded and feel less overwhelmed.

• Watch a nostalgic movie or TV show that makes you belly laugh. When was the last time you belly laughed vs. just chuckled? You know, giggling and laughing in such a big way that it brings tears to your eyes? Do this! For the HSPs who tend to be more serious, this is a fun and safe way to let loose and is an easy way to bring joy into your life.

No matter which type of play you try, just keep in mind that it’s an easy way to connect your inner child — whether you play alone or with others. Particularly since HSPs get more overwhelmed than others, finding an outlet for your overstimulation through play is a perfect way to bring more calm and fun into your life. And that’s what life is all about, right?

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• HSP Brains Process Everything Deeply, Even at Rest, Study Finds
• 18 Things That Fill Highly Sensitive People With Joy

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The post How to Embrace Your ‘Play Ethic’ as a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

There has been a long-standing question of “nature versus nurture.” This may bring you back to your Psychology 101 days. What creates behaviors? Is it something biological? Or is it based on what you’ve learned from your environment? This has often been studied in twins, but it’s a great question to ask in looking at multi-generational patterns. What causes patterns to continue and what causes patterns to cease?

Over the years in my work as a therapist, I have certainly seen familial patterns that continue throughout generations. The ones that are the most talked about are often unhealthy ones:

• Abuse — both emotional and physical — tends to be a well-known pattern that often lives throughout generations.
• Another common one is addictions. This is most commonly thought of as substance abuse, but it can show up as overeating, spending habits, or codependency, to name a few. Addictions certainly can have a chemical component to them, but most addictive behavior stems from needing something outside of yourself to attempt to regulate distressing emotions (i.e., to help you self-soothe). This process becomes addictive, as you find you “need” something in order to feel better, and, in some cases, this need shifts from psychological to chemical. 

Additional unhealthy patterns that tend to be passed down from generation to generation include:

• Poor self-esteem
• Unhealthy body image
• Perfectionism
• Anxiety 

Often, these patterns are based on projections of inner fears and insecurities as a way to cope, but they’re coping in the unhealthiest of ways.      

Since highly sensitive people (HSPs) are known to be keen observers and quite sensitive to external stimuli, they’re more affected by their environments than others. So with our nature vs. nurture question, they are deeply impacted by the “nurture” aspect through what they witness and what they learn. They can then absorb these patterns and beliefs very easily, and they may be accompanied by things such as fear, worry, need to please, taking responsibility, or the need to be the fixer.

(Are you an HSP? Here are 21 signs that you’re a highly sensitive person.)

The Subconscious Mind’s Role in Unhealthy Patterns

Many who recognize unhealthy patterns in their lives are frustrated and saddened by it. And because HSPs love depth, let’s continue to explore a bit deeper as we bring up one of my favorite topics: the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is the part of you responsible for holding onto emotions, core beliefs, and your patterns. Research shows that the subconscious mind guides 90 percent of your daily life. Let’s say that, at times, you want one thing but can’t help but do something different. For example, maybe part of you wants to save money, but you end up splurging when your favorite store is having a sale. Afterwards, you ask yourself, “Why do I keep doing that?”  

The subconscious mind likes what feels familiar. And familiar isn’t always good. This is why so many patterns and ways of being are hard to break. So, if we look at an unhealthy pattern — like being addicted to alcohol — the subconscious doesn’t identify whether it’s healthy or not. Instead, it sees it as familiar.

Let’s look at another example. Perhaps siblings Joey and Janice are observing their parents, who are both overly focused, maybe even obsessed, with working out, following a strict diet, and continuously asking for validation on how they look. They may even demonstrate anxiety if they miss a day at the gym or realize they have gained weight. In observing this, Joey and Janice learn that you must be thin, fit, and/or muscular to be worthy and pleasing to others. Then, as adults, they may continue with this pattern for their own children to observe. 

This is an example of how an unhealthy pattern continues. We can look at this as an addictive pattern, as this indicates the need to look a certain way in order to feel validated, as well as a body image pattern. This pattern can represent the projection of deeper inner wounds related to insecurity, feeling as though you’re “not enough” or not in control.

Let’s take another example, such as those who experienced or witnessed abuse as a child and then ended up in abusive relationships as adults (or even as abusers themselves). This is often perpetuated from experiencing abuse, whether it’s being bullied at school and/or modeling what is observed at home. Some people may not even identify abusive behaviors as abuse and instead normalize them because abuse was so commonplace in the household throughout multiple generations. It’s quite understandable why these patterns are so frustrating and can be confusing about why they persist — even though you don’t want them to (consciously) continue.

The Subconscious Mind and Core Beliefs 

The subconscious mind also holds onto core beliefs. So, at some point in time, if you were given the message by a parent who held any of the following beliefs, this can be another reason some patterns recur from generation to generation:

• “I can’t have a healthy relationship.” 
• “I need to be perfect in order to be good enough.” 
• “I’m not worthy.” 
• “People will leave me if I don’t make them happy.” 
• “Life is meant to be a struggle.” 
• “It’s my fault if someone isn’t happy.”

Furthermore, some of these beliefs may feel rather familiar to HSPs due to their extra sensitive souls.

In another example, maybe Julia grew up in a household where abuse played a role. As an adult, she told herself: “I’m not going to tolerate any of that.” But then she ends up finding herself in abusive relationships, time and time again, and just doesn’t understand why it keeps happening. Additionally, she may find herself having degrading bosses, friends who are always cancelling on her at the last minute (or are late to their get-togethers), a partner who is emotionally abusive, and maybe her children disrespect her, too. 

Unfortunately, the subconscious mind finds these experiences to be familiar when considering emotional memories from her childhood, even though they are unhealthy and unwanted. There may also be a core belief of “I need to please others in order for them to be happy and not leave me” that is still being held onto from the abuse she witnessed early in life. Thus, this unintentionally sustains the familiar pattern. This is not excusing abusive behaviors in any manner, but instead looking deeper as to why these unwanted patterns may repeat. And since highly sensitive people struggle with codependency, they have to be extra mindful of repeating these unwanted behaviors.

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What HSPs Should Do If They Notice Unhealthy Patterns in Their Lives

So, as HSPs are observers, sensitive to their environments, cognizant of the emotions of others, want to feel accepted, and want others to be happy, this makes sense as to why these patterns have a great effect on them. Because when you live life through your subconscious mind — which absorbs experiences like a sponge — it really is like you are living on autopilot with similar thoughts, behaviors, and experiences that replay in your life. This is what causes those patterns to continue, even if you want to break them more than anything. 

The good news is, you do have the power to break those patterns. As psychoanalyst Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

If you notice unhealthy patterns in yourself, here are some things you can do:

• Do not blame yourself. It’s important to take a step back and notice the pattern  — even name the pattern — in a nonjudgmental way, rather than allowing yourself to be caught up in the pattern. This can be hard for HSPs, who may feel inclined to take ownership or responsibility, but it’s important in changing the pattern. So, you may say, “I notice this pattern of having a terrible relationship with money. I noticed it in the way my parents handled money, and now I notice it within myself. It’s time for me to change this pattern. I choose to change this pattern now.”

• Get clear on the pattern and on being self-disciplined about new choices that you are making. What is the new pattern you want to create, and what are signs of the pattern trying to reemerge? This often involves what you need to say “no” to. This can feel difficult for HSPs, but it’s essential for the unhealthy pattern to break. For example, if you want to enter a healthy relationship, get clear on how you define a healthy relationship. What are common themes and patterns you have noticed in prior relationships that you no longer want to accept? Someone belittling you? Someone drinking too much and then being verbally abusive toward you? Being attracted to people who need “saving”? Practice saying “no” and setting better boundaries (which can be a challenge for HSPs). The more consistent you are with the new choices you are making, the better.

• Forgiveness work. Forgiveness isn’t excusing those who sustained the unhealthy pattern, but instead is allowing you to let go of any feelings you still hold onto. With forgiveness work, you can think of holding onto anger or resentment similar to holding onto a piece of hot coal. These feelings are hurting you. You let them go by making the choice to create new and healthier patterns. Forgive those who unconsciously held onto the pattern that was passed onto you, including the projection of those inner hurts. This will help free yourself.

• Work with a therapist to do deep work around core beliefs you’ve developed as you focus on self-love. Working with a therapist can help you change your current mindset and unconscious beliefs. This is about feeling empowered, worthy, and having support as you are making the choice to change not only your life, but of future generations to come.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Dear HSP With a Bad Childhood: There Is Hope
• How Unhealed Trauma Affects Highly Sensitive People
• What Happens When an HSP Grows Up With Insecure Attachment?

The post How Toxic Generational Patterns Affect HSPs (and What You Can Do to Break Them) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Do you find that you tend to personalize things? Or overpersonalize things? If someone is upset, does it feel like it’s your fault? If a coworker doesn’t say hello to you, do you think they don’t like you or are mad at you? If someone criticizes you, you may feel like you just can’t do anything right. Do any of these feel familiar?

As a psychotherapist, I have found taking things personally to be a common struggle that many experience. And highly sensitive people (HSPs) have an active inner world and a heightened nervous system, which makes them more prone to these experiences than others may be. It’s hard for HSPs not to take things personally. As empathetic people, they are deeply impacted by the feelings of others, so if someone is upset, the narrative of “If only I didn’t do this or say that, then everything would be OK,” may quickly get underway. Therefore, awakening that inner critic is essential.

There is also a tendency for HSPs to process, analyze, overanalyze, and replay events in their mind. When this happens, it can literally feel as though you are reliving what happened, and this certainly has the potential of not being the most pleasant place to live in. As a result, you begin to confirm your mind’s story for yourself as the truth. Instead, you need to reprogram you and your highly sensitive brain so that you stop personalizing things — and practice does make perfect. 

Understanding the Role of Your Inner Critic  

Before you can fully understand why you personalize things, it’s important to understand the role your inner critic plays in the process. Many HSPs grew up believing something was wrong with them or they were different from everyone else. This thinking then developed into a core belief, and situations that trigger this belief greatly impact HSPs. This tends to be why HSPs overpersonalize more often and more deeply than others.  

Let’s look at what happens internally:

1. An emotion is triggered. An event happens that triggers a feeling. Maybe you’re running late to work or your partner seems annoyed at you. And, here comes an emotion: you may notice feeling sad, anxious, or angry, for example.

2. The sympathetic nervous system (the part in charge of the fight or flight response) is activated as the emotions signal emotional distress. HSPs have a nervous system that is more sensitive to stimuli, so fight or flight responses happen more frequently and are felt more deeply. This is that familiar feeling of stress or urgency.

3. Now, the part of the brain called the amygdala, which is primal in nature and has to do with emotional processing, is activated. It is always scanning your environment for danger to help keep you alive. The emotional distress you are feeling has the amygdala convinced you are in danger and tries to alert you so that you can avoid the situation at hand and stay safe. This is where the inner critic typically steps in. It’s an automatic process, and the intended purpose is to communicate something is wrong. But, instead, it tends to come across as though you did something wrong. Talk about trying to not overpersonalize!  

When you feel hurt and take things personally — which is not hard for highly sensitive souls to do — you’re truly not in danger in the same way you might be if you were getting ready to cross a street and a car came speeding around the corner and you needed to act quickly to avoid getting hit.

When experiencing emotional distress, the brain and nervous system “perceived” you were in danger. For instance, let’s say your boss says, “This report is good, but I need you to redo this entire section.” HSPs tend to want to please others, so this feedback may feel upsetting. You may notice a stress response, like getting a feeling of dread in your gut, and start the narrative of: “I can’t do anything right; I’m always disappointing my boss and he thinks I’m not doing a good job. I’m going to get fired if I don’t get it together. What am I going to do?” You may feel disappointment or anxiety. Your body may feel unsafe, maybe vulnerable, and a fear of security: Will you lose your job? Ask yourself: “Am I in a life-threatening situation here?” No. But, your body believes so and is loudly trying to protect you from those feelings — and in a way that feels pretty awful.   

However, by jumping the gun here, there’s a miscalculation. So, in that sense — the thoughts you are being told by the inner critic in response to this perceived threat — may also not have much truth or accuracy to them. You may have fear like “I’m going to lose my job,” but really you were just given some constructive feedback mixed in with positive feedback. (But, yes, I know that HSPs don’t love criticism, which is how you may perceive your boss’s feedback.) Ah, what a relief, though, that this is a perceived threat, not more. There’s a saying about fear: False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR).

Looking at The ‘Whys’ Underneath the Emotional Triggers  

Next, let’s look at some of the pieces underneath those emotional triggers, which I like to call the “whys”. These are also core beliefs — “I just want to feel understood” or “I want others to be happy with me”  — you hold about yourself and are probably part of the story your inner critic is telling you. While core beliefs can be positive and helpful, they are often self-limiting. 

Do any of these feel familiar when you find yourself overpersonalizing? 

• I feel like I can never do anything right.
• Here I go, messing things up again.
• I need to make sure they’re happy so they’ll like/love me.
• If I don’t get things together, they’re going to leave me.
• I’m so scared right now.
• I just want to feel like I’m important to them.
• Why even bother? It’s not going to work out anyway.

Ask yourself: “What is the story I’m telling myself?“

For instance, let’s say you’ve asked your partner to turn off the lights when leaving a room, but she forgets. You may start to tell yourself: “She doesn’t care enough about me to do this.” But, is this really true?

At the heart of depersonalizing here, what happens, at the core, truly are just events — and it’s all about the meaning and interpretation of these events that leads the way to personalization. Once this is understood, it’s a gamechanger for many.

What You Can Do When You Find Yourself (Over)personalizing Things

Stop, pause, and breathe. To get clear on your “whys,” ask yourself: “Why am I upset?” 

You can also ask yourself if there are any cognitive distortions that are showing up — in other words, when your brain is “lying” to you. Some examples include:

• Personalizing: blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault or assuming something that happens is directed at you
• Catastrophizing: assuming the worst in a situation
• Overgeneralizing: having a belief about one event and then generalizing it to several events
• Black-and-white thinking: thinking in extremes (all-or-nothing thinking) and not allowing for a possibility of a “grey area”

Once you get clear on the “whys” and if there are cognitive distortions, you can ask yourself: “What is the truth here?” to really get really clear. In going back to the example about your boss, telling yourself “I’m always disappointing him” contains several cognitive distortions. Is it “always”? Are you actually “disappointing” him? And are you overpersonalizing what happened?

You may want to ask yourself: “Where is this story/core belief coming from?” It may be a story from your childhood due to emotional neglect or unhealed trauma, such as “If I don’t get perfect grades, that means I’ve failed.” 

You can challenge these thoughts — you don’t have to accept them as the truth. It can be really helpful to write everything out in a journal or on a piece of paper, or talk them through with a therapist. Not only will you be able to see your thought process, but you’ll probably also see that you don’t have as much “evidence” as you thought you did to support your thought(s).  

Finally, as you get clear with logic and rationale, you can apply self-soothing strategies. This activates the calming effects of the parasympathetic nervous system — it’s in charge of your body’s rest and digestion response — and you can relax and breathe. It may be things like listening to calming music, taking deep breaths, listening to a guided meditation, going for a walk, or painting. You may also give yourself a hug, wrap a cozy blanket around yourself, or connect with one of your pets for self-care and soothing. Some people also find it helpful to engage in a distraction type of activity, like watching an enjoyable movie. (But nothing that will overstimulate their HSP senses!) 

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Not Taking Things Personally Takes Practice, but It Is Possible

Not taking things personally takes practice and persistence, but this can be done! Understanding how your nervous system is operating, getting clear on the truth of the “whys,” core beliefs, and your inner narrative, and understanding why you feel triggered are all part of it. This actually helps in stopping the inner critic in its tracks — and then you can begin to have empathy and compassion for yourself.  

You may also start to gain a different perspective of what is happening with others in the situation(s) you were taking personally. For instance, the person who doesn’t say hello to you may be caught up in their own mental worries. The person who is irritated may have just ended a stressful phone call. The person who gives you a defensive response may be having their own critical thoughts, such as “Here I go, disappointing her again.” 

HSPs are such emotional and sensitive souls that the last thing they want to do is to feel like they let someone down. And because HSPs tend to go inward in the way they process and experience things, this automatically causes them to overpersonalize. But, with practice, this can be changed. The automatic process can be modified and you can still maintain your sweet, sensitive, kind, active-inner-world self — without overpersonalizing. And, with practice, you may even start to believe that it just might not be personal after all.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People Sometimes React So Strongly to Criticism
• 6 Things Highly Sensitive People Say and What They Really Mean
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect

The post How to Stop Personalizing Things as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.