As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I have spent much of my life overwhelmed and saddened by so many things: a coworker’s thoughtless comments, news headlines full of morbid stories, and war and destruction of the planet (to name a few).

It can quickly become mentally and emotionally exhausting. And, as an HSP, the above affect me more so than they might a less sensitive person. I may tear up at my coworker’s comments or cry while reading the news headlines.

If you’re like me, you may feel like you need to get away from it all. For many of us, especially these days, jetting off to a desert island is not a realistic option. Over the years, however, I have discovered methods that have saved me from buying a one-way ticket to Anywhereville.

Without taking some much-needed pauses, I’d find myself irritable, lethargic, and pessimistic, and would never really understand why (or how) I arrived at these emotions. Here are some ways I’ve dull the noise of the outside world and found some peace. (And you can, too.)

11 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Feel at Peace

1. Create an “HSP sanctuary,” a quiet space to relax in.

I realized that if I could have one quiet room in my 300-square-foot apartment, it would be the bedroom. Blackout rollers. No television. Hell, I might even put a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door.

My bedroom is now my refuge, my HSP sanctuary, from the noisy outside world. When I have had a long day in the office, I know my bedroom of solitude, free from all disturbances, awaits me. 

A bottle of lavender essential oil is my new must-have item to complete the ultimate relaxation space. (It’s been proven to induce relaxation.) Sometimes, I also just look out the window or practice mindfulness and meditate. Either way, that little room of peace is my refuge.

2. Leave the office at lunchtime every day, no excuses.

Weather permitting, I love to go outside for lunch. Whether it’s going to the nearest park or sitting in my car and listening to the radio, there is no better way to break up my day.

This also helps clear my highly sensitive, weary, overstimulated mind for a whole glorious sixty minutes, so I will be even more refreshed when going back into the office.

3. Reduce social commitments (even online ones). 

Since the Covid-19 pandemic began (and even prior to lockdown here in the United Kingdom), I made a conscious effort to reduce my social engagements. 

I considered being out for more than two nights during the week simply too draining. (If you’ve ever had an HSP hangover, you know what I mean!)

So rather than contacting friends to meet up (even socially distanced), I took a step back. 

If I had known before how wonderful it feels to have a semi-empty social calendar that I could fill up if I wanted to, I would have done it years ago! I now have more time for me, and I have more to talk about and catch up on when I do see my friends. 

4. Create a library of self-healing, inspirational books to turn to at a moment’s notice.

Since turning 30, I have collected (and continue to collect) books on self-healing topics, such as childhood emotional issues and managing anxiety and fear. It’s one of the best steps I have taken as an adult. 

Since we HSPs are big thinkers, to be armed with all kinds of knowledge makes me feel stronger by the day. Things that once hurt me — like past friendships when I had low self-esteem and my “friends” did not have my best interests at heart — are now the past. Or at work I’d feel very sensitive to pressure and take everything personally.

But due to my therapeutic reading, the new me is more confident in all realms and knows that an exciting future awaits me.

5. To lessen nervous energy, reduce caffeine consumption.

I know I speak for a lot of people when I say that I love coffee; my relationship with it is like that of no other with any food or beverage. A hot mug (or iced latte) is my go-to when I need to Get. Stuff. Done. 

But, lately, I have decided to reduce my cappuccino consumption levels, as I felt it upped my nervous energy too much. (And my highly sensitive self already has enough energy!)

With less caffeine, life feels calmer and I feel more relaxed.

6. Shrink that to-do list — many things can wait!

I once heard someone say that even when you die, you still leave behind a to-do list. That kind of freaked me out. You mean my to-do list may never get completed? 

Instead of running away with the circus and vowing to live on gas station sandwiches and discounted beer, I decided to keep a mental to-do list and then only save reminders for important tasks on my phone. 

This way, I no longer have to check my calendar several times a day, yet everything still gets done. The difference is, I no longer feel pressure to finish everything in one day. If tasks do not get completed, I simply let them roll onto the next day and give myself a break.

7. Start saying no to overstimulating triggers, like TV commercials and trips to the mall.

My brother has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and I remember when he was young my mother told me he does not like supermarkets because they “overstimulate” him. She went on to explain that lighting and noise distress him. I was shocked and asked, “Doesn’t everyone feel like that in crowded, noisy, artificially lit places?” 

It turns out that I, too, get stressed, irritable, and uncomfortable when there is a lot of stimuli around me. To help quell it, these days I mute the TV when commercials come on and limit my time in supermarkets and shopping malls and try to go when I know it will be less crowded and quieter.

8. Become anonymous on social media and delete personal profiles. (Yes, it’s possible!) Or, use social media less.

Like many millennials, I grew up on Facebook. I had a dawning realization last summer that I had spent my entire adult life with a Facebook profile; my entire 20s was summarized by an online photo album. That profile had seen me through the best of times and the worst of times. 

I decided to bite the bullet and remove my profile photo, all my photos (yes, all) and become an internet nobody. Same profile. No photos. No information. 

It was the most peaceful and reassuring feeling going back to a simpler time, free of overthinking and overanalysis of every post I made (something we HSPs are so very good at).

9. Take little naps here and there (to help the overstimulated HSP brain).

You may be aware that HSPs need more sleep than less sensitive types — we need our recharge time — so that’s where my need for naps comes in.

I used to think that taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon was lazy or meant I was missing out on things. But that extra little nap helps me relax and reminds me that there is no rush; it is perfectly OK (and necessary) to take a break sometimes. 

Just like the toddlers we once were, there are simple pleasures found in reverting back to the quiet and peace of a restful afternoon snooze.

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10. Become more cognizant of music and the feelings it triggers.

Like most people, I love music and its ability to take me away and increase my mood. But on the flip side, it can also do the total opposite, especially for my highly sensitive soul. 

Having recently experienced mourning an old friend, which I am still processing, the real temptation was to play music that would remind me of those times when we partied while living together in London. 

But the trouble with reminiscing with a nostalgic soundtrack is that it can very quickly become very painful for us HSPs. I am not saying I cannot, and should not, process my grief; I do need to go through these feelings. But I need to choose the time wisely. 

We need to remember that our emotions can be a choice: We can choose to feel lower depths of sadness or we can choose to reach up and stay positive even while heartbroken and grieving. So I’m selective and sometimes choose not to listen to music that I know will make me feel even more emotional.

11. Stop ruminating on past hurts and start writing about thoughts and emotions that come up.

Overthinking and ruminating are one of the biggest challenges we HSPs face.

But one day, I felt like enough was enough with recounting all the bad things that had happened in my life that would play in my mind repeatedly — like the way an old best friend had flirted with my crush.

So I decided to write a list (a long list, I might add) of all the things that I was still holding onto. 

While some feelings are harder to put into words than others, either way, write about them. It may be that emotions, feelings, and experiences may become a poem, short story, journal entry, or even a song. 

It feels good to express yourself and your sensitivity is your biggest gift. So give life to your feelings; your feelings are what makes you who you are. And if you need more support when it comes to letting go of the past, I suggest seeking out a therapist, too. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

You might like: 

• How to Create Your Own HSP Sanctuary
• 13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand
• 9 Signs of Chronic Overstimulation

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As a highly sensitive person (HSP) now in my 30s, I have seen a vast improvement in how I interact with the world around me, how I perceive my environment, and, ultimately, the enjoyment I get from life. All the little stimuli that perk up my highly sensitive senses are still there, of course, but I now embrace them more versus try to cover them up and be someone I’m not. 

The biggest change has to be, quite simply, the easiest and most natural change we undergo: aging. Moving into my 30s has been awesome, and I’d love to tell my fellow HSP why it is my favorite decade so far.

Why My 30s Are My Favorite Decade as an HSP so Far

1. I am aging, and it is not as bad as I thought; actually, it’s kind of cool.

As an HSP in my 30s, I am now far more secure. As I see my face and body age, I think of the bigger picture. Before, I’d focus on beauty and youthfulness and wanting to look my best. And, as an HSP, these feelings were magnified. But now I feel more comfortable looking the way I am, sans makeup and all. (Side note: A lot of celebrities go makeup-free, too, like Alicia Keys.)

I am not here on this earth to impress people with dewy skin and thick hair. I am a 32-year-old woman, and I do not owe myself (or anyone) pretty. In fact, there is a wonderfully named book called Women Don’t Owe You Pretty. My body is a strong, healthy, living vessel that is built for the marathon, not the sprint. I would never wish to be defined by my looks, be it positively or negatively. (We HSPs feel enough as it is; we don’t need more things to add!) I think by the time we hit our 30s, or beyond, we are judged less on our looks and more on what we say anyway, which, for an HSP, is music to my ears.

2. I no longer have to keep up with “party people.” My priorities are changing.

One of my best friends recently gave birth. This is not the most shocking thing you ever heard a 32-year-old say but it was not that long ago when she was an absolute big kid, partying her way through her 20s. We all drank too much, and life was a bit of a blur. 

But being young and fun does not always accommodate HSPs. Sensitivity can be a red light, stopping the fun and easygoing vibe. As HSPs, our 20s can (ironically) be an isolating time, particularly if we do not want to keep up with the loud party people and go out every weekend. The good news is, when you hit your 30s, chances are that your friends’ — and your own — priorities start to change, inviting new and exciting experiences. You may find yourself becoming a parent, godparent, or perhaps an aunt or uncle. Your HSP attributes will be put to great use — like your empathic nature and deep listening skills — as you provide support and care for the new additions in your life.

3. Time — and turning 30, and beyond — waits for no one.

To observe the passing of time is never so magnificent as when people hit the big 3-0 (or another significant age). It’s different and there is no denying it. I went from renting and moving from place to place (with roommates), wondering what would become of me (we HSPs love to overanalyze things!) to suddenly being engaged, having a mortgage, and a steady job. I never thought it would happen to me, and yet suddenly society’s expectation for us to put down some roots and take responsibility somehow got ahold of me. 

Before this, I was all about the here and now, partially to compensate for the agonizing fear of the future. I’d procrastinate making big life changes; HSPs and change are not good friends. I had little to cling onto, materially, and it felt right to just go whichever way the wind took me. 

But as I got older and hit 30, I really “woke up” and remembered that “time waits for no one.” This was not a dress rehearsal. I had to get it together because my future needed me sober and rational — alcohol made it easy to hide from all the stimuli around me. The fancy dress was packed away, and I haven’t rung a 24-hour beer delivery hotline since 2016. 

4. Familiarity gives me strength: I’ve been down this road before, and I know it gets better.

I had a rough time in my teens: I was clinically diagnosed as anxious and depressed. I eventually learned to hide it, but I did not treat the root cause. During my 20s, I started seeing a therapist and trying self-help remedies. Eventually, I came to grips with my demons, and I am sure some fellow HSPs can relate. Now in my 30s, when I am having a bad day, feeling emotional, angry, and just generally awful, I remind myself that I have been down this road before and it gets better. It does.

No longer do I feel the same sharp pain of excruciating agony and emotional turmoil. I now know that even at my lowest, I can pick myself up again because I have done it before many times. (There is wisdom in repetition.) 

By the time you hit your 30s, you will have endured several unpleasant experiences that the nasty side of life offers (food poisoning, a broken heart, a best friend moving to another country, the list goes on). And, of course, our HSP souls still feel the emotions, but now that we’re older, we merely whisper to ourselves “Oh, here we go again,” rather than feeling as though our whole world is caving in on us.

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5. I’m too busy… and that can be a good thing.

As we get older, there’s a lot to juggle. We might have aging parents, some of us have children, we might have careers, mortgages, friendships to maintain… so much going on. We HSPs can be prone to overthinking and overanalyzing most aspects of our life. But life is happening right now, right in front of us. We need to embrace it and enjoy it. We cannot afford the luxury of pondering the meaning of life in the same way we did before. In our 30s (and beyond), we must pull our socks up and get on with it. Keeping busy is a wonderful distraction from HSP procrastination. After all, what are we waiting for?

6. You will have sophisticated no-nonsense detectors and super empathic abilities (even more so than before!).

HSPs have an almost innate sense of whether or not somebody is genuine. We are very skilled at detecting this in a person’s tone, body language, and eye movements, a true gift of being an HSP. 

By the time we reach our 30s, we have some brilliant experience and history in this field of empathy, and we can use it for great things to make this a better world for ourselves (and, of course, for all those in it). This could mean everything from picking up on when a friend could use our support to becoming an empathetic activist that’s so needed these days. This will vary from HSP to HSP, but just know that your highly sensitive powers are making a difference in others’ lives — and they only get better with age!

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Why Change Can Be So Hard for HSPs (And What to Do About It)
• Here’s How Being Highly Sensitive Can Make You Stronger, Not Weaker
• This Is Why I Can’t ‘Turn Off’ Sensing Other People’s Emotions as an HSP

The post Here’s Why My 30s Are My Favorite Decade as an HSP so Far appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Over the years, it’s safe to say I’ve had more than my fair share of challenging family members thrown at me. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I feel things more deeply, whether it’s crying more easily than others or absorbing their thoughts and feelings — if they’re sad, I’ll feel sad; if they’re happy, I’ll feel happy. 

And, due to my higher sensitivity, when it comes to dealing with challenging family members, it’s led to a range of difficulties and unpleasant emotions, from anger and sadness to feeling invalidated (emotionally) and being downright anxious. 

But I believe us HSPs are strong and we do not need to suffer. Through trial and error, I’ve learned to better cope with challenging family members and want you to know that it’s definitely possible.    

9 Ways to Cope With Challenging Family Members as an HSP    

1. Take back control of the situation while keeping your well-being in mind.       

If a relative presents you with tales of woe, remember that it’s their drama, not yours. Let us pause for a moment. What do they want to achieve? Do they want a reaction? Or do they want to vent? In which case, we HSPs are well-equipped at providing the empathy they require, but we have to remember our own well-being, too, while lending them an ear. 

Perhaps they are not even aware of the effect they are having on our feelings. Maybe they are used to getting what they want though guilt-tripping and manipulation. The way I have come to look at it is to assess the situation objectively:

• Person A = Drama
• As Person B, we need to diffuse the situation as calmly as possible without exhausting our mental strength in the process. Assess. Assess. Assess. 
• Before consulting with Person C (and/or Person D) to relay the situation to them (and thus perhaps exacerbate matters), perhaps see if Person A can be diffused by either changing the subject or just agreeing with what they say to humor them (sometimes this is easiest all around).

2. Behold the power of the speakerphone (assuming you are in a private place, of course).

Provided you take a call at home or some other quiet, private space, never underestimate the power of the speakerphone as an HSP. I once (read: many many times) had a hysterical, rambling relative on the phone, telling me about their many various problems and general misery. Of course, I had a mountain of empathy for them, but after years and years (and more years) of this, sometimes after a long day (and with my own problems to deal with), it would have a big impact on me. So to protect myself — energetically and emotionally — I started putting the calls on speakerphone. As an HSP, this lifted some of the heavy weight of emotions I was feeling. It was instant relief and I immediately felt less overwhelmed. 

3. Treat your interaction like a work meeting.

Try taking a professional approach when dealing with challenging family members. If you were going to a work meeting, you would be aware of what’s going to be discussed and what your personal input would be. You would not bring up sensitive and highly charged subjects of contention from years ago that were irrelevant to the present-day meeting. Nor would your coworkers. (At least I hope not.) 

So it can save you a whole lot of hassle if you prepare yourself for your “meetings” with challenging family members. There can be safe subjects that you know will keep the peace. Perhaps even funny and sweet stories that will always lighten the mood (thank you, children, for your cute little antics). But, above all, it works wonders when you take the time to write down (in advance) the areas which are not up for discussion when you meet with the person. If they bring certain subjects up which are potentially volatile, gently steer them back to the main purpose of the “meeting,” like a family day out, for example.

4. Set boundaries and limit what you share about yourself.

Limit their grip on you. This quite often requires the help of a professional therapist (since setting boundaries can be challenging for highly sensitive people), but for the day-to-day, information and knowledge is key. The more you hold back, the less they know about you. 

We HSPs can be experts in retreating and hiding in our inner world, so this should not be too difficult when applied. The less they know about you, the less strings they can pull. Recreate your personal HSP strengths; in other words, reframe the way you see the world: You will survive (perhaps with a few battle scars), but you will survive. 

And if you are fortunate enough to have geographical distance from the toxic family member(s), even better. But, either way, if you have been humiliated, manipulated, lied to, or taken for granted time and time again by certain relatives, then remember: You do not owe them anything. You can, of course, be civil, but you can also be civil to anybody! Step back and save yourself the heartache by limiting what you emotionally invest in these toxic people.  

5. Behold the power of the life grid: family only accounts for one of the nine squares.

Look to the power of the grid of life. Dr. Susan Jeffers, author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, created a whole life grid: there are three rows and columns of boxes, creating a total of nine squares of equal size: 

• Contribution
• Hobby 
• Leisure
• Family 
• Alone time (my personal favorite!)
• Personal Growth
• Work
• Relationship
• Friends

She then lists recommendations to write in each box. It is worth reminding ourselves, HSPs, that family is just one area of our life grid. When family members are challenging your limits, perhaps it is time to take a step back and revisit the other areas of your life grid. This creates a welcome distraction and encourages us to look at the bigger picture. By focusing on other areas of our life, we can take time to consciously invest in our health and well-being rather than exhausting ourselves trying to defend, justify, or protect ourselves against the challenging family member.

6. Alcohol is a big no-no: it will only increase your anxiety (which is not the point).

I have recently experienced the direct correlation between alcohol consumption and anxiety. Following a couple of glasses of wine after a long dry period, I suddenly experienced heightened levels of anxiety the next day. I knew the alcohol had to go. 

As an HSP, I tend to get stuck in ruts of various emotional thought patterns, sometimes positive and sometimes less so. When challenging family members’ repeated negative behavior grinds me down, adding alcohol to the mix can be lethal for my well-being (I’m sure many HSPs out there can relate). And, as tempting as it may be to just let go and have a drink, it may make challenging family members harder to deal with. 

The best way we highly sensitive types can manage challenging family members is to be as healthy, clear-headed, and emotionally stable as possible. Alcohol can all too often make us susceptible to even more suffering.  

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7. Look forward, not backward: The past is the past.

Look forward. not backward, HSP. I am learning the hard (and slow) way that the past is the past. There is no going back, and sometimes reliving experiences from the past involving challenging family members just further fuels the fire of resentment, anger, shame, and hostility. 

There is something wonderful about taking back control of your life and your future. If you are fortunate enough to be able to put some distance between you and your challenging family members, remember that the future holds the key. There is so much to be gained by looking forward. 

Through self-help books and articles, I have managed to heal at least some of the wounds of the past and have realized that I am no longer interested in emotionally investing myself in challenging family members. With no expectations of them, there can be no disappointment. I am no longer waiting for emotional validation from those challenging family members, as I did not receive it previously and do not expect to receive it from them anytime soon. So with that in mind, I am moving forward and not backward.     

8. Put your HSP powers to good use and make the first move.                   

As an HSP, it can be incredibly challenging when the status quo is rocked, especially when a family unit is reshuffled, like if your parents separate and then meet new partners. It can be uncomfortable to invite a new person into your family — and you may not bond right away (if at all) — and yet it is a fact of life for many of us. But it is never easy. 

For highly sensitive people, this can be even more challenging. Even if the circumstances are not ideal in which people you barely know suddenly become “family,” I would suggest that you put your best foot forward and greet them into your family with trust, respect, and kindness. When we put our HSP powers to good use and are sensitive toward others, we always get the best out of them and, equally, out of future relationships with them.    

9. Consistency is key: have a zero-tolerance attitude toward manipulative behavior.

You may find that if, like me, you are an HSP who’s previously been exposed to narcissistic, manipulative family members; at the time, you may not have been fully aware of their toxic influence. As time’s gone by and I have matured, I have begun to take a zero-tolerance attitude toward this kind of behavior. I am no longer responding to manipulative behavior.

I feel that narcissists love to take advantage of HSPs’ good nature, and it’s wise to be wary of this. By consistent responses and not succumbing to any pressure, you will eventually find that the challenging family member backs down as they will realize they cannot control or manipulate you any longer.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• How to Actually Set Better Boundaries as an HSP
• The Link Between High Sensitivity, Empathy, and Codependency
• How to Heal Childhood Wounds When You’re Highly Sensitive

The post 9 Ways to Cope With Challenging Family Members as an HSP appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.