“I think it might be in your head,” my new gastroenterologist said to me as he pressed on my stomach. I winced in pain. “Are you sure you aren’t just stressed out?” he asked.

Tears started welling up in my eyes. He was the second gastroenterologist who’d told me this. “No, I know there’s something wrong with me. I’m sick every day,” I said quietly.

Unable to find the issue, he sent me home that day without a diagnosis. I remember calling my mom that night in tears. “No one knows what’s wrong with me,” I cried. “I’m starting to think I’ll never feel normal again.”

This exchange with the gastroenterologist took place before I learned I was a highly sensitive person (HSP). It was before I discovered, months later, that my mysterious stomach issues were very real and caused by SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth). It was before I understood the impact a sensitive nervous system can have on a person’s health.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t yet learned how to advocate for my needs. In fact, I didn’t really know what my needs were, so I’d gone to many doctors who didn’t quite know how to help me either.

Julie Bjelland, a psychotherapist and sensitivity expert, is passionate about empowering highly sensitive people. She believes one of the most important ways we HSPs can do that is by learning to advocate for our needs. Bjelland told me that she’s seen too many HSPs go through situations similar to mine, or worse, as a result of their medical team not understanding their sensitivity. 

Believe it or not, many medical professionals are unfamiliar with the trait of high sensitivity — so, as a result, doctors’ visits are different for highly sensitive people.That’s why Bjelland created a form letter for HSPs to share with their medical practitioners as a way to explain the trait to them.

Otherwise, this disconnect can result in HSPs being misunderstood, misdiagnosed, or even improperly medicated. That’s why, when we HSPs take our needs into our own hands, we not only feel more empowered, but we also receive the treatment that’s best for us. And telling our medical practitioners — doctors, therapists, you name it — that we’re HSPs is the first step.  

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

What Exactly Is High Sensitivity and How Does It Make Medical Care Different?

High Sensitivity is also scientifically known as sensory processing sensitivity. People with the trait of high sensitivity have highly sensitive nervous systems and are deeply affected by subtleties in their environment. Due to their highly sensitive nervous systems, they have a tendency to get overstimulated by things like bright lights, itchy clothing tags, or loud noises, to name a few.

Most highly sensitive people will probably tell you they’ve always felt different than their less sensitive counterparts. HSPs tend to shy away from small talk, preferring deep, meaningful conversations. They also find themselves needing more sleep, alone time, and space between social engagements.

In our daily lives, most of us HSPs understand what we need. We know we enjoy more downtime, space, and quiet than most people. But, what about when it comes to our medical care? Speaking from my own experience, at least, I didn’t understand that being an HSP affected the type of medical care I needed, too.

Bjelland explains how the HSP brain is different and why this affects us. “We even have brain differences that impact us in different ways,” she says. “For example, there is more activation in the amygdala that can activate the fight/flight part of the brain, causing anxiety and even panic attacks for some. There is more depth of processing and more data input into the entire system.”    

She says this is also a sensory processing sensitivity; in other words, that an overloaded nervous system can cause many symptoms that practitioners might misinterpret and misdiagnose. “If a practitioner understands this and can teach their patients/clients ways of reducing this overload naturally, they will have better outcomes,” she says. 

Can you imagine how this would change medical appointments for us HSPs for the better?

A natural method Bjelland uses with HSP clients to help get rid of their anxiety is brain training. She teaches them how to activate calming centers that deactivate their stress centers and has seen improvement within just 1-2 weeks. “Many clients have come to me suffering years of issues,” she says. “Within weeks, they feel better using these methods and understanding why they are the way they are.”

Highly Sensitive People Are Often Misunderstood by Their Medical Practitioners    

If you’re a highly sensitive person, you know that we tend to be more sensitive to pain (both emotional and physical) than non-HSPs. This comes with the territory of being highly sensitive, right? We seem to feel everything more deeply than others — which is both a blessing and a curse. Because of this, we may feel misunderstood, or even judged, when we react strongly to pain that may be “not that bad” for someone else.

In the same way that many HSPs try to mask their sensitive nature to fit in at social situations, we may try to hide our sensitivity when it comes to our health, as well.

In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Elaine Aron explains that because we HSPs are extraordinarily aware of subtle physical changes, this may sound off “false alarms” when it comes to our health. Many of us can relate to going to the doctor when we’ve noticed something off in our bodies, only to hear that it’s “all in our head.”

Being dismissed in this way can cause HSPs to feel self-conscious or embarrassed about seeing a doctor in the future. To avoid seeming like we’re “overreacting,” we may begin to wait until our symptoms become dangerous before finally getting medical attention.

I remember feeling wildly misunderstood and alone in my journey with digestive issues. I knew I had these symptoms, yet there wasn’t a doctor who could diagnose me. In understanding my sensitivity today, I can now see that I was acutely aware of the shifts taking place in my body.

Bjelland says I may have felt those shifts in my body because HSPs have more activation in the insula part of the brain, the area that gives them an incredible amount of early somatic information. “HSPs often have the gift of being aware of symptoms before they even show up on tests, and that means they can catch problems early and have better outcomes medically,” she says. “They need practitioners who believe them and know about this higher level of awareness.”

Being a highly sensitive person is a delicate dance of getting to know ourselves, trusting ourselves, and then having the wherewithal to advocate for ourselves. Things are simply a little bit different for us. And since we HSPs make up only about 20 percent of the population, the majority of people around us won’t understand our sensitivity trait, so it’s important that we tell them about it. Especially the people whose medical care we are in.

Depending on the situation, of course, natural remedies are often a great place to start for highly sensitive people seeking medical treatment. Because, as you may have guessed, HSPs tend to be more sensitive to medication, too. This means that if a doctor doesn’t understand our sensitive system, there’s a possible risk of being overmedicated.

Bjelland experienced the danger of this in her own life. She told me, “Many sensitive adults and children have been given inaccurate diagnoses and improperly and dangerously medicated,” she says. “When I was younger, before I knew about the trait, I’d been improperly medicated and suffered serious side effects that almost cost me my life.”

From a therapeutic standpoint, Bjelland has found that even the most simple, natural remedies work really well for HSPs. She says, “Simply spending more time in nature and daily quiet alone time with sensory breaks is the greatest medicine for most HSPs and natural, with no side effects! I have had countless therapists tell me they finally understand how to help their clients after they learn about the trait.”

From a personal standpoint, I can attest to the power of natural remedies for HSPs. In my journey with digestive issues, I finally found healing when I began working with a holistic practitioner who understood my sensitive needs. With his guidance, I learned the proper diet, supplements, and stress-reduction tactics to support my system in order to heal. Some of my favorite stress-reduction tactics are guided meditations, gentle yoga, and simply spending time in nature. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

How to Explain High Sensitivity to Your Medical Team

For HSPs, the thought of explaining our sensitivity trait to a well-trained medical professional might feel daunting. Who am I to tell them? we might be thinking. Remember, though, being an empowered HSP means advocating for our needs! We can also make this explanation much easier by utilizing the form letter created by Bjelland.

In addition to sharing the form letter with our medical team, Bjelland has some tips on how to best approach this conversation. “I believe that going about it as if you are educating them about something important is helpful,” she says. And the language you use is also important. 

She recommends saying something like:

“Have you heard about the trait of high sensitivity that 20 percent of the population has? It’s also called Sensory Process Sensitivity. You have probably noticed about 1 out of 4 or 5 patients seem more sensitive in different areas. I wanted to give you this letter so you could understand me better, because I believe it’s essential for you to know about the trait to provide me with the best care.”

If you’re explaining your trait to your therapist — or another type of medical professional — you can share a similar sentiment. It also may be helpful to note that, according to Bjelland, at least half of the people in therapy are likely to have the trait of high sensitivity. With this in mind, your sharing about this trait may help their other clients, too!

As highly sensitive people, we have an opportunity for so much personal growth when we’re informed about the way our unique systems work. Speaking from personal experience, my years with digestive issues were some of the hardest of my life, but they also gifted me the most growth. They taught me how to listen to my body, trust myself, and advocate for my needs. I’m happy to share that, today, digestive issues are no longer a part of my life.

When we learn how to advocate for ourselves, we step into an empowered space. Learning how to speak up for ourselves not only improves our lives, but it inspires the other highly sensitive people around us to do the same.

Click here to download Julie Bjelland’s letter to medical practitioners that explains high sensitivity.

Want to learn how to reduce stress and thrive as a highly sensitive person? We recommend Julie Bjelland’s online courses for HSPs. Click here to learn more.

You might like:

• Why Doctor Visits Really Are Different for Highly Sensitive People
• 9 Ways I Manage My Chronic Illness as a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Verbal Communication Can Be Difficult for Quiet HSPs — and How to Change That

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Should You Tell Your Medical Providers That You’re an HSP? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

When you think “scary,” you probably think of haunted houses, horror movies, and unresolved crimes. By most people’s standards, these things are pretty terrifying.

For highly sensitive people (HSPs), these things are, of course, scary. But, if you’re an HSP like I am, you know there are also plenty of “scary” moments that happen in real life for us almost every day! Check out this list of 13 things that tend to scare HSPs the most.

13 Things That ‘Scare’ HSPs the Most

1. People who don’t stop talking

One of the scariest (and most overwhelming) things for an HSP is a person who doesn’t stop talking. Whew! As HSPs, we enjoy connecting deeply and having meaningful conversations. However, if we’re in a one-sided conversation where the other person is chatting away with no signs of stopping, we can begin to feel trapped, anxious, and completely overwhelmed. At least let us get a word in!

2. A busy day with no downtime

Ask any highly sensitive person what they dislike most, and I’ll bet a majority will tell you that a busy day with no downtime is one of the worst. When we’re moving from one thing to the next without a chance to breathe, we can quickly feel overstimulated and overwhelmed. Although busy days are sometimes inevitable (especially if you’re a parent!), we operate best when we can have breaks to decompress and reconnect to ourselves.

3. Being snuck up on

It never fails. Any time my husband sneaks up on me, I get spooked. If I’m deeply immersed in work and a coworker taps me on the shoulder, I almost always jump. It’s a visceral and immediate reaction that always gets my heart racing. For HSPs, being snuck up on, even when it’s totally harmless, is scary!

4. Getting stuck in a loud social situation

Okay, I said that HSPs probably dislike busy days the most… but being stuck in a loud social situation might take the cake. Imagine you rode to a party with a friend, you hardly know anyone there, it’s loud, and you can’t leave when you want to. Sounds scary, right? As highly sensitive people, we’re processing so much of our environment — the smells, sounds, lights, energy, and emotions. It can quickly become a lot! Especially if we don’t feel we have a way to escape it.

5. When someone yells or is rude

For many sensitive people, even overhearing someone yelling or being rude can be scary. Personally, I get an instant stomachache when I hear someone speaking rudely to a server at a restaurant. And don’t even get me started on people with road rage! 

Now, when the yelling or rudeness is directed at us… that’s even worse. As HSPs, we have sensitive nervous systems, which mean we will react more strongly than non-HSPs to these types of behaviors.

6. Small talk — about the weather, traffic, you name it

“So, how about this weather we’re having?” *Shudder*… Small talk can be quite brutal for HSPs. As sensitive souls, we tend to thrive on deep, meaningful conversations. Like, if we get on the topic of spirituality or our greatest fears in life, I’ll talk to you all day long. But, if our conversation is centered around the weather or traffic… I’m going to find a way out, quick.

7. Sleeping in an unfamiliar place

When it comes to my sleep, I’m incredibly particular and sensitive about it — and highly sensitive people need more sleep in general. I need a fan running, an eye mask on, and my earplugs in. I know I’m not the only HSP who’s like this. So, if I’m sleeping somewhere new — whether it’s a hotel room or a friend’s house — it can be a little anxiety-inducing. We HSPs might think things like: What is that weird noise? Ugh, it’s so cold in here. These sheets are itchy! Which may then keep us awake, which leads me to my next point…

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

8. Being expected to function while exhausted

Sleep is critical for highly sensitive people. Since we tend to get overstimulated by the world around us, our bodies desperately need sleep to rest and recuperate after a long day. And when we don’t get the rest we need, it can be really tough on our sensitive systems, causing increased anxiety, stress, and illness. You certainly don’t want to be around us when we haven’t gotten enough sleep either — now that can get scary!

9. Someone watching over your shoulder as you work

Does anyone else perform poorly when someone’s watching over your shoulder? Yeah, that’s definitely an HSP thing. I can be totally proficient at a task, but as soon as I know someone’s eyes are on me, I get nervous and make mistakes I’d never make otherwise. Do us a favor and don’t watch us perform tasks — it freaks us out.

10. A last-minute change in plans

Most sensitive types appreciate having extra time to prepare and plan ahead. We like to know what we can expect when walking into a situation. So, when there’s a last-minute change in plans, we can easily feel overwhelmed and thrown off. Spontaneity isn’t usually our middle name, and that’s okay.

11. Being rushed, which will only make you more flustered

Do not, I repeat, do not rush an HSP. If there’s one thing that causes a sensitive person to feel flustered, it’s someone barking at them that they’ve gotta leave in one minute! For most of us HSPs, we need extra time to transition from one activity to the next. Whenever possible, we thrive when we have time buffers so we’re able to ease into new situations without rushing.

12. Loud, sudden noises

Whether it’s someone’s booming voice or the sound of sirens rushing by outside, a loud, sudden noise can cause an HSP to leap out of their seat. Again, with our finely tuned nervous systems, we simply react more strongly to stimuli in our environments. So loud noises can feel especially jarring for us.

13. Inauthentic people

We HSPs have a knack for sensing if someone is genuine or not thanks to our keen intuition. Since we tend to be very genuine, sincere people ourselves, we can easily sniff out if someone is acting fake and inauthentic. Some people say that HSPs are almost like human lie detectors — we always seem to know when someone is being dishonest. So, when we get the feeling that someone isn’t being real with us, it can be a little scary!

HSPs, what “scares” you most? Let us know in the comments below!

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

You might like:

• These 21 Things Stress Out Highly Sensitive People the Most
• Sensitive to Scary Movies? You’re Not Alone
• 13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand

The post The 13 Things That Scare Highly Sensitive People the Most appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

As a highly sensitive (and introverted) person, one of the activities I dread most is small talk. Seriously, I’d rank it up there with finding a cockroach in my house or pulling weeds in 100-degree heat. No thanks, I’ll pass!   

Now, I want you to know that I am by no means unsociable. I’m often described as friendly and warm. And, to date, one of my favorite jobs was working as a restaurant server because of all the interesting people I got to meet. But, just because I can do small talk doesn’t mean I enjoy it.

As a devout “small-talk-disliker,” let me give you an example of what scares the pants off me. Maybe you can relate.

I was at my friend Jenna’s house for lunch on a sunny Saturday afternoon. She’d also invited over a work friend that I’d never met before. The friend seemed nice enough, but shortly after introducing us, Jenna excused herself to start preparing lunch. No, no, no. Don’t go! Suddenly, it’s just the work friend and me. We smiled at each other and my palms began to sweat.

What do we talk about? I just met this woman. I secretly hoped that Jenna wouldn’t take too long to make our lunch. I wondered if maybe we should have just offered to help her in the kitchen so we didn’t have to be alone. My mind raced, but instead, I took a deep breath and decided to break the silence. “So… how long have you known Jenna?” I asked with a smile as I hoped for the best…

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Why Highly Sensitive People Dislike Small Talk

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) have an affinity for the rich, meaningful experiences in life. We naturally take in so much information about the world around us and then process it deeply. As a result, we’re often quite introspective with vibrant internal lives.  

Not to mention, the majority of HSPs are introverts, which heightens our desire for introspection and quiet contemplation. Because of this, we enjoy having conversations that go deep, allow us to share our internal musings, and make us feel connected to others in a meaningful way.

We love to hear you speak passionately about the work that lights your heart on fire. We empathize deeply when you share vulnerably about a recent breakup. We’re enraptured when you tell us about your life-changing spiritual experience in Bali. Give us the realness, the depth, the raw emotion. We’re all in.

That’s why, in contrast, small talk can feel so flat and dull to sensitive people. When we’re partaking in it, we’re only scratching the surface. We’re talking about the weather, our jobs, or if we’ve tried that new restaurant in town. It just doesn’t quite fulfill that desire we have to really get to know the internal workings of another human being.

In addition to that, social situations can sometimes feel overstimulating for HSPs, especially if we’re talking with someone we don’t know well. So, when we’re expected to partake in small talk, we might feel increasingly uncomfortable and anxious, causing our minds to go blank as we search for something to talk about.

Like I shared in the beginning, I got nervous when I was left alone with a person I’d only just met. In that moment, I became acutely aware of how shy I felt. I was worried this woman might think I was boring, awkward, or didn’t have anything special to offer. In other words, I experienced a bout of social anxiety, which is not uncommon for HSPs.

However, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, partaking in small talk every now and then is important for us to do. Why? Because it’s the gateway to that meaningful conversation we so deeply crave.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I hosted a New Year’s Eve party at our house. My husband is an extrovert and a total social butterfly. He was excited to host the party. And while I was excited, too, I wanted to create a more unique and meaningful way for our guests to ring in the new year.

So I had the idea to place conversation cards under each of our dinner plates. I wrote questions like, “What was the best thing that happened to you this year?” and “What was your favorite trip you took, and why?”

As a result, we ended up having new, interesting conversations that lasted the entire night. We got to learn things about our friends that we’d never known and became closer as a result. Everyone agreed that this activity needed to become a tradition every New Year’s Eve.

If you’re a highly sensitive person who dislikes small talk, this is just one way you can tease out more meaningful conversations with people. But if you’re not in a situation where conversation cards are handy, here are a few other tips that can help.

4 Ways to Turn Small Talk Into Meaningful Conversation

1. Ask deeper, more involved questions. 

We’re often disappointed by small talk because we simply aren’t asking more involved questions. Many are very surface-level with little wiggle room to go deeper. So try asking questions that can lead somewhere more interesting and more in-depth. For instance, you can ask someone, “Where do you live?” and get a standard, predictable answer. A more interesting version of that question to ask would be, “What made you decide to move here?” From there, you’ll likely learn something new about them, leading into more meaningful conversation.

2. Get genuinely curious about the other person. 

As Dale Carnegie famously said in his book, How To Win Friends and Influence People, “You can make more friends in two months by being genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get them interested in you.” Oftentimes in conversation, we’re so focused on what we should say next or maybe about how uncomfortable we feel. Instead, try shifting your focus into being genuinely curious about the person in front of you. We all have hopes, dreams, and fears. You may think you have nothing in common with them, but you’ll be surprised what you can find when you get genuinely curious.

3. Share more revealing responses. 

Conversations go both ways, right? So, if you’re hoping to have exchanges that feel more fulfilling, make sure you’re sharing interesting and revealing responses, too! For example, let’s say someone at work asks, “How was your weekend?” Instead of responding, “It was pretty good! How was yours?” you could be a little bit more specific. “My weekend was fun! My husband and I went on a new hike that led to this beautiful waterfall.” Then they’ll probably ask where the hike was, and so on. When we share more insightful responses, we offer an opportunity for the other person to engage more deeply.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Have anxiety-reducing practices ready. 

As I stated above, small talk can sometimes feel uncomfortable for HSPs because we feel anxious and overstimulated in our environment. One thing that helps me in social situations is to ground myself in the present moment. If you notice yourself feeling anxious about holding a conversation, try this. Notice what your feet feel like on the ground and feel the chair supporting your back — really become aware of the way you are supported in this moment. 

We often feel anxious because our body feels unsafe and on edge. Because of this, I also love taking deep breaths into my stomach (instead of my chest), which signals to my body that I’m relaxed and okay. According to Harvard Medical School, “Belly breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which runs from the head down the neck, through the chest, and to the colon. This activates your relaxation response, reducing your heart rate and blood pressure and lowering stress levels.”

A Plus? Small Talk Can Lead to New Friendships

While sensitive people may never love small talk (does anyone, really?), we can learn ways to make it a little bit more enjoyable. Plus, our end goal is to have conversations with people that actually fill our HSP cups, right?

It helps to remember that while small talk may not be our favorite activity in the world, it’s usually the first step to establishing a more meaningful connection with someone. That’s what happened after I took that deep breath and started a conversation with Jenna’s work friend. As we began to break down the small talk barriers, I learned we had a lot in common! In fact, after I shared with her that I work with HSPs, she realized that she was most likely an HSP, too, and couldn’t wait to learn more.

So you never know what treasures may await on the other side of that dreaded small talk. Sometimes it’s nothing, but other times, it’s a new HSP friend!

You might like:

• Do You Crave Deeper, More Meaningful Friendships? You’re Not Alone
• HSPs Aren’t Unsociable, We’re Just Cautious About Depleting Our Energy
• What Highly Sensitive People Value Most in a Friend

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Why Small Talk Bores HSPs (and How to Turn It Into Meaningful Conversation) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I’m uber sensitive — a highly sensitive person (HSP) right down the line. I don’t really play it cool. I’m easily excitable and it shows. I often overextend myself for others. And I put my heart and soul into almost everything I do. But, I always used to wish that I cared less.

People who give zero f#%&s have always intrigued me. The ones who are never afraid to speak their mind, don’t get rattled by someone disliking them, blaze their own path. How do they just not care? 

I’ve admired their attitude longingly even while saying “Yes!” to helping my friend move, or staying late at work to perfect a project for my boss. Still, I didn’t think it was cool to be someone like me — someone who gets so invested in everything. Especially not at work. 

Are you a highly sensitive person? Here’s how to know for sure.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

When the Workplace Makes Caring Seem Uncool

At my previous company, caring definitely wasn’t an attitude that helped you climb the ladder. The people who held high positions had an edge about them — they led with aggression and intimidation. It was almost glorified to be intimidating. Think The Devil Wears Prada, except they really didn’t need to act that way. 

Monday mornings after a weekend of poor sales were the worst. Hold onto your sales reports — it’s going to be a bumpy ride! When we met with upper management, it was like getting cross examined by an attorney. Why were sales so bad? Did we not have enough inventory? Why were we missing “size small” when I visited the store? I felt like a kitten surrounded by sharks that were ready to eat me alive.

I’d drive to work on those Monday mornings with a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I figured the only way I’d succeed and move up was if I hardened my soft shell.

And don’t get me wrong, I knew how to put on my bossy pants. I definitely knew how to get stuff done. I was never one to go hide and cry at work (though there’s nothing wrong if that’s you!). But being highly sensitive made me care deeply about everything. I always wanted to be nice to people, exchange friendly emails, and make the workplace comfortable. It didn’t roll off my back when people were rude to me. Instead, it frustrated me and I’d need to talk about it.

So I tried to adopt the I don’t care attitude.

I Don’t Care. Wait, Yes I Do.

I tried and tried. I convinced myself that I didn’t care. I’d get spoken to harshly at work and it penetrated me deeply. I was filled with injustice. I thought, I don’t deserve to be talked to this way! But I only bottled it up inside, repeating, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. 

A male coworker was super inappropriate toward me. Just be chill. Be one of the guys. Don’t make this some huge deal.

The loop went on. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.

I wanted to be this cool, laidback girl, so I kept all of those emotions inside, which ate me alive. I am, by my very nature, an emotional person. Repressing all of those feelings was super unhealthy for me. It was unnatural and my body told me so through stomach aches, migraines, and hair loss.

I Did Care. About Everything. A Lot.

This experience taught me resilience. Though that work environment was toxic for me, I did develop a thicker skin than if I’d just had it easy. Now, an undertone of rudeness or someone’s snotty attitude doesn’t bother me so much anymore because I worked in a place where that was the norm. It taught me to take things less personally.

But: Does it make it right for people to talk poorly to each other? Absolutely not. And for a workplace to almost glorify that type of behavior? Definitely not okay. I quit that job with a smile on my face.

In a world where it’s cool to say “I give zero f$%#s,” I’ve learned that to not care is not me.

What makes me me is my sensitive and caring nature. I’ve come to learn how it’s my greatest asset — it sets me apart. What a shame that I ever wanted to hide it. I’m an HSP and I’m proud of it! 

Embracing this about myself — learning how to lean into it and use those strengths to my advantage — has helped me in so many aspects of my life. I’m stronger now than I ever would’ve been if I’d continued to suppress it.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Why Caring Matters

People want to work with people who care.

Actually caring about the people you’re working with and striving to do what’s good for the team — instead of thinking, “What’s in it for me?” — is a rare and precious trait. We all know those standout employees who are always helping others, doing exceptional work, getting creative, and staying late here and there. No complaints, no entitlement. We remember those people because they’re so different. We feel how much they care. You know what I mean?

The greatest leaders are those who understand the strengths of the individuals on their team and look for ways to empower them. They realize they aren’t any good without a solid and happy team. That means taking care of their people, listening, and building trust.

Empathetic people make great teammates and leaders because we’re able to anticipate the needs of others. Caring about people is weak? As if! If you asked me, leading a team of people who feel afraid and unhappy is weak. It only serves to reflect the leaders themselves.

Empathetic leaders are able to sense who needs to hear more compliments, who needs space, who works well together, and who needs time to vent and feel heard. Understanding all of this helps others to trust you and work well with you.

When you’re able to sense what others need to feel supported, you’re able to make them feel important, seen, and heard. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is a huge strength and it’s what today’s workforce needs more of.

You might like:

• 4 Workplace Behaviors that Hit Highly Sensitive People Hard
• The 7 Best Careers for a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Empathy Is a Rare and Valuable Strength in the Workforce appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I was dealing with an issue at work recently when, seemingly out of nowhere, I started to cry. This caught me by surprise. The issue I was dealing with was small and not that big of a deal. Even though I’m a highly sensitive person, I wouldn’t usually cry over something like this.

As I dried my tears, I thought about it for a little bit: What made me so quick to cry in this situation?

Then it hit me. I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept well the past couple of nights, and as an HSP, I really need at least eight hours of sleep in order to function properly. (In fact, HSPs overall need more sleep than others.) Any time I’m overly tired, it’s easier for me to snap at things that wouldn’t normally upset me. My lack of sleep was a probable explanation as to why I’d cried over a small mishap.

In my case, I only managed to figure this out because of my long experience knowing my own “overstimulation triggers.” But it turns out, it’s part of a larger tool therapists recommend to check on your feelings — and prevent overstimulation and overwhelm. And I think it’s particularly useful to HSPs. 

What Does ‘HALT’ Mean? It Stands for Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness

I didn’t know it at the time, but my little self-assessment is part of an acronym some therapists use called HALT. HALT refers to Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness. It’s a sort of mini-checking you can use when you’re feeling anxious, overstimulated, overwhelmed, you name it. It’s a method for checking in with ourselves in order to assess what we need to feel better.

For highly sensitive people, learning how to HALT can be incredibly valuable. Because we’re so impacted by our environments and internal experience, it’s important we know how to assess our feelings and make adjustments as needed. Let’s dive into each of the letters of this acronym to learn how to use them in a practical way.

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‘H’ Is for ‘Hunger’

You know those times that you’re so hungry, it makes you angry? That’s where the term “hangry” comes from, a common issue among HSPs. This is actually because when we’re hungry, our blood sugar drops, which then triggers a flurry of hormones, including cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones trigger feelings of stress and the fight-or-flight response, which cause us to feel edgy.

Highly sensitive people are especially sensitive to blood sugar imbalances because we’re naturally so acutely aware of the changes in our body. In fact, we actually have more activation in the insula part of the brain, which is what gives us access to more somatic intelligence. Basically, when something feels a little bit off for us, it can be nearly impossible not to notice it.

The good news is that there are ways to balance our blood sugar so that we’re less likely to experience those moments of anger due to being hungry. As best we can, we can try to be proactive about it so that we’re not caught off guard by extreme hunger and blood sugar drops.

Highly Sensitive Refuge spoke to Meghan Toups, LPC, ABD, who says, “HSPs can aim to balance their blood sugar by eliminating refined sugar and processed foods. This is particularly important because spikes in blood sugar (caused by eating a lot of sugar and refined carbs) can lead to mood instability and irritability.” Instead, she suggests switching to sweeteners, like maple syrup, stevia, or coconut sugar, which helps regulate blood sugar better.

For HSPs, it’s especially important to take good care of our bodies so that we’re less impacted by things like hunger, which exacerbates our feelings of overstimulation.

‘A’ Is for ‘Anger’

Many highly sensitive people find that they feel angry when they’re overstimulated. I can attest to this on a personal level. Any time I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I’m given, I immediately go to this feeling of anger and resentment. If I get caught up in feeling this way without taking a step back, I may risk behaving in a way that I’ll later regret.

When the feeling of anger arises, try your best to calm yourself before making any sort of decision or taking any action. For me, having a regular meditation practice has helped me get better at responding mindfully in situations, rather than reacting impulsively. This cord-cutting meditation for sensitive souls is one of my favorite meditations when I’m feeling upset. It aims to do exactly what it sounds like — it helps you cut the cord from challenging interactions with others, stressful situations, and anxious thoughts. At the end of this meditation, the goal is for you to feel calm and reconnected to yourself. 

It’s also important to remember that it’s completely normal to feel different emotions, and when they arise, it’s healthy to actually allow ourselves to feel them. When we experience anger, but then try to stuff it down or ignore it, it may come up again later in an even more explosive way.

“Practice acknowledging and naming your emotions — especially the difficult ones, like anger and sadness,” says Toups. “If we repress emotions regularly, we are more prone to outbursts or experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression. Working with a licensed therapist or trained professional can help you to develop an emotion-based vocabulary.”

‘L’ Is for ‘Loneliness’

As human beings, we are wired for connection. And even though the majority of us sensitive people are introverts who enjoy spending time alone, we still have an innate need for connection with other people.

Sometimes when we’re feeling off, it can actually be because we’re feeling disconnected from other people. For instance, you may be living in the same house with your spouse, but if you’re both constantly on your cell phones rather than having meaningful conversations, you may begin to feel lonely.

Another way HSPs may feel lonely is by not having people around them who “get” them. It’s important for us sensitive souls to have a community of people who relate to us and make us feel seen, accepted, and heard for exactly who we are. Without that, we may feel isolated, lonely, or disconnected, which can lead to feelings of depression.

Thankfully, there are many wonderful online communities for highly sensitive people to connect with one another from all over the world. We can also take steps to explain our sensitivity to the non-HSPs in our lives in order to feel a deeper connection with them.

“HSP’s can learn how to advocate for themselves in relationships by explaining that while they might not like to attend crowded restaurants or concerts, connection is still vital,” says Toups. “Being highly sensitive isn’t something to be embarrassed about, and surrounding yourself with supportive friends is a game-changer.”

‘T’ Is for ‘Tiredness’

Feeling tired can affect highly sensitive people greatly. For most of us HSPs, getting an abundance of sleep is vital to our overall well-being. Since we’re constantly taking in so much stimulation and processing at such a deep level, we may get exhausted more easily. It’s important for us to ensure we’re getting plenty of rest in order to recharge our systems.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I quickly became emotional at work due to a lack of sleep. When we aren’t getting enough rest, it impacts our emotional, mental, and physical health. Being tired makes it easier for us to fall into patterns of overthinking and anxiety, which then contribute to feelings of overwhelm.

For HSPs, it’s crucial to have good sleep hygiene — a good sleep routine — in order to support our sensitive systems. Here are some things you can do before bed to ensure a better night’s rest: limit screen time, take a warm bath, drink calming tea (such as chamomile), diffuse lavender oil, or listen to a calming, yoga nidra meditation.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

How to Use HALT to Combat Overstimulation

Using the HALT practice is a wonderful way for us HSPs to check in with ourselves and gain an awareness of what we need from moment-to-moment. When we’re able to assess if we’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, we can then pinpoint a way to support ourselves in the moment. “Because the regulation of the body impacts the regulation of the mind, and HSPs feel things more deeply, any imbalance can feel like a big one,” says Toups.

Some ways you can combat overstimulation include:

• Take a time-out. No matter where you are — at work, a party, at home — if you start to feel overwhelmed, take a time-out. If you can’t get outside, even if it’s a bathroom or closet, find a mini HSP sanctuary where you can get some moments of calm. You can do some deep breathing, listen to a soothing song, or whatever works best for you.
• Take a technology break. These days, we’re so connected to our devices. However, when we’re feeling overstimulated, one of the best things we can do is put our phone away. Sometimes we need a break from the constant social media notifications, blue light, and opinions of others online. It’s amazing how much better we feel when we disconnect for a bit!
• Spend time in nature. Nature is a healing balm for a sensitive soul. Sometimes the world feels too loud, aggressive, and overwhelming for us. But, when we take a step outside and connect with nature, we’re reminded of the beauty and simplicity that exists all around us.
• Lay under a weighted blanket. Weighted blankets are an amazing tool, especially for those who struggle with anxiety. Lying under the heavy blanket feels soothing, like a warm hug, and calms our nervous system. This is my favorite weighted blanket that I sleep with every night!
• Move your body. Sometimes overstimulation and emotional overload can make us feel wound up and edgy, as if we have energy we need to get out of our bodies. If you’re feeling this way, physically moving your body is always a great thing to do! Whether it’s going for a walk, stretching, kickboxing, or swimming — exercising is a sure way to feel more calm and clear.
• Write it out. Do you ever feel like you have a million thoughts running through your head? When we’re feeling overstimulated, it can be hard to think straight, which perpetuates the cycle of overwhelm. Writing out your thoughts and feelings into a journal is a great way to get them out of your head and onto the paper. This practice itself can be very therapeutic and often takes the edge off the worries that were so prevalent in our minds.

It’s also important for us to be compassionate and loving with ourselves. When we’re feeling out of balance, it can be easy to judge ourselves for feeling that way. We may wish we were less sensitive and affected by things. However, when we meet ourselves with compassion, we can resolve the uncomfortable feelings in a quicker, gentler way.

As highly sensitive souls, we will naturally be more impacted by our internal experience and the world around us. Using the HALT method is a great thing to keep in our HSP mental health toolbox. It’s also a wonderful way to lovingly support yourself the way you’d support a child, or someone else you care about. You deserve to be treated in that same way, too!

You might like:

• 3 Things I Keep in My ‘HSP Mental Health Toolbox’
• I’ve Been Fighting Anxiety for 20 Years. Here’s What I Learned.
• How to Restore Balance as a Highly Sensitive Person

The post How Highly Sensitive People Can Use the ‘HALT’ Acronym to Stop Overstimulation appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

One of the signature traits of being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is having a sensitive nervous system that’s prone to overstimulation. There are many things can overstimulate us HSPs, whether it’s having too much to do at once, being in a chaotic environment, or not having enough downtime to recharge. When we’re consistently taking in too much stimulation, it’s inevitable that we’ll reach a state of overwhelm if we don’t take a step back.

What happens when we’re overwhelmed?

Well, it might be slightly different for each of us. And, sometimes, it can even show up in sneaky ways (check out the 7th item on this list!). Since feeling overwhelmed manifests differently for each of us, I think it’s important we’re able to identify when we’re feeling overwhelmed so we can take action to care for ourselves. Otherwise, we’ll likely feel one — or some — of the ways below. 

7 Things That Happen to Highly Sensitive People When They’re Overwhelmed

1. They feel like shutting down and shutting out the world.

Have you ever been so overwhelmed that you can’t even fathom doing one more thing? Sometimes we can get to the place where we’re so stressed out, the only thing that’s left to do is shut out the world because we simply can’t take it anymore.

Let me set the stage for you here. Imagine it’s Wednesday morning and you’ve already had a busy week. On top of that, you’re tired because you haven’t been sleeping well. You check your calendar for the day and it’s packed — meeting after meeting, barely time for lunch, and you’ve got a project due at 5 p.m. Looking at your day ahead makes your stomach churn.

I can’t do this! you might think. I’m done. This is too much for me.

This is how overwhelm can show up for some of us. In this case, we may actually shut down and take the day off of work. Or, we may continue along with our day anyway, but be completely withdrawn from the people around us.

2. They feel resentful of others — for everything from having too much work to too many post-work commitments.

How does everyone else have so much time? How do they get all of these things done and I can’t? Must be nice to have all of that free time! For me, personally, these are the types of thoughts that flood my mind when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

If we consistently have too much going on and struggle to manage it all, it’s only natural that we may feel resentful of the people around us who appear to be managing it all with ease. We might also find ourselves feeling resentful toward the people we feel are adding more stress to our plates.

In these instances, it’s a good opportunity for us to look at the boundaries we’ve set in our lives and see where we’re overloading ourselves. Remember, it’s our responsibility to manage our energy and how much we’re outputting on a regular basis. If your boss expects you to do too many things in one day — or week — for instance, it’s up to you to say something. After all, you want to deliver your best quality work; it’s not just about quantity. The same goes for out-of-work activities, like your kids’ after-school ones or the fact that it’s your turn to make the family dinner. You have to be realistic about what you can reasonably do, which is where your boundaries come in.

3. They get frustrated, angry, or upset.

As highly sensitive people, we tend to value having time and space to ourselves and love when we can escape into our HSP sanctuary. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, whether it’s due to a packed schedule or someone not respecting our boundaries, we can begin to feel frustrated, angry, or upset.

I know I’m feeling too overwhelmed when I start snapping at my partner or getting annoyed by small things that wouldn’t normally bother me. If I’m feeling stressed out for an extended period of time, and like my needs aren’t being met, it’s only natural that I may end up taking this out on people who don’t deserve it. Sound familiar?

Similar to feeling resentful of others, it’s important that we remember to take responsibility for how we’re outputting our energy. We need to protect it: If we’re consistently doing too much, we need to remember to set those healthy boundaries I mentioned earlier and say “no,” as well as ask for help when we need it.

4. They make mistakes because they aren’t thinking clearly.

When we’re overwhelmed, we tend to feel frantic and chaotic, which can cause us to either move too quickly or to freeze and not know which step to take next. Either way, we have cloudy thinking, and this causes us to overlook details and make mistakes. Even little things can suddenly feel like overwhelmingly big ones.

One evening, after a long day of work, I was feeling overwhelmed. My heart was beating fast and I felt totally ungrounded and frantic. I got in my car to drive home, still in this state, and after about 20 minutes of driving, I realized I was going in the completely wrong direction! My mind was so flooded with stress and overwhelm, I hadn’t even been paying attention to where I was going.

If we find ourselves feeling so overwhelmed that we can’t even think clearly, it’s important to find a grounding practice — like deep breathing or meditation — that helps us return to a neutral, relaxed state. As highly sensitive people, our nervous systems absolutely require this from us.

5. They begin to doubt their abilities (even in things that come naturally to them).

If there’s one rule of thumb I’d love to share with my fellow HSPs, it’s to not compare yourself to non-HSPs. It’s like comparing apples to oranges: both are wonderful, but they’re simply different.

When highly sensitive people find themselves continually getting overwhelmed, it can be disheartening. We may begin to doubt our abilities, especially if we compare ourselves to the people around us who seem to be managing everything just fine.

Several years ago, while working in an intense corporate environment, I found myself wallowing in self-doubt because I couldn’t deal with the stressful work as confidently as my colleagues. I often felt agitated and disjointed when I had a busy workload, which made me feel like I was weak compared to them.

As I learned about my sensitive nature over time, I recognized that I just needed to incorporate more calming, grounding practices into my life in order to better manage stressful situations. It wasn’t that I was incapable; it was just that I needed to approach it differently than non-HSPs. And coping strategies may vary from one HSP to another, too. While I like to practice meditation, you may prefer to go for mindful walks or practice yoga.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

6. They lose sleep because they can’t shut their mind off.

Sleep is super important for highly sensitive people. It’s the time that we can finally rest our overstimulated, active minds and restore for another day. HSPs often need more sleep than non-HSPs because we’re simply taking in more data each day, which causes us to feel more exhausted after a long day.

When HSPs are overwhelmed, it’s common for us to have trouble shutting our minds off at the end of the day, which, of course, affects our sleep. Whether we’re struggling to fall asleep because we can’t stop thinking — or we’re waking up in the middle of the night feeling anxious — our sleep can suffer when we’re too overwhelmed.

If this is the way overwhelm manifests for you, it’s important to practice good sleep hygiene. For instance, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends removing electronics from the bedroom, as well as going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. I’d also highly suggest doing a relaxing meditation before bed to slow down your mind in preparation for rest. One of my favorite meditations is the Empath Meditation on the Insight Timer App because it helps you release energy and overwhelm from the day. Yoga Nidra meditations, also known as “yogic sleep,” are also deeply relaxing before bedtime. 

7. They experience physical reactions and may even get sick.

Our bodies and minds are connected and intertwined — what we think about affects our physical body. Think back to the times you’ve felt anxious or stressed. Did your shoulders get tense? Did your stomach hurt? This is an example of the mind-body connection, and it’s powerful.

If we’re stuck in a state of overwhelm for too long, our cortisol levels spike. Cortisol is the body’s main stress hormone and it works with certain parts of our brain to control motivation, mood, and fear. However, when our cortisol is spiked for too long, it can cause illness within our bodies. According to WebMD, consistently high cortisol levels can result in anxiety, depression, heart disease, problems with digestion, and weight gain.

In other words, when we’re caught in a loop of stress, anxiety, and overwhelm for too long, we’re not only upsetting our minds, but our bodies, too.

We Simply Need to Know How to Nurture Ourselves

Knowing how sensitive we are to our environments, it’s essential for us HSPs to have some sort of relaxation practice in our lives so we can navigate moments of overwhelm with greater ease.

Unless you’re living your life meditating on a hill away from the rest of the world, there’s no way to completely avoid stressful, overwhelming situations. Whether we like it or not, we live in a society that caters to non-sensitive people. So, at times, life is going to feel chaotic, stressful, and much too loud.

The good news is, there are helpful practices — like meditation, grounding, and exercise (even going for a short walk!) — that can support us during those challenging times. If you notice yourself displaying signs of overwhelm, it’s crucial to check in with yourself to determine which supportive practice will help you the most. (You can try a few and then revisit your favorites!) 

Although getting overwhelmed is a natural part of being an HSP, it doesn’t have to take over our lives. It just requires a little extra self-care and self-love for us to truly thrive.

If this article helped you, check out the author, Alissa Boyer’s spiritual growth membership community for HSPs! Click here to learn more.

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Overwhelmed Easily (And How to Fix It)
• Why Highly Sensitive People Get More Overwhelmed — and How to Shut It Down
• 11 ‘Little’ Things That Overwhelm Highly Sensitive People

The post 7 Things That Happen to Highly Sensitive People When They’re Overwhelmed appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Dolly Parton: she’s the larger-than-life superstar who created mega music hits like Jolene, 9-5, and I Will Always Love You. We know her as a country music legend and the savvy businesswoman behind Dollywood… but, what about as a highly sensitive person?

At first glance, you might not assume the vivacious Coat of Many Colors singer could possibly be sensitive, let alone highly sensitive. She seems to always be on-the-go and so comfortable in the limelight — which is full of stimuli that can easily overwhelm us highly sensitive people (HSPs).

However, in the media, especially lately, she’s been open about her sensitivity and deep-feeling, open-hearted nature.

In her latest book, Dolly Parton, Songteller: My Life in Lyrics, Parton says: 

“As a songwriter and as a person, I have to leave myself wide open. I suffer a lot because I am open so much. I hurt a lot, and when I hurt, I hurt all over because I cannot harden my heart to protect myself. I always say that I strengthen the muscles around my heart, but I can’t harden it.”

While we can’t say for certain that Parton is an HSP, it’s apparent (at least to me) that her true nature is one of deep sensitivity and empathy. It doesn’t seem she’s turned away from these traits, either. In fact, she actually works with her deep-feeling gifts in order to create a positive impact on the world, as all of us highly sensitive types should do.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Parton States That She’s a “Very Sensitive Person”

“Seriously, I am a very sensitive person. I feel everything to the core,” Parton said in an interview with Closer Weekly.

She was referring to a difficult period, during the 1980s, when she was struggling both personally and professionally. It was a brief time in her life when she’d actually contemplated suicide. Parton, a woman who always appears to be cheerful and sparkly, has had her share of darkness.

“I don’t mind telling that story,” she said. “Of course, people make it a big deal, they are shocked at that, but I think it’s good for people to know that everybody goes through this kind of stuff. I do believe, though, that God puts those things in my life, too.”

Knowing that Parton is a deeply sensitive person, it makes sense why facing challenges could weigh so heavily on her. Highly sensitive people tend to be more affected by difficult circumstances than non-HSPs because of the way we’re prone to overstimulation. When we’re dealing with challenging situations, it can become incredibly overwhelming and heavy, sometimes leading to depression.

Although she’s dealt with her fair share of challenges, Parton’s career is one that, to say the least, has been truly riddled with success. The question that begs to be answered is: How has she been able to manage it all with her sensitive nature?

In a podcast interview on Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, Brown asks Parton if she’s had a price to pay for “keeping her heart open.” Parton responds, saying, “It’s like I said in there,” referring to her book. “When you hurt, you hurt all over. I’m just the kind of person that rather than lashing out at something that hurts me, I usually cry about it and pray about it.”

In the podcast interview, Parton also explains how difficult it is for her to have tough conversations with her employees. “I would prefer that people do what they say they do … and then when they take my kindness or my sensitivity for weakness, that’s a big mistake, because I’ll go with you a long way, but I’ll call you on it,” she tells Brown.

As the owner of multiple companies, having difficult conversations and confrontations are likely an inevitable part of Parton’s life. Although she finds these situations uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, the benefits she gains from being sensitive seem to far outweigh the drawbacks of it.

How Parton Uses Her Sensitivity to Make a Difference

Highly sensitive people tend to be more empathetic than most. Our deep way of experiencing life tends to soften us toward others because we can understand — and even feel — the pain someone else is going through. The ability to feel strong emotions can be a huge benefit for HSPs as artists, too.

In an interview with Irish Times, Parton references her period of depression in the 1980s, saying, “I was there, so I know how everyone feels. I’ve been where everyone has been, and it makes me able to write, and communicate, with people more than most people.”

Although Parton’s ability to feel deeply seems to be what’s caused her the most pain, it’s also what makes her music so wonderful. Her empathy is the gift that connects her with her listeners in a profound and meaningful way, I think. In fact, it appears that she takes great pride in staying open-hearted in order to keep creating and helping others.

Similarly, in the podcast interview with Brown, Parton says, “I feel I have to feel for everybody, and I’m sure you’re the same way. You have to allow yourself to be open — and you can’t just shut these doors because you want to and you’d prefer to, maybe, but that’s not how you’re going to become a good quality human being that’s going to be able to serve humanity in the best ways you can.”

Serving humanity seems to be important to Parton. In 1995, she started an organization called Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library with the purpose of providing free books to children. The inspiration behind starting this organization? Parton’s father, a man who’d never learned to read or write.

In her Songteller: My Life in Lyrics book, she recalled saying, “Daddy, there are probably millions of people in the world who don’t know how to read or write, who didn’t get the opportunity. Don’t be ashamed of that, instead, let’s go do something special.”

To date, Imagination Library has provided 150 million books to 1.6 million children across the world. It’s beautiful, the difference that can be made when sensitive people lean into their empathy in order to make the world a little brighter.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Parton’s a Quiet Person Who Appreciates Life’s Simple Pleasures

“I think probably people don’t really know what a quiet person I am,” Parton tells Brown in their podcast episode. “I’m so centered within myself,” she continues, “And when I don’t have to talk … I feel like I’m always having to be ‘on’ because somebody wants me to be on or they’re wanting something from me … But I’m basically like, when I go home, I’m very quiet. I’m very still within myself. So, I think people would be surprised to know what a calm person I really am.”

Quiet, calm, sensitive, empathetic. Despite Parton’s colorful, bold appearance, these traits seem to describe who this superstar is at her core. In her song, Just the Way I Am, her lyrics describe feelings that many HSPs can probably relate to. (I know I can!)

And even though you may not understand me
I hope that you’ll accept me like I am
For there are many sides of me, my mind and spirit must be free
And I might smile when other folks would frown
I don’t know why, it’s just the way I am
I might go out chasing butterflies
And if I fail to catch one I might cry
And if you want me you might find me in the meadow walking ’round
I don’t know why, it’s just the way I am

These lyrics give us a glimpse into who Parton really is and her sweet appreciation for the simple things in life. In her interview with Brown, she shares that one thing that brings her the greatest joy is simply sitting on the porch swing with her husband, watching the sunset. Parton also says that she keeps a tape recorder and a notebook next to her bed, just in case a song comes to her in a dream. She seems to be naturally creative, another trait of an HSP.

An appreciation for the small pleasures in life is another characteristic that highly sensitive people have in common. Having vivid dreams is another. While we can’t say for certain that Parton is an HSP, we can confidently say that she’s a sensitive, deep-feeling human being who uses her traits to make a difference in the world. She’s an example of what’s possible when we lean into our sensitivity and use it for good.

You might like:

• Are Highly Sensitive People Natural Born Creatives?
• 13 Signs That You’re an Empath
• 21 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Is Dolly Parton a Highly Sensitive Person? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

We’ve all heard the story. A person gets into a relationship that seems perfect at first. They’ve been wined and dined, totally swept off their feet, and feel like the most special person in the world. Until things begin to shift… 

Their suitor, who was once so interested in them, suddenly becomes cold, cruel, and impossible to please.

What happened? they wonder. They feel like they can’t trust their own thoughts or feelings anymore. It’s confusing, stressful, and exhausting. 

This is what it can feel like to be in a relationship with a narcissistic person. And, unfortunately, it seems to be a common experience for many of us who are highly sensitive people (HSPs).

What Is Narcissism?

Before we continue, let’s define what a narcissist is. Usually, they are characterized by being self-absorbed, having a high sense of self, and also having a lack of empathy for others (which is opposite of HSPs and their highly empathic selves). And when one’s narcissism is more extreme, they may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). And although they appear to be self-confident on the outside, on the inside, they are quite sensitive to being judged or criticized.

3 HSP Traits That Can Attract Unknowingly Narcissists

Whether you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist before, or you know someone who has, it brings up a lot of questions. Are HSPs targeted by narcissists? Do we somehow attract them to us? And if we are more susceptible to narcissists, how can we change that?

According to Dr. Rhonda Freeman, a clinical neuropsychologist who helps victims of toxic relationships, there are three traits that make you especially susceptible to narcissists:

• High empathy
• Poor boundaries
• People-pleasing

All three of these are traits that many HSPs have. This may explain why there is so much discussion of whether sensitive types are more likely to be targeted by narcissists than others. Based on Dr. Freeman’s work, narcissists may not intentionally target highly sensitive people, but may have a higher success rate of pulling HSPs under their spell.

But Dr. Freeman’s work also suggests a way HSPs (or anyone) can become nearly “narcissist-proof.” That involves changing two of the three traits Dr. Freeman identified, while still embracing the other one.

2 Traits That Can Make HSPs ‘Narcissist-Proof’

Yes, HSPs can start to become “narcissist-proof.” 

First off, keep your high empathy. Multiple studies show that HSPs score particularly high in empathy and have more brain activity in areas of the brain related to empathy. This is just part of what it means to be an HSP, and it’s likely that we HSPs couldn’t change it about ourselves even if we tried.

And that’s a good thing — empathy is one of our most powerful gifts. As author/researcher Simon Baron-Cohen says in his book, Zero Degrees of Empathy, empathy is the “universal solvent” because “any problem, immersed in empathy, becomes solvable.” We should celebrate and embrace our empathy, not try to turn it off.

That doesn’t mean we have to absorb everything around us, however — there are ways for us to stop absorbing other people’s emotions.

Instead, to “narcissist-proof” yourself, you’ll want to focus on the other two traits. Poor boundaries and people-pleasing are some of the most common struggles HSPs describe, and both are really more habits than actual personality characteristics. 

In other words — these are things you can change. And you can do that by replacing them with two good habits instead.

First, Practice the Art of Enforcing Boundaries as an HSP

First, Dr. Freeman suggests working on your boundaries. Knowing how to enforce healthy boundaries is an essential skill for HSPs, yet it’s one of the things we often struggle with the most. Why is that? Well, one reason stems from the way we often receive validation from others.     

I spoke to Matt Landsiedel, a Transformative Life Coach for HSPs. He agrees with Dr. Freeman, and he tells me, “HSPs often get into relationships with narcissistic people because they lack boundaries and tend to get their sense of self from caretaking for others. Many HSPs possess a deep ability for empathy, and this empathy can be misused and we fall into codependency and caretaking.”

Because many of us HSPs have gotten our sense of self from caretaking, we may feel uncomfortable setting boundaries, as if we’re doing something wrong or hurtful. Not to mention, many of us HSPs were rewarded in childhood for being helpful and caring, so it becomes part of our identity.

A lot of our boundary-setting struggles may stem from childhood. If you recognize you have poor boundaries and often feel violated or disrespected by others, Dr. Freeman suggests exploring the underlying cause of this pattern. She says, “For some, they may discover they have an anxious-preoccupied (insecure) attachment style that developed as a result of childhood relationships with primary care-givers.”

No matter what our background is, though, it’s critical we learn to have a sense of self that isn’t derived only from caring for others. This is where setting boundaries comes in. If you’re new to setting boundaries, here are a few tips from one HSP to another to help you get started:

• Start small. If you’re brand new to boundary-setting, don’t jump right into setting the biggest, scariest boundary. Instead, practice a small boundary, such as taking your time to respond to a text message instead of responding immediately or turning down plans with an understanding friend if you’re feeling tired.
• Create a script. In emotional situations, it’s easy for HSPs to get mentally and emotionally flooded and lose our train of thought. So, when you’re setting a boundary, you may find it helpful to have a loose script to follow. For example, if you need to decline an invitation, you can say, “Thanks for the invitation, but I can’t attend this time.” No explanation necessary. Yes, it will probably be hard for you to say no, but it’s crucial in terms of practicing both boundary-setting and self-care.
• Check in with yourself. Make it a practice to check in with yourself and notice how you’re feeling. A great way to make this a practice is by setting a reminder on your phone to check in with yourself during the workday. When the timer goes off, stop what you’re doing and assess the way you’re feeling. Are your shoulders tense? Is your jaw clenched? Do you feel overwhelmed? If so, then it may be time to take a short break or let your boss know you need more time on that project. When you become more familiar with yourself and what you need, it becomes easier to assess when you need to set a boundary.

And if you suspect you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic person, Landseidel advises: “Take time and space every day to check in with yourself and slow down the pace of your relationship. Use this time to check in with your needs and practice self-care.” He also says that the number-one tactic a narcissistic person uses is fast pacing. In this way, they “sweep you off your feet” — in other words, they knock you off course of your relationship with yourself and others. As a result, this keeps you in the momentum of meeting their needs, but at the cost of your own needs and desires.

Now, if it’s hard for you to know what you need, let’s move into the second habit Dr. Freeman suggests, which is to switch from people-pleasing to authenticity. 

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Second, Switch From People-Pleasing to Authenticity

The second thing Dr. Freeman suggests changing has to do with people-pleasing. Many HSPs report struggling with this and feel like they don’t really know who they are or what they want. One reason this is such a challenge for HSPs is that many of us were invalidated for our big feelings and high sensitivity as children.

As a result, we may form this deep-seated belief that our true feelings are “wrong” or problematic, which can contribute to decreased self-trust and low self-esteem. If we’re walking around feeling unsure of ourselves, it can feel much easier to just go along with what other people want rather than sharing what we want.

According to Dr. Freeman, “When our value of ourselves is low — we look outside of ourselves to get an idea of our worth. In order to try to be liked and receive a ‘good’ assessment and avoid criticism and pain, a pattern of being extremely nice, helpful, and self-sacrificing is developed.”

The good news is, we can overcome the habit of people-pleasing by learning to strengthen our self-trust, which allows us to step into our authenticity.

Landsiedel explains why being authentic helps us repel narcissistic people. He says, “Authenticity leads to greater self-awareness, and greater self-awareness will keep you resistant to gaslighting [a form of manipulation causing you to question your sanity or version of reality], love bombing, and other behaviors narcissists exhibit…” He goes on to say that, when we’re authentic, we refuse to place our own needs above those of a narcissistic person.

Here are a few tips I’ve learned to switch from people-pleasing to authenticity:

• Practice stating your opinion. When someone asks what you’d like to do for dinner, maybe you’re used to saying, “I don’t care. Whatever you want!” Instead, practice having an opinion in this situation. This is a great way to show yourself, and others, that you do have a say in things. You can start with dinner and then expand to other things, too.
• Slow down and get in touch with yourself. A great way to get connected with your authentic self is by slowing down. If you’re always rushing around, you don’t have time to connect with who you are and what matters to you. (Plus, we HSPs don’t do well with too much stimulation!) Practicing guided meditation is a great way to connect deeply to yourself. For example, this is a great cord-cutting meditation for reconnecting to your own energy!
• Learn to sit with discomfort. Oftentimes, we HSPs people-please and agree with others because we’re afraid of conflict. However, every time we ignore our needs for what someone else wants, we build resentment. Speaking our needs and setting boundaries will likely be uncomfortable, but it’s important to remember that we can survive that discomfort!

The more we step into our authenticity, the more grounded we are in who we are and what matters to us. When we’re navigating life from this space, we’re less likely to accept behavior that doesn’t align with us. Thus, making us a difficult “target” for a narcissistic person.

Leveling Up Your Empathy

If you put these two habits into practice, you’ll already have closed off two of the three avenues by which narcissists can invade your life. If you’re worried about that third one, however — your empathy — don’t be.

Because, surprisingly, once you make those two healthy changes, your empathy will no longer be an open door for anyone and everyone to walk over you. Instead, it will be a source of strength.

“Rather than focus on reducing empathy (which I’m not sure how someone could do anyway),” Dr. Freeman says, “put efforts toward the protection of your empathy.”

That’s because empathy, paired with good boundaries and authenticity, starts to develop into a mature sense of compassion. Compassion, unlike empathy, also involves a desire to help. And that’s only possible when you know your own limits and needs and build your offers of support to others around what’s realistic for you to give.

For example, with good boundaries and authenticity, you can provide support to a friend in need without depleting yourself in the process. Because when you’re in touch with yourself, you’ll know when it’s time to recharge your own batteries and you’ll respect yourself enough to actually do that.

It’s important to remember that as HSPs, we can do our part to feel protected and in control of our experience. Feeling like we’re constantly susceptible to narcissists is disempowering, but knowing there are ways to combat this is a way to step back into our power and take ownership over our lives.

If you need more help learning to set boundaries, grab my mini-course, The HSP Boundary Bundle!

Want to get one-on-one help from a trained therapist? We’ve personally used and recommend BetterHelp for therapy with real benefits for HSPs. It’s private, affordable, and takes place online. BONUS: As a Sensitive Refuge reader, you get 10% off your first month. Click here to learn more.

We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

You might like:

• What to Do When You’ve Attracted a Narcissist, According to a Therapist
• Do Highly Sensitive People Attract Narcissists?
• How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse as an HSP

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post These 2 Traits Can Make HSPs (Almost) Immune to Narcissists appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Note: hypersensitivity refers to several different conditions in medical literature. This article is about emotional hypersensitivity and mental health.

I’ve wondered if I was hypersensitive my entire life.           

Whether it was because I’d cried easily, asked someone to dim the bright lights, or changed my clothes dozens of times in one day to be more comfortable, I was often told that I was “hypersensitive.”

Before I knew better, I kind of agreed with them. I noticed I really did react to things more strongly than other people. I didn’t see anyone else being so particular, or emotional, or passionate. I thought, That must mean I’m hypersensitive, right? 

Yet “hypersensitive” has a specific meaning in psychology — and it doesn’t match me (or most sensitive people) at all. For example, I may have big feelings, but I don’t express them in extreme or harmful ways. And while my sensitive nature isn’t always easy, it doesn’t ruin my life or my relationships the way it would if I were textbook “hypersensitive.” That’s because most people who come across as emotionally sensitive have a healthy trait known as high sensitivity. And, despite the similar-sounding names, “hypersensitivity” and “high sensitivity” are nearly opposites. 

Here’s how they work. 

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What Is Emotional Hypersensitivity?

Although we all have big emotions that get away from us at times, emotional hypersensitivity is different — it can be described as a lack of emotional resilience tied to low self-esteem. When someone is emotionally hypersensitive, they’re unable to manage their emotions and often feel attacked. They have delicate feelings and usually haven’t developed coping skills for dealing with those feelings. When triggered, even in the smallest way, they’re more likely to react in unhealthy, and often extreme, ways.

For instance, someone may point out a minor mistake they made in a work report. Instead of feeling temporary embarrassment, they may break down weeping, start yelling, or get defensive — or all three. Chances are good that you’ve dealt with someone who has these kinds of extreme, inappropriate reactions — and you know they’re not easy to be around.

It happens for a reason. Research shows that, oftentimes, hypersensitive people have endured negative or traumatic life experiences that they never fully processed. Maybe they were bullied, abused (emotionally or physically), or caught in the middle of their parent’s difficult divorce. Whatever the case may be, they try to repress their emotions as a result of these experiences. However, with repressed emotions comes repercussions — and the emotions then explode after having been bottled up for so long. The good news is hypersensitivity is something that can be addressed and healed through therapy.

Insecurity and low self-esteem tend to be an issue for hypersensitive people, as well. Since they haven’t developed a more robust emotional skill set, they’re easily offended by others because they have difficulty recognizing other people’s intentions. For example, someone could make a harmless comment without any intention of criticizing them — like, “You could use more white there,” if they’re painting a picture of cloudy sky. But they may take this very personally, feeling defensive and attacked, as though their painting is not good enough. They may even haphazardly splash paint all over the canvas, ruining the painting, or throw it across the room.

Hypersensitivity can lead to profoundly unhealthy behavior. Hypersensitive people make use of harmful tools, such as emotional blackmail, verbal aggression, and gaslighting. All of this is to protect their wounded inner ego, and soothes them by giving a certain sense of superiority.

After learning the definition of hypersensitivity, I recognized that, while I had some areas of my life where I wasn’t as emotionally developed as others, I wasn’t hypersensitive. The times I cried easily or reacted strongly didn’t occur because I was emotionally unstable, but because I was highly sensitive.

What Is High Sensitivity?

High sensitivity, on the other hand, is a biological predisposition that occurs in around 20 percent of the population. A highly sensitive person (HSP) is someone who’s more aware of subtleties in their environment because of the way their brain processes and reflects on information more deeply. Research has found that HSPs have stronger activation in regions of the brain involved with empathy, awareness, and self-other processing.

People who are highly sensitive notice and are affected by things that less-sensitive people might miss. For example, HSPs are more likely to notice an itchy tag in their shirt, a strange smell, or the slightest shift in someone’s facial expression. They tend to be incredibly observant and, often, quite emotionally intelligent since they’re able to pick up on the smallest of cues.

Yet people who embody the trait of high sensitivity are also prone to becoming overwhelmed more easily, simply because they’re processing so much at all times. When their environment becomes intense, chaotic, or even a little too loud, they may find themselves feeling overstimulated. It’s important to note that this state of overstimulation occurs because of their sensitive nervous systems, not because they’re “weak” or “too sensitive.”  

As a highly sensitive person myself, I notice that I react emotionally when I’m feeling overwhelmed. If I’ve had a busy day with very little downtime, I may find myself getting impatient and frustrated. I don’t act in this way because I’m hypersensitive, but because, biologically, I’m highly sensitive. As an HSP, I feel exhausted — and mentally and emotionally flooded — when I’ve been overstimulated for too long. I then want nothing more than to seek refuge in my HSP sanctuary, a calm, quiet place I can retreat to at the end of the day.

If you’re starting to think you might be an HSP yourself, here’s how to find out if you are a highly sensitive person. 

The Difference Between ‘Hypersensitive’ and ‘Highly Sensitive’ 

Some of us who are actually highly sensitive may have been told we were hypersensitive. These two terms are often used interchangeably, and most people don’t even realize there’s a difference. 

In a nutshell:

A highly sensitive person has strong emotions but typically expresses them in a healthy way, and shows deep concern for others. A hypersensitive person may exhibit unpredictable and inappropriate emotional reactions, sometimes to the point of causing harm. 

Why do two similar traits end up with such opposite outcomes? Researchers say the difference lies in the reason why those feelings are so strong.

“Hypersensitive people often have unhealed emotional triggers that cause them to erupt with anger or other reactive emotions,” Judith Orloff MD, author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, tells Highly Sensitive Refuge.  “Highly sensitive people, on the other hand, have very fine sensibilities and don’t typically dump anger on other people — because it will also burn them out.” 

For example, let’s say a contentious topic comes up in a work meeting — your hypersensitive coworker didn’t get a new account they wanted. Instead of accepting the news, they have an extreme, out-of-proportion reaction. They scream at the boss and everyone in the room. They may even overturn a chair or abruptly exit, slamming the door behind them.

However, if a highly sensitive person was the one who didn’t get the new account, they’d react differently, digesting the news in a calm manner. Sure, they’d probably be disappointed and think deeply about it — maybe they’d even excuse themselves to cry — but they wouldn’t be irrational in their reaction. In fact, because of their empathetic nature, they’d be considerate of others’ feelings. They might even feel sincerely good for whoever did get the account — and commiserate with others who also missed out.

Overall, hypersensitive people are emotionally reactive as a trauma response to their life experiences — the “nurture” end of the equation. As a result, they have trouble managing their emotions and tend to be insecure, so they act in ways that make them feel “protected” from others. 

Highly sensitive people, on the other hand, are biologically wired to be deeply empathetic — the “nature” end of the equation. HSPs are often reacting emotionally because of the way they’re processing information and relating to other people, and absorbing others’ emotions as though they’re their own. This is part of what makes them great listeners and someone others often confide in. HSPs also have rich, complex, inner worlds. If you’re the type of person who thinks deeply, has a vivid imagination, and abhors violence and cruelty of any kind, you may be an HSP.

In essence, while hypersensitive people are easily offended, highly sensitive people are able to discern whether a person is being genuine. The trait of high sensitivity is marked by one’s depth of processing of their environment — including emotional cues — whereas hypersensitivity is marked by emotional fragility and reactivity.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

Is it possible to be both hypersensitive and highly sensitive?

Yes. After all, one comes from nature and the other comes from nurture, and both play a role in any person’s development. 

If you see yourself as potentially being hypersensitive, I encourage you to start exploring your “big” reactions with self-compassion. Consider the ways stress, grief, loss, or trauma may be affecting your life. Remember, it’s not your fault, and it’s normal to have disruptive emotions or behaviors in response to trauma. It can be helpful to talk with a therapist or other professional who has experience helping people heal from hypersensitivity. 

Embracing Your High Sensitivity for the Gift It Is

If you’re a highly sensitive person, it may feel challenging at times to manage your sensitive trait. You may feel like you have to work a little harder than others to feel calm, happy, and safe. And, at times, you may feel misunderstood by others, like you don’t quite fit in.

However, just because you’re highly sensitive doesn’t mean you’re automatically hypersensitive, too. Being highly sensitive simply means you’re biologically predisposed to being more perceptive, empathetic, and intuitive. It means you feel deeply and care deeply. You experience life in a rich way.

While we may live in a society that doesn’t always fully support our sensitivity, you can be certain that being an HSP is a gift: we serve a special purpose here. Highly sensitive people are unique, caring souls that make the world a more beautiful and compassionate place.

You might like:

• The Difference Between Introverts, Empaths, and Highly Sensitive People
• What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect 
• The Difference Between the Highly Sensitive Brain and the ‘Typical’ Brain

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post The Difference Between Hypersensitivity and High Sensitivity appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are a rare and wonderful breed of humans who make up around 20 percent of the population (or more). We’re intuitive, deep-feeling, and incredibly conscientious. If you’re an HSP, or if you have one in your life, consider yourself blessed!

(Are you an HSP? Here are 21 signs that you’re a highly sensitive person.)

Since HSPs make up only a fairly small percentage of society, most people around us will be less sensitive than we are. Because of this, we tend to feel misunderstood by them. At one time or another, many of us HSPs have felt like we needed to change in order to “fit in.”

However, we were created highly sensitive for a reason. The last thing we should try to do is change who we are. Instead, it’s important that we inform the non-HSPs in our lives about our unique high sensitivity trait and how that affects us. Advocating for ourselves and our needs is part of being an empowered, confident HSP.

Below are eight things you should never do to a highly sensitive person. If you’re an HSP yourself, you’ll probably find yourself nodding your head with most of the items on the list!

8 Things You Should Never Do to a Highly Sensitive Person

1. Tell us to “stop being so sensitive”

If you’re a highly sensitive person, you’ve probably been told “stop being so sensitive” at least once (or a hundred times) in your life. 

Maybe someone poked fun at you and it hurt your feelings. “Oh, it was a joke,” they tell you. “Stop being so sensitive!”

Maybe someone spoke to you harshly and it upset you. “You’re too sensitive. Stop taking everything so personally,” they say.

Maybe you started crying during an argument. “Geez, quit being so sensitive!” they tell you.

Many of us highly sensitive people get used to hearing that we’re “too sensitive,” so we internalize this belief about ourselves. We begin thinking it’s a bad thing; something that needs to be changed about us. However, being an HSP means sensitivity is innately part of you. That means that you really couldn’t stop being sensitive if you tried!

So when people tell HSPs to “stop being so sensitive” it’s not only unhelpful, it’s hurtful. Sensitivity is a beautiful trait. While there are challenges that come with it, there are also many gifts, like our enhanced intuition, ability to notice small details, and the way we see patterns that others often miss. The last thing we HSPs should do is hide who we truly are.

2. Pile too many projects onto us at once

If there’s one way to stress out an HSP, it’s to give us too much to do at once. Highly sensitive people have a tendency to get overwhelmed because of the unique way our brains and nervous systems work. We get overstimulated when we have too much happening at once, which can result in anxiety, stress, and overwhelm.

However, since HSPs have the ability to focus more deeply than others, this means we perform much better when we’re able to focus on one task at a time. Of course, HSPs have the ability to multitask, but it’s more supportive for our nervous systems when we can take things slowly and intentionally. The more stimuli, the more our sensitive souls go into overdrive.

As highly sensitive people, it’s important we know the way our systems work so we can advocate for ourselves. While we may hope our boss understands that we can’t do too many projects, it’s ultimately up to us to let them know. So if you’re feeling overloaded by too many projects, speak up and be realistic about what you can actually manage.

3. Dismiss us and our feelings

Highly sensitive people have a desire to connect deeply with other people. This may look like having meaningful conversations, talking openly about our feelings, and sharing vulnerably. For example, I may share that I’m feeling nervous about an upcoming job interview. The quickest way for an HSP to feel closed off and disconnected, however, is when our feelings have been dismissed, like if someone responded to my job interview nerves, saying, “Oh, quit worrying about it!”

For many HSPs, it can take a lot for us to feel comfortable opening up to someone else. We’re genuine, heartfelt, and the type of person who really means what we say. If we open up to someone, only to have our feelings dismissed, we may feel scared to open up again. So if an HSP trusts you with their heart, don’t take that lightly!

4. Rush us (it will only overstimulate us more)

Along with having too many things to do at once, rushing an HSP is another way to stress us out quickly. When highly sensitive people are under pressure, we get flooded with emotions and overwhelm. If someone is rushing us, it can be hard for us to think straight or perform tasks in the way we’d like to because our nervous systems are overstimulated.

Over the years, I’ve learned that I must give myself plenty of extra time to ease into tasks. When I give myself more time, I can approach whatever I’m doing in a calm, centered manner instead of in a chaotic, frantic way. This even looks like waking up extra early so I can slowly enjoy my coffee, meditation, and journaling before I start my work day. (By the way, mindfulness and journaling are great ways to calm down and center a highly sensitive soul.) 

For HSPs, creating extra pockets of space in our lives does wonders for our nervous systems. While it’s inevitable that we’ll be under a time crunch sometimes, the less often we feel like we’re being rushed around, the better we’ll feel.

5. Take advantage of our kindness

Highly sensitive people tend to be kind, heart-centered individuals. We are naturally more empathetic than most, which often makes us the type to put other people’s needs before our own. If we don’t have solid boundaries in place — which can be a challenge for HSPs — we risk people taking advantage of our kindness.

Before I understood my self-worth, I allowed people to take advantage of my kindness because I wanted to be liked. I ended up feeling like a doormat, though, because I was always giving more to others than they were to me. I didn’t have any boundaries and, deep down, I didn’t believe I was worthy of being treated with respect.

For highly sensitive people, having good boundaries and a solid level of self-respect are important for us to truly thrive. If we’re finding our worthiness in other people liking us, it can be easy for others to take advantage of our kind, loving hearts.

6. Lie to us

If you think you’ll get away with lying to an HSP, think again! Highly sensitive people tend to be quite intuitive. We are experts at picking up on others’ body language and notice small details, like the changes in someone’s facial expression or the way they shift in their seat. It’s easy for us to pick up on social and emotional cues, making us excellent at reading people. In other words, HSPs are almost like human lie detectors! 

On top of that, HSPs are usually incredibly genuine and appreciate meaningful connections with other people, where we can talk about everything from our greatest fears to our loftiest dreams. This means we will sniff out anything fake or inauthentic pretty quickly, like if someone is pretending to be interested in us, but never actually asks us any questions about ourselves. Keep it real with the HSPs in your life and you’ll have amazing friends in your corner.

7. Expect us to act like a non-HSP

Highly sensitive people become overstimulated by things that don’t bother non-HSPs. For instance, an itchy tag in our clothing or an annoying sound in the attic can drive us crazy. Whether we like it or not, we’re always picking up subtleties in our environments.

For non-HSPs, this can be confusing. For example, I must sleep with a fan running at night. If the room is completely silent, I’m extra alert to every sound in my vicinity, making it impossible for me to sleep. My husband, who is not an HSP, didn’t fully understand this at first. “Why do you always need the fan on?” he’d ask me.

The best thing we HSPs can do is inform the non-HSPs in our lives about our unique trait. After explaining to my husband why having the fan on was so important to me, he understood and respected my needs.

For HSPs, our sensitivity makes our life experience different than other people’s, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that we need to change it. As with other things in life, communication is key.

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8. Judge us for needing alone time

Recuperating from overstimulation is a must for highly sensitive people. (An HSP hangover is no fun!) Whether we’re extroverted or introverted, HSPs need more alone time than most. Being in a quiet space with ourselves allows us to calm our nervous systems and return to a centered place. We tend to be happiest when we have an HSP sanctuary that we can slip away to every now and again. During this time, we may meditate, nap, read a book… anything that helps us feel relaxed and less stimulated. When we have a space all our own to recharge, we feel safe and comfortable, and it allows us to show up better in our daily lives. And then we’ll feel like ourselves again.

Before I understood my high sensitivity trait, I’d allow myself to be swayed by friends who didn’t understand my need for alone time. “C’mon! Just come out with us,” my girlfriends would say to me in college. They thought it was strange that I actually wanted to spend a Saturday night by myself. But, for HSPs, having that time alone is nourishing and essential for us (even if it’s on a Saturday night). 

In order for us highly sensitive people to truly thrive, it’s important that we create a supportive environment for ourselves. While we can hope the non-HSPs around us can guess our needs, it isn’t realistic. Our experience is unique, remember? Since we only make up about one-fifth of the population, we can’t expect everyone around us to simply “get it.”

So, instead, let’s step into an empowered space and be forthcoming about what we need. Let’s be unapologetic about our special sensitivity trait and lead the way with love. When we take our happiness and well-being into our own hands, everyone wins.

If you want to feel more empowered and confident, check out my membership program for HSPs! Click here to learn more.

You might like:   

• How to Explain High Sensitivity to People Who Don’t ‘Get’ It
• 10 Things I Never Realized I Do Because I’m an HSP
• Here’s How Being Highly Sensitive Can Make You Stronger, Not Weaker

The post 8 Things You Should Never Do to a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Empaths experience the world in a unique way: we feel deeply, we love deeply, and we care deeply. There’s no way for us to “turn off” our feelings or “care about things less” (even though many of us probably grew up hearing we should be able to).

What’s beautiful about empaths is the way we care so much; what’s powerful about us is the way we feel the emotions of others; and what makes us amazing friends, leaders, and partners is our ability to empathize with others on a deep level.

Many highly sensitive people (HSPs) are also empaths — but there are also some differences between empaths and HSPs. For instance, being empathetic is just one of the four traits that makes someone an HSP, and aside from emotions, HSPs are affected by many kinds of stimuli. So while most people who identify as empaths are probably HSPs, not all HSPs are necessarily empaths.

Because empaths experience life differently than their less-sensitive counterparts, what we need to live life to the fullest looks a little different, too. If you consider yourself an empath, as well, you may agree that the following 14 items are must-haves for us.

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14 Things Empaths Cannot Live Without

1. Time in solitude to get grounded and reconnect with yourself.

Empaths sense other people’s energy and emotions, which is a total superpower. But when empaths are in social settings for a prolonged period of time, they can end up feeling exhausted from feeling everyone’s energy. Similar to HSPs, empaths can get mentally and emotionally flooded. 

That’s not to say empaths should avoid people, but it does mean you should carve out time to be alone. You need that time to get grounded, shake off other people’s energy, and reconnect with yourself.

2. Plenty of rest, whether that means naps or making sure to sleep enough each night.

Because most empaths are also HSPs, this means that, throughout the day, they’re not only picking up on other people’s energy, they’re also picking up all the other subtleties in their environment, from the lighting to the scent of lavender in the room (that no one may notice except for them). 

All of this is taxing to their nervous system, which can result in overstimulation, in addition to mental and physical exhaustion. 

So this is where sleep comes in — it’s a healing elixir for empaths, as well as for highly sensitive people. It’s a vital time for us to turn off our highly active minds and recharge, whether it means taking a nap during the day or practicing good sleep hygiene, making sure to go to bed and get up at the same time each day.

3. Safe, supportive, and loving relationships.

Unfortunately, many empaths are prone to codependent relationships due to their empathetic and caring nature. They’re often the type to see the best in others and overlook warning signs in hopes of being the helper the other person needs. While it’s admirable to help others, it can become toxic when it’s at the expense of their own well-being. 

With that being said, healthy relationships are incredibly important for those of us who are empathic: When we’re partnered with someone who values us, someone we can trust and rely on, we have the opportunity to flourish. 

And anyone who’s in a relationship with an empath gets the benefit of our big hearts and kind, gentle souls.

4. A spiritual practice, like mindfulness or meditation, to connect more deeply to your intuition.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were thinking about someone, and then they called? Or maybe you had a gut feeling about something that turned out to be true? 

These moments are examples of intuitive hits. While everyone has the ability to tap into their intuition, we empaths tend to be more tapped in because of the way we naturally pick up on energy.

For many empaths, having a spiritual practice like mindfulness or meditation is as important as an exercise routine. Having faith in yourself and a higher power takes practice; it’s a muscle you can strengthen. 

Having a spiritual practice is also a way for you to connect deeper to your intuition, feel spiritually supported, and reduce feelings of stress and anxiety, research shows. 

5. Time in nature, whether it’s taking a walk or sitting in a park.

Sometimes there’s nothing more refreshing than going for a walk on a crisp, fall day, or going to sit in a local park and taking in your surroundings, from the birds to the trees. Especially for empaths, nature is healing. It’s a way for you to escape the bombardment of energy, noise, and stimulation around you. 

Nature is also a place for empaths to reconnect with themselves and with Mother Earth. It’s grounding, calming, and good for our sensitive souls.

As Dr. Judith Orloff, author of The Empath’s Survival Guide, wrote in a Psychology Today article, “The beauty and health of the Earth nourishes and sustains you.” I couldn’t agree more. 

6. An environment you love indoors, too.

Having a space that’s clean, inspiring, and calming is important for empaths; a messy, disorganized home can make us feel chaotic and overwhelmed internally.

Since we empaths are already taking on so much, our environment should be a space that relaxes our nervous system, nurtures us, and gives us positive energy.

Even simple updates, like adding more plants, fragrant candles, or a Himalayan salt lamp, can do wonders for creating a more calming space.

Want to reduce stress and thrive as an empath? We recommend these online courses from psychotherapist and sensitivity expert Julie Bjelland. Click here to learn more.

7. A community of fellow empaths.

Being an empath is a unique experience and one that can be difficult for others to understand. When empaths are in community with one another, they can lean on each other for support, guidance, and mutual understanding. It’s empowering to know that we have other people who just “get” us.

Whether we find these people through friends, family members, or online groups (like Highly Sensitive Refuge on Facebook), there are plenty of ways to connect with fellow empaths.

8. A sense of purpose, whether it’s leading a movement or becoming a parent.

In the opening credits of the Don’t Keep Your Day Job podcast, Cathy Heller says, “The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s purpose.” 

Having a purpose gives us a reason to look forward to waking up every morning. It fills our lives with more fulfillment; more color; more joy. Empaths are deep-feeling beings, and we crave meaning in our lives. 

Having a purpose — whether it’s leading a movement, owning a flower shop, or being a mom — is essential to an empath’s happiness.

9. Creative expression, like redecorating a space or cooking a new meal.

Creativity is an innate part of us and a way for empaths to release pent-up emotions, share a piece of their soul, and add beauty to the world. 

And creative expression isn’t limited to creating art in the traditional sense. It can also be redecorating a space, cooking a new meal, or landscaping your yard. (The possibilities are only limited to our imaginations!)

Being creative is also healthy: it’s an amazing way to express our feelings, reduce stress, and get into a state of flow. 

10. Maintaining diligent self-care habits so you don’t get burned out.

Since empaths can sense other people’s feelings, they know when something’s off and want to make it better.

However, if they’re always caring for others, their own self-care can be neglected. That’s a problem!

Having a diligent self-care practice is essential to an empath’s happiness. When they aren’t taking good care of themselves, they’re at risk for burning out. Self-care comes in all forms. It can look like having healthy boundaries, having ample time to relax, and knowing when you need a day to yourself.

11. Daily movement of some sort, from yoga to going for a walk.

Research has found that exercise isn’t just important for a healthy body, but it’s also important for a healthy mind. It can do everything from improving your memory to lowering your stress.

With empaths being so connected to the emotions of others, our minds get easily overwhelmed. 

So one of the best ways to get rid of that excess energy is by moving the body. Whether it’s a slow yoga flow, a brisk walk, or an intense workout, movement of some sort is an important way for empaths to feel more clear and connected to their own energy.

12. Sticking to a balanced and healthy diet.

Similar to exercise, a healthy diet is essential for a healthy mind. For us empaths, I’d say it’s a non-negotiable. 

When empathic people drink too much caffeine, for example, they risk overstimulating their already-sensitive nervous system. Overstimulation is what causes feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, and stress. Sugar, too, can have a bigger negative impact for empaths, contributing to feelings of anxiousness and moodiness.

While it may not always be fun to eat carrots instead of Cheetos, your empathic body will be happier and more grounded as a result.

13. Space in your schedule (vs. back-to-back meetings or events).

We empaths do best when we have plenty of space in our schedule.

Space is important so we have the opportunity to recharge and reconnect with ourselves. It allows us breathing room so we can continue to show up in our best form.

Otherwise, we have a tendency to feel overwhelmed and stressed when we’re running from one meeting or event to the next. 

14. A go-to grounding technique, like putting your bare feet in the grass.

In my opinion, having a grounding practice is, arguably, one of the things an empath needs most — and is often overlooked.

It’s essential for empaths because it brings us back to the present moment and returns us to a relaxed state. 

Some examples of grounding techniques are: putting bare feet on the earth, breathing deeply, or going for a mindful walk.

You might like:

• 13 Signs That You’re an Empath
• The Difference Between Introverts, Empaths, and Highly Sensitive People
• Why Highly Sensitive People Absorb Other People’s Emotions

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The post 14 Things Empaths Absolutely Need to Thrive appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

I felt anxious and embarrassed as I squirmed in the rough office chair.

Moments earlier, our VP, with his steel, unfeeling eyes, had shifted his gaze directly to me. With the flip of his hand, he’d asked me an impossible question. My stomach sank as I realized, in front of everyone’s watchful eyes, I had no idea how to answer him.

I tried my best to look confident, “I’m not totally sure about the answer to that, but I will look into it after this meeting and let you know!”

He wasn’t amused. “You all need to be more prepared for these meetings. When I ask you a question, I need you to know the answer,” he said with a snort.

I was ready to throw up. My desk mate, a frequent target of his, leaned over and whispered, “Oh, don’t worry about him. He’s always like that! Don’t take it personally.”

But, as a highly sensitive person (HSP), I did take it personally. Not only does my external environment really affect me, but so, too, does criticism.

And because we HSPs tend to be perceptive and conscientious — always giving things our all — when I do make a mistake, I feel deeply that I let others down.

Still, as much as I can “blame” my high sensitivity, I don’t think it’s at fault: We sensitive types don’t need to be fixed. Society does.

It’s Time to See the Value that Sensitive People Bring

Saying “Don’t take it personally” or “Don’t be so sensitive” is like telling a tall person to quit being tall. It’s just part of us. It’s part of our genetic makeup. It’s part of our nature. We are wired to care. We are wired to think deeply. We are wired to be more sensitive.

In fact, about 20 percent of the population is made up of HSPs, an unofficial club I’m proud to be a member of. It’s not a disorder or liability; in fact, I feel it’s the complete opposite. 

The way highly sensitive people think and care deeply is a gift. And it has the ability to make the world a better, more harmonious place. You see, HSPs tend to be some of the most respectful and committed people you’ll ever meet — and we could use more of them.

But I hadn’t yet realized that back when that steel-eyed VP was pummeling me with questions. In retrospect, however, I can see how much value my sensitivity brought to such a cutthroat environment.

For instance, we make sure the people around us feel comfortable and happy — and this comes easily since we tend to absorb others’ emotions as our own. We’re also usually great at being on time and keeping our word, as well as care about doing good work and being supportive, collaborative teammates.

And one of the superpowers of HSPs is our ability to be deeply empathetic. Putting ourselves in other people’s shoes and relating to them on a deep level comes naturally to us. As our society grows more divided and disconnected, the ability to connect and empathize with others only becomes more valuable.

Sensitivity Is a Cure for a Toxic Society

As it stands today, society — at least Western society — does not seem designed to nurture, value, or highlight the gifts of the highly sensitive person. In fact, I’d venture to say that society and its current value system are in a toxic relationship with one another.

Our society likes to reward people who hustle and grind and function on little-to-no sleep, research shows, as well as values people with thick skin and leaders who are dominant, intimidating, and aggressive. 

But these values are toxic because they perpetuate feelings of division, anxiety, and loneliness. And with the number of people experiencing depression on the rise — COVID-19 has tripled the rate of depression in all demographic groups — it’s critical that we shift into a healthier direction.

That healthier direction includes more of the values that highly sensitive people bring to the table. We desperately need more appreciation for beauty, connection, and empathy. If we want this type of society, we need changes made to our current system.

In a society that embraces sensitivity, perhaps my former boss would have welcomed my suggestion that I’d look into the answer to his question instead of what felt like berating me in front of my coworkers. He also may have extended some sympathy or empathy, cognizant of my work ethic and the fact that none of us have the answers all the time.

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Societal Changes Would Start With Our Youngest Members of Society

But, for societal changes to take place in the workplace, I think they need to start among people both at home and in school. That way, by the time people join the workforce — again, like my former boss — they are equipped with the right mental tools in how they treat others, whether they’re highly sensitive or not.

So, to start, we need to empower our highly sensitive children to embrace and love their sensitive traits. We need to encourage children to feel their feelings instead of telling them to “stop crying” or “toughen up” or reciting phrases like “don’t be so sensitive.” 

When a child has permission to fully embrace all their emotions, experts say, they learn to actually name the way they feel rather than stuffing their feelings down. This is essential to building healthy coping and self-soothing skills.

For example, when we see our children feeling deeply moved by a sad story, or animal cruelty, or a classmate being bullied, it’s important we highlight how beautiful it is that they care so much. Yes, these situations may trigger tears in the child, but they should not be punished or made fun of for this behavior. 

Instead, we want them to see that feeling emotional and aware about wrongdoing is a powerful gift. When these gifts are nurtured, we build a pathway for these empathic, kind-hearted souls to grow up and become our future empathetic leaders one day.

And how about creativity? HSPs tend to be naturally creative, yet we often see creativity being squandered in the school system because of its perceived impracticality. In a society that values sensitivity, creative expression would be considered a necessity the same way math or history is. 

Giving people an outlet, a way to express themselves, is therapeutic. Art connects us. It moves us. To the sensitive person, it’s essential.

As Robin Williams’ character said in the movie Dead Poets Society, “We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race… poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”

What Would Society Look Like if it Honored Sensitivity?

In a world that honors sensitivity, we would have more of that poetry, beauty, romance, and love. We’d have more space in our days and less round-the-clock grinding. We’d take breaks throughout the workday to go for a walk, paint a picture, meditate, or simply practice mindfulness and sit in the grass and enjoy the fresh breeze. We’d honor and encourage everyone’s need for rest.

A society that honors sensitivity would have more equanimity. There’d be more listening, less interrupting. This doesn’t mean we’d have the same opinions on everything, but we’d handle them with more empathy and grace. 

So it’s time to give sensitive people a highly respected seat at the table. We need both HSPs and non-HSPs to have a healthy, balanced world. Instead of sensitive people being drowned out by louder, more aggressive types, their opinions must be valued. HSPs should be looked to for their emotional intelligence, intuition, and ability to problem-solve in creative ways.

That includes putting more highly sensitive people in leadership positions. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., Albert Einstein, and Rosa Parks were some of the greatest trailblazers in history and were all considered to have HSP traits. 

When we have more examples of sensitive leaders, we empower sensitive children to see themselves in these roles. We give them something to aspire to; to believe that, they too, can make a difference in the world.

A society that honors sensitivity wouldn’t be soft or weak. It would be stronger and more united. It would be filled with more beauty, balance, compassion, and collaboration. 

This type of society isn’t some far-off dream. We get closer to this type of world each time a sensitive person is told to be themselves, own their gifts, and stand confidently in their unique power. And, the more people notice this, the more they, too, have permission — so to speak — to be their authentic sensitive selves, too.  

If this article helped you, check out more of Alissa’s work at Life by Alissa, and join the waitlist to become a member of the Highly Sensitive & Soulful Membership!

You might like:

• Being an HSP Is a Superpower — But It’s Almost Impossible to Explain It
• Why Highly Sensitive People Make the Best Leaders
• 27 Things You Do Because You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

The post Sensitive People Don’t Need To Be Fixed. Society Does. appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.