When I asked our social media audience of over 200,000 highly sensitive people what it means to be sensitive, many of the responses were extremely positive. HSPs view their sensitivity as a superpower, and they gave examples of how it made them better friends, spouses, professionals, and leaders. For a lot of people, being sensitive is a gift.

But there was also a darker side that came out. For every response that emphasized the benefits of high sensitivity, there was one (or more) that talked about pain. And highly sensitive people, who process stimulation deeply, feel pain as keenly as a human soul can.

That doesn’t change the fact that being a highly sensitive person is normal and healthy — and there are definitely ways for HSPs to thrive. But the reality is, HSPs may feel the highs higher and the lows lower. And since HSPs are also pretty misunderstood by those around them, the result is that being sensitive can be both a blessing and a curse.

Here are 13 of the challenges HSPs described that come with being sensitive, and four rays of hope I’d like to offer based on HSPs who overcame that pain.

Noticing everything, weeping at the drop of a hat, feeling far too deeply… I get easily overwhelmed by those around me. It can be an avalanche.

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What Is the ‘Curse’ of Being Highly Sensitive?

Why exactly is being sensitive (sometimes) so hard? Here are answers from real highly sensitive people:

• “Being sensitive is like being a walking nerve ending.”
• “I’m only ever as relaxed as the most unrelaxed person in the room.”
• “I care way too much about what other people think and feel, and what they see if they look at me.”
• “The things I observe bring up unpleasant or painful feelings in others that they don’t want to feel… and because they don’t want to feel, they shame me for feeling.”
• “Noticing everything, weeping at the drop of a hat, feeling far too deeply… I get easily overwhelmed by those around me, whether family, friends, or strangers out in public. It can be an avalanche.”
• “If I get asked for a favor and don’t want to do it, I start getting a bad stomachache. I get heavy breathing and anxiety.”
• “It used to mean I cried under stressful circumstances or from words that shouldn’t have hurt me. Now I realize it’s also the reason that I feel deeply for those in my life and what propels me to be kind to them, do things for them, and make sure they’re looked after.”
• “It means sensory overload and [being] so emotional.”
• “It does mean crying a lot (but with therapy I’ve gotten better) but it also means for me, when there’s a lot going on around me, it’s hard to concentrate; all I want is to be away from the stimuli. [And] I have a challenging time making new connections since most people like that noisy atmosphere to meet new friends, like bars or social events.”
• “A life of intensity… the good is really good, and the bad is really bad. There is very little middle ground.”
• “I feel embarrassed and like a horrible person because I’m forever asking people to turn the volume down, point the fan away from me, turn the temperature (up? down? more moderate, anyway), and rushing out of stores with room fragrances.”
• “I need a ‘life’ button to turn down.”
• “A life of emotional pain.”

These HSPs aren’t alone in how they feel. Many highly sensitive people struggle with similar pain points every single day — and for some, the world can seem harsh and simply “too much.” But we know that being a highly sensitive person is NOT a disorder, and that it can actually be an incredible source of strength and wellbeing. So how do you turn your sensitivity into a blessing rather than a curse?

How to Turn Your High Sensitivity into a ‘Blessing’

1. It actually does get better.

If you’re a younger highly sensitive person, you need to know that things will get better. Being sensitive is (usually) not as hard once you develop into your late 20s, 30s and beyond.

There are a lot of reasons why. Part of it is peer group — once you’re out of school, the people around you are a lot less likely to be openly cruel or mock you. Believe me, that’s a godsend.

And it takes time to develop the strategies you’ll use to manage your sensitivity. It does take management sometimes — and lots of self-care — and that’s okay! You’re a finely tuned instrument designed to sense and feel practically everything. It’s normal to get stressed, overwhelmed, and sometimes even crash…. and years of experience will teach you the ways to avoid or minimize that. I promise.

Also: parents are a thing. Many families are clueless about what to do with a highly sensitive person, and they have a huge role in your life even through your 20s. The results can range from simply unhelpful to outright emotional neglect.

2. It’s okay to back away from toxic people.

There may be no greater lesson a highly sensitive person can learn! HSPs can be natural targets for narcissists and bullies, because, according to psychologist Deborah Ward, they “are highly empathetic and care deeply about others, sympathizing with their troubles. They are sensitive to other people’s feelings and often feel the urge to help.”

And that’s a good trait, but it’s not healthy to allow it to be abused. Your happiness and wellbeing will change by orders of magnitude if you back away from toxic people. That doesn’t have to mean a dramatic “friend breakup” or even telling them you’re doing it. It simply means making a purposeful choice to spend less time with them.

Of course, this is easiest to do in social situations, and harder to do with your family or someone at work. Which brings me to….

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We receive compensation from BetterHelp when you use our referral link. We only recommend products we believe in.

3. Setting boundaries is a game-changer.

Often, highly sensitive people have a hard time saying no. After all, as extremely empathetic people, it really hurts to disappoint someone or let them down.

But setting boundaries is not a disappointment. Boundaries are not walls or dividers — they’re simply a list of what is okay (and not okay) with you. Effective boundary-setting comes down to two things: it’s clear and it’s compassionate yet firm. Both of these can seem daunting, but when you learn to do it, it can be effective even with a boss, relative, or someone else you know you have be around.

You can learn more about how to set boundaries as an HSP here.

4. Therapy is personal-growth rocket fuel for HSPs.

I’ve never met a group of people who seem to get more out of therapy — and enjoy it more — than highly sensitive people. Even the most well-adjusted HSP experiences strong emotions and overwhelm from time to time, and when you factor in that some HSPs are also prone to anxiety, therapy is a powerful tool.

Going to therapy is a sign of strength, not weakness. It’s taking control of your life and owning your personality, with all of its rare, wonderful, sensitive parts. In therapy, you can learn techniques to overcome shame and self-doubt, deal with criticism, and deal with “floods” of emotions — among many others. In fact, many HSPs are therapists themselves, including many of the authors on this site.

You might like:

• 5 Essential Things to Tell Your Therapist If You’re Highly Sensitive
• 20 Self-Care Ideas for Highly Sensitive People
• The Challenges of Being an HSP in a Relationship With a Non-HSP

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post The ‘Blessing’ and ‘Curse’ of Being a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Do you notice little details about your surroundings that others miss — especially details about the people around you? Do you quickly get overwhelmed when your to-do list is long, your weekend is busy, or when you spend time in a loud, bustling place? Do you reflect on your experiences deeply, and feel emotions in a big way?

If so, you might be a highly sensitive person (HSP). HSPs are the 20 percent of the population who process things more deeply than others. This stems from a difference in their brains and nervous systems.

What exactly makes HSPs different? Recent research has the answers. Let’s take a look at the four biggest differences.

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4 Differences in a Highly Sensitive Person’s Brain

1. Your brain responds to dopamine differently.

Dopamine is the brain’s reward chemical. Simply put, it drives you to want to do certain things, then gives you a sense of victory or pleasure when you do them.

Many of the genes involved in high sensitivity affect how your body uses dopamine — in ways we don’t yet fully understand. HSPs are likely less driven by external rewards than non-HSPs. Rewards are the “gold stickers” of life, for example, a job promotion, a paycheck, or inclusion into a social group. Similar to introverts, HSPs are simply not as excited by the things that many others chase.

This is part of what allows HSPs to hold back and be thoughtful and observant while they process information. It also likely prevents them from being drawn to the same highly stimulating situations that end up overwhelming them.

If you’re an HSP, and you just don’t find yourself very interested in a loud party or taking risks, you have your dopamine system to thank.

2. Your mirror neurons are more active.

Mirror neurons play a big role in the HSP brain. They help us understand what someone is doing or experiencing, based on their actions. Essentially, these brain cells compare the other person’s behavior with times you yourself have behaved that way, effectively “mirroring” them to figure out what’s going on for them.

That’s an important job for a lot of reasons, but one of the things it does in humans is allow us to feel empathy and compassion for others. When we recognize the pain (or joy) someone is going through and relate to it, it’s because of this system. More mirror neuron activity means a more empathetic person — like an HSP.

HSPs don’t necessarily have more mirror neurons than others, rather, their mirror neuron systems are more active. In 2014, functional brain imaging research found that HSPs had consistently higher levels of activity in key parts of the brain related to social and emotional processing. This higher level of activity kicked in even in tests involving strangers, meaning HSPs can easily extend compassion to people they don’t personally know. (The effect was still highest with loved ones, however).

As an HSP, these mirror neurons are both your superpower and, at times, more than a little inconvenient — like when you can’t watch the same TV show as everyone else because it’s too violent. But it’s also what makes you warm, caring, and insightful about what other people are going through.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. You really do experience emotions more vividly.

Hidden away in the front of the brain is a fascinating area called the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC). This area is hooked into several systems involving your emotions, your values, and processing sensory data. When we say that highly sensitive people process things more deeply than others, there’s a good chance it happens right here.

While the role of the vmPFC is not yet completely understood, it’s definitely associated with emotional regulation, and it enhances the things we experience with a certain emotional “vividness.” Everyone experiences life more vividly during emotional moments, not just HSPs, but high sensitivity is linked to a gene that increases this vividness, essentially turning up the dial. That gene allows emotional enhancement to have a much greater effect on the vmPFC as it processes experiences.

What does this mean for HSPs? Unlike mirror neurons, this emotional vividness isn’t necessarily social in nature. It’s all about how vividly you feel emotions inside you in response to what’s happening around you. So, if you seem to feel things stronger than other people do, it’s not just in your head (okay, it’s entirely in your head, but you know what I mean!). HSPs are finely tuned to pick up even subtle emotional cues and react to them.

4. Other people are the brightest things on your radar.

For less sensitive people, it’s easy to tune out other people. But for an HSP, almost everything about the brain is wired to notice and interpret others.

This is clear from the many other parts of the brain that get extra-active for HSPs in social situations. For example, the brain imaging study mentioned above also showed increased activity in the cingulate area and the insula — two areas that, together, may form our “seat of consciousness” and moment-to-moment awareness. For HSPs, these areas become far more active in response to images of other people, especially those exhibiting a relevant social or emotional cue.

In other words: Highly sensitive people actually become more alert, almost “more conscious,” in a social context. If you’re an HSP, other people are the brightest things on your radar.

The Gift of the Highly Sensitive Brain

There’s a lot that can be said about the gifts of the highly sensitive brain. It processes information on deep level, sees more connections, and cares and relates to others in a profound way.

But perhaps your most important gift as an HSP is the one designed to protect you. Your brain is fine-tuned to notice and interpret the behavior of everyone around you. If someone is bad news, you know it. If someone is not going to treat you right, you see it coming. If a situation isn’t right for you, you probably know that, too.

That’s vital, because HSPs need healthy environments and supportive loved ones to thrive — perhaps even more so than others.

If you’re an HSP, your brain may be the most powerful social machine in the known universe.

You might like:

• 21 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions
• You’re Not ‘Crazy,’ You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

The post The Difference Between the Highly Sensitive Brain and the ‘Typical’ Brain appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

They were kind, funny, even loving — when they wanted to be. They had big dreams and seemed to sweep you up in them. But things never, ever turned out the way they wanted them — nothing was ever good enough — and they would explode in confusing bouts of anger, blame, or self-loathing (which, of course, required you to soothe them).

Worse, if you brought any of this up and tried to address it, they couldn’t seem to see it, and only denied or rationalized what had happened. Your only option, it seemed, was to keep giving and giving until you were completely spent.

Sound familiar? If it does, you have probably had a narcissist in your life. Welcome to the club! (Unfortunately.)

And, sadly, for highly sensitive people (HSPs) it seems to be a pretty large club. Considering that less than one percent of people are pathological narcissists, you wouldn’t think HSPs are any more likely to run into them than anyone else. But what if sensitive people are particularly prone to a narcissist’s needy, controlling behavior?

Let’s explore what makes a narcissist a narcissist, why HSPs might be a natural target for them, and what you can do about it.

Narcissists Are a Highly Sensitive Person’s ‘Shadow Self’

Narcissists — people who live with narcissistic personality disorder — have an unconscious belief that they are superior to other people. With that comes a craving for attention, respect, and often wealth or fame, and an almost total lack of empathy for the needs of others. The result is an individual who will manipulate or use others in order to get what they want.

Being a highly sensitive person, on the other hand, is perfectly healthy, and has nothing to do with ego. Highly sensitive people have nervous systems that process all input very deeply, from sights and sounds to thoughts and emotions. They tend to be creative, thoughtful, and caring. They can also get overwhelmed easily, because all that processing leads to overstimulation.

So what do these two have in common? Well, almost nothing. And, in one key way, they’re almost perfect opposites: empathy.

You see, even though high sensitivity is primarily about how you process information, the reality is that most HSPs are extremely empathetic. In fact, the brain regions associated with empathy are much more active in HSPs than in non-HSPs, and HSPs in general tend to be giving, altruistic nurturers.

That makes the narcissist, who has almost no empathy, essentially the HSP’s “shadow self.”

Why Do Highly Sensitive People ‘Attract’ Narcissists?

Why would someone who is caring and empathetic want to be around someone who has no empathy at all? On the surface, they wouldn’t — but then, narcissists don’t exactly walk around holding a sign that says, “I Want to Use You.”

In fact, they do the opposite: Many narcissists learn to act charming, friendly, and flattering in order to mask their tendencies. (Importantly, this is mostly unconscious — like almost everything that makes someone a narcissist. Typically, they don’t know they’re doing it.) Many will even “love bomb” the people they want to get close to, building them up to feel good around the narcissist and, therefore, not run away. Like an addictive substance.

And anyone, HSP or not, can get hooked.

What makes HSPs different is that their own high level of empathy means they are drawn to helping and caring for others. And the narcissist has an endless need to be cared for: a need for attention, compliments, special favors, and — above all — constant reassurance. Plus, although they have very lofty dreams, nothing they do or achieve is ever good enough, so they’re frequently upset, disappointed, or even wildly angry. Isn’t there anyone who can treat them the way they deserve?

Yes, unfortunately; and all too often it’s an HSP, the person who keenly feels the pain of others and takes a true sense of satisfaction from helping. HSPs are often the first to try to console and comfort someone in need, and that puts them at risk of getting pulled into a narcissist’s trap.

This can quickly lead to a one-sided relationship where the narcissist gets all the benefits of an HSP’s patience, compassion, caring, and love — and often, countless hours of their time. The HSP, on the other hand, gets only more and more exhausted. They may face a barrage of freak-outs, pity parties, verbal abuse, and anger.

And, no matter how much they do, they will find out it’s not enough.

7 Ways to Protect Yourself from Narcissists

If you’ve found yourself pulled into this trap before — or if you’re recognizing a current relationship in this article — don’t blame yourself. The reason you got drawn in is because you’re a caring and giving person, not because you did anything wrong.

Blaming you and emotionally beating you down is the narcissist’s tool, and it’s one you have the power to give up by no longer accepting that blame.

You can, however, make changes in your own patterns to avoid narcissists in the future, or minimize the damage they can do. Here are seven tips to do just that.

1. Question volatile or troubling relationships.

One telltale feature of narcissists is that all of their relationships are troubled relationships. They will have a shaky time in friendships, romance, and any career or school situation where they need to work cooperatively with others.

Which means it’s a good idea to really examine any relationship in your life that seems volatile. You may not know if someone’s a narcissist, but you know if you have a fight with them every single week, or if you always feel stressed out after seeing them. Make it a habit to simply notice these relationships, label them for what they are, and ask yourself what you get out of them.

2. Ask your friends for perspective.

It can be hard to see through the charm of a narcissist who’s buttering you up, and surprisingly easy to make excuses for their outbursts or bad behavior. However, while you may have a hard time seeing it objectively, to your friends, it’s often plain as day.

There are caveats here, of course. Your friend might not have any meaningful insight if they haven’t seen you with the person firsthand, and of course, only friends whose judgment you trust will really be useful here. But, in general, getting an outside opinion (and listening to it, even if it’s hard to hear) can be a good way to check your own instincts about a person.

3. Expect the worst.

It may seem totally contrary to an HSP’s natural idealism, but one useful mental practice if you think someone’s a narcissist is to expect the worst.

It goes like this:

If this person is a narcissist, they don’t believe they’re doing anything wrong, and they’ll never change. So, what if their current behavior continues forever? Would I be okay with that? Would the relationship be worth it?

Seeing the worst-case future is often enough of a slap in the face to make it much, much easier to pull back from the relationship.

4. Pull away from narcissists as early on as possible.

Generally speaking, the right time to disconnect from a toxic person is as early on as possible. That’s especially true with a narcissist.

Why? At the start of a relationship, there’s little at stake, and it’s only a small part of your life. But narcissists demand all the attention you can give them. Within months or a year, they could be a main focus of your life — especially if they’re your partner.

It’s much, much easier to back away at the start than it is to disentangle later (although it’s never too late).

5. Practice setting clear, firm boundaries.

Narcissists hate boundaries, because the world is supposed to be about them, not anyone else — and boundaries force them to confront that it’s not. At the same time, firm boundaries allow you the space and emotional clarity you need to take care of your own needs.

The best way to set a boundary to say it clearly, directly, and as a fact, not a request. For example:

Not clear: “I’m really tired tonight. Is it okay if we do this a different time?”

Clear: “I’m not going to come over after 8 p.m. anymore, even if you’re stressed out. If you need to talk, we can set up a time on the weekend.”

Just be ready, because narcissists believe that every “no” can become a “yes” if they push hard enough. Don’t treat your boundary as something you’re willing to argue, and don’t make an exception. You can read more about setting boundaries here.

6. Get some emotional distance.

Narcissists can be infuriating, and they will bait you to argue with them, feel sorry for them, or try to help them. All of this just pulls you in further.

Simply learning about how narcissism works can help create distance (and make it easier to resist engaging). For example:

• Narcissists don’t actually realize what they’re doing, so there is no point in arguing with them — you will never win.
• They’re incapable of seeing their own flaws, so there is no way for you to help them or “fix” them. It’s something they have to come to on their own.
• Narcissistic personality disorder is an illness, and it’s likely been with them since adolescence. They aren’t going to change unless they get professional help.

7. Practice a different kind of compassion.

Something I find oddly comforting is that a narcissist’s behavior is motivated by — wait for it — extremely fragile self-esteem. Yep, all that self-aggrandizing is because they don’t love themselves.

And that makes them seem a lot less intimidating.

It’s also a way to feel compassion toward them without engaging. It must be tragically hard to go through life not loving oneself, and it means that nothing will ever truly bring them happiness. Understanding that can soften your heart, even as you pull back from them.

Disconnecting from a Narcissist May Be the Kindest Thing You Can Do

Ultimately, it’s rare for narcissists to admit they have a problem. But, when even the most caring people pull away from them, it can be a wake-up call. And, in rare cases, it may even be the push they need to finally seek help.

Back away from these people, HSPs. It might be the kindest thing you ever do — for you, and for the narcissist.

You might like:

• 7 ‘Rules’ for Highly Sensitive People to Protect Their Energy
• What Happens When an HSP Grows Up With Emotional Neglect?
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

The post Do Highly Sensitive People Attract Narcissists? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

You could be in a relationship with a highly sensitive person and not even know it — but you’ll definitely recognize some of the signs. Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are deeply thoughtful, often creative individuals who feel their emotions deeply. Roughly 30% of all people are highly sensitive, meaning they are wired at a brain level to process information deeply and respond more to their environment. That’s why they tend to be very attuned both to physical sensations (like textures and sounds) as well as the emotions and moods of others. You can think of HSPs as being more attuned to everything around them. They think deeply, feel strongly, and notice things that others miss.

(Read more about what it means to be a highly sensitive person.)

Loving an HSP can be breathtaking, but it’s also somewhat different from other types of relationships. So what does a highly sensitive person need in order to trust and love their partner? Here are 12 secrets that real HSPs wish their partner knew.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

What You Need to Know About Being in a Relationship With an HSP

1. Your HSP will notice (and feel) what you feel.

Sometimes people navigate life by telling white lies about their feelings. For example: “What’s wrong?” “Nothing, I’m fine.” These little fibs are meant to lubricate relationships by smoothing over the uncomfortable bits.

Highly sensitive people, however, can’t help but pick up on the subtle emotional cues that are often left unspoken — the tension in your voice, the slump in your shoulders, or your sudden avoidance of eye contact. HSPs don’t even do this consciously; they just process the signals and “absorb” what you’re feeling — and that means they feel it in their bodies, too. Your stress is their stress, and your suppressed anger can become their all-night worry session.

This can be hard, but it helps if you’re willing to talk openly about your emotions and, most of all, if you have (or teach yourself) good listening skills. When the HSP can talk about what they feel, and they know that it’s being heard and accepted, they’ll know they’ve got a keeper.

2. Give your HSP a little more time to adjust to changes.

Change can be hard for anyone, but HSPs process things more deeply than others do. That means that even positive changes, like starting a new relationship, can be really overwhelming. (If you’ve ever seen someone cry because of good news, they may have been highly sensitive.) As a result, HSPs take relationships slowly, especially at the beginning. Don’t be surprised if your HSP needs time to themselves or seems “lukewarm” at first. They’re doing what they’ve learned they need to do to protect their heart (and their stress level).

3. Choose your first movie carefully.

I think we all know that a slasher horror film isn’t a great first date movie unless you know the other person’s tastes well. But even with more mainstream movies, avoid anything likely to be super violent or gory (like most action films), because HSPs tend to “feel” the pain and emotions of those on the big screen. Some tasteful suspense is fine, but violence and cruelty often leave HSPs somewhere between upset and overwhelmed.

4. No more sneaking up!

It’s not cute to sneak up on an HSP and scare them — they have a high startle reflex. And no, they won’t laugh afterward. They’ll need minutes (or longer) to recover.

5. There will be times when you’re amazed.

All this talk about processing and stress — it has an upside. The same qualities that make it so hard to be an HSP translate to a rare gift that gets even stronger as life goes on. Dating an HSP means that every so often you’re just going to be blown away by the insights they come up with, or the beauty of something they create — seemingly out of nowhere. This is “the deal” with dating an HSP: Once they truly trust you, they share their brilliance as well as their vulnerability.

6. Sometimes they need time alone.

Some highly sensitive people are introverts. Some are extroverts. But all of them, even the most social and chatty, sometimes need to disappear on their own and be left alone. This is because stimulation of all kinds — social or otherwise — can quickly overwhelm an HSP’s senses, and they need time without stimulation to “come down.”

If you’re living together, your HSP may have a room that’s just theirs and ask you never to enter. If you live separately, they may seem to vanish for a few days (or an afternoon) to process. If you want your HSP to alert you when they have to do this, so you know what’s going on, you’ll have to be willing to respect them and not disrupt their alone time when they say they need it.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

7. They love being engaged on a deeper level.

Highly sensitive people process things deeply, so they’re usually thinking about the big things in life. That could be as personal as how a friendship is going to work out, or as cosmic as the future of humankind. Either way, HSPs want to move quickly beyond surface-level chitchat. Come with an open mind and willingness to talk big topics.

8. They know that most people don’t understand them.

Only about 15-20 percent of the population are HSPs. And much of the remaining 80+ percent has never even heard of high sensitivity. As a result, HSPs don’t just feel misunderstood — they are misunderstood. And they’re used to how most people handle it: by trying to pigeonhole them, stick a stereotype on them, or simply tell them there’s something wrong with them. If you take a different approach, like listening openly and trying to understand their experiences, you will stand out. And they’ll love you for it.

9. Never use these two labels.

HSPs are sick of being told that they’re “too sensitive” or even “shy.”

If you’re about to use these words, don’t. Give them time or let them tell you how they feel. Your highly sensitive person will appreciate you taking the time to understand.

10. Their environment affects them.

We all like some types of environments better than others. But an HSP’s system puts a lot more energy into processing the signals around them — be that noise, light, activity, or the presence of other people. That means that even a moderately “busy” space can quickly become all-consuming for an HSP’s system, and they may have to leave or face overwhelm and collapse.

For an HSP’s partner, that means three simple rules: Think about whether your HSP will enjoy a setting before you make a plan; give them plenty of advance warning if a venue is going to be loud, crowded, or busy; and be understanding and supportive if they say they have to leave — even if they were having fun just minutes ago.

11. Nothing takes a bigger toll than conflict.

Lots of people don’t like conflict. For an HSP, however, it’s more than that: Conflict is a major source of overwhelm. It’s a situation that demands fast, firm responses (sensory overload) while dumping emotional signals on them (emotional overload). Basically a one-two punch for high sensitivity. (This is related to why HSPs have a hard time dealing with criticism, which comes loaded with the potential for conflict.)

For better or for worse, many HSPs deal with this by going out of their way to keep their partner happy. This can become a problem, particularly when they don’t speak up for their own needs. If you’re dating an HSP, be aware of this tendency; help your partner feel safe to speak their mind, and look together for ways to manage conflict gently. Again, listening skills and creating safe space for honest, no-yelling discussion go a long way.

12. Nothing is sexier to an HSP than being accepted.

Let’s be real for a second. Most HSPs have had a long list of suitors who took zero minutes to understand them. These are people who saw the HSP’s creativity, their sensitivity, or their quirky personality and said, “I love that. That’s charming.” But these same people never took the time to say, “I also accept and love the side that has needs, the side that has to process, the side that feels things so deeply, the side that’s inconvenient when it gets overwhelmed.”

Those two sides are part of a single package. No HSP can have one without the other. And every HSP learns to avoid people who only want half of them.

If you can take the time to listen and accept your HSP — for their whole being — they will love you more deeply than you have ever been loved before. And if they can trust you when they’re overwhelmed, they will know they’ve found a soul mate.

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• 12 Reasons You Should Date a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Highly Sensitive People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships — And How to Stop
• 27 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re an HSP

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post 12 Secrets About Being in a Relationship With a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Do you frequently find yourself feeling overwhelmed in crowded public spaces? Does a fast-paced work schedule leave you far more jangled than your colleagues? Or, do you simply find busy restaurants too loud and stressful — even when everyone else is enjoying themselves?

If so, there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re far from alone — you might be a highly sensitive person (HSP). And your biology may be the reason you get overwhelmed when others do not.

Let’s look at the surprising science behind why sensitive people get overwhelmed — starting with what it means to be highly sensitive.

What Is a Highly Sensitive Person?

About 1 in 5 people are born with the trait of high sensitivity. That means that their nervous systems process information more deeply than those of other people. Being an HSP is a normal, healthy trait, and comes with advantages — but it also means the world is “turned up” for you, and can quickly become too much.

If you’re an HSP, you may notice things that others miss, see connections that others don’t make, or simply think about things very thoroughly. You may also have stronger reactions to “small” stimuli — like being bothered by a subtle noise (the ticking of a clock), or having a stronger emotional reaction (like tears of joy, or being unable to watch a violent movie).

Still not sure if you’re an HSP? See 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person.

Because the world is so “turned up,” being overwhelmed is a common experience for all HSPs. Here’s how to tell if you’re experiencing overwhelm.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

7 Signs You’re Getting Overwhelmed

Overwhelm can seem to come out of nowhere, but usually it’s preceded by smaller symptoms of burnout. Here are seven signs to watch for:

1. Small problems start to feel like really big ones. And this can lead to feelings of nervousness or panic.
2. You’re getting mentally or physically fatigued. You find yourself suddenly lacking energy or “running out of steam.” This affects your motivation for activities, social events, or work.
3. You can’t concentrate. A sense of “brain fog” or even uncertainty are both common signs of overwhelm. This can include having a hard time making decisions or doing anything at all — especially things that require focus.
4. You have a headache or other discomfort — for no physical reason. It’s true: stress can manifest physically in the body. (And physical stressors contribute to mental overwhelm, creating a cycle.) That means overwhelm can start with a headache, stomach ache, or other types of pain.
5. Every little thing starts to irritate you. Ever seen a kid get cranky because they need a nap? Yep, adults do it too. (Personally, this is the biggest sign of overwhelm that I fall into.)
6. You start obsessing over small things. Because overwhelm often feels like losing control, it’s common to cast about for anything you can control.
7. Ragequitting. I use this term figuratively, since it’s not actual rage. But the urge to just leave, walk off, or quit something — even something you care about — gets stronger and stronger as you get more overwhelmed.

Do you regularly experience some combination of these things? If so, keep reading; you can manage overwhelm. And it starts with knowing why it happens…

Why HSPs Get Overwhelmed Easily

The tendency to get overwhelmed is “part of the package” when you’re highly sensitive. Biologically, there are three big reasons HSPs get overwhelmed:

• You take in (and process) more detail than other people. This happens at the level of the brain and nervous system; HSPs are simply “fine tuned” for in-depth processing of every stimulus. That means a lot more work than other brains do.
• You feel emotions strongly. We often forget that our brains “paint” emotions into our experience. An autumn leaf that is merely pretty to one person, for example, may be highly sentimental to someone whose grandmother taught them to press leaves in a journal. But some brains use more emotional paint than others, and the highly sensitive brain is a prolific artist. It adds more emotional resonance to experiences, so that HSPs may perceive profound beauty in the sound of rain, hidden malice in a well-concealed sneer, or pure joy in giving a cat a treat.
• You care more. Brain studies also show that all the parts of the brain related to empathy are much more active in HSPs. This is true not only when you think about loved ones, but also strangers. In other words: your vivid emotions come hand-in-hand with a strong concern for others. As an HSP, you may feel a sense of responsibility or concern when others would not, and that extra caring can contribute to overwhelm.

All of this combines to take a huge mental toll, which means…

Overwhelm Is About Cognitive Fatigue — Not Weakness

Processing all that information and those strong feelings comes with a cost. It’s like a computer processing more information than it has memory for — it may slow down, not perform well, or even crash.

This is true for everyone. Brainpower, or cognitive energy, is a limited resource. And if we focus too hard, on too many things, for too long, we burn out. We get overwhelmed by processing it all.

And no one processes more information than HSPs — which means it’s no surprise that they get overwhelmed more easily.

How to Deal With Overwhelm

Being highly sensitive does not mean you have to spend your life on the edge of burnout. Here are three ways you can deal with overwhelm, or prevent it altogether.

1. Move away from stimuli

Overwhelm is, at its heart, caused by overstimulation. And there’s no cure more powerful than turning the stimuli off.

One way to do this is to simply take a break in a quiet place (if you’re trapped at work, you might spend some time sitting alone in a bathroom or go for a short walk), Likewise, soothing sensations help, from a hot shower to relaxing music to surrounding yourself with beauty and artwork.

You can also do this proactively. Most HSPs have a place that is their “refuge” (often a bedroom, art studio, garden, or other place they call their own), and that’s where they go when they need to retreat. But don’t wait until you’re already overwhelmed; make it a point to spend time in your refuge every day, or at least on a regular basis.

(And do it alone. For HSPs, the presence of other people — even if they’re being quiet or doing their own thing — is like an app running in the background, taking up valuable mental energy.)

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

2. Set boundaries

The two biggest pitfalls that HSPs fall into are not setting healthy personal boundaries, and saying yes when you really mean to say no. Both of these happen because HSPs care deeply about others. Unfortunately, both of them also contribute to overwhelm.

If you feel consistently overwhelmed in your life, or in certain situations, ask yourself: Am I doing too much? Am I taking responsibility for things that aren’t really my problem? Am I getting my own needs met? Most importantly: Is there anyone in my life who consistently fails to respect my boundaries?

Depending on the answer, that may mean it’s time to learn how to set healthy boundaries, disconnect from toxic relationships, or start prioritizing your own needs.

3. Separate yourself from overwhelming emotions

Because HSPs have strong emotions, emotional processing is also a common cause of overwhelm. And, since HSPs tend to “absorb” the emotions of others, sometimes it’s not even their own feelings that cause it.

That means that the simple act of separating your own emotions from those of others can go a long way toward combatting overwhelm, both in the moment and before it starts. (It also helps make your life more peaceful in general.)

It also helps if you deal with negative emotions like anger or sadness in a direct, purposeful manner — perhaps through journaling, artwork, therapy, or even crying it out.

Highly Sensitive Person, You Do Not Have to Feel Overwhelmed

For many highly sensitive people, overwhelm feels like just part of the deal. And it is something that every HSP deals with. But it doesn’t have to be this way. It is possible to develop habits that keep it to a minimum — or, in many cases, avoid it entirely. When you do, you free yourself to start living your best life. Dear HSP, I’m rooting for you.

You might like:

• This Is the Difference Between a Highly Sensitive Brain and a ‘Typical’ Brain
• It’s Okay to Disconnect From Toxic People to Protect Yourself
• Why HSPs Burn Out So Quickly (and How to Get Relief)

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post Why Do Highly Sensitive People Get Overwhelmed Easily? (And How to Fix It) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

HSPs, did you know there are actually three different “types” of highly sensitive people? 

For a long time, sensitivity was seen as a single, unified trait — either you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP) or you’re not. Research strongly suggests, however, that there’s a lot of variation within HSPs, so much so that highly sensitive people may fall into three different groups or “types.” 

Each of the types has its own strengths and drawbacks, and each one can tell you a lot about yourself and how to harness your sensitivity to thrive. 

Here’s what researchers have to say about the three types of highly sensitive people, and how to tell which one — or ones — you are.

How Did Researchers Discover the Three ‘Types’ of HSPs?

In the late 1990s, sensitivity researcher Elaine Aron developed the HSP Scale, a test that is still used today to assess how sensitive a person is. In Aron’s original theory, high sensitivity was a single trait that comprised many kinds of sensitivities — for example, the same person who is sensitive to caffeine or hunger will likely also be sensitive to emotions and moods. Since early data seemed to support this view, the HSP Scale included questions related to many kinds of sensitivity. If a person checked enough boxes — of any kind — they scored as highly sensitive.

As sensitivity researchers began to work with larger sample sizes, however, they noticed a pattern: People’s answers on the HSP scale tended to cluster around certain groups of questions. 

For example, a person who is sensitive to hunger might indeed also be sensitive to caffeine, but not as much to emotions. Meanwhile, another person might strongly agree with all the questions related to emotions — both their own and those of others — but not with the questions about physical sensations. Both could score as highly sensitive, yet they seemed to be reporting very different experiences.

It was neuropsychologist Kathy Smolewska who first brought these differences to light. In a 2006 paper, Smolewska and her colleagues identified three distinct patterns in how people responded to the HSP Scale, representing three different styles of sensitivity. Today, researchers including Aron have largely accepted this finding, and refer to it as the three “subscales” of the HSP Scale. 

The three subscales are: 

• Ease of Excitation (having strong reactions to things, especially emotions)
• Low Sensory Threshold (being highly aware of sensory sensations), and 
• Aesthetic Sensitivity (a deep attunement to art and beauty). 

Any given highly sensitive person might fit one, two, or all three of the subscales. Thus, you can think of them as representing three styles or “types” of HSPs.

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What Are the Three ‘Types’ of Highly Sensitive People?

In our book, Sensitive, my co-author Jenn Granneman and I decided to give the three types of HSPs nicknames, to make them easier to understand: the “super sensor” (Ease of Excitation), the “super feeler” (Low Sensory Threshold) and the “aesthete” (Aesthetic Sensitivity).

Below are each of the three types and how to tell if you fit that type. Remember, you might not just be one type — some HSPs fit more than one!

1. The “Super Sensor” (Low Sensory Threshold)

Super sensors are HSPs who score high for the Low Sensory Threshold subscale, meaning they are highly aware of their external, sensory environment. If you’re a super sensor, it means you do not filter out as much information about your surroundings, instead noticing every little detail with all five senses — hearing, sight, touch, taste, and smell. This makes super sensors so perceptive that, at times, it may seem you like have “super hearing” or other “super” senses. In reality, your eyes and ears are no sharper than anyone else’s — it’s just that you pay more attention to what they pick up. 

Signs You’re a Super Sensor

Signs you are a super sensor include:

• You are particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine, medications, recreational drugs, or alcohol
• You struggle to tolerate loud noises, strong smells or bright lights
• You are very sensitive to the texture of the fabric in your clothing
• You notice sounds, smells or subtle details that other people don’t seem to be aware of
• You get overwhelmed in crowded or chaotic spaces
• You feel nervous or on-edge when a lot is happening around you
• Loud, aggressive, and violent media bothers you

Super Sensor Strengths 

Being a super sensor comes with many strengths. Super sensors tend to be highly observant, which can make them excellent at detail-oriented tasks like accounting, coding, or the fine arts. If you’re inclined toward sports, you may find that your super-sensing gives you terrific “field vision” — the ability to remain aware of every player on the field or rink, like you have eyes in the back of your head. (In our book Sensitive, we argue that sports legends Wayne Gretsky and Tom Brady are both HSPs — and likely super sensors.) 

Being a super sensor may also give you greater situational awareness, meaning you notice indicators of a problem or threat before anyone else does — a skill that can save lives. Hospitals actually train their staff on situational awareness so they notice when something is going wrong with a patient, but super sensor HSPs may be naturally good at it.

Super Sensor Challenges

Super sensors also face challenges. For one, having keen senses isn’t always fun. (As one super sensor who had a particularly strong sense of smell told me, “It’s the worst superpower ever.” He worked in a gym.) The biggest, though, is likely overstimulation. Super sensors get overloaded by external sensations, especially when they’re extreme (like yelling) or there are too many at once (like a crowded, chaotic event). If you’re a super sensor, the best thing you can do for your self care is to control your physical environment as much as you can, and make time to sit alone in quiet or dark places to “de-stimulate.” 

2. The “Super Feeler” (Ease of Excitation)

Super feelers are HSPs who score high for Ease of Excitation. This means they tend to have strong responses to stimuli of all kinds, whether it be internal (like hunger or pain) or external (like the weather). Often, this means means having stronger emotional responses, and super feelers tend to be highly aware of and attuned to the emotions of themselves and others. The archetypal HSP who absorbs people’s emotions and may be an empath is likely a super feeler. 

Super feelers have a special relationship with emotions and can seem to channel or embody them. (Actress Nicole Kidman, a self-avowed HSP, says that “Most actors are highly sensitive people,” perhaps because of this ability to channel emotions. When Kidman acted in an abuse scene for the show Big Little Lies, she says it was so emotional for her that she had to just lie down on the set with a towel covering her, unable to speak. It was almost as if she had lived through the abuse herself, rather than acting it.) This emotionality is the source of both a super feeler’s greatest strengths and their biggest challenges.

Signs You’re a Super Feeler

Signs you are a super feeler include:

• You are affected by the moods and emotions of others
• You’re easily startled 
• You tend to be more sensitive to pain, almost as if it hurts “more” for your than it may for others
• You have a strong sense of empathy
• You feel overwhelmed when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time
• You tend to be conscientious about doing things right, avoiding mistakes, and being on time
• You worry whether you’re doing a good job and feel guilty if you’re not
• You have a strong reaction to hunger, so that it’s nearly impossible to ignore
• You worry a lot or overthink things
• You get very self-conscious when being observed while you do something, so much so that you actually do worse at it. 
• You take great efforts to avoid conflict and upsetting or overwhelming situations.

Strengths of Super Feelers

Strengths of super feelers include their incredible ability to read other people and sense what they are feeling. They often have a very strong sense of empathy, even by HSP standards, and if they harness this empathy by practicing compassion they can be a force for change in their own lives, the lives of those around them, and the world. Similarly, if they practice emotional intelligence, a super feeler has a tremendous ability to unite people and get things done. They can be very passionate, inspiring individuals who know how to make each person feel at home, listen to everyone’s needs and perspective, and find solutions that work for all. With practice, super feeler HSPs can become great leaders. 

Challenges of Super Feelers

The biggest challenge that super feelers face is the sheer power of their emotional reactions — especially when it comes to negative emotions. For a super feeler, anger or sadness can feel all-consuming, and it can be hard to remember that the emotion will pass. They may get overwhelmed, much like a super sensor, but rather than sensory overstimulation the cause is more likely to be emotional overload. In some cases a super feeler may even feel “stuck” in an emotion and unable to move on from it. This is exacerbated by the fact that super-feelers often take on the emotions of others, not just their own, so they may find themselves feeling stressed or upset and not even know why. 

Super feelers do best when they practice emotional regulation and work on identifying cognitive distortions so they can stop being afraid of their emotions and start to harness them instead. 

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. The Aesthete (Aesthetic Sensitivity)

Aesthetes are HSPs who score high for Aesthetic Sensitivity. That means you are highly attuned to art, beauty, and the way our physical surroundings influence us. For example, you might be a foodie, always trying to refine a recipe to get just the right melange of flavors. Or you may be a natural interior decorator, fashionista, landscaper, or artist, intuitively sensing which combination of things will look just right. Above all, you have an emotional reaction to artwork and beauty, whether it is natural (like an autumn tree with golden leaves) or human made (like van Gogh’s Starry Night). 

Signs You’re an Aesthete

Signs you are an aesthete include:

• You are deeply moved by artwork and music, and may have a strong emotional response to certain pieces
• You are strongly affected by the “vibe” of a place
• You have a rich, complex inner life. You may daydream often, journal regularly, or spend long periods of time just thinking. 
• You have a vivid imagination.
• You notice and enjoy delicate flavors, sounds, scents, and artistic touches
• You seem to appreciate artwork, literature, or music on a deeper level than others
• You have a hard time focusing and working in a space does not have the right “feel” and look
• You are very open to new ideas and experiences

Strengths of Aesthetes

Aesthetes tend to be highly creative, perhaps fitting the image of the “sensitive artist” or the “reclusive writer.” They are the types of HSPs who can produce striking work and seem to intuitively understand what makes a song, story, or work of art compelling. Aesthetes often have an excellent visual sense, turning even their everyday outfits or their office cubicle into a canvas for subtle, tasteful flourishes. At times, they can even use this power to help others: If you’re an aesthete, you’ve probably noticed that you have a sixth sense for what makes a space seem “off” and how to fix it to be comfortable and inviting to everyone. 

Notably, aesthetes tend to score higher for the personality trait of Openness, which involves being receptive to new ideas and experiences. Not all HSPs score higher than average for this trait, and many HSPs are very cautious about new things, but aesthete HSPs tend to be open-minded and even experimental. 

Challenges of Aesthetes 

Little research has been done on the specific challenges faced by those who are aesthetically sensitive — and unlike the other two “types” of sensitivity, it is not as strongly linked to neuroticism. However, one of the biggest pain points I have heard from sensitive creatives is that their aesthetic ability itself is not valued. Many creatively-inclined HSPs find that little attention is paid to beauty or artistry in everyday life; that most products — including most décor — are as aesthetically neutral as possible; that corporate and public spaces are often left in a bland, uninspiring state (either to save cost or to guarantee they are inoffensive); and that the work of even highly trained professional artists is often underpaid and undervalued. 

There is no simple fix to make the world see the value of art, but as an aesthete HSP myself, I focus on what I can control: I curate my home, my writing space, and my daily habits to surround myself with as much beauty as possible, from my houseplants to the route I take for my afternoon walks. I cook unnecessarily elaborate meals and share them with friends. And I look for interesting, quirky, creative misfits who fill my mind with the sparks of new ideas. We can’t all live in Montmartre, but we can all make a Montmartre of our lives.

How to Use Your ‘Type’ to Help You Thrive

Understanding which “type” (or types) of HSP you are can be meaningful and help you better understand yourself. But to get the most out of it, there are three things you need to remember:

• Many HSPs are a mix of the the types. Even though people tend to group around the types, their answers on the HSP scale are rarely a clean, “all of this type, none of that type.” Most HSPs have elements of two or all three of the types, even if one type is more dominant for them. Researchers have yet to confirm whether your type is determined more by genetic or more by your life experiences, but the answer is likely that it’s a mix of both. As an HSP, you can likely tap into the strengths of all of the types if you try — you are not confined to just one.
• All of the types are powered by the same deep-processing brain. The best theory we have to explain the trait of sensitivity is still Aron’s theory that highly sensitive people are wired to process information more deeply at a brain level, and there is evidence to support this. That depth of processing, in turn, would explains all of the types. A deeper-processing brain is one that spends more time, attention, and mental energy on incoming information, whether that be related to sensations (super sensors), emotions and implications (super feelers), or beauty and meaning (aesthetes). The fact that a deep-processing brain may learn to specialize in one of these types of information is unsurprising, as some information may prove more useful over the course of a given person’s life experiences.
• None of the types is better than the others, and all have strengths and growth points. All HSPs share certain characteristics: All can end up mentally fatigued or overwhelmed if their deep-processing brain is overloaded. All will struggle more with stressful environments, but benefit more than less-sensitive people from healthy and supportive environments. All can harness the sensitive Boost Effect to radically improve their lives. Understanding the type or types that best fit you is a nice starting point to identifying your strengths and the biggest growth points you might want to focus on. Look at it as a jumping-off point for personal development.

HSPs, which type — or types — do you think fit you the best?

You Might Like:

• This Is Why You Absorb Other People’s Emotions, According to Science
• What Is ‘Aesthetic Sensitivity,’ and Why Is It So Important for HSPs?
• 11 ‘Little’ Things That Overwhelm Highly Sensitive People

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.

The post There Are 3 ‘Types’ of HSPs. Which One Are You? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you may already know that high sensitivity is often compared to autism. This can be surprising — the signs of the two traits are very different. However, both have been treated very similarly by the general public. Just as autism is now increasingly seen as a healthy trait, being an HSP is not a disorder, and it’s a trait found in up to 20 percent of the population. Both traits also come with a ton of advantages. In the case of high sensitivity, that includes empathy, compassion, creativity, and the intuitive ability to see connections that others miss. 

The similarities go deeper than that, however. For example, both autism and being an HSP can involve extreme sensitivity to your environment. Any highly sensitive person understands what it’s like to have the world “turned up too loud,” and many autistic individuals have that same experience—especially about seemingly “small” stimuli, like the rub of clothing texture or an intrusive noise.

Likewise, both HSPs and individuals with autism tend to get overwhelmed by environmental stimuli. Autistic children, for example, may panic, have a tantrum, or “shut down” in response to overwhelming stimuli, and many HSP children will do the same thing when they get overstimulated, especially if their parents haven’t taught them good strategies to avoid overwhelm.

But, despite those similarities — and despite the fact that a person can be both highly sensitive and autistic — the traits are two different things.

Not only that, but a recent study shows they are profoundly different — and that high sensitivity is also unrelated to various disorders, such as schizophrenia and PTSD. It suggests that being a highly sensitive person is a normal, healthy trait.

Here’s what the study found, and what it means for highly sensitive people.

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What Makes Autism Different From High Sensitivity?

The study, led by Bianca Acevedo of the Neuroscience Research Institute of the University of California, is an exhaustive analysis of 27 papers comparing high sensitivity, autism, and other conditions. (You can read the full study here.) It refers to high sensitivity by its formal name, Sensory Processing Sensitivity or SPS.

The study also refers to autism as Autism Spectrum Disorder, and uses some language that I think many autistic people would disagree with. I’ll just say up front that many people argue that autism is highly advantageous and should not be classified as a disorder at all; a fair amount of research agrees, including evidence that autism may correlate with high intelligence.

Acevedo and her team found three major differences between SPS and autism:

1. Autism comes with “social deficits”; high sensitivity does not.

Acevedo’s research noted that autism comes hand-in-hand with so called “social deficits,” such as difficulty making eye contact, recognizing faces, responding to others’ emotional cues, and reciprocating another person’s intentions — think of smiling back at someone who smiles at you. (An alternative view of these “deficits” might be that autistic people do not follow the often disingenuous social conventions of neurotypical people.) These social differences are obvious in autistic children as early as two or three months of age, and they’re directly tied to how an autistic person’s brain works — they tend to show less response in brain areas associated with social cues and self-reflection. One reason for this may be that autistic individuals have very different body language than neurotypical individuals, and they don’t get to “mirror” people with their own body language nearly as much as neurotypical children do. In other words, this so-called “deficit” may be much more of a lack of opportunity than an innate part of autism.

For SPS or high sensitivity, exactly the opposite is true. Rather than showing social “deficits,” highly sensitive people tend to be extra responsive to social cues, facial expressions, and the intentions of others. Likewise, the same areas of the brain that are less responsive among autistic individuals tend to be highly active for HSPs, who present high levels of empathy, social awareness, and self-reflection.

2. For highly sensitive people, social situations are (extra) rewarding.

Human beings in general are wired to find social interactions rewarding. This encourages us to form strong bonds, help each other out, and cooperate with one another; it’s always been a key to our survival. Highly sensitive people are no exception, and may respond even more strongly to social interactions than others do — feeling anywhere from calmed to downright jubilant about a positive interaction.

People with autism experience social interactions differently. For them, Acevedo’s study points out, there simply isn’t as much of a sense of reward, calmness, or emotion involved in socializing. An exchange with another person may get their attention, but not necessarily feel meaningful. The study says this further affects their ability to respond appropriately to others.

Interpretation matters a lot here. To be clear, autistic individuals can and do form deep, meaningful relationships like anyone else, and they have no shortage of empathy. The difference is in how rewarding they find social interaction in its own right. Whereas it’s extra-rewarding for HSPs, it is less inherently rewarding for autistic people.

3. Their brains handle stimuli in dramatically different ways.

Given that both HSPs and autistic individuals can be extremely sensitive to stimuli, it’s no surprise that they do share some areas of high brain activity in common — specifically areas related to attention and reacting (physically or mentally) to stimuli. But that’s about were the similarities in brain activity end.

The highly sensitive brain, for example, shows higher-than-typical levels of activity in areas related to calmness, hormonal balance, self-control, and even self-reflective thinking (the ability to process one’s own actions and feelings and come to deeper conclusions about them). These go hand in hand with the greater level of empathy and depth of processing that define high sensitivity. All of these are either positive, useful traits or can be good or bad depending on the situation.

And all of them contrast starkly with the autistic brain, which Acevedo found to be less active when it comes to the brain regions related to calmness, emotion, and sociability. 

Brain-Training for the Highly Sensitive Person 

Highly sensitive people have brain differences that make us more susceptible to high stress, overwhelm and even anxiety.

But what if you could retrain your brain?

This exceptional online course was created specifically for HSPs by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. Julie draws on cutting-edge scientific research, years of gentle work with HSP clients, and her own experience as a highly sensitive person. The result is one of the most effective, transformative courses we’ve seen.

In this course, you will learn to:

• Feel more in control of your emotions and be able to pause, reflect and respond — instead of react
• Have more energy, even creating extra “brain space” to get the creative center in your brain flowing
• Sleep better and wake up feeling refreshed and positive
• Get your needs met — without the guilt
• Finally feel calm in situations that used to make you feel anxious or overwhelmed

This is one of the most popular courses Julie offers for HSPs — don’t miss out. Sign up today.

High Sensitivity Is Unrelated to Mental Health Disorders, Too

High sensitivity is also sometimes compared — wrongly — to various mental health disorders. The big ones are schizophrenia and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These two conditions have little in common on the surface (with each other or with being an HSP), but all of them can involve increased sensitivity to sensory stimuli.

Acevedo and her colleagues delved into these disorders, too — and it turns out that none of them are connected to high sensitivity.

For starters, schizophrenia shares even less with high sensitivity than autism does. Like autism, it comes without any of the increased empathy or self-reflection that HSPs exhibit, and unlike autism, it has almost no brain activity in common with high sensitivity. (Also, although not mentioned in the study, unmanaged schizophrenia almost inevitably causes major problems in a person’s life and relationships; high sensitivity does not.)

PTSD is a bit trickier, because highly sensitive people may be at higher risk of developing PTSD if they go through some kind of trauma. But PTSD patients show none of the enhanced activity in areas related to calmness, self-control, or social awareness that highly sensitive people show, and suffer a variety of symptoms that HSPs without trauma do not. Disruptions in a PTSD sufferer’s brain, for example, tend to affect their memory and their ability to integrate new information. These abilities — and the capacity to process information in general — are actually strong points for a highly sensitive person.

Perhaps most strikingly, high sensitivity is a trait that is with a person from birth, and is healthy in most people. PTSD is something that develops only in response to traumatic circumstances.

High Sensitivity May Be an Evolutionary Advantage

Scientifically, it makes sense why researchers would look for a connection between these various traits and disorders. After all, if they all involve some kind of increased sensitivity, it’s worth checking whether they work the same way in the brain — especially if that could help people.

What’s fascinating about this research, however, isn’t just that it reaffirms that being a highly sensitive person is “healthy” and “normal.” Frankly, if you’ve spent any time talking to HSPs, you probably could have seen that one coming.

No, what’s interesting is what else this study suggests. At every step, it practically trips over the fact that high sensitivity is strongly beneficial. Being an HSP comes with heightened activity in useful brain regions; strong association with desirable personality traits; and even a tendency toward positive, useful, prosocial behavior.

I think the study’s own conclusion says it best:

“We suggest that adaptive SPS strategies involving empathy, awareness, calmness and physiological and cognitive self-control may serve a species by facilitating deep integration and memory for environmental and social information, which may ultimately foster survival, well-being and cooperation.”

In other words, your high sensitivity might be an evolutionary advantage — one that helps our entire species.

You might like:

• These 3 Sets of Genes Make You an HSP
• 27 Things You Do Because You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 8 Reasons Why Gentle Discipline Works Best With the Highly Sensitive Child

The post Is Being a Highly Sensitive Person the Same as Having Autism? appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

People often lump introverts, empaths, and highly sensitive people together. Although they share some similar traits, they’re each quite different. So what is the difference — and do you see yourself fitting into one or more of these categories? Let’s take a look.

Introverts

There’s been a lot of awareness-raising about introverts lately, and most people now understand that being an introvert doesn’t necessarily make you shy or unsociable. In fact, many introverts are social people who love spending time with a few close friends. But introverts get drained quickly in those social situations, and need plenty of time alone in order to recharge their energy. That’s why introverts often prefer to stay in, or spend time with just one or two people rather than a big group.

Being an introvert is genetic, and it involves differences in how the brain processes dopamine, the “reward” chemical. People who are born as introverts simply don’t feel as rewarded by external stimuli such as parties or chitchat, and as a result, they get worn out in those situations relatively quickly. On the other hand, many introverts draw deep satisfaction from meaningful activities like reading, creative hobbies, and quiet contemplation.

If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you’re much more likely to be an introvert than an extrovert. Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, estimates that about 70 percent of HSPs are also introverts — so it makes sense why they’re often confused for one another. A highly sensitive introvert may come across as very observant, caring, emotional, and able to read others well — even though people exhaust them!

Nevertheless, you can be an introvert and not be highly sensitive. This would look like being less “in tune” with people, because for HSPs, the brightest thing on their radar is other people! It may also mean being less stressed by certain types of stimulation, such as time pressure, violent movie scenes, repetitive noises, etc. — even though you still need plenty of alone time.

Additionally:

• About 30 to 50 percent of the population are introverts
• Some introverts are neither empaths nor highly sensitive people
• Introversion is a well-studied personality trait that’s separate from the other two.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Empaths

The word “empath” has been taking on a new meaning lately. At one point, it was used mostly in science fiction to describe a person with paranormal abilities to understand the mental and emotional states of others. Although many people still associate empaths with a spiritual component, today the word has become more mainstream. Now it’s commonly used to mean someone who is extremely aware of the emotions of those around them.

Here’s what that looks like. Empaths would say they’re not just “noticing” others’ feelings; the experience is often one of absorbing their emotions. It’s as if empaths feel others’ emotions right alongside them. And, according to Dr. Judith Orloff, author of The Empath’s Survival Guide, this may even include physical symptoms. When overwhelmed with stressful emotions, empaths may experience panic attacks, depression, chronic fatigue, and physical symptoms that defy traditional medical diagnosis, she writes.

For empaths, this ability is both a gift and a curse. It can be hard because many empaths feel they cannot “turn it off,” or it takes them years to develop ways to turn it down when needed. As a result, empaths can find themselves going from perfectly happy to overwhelmed with stress, anxiety, or other feelings simply because someone else walked into the room.

At the same time, an empath’s ability to absorb feelings is their greatest strength. It allows them to understand others and connect deeply with them. It’s also what makes them extraordinary caretakers, friends, and partners — especially when others understand and appreciate their gift.

Similar to HSPs, empaths also have highly tuned senses, strong intuitive abilities, and can need time alone to decompress, according to Orloff.

• Empaths can be introverts or extroverts
• “Absorbing” emotions most likely happens by picking up on subtle social/emotional cues and then internalizing them — an unconscious process that empaths often can’t control
• Many empaths are likely highly sensitive people

Highly Sensitive People

Like introverts and empaths, highly sensitive people are often misunderstood. It’s common to use the word “sensitive” as if it’s a bad thing, which means HSPs sometimes get a bad rap. But the truth is, being highly sensitive simply means you process more information about the world around you than others do. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “easily offended” or you cry at the drop of a hat.

For HSPs, that means:

• Processing things very deeply and noticing connections that others don’t notice
• Sometimes becoming overwhelmed or overstimulated because your brain is processing so much input (especially in highly stimulating environments like a party or busy classroom)
• Picking up on emotional cues, like empaths, and feeling a deep degree of empathy for others
• Noticing small and subtle things that others often overlook (like textures and faint noises)

In other words, being highly sensitive has an emotional dimension to it, and many HSPs would qualify as empaths — they tend to feel the emotions of others just like empaths do. At the same time, being an HSP also involves being more sensitive to all sensory input, not just emotions. HSPs can become overwhelmed in situations that are simply too noisy, crowded, or fast-paced, whether there are specific emotions to deal with or not.

Like introversion, high sensitivity has been well studied. It’s largely genetic and involves several unique differences in the brain. It’s also a healthy, normal trait shared by up to 20 percent of the population.

• HSPs can be introverts or extroverts
• It’s likely that most (if not all) HSPs are also empaths
• Empaths and HSPs may turn out to be two sides of a single trait as empaths are studied more

Are you an HSP? Check out these 21 signs of a highly sensitive person.

The Overlap Between Introverts, Empaths, and HSPs

There can be overlaps between these traits, but there doesn’t have to be. A person can be all three — an introverted, highly sensitive empath — or they can be any one or two of them. These are, after all, personality traits, and everyone’s personality is unique.

As a rule, however, it is likely that most empaths are highly sensitive people. Many of the traits we ascribe to empaths are just the traits of HSPs by a different name. Not every HSP that they “absorb” the emotions of others; but those who do are probably empaths.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

The Opposite of an Introvert, Empath, or HSP

The opposite of an introvert is an extrovert. Extroverts are sometimes said to get their energy from social situations. They have a much longer “social battery” than introverts, and their brains are wired to get a great deal of satisfaction from these situations.

The opposite of empathy or high sensitivity is sometimes said to be narcissism, but that’s simply not true. Just as being highly sensitive (or empathic) is healthy, being less so can be a healthy trait as well. Less sensitive people simply aren’t as impacted by the stimuli around them. Just as high sensitivity can be extremely valuable in certain situations, being less sensitive can also be valuable — particularly in loud, demanding environments like industrial work sites, the military, and others. These individuals are not necessarily narcissistic or selfish.

All personality traits exist for a reason. Introversion, empathy, and high sensitivity are all valuable, advantageous traits. And the human species does best when we have a diverse population with many different perspectives. It all depends on the situations you find yourself in and how well you learn to use your personality’s natural strengths.

Are you an introvert, empath, or a highly sensitive person — or several of those? Please leave me a comment below and share your thoughts.

You might like:

• The Highly Sensitive Person’s Road Map to Mindfully Controlling Stress and Anxiety
• Why Is Losing a Pet Especially Hard for HSPs?
• How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

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The post The Difference Between Introverts, Empaths, and Highly Sensitive People appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

It was a rainy Wednesday night, and my partner Jenn Granneman and I found ourselves in a craft brewery in an industrial district of the Twin Cities. We were there for a “networking event” — not something that comes naturally for either one of us. This particular event, however, is for our local literary community, which is near and dear to our hearts. We try to attend every month.

When we do, we always try our best to explain what we do — and what the heck a highly sensitive person is. Lately it’s been more and more common that someone says, “Oh, I know what that is! I’m highly sensitive!” That’s encouraging; it means we’re raising awareness about what it means to be sensitive.

But not this time.

This time, we had a newcomer at the event. “What do you do?” she asked us. We told her we run an online publication for highly sensitive people.

“Oh,” she replied. “So you write about people who get offended easily. Must be tough!”

Wah-wah.

Jenn and I looked at each other. I was hoping it was a joke, but if so, it was in poor taste. Jenn responded.

“Being highly sensitive doesn’t actually mean you get offended easily,” she explained. “It just means you’re sensitive to stimuli in your environment.”

But this woman still didn’t get it. “It certainly seems I’ve offended YOU,” she replied. “So, touché!”

I turned away, but I found myself wondering: how many people think of high sensitivity this way?

When you say, ‘I’m a highly sensitive person,’ and people react like you said, ‘I have a highly infectious and pitiable disease,’ let’s be honest: it hurts.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Why There Are So Many Misconceptions About Highly Sensitive People

I wish I could say there’s something unique about this particular woman’s reaction. The truth is, it’s not unique at all. Not everyone is quite so forward, but if you mention being sensitive, here are the reactions you can expect to get:

• “You just need to toughen up.”
• “I bet you can control that, you just need to learn how.”
• “Are you getting help?”

Frowny. Face.

In a business setting, like the event I was at, it’s easy to brush off these reactions — as long as you don’t get flooded — because it’s less personal. But when you say I’m a highly sensitive person, and people react as if you said I have a highly infectious and utterly pitiable disease, let’s be honest: it hurts.

It hurts because the world doesn’t understand what high sensitivity means.

It hurts because people have a lot of baggage around the word “sensitive.”

And it hurts because people openly joke about a trait that defines who you are. 

The truth is, there’s a reason why there are so many misconceptions about high sensitivity. “Sensitive” is a word we all use to mean different things, and its casual definition often has no relation to the way it’s used in psychology. Many people have never heard of “high sensitivity,” and they’re not always open to learning anything about it — in large part because sensitivity itself is often seen as a weakness.

But sensitivity isn’t a weakness at all. Like many traits, it comes with two sides: lots of advantages as well as some disadvantages. Many people only see the inconvenient side of it and never learn to appreciate the strengths of being sensitive.

5 Misconceptions Every HSP Has to Deal With

Maybe it’s no surprise that not everyone “gets” sensitivity. But there are a few particularly annoying misconceptions that come up again and again. Here are the five biggest ones that I hear all the time — and the truth that people need to understand instead:

1. “Sensitive” is not the same thing as “weak.”

HSPs need harmony in their relationships to thrive. Sometimes this means they avoid conflict, because it can easily overwhelm them. This can also lead to avoiding highly competitive situations or feeling stressed by aggressive deadlines. To some hyper-competitive people, this may seem “weak,” but the truth is, it can also result in better decisions, a more thoughtful approach, and coming up with win-wins that work for everybody.

2. Being highly sensitive does NOT mean you’re easily insulted or “full of drama.”

We always tell people who get offended easily to not be “so sensitive,” but high sensitivity has nothing to do with overreacting, getting offended, or creating drama for people. It simply means you process everything deeply — including physical sensations and emotions.

Sure, in some cases that means you’ll notice a subtext that others missed… but that can actually make you easier to be around. Most HSPs are capable of extreme empathy, even if once in a while they get overstimulated and need to take a break.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Being highly sensitive does NOT mean you cry at everything.

Highly sensitive people do tend to feel emotions strongly, and they may cry more often than others. However, that doesn’t mean HSPs cry at the drop of a hat or for “no reason.” And most adult HSPs have learned how to handle their own tears, and will do so in a way that is minimally disruptive to others.

4. Being an HSP is NOT a disorder that needs to be “fixed.”

This is a healthy trait that occurs in 15-20 percent of the population and is sorely needed by our society. Frankly, the world would be a better place if there were more sensitive people in it.

5. No, HSPs don’t “dislike” being sensitive.

Many young HSPs struggle to understand their sensitivity, and it can take time to grow into the strengths that come with it. It can also be difficult sometimes to have a trait that society doesn’t value as much as aggression or cold logic.

Eventually many HSPs come to appreciate their sensitivity as an immense gift: an ability to see things that others miss and care deeply and passionately when others are only lukewarm. Many HSPs use their talents to help others, to act as caregivers, to create art and music, or simply to enjoy connecting authentically with other human beings. Most HSPs wouldn’t trade their sensitivity for the world. 

These are far from the only misconceptions about high sensitivity that I run into, but they are some of the most misguided — and they show why everyday life can be a struggle simply to be understood and accepted as an HSP. I believe that can change, that one day we may be able to accept sensitivity as a valuable and “normal” trait. Until then, we need to keep on speaking up when people say otherwise.

You might like:

• How to Explain High Sensitivity to People Who Don’t ‘Get’ It
• Why Highly Sensitive People Get Mentally and Emotionally ‘Flooded’
• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things Highly Sensitive People Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• 13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand

The post 5 Misconceptions Every Highly Sensitive Person Has to Deal With appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

An empath is someone who is highly aware of the emotions of those around them, to the point of feeling those emotions themselves. Empaths see the world differently than other people; they’re keenly aware of others, their pain points, and what they need emotionally.

But it’s not just emotions. According to Dr. Judith Orloff, author of The Empath’s Survival Guide, empaths can feel physical pain, too — and can often sense someone’s intentions or where they’re coming from. In other words, empaths seem to pick up on many of the lived experience of those around them.

Many highly sensitive people (HSPs) are also empaths — but there may be a difference between empaths and HSPs. Having a high degree of empathy is just one of the four traits that make someone an HSP, and HSPs are sensitive to many kinds of stimuli, in addition to emotions. It’s likely that most empaths are highly sensitive, but not all highly sensitive people are necessarily empaths.

So how do you know if you are one? Here are 13 signs.

13 Signs of an Empath

1. You take on other peoples’ emotions as your own

This is the classic, number one trait of an empath. No matter what someone else near you is feeling, even if they think they aren’t showing it, you’re likely to pick up on it immediately. But more than that: you may actually feel the emotion as if it were your own, essentially “absorbing” it or sponging it up.

How exactly this works is a subject of some debate. But we do know that people who have high levels of empathy also have very active mirror neurons — the part of the brain that reads emotional cues from other people and figures out what they might be thinking or feeling. In other words, if you’re an empath, it’s likely that you can pick up on tiny changes in expression, body language, or tone of voice that others miss — and immediately sense what the person is feeling.

Those same active mirror neurons, however, mean that you basically live through the feeling as if it were your own. That can be a powerful gift, but also exhausting and overwhelming at times.

2. Sometimes you experience sudden, overwhelming emotions when you’re in public

It’s not just in one-on-one conversation where you sense the emotions of others. It can happen at any time when there are other people around, and without warning.

If you’re an empath, it can be challenging to go into public spaces, because you may suddenly find yourself filled with an emotion that came out of “nowhere” — or, more accurately, from someone else in the area.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

3. The “vibe” of a room matters to you — a lot

Perhaps unsurprisingly, empaths are extremely sensitive to the “feel” or atmosphere of their surroundings. When surrounded by peace and calm, they flourish, because they take on those qualities internally themselves. For the same reason, places of beauty can be transformative for empaths, whether it’s a quiet garden, a lovely bedroom, or the halls of a museum. Likewise, chaotic or depressing environments will quickly pull the energy out of an empath.

4. You understand where people are coming from

Empath expert Dr. Judith Orloff explains that this is the core trait of an empath — even more so than absorbing the emotions of others. After all, empaths can learn not to absorb emotions as much, and some empaths rarely “absorb” them at all. But all empaths are able to intuitively sense what someone is trying to express, even when they’re having a hard time getting it out.

Empathy, after all, is fundamentally about understanding and connecting with others. And that’s what it means to sense where people are coming from.

5. People turn to you for advice

With such insight, empaths are frequently sought out by their friend for advice, support, and encouragement. It helps that empaths also tend to be good listeners, and will often patiently wait for someone to say what they need to say and then respond from the heart.

If this sounds like you, you probably know that it can be hard at times, too — people don’t always realize how much of your energy it takes for you to be the listener an advice-giver, and some people take it for granted.

6. Tragic or violent events on TV can completely incapacitate you

If you’re an empath, it doesn’t matter that a horrible event isn’t happening to you, you still feel it through your entire being. You may seem to “live through” the pain or loss of the event yourself, even if you’re thousands of miles away — or indeed, even if it’s a fictional event in a show. This reaction can be completely overwhelming at times.

Empaths, like HSPs, may not do well watching violence or human tragedy, even if it’s a movie that others find gripping.

7. You can’t contain your love of pets, animals, or babies

Sure, everyone knows that babies are adorable little miracles, and dogs and cats are cute — but for you, those feelings seem to be much stronger. You may not be able to help yourself from gushing over someone’s lovely child, or immediately crouching down to show some love to a puppy. Some people might find your reaction “over the top,” but for you, how can anyone not react this way?

In many ways, this is one of the many perks of being an empath. All your feelings, including positive ones, are turned way up.

8. You might feel people’s physical illnesses too — not just their emotions

When someone is sick or injured, you might even go so far as to feel their ailment as if it’s your own. This doesn’t just mean feeling sympathy or concern for them, but having actual physical sensations like pain, tightness, or soreness in the same areas of the body. It’s as if your empathic brain is not only mirroring what the other person must be experiencing but also projecting that experience physically into your own body.

And it can be uncomfortable — even debilitating. It’s probably not a “gift” that most empaths love to have. But it’s also at the root of why empaths are such exceptional caregivers. Without this ability, they wouldn’t be able to truly connect with someone who is in pain, or get them just what they need to feel more at ease.

It’s not surprising that empaths are drawn to roles like nurse, doctor, elder care provider, or healer. If you can feel everyone’s pain, it would be surprising not to want to do something about it.

Want to reduce stress and thrive as an empath? We recommend these online courses from psychotherapist and sensitivity expert Julie Bjelland. Click here to learn more.

9. You can become overwhelmed in intimate relationships

Relationships can be challenging for everyone. But imagine how much bigger those challenges are when you can sense every little mood, irritation or, yes, even lie from your partner. And positive emotions can also become overwhelming — as if the relationship may “engulf” you. Sound familiar?

But it’s more than that. Once you live together, the shared environment is also a hurdle. A cohabiting partner’s “energy” is always present for an empath, and can almost feel like an intrusion. Empaths view their homes as a sanctuary where they can get away from the constant demand on their emotional senses, and a partner changes that.

While some empaths choose to remain single for this reason, others learn to adapt — perhaps by having a room that’s their private space, or (extremely important) seeking a partner who respects their boundaries.

10. You’re a walking lie detector

Sure, there probably have been times when someone successfully deceived you… but even then, you knew you were going against your gut instinct from the start. The thing about an empath’s ability to process even the tiniest social cues means that it’s almost impossible for someone to hide their true intentions. Even if you don’t know exactly what a person really wants, you know if they’re not being completely honest — or if they seem shifty.

11. You can’t understand why any leader wouldn’t put their teams first

There are plenty of managers and group organizers who simply don’t pay attention to their team’s needs. If you’re an empath, this isn’t just rude or annoying — it’s a failure of leadership.

Partly, this is because empaths can make excellent leaders themselves, and when they do, it’s always by listening to their team and uniting people around shared goals. Empaths tend to be thoughtful and attentive, making sure each team member feels heard. The result isn’t just a happier group of people, it’s making better decisions by getting all the information.

12. You have a calming effect on other people — and the power to heal them

It’s true. Just as people seek out empaths for advice, they also just feel more at peace in an empath’s presence. In fact, people often unwittingly seek out their most empathic friends during difficult times.

This is something you can develop and use to actually heal people, in the sense of helping them work past serious emotional baggage and overcome unhealthy patterns. But you can’t do so if you hide your sensitivity and empathy — you have to embrace your gift if you really want to make a difference.

13. You cannot see someone in pain without wanting to help

Can you walk past someone who’s in need, without wondering how you could help them? Do you struggle to turn off your concern for others because “there’s a job to do”? If the answer is no — not even when you’re busy, not even when you’re rushed — then there’s good chance you’re an empath.

And this is why empaths are such a valuable part of the amazing kaleidoscope of the human race. For an empath, people are the brightest things on their radar, and it’s impossible not to see — and respond to — the needs of others. That is exactly where an empath’s healing ability comes from, and it’s something we could use more of in our world.

You might like:

• 14 Problems Only Empaths Will Understand
• The Difference Between Introverts, Empaths, and HSPs
• Do You Cry Easily? You Might Be a Highly Sensitive Person

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The post 13 Signs That You’re an Empath appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

“So what do you do?” my coworker asks. I recently moved into one of these downtown coworking spaces, the kind of place where everyone’s project is trendier than I’ve ever been in my life. I like everyone I’ve met, and it’s a lot better than working at my messy kitchen counter. But it can be intimidating to explain my own work.

“I run a website,” I say, which invariably draws questions about what kind of website, “It’s, um, a community for highly sensitive people.”

“Oh,” comes the reply, followed by the uncertain stare. “So… what does that mean?”

I think most highly sensitive people (HSPs) can relate to that blank-stare moment. When you try to explain your high sensitivity, reactions can range from confused to critical to simply not interested. Which is painful, because HSPs inhabit a world where their needs are almost universally overlooked, and simply feeling understood can be one of the most soothing feelings another person can offer.

So how do you explain high sensitivity to people who don’t “get” it? It’s not easy, but I’ve had to do it a lot. Below I’ll discuss why so many people misunderstand it — and the five simple things they need to know about HSPs.

“The truth is, many highly sensitive people are told they’re broken — even though they’re perfectly normal.”

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Click here to subscribe!

Why It’s So Hard to Explain High Sensitivity

I understand why people react the way they do. Only 30 percent of people have the trait of highly sensitivity, and many of those have grown up never knowing there’s a word for what they are. The truth is, many highly sensitive kids are told they’re broken even though they’re perfectly normal — and that stigma continues to affect HSPs as adults.

But perhaps the biggest challenge is just a matter of perspective. Highly sensitive people experience the world in a truly different way than others do. Noises that seem like background to most sound intrusive to HSPs. And the emotions that everyone thinks they’re keeping hidden are, to the highly sensitive, on full display. Even smells and textures can seem “louder,” more distracting, more salient to HSPs.

Other people just can’t relate to that. Which is why high sensitivity seems, to them, like a liability. (It’s not; it’s a healthy characteristic with pros and cons, just like any other personality trait.)

That gulf in perspective may be the single biggest challenge in explaining high sensitivity. But bridging that gulf is also the number one reason why it’s important to explain it in the first place.

“Being highly sensitive means your nervous system is more sensitive to stimuli of any kind. It doesn’t just mean being emotionally sensitive, although many HSPs are very aware of people’s emotions, too.”

What Everyone Should Understand About High Sensitivity

Plenty of digital ink has been spilled explaining what a highly sensitive person is, but the basic idea is pretty simple. The only problem is there’s a lot of baggage around the word “sensitive.” In the context of highly sensitive people, it doesn’t mean what most people think.

Here’s the truth about high sensitivity, based on both research and the experiences of HSPs — in five simple truths:

1. Highly sensitive people have a slightly different nervous system.

High sensitivity means your nervous system is more sensitive to stimuli of any kind. That includes lights and sounds, but also things like subtle cues in body language or tone of voice. HSPs pick up more detail than others do, which can be both a good thing and a bad thing.

And those are just the physical impressions. Highly sensitive people don’t just notice more, their system processes it longer and more deeply. That means that almost any experience they have gets turned over in their mind again and again. As a result, HSPs are more prone to overstimulation and overwhelm.

2. Being a highly sensitive person is genetic.

Many people wrongly think it’s “in your head” or it’s something you picked up in childhood. While environmental factors influence high sensitivity, it’s primarily genetic, which means HSPs are born that way. And HSPs tend to have fundamental differences in the brain, including highly active “mirror neurons” — the part of the brain that helps us empathize with other people.

3. “Sensitive” doesn’t necessarily mean “emotionally sensitive” … but sometimes it does.

Emotions are only one part of being highly sensitive — there’s nothing intrinsically emotional about being stressed out by bright lights and loud noises. But it is true that HSPs tend to have stronger emotional responses than others. Partly, this is because they notice so many emotional cues that others miss, so they’re very “tuned in” to feelings. But it’s also because HSPs process things so deeply. Imagine if you felt every emotion five times longer and five times louder; that’s kind of what it’s like to be an HSP.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

4. Too much stimulation can overwhelm an HSP.

By noticing and processing every detail around them — not to mention their own internal thoughts — HSPs are doing far more cognitive work than most other people. Brains get tired, especially when they’re working overtime, and especially if there are constant distractions. That sense of being overstimulated and frazzled is something anyone can identify with, but for HSPs, it can happen much more easily.

Like introverts, most highly sensitive people try to have a private place they can go to to recharge, and they seek out quiet corners at work and in public if possible. Too much exposure to nonstop stimulus makes an HSP crash.

5. High sensitivity comes with a lot of benefits.

Some of the things on this list might sound like bad things. And yes, being highly sensitive comes with its share of pitfalls. But being an HSP is a perfectly “normal,” healthy way to be — and it comes with some serious advantages. For example:

• Highly sensitive people tend to be extremely creative and can make powerful, evocative art and music;
• They are empathetic and capable of understanding (and relating to) almost anyone — so much so that people often come to HSPs for comfort and advice; and
• HSPs see connections that others miss, making them deep intuitive thinkers and very successful in the right kinds of careers.

When HSPs embrace these strengths, they go on to lead happy, fulfilling lives. And while every HSP struggles with overwhelm sometimes, it’s a lot easier when other people take the time to understand their sensitivity.

If you’re highly sensitive, consider sharing this article with someone in your life. The more we work to raise understanding, the less blank stares there will be — and the more people will realize that sensitive is strong.

You might like:

• 13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand
• The 7 Best Careers for a Highly Sensitive Person
• 21 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

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The post How to Explain High Sensitivity to People Who Don’t ‘Get’ It appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.

Travel is supposed to be magical. It’s supposed to be an “escape,” a chance to reinvent yourself. Or, at least to de-stress on vacation. But if you’re a highly sensitive person, travel is often the opposite: one big source of stress and overwhelm.

There are good reasons for this — and it’s not something you need to beat yourself up over. Rather, travel comes with a number of pitfalls that are hard for any highly sensitive person (HSP). Let’s take a look at why travel can be tough for HSPs, as well as how you can start enjoying it more.

Why Travel Can Be Hard for HSPs

Perhaps the biggest reason travel can be difficult for HSPs is that it pulls them out of their routine. Routine is often a source of comfort for sensitive souls, because it’s the one thing that’s constant and reassuring in a high-stimulus world. Losing that, even temporarily, can be harder on HSPs than it is for others.

But that’s far from the only reason. Most HSPs absolutely loathe being thrown into a new environment, surrounded by unfamiliar sights, sounds, foods, and situations, and held to an itinerary that they can’t always control. Of course, we all have to endure little difficulties to travel — sensitive or not — like being crammed into a tiny airplane seat or rushing to make a connecting flight. But a highly sensitive person’s system processes everything more deeply, magnifying these normal stresses into completely nerve-wracking situations.

But many HSPs have found ways to make travel less overwhelming, even a source of joy. Below are three secrets from HSPs and avid travelers to manage travel as a sensitive person.

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How to Enjoy Travel as a Highly Sensitive Person

1. Resist the pressure to do, do, DO

It seems like every time I go on a trip, there’s a long list of stuff we “have” to do. Things to see, things to experience, even things to eat. If you only have a few days somewhere amazing, don’t you have to see it ALL?

For me, that’s the road to just falling apart and crashing. Too many activities leave me tired, crabby, and unpleasant to be around. Especially if traveling companions have even more things to do next. A little understanding, please?

But here’s what I’ve realized. Understanding starts at home — it starts with accepting my own needs. Part of the reason it’s so easy to get worn down on a trip is because I buy into the idea that we have to see “everything.” But you can never see or do everything in a new location, even if you have a full week or two.

Instead, embrace the fact that, as a highly sensitive person, travel doesn’t mean the same thing to you that it means to other people. You can explore at your own pace. You can have a little adventure… then call it enough. It helps to remind yourself of that before you go, when you’re still making an itinerary.

And if you’d rather read on the beach than snorkel a coral reef, own that and let your companions know. In most cases, if you’re already accepting of it yourself, they’ll accept it too — and they’ll go enjoy doing their thing.

2. Develop a routine (even though you’re not at home)

Few things are more disruptive than travel. It shakes up your work schedule, your home life, your budget, and most of all, your sense of what to expect from one day to the next. So it’s no surprise that, even though many people love to travel, it’s also one of the most stressful things that an HSP can deal with.

Which brings me to a solution I’ve learned from an avid HSP traveller: the life-changing magic of setting a travel routine.

Life coach Ellany Lea has this down to a science. She’s highly sensitive and has been to 110 countries (!). In many cases, she changes locale every week. But on the road, her schedule is the same:

• Mondays are travel days. Early flights/buses are preferred so she can grocery shop after she arrives.
• Tuesdays are casual sightseeing days with no obligations — and a chance to recharge.
• Wednesdays/Thursdays are for working (she works while she travels).
• Fridays and weekends alternate between outings, like swimming with dolphins, and self-development activities like taking a class or catching up on reading.

That actually sounds pretty relaxing.

To be clear, that’s her schedule. Most of us aren’t location-independent jetsetters and don’t have nearly that level of flexibility. But if you keep your travel schedule on the same rhythm every time you go, it can be a lot easier to adjust. For example, your schedule could be:

• Day 1 is for staying near the hotel, resting, and exploring the nearby neighborhood — low key stuff
• Day 2 is for the “big exciting activity” someone always wants to plan
• Day 3 is for cultural activities like museums

You get the idea. Tweak to fit your own needs, but if you can set a rhythm you follow for trips in general, it creates familiarity and less chaos.

Need to Calm Your Sensitive Nervous System? 

HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload and stress — and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you could finally feel calm instead?

That’s what you’ll find in this powerful online course by Julie Bjelland, one of the top HSP therapists in the world. You’ll learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end emotional flooding, eliminate sensory overload, and finally make space for your sensitive gifts to shine.

Stop feeling held back and start to feel confident you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making a change today. Click here to learn more.

3. Insist on a buffer day

Many HSPs probably already do this — at least when time allows. But I would consider making it non-negotiable. A buffer day is a full day you take at home, after the trip is over, where you’re doing nothing but recovering.

What that means will depend on the person. For some, it means you’re unpacking, cleaning up, and getting some R&R. For others, it will mean you’re spending time with the kids or planning out your work week. But the point is, it’s a day off from “normal life.”

Think of it as a necessity. Every traveler feels wiped after getting home from a trip, and for highly sensitive people, that feeling is magnified times ten.

Here’s the trick: The only way to get your buffer day is to firmly schedule it. It won’t just magically happen, so this is the time to be your own HSP advocate. If you’re flying home on a Sunday, use a vacation day to take Monday off. If you’re a stay-at-home parent, talk with your partner when planning the trip and explain why you need that extra day.

For HSPs, traveling looks different than it does for other people. You can go on magical, life-changing trips. But the highly sensitive version of “magical” might be different from someone else’s “magical.” And it requires plenty of downtime. That won’t always match other people’s idea of a vacation, but really, what could be better than a trip that’s actually relaxing?

You might like:

• 21 Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person
• 14 Things HSPs Absolutely Need to Be Happy
• 12 Secrets About Dating a Highly Sensitive Person
• Why Do Highly Sensitive People Beat Themselves Up So Much?
• 7 Secret Benefits of Being an HSP

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The post Why Travel Is Hard for HSPs (and How to Enjoy It More) appeared first on Sensitive Refuge.